Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

****Killer Crabs: #3 on the Most Wanted List****

Killer crustaceans unleash their wrath and their sizeable claws on scientists sent to explore their habitat in this Roger Corman classic.

Fallout from the first H bomb test has reached the island and scientists have been sent there to research the effects of nuclear radiation on the island and it's inhabitants. The first crew has disappeared and a group of their colleagues show up on the island to both look for them and to finish their research. Shit gets real immediately as not 5 minutes into the movie the Giant Crab appears and takes a guy's head. The rest of the people on the island decide to stay although it just doesn't feel right to do so and although they are in a perpetual state of unease, they are scientists first and they need to see proof before they jump to conclusions. They get their proof and then some. Of course, one of the scientists knows exactly what's going on, but he remains tight lipped for as long as he can, until Crabzilla has rained his meaty claws down upon them.

There's a huge fun stupid thing about this movie. I want to spoil it because I know none of you will watch it, but shit man... I'm going to write it anyway. You probably won't even read this review:

The Crab Monsters are highly intelligent Crab-Humanoids created from the nuclear fallout of the testing of the first Hydrogen Bomb. They can speak and are homicidal, intending to kill and assimilate everyone in their path and eventually aim to conquer the world of man.

Do you understand what you just read? The crab can fucking talk! If it wasn't for the fact that the Crab was people...literally, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.

Attack of the Crab Monsters has to be watched with "1950s eyes" i.e. paranoid of nuclear everything and distrustful of Russians. It was probably bad at its time, but also scary because it hadn't been done and was completely plausible. The funny thing about it was that they were applying actual science to a movie about a giant killer crab. It's hilarious and one of the few scientifically accurate killer animal films. I shall found it funny that it ended just as abruptly as it started.

I'm determined to knock off every different killer animal movie I can and I had never seen a movie with a killer crab. Netflix just kinda dropped this in my lap. What was I supposed to do?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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April Fools Day (1986)

A group of nine college students staying at a friend's remote island mansion begin to fall victim to an unseen murderer over the April Fool's day weekend.

What would an April Fool's Day movie be without any April Fool's Day pranks? Over the course of the weekend, the gang manages to gag each other back and forth, but when shit gets real, their attitudes change.

Prank#1: Two friends play with a knife and one stabs the other. 
Prank #2: Whoopie cushion
Prank #3: Chair with false legs.
Prank #4: Holes in drinking glass
Prank#5: Exploding cigar
Prank #6: Rigged sink that sprays water
Prank #7: loose doorknob
Prank #8: Crying baby on tape recorder
Prank #9: Rigged lamp (lights shifts around room)
Prank #10: Chair with false legs (redux)
Prank #11: A woman has her throat sliced

One of the teens is got and another two find his body floating by the boat House as they were about to get it on. Things pick up when they decide to go look for him, and another disappears. Muffy appears and sports an entire character shift that was done so well, I seriously thought that they had changed actresses in the middle of the film!


One of the girls volunteers to go to the well to fetch some water. Inside the well, she finds 2 severed heads and a whole body. Understandably she freaks out and the teens lock down the house until help arrives, but it turns out that the killer is already inside.

They assume it's Muffy based on her new demeanor, the suggestion from the constable to never be left alone with her and the dolls they've found in her room that oh so clearly represent them, in death. They immediately split up following that revelation, but somehow (improbably) don't die. At least not before discovering that Muffy may be an escaped mental patient. They find a boat and return to the house for the keys. There they discover the secret that makes the entire film worth it.

Plus there's this:

 The Octopus!

Seriously, how have I missed this film?

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Beth, a girl with a mysterious past, moves in with her new sorority. Due to a memory block, she doesn't remember that the sorority house was her childhood home. Her brother senses her presence in the house and attempts to reconnect. Violently.

A group of sorority girls are left to themselves for a weekend after the den mother goes off to travel. so they do what all unsupervised teens do, invite guys and have a party. When the guys show up, they reveal the myth behind the history of the house. It is treated like an urban legend, of course, but we all know what's going to happen.

For the past week, one of the girls, Beth, has been experiencing hallucinations and sees a man wielding a knife stalking her. As the days go on, her dreams become more intense. It is soon revealed that the man is real, has some type of mental connection to her and after he breaks free from the institution, he heads straight for her, with the intent to kill.

When all is said and done, we learn of a connection between the house, the killer and one of the girls...But not before the massacre.

Hmmm...A big ass knife + no minorities. Makes you wonder who gets killed first?

Sorority House Massacre is actually pretty dull. Not too much happens in this film until the end as there's a lot of exposition and setup. It's also quite confusing. (In terms of their actions). Dude is a beast when he starts the killing though, but almost all of that was negated by a girl who literally could not swing a shovel to save her life.

Skip it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Quick Hits #29

Flick's Quick Hits - Rapid fire reviews and thoughts on a few movies at once.

Featuring: Vampire Wars, See No Evil, Children of the Corn, Combustible Campus Guardress

	Vampire Wars (1991) - In this anime flick, a freelance "cop" works for the French authorities and investigates what appears to be an isolated case of vampirism. He discovers that the master vampire is after the blood of a starlet, who may or may not be human and he protects her for the rest of the flick. At one point, he gets into a fist fight with said vampire. Meh. If I wasn't up late, I probably would have skipped it.
	See No Evil aka Eye Scream Man (2006) - In this so bad its actually decent low-budget flick, criminal teens are terrorized by a maniac as they attempt to clean an abandoned hotel. WWE's Kane, (who is seriously a monster of a man,) stars as the maniac in this flick. Christina Vidal plays the token latina and sole reason to watch this dud.(unless you're a horror junkie.) Outside of Kane collecting eyeballs, there's nothing about this movie that sets it apart from others like it. Watch with company (and beer) as that always makes the bad times more enjoyable. Out of 10? 5
	Combustible Campus Guardress (1994) - In CCG, Demons are threatening to open the dark gate and take over the world. The only thing that can stop them are the High School students who are the guardians of that gate. CCG is an anime series that I would recommend to those who are into the genre. There's also plenty of humor and panty shots to lighten the mood but outside of that, I'd say pass. Its an older anime and thus lacks any of the visuals that you'd see nowadays.
	Children of the Corn (1984) -  Sadly light on the creepy children and we all know that creepy children can make (or break) a movie. We only saw them when they were directed to attack. Personally, anytime I hear of someone named either Isaac or Malachi, I keeps it moving. Unfortunately, (for them) our protagonists aren't me, and don't heed such an obvious warning. Best part: After knocking out one of the killer kids, it is asked "what do we do now?" The response, "Send her a get well card." As they laugh and walk away. Loved it. Those fucking Stephen King movies, they always fall apart in the end.

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Retro Review: Slumber Party Massacre - 1982

An eighteen-year-old high school girl is left at home by her parents and she decides to have a slumber party. There is friction between some of the invited guests and the new girl, who is better at basketball than they, so the new girl decides to stay at home (which is conveniently across the street from the host's house). Meanwhile, a murderer of five people with a propensity for power tools has escaped and is at large, and eventually makes his way to the party, where the guests begin experiencing an attrition problem, with only the new girl to help them.

The girls of Stanford High do everything together. They eat, compete and even comfort each other when need be. Tonight, they die together in this old school B-movie slasher flick.

Not much is known about our killer other than he's killed a few times before and he's currently on the run. Killer immediately strikes as his first victim is a telephone repair woman at the high school of our damsels.
The bitchy high schooler gets taken in accordance to Rule # 12 and our killer moves on to stalk the rest of his prey. Having no idea what's in store, the teens' plan for a slumber party remain unaltered. During the slumber party, strange noises abound, but the girls remain undeterred. The guys stumble upon the party just in time to see the girls change into their nightwear.

Hmm...That's nice right there. Real nice. Red Kool-Aid? Love it.

After (of course) forgetting to lock the back door our killer finally has a way into the house. Shit gets real fairly quickly, after the pizza guy shows up dead on the doorstep. Once the phone lines are cut, the teens realize that they're in for a shitty night. The two males hatch a plan to split up and seek help, incorrectly figuring that he can't kill them both and thus the girls are left alone. again. They huddle up in a room and barricade the door hoping to escape the lunatic, but the killer creeps in through an open window (of course) and manages to thin the numbers yet again.

Phallic Weaponry...

Valerie, the girl they purposely didn't invite becomes the unlikely savior as she senses something amiss and checks the place out while looking for her sister who intended to crash the event. After finding a body, she gets caught up in the drama and hides in the basement while hatching an escape plan. In the meanwhile, our final teen standing is cornered and our Killer begins a final monologue. before he can say "WTF!" He's being chased and killed by our now suddenly empowered machete wielding heroine. Like any slasher worth his salt, he re-animates but is then quickly put down for good.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? From the opening scene.

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Retro Review: The Bad Seed - 1956

Christine Penmark seems to have it all: a lovely home, a loving husband and the most "perfect" daughter in the world. But since childhood, Christine has suffered from the most terrible recurring nightmare. And her "perfect" daughter's accomplishments include lying, theft and possibly much, much worse. Only Christine knows the truth about her daughter and only Christine's father knows the truth about her nightmare.

Is it possible that children of serial killers can grow up to become one themselves? Maybe out skips a generation? This is the explanation the film toys with. Sins of the father essentially. Little Rhonda is so sweet and innocent...or is she? After a classmate dies on a school trip, the evidence seems to suggest that she had something to do with it. While defending her daughter, Rhonda's mother gets closer to the truth.

Such a kind mother...such a pretty mother

I'm just going to lay this out there: Rhonda is one evil little bitch. From her overly and aggressive sweet act to the remorseless and calculated way she goes about killing and manipulating others. Unsurprisingly, I loved every minute of it. What an awesome performance.


Trivia: The Hayes Code of Motion Pictures prevented release of films from having the bad guys win and it also prevented filmmakers from killing children on screen. So in order to comply, a final scene was added in which Rhonda is struck by lightning and "disappears". No body, no crime.


Violence? Yes though only occurring off screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Retro Review: Taking of pelham 123 - (1978)

Four armed men hijack a New York City subway train and demand 1 million dollars - which must be delivered in 1 hour - for the train and the lives of the passengers held hostage. Lt. Zachary Garber of the New York City Transit Police must contend with City Hall red tape, the unrelenting demands of the hijackers, and the ever-ticking clock in his efforts to save the passengers and bring the hijackers to justice.

In what is believed to be a near impossible scenario, a NYC train is hijacked and held for ransom. It helps that our bad guys tend to have a knowledge of the subway system and almost all NYPD security measures for such a situation.

Now, I've read somewhere that this is one of those movies "that you end early because you want to see the bad guys win" and it really is. You'll grow attached to the characters and by the end you'll wish you had ended it early. The "bad guys" earned their money for once.

The original Pelham is a lighthearted crime thriller that does not take itself too seriously. Chances are, it is probably better than both remakes (tv + film). Stay tuned, I'll get to them sooner or later...But probably much later.

Violence? At the end
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Retro Review: Revenge of the Ninja - 1983

After his family is killed in Japan by ninjas, Cho and his son Kane come to America to start a new life. He opens a doll shop but is unwittingly importing heroin in the dolls. When he finds out that his friend has betrayed him, Cho must prepare for the ultimate battle he has ever been involved in.

In the opening scene, ninjas slaughter Cho's family and then lay in wait get to him. Men, women, children. No one is spared. When he returns, he is pissed off and having no earthly ties, he shows them that they are no match for him. Wiping them all out near single handedly.

Sho Kasugi is the original ninja. Dude catches arrows with his teeth?!

At the request of his friend Brayden, he moves to America with his mother and son, who survived the attack. Cho makes it clear to his son that he has sealed his sword and renounced the way of the ninja. In the six years since he left Japan, he's become a partner with Brayden in a Japanese art gallery, but it turns out that his Brayden is using the museum to snuggle in heroin. After a deal goes bad, a masked ninja appears and uses ninja techniques to take out the associates of a crime lord. Soon after, the big bad orders his men to steal the dolls containing the heroin and that's how the story brings it's focus back to our ninja hero, Cho. After realizing that his friend was a backstabbing secret ninja, we learn the history of Brayden and find out that he lived in Japan for twenty years and trained as a ninja. Cho rationalizes that only a ninja can stop a ninja and seeking revenge for all that has been done, he unseals his sword and ninja gear, and sets out for a final ninja battle with the masked ninja.

The masked ninja is definitely impressive. Effectively using evil laughs, smoke pellets, fire, and body doubles to aid him in the fight. But after a lengthy rooftop battle, the masked ninja falls to our hero and good wins the day.

Violence? Ninja
Explosions? No
Nudity? One scene

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Retro Review: Conan The Barbarian - 1982

Sigh. This movie is beyond clunky

If you haven't seen this movie by now, all you need to understand is that the movie is about 2 hours too long. and in those two hours, you will see about 1hr of Ahnold wearing a loin cloth and fucking shit up, and about another hour of needless drama.

You know how I know he's a barbarian? Only barbarians would punch out camels.

I guess it was better in it's day, but I don't feel like it holds up well at all. The writing is ridiculous and there's an unnecessary amount of dialogue between action scenes and that forces this flick to get way too boring too quickly. At the time, Arnold wasn't good for talking. And let's face it, the movie was to showcase his awesome physique. So then why the long running time? Could he not have fucked shit up in 90minutes?

Anyway, with all that being said, I'm not going to rate the film. I realize that it was made in a different time. So it would be unfair to compare it to any more recent film, excluding the 2011 Remake. I might do that later.

Now, for no good reason, here's a pic of James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom. The Evil Snake Barbarian Warlord.

"James, we just came up with some new lines for yo- oh, nevermind." 

Violence? He's a fucking barbarian
Explosions? No
Nudity? The women of that time only believed in orgies and being topless when they weren't in an orgy.

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Retro Review: The Lawnmower Man - 1992

A simple man is turned into a genius through the application of computer science.

I remember when I first watched this flick. Mind. Blown. While it doesn't maintain the same level, after a few years, the movie is still surprisingly decent. Plus a beardless Jeff Fahey!!

The Lawnmower man, is about a man, Job, who is a church handy man/neighborhood lawnmower. With the help of virtual technology and serum, he goes from "simple" to "one of the smartest men on the planet with predictable dreams of world domination. All while a shadow agency manipulates things in the background because their aim is to produce a human super weapon/soldier.

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