Rambo IV (2009)

In Thailand, John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma, and rescue a group of Christian aid workers who were kidnapped by the ruthless local infantry unit.

So I'm browsing the site (like you should all be doing) and I realize that I never put up a review for the latest (and greatest) Rambo movie.

First off, John Rambo is a Mother.Fucking.Beast. Dude goes into Burma, rips out throats and damn near destroys the entire Burma army.  Why the Burman army you ask? Well, FUCK THE BURMESE ARMY! That's why.  They were so cartoonishly over the top evil that you would not care how they met their end because they deserved it.

The Burma Commander's sole purpose was to stand around, look tough, smoke and scream, "Dak dlak. Alack lack dlacka!" While his soldiers completely put the Vikings to shame in the way they ransacked and destroyed two villages and everyone within.

You'd have to watch it to fully understand, but by the time Rambo got through with them, you'd be standing and applauding. There's no one more American than John Rambo and did I mention that he ripped out a man's throat with his bare hands? 

Deepthroated - Click the Pic to watch.

Honestly I feel like the hyper violence was a distraction tactic and I think he was just trying to get us to look past his age. Thing is, I do not care...Okay, I cared a little, but Rambo IV released during a time when we needed a movie like this. At the time, the top film at the box office was either Paul Blart or Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Fuck that. I'd take an old ass Rambo, or even Rambo in space if it's attached to action like this.

 

Violence? He shot someone point blank with an M-50
Explosions? Dude blew up an un-detonated bomb from Vietnam.
Nudity? Yes. Dem Burmese is crazy.

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Barbarian Queen (1985)

When Roman forces invade her village, violate her sister and capture her fiancé, an Amazonian queen vows revenge and sets out to liberate her people.

 As Amazonian Queen Amethea gets ready for her wedding, a group of Romans attack on horse back and although the men fight valiantly, the invaders do a lot of damage and collect a lot of new slaves. After the battle, she learns that her sister has also been kidnapped and she embarks on a path of revenge.

Revenge never looked so good...or fought so bad.

Barbarian Queen is such a crappy movie filled with bad dialogue. But that's the thing. You aren't supposed to love the dialogue, your supposed to be watching the hot Amazon women kick all sorts of ass. The sex appeal is the only reason these films were made, might as well enjoy it. Sword fights, barbarians, titty. Can't ask for much else. Okay, maybe you can ask for better dialogue. ::Shrug::

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Hitchcock (2013)

A love story between influential filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock and wife Alma Reville during the filming of Psycho in 1959.

After finishing North by Northwest, Hitchcock was somewhat depressed. He needed a new project and nothing intrigued him. He came across "Psycho," (which was was a book based on the notorious serial killer, Ed Gein.) And pitches his idea to turn this into a horror movie to Paramount Studios. They pass and claim that like Vertigo, it is a risk and one they will not take because he still owes them money from that film.

Talking to his agent, he estimates that he can get Psycho done for about $800K and decides to self finance, fully aware of the fact that he'd be basically pouring all that he had into it and if it flopped, he'd be in ruins. He doubts himself, of course, but his wife is 100% supportive and he's overall committed to his vision. Everyone else just doubts him as he's never done a horror picture at this point and jumps with both feet in. His first move was to buy every copy of the original book so that no one would know the ending until the premiere of the movie and despite studio and MPAA pressure (He fought hard to get the shower/knife scene in the film) and illness, he gets the picture done.

Paramount, still believing the movie to be a flop, decided to run the film in only two theaters and refused to put any money towards marketing. Since he didn't get the premiere he desired, Hitchcock set about a plan to self market the movie and marketed the fuck out of it. There were  crowds of people lined up for blocks trying to see it opening night.

The reviews came in, the crowds loved it and the rest is history.

Stray Quotage:

"I look forward to this Mr.Hitchcock."
Call me hitch, hold the cock."

"He's a good lookin chap. But plywood would be more expressive."

"Your contract also says paramount doesn't have to release any films that could cause us embarrassment"


"Unlike the last 5 Mitchell and Lewis films you're so proud about."

Hitchcock is a behind the veil look at the creation, filming and distribution of psycho. It also provides a glimpse of the life of Alfred Hitchcock during that time, including his drive, passion and motivations for doing what he does.

There's all sorts of Hollywood in references and a bit history in this film and apparently Vertigo was a shit movie that happened the last time he "did something different" which was why the studios gave him so much shit for psycho. I enjoyed it though. Until the last act anyway.

I still do not believe that Scarlett Johansson can act. They cast her as an actor inside of the film. So we get double of her not acting and none of the breasts. But Helen Mirren as his wife, Alma Reville? She was a completely badass and devoted character and Helen acted circles around the cast. It really wasn't fair. Especially to Scarlett.

Violence? No
Explosions? Of angst
Nudity? No

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Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell (1987)

This collection cherry-picks trailers, forgotten scenes and poster art from 47 gooey oldies, including Bay of Blood and The Blood Spattered Bride.

Previews From Hell is the type of film that only works if you consider yourself a film buff and or if you like old school exploitation horror flicks. It's actually pretty straightforward. Trailers, clips and nothing more. You knew what you're getting into the minute you watch this film. Look at it as a way to be introduced to a lot of the older exploitation and cult flicks of the horror genre.

The original trailers for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Night of the Living Dead. Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS and The Last House on the Left are included and while I hadn't heard of a lot of the other films, I can't say that I'm not interested. Blood Gore tits. They have it all. And that's all I want. Plus as I've mentioned somewhere else on this blog, I like to know where these films cane from; a bit of the history and culture.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Eh
Nudity? Yes

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Arena (2011)

In this direct to video thriller, a young firefighter is forced to fight for his life in gladiatorial contests masterminded by an evil entrepreneur.

After his pregnant girlfriend and their unborn son die in a car accident, super manly Firefighter/Paramedic/Rugby Player/Marine, David Lord goes to Mexico and on a drunken bender and catches the eye of a sultry woman named Milla after defending himself in a bar. She recruits him for the Arena, where he'll be forced to fight to the death in pseudo gladiator battles that are broadcast worldwide.

Sam Jackson presides over the events and intends to make a lot of money with David. But since he's so reluctant to kill, Sam gives him a deal, if he can survive 10 contests, he'll walk. No questions asked.
David says he'll only accept if he gets the executioner, Kaden, in the last battle. With that, we have a movie. 

That suit speaks for itself...

Arena was actually a pretty decent film. The fights were well done, the CG wasn't terrible and there's soooo many beheadings, Al Queda would be ashamed. That's the first reason I may be biased towards the film. The other two being an Office Space reference, -as one guy is hassled about the cover sheets on his TPS reports- and I'm a fan of any film where Sam Jackson gets to mail it in and chew scenery all while being in Badass Barney Mode and wearing a  crushed velour suit.

Kellen Lutz sounds like someone I should know. But I don't. Which may also explain why this went straight to DVD. His character was odd though. It's like they saw fit to give him all the laymen tough guy jobs because they couldn't decide on just one. Yet they decide to have the other characters focus on him being a paramedic, as if being a Firefighter/Rugby Player/Marine was just not tough enough to count. Dude was a rugby player. Everyone knows you don't fuck with rugby players.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

Lara Croft is on a quest to save Pandora's box.

The Tomb Raider movie franchise was basically an excuse for Jolie to hold guns and be what nerds would consider sexy for about an hour and a half. The plot has her searching for "Pandora's Box," because she's a treasure hunter who doesn't want it to fall in the wrong hands.

Angelina is badass as Lara Croft. That I can't deny. The movie itself however, isn't that good. At all. I wasn't expecting it to be awesome because it was a sequel to a previously crappy film, but shit, I what I got was barely better than Blood Rayne. (Strong statement, I know) A Pre-Spartan Gerard Butler co-stars if you're interested, but I'd say watch only if you'd like to suffer through another bad video game movie or if you have a Jolie + water fetish.

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity?  No

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Kill the Irishman (2011)

The true story of Danny Greene, a tough Irish thug working for mobsters in Cleveland during the 1970's.

 
Rags to riches to jail to snitches to riches to death story of a Danny Green, an Irish orphan who became a mafia connected union king pin in the 70's. As most mobster biopics, this one starts slow but is filled with gun play and explosions. ALL the explosions.

Heem cahhn't beee keeled!

Oh, hey, almost forgot. Fat Val Kilmer (aka Val Eatmore) also stars in this flick. I Just thought you should know that.

Despite all the action, and explosions this movie bored me. And I'm a man who loves his "actsplosions"

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Machete (2011)

After being set-up and betrayed by the man who hired him to assassinate a Texas Senator, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.

After being set up and exiled from Mexico, former federale Machete is living as a day laborer in Texas. When a politician begins to campaign on an anti-immigrant platform, his Public Relations Manager decides to create an event that would make the voters sympathetic to his boss's cause. He hires Machete and fucked with the wrong Mexican as he sets out for revenge nearly just as soon as he discovers he's been set up. The rest of the movie is just that. Revenge, action,  blood, explosions, titty and for some odd reason, a white dude that believes he's Mexican, but is down for the cause.

Based on a trailer that was done for the GrindHouse movie, Machete is a lot of fun. After being in several movies as Machete, the character finally gets his own taste of the spotlight and in my opinion thoroughly delivers. Dude is completely bad ass and his interactions within the scope of the film are hilarious.

The sequel is coming out soon which is essentially why I'm writing this as somewhat of a refresher. I am excited about Machete Kills, I don't love everyone in the cast, but I trust Robert Rodriguez to sort it out. Shit I wasn't expecting Jeff Fahey or Don Johnson to be as good as they were in Machete. I have faith. Plus my man Marko Zaror is in the film and I've glowingly reviewed a film or two on this here blog.

I don't know what else to say about this movie. I'm assuming everyone has seen it by now. That's really no excuse for those who haven't. Anyway, here's a trailer for Machete Kills.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Tekken the Animated Movie (1997)

A wealthy mogul organizes a world fighting tournament on an offshore Chinese island. His hated son in search for vengeance and a pair of cops investigating the real reason for holding the tournament, secretly join the fighters.

A young woman, Jun Kazama, is sent to the The king of fighters tournament in order to  investigate Heihachi Mishima. Mishima is the sponsor of the tournament, and offers the winner 1 billion dollars if they can defeat him. Her plan is to use the contest as a cover to investigate him and his company's genetic misdeeds.

 

 Catching tomahawks with his teeth?!

 
In a flashback, we learn that because he believed that his son, Kazima, was weak, Heihachi Mishima, tossed him off a mountain. Claiming that he'd raise him if he could climb back out. His logic was that by throwing him into the canyon, it would piss him off so much so that he'd come back possessed by the demon and bring about the destruction of earth. Kinda like Sodom and Gomorrah, but without all the buttsex.

As Kazima puts it, he got out by selling his soul to the devil for revenge and will not rest until he has it. He's renounced all ties to the family and enters the tournament intending to kill his father. Heihachi expects him to win and when they face off, he gives him the 2 piece combo, extra spicy. Kazima looks like burger meat, but manages to taps into the negative energy and destroy him. When that power threatens to consume him, he's saved from his hatred by Jun and ultimately, the world is saved.

I'm admittedly not that familiar with the tekken universe, but am I supposed to turn down an anime based on a popular fighting game? Pfft. Plus there's blood, nudity and a boxing kangaroo! This movie is dope. It has everything. Including a cameo from Maximillion Pegasus, who for some reason out to kill Kazima and take over the family business.

 

Pegasus? What are you doing here? Hiding from Yu-Gi-Oh?.

Stray Quotage:

"Why are you so upset? Is it because your father threw you off that cliff?!"

      -Hilarious. I'm totally stealing that.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Surprisingly, yes.

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Safe (2012)

A former cage fighter's rescue of an abducted 12yr old girl pits them both against Triad gangs, the Russian Mafia and a bunch of corrupt cops.

Mei is an 11yr old Chinese genius who has been blessed with a photographic memory. She has been taken in by the Triad to be used as a counter, to make sure their money is correct in all their interests.

The Stath is a cage fighter who takes dives, hoping that taking a beating will absolve him from his sins. He rubs some people the wrong way and decides to go underground.

Their paths cross after the Stath sees her being pursued on a subway. He hops a train to save her and discovers that they have common enemies. Together, they team up to right wrongs and fight injustice.

 

Well, no, not really, but Safe is actually a pretty decent movie. It's a typical Statham action film that hits on all the usual points: fighting, car chases, shoot outs, etc. It works. I was pleasantly entertained. I feel robbed of a climatic battle at the end, but that was explained away with a pretty good joke.

It's not the best, but something to watch on a lazy day or if you're looking for something entertaining to watch with a female. (They love the Stath). My favorite part off the movie though, was this guy right here:

  You know he means that both ways.

The HAIC of the Triad is James Hong aka David Lo-Pan!!!!!  I love that guy.

Sidenote: Safe was Filmed on the subways and streets of NYC. Meaning that The Stath AND Lo-Pan was in N.Y. and no one told me?! You're all jerks.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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Kopps (2003)

When a small town police station is threatened with shutting down because of too little crime, the police realise that something has to be done...

A group of policemen are told that the lack of crime in their town doesn't justify keeping the station open and Headquarters has decided to close it in three months. In response, they kinda decide to look for and in certain cases create crime to boost their stats and prove they are needed. Eventually things blow up when they stage a kidnapping and the SWAT team shows up, kicking off a chain of events leading to them literally being caught with their pants down.

Kopps is ridiculous, but hilarious. It is like a cross between Reno 911 and Super Troopers that features outlandish fantasy sequences and a lot of awkward comedy.  It moves slow in the beginning, but there's comedy and everything picks up after the announcement. If you come across it, give it a shot. How else would you get to see this scene?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Director's Spotlight: Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks (born June 28, 1926) is an American film director,screenwriter, composer, lyricist, comedian, actor and producer. He is best known as a creator of broad film farces and comic parodies. His most well known films include The Producers, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, History of the World, Part I and Spaceballs.

Comedic. Genius. There will never be another like him. Not much more needs to be said.


His most famous films are listed above, but here are a few others that are definitely worth viewing.

Silent Movie (1976) 
A film director and his strange friends struggle to produce the first major silent feature film in forty years.

High Anxiety (1977)
After a Harvard psychiatrist takes over the Psycho-Neurotic Institute for the Very, Very Nervous, he realizes his predecessor died under suspicious circumstances. When events take a murderous turn, he is accused of the crime and left with a full blown case of High Anxiety.

Life Stinks (1991)
A filthy rich businessman bets a corporate rival that he can live on the streets of L.A. without the comforts of home or money, which proves to be tougher than he thought.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

Cary Elwes stars as Robin Hood, the dashing defender of the down-trodden, who along with his merry men and Maid Marion, resides in Sherwood Forest. There they have become together to fight against the seriously neurotic Prince John, the not quite-evil Sheriff of Rottingham, and the mad sorceress Latrine. 

Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)
A comic reinvention of the Bela Lugosi classic about a Transylvanian vampire who works his evil spell on a perplexed group of Londoners.

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Sushi Girl (2012)

Upon his release from prison, a thief is treated to dinner by his criminal cohorts, but the evening quickly devolves into a violent, bloody ambush.

Six years ago, Max Duke (yeaahh boy) organized a diamond heist. This was Fish's first and only heist with the crew. Things went wrong  after a traffic accident and Fish went to jail keeping his mouth shut and protecting everyone else. Unfortunately for him, the diamonds have gone missing and they think he knows where they are. Upon his release from prison, they organize a dinner party where they dig up the past and probe him for information.

 

In order to celebrate Fish's release from prison, Tony Todd organizes a Yakuza style dinner party. A Sushi platter is served on a woman and the closer you get to her erogenous zones, the more dangerous the food becomes. Including Fugu, the dangerous and poisonous Blowfish. Candyman did always have a flair for the dramatic.

 

Sushi Girl is a heist movie. After a botched diamond heist, one man takes the fall for the crew but is later hassled by them because they hadn't received their cut. (Since losing six years of his life didn't put any money in their pockets.) The point of the dinner is to tie up their loose ends and they resort to torture to try to get the whereabouts of the diamonds.

You know, I'm a sucker for almost any film starring Tony Todd. There's something about him that I just have to watch. You know what else this film offers? Noah Hatahway. Do you know who that is? Mother.Fucking. Atreyu. Child star of The Never Ending Story.

Mother.Fucking. Falcor!!!!

Cast wise? the movie is dope. Even Mark Hamill is in the film. He plays a live action joker!
Story wise? the movie is okay.  

Naked chick on a table wise? I love it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

****Killer Crabs: #3 on the Most Wanted List****

Killer crustaceans unleash their wrath and their sizeable claws on scientists sent to explore their habitat in this Roger Corman classic.

Fallout from the first H bomb test has reached the island and scientists have been sent there to research the effects of nuclear radiation on the island and it's inhabitants. The first crew has disappeared and a group of their colleagues show up on the island to both look for them and to finish their research. Shit gets real immediately as not 5 minutes into the movie the Giant Crab appears and takes a guy's head. The rest of the people on the island decide to stay although it just doesn't feel right to do so and although they are in a perpetual state of unease, they are scientists first and they need to see proof before they jump to conclusions. They get their proof and then some. Of course, one of the scientists knows exactly what's going on, but he remains tight lipped for as long as he can, until Crabzilla has rained his meaty claws down upon them.

There's a huge fun stupid thing about this movie. I want to spoil it because I know none of you will watch it, but shit man... I'm going to write it anyway. You probably won't even read this review:

The Crab Monsters are highly intelligent Crab-Humanoids created from the nuclear fallout of the testing of the first Hydrogen Bomb. They can speak and are homicidal, intending to kill and assimilate everyone in their path and eventually aim to conquer the world of man.

Do you understand what you just read? The crab can fucking talk! If it wasn't for the fact that the Crab was people...literally, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.

Attack of the Crab Monsters has to be watched with "1950s eyes" i.e. paranoid of nuclear everything and distrustful of Russians. It was probably bad at its time, but also scary because it hadn't been done and was completely plausible. The funny thing about it was that they were applying actual science to a movie about a giant killer crab. It's hilarious and one of the few scientifically accurate killer animal films. I shall found it funny that it ended just as abruptly as it started.

I'm determined to knock off every different killer animal movie I can and I had never seen a movie with a killer crab. Netflix just kinda dropped this in my lap. What was I supposed to do?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Magicians (2007)

A pair of rivaling stage magicians are forced to confront their falling out over a guillotine mishap when they compete in a magic competition.

Magic duo Karl and Harry were best friends and partners until Harry caught Karl and his wife together in a sword box.

Four years later, they are individually trying to get their lives together when Harry comes across across a flyer advertising a magic competition with a grand prize of 20k. He calls Karl suggesting that they enter it, but for purely business reasons as he still hates him and at the competition qualifiers, they break up again and decide to go at it solo. But by the end, all is made right and a good movie was made.

I don't want to give too much away, that's why the review is paced as such. Magicians is actually a pretty decent movie. A lighthearted comedy involving friendship, betrayal and of course, magic.

Violence? Marie Antoinette
Explosions? Of Magic
Nudity? The Booty. Man Butt!

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TMNT Collector's Edition (2009)

*****Flix's Picks 500th Post******

So I bought the TMNT 25th anniversary collection on Blu-Ray. For weeks I was looking at this collection, yet I couldn't commit to buying it.

 

Look at it. It's a pizza box, the discs are eaten pizzas (specifically their faves, including mushroom and anchovy), a beanie and two comics. Why would anyone hesitate to pick up this awesome set?

Simple. Included in this set was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time. A movie so bad that it took nearly 20 years to wash the taste from our mouths. TMNT 3 was the first time in my life, that I felt someone unzip, drop their trousers, and shit on my childhood.

So understandably, I grappled with the issue of whether or not to buy this set. For about a week I went back to the video store. I winked at the set, flirted a bit. But TMNT 3 was such a huge cop block*, that I never committed. Then I rationalized it using the Collectors Set guidelines I previously posted.

With a 3:1 good film to bad film ratio, the purchase is worth it. 4 turtle films + extras and only one is trash. 

So, if you can catch this on sale, pick it up. Not only will you get the four turtles movies on blu-ray, it includes a hat, a signed sketch, and trading cards. Plus, as a friend explained to me, you can always dump turtles in time or use it as a coaster and replace it with Turtles Forever. Which would really make your collection complete. Because Fuck Turtles in Time!

An alternative plan, as explained to me by one of my good friends that also hates TMNT 3, is to "buy the TMNT box set, get a copy of the greatest TMNT movie of all time [Turtles Forerver, for those keeping score at home] insert that into the collection and use TMNT 3 as a coaster or frisbee, or skeet shoot it. If we ignore it long enough, maybe it'll go away."

 You can read more of his opinions here.



*Cop = To buy

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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

 

 

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.

Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I.Joe team is terminated by the President's order, and the surviving team members face off again Zartan, his accomplices, and the world leaders he has under his influence. Since the last film, The Cobra Commander and Destro have been captured. Storm Shadow and Zoltan have escaped and Duke now commands the team with Roadblock as his #2. 

The United States government and specifically the office of the president has been compromised. Zartan, using nano technology has been posing as the president. He intends to break out the Cobra Commander and completely wipe out the Joes. He declares them enemies of the state and gives orders to have them eliminated. After suffering heavy losses in the nighttime raid, Roadblock, Flint, Snakeyes and Lady Jay are forced to go underground to get revenge, defeat Cobra and clear their names.

Here's what I didn't like about this movie: 

• The RZA. Why does It feel like you can't have a movie, involving any type of martial art and not include him? How is he the Joe's Kung-fu Grandmaster? The RZA sucks and this is just entirely too much RZA for me.
• According to this story, Storm Shadow was set up by Zartan when he was a child. But that would make Zartan significantly older than he is in the present day. That's ridiculous.
• After the Joes rescue the President, they claim there's no casualties, yet they killed every Secret Service agent on the way to get him.
• How exactly does Storm Shadow get a hold of a snake eyes suit?
• Bruce Willis. It feels like he was included only to give the film a solid "big name."
• Also, Storm Shadow gets redemption? No. Don't change him because you felt guilty for liking him in the first. Dude is a Ninja. Good or bad, you're supposed to like him. Ninjas are dope.

Here's what I did like:

• The chemistry between The Rock and Channing Tatum is crazy. I actually kinda hope they do a buddy cop movie in the future. Their banter was hilarious.
• The Rock himself is hilarious and the dude is huge. It's ridiculous how small pistols look in his hands.
• The Action and Visual effects are crazy and within 5 min you are aware that this is already a better film than that other crap.
• Boyd Crowder is in this movie! I'm excited. He's awesome.
• Titus Pullo aka Frank Castle has a meaty role. 
• There's a "Cobra uses red lasers" reference!
• Roadblock challenging Snake Eyes as the most badass character. 
• The extended ninja sequence, because ninjas are awesome.
• Bruce Willis. He was actually kind of a beast. 
• The events of the last film are never mentioned except to introduce us to the new cast and to reintroduce the Cobra Commander, who looks fantastic and is all about the slow motion intimidating walk. (He does nothing outside of that.)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a fun popcorn flick. Probably could have been better overall, but I wouldn't ask for more than what I got. Definitely better than Rise of Cobra and now maybe, hopefully, we can finally throw some flour on that wet turd, scoop it up and toss it from our memories.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? You would have thought this was a Michael Bay film.
Nudity? No.

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