Life After Beth (2014)

 

The Cast:

• Molly Shannon
• John C. Reilly
• Cheryl Hines
• That guy from Chronicle
• Aubrey Plaza
• A guy who appears to be Paul Reiser*

 

After his girlfriend suddenly dies via snake bite, Zach is devastated. About a week later, her family stops returning his calls and he heads to their house only to discover that Beth is alive and her family is keeping it secret.

After things calm down he is finally told what happened. "She was dead and now she's not." He resolves that she may or may not be a zombie, but he's so happy to have her back that quickly blinded to the truth.

Soon after, ALL of the town's dead have risen and a full blown zombie epidemic is upon the town.

-----------------------

Life After Beth is less horror and more black comedy, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. Despite a few plot holes and unexplained phenomena, it's still a pretty rock solid little film. My only real hang up was that I couldn't not see April Ludgate. I kept waiting for Andy to come in and save the day, but he's too busy playing with LEGO and saving the galaxy.  

Overall, It was a very mild zombie flick with a not so subtle message of "let go"  and "careful what you wish for." They also saw fit to throw in at least one pair of titties for guys like me.

*turns out that guy really WAS Paul Riser.

Line of the Film:

Zack: "Beth, you fucking ate a guy!"
Beth: "Duh, Zach. I'm a fucking zombie. Zombies eat guys!"

 

Violence? Yes but nothing crazy
Explosions? Of the Living Dead
Nudity? One scene

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Hell Baby (2013)

The Cast:

• The Watsons: The family dealing with demonic possession and pregnancy
• The Neighbor: lives in their crawlspace, often startles folks
• The cops: Just trying to get to the bottom of the matter and spread the Po'boy love
• The Priests:  Chain smoking, Po'boy eating, boob loving exorcists. Not your everyday priests.

The Situation: 

Expecting parents buy a home in an "up and coming" neighborhood, The Maison de Sangre aka the House of Blood. Not too long after the wife begins to act strange and out of character. While strange things begin to occur in and around the house.

Her husband slowly comes to realize that's his wife has been possessed and when he seeks help, two cigarette smoking, sunglass wearing priests sent from the Vatican, show up to investigate.

The Resolution: 

They were unable to prevent the demon baby from being born, but they were able to prevent it from spreading its evil and they found the time to enjoy some Po'Boys along the way.

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Hell Baby is not the funniest, but it definitely does have its moments. It's not like they were treding new ground, but they did make an effort to not use the same stale and worn out old jokes that's usually done in these films. A lot of the movie is actually played pretty straight with consistent laughs that are designed to enhance rather than derail the film into parody territory.

Whatever..I'm not sure any of you will, but I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters on this here blog.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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This Is The End (2013)

Wanted to see this movie when it dropped. Funds wasn't right just then. The stars have finally aligned. 

The Cast:

Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Craig Robinson, James Franco, Danny McBride star as themselves. Plus Tons of celebrity cameos including Rihanna, a coked up Michael Cera, and a fiery Emma Watson.

The Situation: 

Jay Baruchel comes to LA to visit Seth Rogen for the weekend. They go to James Franco's house for a party and not soon after earthquakes and the destruction of society as a whole. The guys hold up in the house, board up the windows and doors and try to wait it out. 

Jay floats out the idea that it's the rapture but that is shot down. Yet slowly reaffirmed.

Stray Quotage:

"This place is like a piece of me. You've just stepped in me.
Sweet, you let us come inside you."

"Sick reference, bro. Your references are always out of control."

"Just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside, doesn't mean we can't have fun."

"Is Michael Ceras butthole as cute as I pictured?"

"A huge earthquake comes, who do they rescue first? Actors."

"We're all actors. We pretend to be hard. We're soft. We're all as soft as baby shit."

This is the End is hilarious. I Thoroughly enjoyed it although I think it went on a bit longer than it should have, it was so well put together that I can't hold that against it. Granted I'm late to the party, but I really can't talk more about it because it's too easy to spoil. So go watch it. Then come back.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Machete Kills (2013)

I was kinda under the impression that Machete Kills was an unnecessary sequel with a huge overblown cast. But I like Robert Rodriguez and I generally trust his judgement. When this movie landed in my lap. How could I refuse?

After a, gun battle wipes out a bunch of soldiers and mercs, Machete is somehow ridiculously accused of killing everyone.  While the local PD are trying to hang him, he gets a pardon from President Carlos Estevez who tells him that the country needs him, as a dangerous revolutionary based in Mexico, has a missile pointed at Washington D.C. that will fire if the U.S.doesn't invade Mexico and take out the cartels. Since diplomacy dictates that the U.S.cannot get directly involved, his mission is to go into Mexico, check it out and kill him if need be. For his participation, he'll have his criminal record wiped clean and will be fully instated as an American citizen.

In Mexico, he learns that the missile is wired to the Revolutionary's heartbeat and it will fire if it stops beating. The only other way it can be disarmed, is if they go back to where it was made. (U.S.A.) and they have 24hrs to do so as he's it's been armed it.

Fighting his way back across the border, Machete feels he's on to something big...

Stray Quotage:

"Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United Fucking States, man."

"Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hair spray. It's part of my cover."

"Boss has a message for you Machete.  

[Kills passenger]

 End of message."

"You know what this is? This is the enema I plan to fire up the ass of the United States."

"Disarm it.
There's only two men who can disarm it.
[Gunshot]
Hah. Correction, one man."

"Now, if I don't shoot you square in the face, I would be violating a contractual obligation."

"You know what you are? Vengeance. You are vengeance and vengeance never dies. It just changes targets."

"For crying out loud, will one of you well paid, well trained gentlemen, please shoot that motherfucker!
[Gunshots]
Thank you!"

Robert Rodriguez is a talented filmmaker. It's amazing to me how he managed to actually utilize each members of the large cast without dragging down the film as a whole. I feel like the bulk of people were cast to get them the exposure they need to break into more mainstream films, and the inclusion of Lady Gaga and Sofia Vergara were more of a personal thing for Rodriguez, because as we all know, "it's good to be the king." I am definitely a fan of bad guy Mel Gibson. I enjoyed Get the Gringo, but Machete Kills is different. Dude just works as a villain and it seems like he's having more fun as a bad guy in general. Dude goes full on supervillain by the end of the film. 

Machete Kills is wild, action packed and full of stars who don't overstep their roles. The story is solid, the action is awesome, Machete himself is still a badass and and I'm kinda kicking myself for not watching sooner. There's an in film trailer for Machete Kills Again...In Space, which is supposed to be the third film in the series. This entire movie builds to that sequel and I'm actually looking forward to it, knowing that it will probably never get made.

Things Machete don't do:

• Smoke
• Tweet
• Joke
• Fail

Things Machete does do:

• Text
• Love everyone
• Kill

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? You know something, I didn't even notice. That's how well everything else worked.

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Movie 43 (2013)

Featuring some of the biggest talents in our industry today, and directed by the Farrelly Brothers, Movie 43 is a sketch comedy composed of many different segments. In the vein of The Kentucky Fried movie and The Onion Movie.

As with all movies of this type, some of the sketches are hit and miss and with others the joke runs on a bit too long. I applaud the effort but it's a different time and the charm of those movies is hard to replicate. That first scene though? Genius. Unfortunately, it gave me high expectations for the rest of the film which weren't met.

Movie 43 is about six or seven sketches including the one that introduces and ends the film. Overall, I expected it to be a little longer and a little funnier for what it was, but I'd say it's score averages out to 2.5 but the first scene + my generosity allows me to round up to 3.

Here are some trailers for comparison (since this review is seriously short):

Kentucky Fried Movie (1977):

The Onion Movie (2008):

Movie 43 (2013):

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Mild
Nudity? Happens

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Posse (1993)

A group of mostly black infantrymen return from the Spanish-American War with a cache of gold. They travel to the West where their leader searches for the men who lynched his father.

I watched Posse because I didn't think I had seen it. But I had. Just not from beginning to end. While the cast put on fine performances, I was still disappointed overall (I'm looking at you deebo). Posse was a decent film, it just didn't captivate me.

 Side Note: An ensemble film about negro cowboys and two of the most famous negro actors you could get at the time were Tone Loc and Big Daddy Kane? 

Also, Billy Zane dies in almost every movie he's in. Just sayin'

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Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Zeus is pissed that someone has stolen his lightning bolt. Since the brothers cannot steal each other's powers, he automatically believes that Poseidons son is the culprit. He gives Poseidon 14 days to return it, or he will declare war.

Percy Jackson is what he believes to be a normal high school teen who happens to suffer from dyslexia. He lives with his mom and deadbeat stepfather in an apartment in NYC.

Everything changes for him on a museum field trip. His teacher changes into a fury, his best friend is revealed as a guardian, and the tour guide was a keeper of a huge secret. Turns out that even his mother is in it. When they finally break it down for him, his mother reveals that he is a demigod. The son of Poseidon and a mortal.

Although he vehemently denies it, Everyone is after him because they have been led to believe that he has stolen Zeus' bolt. Hades kidnaps his mother and holds her for ransom. He intends to use the bolt to break out of his prison and rule Olympus. Percy basically decides "fuck that, I don't have the bolt anyway" and sets out to gain entry to hell to retrieve his mom. Along the way, he grows into his abilities, finds the bolt, the true culprit and reconciles with Poseidon. 

Sean Bean as an immortal? Unfathomable.

How did I miss this movie? The Lightning Thief is a pretty darn good movie. The visual effects are dope and the comedy breaks up the ridiculousness. I'm digging how they've taken Greek Mythology and blended it with present day society. (Olympus is accessed from the empire state building, the entrance to Hades is in Hollywood California, etc) and there's a fucking Minotaur.

What I didn't like was how they had about 10 days to find the bolt and 

1) Percy really didn't give a fuck about that. He was only in it to save his mom. (It basically landed in his lap)
2) they drove from NY to CA (with a stop inbetween in TN) and still had enough time left to lose 5 days in a drug induced haze.

Ridiculous.

Then they stole a Maserati (the logo is a trident) and Rosario Dawson showed up in a corset and I just about forgot my whole damn argument. 

 Oh. My. Zeus.

Check out the noticeables in the rest of the cast list: 

Brandon T. Jackson 
Sean Bean [Immortal]
Kevin McKidd [Rome!!!]
Steve Coogan [Rock Me Sexy Jesus!]
Melina Kanakaredes
Uma Thurman [The Bride]
Pierce Brosnan [The Bond]
Catherine Keener

Joe Pantoliano [Matrix!!!]

And no one mailed in their performance. Uma Thurman killed it as Medusa. 

Fuck it, I'm a sucker for Greek Mythology. Percy Jackson is the shit. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Faculty (1998)

Many teens think their teachers hail from another planet -- but what if it's true? Herrington High students notice that faculty members aren't quite themselves, and discover an alien infection they might not be able to stop.

The Faculty is actually a pretty good film. I've been trying to breakdown just why this film was successful though when from all accounts, it should have flopped. I realized that it sticks to a simple premise:

US vs Them. A timeless, classic concept. To make it stand out, Robert Rodriguez places it within the context of an Alien Invasion. Look at it this way, teens have always (illogically) battled their authority figures, only now, they have a solid reason for doing so. Their lives are literally at stake.
There's even a scene ripped off from The Thing, where they sit in a circle and try to determine who is infected. I can never be mad at a good homage. Plus "Titbags" is apparently an insult.

Anyway, everyone is in this film. Check out the cast list:

- Salma Hayek (So hot)
- Josh Hartnett (Squinty Mc Squintsalot)
- Clea DuVall (That Girl #1)
- Famke Jensen (Jean Grey)
- Bebe Neuwirth (Frasier's Wife)
- Robert Patrick (T-1000)
- Elijah Wood (Frodo!)
- John Stewart (Fuck Fox News!)
- Jordana Brewster (That Girl #2)
 - Christopher MacDonald (Shooter McGavin!)

Oh, and Usher is the token black guy AND he is acting tough because he's a football player. I want to punch his face. Just knowing that he is responsible for the White Plague (Bieber) is enough. No jury would convict me.

Final Thought(s):

Why oh why, do parasites always have to enter through the ear?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? A lil bit o' Booty

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Butter (2011)

When a gifted butter sculptor announces his retirement, his ambitious wife sees her hopes for future fame -- and the presidency -- melt away. She sets out to take up the mantle, but soon learns how cutthroat the world of pro butter sculpting can be.


[In this review the main character, Destiny, will be henceforth known as Butter.]

Butter carried herself well and had a presence. She actually seemed "wise beyond her years," As they say.

The cast list overall was surprising and both Alicia Silverstone and Jennifer Garner rose from the depths of celebrity oblivion to remind us that they still exist and are competent actors.

Oh hey, did I mention that Olivia Wilde plays a foul-mouthed stripper. Think about that for a second.
Wait. Fuck thinking. Here's a  pic.

 Besides the Heavy handed message, of the film, (believing in yourself/general optimism) Butter was actually a fun and charming. I don't think I'll ever get the appeal of butter artwork, but like they so readily admitted, "White people are weird."

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Piranha aka Piranha 3D (2010)

When an earthquake tears open the bottom of Lake Havasu, schools of carnivorous piranhas are released from their underwater lair, and the lake turns into a bloody, frenzied death trap for unwitting water-goers.

Spring Break in Arizona is threatened when a large school of Piranhas are unleashed after an earthquake. These particular piranhas are prehistoric and long thought extinct, yet the earthquake has apparently released them from their resting place and they appear to be headed right towards the party.

On a dive to the site of the seismic activity, a cavern containing many many piranha eggs are found. Once the search team is massacred, the threat becomes readily apparent to the sheriff, who has to now find a way to eliminate them.

Jerry O'Connell is the host of "Wild, Wild Girls," a girls gone wild type of video shoot that is responsible for the bulk of the titty. 

It doesn't take long before the first body is found, but the feeding frenzy doesn't begin until about 40 minutes left in the film. However, the wait is worth it and in the meanwhile, we're treated to tension building scenes, "Wild, Wild Girls" shoots and Spring Break with all the debauchery that entails.
Piranha is your typical, "drunken college kid orgy gets broken up by killer animal" film, which are good for blood, titty and death scenes. Having a bigger budget, we are treated to 3D, and piranha vision. That's about the extent of what this film adds to the genre. Yet it is still surprisingly enjoyable.

Adam Scott as an action hero?
Fish being tazed?
Piranhas coming out of people's mouths?
All of this plus titty?

Get the popcorn...and the beer.

 Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Expendables 2 (2012)

Mr. Church reunites the Expendables for what should be an easy paycheck, but when one of their men is murdered on the job, their quest for revenge puts them deep in enemy territory and up against an unexpected threat.

Mercenaries for hire are back and with Stallone owing 5million to Bruce Willis, he comes to collect in the form of a job. He tells Stallone he wants him and his crew to collect the contents of a safe from a crashed plane in China. Among the contents of the safe is the location of an abandoned Russian plutonium mine that he doesn't want to fall into the wrong hands. Bruce also insists they take a bad ass safe cracking Asian (who wasn't bad on the eyes) along with the mission. After they retrieve the map, they are ambushed by Van Damme and his #2, American Ninja Scott Adkins, who has plans to sell the plutonium worldwide. On their way out, they manage to kill one of Stallone's red-shirts, (badassly, I might add) and the stage is set for vengeance.


Expendables 2 is a guy flick. Nothing more, nothing less. There were a few scenes of unnecessary drama and I'm trying to remember if the first had as much drama as this one. I don't think it did, but I guess we can chalk up the drama scenes to being the calm before the storm.

The dialogue was once again choppy and cliched, but I really wasn't too worried about that. Why? Because I'm not in it for the dialogue and it's clear that neither were they. They were there to do reckless shit like throw missiles at helicopters, which was a feat I didn't think could be topped, until they used a running motorcycle to take one down.


Random thoughts (because I, have no where else to put them):

• Hey remember that scene in Conan where Arnold randomly punched out a camel? How about a scene where Dolph Lundgren randomly throws a chicken? Because that happened.
• Chuck Norris shows up, saves the crew AND manages to drop off a "Chuck Norris Fact" along the way. 
• Chuck Norris in this film for about 10 minutes total.
  
• I really do like VanDamme as a villain.
  The gun that Terry Crews used is ridiculous and I'm glad they brought it back from past one.
  
• I'm surprised they wrote out Jet Li so quickly, but i guess you don't need two Chinese characters on the team. 
• There are two dope kills in this film: A Helicopter decapitation and roundhouse knife to the heart.
  
• The climactic battle between Stallone and Van Damme is something we've been clamoring for hypothetically for years and it wasn't disappointing.
  

Expendables 2 is just an excuse to fuck shit up but with more stars of the older generation. It's a reason to show that they've still got it. I can't argue with that, but the slow dramatic scenes are behind them. Aint nobody got time for that.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Tales from the Crypt: Demon Night (1994)

A wanderer named Brayker has the last of seven keys that hold the power to eliminate evil and protect the world from darkness. The evil Collector, however, possesses the other six, and assembles a team of walking dead to take out Brayker.

After being chased down a highway, a man drifts into town looking to crash the night. On his hand are six symbols and a flickering seventh.  He attempts to hold up in a hotel for the night but is caught by the sheriff and a man who's been hunting him for a while.

Brayker, our drifter, explains the story of the keys and why they are all trapped in the hotel. There are seven in total and demons have six. They need all seven to bring back the darkness. With the key being handed down to him, it is now his duty to keep it out of demon hands, as the world depends on it. He also reveals that his other mission is to find the next worthy person and pass the key onto them.
Trying to keep everyone calm, he tells them that everything will be okay if they can survive the night. But with demons both inside and outside the building, their will and resolve are severely tested.

Overall, Demon Night is pretty good, but this dude makes the film enjoyable. The "Immortal" Billy Zane is awesome as he hams it up as the collector. Jada Pinkett also stars as well as a few other big names. Fans of the series should enjoy this film. Watching it almost makes me want to watch the tv show again. Man did I miss this intro.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Avengers (2012)

Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army.

Although I felt the film was not worth its hype, Avengers is still a good, solid movie that manages to be both entertaining and coherent. Once again, the Comedic moments help to bring levity to the film and it also tied into the other pictures without being to vague or confusing. The stars of the flick were easily Nick Fury, Iron Man and Captain America, but everyone got relatively equal screen time and hero moments. I wasn't expecting banner to be likable (considering his past history in film) and that was such a breath of fresh air. Scarlet Johansson tried her biggest to ruin it, but it survived.

Scarlett Johansson cannot act. She's terrible. If she wasn't hot, (ie: if she wasn't a redhead with big boobs) she'd still be bussing tables, waiting for her big break.

Now Let's talk Banner/Hulk for second. Everyone that has seen this film raves about the Hulk. He's big, he's green, he's angry, he smashes shit. It should have never taken three films to get it right, but this Hulk with the addition of an actual likable banner, was definitely an improvement. What I didn't like was the lazy and plot convenient writing. At one point, Banner Hulks out and wrecks anything that moves. The second time, when the team could use some smashing, Banner shows up and appears to be in full control. Not only that, but Hulk is actually a team player? I didn't get that.



It seems Marvel has a successful blueprint for their films. (Big Budget action, likable characters, comedy) and The Avengers is no different. It was action packed and even the slow parts moved pretty quick.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Best in show (2010)

This character driven mockumentary chronicles six couples who plan on entering their dogs into the mayflower dog show. Dog owners and lovers both compete in and watch the dog show and it's both their dream and mission to take the blue ribbon this year.


For some reason, this film is on many people's film recommendation list. While I won't say that it flat out sucked, I will say that I will never recommended this movie to people who aren't into dogs or aren't into competing in dog shows. Halfway through the film I realized that I was watching it just to watch it, and then i started to watch it just to get it over with.

Through everything, this much is clear: Fred Willard saves this film.

I figure that if i was involved in the wonderful world of dogs, I'd like the film better, But fuck it, I'm not.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? Of...Joy...?
Nudity? No

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Pretty Persuasion - 2005

Kimberly, a sophomore at a posh Beverly Hills high school, is obsessed with the idea of fame and popularity and will stop at nothing to get what she wants, with no thought for how her actions might affect others in her path. Kimberly and two friends decide to file a sexual harassment suit and incite chaos and a media frenzy when she accuses her drama teacher of sexual harassment.

Three high school girls decide to come forward with the accusation that one of their teachers has molested them. Throughout the film, there is an undercurrent that he is guilty of something yet at the same time, there's a sense that they are lying and making it up. Once the case goes to trial, the narrative jumps back and forth through time to give you an idea of what has actually transpired and  unsurprisingly, the film ends in devastation for the accusers, the accused and for many innocent bystanders.

Stray Quotage:

• I have respect for all races, but I'm really glad I was born white.
• I know all about the immigration experience. I'm from Canada.
• High School is all about cock-teasing girls, and those two, are on the honor roll.
• He said, 'Now I'm going to touch your boob'.
• Boob? Come on! I'm an English teacher, I would never say boob!
• What's the greatest thing about this country?
         Um, Sylvester Stallone?

Look out for an unexpected twist at the end of the film. 

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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