Witching & Bitching (2013)



In this heist film turned horror-fest, a gang of thieves lands in a coven of witches who are preparing for an ancient ritual -- and need a sacrifice.


If I were trying to talk you into watching this film. I'd say: "Witching and Bitching is like a Spanish version of From Dusk til Dawn in that it starts as one gene and quickly transitions into something darker."
But that's where it ends. Witching & Bitching is a different beast. This shit showed up on my Netflix list and was a five star movie. It basically dared me to watch and I can't express exactly how much I enjoyed it. Tight, hilarious dialogue, committed characters, impressive set pieces and effects, slick direction, this film had it all and each piece kept things moving in the right direction quickly. It's over before you know it.
The only real drawback is the ending. But most movies these days write themselves into a hole so I can forgive that.

With all that said, Witching & Bitching earns a solid 5. It's an  enjoyable film that hits my "5 star" criteria:
  • I'd watch it again
  • I'm certain others would enjoy it
  • I'd buy it.
 
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Panhandler's Lament



Walking down the street on my way back to work, I'm stopped by a sullen looking young man. Since he now has my attention, he begins to tell me about how he's lost his wallet and he can't get home. In between that starting point and the end of his story, let me share with you what I learned about this man that day:

  • It is hard for him to ask for money on the street (this is actually true for maybe the first few days/weeks)
  • He feels that we have a kinship so he's more comfortable talking to me.
  • He has a daughter with some type of debilitating disease
  • He is a Christian
  • He only needs $10 to get home
  • He has a job
  • He throws wild parties
  • He has an iPhone (fully charged)
  • He would rather ask for money than rob people. He used to be about that life though.
  • He's sold drugs, but he's not about that life because he has a daughter.
  • He and I could be cool people because I  don't judge and because if the aforementioned kinship.
  • [He apparently has no friends that could help him out ]

I let him finish, then hit him with: "So here's the thing. All of that is well and dandy, but what is it that you want?"

This motherfucker says, "I know what I want, but I'm not expecting you to give me $300."
This motherfucker was out in these streets panhandling for $300. Trying to get a week's worth in one shot, I guess. I kinda gave him the side-eye and he quickly changes his tune to, "I'm saying even $100 would be good."

Really?

Well, I'd take a Ten...

Yeah...see. I just came back from lunch and I spent all my cash. I can't help you. You know what, I think I have a dollar. At this point, I blindly reached into my pocket and came up with a crisp $10 bill. Like fresh from the bank, crisp.

"Oh, hey, you have a ten right there."

Yeah...well we both know I'm not giving you a ten. Here's a dollar.

He had the nerve to look upset, as if I owed him money for the deception. Like he had never thought that one of the people he was trying to con would actually lie to him. At that point, I started to explain why his existence was flawed:

You already said you needed $10 to get home. I just gave you one. If you stop 9 more people, you can get home today. Also, why the fuck--no. You know what, you got a dollar. Good luck with the rest of your day.

"Alright thanks."

===============
I have no idea why these mofos stop me. I must have sucker written on my face. On top of that, I have no idea why I even entertain these sob stories. 

My two main questions were:
  • Are we that bold as beggars to ask for $300 from random dudes you stop on the street? I appreciate the compliment (that I look like I have money) but really? What the fuck?!
  • You have a fully charged iPhone. How about you call one of those other motherfuckers you party with and have them come get you?

Maximum Conviction (2012)



Sent to mothball an old prison, a former black ops operative and his partner have their hands full when mercenaries arrive seeking two female inmates.

On the night of a prison transport, a highly trained extraction team runs into the buzzsaw that is Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Jamaican Slayin', Russian Bustin', Police Officer known as Steven Segal.
In case you don't get it, let me break this down further: this flick has Stone Cold Steve Austin--The Second Baddest Man on the Planet --and his sole existence is to lead his team through the chaos and clear a path so that Segal can do his thing.


No bullshit, Maximum Conviction is one of the best popcorn flicks I've seen in quite sometime and I have no idea why I waited so long to watch it. Again, this is popcorn. You don't have to think, just sit back and enjoy. Everything that you expect from this flick is there, quips, one liners, shootouts and just when you thought it wouldn't happen, some mofo gets his arm irreparably broken.

Full disclosure, I'm giving it a three here and a four on Netflix. Nobody reads this blog or cares, but I'm fully aware of what the movie was and it's real value, and I am trying to keep some consistency on this site at least. Also, as far as Netflix it's concerned, I can never get enough of that Pudgy American Samurai.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

The Happy Faced Hobo




So I'm on the train the other day

And there's a guy sitting across from me, kinda sitting and laughing and generally being what appears to be a genuinely happy, possibly inebriated hobo. Hew wasn't a hobo though, just one of those, "let me tell you about this hear thing..." older guys.

Anyway, I sit across grub the dude and the first thing out his mouth is: 

"You look like you're from the south. Are you from the south or are you Caribbean?"
 
Well, if I have to be from either of those places, I guess I'd say I'm from the south.

What's that? Did you say Georgia?!  Haha I knew it. Those Caribbeans are *makes thumbs down motion.*
Do you like Luther? And Ron Isley?

Umm, sure.

Haha. I know it. Luther is my dude. You've got to like Ron Isley. You're more blues than gospel aren't you?

Sure

Blues first, gospel second. Ron Isley above all.

*I'm thinking, man this guy sure does love him some Ron Isley*

Why do you like Ron Isley?

Um, Why not?

Ahhahaha you're hilarious. I'm stealing that answer. I love it. Why not? hahahaaahha

At this point, a dark skinned Caribbean woman gets on and sits next to him. Hew immediately asks her if she's married and when she says yes, he tells her to tell me. Not 5 seconds after dude has his hand to his mouth talking about how he'd never marry a Caribbean and how good the pussy is.

Another female walls by and he asks if she's married. She kinda ignores him so he's like, well you should be. You want to marry me? Hahaha.

He starts to ask the guy next to him questions, but that guy is a tourist so he's eating this up. He turns his attention back to me:

They say I got a big one. Haha. That's what all the ladies tell me.

Well why are you telling me? Tell them (motions to two other women sitting to my left)

Man I ain't taking about no snowflakes! I'm talking about ho-mo-sexuals. Transexuals, shemales and ALL that.

Ah ok.

Hahahaha you're hilarious.
These mofos treating me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Jesus looks out for me. He told me exactly what I need to do. I listen him when he speaks.

Ah ok.

"Hey, don't look over here!," he said to the woman that ignored his marriage proposal earlier. She don't want to hear me, but she hear Jesus and she's all in my conversation. Haha look at her now. Haha you are a funny guy.

Ah ok. Cool. You have a good night

#################

Best Night Ever (2013)

 
With her sister and pals in tow, a bride to be heads to her bachelorette bash in Las Vegas where the women's exploits land then in raunchy territory.


I saw a trailer for this film a while back. It looked funny but I didn't think it was worth a download so I kept it moving. I'm  man enough to admit when I'm wrong. Best Night Ever is fucking hilarious. It's basically a raunchy bachelor party movie, but with females. 


You've both seen this movie before and you haven't. It doesn't exactly tread new ground, but once you watch it, you'll see what I mean. The only real drawback to this film was learning that it was written by Seltzer and Friedberg, better known as the two guys behind that rash of horrible spoof movies that effectively killed the genre. Had I known they were involved, I would have skipped it like three times over. But I actually enjoyed it so, what do I know?


So, the score? I think it's hilarious, but idk if I'd watch it again and I certainly don't know that I'd laugh the same if I did. Factoring that in, and including my original enjoyment, I have to go with:


Violence? Mild
Explosions? That happened
Nudity? Technically yes, but you won't like it.

Facepalm. Facepalm. Catch the fever now...


Labels

Action (229) horror (178) 3-Star (175) thriller (141) comedy (131) International (108) 2-Star (103) Drama (97) Sucks (96) Sci-Fi (80) 4-Star (77) Crime (71) Supernatural (60) Animated (58) Adaptation (52) original (45) Awesome (43) Dark Comedy (42) Cult Fave (41) Karate (38) Art (37) Teens (37) 1-Star (36) TV (36) gun play (35) Mystery (34) 5-Star (33) fantasy (33) Girl Power (32) independent (31) Killer Animals (29) Listed (29) Asia (28) Revenge (27) Subway (27) infected (26) BadAss (23) B-Movie (19) Creepy Kid (17) Grindhouse (17) Swords (17) thoughts (17) Found Footage (16) Support (16) documentary (16) Adventure (15) Ensemble (15) Police (15) Remake (15) Romance (15) BBC (14) Japan (13) Marvel (13) Aliens (12) China (12) True-ish (12) Vampires (12) War (12) DC (11) Holiday (11) Reality (11) lists (11) BLOG (10) British (10) Hitmen (10) Korea (10) Retro (10) Director (8) History (8) Monsters (8) Ninja (8) Future (7) Jail (7) Message (7) Mobsters (7) Musical (7) Spain (7) Sports (7) anthology (7) rant (7) Englund (6) Spy (6) Western (6) Bollywood (5) Live Blog (5) Parody (5) Disaster (4) Family (4) France (4) LGBTQ (4) Mila Kunis (4) Mockumentary (4) Thailand (4) biography (4) germany (4) mythology (4) subtitles (4) Douchestache (3) Fighting (3) Party (3) Politics (3) Sweden (3) Tasty (3) Africa (2) Australia (2) Chile (2) Dance (2) Food (2) Indonesia (2) Mexico (2) Noir (2) Philippines (2) Quick Hits (2) Travel (2) Werewolves (2) Brazil (1) Canada (1) Dutch (1) Finland (1) Gynmastics (1) Ireland (1) Netherlands (1) New Zealand (1) Road Trip (1) Russia (1) cooking (1) serbia (1) witches (1) wrestling (1)