Quick Hits #13

	Series 7: The Contenders (2001) - The film is set up like a reality tv  program where 6 strangers are chosen at random and given guns to compete in a contest where the only prize is their own lives. The last person left alive Is declared the winner. Keeping true to the reality tv theme, Series 7 Opens with a tv intro, has a narrator, and even comes complete with contestant biographies and confessionals. Watching this film, I laughed a bit more than I thought I would. But I wouldn't really recommend it.  I can see why and I get what they are trying to do, and yet it still drags. At The end, the door was left wide open for a sequel, but I'm hoping no studio is that desperate. Out of Ten? 5.5
	True Lies (1994) - You know, I forgot how fun this movie is. I think this was the last great action movie for both Jamie Lee Curtis and The Governator. I think the pairing of the two as husband and wife was odd, but their on-screen chemistry helped to smooth things out. This was also one of the first of the "my husband is a secret agent" films that you see so prevalent now. Also, we get one of the best one-liners captured on film. As the terrorist is hooked to a missle, Arnold hits the launch button, winks and says, "You're Fired." Classic.
	Galaxy Quest (1999) - A group of Aliens belive a TV space crew to be real  heroes and enlist them to save their people and their planet. Big names were attached to this project, and maybe it was the writing or maybe it was the directing, but something failed along the way. Could have been the concept, but something prevented this flick from being as successful as it should have been. With all that being said, it is still an enjoyable cult fave. Out of Ten? 7
	Time Crimes (2007) - Low budget Spanish thriller about a man who accidentally travels back in time and makes a mess of things as he tries to kill himself to restore the timeline. Despite the wtf feeling that generally accompanies time travel films, the writing is actually sharp and everything no matter how crazy, actually brings everything together. Cohesively. Out of Ten? 6.5

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Spork (2010)

A colorful and foul-mouthed feature musical comedy.A film about a frizzy-haired, pink-cheeked outcast named Spork who is trying to navigate her way through the annals of junior high. When a school dance show provides a chance for Spork to show up a mean girls gang, her trailer-park neighbor steps up to coach her with some "booty-poppin" moves.

14 yr old Spork is an awkward teen hermaphrodite who is trying to fit in. After seeing an infomercial for late night pills, she enters into the school dance competition to earn the money to buy the pills to change herself. By the film's end, she learns that she only needs to accept herself and her life will get better.

These films are usually the same: shy, awkward teen, coming of age in school where they are just trying to fit into a world that hates them because they are different. The kid's actual talent is downplayed (awkwardly) to the point in which when they finally cut loose, it's both a relief to you and them. With all that being said though,  Idk why this movie was so entertaining. Maybe it's because they hit all the right awkward kid in high school notes and included The bitchy white girls, the gay bff, the hip black kids, the heartfelt talks. All of it. or maybe out was the equal opportunity offensiveness. It really isn't for the easily offended. Sex, racism, homophobia, no stone is left un-turned, yet they're all played for laughs and I'm all about the equal opportunity offensiveness.

Spork is a coming if age story  about an awkward teen. It works because the other characters are equally as outlandish as she is awkward. The kids are clearly talented and I was impressed with the film overall. Definitely feeling the soundtrack too.

Violence? No
Explosions? OF DANCE!
Nudity? No, perv!

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Fallen (1998)

Homicide detective John Hobbes witnesses the execution of serial killer Edgar Reese. Soon after the execution the killings start again, and they are very similar to Reese's style.

After being sentenced to death, a murderer creates his own stay of execution. casting a spell, he moves his soul after death to the next person and he can switch bodies with a touch. He then uses his gift as an opportunity to track down and torment his arresting officer. (Denzel)

After being led to a former officer, he gets information from his daughter about the voodoo that Reece used.
As the bodies pile up, the clues lead denzel to an abandoned house in the woods where he finds the word "Azazel," The Demon who moved by touch. So, the question he has to answer now is: How does one stop a killer that could jump from body to body with a single touch? He could be anyone and anywhere.

Eh. At some point, every major star either will do or has done a supernatural thriller. But Clocking in at a little under 2 hrs, Fallen didn't really offer much. There was a demon, aramaic, people touching each other and Tony Soprano sporting a ridiculous mustache:

Would you just look at that thing?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Viva Riva! (2010)

Hustler Riva hopes to make a fortune by smuggling large quantities of gasoline and selling it for high prices in fuel-starved Kinshasa. He'll have to deal with Cesar, a ruthless, sharply dressed foreigner thriving in Kinshasa's lawless streets and Azor, a crime boss in the classic style: big, decadent and brutal. 

It took a while to get to the plot or point if the film. Basically we follow Riva as he parties it up and courts the beautiful girlfriend of a powerful gangster. There's another seemingly powerful guy who spends half of the movie trying to locate Riva for reasons that are not really explained until the halfway point of the film. I'll save you the time:

Riva is a hustler. Angolan Andre 3000 and company are looking for him because he has stolen gas from them. He also covets the girl of a well known and powerful gangster and he eventually steals her away with a high stakes act of cunnilingus.  So now there are two guys after him and one looks like Andre 3K.

 

In scenes designed to show how ruthless they are The Angolans blackmail a military commander, take down three policemen, and utterly destroy Azor, the former big bad of the film, this inadvertently solving one of Riva's problems. Their eventual violent confrontation makes up the second half of the film as the film takes a few twists and turns on it's way to it's bloody conclusion.

I don't really get the point of the film, but there is.a lot of sex. I mean, they really got it in. Outside of that, not much happened until the last 40 minutes. That's really no bueno. I felt like he hustled me too.

What.I.Want...Is My Time Back!

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Ali G Indahouse (2002)

Ali G unwittingly becomes a pawn in the evil Chancellor's plot to overthrow the Prime Minister of Great Britain. However, instead of bringing the Prime Minister down, Ali is embraced by the nation as the voice of youth and 'realness', making the Prime Minister and his government more popular than ever.

The Ali G movie. The one that started it all...

For those who haven't seen it, Ali G is basically the story of a suburban gangster who is becomes a member of parliament with the sole intention of keeping his local community center open.  The Deputy Prime Minister of England recruits Ali to run for Parliament in an attempt to tank his party and snake his way into the Prime Minister's office. Somehow Ali wins the vote and is elected. His policies and behavior captures the imagination of the country and his star rises, much to the chagrin of the D.P.M. After being ousted from government on charges of drugging elected officials, he finds out that the prime minister has been setup and sets out to recover the video footage to clear his name. Of course he manages to save the day, live happily ever after and embarrass the former D.P.M. One last time.

I skipped out on the Ali G phenomenon when it started. Didn't think it was funny or worth my time, but now that the hype had died down significantly, I figured it was time to check it out. Turns out, it was actually funny. Enjoyable even. The comedy comes from the satire of wiggers, wankers, posers that is nearly spot on. complete with all of the blatant outrageousness that comes with the entire country playing the straightman.

Surprisingly, this the film of actually well done and consistently funny. At one point, there's a Borat cameo that surprisingly works well within the context of the film. The Soundtrack isn't bad either. I like the British version of Montel Jordan's "This is How We Do It."

Sacha Baron Cohen is legitimately talented (for a dude named Sacha) and watching it now probably didn't hurt.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No. surprisingly.

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The Assassination of a High School President (2008)

An aspiring journalist, Bobby Funke, is given the task of writing an article on the Student Council President, Paul Moore. But after the SATs are stolen from the Principal's office, he is asked by Paul's girlfriend to find them. As he continues to investigate the Student Council for his puff piece, he finds enough evidence to conclude that Paul is responsible for the theft and prints it. Paul claims he has been setup and causes Bobby to doubt his story. Back on the case, he uncovers a school wide conspiracy that reveals there's a lot more to the stolen tests than meets the eye.

I actually liked this film. It's High School noire. Well acted, well directed and it actually keeps you interested in the politics of the fictional high school. I should mention that having Bruce Willis as the super intense principal didn't hurt.

Plus:

You get to see boobs.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Deep In The Valley (2009)

2 guys get sucked into a porno booth and they become trapped in a bizarre porn world. While there, DJ, the porn guru, tells them that they're on a spiritual quest and they have a journey to complete before they can return home.

This movie hits all of the porn cliches. Cat fights that lead to sex, sexy policemen, wet t-shirts, topless car washes, sororities, the works and yet amongst the unabashed debauchery of this world, one of the guys actually manages to fall in love.

There are two (pairs of) things that stand out about this film:
Scott Caan hamming it up as Rod Cannon, the "sexy detective who always gets his man."
Chris Pratt IS Andy Dwyer in this film.

Denise Richards, Kim Kardashian and Tracy Morgan guest star and it took me to the end of the film to realize that DJ, the porn guru, is played by Shooter McGavin!

Out of Ten? 6.5

Shooter mcgavin, tracy morgan, andy dwyer and copious amounts of nudity and shower scenes. I say this is a fair grade.

Violence? No
Explosions? Heh. No.
Nudity? Tons.

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The Fall of the Action Hero

I lament the fall of our Big Damn Heroes. Van Damme fell into drugs and only wants to do "serious films" (like Universal Soldier 5), Steven Segal is a lawman, Wesely Snipes decided he was too good to pay his taxes, and Arnold is Governing. What is going on? Obviously, I knew the times would change, but how long before we return to the "kick ass, take names" action flick?

Of the original action stars, Sly Stallone is the only one still kicking (barely). Lucky for us, it seems he's trying to pass the torch, but who will take it? If you've seen Black Dynamite and Blood and Bone, you'd know that Michael Jai White is certainly a capable candidate. Terry Crews has the build, but he can't carry a movie solo. Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock" Johnson was too busy carving his name in the "family friendly" market, but he's finally stepping his game up (Faster/Fast 5). Jet Li is both too short & too Asian, & Jason Statham is too likely to remove his shirt and the world just can't handle Danny Trejo (Machete). The current solution is to just pair them up in an ensemble movie. The Expendables Series = Equal screentime, equal badassness. (Even Chuck Norris is signed onto that)

So my question is who will step up and be the next "Big Damn Hero(es)?" Do we need one? Are ensemble action movies our only choice now? Hopefully those answers will come soon. There's nothing left to do in the meanwhile but wait. Somedays, however, I'll catch Commando, or Kick-Boxer, or even Passenger 57 and wonder aloud, "What happened?"



The Expendables (2010):

The Expendables 2 (2012):

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True Legend (2012)

Su Qi-Er retired from his life as a renowned Qing dynasty general in order to pursue his dream of a family and his own martial arts school. However, Su's peaceful life is shattered when his vengeful adopted brother, Yuan Lie, kidnaps his son and leaves Su for dead. Saved from his demise by his wife Ying and the reclusive doctor Yu, Su resolves to perfect his technique so that he may defeat Yuan Lie and reunite his family.Now burning to become a martial arts master, Su Qi-er submits to a teacher who helps him become more powerful than ever before.  

True Legend is essentially a biopic about  Su Can, a former chinese general, turned drunken beggar and his ascent to Legendary Martial Arts status.

The film starts with an awesome ninja style raid on the enemies headquarters. Su Leads a team into enemy territory to rescue his captured prince. For this, he is offered the position of Governor, which he declines because he's retiring to be with his family. He nominated his brother Yuan for the job and the story really begins there. 5 years later, Governor Yuan pays a visit to  Su and his family. Su's father says he doesn't trust him and relays the bloody history between himself and Yuan's father.Believing him to be out of control, with a deadly technique, the Five Venom Fist, Su's father killed.YUAN's father and raised them as brothers. Yuan had always resented this, and he fears that now that he's governor, nothing good can result.

Yuan arrives while Su is away, announces that he has mastered the Five Venom Fist and after a short battle he prices the old man right by killing him and taking his head. Su arrives too late top stop him, but during their fight he finds out that Yuan is hardcore. After landing some pretty good cuts with a sword, he realizes that he's causing no damage. Just then Yuan laughs and reveals that he has metal fucking armor sewn 1inch deep into his flesh.

 Hard.Fucking.Core.

Not long after this reveal, Yuan wings the fight (duh), infects him with the venom technique and throws him into a waterfall to die. Our hero goes through the "I've been throughly defeated and now I'm completely useless" phase and even becomes an alcoholic until his hair grows in and he defeats his own self pity. Believing him to be unable, she decides to rescue their son herself. Reading the note she left about his instability to save his family, Su, races off to the castle and fucks shit up on the way to defeat Yuan. Before the final battle however, Yuan says he won't kill his wife, but he has her buried alive in the forest. After a final fight that saw them fight into and out of a snake pit, Su kills Yuan and the race is then on to find his wife. Unfortunately he finds her too late. Now a drunken heartbroken beggar, we move onto phase two of our film: The Drunken Fist.

After wandering into a bar and fighting a drunken fist master, he runs into Ma, an old friend from his war days. Ma tells him that Foreign warriors are challenging Chinese to fights and are killing them and he decides to support his friend in his fight with the foreigners. During the fight, his son gets involved and he uses the drunken fist to save him and take on the foreigners who are apparently aided, controlled and released by "White Tupac" David Carradine, who I'm sure I've seen in more films post mortem than when he was alive.

 White Tupac

In the epilogue we learn that he wandered the country and used the fist. the style would then be copied and spread throughout the land. Making him a true Wushu master.


True Legend is a solid flick. Good action. Easy to follow story. Yet, still a bit longer than I'd have liked. But there is Michelle Yeoh...

Out of ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Taken (2009)

A retired CIA agent travels across Europe and relies on his old skills to save his estranged daughter, who was kidnapped on a trip to Paris to be sold into prostitution.

What more could be said about this film that can't already by this fucking scene:

Everyone and their mother has seen this film by now. I just needed to add it to the site.
(On Father's Day. Coincidentally.)

Thank You.

Out of Ten? 9

(Minus 1-point for the behavior of both the Mother and the Daughter. Yes, it's petty, but it can't be overlooked.)

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Violence
Nudity? No

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Quick Hits #12

	Bad Boys (1995) - The original was a great flick. It was good to see Martin Lawrence and Will Smith team up. The action was good and the comedy in between those scenes kept us alert. If you notice, you'll see that Martin Lawrence received top billing...interesting. Out of Ten? 9
	Dragon Tiger Gate (2006) - Two brothers, who are separated when their parents split, find themselves on opposite sides of the law as adults. After a gang murder, they team up and reclaim their birthright. Dragon Tiger Gate is based on a comic book so the more absurd elements of the film are believable. The Fight scenes are okay but when they aren't fighting, the film offers nothing. There's so much drama between the fight scenes that it's waaaay to easy to lose interest. Out of Ten? 5
	Mandrill (2009) - After his parents are brutally killed in front of him, little Mandrill goes to live with his uncle who raises him like a son. When he asks about his father he is told that his father was like chilean action hero John Colt. From that day, little Mandrill grows up and lives his life in that manner. He eventually becomes a one named chilean badass assassin/secret agent on the hunt for revenge. There's no real way to explain the film. I went into this flick expecting nothing. But this movie was surprisingly good. I found it to be something like an exploitation Chilean Bond flick that is self aware of its cheese factor. The soundtrack is good as well. Out of Ten? 7.5
	Knocked Up (2007) - You know, I hadn't actually seen this flick from beginning to end. I decided to watch it the other day. Forgot how funny it is. Well rounded funny cast + Katherine Heigl as the hot chick and out of character celebrity cameos. Very enjoyable but time has shown that the magic of this flick would not be repeated. Out of Ten? 8
	Superbad (2007) - The movie that brought us McLovin, and we're all richer for it. Superbad was hilarious and It seems the cast and crew genuinely had a good time and enjoyed making this flick. That always makes a movie better. I don't think there's anyone who hasn't yet seen it, but if you haven't, go watch it now. Out of Ten? 10

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#1 Cheerleader Camp (2010)

When they're hired to work at a cheerleading camp for the summer, two lusty college friends prepare for the most spirited three months of their lives. But the squad won't be ready for serious competition without some remedial training in sex appeal.

A former gymnastics washout becomes a maintenance man at a cheerleader camp. After circumstances nearly force his dream girl to quit the camp, he sets out to save her team and her scholarship. By hiring strippers.

An obvious raunchy comedy that doesn't take itself too seriously. Although the film opens with topless girls on trampolines and TnA is prominently featured, it is a cheerleading film and there are a lot of scenes where the ladies work on their routines. At the end, there's a Bring It On type cheerleading competition, so we all win.

Anyway, Pictures!

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Gimme a YES!!

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Assassination Games (2011)

The indestructible Jean-Claude Van Damme returns to big-screen mayhem in this light-'em-up action thriller, with rival assassins joining forces to dismantle a global drug cartel operating in league with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency.

In order to head off a government scandal, two officials try to take out the only agent who can incriminate them. Their plan is to kill Flint, the only agent who can identify them. In doing so, Interpol releases Polo, a criminal with ties to Flint, on the hopes that he will come out of hiding and try to eliminate him. When he does, complications arise when Van Damme gets wind of Polo's release and sets out to collect the bounty for himself.

The film starts to drag a bit when the love interest(s) comes into play especially when they lay the guilt trip on them about their profession and cause them to soften and rethink their lives. Bleh. But ultimately they are used as motivation, so we're rid of them fairly quickly. Also, it was shot in some sort of sepia tone. I don't know what that was about and I found it kinda weird.

Anyway, I am digging this darker van damme. As a badass assassin, he's waaaay less cheesy and actually seems a bit intimidating. (minus that knot on his forehead.) Scott "Ninja" Adkins is the assassin and government target Flint, and I must admit, I was very impressed with his performance.

It's just so...there.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Pretty Persuasion - 2005

Kimberly, a sophomore at a posh Beverly Hills high school, is obsessed with the idea of fame and popularity and will stop at nothing to get what she wants, with no thought for how her actions might affect others in her path. Kimberly and two friends decide to file a sexual harassment suit and incite chaos and a media frenzy when she accuses her drama teacher of sexual harassment.

Three high school girls decide to come forward with the accusation that one of their teachers has molested them. Throughout the film, there is an undercurrent that he is guilty of something yet at the same time, there's a sense that they are lying and making it up. Once the case goes to trial, the narrative jumps back and forth through time to give you an idea of what has actually transpired and  unsurprisingly, the film ends in devastation for the accusers, the accused and for many innocent bystanders.

Stray Quotage:

• I have respect for all races, but I'm really glad I was born white.
• I know all about the immigration experience. I'm from Canada.
• High School is all about cock-teasing girls, and those two, are on the honor roll.
• He said, 'Now I'm going to touch your boob'.
• Boob? Come on! I'm an English teacher, I would never say boob!
• What's the greatest thing about this country?
         Um, Sylvester Stallone?

Look out for an unexpected twist at the end of the film. 

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

When the four boys see an R-rated movie featuring Canadians Terrance & Phillip, they are pronounced "corrupted", and their parents pressure the United States to wage war against Canada.

After the boys sneak away to watch the new Terrance and Phillip movie, they come away with a new vocabulary. Soon all the children are just as crass, much to the chagrin of the adults. Displeased with their new vulgarity, their mothers form a group, intent on taking out the two comedians who they deem responsible for corrupting American youths. In their quests to rid the world of the very Canadian Terrance and Phillip, they have started a war, one between the United States and Canada. In Hell, Satan and Saddam Hussein are plotting to take over the world. Once the blood of Terrance and Phillip are spilled, it will be the 7th sign and bring about the Apocalypse.

The boys will have to save their heroes, end a war, prevent an apocalypse and find the clitoris all within an hour and a half.

Stray Quotage:

• "Kyle, All the times I called you a big dumb Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew."
        "But I am, Cartman. I am a Jew!"
  "No, no. Don't be so hard on yourself."
• "Operation Get Behind the Darkies"
• "Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear!"
• "Ahem. Fuck Canada!"
• How would you like, to suck mah balls. Mr. Garrison? 
• "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Out of Ten? 10

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Mirage Man - 2007

A shy, inconspicuous man named Maco decides to become a self-made superhero when he gains national notoriety for unintentionally rescuing a television reporter from the clutches of two dangerous criminals.

Running along the streets at night, Marco Gutierrez comes across a burglary in progress. Inside of the house, he spots one of the robbers as he prepares to rape a woman. At the top of the movie, we learn that his parents died in a rape n rob so flashing back to that, he uses his pent up anger to destroy the thieves.
After watching and getting inspired by the report of his heroic work, he decides to become a superhero. After finally settling on an outfit, shit gets real and the crimefighting begins. Mirageman is saving the day and dude is fucking cats up along the way.

After his attempt to rescue a girl from a gang of pedophiles goes awry, Mirageman disappears to regroup after the reality of his "work" hits him. (ie shit got a bit too real and he got fucked up.) Out of the game for three weeks, the public's initial dismissal becomes concern. After getting the very public message that his lady was abducted, he returns to the game and wrecks shop as he goes to rescue her. Once his identity is threatened in the process, he receives a helping hand from a man who believes in him and implores him not to quit. Getting back to work, he vows to solve the pedophile case that nearly ruined him earlier. Since this is a gang of pedophiles, and considering his history with them, he's allowed to get a bit more violent and he does. Killing nearly every one them along the way to save the kidnapped girl and save the day and in true superhero fashion, the door is left wide open for a sequel.

Mirageman is a solid flick. Not only did it manage to ground the modern day vigilante mythos, it also managed to find the right balance between the action, comedic and dramatic elements.They even managed to include the "trying on costumes" and "coming up with a good name" part of superhero films. It was kinda like a Chilean Spiderman film and they even make a joke about it at one point.

Marko Zaror. 

Remember this face. If he ever blows up, I want you to say that you heard about him here first.
Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Caller - 2011

Troubled divorcee Mary Kee is tormented by a series of sinister phone calls from a mysterious woman. When the stranger reveals she's calling from the past, Mary tries to break off contact. But the caller doesn't like being ignored, and looks for revenge in a unique and terrifying way...

After moving into a new apartment, a newly divorced woman begins to receive a series of disturbing calls. The caller is a woman named Rose who claims that she is from the past. In time, Mary develops a relationship with Rose and they talk near nightly. Rose claims that she is calling from the past and when Mary tries to end their relationship, she becomes increasingly unhinged and suddenly Mary's timeline becomes unstable. How can she stop someone who has control of the past?

Rotary Phones are creepy

The Caller is a trippy film but Idk what to make of this one. I was digging the concept, but I feel like the film was flawed on its execution. Besides the fact that it started to fall apart towards the end, another issue is that it was a bit hard to hear Rose's side of their conversations. On the bright side, Luiz Guzman is in this film. He is my favorite supporting actor and any film he's in will automatically get a .5 point bump until I say otherwise.

My man Luiz Guzman!

Out of Ten? 5.5 (5 + The Guzman Bump)

Violence? End Scenes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Ghajini (2008)

After a vicious attack claims the life of his girlfriend and leaves him with a debilitating case of short-term memory loss, mobile phone mogul Sanjay Singhania sets out on a quest to bring down the perpetrators that have ruined his life.

It is quickly explained that a man suffers from short term memory loss after receiving an injury from an assault. Everyday he wakes up, he reminds himself, via notes and pictures, that his mission is to hunt and kill those responsible for his condition and taking the life of his lady. As the movie unfolds, The narrative transitions from a revenge thriller into a romantic comedy. Although this may be par for the course in India, as an international viewer, It's a little jarring to sit down for Memento and have that spliced with Enchanted.

The action part of the film is pretty much a direct knockoff of Memento. A tattooed, super buff guy with short term memory is out to hunt and kill the people responsible for his condition and the death of his wife. Sound familiar?

The romantic comedy part is pretty standard fare. She pretends that she knows him and says he's proposed. He has never met her, yet falls in love instantly when he does. No Bollywood movie is complete without a song and dance number and this film is no exception. 

At three hours long, Ghajini has a little something for both men and women in the same film.

 

Nip Slip.

 Out of Ten? 6

Long, but ultimately rewarding if you can make it to the end.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Definitely could have used some.

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