Mis Peores Amigos (2013)/Promedio Rojo (2004)

Mis Peores Amigos is actually a pretty decent, lighthearted little comedy in which 3 friends reconnect after one falls ill and the others learn he only has weeks to live. The goal is to help him complete a bucket list they made in their teens, which also includes finding a leprechaun and traveling through time. 

 It is a direct sequel (albeit 10 years later) to Primera Roja, the film which first established the main characters and their motivations. In that one, the guys are just trying to survive high school when Roberto, the lead, falls in love with a girl who falls for the handsome bully instead. The same bully who torments him daily.  In between the two films, Roberto, has physically transformed himself from fat nerd to beefy architect and he's purposely left his friends/old life behind, and the reunion in Amigos is understandably frosty.

I didn't know Amores was a sequel until the end, where Netflix hit he with the "you might like these..." and it turned out to be the same story that was narrated and starred the same actors only younger. That was dope and watching these films back to back. I felt more invested in the characters.

This isn't something that's going to sit high on my list, but they are decent at the least. Like Terminator, I didn't know the first one existed until I saw the second,, but I enjoyed both either way.

 

Violence? Happens
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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American Muscle (2014)

 

I'm a sucker for a good revenge flick and this low budget, super cheesy film was definitely satisfying.

The plot can be summed up thusly:

John Falcon just got out of prison on a early release for a ten year bid. His mantra in prison, "you owe, you pay!" Has become a way of life and now that he's out, he is on a mission to insure that the people who put him there, repay their debt. 

Basically, some people fucked him over and now he's out to kill them. And apparently get pussy along the way as random women would gladly provide:

"Oh, you just got out of prison? Have some pussy."

"Stabbed in a knife fight? Here's some pussy."

"What? You like sunlight too? Boy, have I got some pussy for you."

It was crazy. I love a gratuitous nudity so I'm not complaining, but still I'm worried some impressionable youth might get the idea that gong to jail guarantees you pussy upon your release. (As opposed to being the pussy once you're in.)

Anyway, American Muscle had all that I want/look for in a, revenge flick. Blood, gore, titty, muscle cars, shitty dialogue...it really did have everything and I enjoyed it.
 

You won't, but you're not me.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence and nudity
Nudity? Yes

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The Babadook (2014)

A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son's fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.

The Babadook is beloved amongst horror fans and critics. Honestly, I thought it was pretty good up until they shit the bed in the ending. 3 stars is appropriate. nothing more, nothing less and the whole story pretty much boils down to this: How many times must we think children are crazy before we actually believe their crazy bullshit? Seriously, how much can you stand before you actually believe them?

"The Babadook is real and I don't want you to die!" okay, I may not be afraid of that statement.
 

But:
"He going to scare you first."
"You may not be afraid of him now, but you will be when he's eating your insides."  Hmm...I like my insides...you know, inside. 

That right there may be a cause for concern but in light of all that, why wait for the Babadook? Just end it now. That kid sucks anyway and he's totally threatening your life bro. You know what you have to do. 

The Babadook is definitely worth a watch, but just one. I honestly don't think I can enjoy it twice. The Kid was creepy and the mother was reckless. However their was a palpitating sense of dread and that carried the movie from beginning to end and speaking of which, I really want to talk about that (the end) since I know no one actually reads this blog,  (although you totally should)  but there may be at least one guy/gal who does, so I won't. The end is stupid though. You'll see.

Ba
Baa
Dook
Doook!
Doooook!!! 

Violence? I guess. A dog died so there's that
Explosions? Of repressed and latent anger
Nudity? No.

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Knights of Badassdom (2013)

 

Live-action role players conjure up a demon from Hell by mistake and they must deal with the consequences.

Knights of Badassdom is a dope ass horror comedy hybrid based around the concept of Live Action Role Playing and while the title is clunky as fuck, the film is put together well (and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.) You can tell that everyone actually enjoyed themselves while making the film and that showed. On top of that, blood, guts and metal really fleshed out the film.

I can't give it a 5 because of one particular scene, but personal grievances aside, it doesn't fit my criteria because I wouldn't buy it. I can see myself owning it, but I wouldn't walk into a store specifically looking for this film to purchase. It's still a rock solid film and I dug it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Rock!
Nudity? No

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Cut n Paste Logic

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Witching & Bitching (2013)

In this heist film turned horror-fest, a gang of thieves lands in a coven of witches who are preparing for an ancient ritual -- and need a sacrifice.

If I were trying to talk you into watching this film. I'd say: "Witching and Bitching is like a Spanish version of From Dusk til Dawn in that it starts as one gene and quickly transitions into something darker."

But that's where it ends. Witching & Bitching is a different beast. This shit showed up on my Netflix list and was a five star movie. It basically dared me to watch and I can't express exactly how much I enjoyed it. Tight, hilarious dialogue, committed characters, impressive set pieces and effects, slick direction, this film had it all and each piece kept things moving in the right direction quickly. It's over before you know it.

The only real drawback is the ending. But most movies these days write themselves into a hole so I can forgive that.

With all that said, Witching & Bitching earns a solid 5. It's an  enjoyable film that hits my "5 star" criteria:

• I'd watch it again
• I'm certain others would enjoy it
• I'd buy it.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Panhandler's Lament

Walking down the street on my way back to work, I'm stopped by a sullen looking young man. Since he now has my attention, he begins to tell me about how he's lost his wallet and he can't get home. In between that starting point and the end of his story, let me share with you what I learned about this man that day:

• It is hard for him to ask for money on the street (this is actually true for maybe the first few days/weeks)
• He feels that we have a kinship so he's more comfortable talking to me.
• He has a daughter with some type of debilitating disease
• He is a Christian
• He only needs $10 to get home
• He has a job
• He throws wild parties
• He has an iPhone (fully charged)
• He would rather ask for money than rob people. He used to be about that life though.
• He's sold drugs, but he's not about that life because he has a daughter.
• He and I could be cool people because I  don't judge and because if the aforementioned kinship.
• [He apparently has no friends that could help him out ]

I let him finish, then hit him with: "So here's the thing. All of that is well and dandy, but what is it that you want?"

This motherfucker says, "I know what I want, but I'm not expecting you to give me $300."

This motherfucker was out in these streets panhandling for $300. Trying to get a week's worth in one shot, I guess. I kinda gave him the side-eye and he quickly changes his tune to, "I'm saying even $100 would be good."

Really?

Well, I'd take a Ten...

Yeah...see. I just came back from lunch and I spent all my cash. I can't help you. You know what, I think I have a dollar. At this point, I blindly reached into my pocket and came up with a crisp $10 bill. Like fresh from the bank, crisp.

"Oh, hey, you have a ten right there."

Yeah...well we both know I'm not giving you a ten. Here's a dollar.

He had the nerve to look upset, as if I owed him money for the deception. Like he had never thought that one of the people he was trying to con would actually lie to him. At that point, I started to explain why his existence was flawed:

You already said you needed $10 to get home. I just gave you one. If you stop 9 more people, you can get home today. Also, why the fuck--no. You know what, you got a dollar. Good luck with the rest of your day.

"Alright thanks."

===============

I have no idea why these mofos stop me. I must have sucker written on my face. On top of that, I have no idea why I even entertain these sob stories. 

My two main questions were:

• Are we that bold as beggars to ask for $300 from random dudes you stop on the street? I appreciate the compliment (that I look like I have money) but really? What the fuck?!
• You have a fully charged iPhone. How about you call one of those other motherfuckers you party with and have them come get you?

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Maximum Conviction (2012)

Sent to mothball an old prison, a former black ops operative and his partner have their hands full when mercenaries arrive seeking two female inmates.

On the night of a prison transport, a highly trained extraction team runs into the buzzsaw that is Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Jamaican Slayin', Russian Bustin', Police Officer known as Steven Segal.

In case you don't get it, let me break this down further: this flick has Stone Cold Steve Austin--The Second Baddest Man on the Planet --and his sole existence is to lead his team through the chaos and clear a path so that Segal can do his thing.

No bullshit, Maximum Conviction is one of the best popcorn flicks I've seen in quite sometime and I have no idea why I waited so long to watch it. Again, this is popcorn. You don't have to think, just sit back and enjoy. Everything that you expect from this flick is there, quips, one liners, shootouts and just when you thought it wouldn't happen, some mofo gets his arm irreparably broken.

Full disclosure, I'm giving it a three here and a four on Netflix. Nobody reads this blog or cares, but I'm fully aware of what the movie was and it's real value, and I am trying to keep some consistency on this site at least. Also, as far as Netflix it's concerned, I can never get enough of that Pudgy American Samurai.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Happy Faced Hobo

So I'm on the train the other day

And there's a guy sitting across from me, kinda sitting and laughing and generally being what appears to be a genuinely happy, possibly inebriated hobo. Hew wasn't a hobo though, just one of those, "let me tell you about this hear thing..." older guys.

Anyway, I sit across grub the dude and the first thing out his mouth is: 

"You look like you're from the south. Are you from the south or are you Caribbean?"
 

Well, if I have to be from either of those places, I guess I'd say I'm from the south.

What's that? Did you say Georgia?!  Haha I knew it. Those Caribbeans are *makes thumbs down motion.*

Do you like Luther? And Ron Isley?

Umm, sure.

Haha. I know it. Luther is my dude. You've got to like Ron Isley. You're more blues than gospel aren't you?

Sure

Blues first, gospel second. Ron Isley above all.

*I'm thinking, man this guy sure does love him some Ron Isley*

Why do you like Ron Isley?

Um, Why not?

Ahhahaha you're hilarious. I'm stealing that answer. I love it. Why not? hahahaaahha

At this point, a dark skinned Caribbean woman gets on and sits next to him. Hew immediately asks her if she's married and when she says yes, he tells her to tell me. Not 5 seconds after dude has his hand to his mouth talking about how he'd never marry a Caribbean and how good the pussy is.

Another female walls by and he asks if she's married. She kinda ignores him so he's like, well you should be. You want to marry me? Hahaha.

He starts to ask the guy next to him questions, but that guy is a tourist so he's eating this up. He turns his attention back to me:

They say I got a big one. Haha. That's what all the ladies tell me.

Well why are you telling me? Tell them (motions to two other women sitting to my left)

Man I ain't taking about no snowflakes! I'm talking about ho-mo-sexuals. Transexuals, shemales and ALL that.

Ah ok.

Hahahaha you're hilarious.

These mofos treating me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Jesus looks out for me. He told me exactly what I need to do. I listen him when he speaks.

Ah ok.

"Hey, don't look over here!," he said to the woman that ignored his marriage proposal earlier. She don't want to hear me, but she hear Jesus and she's all in my conversation. Haha look at her now. Haha you are a funny guy.

Ah ok. Cool. You have a good night

#################

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Best Night Ever (2013)

 

With her sister and pals in tow, a bride to be heads to her bachelorette bash in Las Vegas where the women's exploits land then in raunchy territory.

I saw a trailer for this film a while back. It looked funny but I didn't think it was worth a download so I kept it moving. I'm  man enough to admit when I'm wrong. Best Night Ever is fucking hilarious. It's basically a raunchy bachelor party movie, but with females. 

You've both seen this movie before and you haven't. It doesn't exactly tread new ground, but once you watch it, you'll see what I mean. The only real drawback to this film was learning that it was written by Seltzer and Friedberg, better known as the two guys behind that rash of horrible spoof movies that effectively killed the genre. Had I known they were involved, I would have skipped it like three times over. But I actually enjoyed it so, what do I know?

So, the score? I think it's hilarious, but idk if I'd watch it again and I certainly don't know that I'd laugh the same if I did. Factoring that in, and including my original enjoyment, I have to go with:

Violence? Mild
Explosions? That happened
Nudity? Technically yes, but you won't like it.

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Facepalm. Facepalm. Catch the fever now...

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Dragonball: Battle of Gods (2014)

As in every DBZ feature, the Earth is either threatened or under attack and Goku sets out to save us. This time, our villain is Beerus, the God of Destruction. Awakened from a 39yr slumber, he seeks out a fight with a Super Sayan God. Not finding a worthy challenge among the remaining Sayans, and after defeating ALL of the Z-Fighters, he decides to destroy Earth. Goku, champion fighter and savior of Earth, learns that in order to have the strength to challenge pyrrus he must become a god himself. 

Goku vs Beerus is one of the best fights they have animated. Not because of the action, but because of the story development. Goku's been humbled by a stronger fighter and realizes that he cannot win without using power borrowed from his friends, and he hates every minute, lamenting that the God form is something that he'll never be able to achieve on his own. He's vulnerable. I can't remember the last time that's happened.

Anyway, I had been looking forward to watching this flick ever since it was announced and admittedly, I could be biased by nostalgia, but I feel that Battle of Gods Lived up to its hype. I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. The humor, the fights all the references and cameos. All of it. It also summed up the events of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z so that new viewers could jump right into this story.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Who's on first?...making copies...

Hey, do you know how to turn on the Xerox?

Which?

The Xerox copier.

Yes. Which one?

I powered it down to clear some job, but I can't turn it back on.

I don't know which Xerox though.

The Xerox. It's around here *points*

Sigh. Okay, I'll just follow you.


------------------------------------------------------------------

I work with winners.

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One Phone, Two Phone. Old Phone, New Phone.

So, they hired an Office Manager, (let's call her Layla) and since they hadn't decided on a place for her to sit, she sat at the Reception desk. (Later we learned that that would be where the office manager would sit from then on, but that's another story.)

At the reception desk, there is a console phone. Console phones are better known as reception phones and they can hold somewhere between 30 and 40 lines. Because no one knows how things actually work, and because Layla refused to use it, they set up a separate 16 button handset beside the console. Her logic being, "I'm not a receptionist, and I won't be answering the phones like one."

Here's why I'm writing this story, every call that has come in to that phone, she has answered and transferred to the appropriate person. So now there are two phones on that desk that serve the same purpose, all because she refuses to learn how to use them and or the company refuses to do away with tradition.

Update:  The new Office Manager has spearheaded a campaign to get rid of the traditional phone and use the smaller handset. Partly because she doesn't want to use it and learn how, partly because it just takes up space on the desk.

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You Can't Choose Your Parents...

So I was on the train the other day…

…and I hear this woman yelling. She’s screaming at someone telling them to “Shut the fuck up” and something along the lines of “Who do you think you are?” I had the music going so I didn’t notice at first, but when I heard, “I’ll fuck you up” along with more screaming, I turned to see who she could be yelling at and it turned out to be a little boy. Seriously, a small child who could not have been older than 5. She continued laying into this child without mercy and at one point, she even called him an asshole and made sure that he was aware that it was she who was the parent, and not him.

Honestly, it was crazy, and by the time the whole scene had ended, one man summed up the event with a shrug and said, “Some people just shouldn’t be parents.”

It is kinda hard to disagree with that.

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You Don't Know Crack

So I was on the train the other day...

...and a homeless man got on and began asking for change. Two men were talking and when one of the guys saw the hobo, they had the following conversation:

Man #1: "Man, I would never give that man money. He's a crackhead."
Man #2: "How do you know that?"
Man #1: I saw him coming out of a Crack House the other day
Man #2: How do you know it was a Crack House?
Man #1: ...(Silence)

That's exactly what I was thinking..."How do you know it was a Crack House? and why aren't you answering?"

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Rampage: Capital Punishment (2014)

A man takes over a TV station and holds a number of hostages as a political platform to awaken humanity, instead of money.

The Cast:

• Little Bill Williamson
• Ted from Hey Dude
• The Best Damn News Team Ever
• Inept cops
• Civilian Canon fodder

The Situation:

3 years after the events of the first film, Bill Williamson has returned, this time taking control of a local news station in the next stage of his anarchist agenda. He basically wants to Purge the 1% and is imploring people to help him rid the world of the corrupt rich and save the world. 

Sandwiched in between is his slaughter if the 99% which basically amounts to population control.

The Resolution:

People are killed, stuff is blown up and the highly implausible adventures of Little Billy Williamson continue.

------------------------------------------

Line of the film: "What I've done in the past and what I'm doing today, is because there is no gun control."

I can't decide I whether that line is funny or sad, but it rings true either way. 

You've probably never heard of either, but if you're in the mood for a popcorn flick that's just randomly destructive, look no further. The Rampage Series is what postal should have been, --someone going crazy and shooting things-- but it's better as it's own film. Specifically, what sets it apart are the high production values and the obscene amount of destruction caused by one man. In the first film, dude nearly layed waste to an entire town. Capital Punishment, though, is a lot more talky than the first but the story is roughly the same.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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I Didn't Ask For It, I Don't Need It, But If It Doesn't Work, I'll Raise Hell

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Life After Beth (2014)

 

The Cast:

• Molly Shannon
• John C. Reilly
• Cheryl Hines
• That guy from Chronicle
• Aubrey Plaza
• A guy who appears to be Paul Reiser*

 

After his girlfriend suddenly dies via snake bite, Zach is devastated. About a week later, her family stops returning his calls and he heads to their house only to discover that Beth is alive and her family is keeping it secret.

After things calm down he is finally told what happened. "She was dead and now she's not." He resolves that she may or may not be a zombie, but he's so happy to have her back that quickly blinded to the truth.

Soon after, ALL of the town's dead have risen and a full blown zombie epidemic is upon the town.

-----------------------

Life After Beth is less horror and more black comedy, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. Despite a few plot holes and unexplained phenomena, it's still a pretty rock solid little film. My only real hang up was that I couldn't not see April Ludgate. I kept waiting for Andy to come in and save the day, but he's too busy playing with LEGO and saving the galaxy.  

Overall, It was a very mild zombie flick with a not so subtle message of "let go"  and "careful what you wish for." They also saw fit to throw in at least one pair of titties for guys like me.

*turns out that guy really WAS Paul Riser.

Line of the Film:

Zack: "Beth, you fucking ate a guy!"
Beth: "Duh, Zach. I'm a fucking zombie. Zombies eat guys!"

 

Violence? Yes but nothing crazy
Explosions? Of the Living Dead
Nudity? One scene

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The Possession Of Michael King (2014)

After his wife dies, Michael King decides to use himself to prove or disprove the supernatural. Filming himself 24/7, goes through all manner of supernatural rituals hoping that some proof would finally be captured on camera. He will learn the hard way that shit is real as he finds himself tormented by a demon who's sole purpose is to "fuck him up" and get him to kill his daughter.

-----------------

The Possession of Michael King is a very tight little film. Good premise, good acting and the story actually flowed with few, if any, hiccups. If I had to gripe about this film it would be the same issue I have with every film in this genre, I will never understand why people tempt demons and spirits and shit. Does that shit ever end well?!  

Anyway, hats off to the guy that played Michael King. I have no idea why I'm noticing specific performances in these types of films all of a sudden but this guy crushed his role. I'm fairly certain he wasn't doing the contortions his character did on screen but I was impressed regardless. The Possession of Michael King is definitely worth a watch, especially if you're into the genre.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of demon related madness
Nudity? No

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Leprechaun Origins (2014)

 

Two young couples backpacking through Ireland discover that one of Ireland's most famous legends is a terrifying reality.

A group of friends are traveling through Ireland. On the last weekend of their trip, they hear of ancient Celtic ruins and of course decide to visit. What they weren't expecting was to be sacrifices to the vengeful leprechaun who torments the village seeking retribution for his stolen gold.

Let's talk Leprechaun for a second. Gone is the rapping leprechaun who use to bang in the hood.(He's probably still floating around in space.) Gone is the whimsical jokester leprechaun that comically requests his gold and can't resist shining a shoe or two. In his place is a terrible, new incarnation who is, for all intents and purposes, ugly as fuck and bred to kill. Unfortunately, since we live in a PG-13 world, a lot of the deaths were off-screen, which totally fucking sucked, but we did get one sweet spine ripping death scene. So, eh.

As for the rest of the film, no one ever really watches these films for the characters, but they were decent for what it's worth and Little Billy Williamson from Rampage might have actually survived, had he brought his suit of armor. And his guns. And his rage.Overall though,  I never thought I'd say this, but Leprechaun Origins is a pretty decent film. It is ultimately no different than the 400,000 films of this genre, yet because it is a WWE film I expected much, much worse. I mean, have you seen See No Evil? Ugh..

Check it out if you come across it. Or not. It's your life. Whatever.

 

Violence? It's there. Somewhere.
Explosions? Many pants were shat in fear
Nudity? Nope

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The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

 

I came across this flick browsing Netflix, and after reading the plot, I threw this one on immediately. It seemed like such an interesting concept. A woman with Alzheimer's may or may not be possessed and by the time everyone figures out what's going on. It may be too late.

The Taking of Deborah Logan starts off slow, but provides what may a decent depiction of life with Alzheimer's. Over the course of 60 days, a documentary film crew films a woman with the disease for a medical thing and above all else, It looks like it sucks both having and having to deal with someone who has it.

From day one, Deborah Logan seemed to be a pretty creepy old lady. The Alzheimer's didn't help her case and the eventual possession certainly didn't change my opinion. Her performance though is stellar. Pure talent.

Watching the footage, her the crew and her daughter begin to suspect there's something much more sinister taking hold of Deborah and their suspicions are confirmed once they find out she is linked to the disappearance of a local serial killer. As things get crazier, some of the most real talk ever is put to film as the cameramen basically put their feet down, ask for double pay and eventually walk the fuck away while the daughter resigns herself to alcoholism, and medical officials try to figure out just what is going on.

Because they spend so much time creating the tense atmosphere, it feels a bit longer than it is. Don't let that turn you away. It's still a solid movie and although I wasn't too happy with the direction the film took in the second act, (the logic of the possession) it managed to pull itself together to end the film decently.

Line of the film (non-spoiler):

"Fucking white people and their attics and basements." 

 

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Of creepy shit
Nudity? Surprisingly,  but titty is titty.

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Counting Dem Franklins

It's Pay Day, bitches...

It was this or Stacking Benjis and that design just sounds like it sucks outright.

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Maniac (2014)

As he helps a young artist with her upcoming exhibition, the owner of a mannequin shop's deadly, suppressed desires come to the surface.

The Cast:

• Stupid hobbit
• His killin knife
• Knife Fodder
• The entire inanimate cast of Mannequin 
• Hot blonde with shitty accent
  

Maniac, is a surprisingly good and mildly disturbing movie. Shot from the pov of a serial killer, his face is barely seen  outside of when he's looking in a mirror and ALL this dude does, is kill chicks and take scalps, like a righteous Inglorious Basterd.

He becomes obsessed with one female and tries to prove to her that they are perfect together. When that inevitably fails, he pulls out his knife and gets to work. 

Am I allowed to say that I am digging the post Frodo, Elijah Wood? He has fully tapped into his awkwardness. Dude has been awkward since Flipper, yet 30 years later he's finally accepted it and we're all better for it.

Anyway, if you are browsing Netflix and come across Maniac, give it a watch. Very few films I know of have been from the literal pov of the serial killer and I can say that very few are as entertaining.

 

Violence? Yes.
Explosions? Of knife work
Nudity? Yes. That happened.

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The One With More BYOD

I have this form. Do I need to do anything else? 

I need your BB. Do you have it on you?

No.

Okay. I need that and then we can get to work.

Well, how long does it take? 

Not very. Just need the BB to get started.

I get that, but will it take a long time? 

It will take as long as it takes for you to get me that BB.

*Blank stares*

Okay. Do you have your BB?

Yes, but not on me. It's in my office. You asked if I had it on me. 

Fine. You're right. I did.

I will get you the BB. I'll be back.

Okay.

*1 day later*

Hey, I have my BB. I remembered you asked for it.

Pfft. Then you never came back.

Yeah. 
*laughs*

------------------------------------------------

Haha. I just love asking people for help then never returning.  Such a classic gag.

Smh.

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Finger Lickin' Clean

So I was on the train the other day...


...and eventually a woman gets on with her two children, one of whom sits next to me and finishes her fries. She doesn't have a napkin so she begins to lick. Her fingers. Clean. I mean she really got in there, front, back, in between. There were no part of her fingers that hadn't be licked.  It was 100% gross and I could not take my eyes off of this gross little girl. My face was a good mixture of "contempt" and "You Nasty Bastard!"

No exaggeration, it really looked something like this...

After what felt like 5 minutes, I realized that I was staring at that little girl like I wanted to fight her and I had to turn away, lest her big 'ol bad momma noticed. I don't think anyone else saw what happened, but since then, I always carry napkins. Just in case.

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Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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