Oldboy (2014)

The Cast:

• Josh Brolin
• Elizabeth Olsen
• Christopher Moltisanti
• Sam Jackson
• Bond Villain 46

The Situation:

On the night of his daughter's 3rd birthday, a self-absorbed, alcoholic salesman finds himself abducted and awakens to find himself trapped in a hotel room. It is nearly 20 years later when he's released and he sets out to uncover the mystery of why he was imprisoned and by whom.

The Resolution:

If you've watched the original, you know how this turns out. If you're watching this for the first time, you, like our "hero," may not like what you discover.

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Oldboy (2014) is an American remake of the beloved Korean film OldBoy With a few deviations here and there, it played surprisingly close to the original. As this one was being directed by Spike Lee, I was expecting a completely different film,  but it really wasn't that bad. Of course the original is better, but this wasn't "A Spike Lee Joint." If that makes sense to anyone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Booty. Man Butt. Fleece Johnson would be proud....And aroused.

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Haunter (2013)

Putting a new spin on spooky, the haunted soul in this film--15 year old Lisa--is long dead, and the ghost she senses is a flesh-and-blood teen.

Our central character is Lisa Johnson, a typical suburban teen. Snotty, angsty, and pretty much apathetic. After her parents sit her down for a talk, she reveals to them that they are living in what appears to be a time loop. Of course they don't believe her, which also explains her attitude.

While doing the laundry, she appears to have seen a ghost and as the strange occurrences multiply, she believes the place to be haunted. As she starts to dig deeper into the mystery, Lisa makes contact with a living teen, Olivia, who begs for help as she's desperately trying to convince her family that the house isn't safe. Lisa then races to solve the mystery of the house before it claims another family.

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"In a twist, a dead girl finds herself haunted by the living."  What a great premise!  Think about it, what if the living are haunting the dead? How exactly would that play out? Definitely an interesting concept.

I thought the film was going to be a haunting from the ghosts' pov, with a "big"  reveal in the end, but they let on pretty early that Lisa was already dead. What we got instead was a murder mystery told from the side of a dead girl, who is trying to prevent history from repeating itself. 

Haunter is secretly entertaining and one of the better films to go into blind. I only have two gripes: 

1. When Lisa first thought she was being haunted, she immediately pulled out a Ouija board from her attic:

Why is it that when white people feel their place is haunted they go straight to the Ouija board. Do all white people have ouija boards on their houses? Is that a thing?

2. The house has claimed a number of victims through the years and they've all died seemingly in the same manner. The way they were portrayed though, each family lived the same way as well. The youngest child playing video games, the mother oblivious, the father turning and the oldest child not feeling good about the situation. It was weird, in the sense of, "just how much control does this house have?"

Outside of that, good movie. Very engaging and well put together.

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Odd Thomas (2013)

In a California desert town, a short-order cook with clairvoyant abilities encounters a mysterious man with a link to dark, threatening forces.

A man with clairvoyant abilities races to stop an evil. The problem with it is that he doesn't know the nature of the incident. The bulk of the film is Thomas, with the help of his super foxy girlfriend, Stormy, using his psychic and detective skills to try and uncover the mystery. The one thing he does know is that someone is going to bring a massive amount of death and misery to the town, and being the only secret psychic detective, he must to solve the case and save the town.

I can't remember when I heard about this, or what for that matter,  but I vaguely recall it being good things.

Odd Thomas is very similar in tone to John Dies at the End and if you couldn't tell from that review, I really liked that film. It's a fun little detective story that's unlike any of the previous ones we've seen and the chemistry between the cast is fantastic and one of the highlights of this film. Unfortunately, it seems to be one of the films that got caught in the 3D fad. The 3D is kinda weak, and while it doesn't ruin the film, it does take a bit away. Outside of that, I can't express how much I enjoyed the movie. The comedy works in the context of the film, as in it isn't too much or too little and the visuals are excellent as well. By the third act, I found myself really invested. Like emotionally. I like films like these; Witty dialogue, likable characters, cohesive story and everything fits together and all is tied up neatly by the end. 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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The Nameless (1999)

Five years after the grisly murder of a girl identified as her daughter, a woman receives a phone call from a girl claiming that she is her daughter and still alive.

A body is found and it has no identifying marks outside of a leg shorter than the other and a name bracelet found nearby. That is used by the cops to identify her and break the news to her parents, Claudia and Tomàs.

Randomly, she gets a call from someone claiming to be her daughter who says that they wanted her to think that she died and that they'd kill her if they knew that she phoned home. She instructs Claudia to go to the abandoned sanatorium. Once there, she finds a bunch of religious imagery and dead animals and gets convinced that something is up.

She calls former detective Massey as he was familiar with her case and together they dig deeper into the case and find a religious cult that calls themselves "Nameless" and they eventually locate their leader, Santini.

Cool Story, Bro.

Santini and The Nameless believe that Killing and brutally mutilating people creates more of an awareness or spiritual enlightenment.

Long, boring story cut short: I still don't really get the aim of the cult, nor the ending of the film and really hate ending a movie confused.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? One Very very quick, very, very brief flash of titty

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Sinister (2012)

 

A true-crime writer finds a cache of 8mm home movies films that suggest the murder he is currently researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s.

Ellison Oswald, is a selfish asshole and the two most logical people are his wife and the Deputy, who pretty much calls him an idiot to his face for moving there in the first place.

Allow me to explain why he's an asshole:

First of all, his name is Ellison. That's just ridiculous.

Second, he writes true crime fiction and to research and write his latest book, he's moved his family into the former home of The Stevensons, a family of 5 who were hung in the tree in their backyard and who's daughter had gone missing.

He knows damn well that he should never have moved into that house, and when his wife calls him out and explains just that but he's all about finishing his next book and looking towards the money and fame it comes with. She's like, "is it worth sacrificing your wife and kids?" And he's all, "Oh. It must be that time of the month. You're not seeing the bigger picture!"  

There's a scene in which his son contorts himself out of a box for fuck's sake! And he wanted to stay in the fucking house?! More importantly, when he left, he took that kid with him?!

Ridiculous.

Sinister fucking sucked. I don't know what I expected. Actually, no. That's a lie. This came from the same dudes that did Insidious and The Conjuring and I guess I had hyped myself up.

It felt disjointed or just not very well put together. Actually, no, it is well put together, there's just something missing. Shit, I figured out the ending within the first 10 min of the movie and I think that may have been the point where I lost interest.

 Ladies and Gentleman, The Big Bad a.k.a. Mr. Boogie a.k.a. Ba'Guul a.k.a. The Eater of Children.

Of course, my movie partner thoroughly enjoyed this (she likes crap) and was scared out of her wits. The fact that it scared somebody, is the only reason I'm giving it a two.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Too big to fail?

Q: What happens when you have a project soooo good, that everyone wants to be in on it?

A: You make it an ensemble movie, try to give everyone equal billing, and hope against hope that all of those actors mesh, and the plot is thick enough to support the extra weight.

Hollywood has taken this approach numerous times. Has it worked? Or Has it failed? The answer is yes to both. Personally, I'd say they fail more often than not, but that's a debate for another day.

Today, I'm just listing 10 ensemble flicks. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)

At the exclusive Crestview Academy, six students serving Saturday detention begin falling prey to a series of gruesome "accidents" at the school.

 
Six students, (the blonde, the rebel, the outsider, the token, the awkward nerd, the nerdy rich girl) are all serving detention for various offenses. The Outsider claims that the library has been haunted since the school took over Indian land and demolished it to build the library. She finally convinces them to have a seance and they place a bell there for the spirit to ring. It's all fun and games until it rings. Then shit gets real.

Ooh, just look at how bad those kids are. Those Hooligans!

Bad Kids go to Hell is the type of film that takes a few turns on it's way from A to B. Surprisingly, this actually helped. The story had to stay tight to pull that off and all loose ends were tied. I didn't really know what to expect as I went in blind. But after seeing the intro, I got hooked. Be warned though, there is some bullshit in the end, that had to happen for the ending to make sense, But it was really some bullshit.

Although it starts slow Bad Kids is a surprisingly entertaining film. I laughed fairly often, but it outright drags in some parts. If you like horror comedies, you may find this interesting.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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A Serbian Film (2010)

An aging porn star agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to make a clean break from the business, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia and necrophilia themed snuff film.

They say that a picture is worth 1000 words. And  honestly, there are no words that could accurately  describe this film and I don't even think that pictures can't do it. So I'm going with gifs. A Serbian film is wild, crazy, and all types of fucked up. These were my reactions while watching as told through the only person sassy enough to do so, Miss Jay Alexander:


I had heard that this film was crazy. So at first I was all:

Then I was like, I got this

Then it got bad:

Then it started to get out of hand:

And I'm all:

Then it got worse and I was like: 

He finally has enough and sets out for revenge:

Then it gets bad, again:

I did it, I made it to the end:

So I thought. But there was more:

Then that last scene had me all:

By the end credits, I was like:

Seriously, I've seen a lot of shit. But I've never seen anything like this and I don't think I'll ever watch it again. This film is beyond rough. Watch at your own peril. Shit gets real, and shit gets wild.

Violence? Sexual
Explosions? Of sex
Nudity? All movie.

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The Hidden Face (2011)

When his girlfriend vanishes, an orchestra director despairs-- then gradually moves on. But questions about the disappearance linger.

The hidden face is essentially a tale of a "love test" gone wrong told through three different characters.

Adrian is an orchestra conductor who may or may not have been involved with one of his violinists. Belen, his girlfriend, becomes suspicious and takes <i>Cosmo's advice</i> and decides to "test" his love, by pretending to leave him. This backfires when he moves on with his life and begins to date Fabiana, assuming Belen is gone for good.

Initially I felt this way towards the characters:

I want to feel bad for Belen but she fucked up. This is why we tell people to not play games.
I do feel bad for Fabiana. She's an innocent who had no idea what she was getting into.
I do feel bad for Adrian. He's thinking that the love of his life abandoned him and he fell into another relationship. He has no idea what's going on.

By the end of the film however, the three different parts revealed the whole story and my perceptions were all fucked up. No one is was innocent as they seemed.

Pro- tip: don't play games or "test" your significant other. That shit will always backfire. (pic)

The Hidden Face is a solid flick. An international pseudo mystery with a solid story and good characters.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Spanish films are so sensual and so free with the nudity.

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Session 9 (2001)

***An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review***

Tensions rise within an asbestos cleaning crew as they work in an abandoned mental hospital with a horrific past that seems to be coming back.

I've been meaning to watch this film for quite some time, I just can't get past David Caruso.

 An abandoned mental asylum cannot be taken down because of it's landmark status. The town is selling the renovation job to the highest bidder, who just happens to be Caruso and friend, Gordon, who promises to have it done in a week. As they get a tour of the facilities, Gordon starts hearing voices nearly immediately setting the stage for what's to come.

They get told the story of Mary and why the facility was closed then while cleaning one of the guys accidentally uncovers some old tapes of Mary's sessions and he inexplicably decides to stay behind and listen. As the cleanup goes on, so does the investigation into her past, with each tape ominously playing in the background.

Slow going in the beginning. Very slow. Things look like they start to pick up roughly half way into the film. But they don't. Things stay slow.

Session 9 is absolutely terrible. I don't see how this film is as popular as it is. Why and how could someone recommend this crap to anyone in good conscience is beyond me. There are some seriously sick people in this world.

Violence? Yes? No? The movie shifted between reality and mind games often.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Ragini MMS (2011)

The weekend getaway quickly changes gets as they find themselves in a house that had been rigged with cameras. The cameras that were meant to capture love-making are witness to something that is beyond the realm of human understanding.

As awesome as a weekend of lovemaking sounds, Bollywood movies are such a tease sexually that you should never expect any type of sexual contact.

Uday plans a weekend at a farm house with the intention of filming his sexcapades with Ragini. His plans are seemingly wrecked when her best friend, Piya, shows up with her boyfriend, Vishal, in toe.
Vishal tells Uday about the urban legend going around the town regarding the house. Supposedly a woman was killed by her family after being declared a witch, only to come back and kill them all. He then immediately walks down the darkest, creepiest hallway alone. To his credit though, when he freaked out, he had the proper reaction and left.

With them gone, Udays plan is back on track and he again tries to make it happen. After handcuffing Ragini to the bed and making some sexual moves, he is paranormally attacked. Freaked out, and in panic mode, he accidentally reveals a hidden camera and Regini discovers his plan to make a sex tape.

Cementing his scumbag status, he leaves her cuffed to the bed because he can't to be there anymore, and has to go. He's immediately tossed back into the house battered and bloody and accuses her of setting this up. He then quickly kills himself and leaves her to carry the movie on her own.
Digging around, she finds a bottle of vodka and decides there's nothing else to do but get acquainted with it. (Which is about the 2nd best response to this situation.) Turns out, vodka sucks. The lights go out again and she gets roughed up by the spirit. She finally frees herself of the cuffs and finds that escaping the house will be no easy task.

Pro Tip: never use sex cuffs. Sure there they're sexy and fun, but what happens when shit gets real and you don't have a key?

Ragini MMS is basically a two person film and Ragini and Uday are stuck carrying the load. They do a pretty good job, (especially as it becomes a one person film) but like an arranged marriage, there was no love. A lot of the film is done with a handheld camera. I think that's a first for a Bollywood production and part of what drew me to the film. I was curious as to how it would be handled. A Bollywood Paranormal Activity type of film? Would there be song and dance? Would there be a love story? I didn't know what to expect and I was a little excited.

Minus the intro, there are no songs and dances and there aren't any romantic moments. There is, however, a lot of paranormal activity (wink). A lot of stuff happens in the background of the film but attention is called to it so that nothing is missed by the viewer. When they finally bring the shit to the forefront, the film gets much better...Then it becomes Blair Witch and totally drags.

I feel like it was an awesome effort but one that could have been done better. On the bright side, this is a welcome change from the typical Bollywood film and it's increased my interest in the genre.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Oblivion (2013)

A veteran assigned to extract Earth's remaining resources begins to question what he knows about his mission and himself.

So apparently we fought a war against robots. We won, but in reality we lost because we used our nukes against them and wrecked the planet. The robots now mine the planet and destroy any remaining human. Except Tom Cruise, because Scientology is the one true religion.

Nothing happens for about half of the film, then Morgan Freeman finally shows up, (for 10 minutes) explains the plot and earns his freckle. His presence didn't help any as the movie was basically Tom Cruise making Tom Cruise faces and flying/walking around a desert for about 2hrs.

Oblivion is essentially a polished turd. Sure it looks pretty, but ultimately it is still shit. I won't go into specifics because I don't want to spoil it and judging from the crowds it has received at theaters, people want to see it. They have no idea what they're getting into though. It reached Avatarian levels of suck.

There are way too many bad things to say about this movie, but I'll try something positive: this movie will look fantastic in high definition.

There. Now don't waste your money or your time.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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April Fools Day (1986)

A group of nine college students staying at a friend's remote island mansion begin to fall victim to an unseen murderer over the April Fool's day weekend.

What would an April Fool's Day movie be without any April Fool's Day pranks? Over the course of the weekend, the gang manages to gag each other back and forth, but when shit gets real, their attitudes change.

Prank#1: Two friends play with a knife and one stabs the other. 
Prank #2: Whoopie cushion
Prank #3: Chair with false legs.
Prank #4: Holes in drinking glass
Prank#5: Exploding cigar
Prank #6: Rigged sink that sprays water
Prank #7: loose doorknob
Prank #8: Crying baby on tape recorder
Prank #9: Rigged lamp (lights shifts around room)
Prank #10: Chair with false legs (redux)
Prank #11: A woman has her throat sliced

One of the teens is got and another two find his body floating by the boat House as they were about to get it on. Things pick up when they decide to go look for him, and another disappears. Muffy appears and sports an entire character shift that was done so well, I seriously thought that they had changed actresses in the middle of the film!


One of the girls volunteers to go to the well to fetch some water. Inside the well, she finds 2 severed heads and a whole body. Understandably she freaks out and the teens lock down the house until help arrives, but it turns out that the killer is already inside.

They assume it's Muffy based on her new demeanor, the suggestion from the constable to never be left alone with her and the dolls they've found in her room that oh so clearly represent them, in death. They immediately split up following that revelation, but somehow (improbably) don't die. At least not before discovering that Muffy may be an escaped mental patient. They find a boat and return to the house for the keys. There they discover the secret that makes the entire film worth it.

Plus there's this:

 The Octopus!

Seriously, how have I missed this film?

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007)

Twenty years after minister Joseph Masterson and his family were slaughtered inside their home, noted ghost hunter Carter Simms is offered $5,000 to investigate the residual paranormal activity in the house -- with shocking results.

In 1982, a family was found murdered in their home. In 2002 a paranormal investigator Carter Simms, is offered $5,000 to spend a weekend at the house and investigate the reports of a haunting at the Masterson house. She was somehow killed and the movie was created using the notes from her journals. Before stepping into the house, she interviews both the home owner, Seth and the maid. Feeling Appropriately skeptical, she accepts the help of a small crew, (a writer, a camera guy, and a spiritual advocate) at the behest of the owner.

As they stay in the house, Carter determines that they spirits are in a time echo. Basically they are watching the spirits re-live their deaths. She gets into an argument with religious Mary, who refuses to believe that one of the ghosts was a murderer. Once Mary leaves, everything stops. She soon returns however, (mainly because this film needs a conclusion) and it's clear that she's the catalyst for the weekend's events. She eventually reveals the story behind the Mastersons and the murders.

Death of a Ghost Hunter is supposedly a recreation based on notes with studio filling in the gaps. It sounds original enough to get a pass from me, plus I found it interesting that they tell you what happens up front. From there it's just about waiting until it happens. The film drags in the meanwhile though and despite the terrible acting, I'm going to give it an extra half point for the Blair Witch reference.

Out of Ten? 4 + .5 = 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Midnight Meat Train (2008)

If I told you of a film called Midnight Meat Train, would you think that it's a Movie Title or Porn Title? Well, like Ricky Martin, it can go both ways, but ultimately, it is a mainstream movie title. One which received a wide release. (heh.)

The film is also notable for being the acting debut of Rampage Jackson. Although he did nothing more than pretend to be a tough guy while getting his ass handed to him. I think his only lines were "Oh, damn!" Which he said everytime he got his face punched in. Which was also fairly often.

The only reason I watched this film was because of the title/tag line. Soooo...yeah.

I'm not going to rate this film. I just want you to know that it exists. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

In this byzantine psychological thriller, working stiff Ian Stone finds himself trapped in a bizarre reality: Every day he dies a horrific death at the hands of a killer, only to be resurrected and murdered again. Can Ian get to the bottom of the mystery and break the recurring cycle of death and rebirth?

A young American in Britain is hunted by wraith like ghouls. The ghouls are parasites who feast on the fear of humans. They are called Harvestors and they can only be seen when they want to and they are hunting Ian as he shares some connection with them. Each time they kill him, he is transported to another reality, and each time he starts to remember his past, they kill him again.

Soon, he is "enlightened" by an older man who informs him of his situation. In each of his lives, he has one constant, Jennie, the love of his life. They are more connected than he realizes and he must protect her at all costs. Of course he doesn't believe at first, but after being killed twice more, he heeds his warnings. Once Ian regains his memories however, he is able to rid himself of his enemies and live peacefully with Jennie.

The Deaths of Ian Stone is at its heart a love story. A sci-fi/horror mix that is entertaining as well as cheesy. The special effects were well done and I'm a fan of Jaimie Murray.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Episode 50 (2011)

Focuses on two television crews of paranormal experts: one team of skeptics looking to de-bunk myths about ghosts and another consisting of believers looking to prove their existence. Teaming up for the first time for a special episode, the crews get more then they bargained for when they actually make contact with a spirit of tremendous power and must band together to stop it before it destroys them all.

At the behest of a dying billionaire, two teams of paranormal researchers are given the chance to investigate the West Virginia Lunatic Asylum. With the results, he intends to determine whether or not he goes to hell for his actions in life. One team is out to prove the supernatural and the other is there to disprove it.

 The united, the teams consist of a gay dude, a black guy, an Irishman, a psychic, an atheist and an overly religious dude. I think that's the horror film full house.

After a brief standoff, the two decide to work together and as the cameras are being set up, weird things begin to occur. The official investigation begins at midnight, so no one really pays attention.
Fairly quickly, The Believer team finds evidence that there is a poltergeist controlling things. They see it as their duty to save those trapped souls. The non believers, who by now have actually communicated with a ghost, are frantically trying to convince their leader that shit is real and they need to leave. When they do try to leave however,they find themselves trapped in the asylum as the believers have summoned the demon, who appears and kills their conduit.

Now, with the demon on the loose, the teams head to the site of the former State Penitentiary. There, they seek the portal that allowed the demon into this world and attempt to force it back.
Much like Series 7, this film is also framed as a reality tv show, but you know what i liked about Episode 50? It doesn't take too long for shit to get real. Audio/visual tricks (Images moving in backgrounds, Whispering, etc.) are part of the ambiance and they add a necessary but creepy vibe to the film. Like most films of this type, it starts to fall apart at the end. I almost expect it at this point, so I won't be too critical.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Detective Dee and The Mystery of the Phantom Flame (2010)

When unexplained spontaneous combustions kill a pair of dignitaries in 7th-century China, the nation's first female emperor, Wu Zetian calls upon the trusted Detective Dee to solve the mystery in this stylish action epic.

As the Empress has commanded, a sixty story high Buddah statue is to be erected for her coronation ceremony. Near the end of construction, people are literally bursting into flames. As the workers claim divine intervention, Empress Wu, gives an order to release the only one who can solve the case, Detective Dee, a man she imprisoned 8 years for opposing her reign.

I don't know what to make of this film. It was definitely different. I love a good mystery film, but it felt like it was dragging as the mystery was uncovered. I can't even say that I felt that attached to the characters. I started to watch it solely for the resolution.

The fight scenes were well done though.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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