New Year's Evil (1980)

As a nationally televised new years eve celebration rocks on, the host gets an on-air call from a killer promising murder at the stroke of midnight.

Diane Sullivan, better known as Blaze to her fans, is a new wave DJ. Years of dedication to her job has caused her to neglect her husband and son, who have subsequently distanced themselves from her. On New Year's Eve, a killer stalks and aims to kill her. With the police being largely ineffective, she'll have no one to turn to if she intends to make it through the night.

5 minutes into her show, a dude calls in to claim he'll kill at the stroke of midnight in each (U.S.) time zone. Eventually the police figure out that he's headed towards her for his final kill and what follows is both a pretty funny killing spree, a rocking party and a surprisingly modest freak out as our host realizes her end is near.

New Year's Evil was okay. I wouldn't recommend it and I wouldn't watch it again, but it was okay. There's a lot of good music in this film though. This has to be one of the best soundtracks in a horror movie. 

Also, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention that the killer damn near pulled off the best kill of the century. How are you going to chain someone to the bottom of an elevator, raise it up (again with them underneath) then drop it? That's some sick shit, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling policemen!

Apart from that, I was actually kinda happy to see victim two die as she had a stupid high pitched voice with an accent. Victim three couldn't be bothered to get out of a car as it was being carjacked, instead choosing to protect her modesty and put her clothes back on. Luckily for her, a policeman showed up and saved her. But not before we got 'dem boobs.

Before this, I don't think I had seen a horror movie set on New Years. I figured why not watch this one? [Probably because this movie dropped in 1980, but that's neither here nor there. It's on the blog. Shit is real.]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Peek a boob.

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Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

This movie supposes that Santa is the son of Satan and was tricked into becoming benevolent and I can tell you honestly that If I didn't need an xmas movie for the blog I would have never bothered. But in the first five minutes it's a given that this will be a bad movie masterpiece. It stars Bill Goldberg as the Bad Santa and if he doesn't deliver at least one spear I will never forgive him or me for watching this shit.

The Cast:

• Goldberg (post taser)
• Teen boy - Nicholas
• Teen girl - Mary
• Artie (they let him out of the warehouse)
• Deebo
• Inept cops
• Grandpa

The Situation:

Goldberg is Santa and he's pissed. People will die. Yaks will be ridden.

As the demon rides near, one teen, his girlfriend and his grandfather must stop him before he destroys their town.

The Resolution:

 

Find a way to survive until the end of Xmas

Goldberg looks like he's having fun. That's important.

Stray Quotage:

"You got me a gun? I don't  want to seem ungrateful, but are you a fucking retard?"

"Ho. Ho. Ho's!" [walking into a strip club]

"We're trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to kill us. How fucked up is that?"

"What in God's name are you doing?
Well I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Santa's Slay is a very enjoyable bad movie by my standards. Bad acting, bad cgi, shitty music, explosive presents, Goldberg. This film has it all and what do we get 34 min into the movie? Spear! Spear! Spear! Yes It was a shitty version, but I'll take it. 

Again, if I didn't need the film, I wouldn't have bothered, but I'm actually glad I did. Dude really is a pretty brutal/efficient killer. and I'm all about the Evil Santas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Karate Girl (2011)

Years after someone murdered her karate master father and kidnapped her sister, Ayaka sets out to put her family back together.

 

A ruthless businessman is attempting to control Kurenai Karate all over the world. To do so, he'll need the black belt held by Sojiro Kurenai, the greatest karate master of all time.

After a short battle,  it's protector is slain along with his eldest daughter. The businessman absconds with the black belt and his youngest daughter. With his final breaths, the protector manages to revive his eldest, Ayako and tells her let no man take the belt, which was around his waist the whole time.

About 8 years later, we find Ayako working in a movie theater. She uses karate to stop a pair of purse snatchers and becomes instantly popular with the crowd of onlookers. The pics and videos hit the web, alerting the bed guys to her presence. When the businessman finds out that the belt in his possession is a fake, Ayako is still alive and he was paralyzed for no reason, he  sets out to track down Ayako and retrieve the real one, but not before heart punching one of his henchman.

Keith Gets His Head Kicked In...

What I like about these Japanese karate flicks specifically is that the actors really take a beating to sell it. No punches are pulled and it just looks better. Comes across more fluid I mean. As the end credits roll, there are scenes showing the choreography.

Karate Girl it's not a barn burner, but it is a decent flick and the fight choreography is well done. It's basically about a girl who knows karate and fucks shit up, but only because she's forced to. In the process she reunites with her sister (who the bad guy kidnapped) and it's double the fun as they take out Keith, the biggest, baddest, whitest martial artist the bad guy has on his team. [Dude ate like 8 tandem kicks to the head. 6 alone, just because of his name.] I also found out that this starred the same girl from High Kick Girl!. I thought those kicks looked familiar...

Violence? Yes. No blood though, just kicks to the face.
Explosions? Of kicks to the face
Nudity? No naked ass-whippings

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Dark Skies (2013)

The Cast:

• Felicity
• The Father
• Creepy little boy #1
• The Teen
• J.K. Simmons
• The Greys aka The Space Invaders

The Situation:

A small family in a quiet town finds themselves marked and tormented by strange occurrences, such as the house being attacked by birds, mysterious bruises on their bodies and losing hours at a time in what appear to be minutes. Looking things up online, Felicity finds a connection between the birds, their home and aliens. Eventually they decide to meet with an expert who attempts to help them understand their situation, which is essentially, "They're going to take one of you and you're boned. You're not the first and you won't be the last." To prevent that, they've decided to barricade themselves indoors and await the inevitable. Hoping to fight them off with family unity.

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. This is happening. Shit is real and there's nothing any of them can do to stop it.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The Greys were probing his mouth in this scene.

When I first heard about Dark Skies, I was under the impression that it was just another insidious/paranormal activity knockoff. While there are some similarities, this movie is different enough to stand on its own. Not saying it's good or bad, just different. On the surface, Dark Skies is a slow burn alien abduction movie that manages to maintain a consistently creepy atmosphere and an impending sense of dread for its characters. 

Beneath the surface though, it's a movie that does nothing for a good long while until it's time to do something and by then the aliens are ready to move. It's both slow and anti climactic. I was sitting there watching it like, "OMG can we just get to the space invaders already!" By the time they do, everything moves so quickly that it's hard to make out exactly what's happening. The end result was already a given, but getting there man...

Random Thoughts/Observations:

• You ever stop to think that aliens have a specific type? Notice that far people are never abducted. Maybe it's harder to get them up the tractor beam? IDK. Either way, being a fat man is the key.
• Idk whether or not a moody teen boy is better or worse than a moody teen girl. But I don't like neither.
• They adopted a dog specifically because they can tell when the aliens are near. The dog was there when they invaded, but wasn't there when the family huddled together? What happened to the dog? I need closure.
• Immediately after dude says that they need to unify their family, they start arguing over what to do next. Classic.
• So evidence points to aliens, and you present this evidence yet you still ask your husband if he's responsible?
• Kids have unexplained bruises and marks on their bodies? Welp, better blame the parents. Especially if you've known them for 20yrs. Who else could it be? I hate that logic.
• I'm a fan of any movie that has felicity banging her head against a glass door. I'm not saying that she sucks, but if there's any actress that should have her head banged against a glass door, it's Keri Russell.
• Getting stoned and watching porn with your bros? Priceless. There's probably a reason your father doesn't want you hanging with that kid.
• It's a fun guessing game to figure out which kid is the creepiest/possessed

Again, the movie is 100% creepy. I've just seen better alien/alien abduction movies. Give Altered a shot.

Violence? Self Harm
Explosions? Of Bright Lights
Nudity? No. Aliens don't want us for sex apparently.

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The Guillotines (2012)

Once used be the emperor to quash all opposition, a squad of assassins known as the guillotines falls out of favor when a new ruler takes the throne.

The Guillotines were a secret group of assassins who were created during the Qing Dynasty to secretly destroy rebellion and further the Emperor's notion of a unified land. The new emperor however, believes that The Guillotines are outdated and firearms are both the future and the key towards protecting the dynasty and furthering his legacy. To that end, he's labeled the group as guilty of treason and ordered them to be executed by firing squad.

A small group of Guillotines were on a mission to save one of their own as she was captured by the enemy. As they reach the rebel village, they discover that the new emperor has declared them traitors and ordered their execution. Finding a cause greater than their own in the struggles of the rebels, they switch sides and help defend their land from the empire's inevitable attack.

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 Chinese Jesus

That Guillotines is an action filled drama that's not really about anything. Okay, it's obviously about stuff, but it's long. The fights are of course, slick and very well done, but that's about it really. And despite its super obvious title, I didn't make the connection to the weapon until I saw the abundance of flying guillotines in the opening scene. Needless to say, I was pleasantly delighted. Until the rest of the film unfolded. Smh. There was definitely not enough flying guillotine and my quest continues. Sooner or later, there'll be a movie with ALL the flying guillotines I can handle, but if I can't find that in a movie called "The Guillotines," I don't think I'll ever find it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Insidious 2 (2013)

 

Direct Sequel to 2011s surprise hit. Same cast. Picking up directly where we left off. I wasn't planning to watch this so soon, but when opportunity knocks...

The Cast:

• Elise - Spirit hunter
• Josh - Spirit possessed
• Renai - Spirit worried
• Dalton - Spirit hero
• Other kid - useful, in spirit
• Josh's mom - Foxxy in Spirit

The Situation:

Immediately following the events of what we're now calling "Chapter 1," we find Renai in an interrogation room, explaining the previous events to officer Steve Harvey who suspects that Josh is  responsible for Elise's murder.  

Josh and his family move into his foxxy mama's house while theirs is being investigated. They are trying to put themselves back together but it seems the spirits won't let them rest.

Resolution: 

Discovering/realizing/accepting that Josh was in fact possessed, they decided that the best course of action was to try to render him unconscious and expel the demon from his body.

The demon however would have none of that.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Insidious: Chapter 2, tries to be, but isn't as outright creepy as the first. It does get crazy, but It's more of a well written story that aims to bridge the first and (inevitable) third films than an all out scarefest. For what it's worth, it's actually dope how they pieced it together with the footage from the first film. It explained a lot of things and was very well executed. It's not a cheap money grabbing sequel. There's a story and since the studios, in their infinite wisdom, decided that every villain needs a story, Chapter Two is just that. We get to find out the origin of the spirit hunting and trying to kill their family. [Joy!] Dalton, as creepy as he is, is okay, but this story is about Josh, because as the movie unfolds, you realize that this all started with him. 

The end of the film sets up yet another sequel, but if chapter 3 is about the adventures of Elise, Specs and Bad Beard Bret, I wouldn't be too broken up. They are hilarious and have awesome chemistry.

His beard is atrocious and an affront to all bearded men everywhere.

 Random Observations:

• "So that's what that was about" said by a character with a wink and nod to the  events in both films.
• Who names their kid Kali and pronounces it (Kelly)? The same type of people who are named Renee but spells it like Renai.
• Why is everyone's beard so shitty? The costume people had one job. Get your beards right, cuz! You know this movie is opening worldwide, right?
• Josh swears up and down that everything is cool and he just wants to move on. Yet just about everything he says and does is so damn creepy. Somehow this sets off no alarms. 

 

Violence? Alluded to. Little blood here. Little blood there.
Explosions? Of astroprojected madness
Nudity? Implied. But does ghost titty count? It wasn't there. I'm just curious.

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Oz The Great and Powerful (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

Someone decided that 60yrs was long enough and the story of the Wizard of Oz has to be told from the wizard's point of view. Exactly who is the man behind the curtain? What are his motivations? Does he dream in Technicolor?

The Cast:

• Oz, charlatan magician/future king
• Zach braff, magicians assistant, future ape
• Theodora, the wickedest of all the wicked witches
• Elnora, creates witches, watches the throne like JayZ
• Glenda, the Good witch

The Situation:

Oz is a conman magician in a traveling circus during the Dust Bowl era of Kansas. He feels that he is better than he is and he shouldn't have to be performing in dusty towns. He wishes to be a great man and while running from some danger, he is caught in the middle of a cyclone and transported to the Land of Oz, where becomes their prophesied savior and saves the land from the terror of the Wicked Witch.

The Resolution:

Despite a rocky journey, he finds himself  defeating the witch and saving the land. He makes preparations for the future saviour because evil can never die.

Along the way, he becomes the man he's always wanted to be and the hero the world always knew he was.

 

   Oz hath no fury like a witch who's scorned...

Oz The Great and Powerful is a better movie and story than I thought it'd be. Idk what I expected, but I found myself pleased. It's an origin story that explains how and why one became wicked and the other became Zordon. On top of that, it movie looks and sounds amazing and is very well acted (even though the writing was hammy). It seemed like they had fun filming and surprisingly no one mailed in their performance, which tends to happen in movies like these. I'm giving special props to Mila Kunis. Her turn as the witch was amazing and she acted her ass off.

All the stuff is there, The Emerald City, The Yellow Brick Road, the flying monkeys, and the witch's water allergy. But there were only a few things that bothered me. Namely, Oz is propheczed to be the Wizard King of the land, but it's never made clear whether he's a king of all wizards or a wizard who is also a king.

Also the super hammy dialogue was a bit much: 

"You could be a good man, if you wanted to." But I don't. I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great man." Ugh.

That's all I ever wanted for you, greatness." Double ugh. 

I'm like just get to the flying monkeys! and of course the flying monkeys are baboons. Baboons are terrifying.

Zach Braff? How did that happen? Maybe he's running out of that good Scrubs money? 

Nah. He probably always wanted to be a flying monkey or some shit.

 
Stray Quotage: 

- Let's go make some magic
- Of course I'll save this little talking money...in a bellhop's uniform.
- Are you really going to do this? 

         How hard can it be to kill a wicked witch?

    Hard. Really hard. Really really hard.

- Every lie you tell gets us one step closer to the emerald city dungeon.
      Then don't think if them as lies, think of them as stepping stones on the road to greatness

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

  Steve Carrell and Steve Buscemi as magicians? and Olivia Wilde? I'm in!

The Cast:

• Burt Wonderstone, Master Magician [Has the hair to prove it]
• Anton Marvelington, magicians sidekick/BFF
• Jane the New Nicole, aka the Magicians sexy assistant [Olivia Wilde]
• Steve Gray, The Brain Rapist a Kriss Angel type magician [Jim Carey]
• Rance Halloway, OG magician and Burt's inspiration.

The Situation:

A lonely, bullied little boy receives a magic kit on his birthday and falls in love with the world of magic, as he believes it will help people like him. He meets another boy who shares his interest and soon a magic team is born. Many years later they continue to perform their act, "Burt and Anton: A Magical Friendship," the to the delight of crowds worldwide.

Doing the same thing day in and out for nearly a decade, Burt has lost his passion for the business. Off stage he is moody, arrogant, apathetic. and his personality drives people away. When rival magician, Steve Gray appears on the scene, his act begins to take away their fans, and drive down their ticket sales, putting what appears to be the final nail in his career.

He aims to get himself back on track, but to do so,  he'll have to win back his friends, regain his passion and pull off his greatest trick, redemption.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Stray Quotage:

"That trick just blew your mind, because that's what magic does. It blows your mind."

"Pretend I'm still here and tell me all about it."

"The world record for staring was 24 hrs, I've been doing it for 3 days and I'm bored. So I want to spice it up with some pepper spray."

"It's called a Magical Friendship. You can't be magical friends with yourself!"

"You're here. But what about your work with the poor?
Turns out they didn't want magic. They actually wanted food and clean water."

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Basically Burt Wonderstone is a redemption story wrapped inside of the battle of old magic versus new. Burt's rival, The Brain Rapist is about as much as a magician as David Blaine and his "tricks" Everything about him, down to his name is ridiculous and an affront to magic, but he gets results,  which unfortunately cannot be denied and it sets the stage for the battle between traditional and non traditional magic. 

As much as I'd like to, I can't really trash this movie. As far as the magic battle goes, both sides are given proper attention and it's tough to truly pick a side. The opening scene though, has one of my new favorite actors, Greg Heffley aka the Wimpy Kid as a bully in an odd turn off events. It's actually a pretty funny concept knowing his history.

Idk if that accounts for anything but whatever. This is my blog. Burt Wonderstone is a good move. Watch it, don't watch it, I don't care.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Apparition (2012)

Draco Malfoy and friends work to summon a demon into our realm. Dealing with Mudbloods just wasn't enough for Ol' Draco. He had to kick it up a notch.

The Cast:

Boy, handy Ben
Girl, sexy lil thang
Malfoy
Pepper the dog who sees dead people
Neighbors, because why not?

The Situation:

The Charles Experiment was a paranormal experiment carried out in the 70s where a few people tried to contact the ghost of a deceased teammate. Many years later, a group of college kids attempt to recreate the experiment. The first time they opened the door. The second, they attempted to contain the ghost but instead opened it wider. 

Now they are dealing with a malevolent spirit who wants to be in their world and won't stop haunting them until it gets what it wants.

Resolution:

Draco shows up and convinces them that they need to try to recreate the experiment but in reverse, hoping to close the door that the ghost came in through.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The Apparition was the result of a college experiment to summon a spirit and capture it. I know they say that "College is a time for experimentation," but I'm pretty sure that whoever said that didn't mean that it was okay to summon demons. Still, ya gotta love the movies where ALL evidence points to a haunting and yet somehow, someone is able to convince everyone else that shit is cool, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

My biggest gripe with this movie was the characters making very stupid decisions/statements and I've seen enough of this genre to know that if that's my biggest gripe, then you're okay as a film. They clearly tried to do the best with what they had and aside from its faults, it's actually a pretty creepy film. But shit like nailing yourself in a room with a ghost flat out ridiculous.

My lesser gripe being that they come up with a girl who is not only sexy, but talks trash, drinks beer and can whoop ass in Street Fighter 4. Then immediately threaten her life. That's my horror movie dream girl. You take your filthy spirit hands of her you Damn Dirty Demon! 

Being ghost smothered by a bed sheet is stupid but hilarious. I bet she regrets that 500 thread cotton.

Again, it wasn't a terrible movie, but it wasn't great. I thought the whole premise was that the ghost was thought into existence and needed them to believe it was real to survive. At least that's kind of how it was marketed, iirc.

Stray Quotage:

"We believed that we were studying this entity. But it's been studying us."

"Your house is not haunted. You are."

"What were you thinking?

      Well at least I didn't run away, act like it didn't happen.
I did not!" [Yeah, you did]

"Where are you going? You can't abandon this house. You're not even dressed!"

      Yes I can! There's no way I'm staying in this house tonight!" [She was seriously in a t shirt and panties. No stocks no shoes.]

"Do you want to leave?
      No. My parents are counting on us to look after their place. I can't tell then that their house is haunted." [Stupid reason]

"Your house killed my dog."

"I thought that if you didn't know anything, you'd be safe. I was trying to protect you." [Hiding a demon is different than scratching a car, dude]

[Walking in after seeing he's busted] "I can explain...[it's not what it looks like... Classic Defense]

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Of demon rage
Nudity? Teased, never delivered

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2 Coelhos (2012)

The Cast:

Edgar - Master planner
Maicon - Super gangster
Julia - Foxy double agent
Jader - Crooked politician
Pretty Raheem - Maicons right hand man

The Situation: 

A man has just come back from two years abroad. His plan is to rob the super gangster of two million dollars and link the politician to the crime, effectively killing coelhos(or rabbits) with stones. However, he senses that something is missing and he's waiting for the final piece of the puzzle before he can set things in motion. When he is mugged at a stoplight, he determines that the mugger is just what he's looking for and approaches him with an offer that he can't refuse. Shit gets real after that. 

Before he meets the mugger and while he's still looking for his catalyst, he introduces us to all the main players and catches us up on their situations. Exactly how they tie into his plan is revealed through the film, but he figures it's good to just get to know them first. 

 

As far as master plans go, you can always count on something to throw it off and or force it to be slightly altered.

I love it when a plan comes together and this movie blends things together seamlessly to create a plan and resolution that's actually entertaining and satisfying. It got a little clunky towards the end, but I only counted one loose string. 2 Coelhos takes you for a fun ride with its character work, and I'm digging the way everything worked out. Considering how many characters and directions this film took, something was bound to get lost in the shuffle.

Check out the trailer below:

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Brief, but it's there.

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Killing Them Softly (2012)

The Cast:

Mark Trapman = Ray Liota. [Should have never opened his trap, man.]
Squirrel = mastermind
Frankie = Does jobs for squirrel. Has a greasy head
Russell = Australian dopefiend. Talks too much
Brad Pitt = Man in Black, hired to figure out/snuff out whoever robbed the card game
Counselor = Mouthpiece for the mafia
Dylan = The Gooch. Say his name, pants are shat.

The Situation:

Frankie and Russell are hired by Squirrel to knock off a card game. It had been robbed before and they never figured out who did it. Mark Trapman eventually confessed and in theory if they knock it off again, they figure he'll get the blame.

When the two guys reunite later on, Russell reveals that there's a contract out on them. Frankie realizes that he may have spilled the beans. So now he's looking over his shoulder and waiting for his number to be called.

Brad Pitt shows up as the guy the mob hires to sniff out and snuff out whoever was responsible. But when he shows up and is ready to get shit done, he finds himself hampered by men with a corporate mentality. None of them want a murder and he's completely dismayed by that.

Russell gets picked up by the cops and Brad Pitt finally catches up with Frankie leans on him a bit and pretty much tells him that he's got a decision to make: give up Squirrel, kill him and walk or feign innocence and get killed later.

The Resolution:

Everybody dies. Except Brad. He's way too cool for that nonsense.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Killing Them Softly is a gritty thriller that was also surprisingly dialogue heavy, which is something I should have figured given its cast. There were also a political undertones, but laid atop a mafia movie.

The Mafia as an organization is portrayed  as a microcosm of the United States and the disruption of their card games is played similar to the plight of the U.S. economy. It's quite annoying to realize this at first, but as you're watching the film with this in mind, it becomes a bit more enjoyable.  

The main theme and plot of the film run parallel to the state of the U.S. and it's economy as the disruption of the mob related card games is shown to disrupt their personal economic stability yet they aren't willing to do what's needed to fix it. So it doesn't seem like I'm taking from my ass, here's a direct allegory: Brad Pitt was brought in to fix their problems, and he's eager to do so, but he finds himself hampered by politics and political pressure. This sound like anyone you know? *cough* Obama what? *cough* *cough*

It's pretty heavy handed, but even if you aren't in tune with the message consider this: At the very least, you'll get to watch Brad Pitt be handsome and shoot some goombas.

Stray Quotage:

"How about a tip?
     Here's a tip, put a condom on with your mouth. And you stop acting like your anus is a national treasure. You're a hooker for christ sakes."

"He's been here three days. What he hasn't fucked, he's drank. He was fucking drunk when I left him at 2:30"

"It's not so much what you've been doing, it's what guys think you've been doing."

"I'm living in America, and here in America you're on your own. America is not a country, it's a business. Now fucking pay me!"

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? No. Surprisingly.

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Sweet Sweetback's Bad Assss Song (1971)

***An iCheckMovies Listed Film***

The Cast:

• Sweet Sweetback
• The Man aka Honky Devils
• The Black Community

The Situation:

After a murder, the police come down to the nearest negro community live sex show to "borrow" a man for their line up. He's just supposed to stand there and make them look good.

Sweetback is sent with the policemen and he stands by as they brutally assault anther black guy in front of him. He snaps, beats them to death and goes on the lam.

He's picked up immediately, but the community comes to his rescue and he flees once again. The police launch a city and statewide manhunt, to bring him in and Sweetback attempts to escape the state knowing he's facing certain death of the honkys catch him.

The Resolution:

He escapes because he's about as crafty as he is uppity. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 Mario van Peebles is one sorry looking mofo. And I don't mean that in the negative sense, 

I mean that like "this motherfucker just 'looks' Apologetic" sense.

Sweet Sweetback Bad Asssss Song has got to be one of the most ridiculous and pointless movies I've ever seen. This is the type of movie I would watch, then never tell anyone that I had seen it and yes I'm aware of the irony of that statement on regards to this blog. Somehow this was to be made to stick it to the man? I just don't get it. It's not about anything. A black dude beats up two white cops for beating another black dude. This leads to all the white cops in a city wide manhunt for him and all the Black folks helping him out. Funky handshakes and all. No one white can be trusted and all his problems are solved with his fists or his sex, which is literally him just laying still between a woman's legs.

I like the grindhouse/exploitation films because the shit these films could get away with could never be repeated in this era. Never. Case in point, This kid, no more than 12 is getting skins. He's told he has a Sweetback cuz his lovin is so good and he grows into a man before the end of the scene. Meaning that girl, (who is a pedophile btw) has pussy so good it can turn a boy into a man by the time he's reached his fist orgasm. Why is this movie not about her? [Seriously, a movie about cooch so good it can skip puberty and turn a boy into a full grown man? I'm bringing the beer and masturbatory aids.]

As for Sweetback, this man does nothing but lay perfectly still and somehow brings women to wildly orgasm. I figure that either his dick moves on its own and/or he's still 12 and that original pussy made him a grown baby. Seriously, wtf Melvin? Oh wait, let me guess, "you're sorry."

Aww. I can't stay mad at that. Apology accepted

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of boredom
Nudity? Usually when someone is about to get the D.

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The Man From Nowhere (2010)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

 

A quiet pawnshop keeper with a violent past takes on a drug- and organ trafficking ring in hope of saving the child who is his only friend.

The Cast:

• Badass that just wants to be left alone
• Little girl who warms his heart
• Druggie mom who dances for dollars
• Korean gangsters who are tough guys until they eat a fist or two

The Situation:

After a woman steals a brick of heroin, Korean Gangsters track her down, cut her up and take her daughter. Their neighbor, a reluctant badass and friend of the little girl, gets caught up in the drama when the thugs knock over his shop and rushes out to save her from a grisly fate.

The Resolution:

Badass man goes full Taken and cleans house in route to save the girl. When he gets some bad news, his pissed off meter goes to over 9000(!!!) and he wrecks even more shop.

//////////////////////////////////////

The Man From Nowhere is one of the best crime thrillers to come from (South) Korea. As it starts off, it seems very similar to The Professional, but it quickly takes a different turn once the ball gets rolling and becomes more comparable to Taken. That's not to say it's the same, but Nowhere borrows from both films while guiding the film down a different path. 

It's a solid foreign flick that's action packed, fight filled and well acted. Here's the trailer so judge for yourself.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of fists to the face
Nudity? Itty bitty titty

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Thankskilling 3 (2012)

Hot on the heels of surprise cult hit  Thankskilling, comes Thankskilling 3 with the return of Turkey, the serial killing Turkey. Thankskilling is not a movie you expect to be good. You know it's bad, beyond terrible even, but that's part of the charm. You're just going along for the ride.

 

The Cast:

Turkey
Uncle Donny
Yomi
Randa Space Worm
Muffy
The Pluckmaster 1 self plucking and roasting oven.

The Situation:

While sitting at home with his family, Turkey is watching the news when he hears the news that Thankskilling 2, was named the worst movie ever made and all copies except for one have been destroyed. Turkey sets out to get the final copy as he inserted bits of an ancient curse into it and that would cast everyone who watched it under his spell and cause them to die a horrible lonely death. 

The heroes, Uncle Donny, Yomi, Ronda Worm and Muffy discover the truth about the film and learn that the last copy must be destroyed in space in order to break his curse. Turkey would very much like to destroy humanity and attempts to kill everyone that gets in the way of his plans. 

The fate of the world is directly tied to the last remaining copy of Thankskilling 2 aka "In space, no one can hear you baste."

The Resolution: 

Turkey is defeated and the world is saved. The heroes get their happy ending, but Turkey can never be killed. 

(((((((())))))))))(((((((((()))))))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))

Thankskilling 3 lacks the charm of the first film. I feel that while it's enjoyable, the film drags and it's apparent that they tried to outdo their original. Hitting on some parts and wildly missing on others.

Besides being a bit longer than it needs to be, it's pretty much an excuse to be as ridiculous and as offensive as possible and only people who have liked the first could possibly like the second --and even then that goodwill may be stretched-- but it is so absolutely ridiculous that it becomes enjoyable.

Stray Quotage:

• Nice tits, bitch...in space!
• Your movie was worse than that toilet paper commercial that actually shows people wiping their asses.
• I'm not mean, I'm nasty.
• I got glaucoma. I've got a glock, you've got a coma. I can't see shit.

 For the record, there is not and never was a Thankskilling 2, but here's another Thankskilling 3 poster:

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? First Scene

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Iron Man: Rise of Technovore (2013)

The Cast:

• Tony Stark/Iron Man
• James Rhodes/War Machine
• Shield - Nick fury, Maria Hill, Hawkeye and Black Widow
• Bad Guys

The Situation:

The Howard Satellite, which was created by Tony Stark, is about to be launched. It's technology will allow SHIELD to monitor the full range of human activity all over the planet, with the intention of stopping crime before it happens.

On the day of the launch, a an armored group calling themselves The Raiders attack and try to delay the launch. They claim that their boss is a lot more technologically advanced than Tony Stark will ever be and Tony races off to confront him.

The bad guy is revealed to be Ezekiel Stane, son of Obadiah, one of Tony's first enemies. He calls himself, the future and says that people who place their faith in high technology deserve to die. His goal is to teach humanity a lesson about relying on technology and placing it on an altar. He aims to liberate people from technology by destroying their reliance on it. He also believes that Tony Stark is old technology and his is the new technology that will replace it.

[He also believes in sending mixed messages]

The Resolution: 

Iron Man saves the day. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Stray Quotage:

Stane: Technology and the people who give birth to it are nothing more than false idols leading society to disaster.

Tony: I'll make it up to you. How about I buy you a villa, with a whole support staff?
Pepper: You already bought me that last time you took my vacation.
Tony: Okay, I'll buy you a whole island then. I need your help.

Tony: I've worked with some shady people in the past

The Punisher: This has nothing to do with some rich idiot who dresses like a hot rod.

Tony: Don't do it, Frank. They're just following orders.
The Punisher: Don't worry, they don't need their kneecaps to breathe!

The Punisher: Next time Stark asks for help, I'm gonna put a bullet in him."

   

Rise of Technovore as a whole is kinda dull, but the cameos from the other marvel characters make up for a lot. The Punisher, in particular, is hilarious. The bad guy is Ezekiel Stane, Obadiah Stanes son and in case you forgot who he was, there's a quick flashback to Stane's death in the Iron Man movie.

Now that we got the decent stuff out of the way, let me get to why this only gets two stars:

1) Tony Stark calling this kid "boy" for their anti-climactic face off was kind uncomfortable. Seriously.

2) Nick Fury wastes tons of bots and manpower trying to bring in Tony Stark. Even going as far as to order them to shoot to kill. Which has to be the dumbest thing ever. Logically, if you want him because he's your prime witness or suspect, what would killing him accomplish? Also, he sells you your tech. You don't think he can defeat it? Thirdly, you're friends. Maybe you should just follow him at a distance? Clearly he knows a bit more than he lets on. Fourth: "There's something I've been trying to tell him, but he's blocking all communications" Well, honestly Nick, why do you suppose that is?

The guy they got to voice Nick Fury sounds a good deal like Sam Jackson. It's not 100% match. But enough that I'd allow it.

3) "He's planning on wiping out every living thing on this planet." But that's the thing. If I understand whatever it is this movie had been saying, It's that he wants to eliminate all of the old technology. The people were just bonuses. Then they just kinda shifted the film to fit that narrative. Ridiculous. Also, just wtf is a Technovore? That's never really clearly defined, other than its a threat to existence. [Which it wasn't when the film started.] "Hey look kids, Iron Man!" Pfft. I guess that's enough.

Sidenote: I just want to point out that they lose the helicarrier in this movie and by my count that's maybe the third or fourth one they've lost in general. Get your shit together SHIELD!

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Celda 211 (2009)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

The Cast:

• Juan Oliver,  a new correctional guard, scheduled to start work tomorrow
• Malamadre, notorious criminal. King of the prison. Voice like Popeye smoked chimneys instead of pipes
• The warden and guards
• Elena, Juan's wife and future baby seal

The Situation:

Touring the prison he's due to start guard work, Juan Oliver struck by falling bricks. As opposed to taking him to the infirmary, the officers on duty take him to Cell 211 to recover. Soon after, a riot breaks out and prisoners take over both the cell block and the entire prison. Out of time, the guards are forced to leave him and he awakens to find himself trapped with the inmates until the situation is resolved.

Stuck inside with no means of escape, Juan immediately gets into prisoner mode, knowing that he must do whatever he can to survive and with virtually no news of what's happening inside the prison, friends and family of the inmates start rioting outside the facility. Right in the thick of things is Juan's pregnant wife, Elena.

The Resolution:

The SWAT team was ready to go the minute they got an opening and they did their jobs when they got the greenlight.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Celda 211 is actually a pretty tense film. Prison riots are no joke and on top of that, the staff also had to deal with riots outside of the prison as well as someone leaking information to the prisoners.

A couple things threw me off though:

1) At what part does a riot become too much riot? They mobbed outside of the prison, threw rocks at the guards and facility then stopped an ambulance and pulled out its passenger. Why you ask? Because prisoners were rioting inside, some were killed and no one was releasing any information. Only in Spain would they have a riot inside and outside of a prison. Nobody cares that much about the prisoners in America.

2) The ETA members on the outside, decide to create more terrorism in response to their members in the prisons being held hostage. Okay. What do they go with? Car bombings. And not of important people either. Just a quick bombing to let everyone know they are upset about the situation.

Here's my question: Why not just blow up the prison or something? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wait, I'm sure you know where the governor or prime minister lives. How about you use that information? Jerks.

Anyway, besides those two things, Celda 211 is actually quite enjoyable. Malamadre is presented as this really intense and intimidating character and Juan thinks pretty quick on his feet. Both are in a ridiculous situation, but for different reasons and throughout the film as tensions increased, Juan thought more like a prisoner than the guard he was supposed to be.

I found the whole thing interesting for this one concept: In the mouth of madness, how long can you keep your sanity?

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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