American Muscle (2014)

 

I'm a sucker for a good revenge flick and this low budget, super cheesy film was definitely satisfying.

The plot can be summed up thusly:

John Falcon just got out of prison on a early release for a ten year bid. His mantra in prison, "you owe, you pay!" Has become a way of life and now that he's out, he is on a mission to insure that the people who put him there, repay their debt. 

Basically, some people fucked him over and now he's out to kill them. And apparently get pussy along the way as random women would gladly provide:

"Oh, you just got out of prison? Have some pussy."

"Stabbed in a knife fight? Here's some pussy."

"What? You like sunlight too? Boy, have I got some pussy for you."

It was crazy. I love a gratuitous nudity so I'm not complaining, but still I'm worried some impressionable youth might get the idea that gong to jail guarantees you pussy upon your release. (As opposed to being the pussy once you're in.)

Anyway, American Muscle had all that I want/look for in a, revenge flick. Blood, gore, titty, muscle cars, shitty dialogue...it really did have everything and I enjoyed it.
 

You won't, but you're not me.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence and nudity
Nudity? Yes

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Sweetwater (2014)

  

A Pioneer woman is forced to fight for what's hers when her husband disappears and a calculating preacher makes a play for her land.

 

The Cast:

• Sadistic PreacherMan - Mr. Josiah
• Capable Sheriff Hobo - Ed Harris 
• Widowed Whore aka Sweetwater - January Jones
• Unscrupulous Bankerman - Stephen Root

Quick Synopsis:

There's a preacher who believes the land is g God's land and he intends to purge it of sin, purify it, and restore it to the way he believes God intended. These are the types of people who are more than willing to kill to achieve their goals and Mr. Josiah is no different. The major conflict starts when the preacher refuses to build a fence to keep his sheep in and Sweetwater's husband, Miguel, confronts him about it. 

In addition to Miguel's disappearance, Josiah is questioned by Sheriff Hobo about two other missing people who Josiah referred to as trespassers when he gunned them down. Not long after, he makes a play for  Sweetwater's land, offering to convert her and her land to the church, forcefully if necessary. This sets the three on a collision course as they head to a bloody climax that will settle their issues once and for all.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweetwater is just about the slowest of the slow burn revenge thriller westerns. I was expecting a legit shoot'em up western. I thought it would be something like The Quick and The Dead, but plot and character development got in the way. Seriously, she finally starts her revenge with about 35 minutes left in the film. Although she puts in work, 35 min is not really enough time for killin'. 

What I did find funny though, was that back then women were really thought of as different people. "Here, take this to protect your feminine skin." Absolutely ridiculous, yet hilarious. Another thing was that a very public peep hole masturbation scene proved that there really were no rules in the west

I liked Stephen Root (dude is awesome. Google him, you know who he is) and I'm a fan of Ed Harris, who hasn't gotten enough credit for a lot of the stuff that he's done (Post The Rock). He was pretty damn good as the unique but not queer, county Sheriff.

 Overall though, it was not as good as and as action packed as I thought it'd be:

Violence?  Yes
Explosions?  Of subdued violence
Nudity? Yes

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Only God Forgives (2013)

 

When a cop kills the brother of a British gangster who runs a Bangkok fight club, his crime-boss mother flies in from London to supervise revenge.

 

The Cast:

Ryan Gosling/ Julian
Billy the bro aka Sir DB
Police Chief Chops-A-Lot aka Samurai Cop
Mama (Te quiero, Mamaaaaa!!!!!)
Mai, hot Thai stripper chick.

The Situation: 

Billy and Julian, run a fight club type of operation in Bangkok. Thai men fight, people wager on the outcome and occasionally drugs are passed through.

Billy is a scumbag and he actually deserved to be killed. Raping and killing prostitutes, drinking, beating women and cruising the streets for 14yr old tang? Yep, that's no way to gain sympathy as a character. Julian tracks down his killer and accepts his death as justified. His mother on the other hand, isn't so easily pacified, and she sets off a chain of events and pits the family against the hard edged chief of police, samurai cop who isn't afraid to go above the law and get his hands dirty to stop crime. 

The basic premise behind Only God Forgives is "an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," but with Julian caught in the middle of the chaos. Yes his brother was killed and yes he should want  revenge, but the killing was sort of justified. His mother, on the other hand, wants swift and brutal revenge, not caring that she's up against a samurai cop who is will bring her family nothing but ruin for crossing his path.

-----------------------------

Now I've...had...the time of my liiifffee......

With the exception of The Ides of March, I'd say that Ryan Gosling has been attempting to make the most of his anti hero persona developed in Drive. This film though, doesn't much to help.  He's just in it to look pretty and collect a paycheck. Dude barely talks and except for one scene where he fights (and loses) he doesn't really do shit but look mopey for the entire film. Aside from all of that, it's deliberately slow, painful, and includes a lot of long stares and silence. Tension is supposed to be being built but nothing is really happening other than Karaoke. (Asians sure do like their karaoke)
 

Only God Forgives is like an art house picture film. Like it's trying to be something more than it is. Also, it's a strange movie, Everyone moves like robots. It's weird. Do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Dopest part of this movie is that poster. Which has already been made into a shirt, here

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of slow paced, well plotted violence
Nudity? Yes? No? Idk. They'd have to throw in a lot of titty to salvage this film.

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Psycho Gothic Lolita (2010)

After assassins kill her mother and maim her father, innocent Yuki --now dining gothic leather -- goes on a mission for revenge.

At a birthday dinner, five hooded assailants, break into their home. In the struggle, her father is seriously injured and her mother is killed right in front of her. 

Lolita sneaks into a gambling den where debauchery is ever present. After disembowling the guard, she heads for her first kill, Sakie, the Queen.

By the time she reaches and executes the fifth guy, she learns that there was more to the story than just a random murder. Her mother was a devil, and they were exorcists. She is also a devil and he's been baiting her until she revealed her true form.

 Harbinger of Justice, executing those responsible for her mother's death. 

Before you ask: Why not? Japanese B movies are still B movies. 

Didn't really know what to expect when I started Psycho Gothic Lolita and honestly I was bored until the fighting started. It plays kinda like Kill Bill. A woman was wronged by 5 people, makes a list and sets out to get her revenge. But this is Japanese, so there's a lot of blood and gore and weirdness. It works for the film, but if you have no experience with the genre you'll hate it.

For a move made in Japan in 2010, it really lacks the flair that accompanies the genre. But technically it's an exploitation flick, so I guess that can explain it.

Idk whatever.

 

Violence? Yes. Oh yes
Explosions? Blood Spray
Nudity? No

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Bullet to the Head (2012)

Stallone is a Hitman who's been in and out of jail and has a long string of arrests but few convictions. At a bar after his last job, he is attacked by a dude, and manages to fight him off, but the guy escapes after killing his partner. He's being tracked down by Detective Kwon a.k.a.The "Ninja Ninja Ninja" guy from Ninja Assassin. Kwon offers to team up, and he refuses of course, but after a group of guys attempted to murder Kwon, he figures they share a common enemy and decides to take him up on his offer.

What do you mean there are no Ninja!!!

Bullet to the Head is a simple film with a simple premise: two guys on opposite sides of the law have the same enemies and must team up to get shit done. This includes a girl (played by the super hot Sarah Shahi) who becomes a damsel and the hired goon who is a beast that must be taken down for them to win. 

The thing about this movie is that it's enjoyable. It doesn't take itself too seriously, yet its not too cheesy either. Stallone's character is named Jimmy Bobo for Christ Sakes. The other thing about this film is that there's a lot happening, but at the same time, nothing is happening. I can't really explain it better. There's a lot happening, but it isn't about anything and while the action and violence are right for its context, I wouldn't say it's over the top, but more "right at the line" instead.

In a world of twilight, hangover and Madea, This is the type of mindless action film that we need. Something manly to let off steam. Stallone clearly knows his audience. He even included a motherfucking axe fight!  Smh. I'm not going to say this movie is dope, but I will say that it was satisfying.

That moment when you squeeze a trigger and a little poo comes out.

 

  

Violence? Headshots. Chest shots. Shots shots.
Explosions? He used to be an explosives expert in the war, so now he explosives everything. He'd fuck around and put a bomb in your coffee if you aren't careful.
Nudity? Not a lot, but it's there. You'll be pleased.

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Barbarian Queen (1985)

When Roman forces invade her village, violate her sister and capture her fiancé, an Amazonian queen vows revenge and sets out to liberate her people.

 As Amazonian Queen Amethea gets ready for her wedding, a group of Romans attack on horse back and although the men fight valiantly, the invaders do a lot of damage and collect a lot of new slaves. After the battle, she learns that her sister has also been kidnapped and she embarks on a path of revenge.

Revenge never looked so good...or fought so bad.

Barbarian Queen is such a crappy movie filled with bad dialogue. But that's the thing. You aren't supposed to love the dialogue, your supposed to be watching the hot Amazon women kick all sorts of ass. The sex appeal is the only reason these films were made, might as well enjoy it. Sword fights, barbarians, titty. Can't ask for much else. Okay, maybe you can ask for better dialogue. ::Shrug::

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Posse (1993)

A group of mostly black infantrymen return from the Spanish-American War with a cache of gold. They travel to the West where their leader searches for the men who lynched his father.

I watched Posse because I didn't think I had seen it. But I had. Just not from beginning to end. While the cast put on fine performances, I was still disappointed overall (I'm looking at you deebo). Posse was a decent film, it just didn't captivate me.

 Side Note: An ensemble film about negro cowboys and two of the most famous negro actors you could get at the time were Tone Loc and Big Daddy Kane? 

Also, Billy Zane dies in almost every movie he's in. Just sayin'

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Parker (2013)

A thief with a unique code of professional ethics is double-crossed by his crew and left for dead. Assuming a new disguise and forming an unlikely alliance with a woman on the inside, he looks to hijack the score of the crew's latest heist.

"I can't stop him. He is who he is." - I think that line sums up The Stath perfectly.

In Parker, The Stath is man of ethics and a compassionate thief. Shit. I'd let him rob me. He'd have to keep his shirt on though. Unlike his female fans, I'd rather not have him intimidate me with his body.
So Stath and his crew rob a state fair,  easily netting about 1 mil. After the job is done, they try to convince him to join in on the next plan. Once he refuses, he is betrayed by his crew and left for dead.

Only he doesn't die....He gets pissed.

Dun-dun-dunnnnn

 Cowboy hat Statham comes with a terrible Texas accent.

First thing he does after waking up in a hospital is choke out the nurse. Shit man, it's hard enough to be a male nurse even harder for a black dude, without the white man literally choking him out. Second, is steal an ambulance, patch himself up and get to work tracking them down. The bad guys, knowing that Parker is coming, reach out for help from their Chicago mob partners, and they immediately intervene. Problem is they've only pissed him off more. At one point he actually says, "no one likes chaos." Which is funny because no one actually liked Chaos. It sucked.

I forgot that Jennifer Lopez was in this movie. She kinda sucks, but she's pretty to look at. Although she reeks of desperation. Listen Lopez, Stath is too busy choking out minorities and delivering ass whoopings. You think he cares about Latinas? Ah, of course he does! Stath loves the cooch. Even if it's been with Diddy.

Sorry, rant over.

He doesn't immediately know where they are, so a lot of the film is him tracking then down. And Jennifer Lopez being in his business. You're not a goddamn detective, Lopez. This isn't out of sight. Shut the fuck up and let this happen. Also she's pretty smug for someone who's so desperate.

Okay, rant officially over.

Soooo...This happened...

His plan is to allow them to complete their heist, kill them and take the money for himself. But it's a lot of nothing until then.  The day before the heist, he is a attacked by Chicago's best enforcer in his hotel room. Stath knocks him out in a bathroom, but you know there's no way dude was not going over the balcony. And then he went over the balcony. Thus fulfilling the prophecy. The rest of the film occurs how you would expect, shooting, killing and getting away.

Parker is a capable movie. It's more of a heist movie than a revenge flick but unfortunately it is hampered by JLO. Outside of that and it's nearly two hour running time, it's decent. It should be better though. All this guy does is steal cars and shoot people. It's like his life is Grand Theft Auto. If anything, watch it with another. There's enough drama (and J Lo) to keep her interested and enough action to keep guys satisfied. And they effectively eliminated any chance for a sequel. Can't ask for anything else.

Plus the bad guys consist of Michael Chiklis and Bunk from the Wire. (Took me way too long to realize who it was) and Nick Nolte is also in this film. Nick fucking Nolte. He plays The Staths father in law. Dude sounds like he's been living off a steady diet of cigarettes and shame.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Peek a boob (Not JLo)

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Death sentence (2007)

Nick Hume is a mild-mannered executive with a perfect life, until one gruesome night he witnesses something that changes him forever. Transformed by grief, Hume eventually comes to the disturbing conclusion that no length is too great when protecting his family.

Kevin Bacon is not a badass. Bless his heart though, he really tries here. Death Sentence over reaches and tries to force you to care about his family, so when he hurts, you hurt and when he kills you cheer. I hate being force fed emotions. That shit turns me off as a viewer. I expected better. Shit, I started to cheer for the gang after a while. Logic being, the quicker he is killed, the quicker this crap ends.

Plus, I refuse to believe that Kevin Bacon can go From happy feet to packing heat and be intimidating. Don't get me wrong, there is obviously a story in between, but Death Sentence does not tell it correctly.

  

                                     

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No

Nudity?  No

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Killer Girl K (2011) [TV Series]

After her mother is kidnapped and killed, a young woman who was (already quite bad ass) joins a shadowy group to get the revenge training she needs. When she eventually accomplishes that task, she wants to retire. But to do so she'll have to fight her way out of the company.


Killer Girl K/Little Girl K is an action filled Korean series. It doesn't break new ground, but it does look good and the fight scenes are well done.

             

Sexy. Bad Ass. Women. They even did an their own stunts.

Here's a fight scene that I think you'll enjoy. Decide for yourself if it's worth checking out or not:

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Fear Island (2009)

Hillary Duff's not as sexy, not as famous older sister Haylie stars in this quasi-entertaining thriller which doesn't really amount to much. Fear Island is just...okay. But hey, at least someone watched it, right? Right? Ah, fuck you guys!

A Young woman is seen being chased through the woods by the authorities. All of her friends have been killed dead and she is the sole survivor. Questioning her is a disapproving cop who is being quite heavy handed in his pursuit of the truth and a psychiatrist who believes her. As the sole survivor, she's asked to give an account of everyone that was with her, how they died, and how she survived.

That week, she was getting together with a few old friends for the end of the summer. She was headed to a cabin on a remote island, owned by a member of the group. Little things start to happen here and there, but they are easily ignored.After the incidents intensify, they begin to suspect that someone else may be on the island, and when their boat goes missing, they are forced to accept their situation. There is someone on the island that doesn't want them to leave. On top of that, they are leaving messages on the bodies of each victim.

They begin to piece together just who is after them, but it's way too late by then. You already know they failed. You've been listening to the only survivor.


Quote of the film:
A dude gives a chihuahua tequila and when he's called out, says, "Well, he's Mexican. Mexicans love Tequila!"

Violence? Took a while, but we got there.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Wilderness (2006)

The tough teen inmates of a juvenile institution are dropped in a dense forest in a small British island, where they're expected to learn how to work as a team after a fellow prisoners death. But their backwoods rehabilitation hits a snag when they realize they are being hunted and they have to fight for survival.

In a male youth detention center, two kids are relentlessly bullied. After one takes their life, the boys are sent to a remote location known as "the island" to be taught a lesson in team building and compassion. Once on the island, they see signs that they may not be alone and soon find another youth group, this time female.

After a dead hobo is found, the two groups work together to contact the authorities, but when the kids start to disappear and the male leader takes a few arrows to the torso, leaving the island doesn't seem possible. With the adults out of the way, the kids are being hunted and are left in the woods to fend for themselves.

What The Fuck??!!!

Wilderness is long and gets kinda boring fairly quickly. It is surprisingly gory, but that's about all it has going for it. As The kids are picked off one by one, there's no need to look for the who and why, because they've been telling you all along.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Bruiser (2000)

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The Quick and the Dead (1995)

Lady avenger returns to western town owned by a ruthless gunslinger hosting an elimination tournament....In the west, you're either quick or you're dead.

The Quick and the Dead is hands down one of the best films of the Western genre. There's a coherent story, there's gunfights, and there's lawlessness all strung together to make a solid flick. While Sharon Shtone headlines, the bulk of the work is done by Gene Hackman and a young Leonardo DiCaprio. Plus, let's not forget that Russell Crowe is in this film too.

So to sum things up:

A list cast + balance between action/drama + gun fights + the wild west = a solid western and one you should watch.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Django Unchained (2013)

With the help of a German bounty hunter, a freed slave sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner.

Jamie Foxx plays a slave who is guaranteed his freedom upon completing one task, identifying the men who were his former overseers and helped to ruin his life. Under the tutelage of Christoph Waltz, he takes a shine to the bounty hunting business essentially because he gets paid to shoot white folk. He seeks to reunite with this wife who was branded, ripped away from him and sold into further slavery after a failed attempt to escape.

Somehow I found this to be the least Tarantino-y of his films, but it still worked. What can I say? The man makes good films. There were a few scenes that were played for laughs, including the "Masks On or Off" mob scene, but Jaimie Foxx took me out of it in a few of the other scenes. Luckily Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio were there to reign me back in. Even Sam Jackson managed to bring levity to the film as the loyal "Uncle Tom" house negro every slave owner was required to have. I was really not digging the Tarantino cameo. Why was he Australian? Seriously? I'd rather him just get in there and "nigger it up" than listen to him speak in that accent. Were Australians even in the states during the Civil War Era? Why? Also the movie was a bit longer than I'd've liked. Did he seriously think he would win an Oscar for Django?

Anyway Django Unchained is definitely definitely definitely a solid film. Much better than I had originally given it credit for, but not something that I'd give a ten to.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Tarantino
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Peek-a-boo titty. Seriously. Blink and you'll miss it.

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Bad Ass (2012)

Loosely based on a true incident, this tale follows a lonely Vietnam vet who bravely takes on two menacing hoods on a bus. When his heroics are caught on video, Frank sees his life transformed -- but not for very long. 

Frank Vega is a war vet who had trouble making it after returning home from the war. On a bus into the city, be stops two dudes from harassing and nearly attacking an elderly man. The fight is recorded and becomes a viral hit online. He becomes a minor celebrity and a symbol of citizens standing up for themselves. After his best friend, Klondike is killed and the police show disinterest in his case, Frank takes to the streets in an attempt to gain revenge and closure.

Eventually, the bad guys pay him a visit, looking for a flash drive that Klondike had stolen from them. After dispatching them, he continues his search, finds one of the guys responsible and figures out that the contents of the usb and the death of his friend are related. Fighting his way up the food chain, he steps toe to toe with the man responsible, who just happens to be Roc the Garbageman, aka Charles S. Dutton.

Frank is tortured, but being Bad Ass, he laughs it off, gets free and ends up in a high speed bus chase. He makes it home just in time to give Roc a solid ass whoopin'. And just when I didn't think this film could get any better, they fucked around and included the "call the amberlamps" line.

Action, Comedy, and even a little Titty. Bad Ass is Bad Ass and it hits all of its comedic notes. Epic Beard Man fucks people up in this film. At one point, they even do the slow motion Sherlock Holmes ass whoppin' thing. Plus few scenes are as funny as a man suiting up and putting on a "I Am A Motherfucker" shirt.

The fight that started it all:

Out of Ten? 7 + Roc = 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Nude Nuns with Big Guns (2012)

After sweet Sister Sarah is victimized by the brutal and corrupt clergy members in her church and nearly dies, God tells her to take revenge. Now she's packing heat and blowing away the bad guys. 

Some members of the clergy are in bed with a local gang. They cook up and Sell drugs to and for Los Muertos and their ruthless leader Chavo. After a drug deal gone bad, Chavo kidnaps a nun known as Sister Sarah, as penance and turns her into a doped up prostitute. After recovering and escaping Chavo's place, she claims that God has asked her to kill all sinners. One year later, she sets out on her mission.

Sister Sarah

A bit longer than it needed to be, Nude Nuns includes all of the Grindhouse staples (Blood, guns, drugs, tits etc.), but if it wasn't for the abysmally slow pacing, I would have given it a higher score.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Yakuza Weapon (2011)

Minus two limbs after his first showdown with a Yakuza chief, Shozo is remade into a machine-gun-armed, rocket-launcher-legged vengeance machine. Now the kingpin and his men are the targets of a psychotic who's made of more firepower than they carry.

 Guns, swords, chivalry and loyalty are the ways of the Yazuka. Feeling that those are outdated, one man, Kurawaki, disposes of the old chief and assumes command. He believes that business and drug distribution is the new way to go and it is his goal to unite the families under his control. Upon hearing that his father has been slain, Shozo, a young and fearless man, returns to Japan intent on revenge and proving that he is the toughest of all the Yakuza. After their first battle, Shozo is left missing both his right arm and his left leg. After being patched up and given cybernetic weapon enhancements, he sets out to take down Kurawaki once and for all. What he doesn't know is that Kurawaki has also been enhanced and he now commands an army of drug fueled supporters.

She can shoot rockets from her vadge. That's right folks, Vagina Cannon!

Yakuza Weapon is a Japanese grindhouse movie. That means gore, comedy, and cyber/human weapons. There's machine gun arms, Cock Rockets and a freaking Vagina Cannon! This film basks in its ridiculousness while still telling a decent story. It isn't the type of film that you'd watch if you were looking for serious action, but it is still entertaining.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? Vagina Cannon

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The Man who Came Back (2008)

A man who fought for the South in the Civil War, is framed for murder and watches his family get killed as he is run out of town after being labeled a negro sympathizer. Slow and dramatic, nothing ever really happens, but the tension is built in a way that makes you think something will. When shit finally does happen, it's so forced and so cartoonishly evil that it takes you away and just makes you want to quit the film out of shame.

Seriously They made the main villain so unbelievably evil. How so? Well here's a checklist of every evil deed (in order):

• He's a former overseer
• Pays slaves in un-redeemable coupons
• Hangs negros (Naturally)
• Sends an innocent man to prison and rapes that man's wife in front of him
• Pistol whipped that man's son and dumped the body down a well [Yes. A fucking water well!]
• Tortures whores
• Massacres negroes
• Shatters a family's tombstones spreads the shards across town
• Brings a whip to a fist fight
• Brings a hidden derringer to a fist fight.

Wow. Just. Wow.
I think only UDay Hussain can say that he's done worse.

Out of Ten? 4

This film is like a long ass western soap opera.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Bulletface - 2010

Horror and Revenge drive this thriller set in the sex and human trafficking underbelly of a nightmarish city where spinal fluid has become the drug of choice...with frightening consequences.

A Federal agent is sent to prison after a human trafficking deal goes awry. After her brother is killed by the Drug Lord, Marcos, she is released for two days of revenge. Marcos' gang is manufacturing a synthetic drug using spinal fluid. He's looking to recreate a ritualistic formula that would render him practically immortal.

This movie sucked so I'm going to jump to the end:

She succeeds in killing him by overdosing him w his drug.

Moving on...

There are multiple prison rape scenes and I guess they were trying to show what she had been through or what was in store for her so we could understand why she never returned to jail at the end of the two days, but outside of the obvious "don't go to jail or this could be you" heavy handed message they were trying to get across, The significance of  the rape scenes is never discussed.

However, I can appreciate that they put down a mattress before each rapin'. (Considerate rapists are considerate.)

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Exclusions? No
Nudity? Yes

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