Witching & Bitching (2013)

In this heist film turned horror-fest, a gang of thieves lands in a coven of witches who are preparing for an ancient ritual -- and need a sacrifice.

If I were trying to talk you into watching this film. I'd say: "Witching and Bitching is like a Spanish version of From Dusk til Dawn in that it starts as one gene and quickly transitions into something darker."

But that's where it ends. Witching & Bitching is a different beast. This shit showed up on my Netflix list and was a five star movie. It basically dared me to watch and I can't express exactly how much I enjoyed it. Tight, hilarious dialogue, committed characters, impressive set pieces and effects, slick direction, this film had it all and each piece kept things moving in the right direction quickly. It's over before you know it.

The only real drawback is the ending. But most movies these days write themselves into a hole so I can forgive that.

With all that said, Witching & Bitching earns a solid 5. It's an  enjoyable film that hits my "5 star" criteria:

• I'd watch it again
• I'm certain others would enjoy it
• I'd buy it.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Panhandler's Lament

Walking down the street on my way back to work, I'm stopped by a sullen looking young man. Since he now has my attention, he begins to tell me about how he's lost his wallet and he can't get home. In between that starting point and the end of his story, let me share with you what I learned about this man that day:

• It is hard for him to ask for money on the street (this is actually true for maybe the first few days/weeks)
• He feels that we have a kinship so he's more comfortable talking to me.
• He has a daughter with some type of debilitating disease
• He is a Christian
• He only needs $10 to get home
• He has a job
• He throws wild parties
• He has an iPhone (fully charged)
• He would rather ask for money than rob people. He used to be about that life though.
• He's sold drugs, but he's not about that life because he has a daughter.
• He and I could be cool people because I  don't judge and because if the aforementioned kinship.
• [He apparently has no friends that could help him out ]

I let him finish, then hit him with: "So here's the thing. All of that is well and dandy, but what is it that you want?"

This motherfucker says, "I know what I want, but I'm not expecting you to give me $300."

This motherfucker was out in these streets panhandling for $300. Trying to get a week's worth in one shot, I guess. I kinda gave him the side-eye and he quickly changes his tune to, "I'm saying even $100 would be good."

Really?

Well, I'd take a Ten...

Yeah...see. I just came back from lunch and I spent all my cash. I can't help you. You know what, I think I have a dollar. At this point, I blindly reached into my pocket and came up with a crisp $10 bill. Like fresh from the bank, crisp.

"Oh, hey, you have a ten right there."

Yeah...well we both know I'm not giving you a ten. Here's a dollar.

He had the nerve to look upset, as if I owed him money for the deception. Like he had never thought that one of the people he was trying to con would actually lie to him. At that point, I started to explain why his existence was flawed:

You already said you needed $10 to get home. I just gave you one. If you stop 9 more people, you can get home today. Also, why the fuck--no. You know what, you got a dollar. Good luck with the rest of your day.

"Alright thanks."

===============

I have no idea why these mofos stop me. I must have sucker written on my face. On top of that, I have no idea why I even entertain these sob stories. 

My two main questions were:

• Are we that bold as beggars to ask for $300 from random dudes you stop on the street? I appreciate the compliment (that I look like I have money) but really? What the fuck?!
• You have a fully charged iPhone. How about you call one of those other motherfuckers you party with and have them come get you?

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Maximum Conviction (2012)

Sent to mothball an old prison, a former black ops operative and his partner have their hands full when mercenaries arrive seeking two female inmates.

On the night of a prison transport, a highly trained extraction team runs into the buzzsaw that is Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Jamaican Slayin', Russian Bustin', Police Officer known as Steven Segal.

In case you don't get it, let me break this down further: this flick has Stone Cold Steve Austin--The Second Baddest Man on the Planet --and his sole existence is to lead his team through the chaos and clear a path so that Segal can do his thing.

No bullshit, Maximum Conviction is one of the best popcorn flicks I've seen in quite sometime and I have no idea why I waited so long to watch it. Again, this is popcorn. You don't have to think, just sit back and enjoy. Everything that you expect from this flick is there, quips, one liners, shootouts and just when you thought it wouldn't happen, some mofo gets his arm irreparably broken.

Full disclosure, I'm giving it a three here and a four on Netflix. Nobody reads this blog or cares, but I'm fully aware of what the movie was and it's real value, and I am trying to keep some consistency on this site at least. Also, as far as Netflix it's concerned, I can never get enough of that Pudgy American Samurai.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Happy Faced Hobo

So I'm on the train the other day

And there's a guy sitting across from me, kinda sitting and laughing and generally being what appears to be a genuinely happy, possibly inebriated hobo. Hew wasn't a hobo though, just one of those, "let me tell you about this hear thing..." older guys.

Anyway, I sit across grub the dude and the first thing out his mouth is: 

"You look like you're from the south. Are you from the south or are you Caribbean?"
 

Well, if I have to be from either of those places, I guess I'd say I'm from the south.

What's that? Did you say Georgia?!  Haha I knew it. Those Caribbeans are *makes thumbs down motion.*

Do you like Luther? And Ron Isley?

Umm, sure.

Haha. I know it. Luther is my dude. You've got to like Ron Isley. You're more blues than gospel aren't you?

Sure

Blues first, gospel second. Ron Isley above all.

*I'm thinking, man this guy sure does love him some Ron Isley*

Why do you like Ron Isley?

Um, Why not?

Ahhahaha you're hilarious. I'm stealing that answer. I love it. Why not? hahahaaahha

At this point, a dark skinned Caribbean woman gets on and sits next to him. Hew immediately asks her if she's married and when she says yes, he tells her to tell me. Not 5 seconds after dude has his hand to his mouth talking about how he'd never marry a Caribbean and how good the pussy is.

Another female walls by and he asks if she's married. She kinda ignores him so he's like, well you should be. You want to marry me? Hahaha.

He starts to ask the guy next to him questions, but that guy is a tourist so he's eating this up. He turns his attention back to me:

They say I got a big one. Haha. That's what all the ladies tell me.

Well why are you telling me? Tell them (motions to two other women sitting to my left)

Man I ain't taking about no snowflakes! I'm talking about ho-mo-sexuals. Transexuals, shemales and ALL that.

Ah ok.

Hahahaha you're hilarious.

These mofos treating me like I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. Jesus looks out for me. He told me exactly what I need to do. I listen him when he speaks.

Ah ok.

"Hey, don't look over here!," he said to the woman that ignored his marriage proposal earlier. She don't want to hear me, but she hear Jesus and she's all in my conversation. Haha look at her now. Haha you are a funny guy.

Ah ok. Cool. You have a good night

#################

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Best Night Ever (2013)

 

With her sister and pals in tow, a bride to be heads to her bachelorette bash in Las Vegas where the women's exploits land then in raunchy territory.

I saw a trailer for this film a while back. It looked funny but I didn't think it was worth a download so I kept it moving. I'm  man enough to admit when I'm wrong. Best Night Ever is fucking hilarious. It's basically a raunchy bachelor party movie, but with females. 

You've both seen this movie before and you haven't. It doesn't exactly tread new ground, but once you watch it, you'll see what I mean. The only real drawback to this film was learning that it was written by Seltzer and Friedberg, better known as the two guys behind that rash of horrible spoof movies that effectively killed the genre. Had I known they were involved, I would have skipped it like three times over. But I actually enjoyed it so, what do I know?

So, the score? I think it's hilarious, but idk if I'd watch it again and I certainly don't know that I'd laugh the same if I did. Factoring that in, and including my original enjoyment, I have to go with:

Violence? Mild
Explosions? That happened
Nudity? Technically yes, but you won't like it.

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Facepalm. Facepalm. Catch the fever now...

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Dragonball: Battle of Gods (2014)

As in every DBZ feature, the Earth is either threatened or under attack and Goku sets out to save us. This time, our villain is Beerus, the God of Destruction. Awakened from a 39yr slumber, he seeks out a fight with a Super Sayan God. Not finding a worthy challenge among the remaining Sayans, and after defeating ALL of the Z-Fighters, he decides to destroy Earth. Goku, champion fighter and savior of Earth, learns that in order to have the strength to challenge pyrrus he must become a god himself. 

Goku vs Beerus is one of the best fights they have animated. Not because of the action, but because of the story development. Goku's been humbled by a stronger fighter and realizes that he cannot win without using power borrowed from his friends, and he hates every minute, lamenting that the God form is something that he'll never be able to achieve on his own. He's vulnerable. I can't remember the last time that's happened.

Anyway, I had been looking forward to watching this flick ever since it was announced and admittedly, I could be biased by nostalgia, but I feel that Battle of Gods Lived up to its hype. I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. The humor, the fights all the references and cameos. All of it. It also summed up the events of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z so that new viewers could jump right into this story.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Who's on first?...making copies...

Hey, do you know how to turn on the Xerox?

Which?

The Xerox copier.

Yes. Which one?

I powered it down to clear some job, but I can't turn it back on.

I don't know which Xerox though.

The Xerox. It's around here *points*

Sigh. Okay, I'll just follow you.


------------------------------------------------------------------

I work with winners.

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One Phone, Two Phone. Old Phone, New Phone.

So, they hired an Office Manager, (let's call her Layla) and since they hadn't decided on a place for her to sit, she sat at the Reception desk. (Later we learned that that would be where the office manager would sit from then on, but that's another story.)

At the reception desk, there is a console phone. Console phones are better known as reception phones and they can hold somewhere between 30 and 40 lines. Because no one knows how things actually work, and because Layla refused to use it, they set up a separate 16 button handset beside the console. Her logic being, "I'm not a receptionist, and I won't be answering the phones like one."

Here's why I'm writing this story, every call that has come in to that phone, she has answered and transferred to the appropriate person. So now there are two phones on that desk that serve the same purpose, all because she refuses to learn how to use them and or the company refuses to do away with tradition.

Update:  The new Office Manager has spearheaded a campaign to get rid of the traditional phone and use the smaller handset. Partly because she doesn't want to use it and learn how, partly because it just takes up space on the desk.

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You Can't Choose Your Parents...

So I was on the train the other day…

…and I hear this woman yelling. She’s screaming at someone telling them to “Shut the fuck up” and something along the lines of “Who do you think you are?” I had the music going so I didn’t notice at first, but when I heard, “I’ll fuck you up” along with more screaming, I turned to see who she could be yelling at and it turned out to be a little boy. Seriously, a small child who could not have been older than 5. She continued laying into this child without mercy and at one point, she even called him an asshole and made sure that he was aware that it was she who was the parent, and not him.

Honestly, it was crazy, and by the time the whole scene had ended, one man summed up the event with a shrug and said, “Some people just shouldn’t be parents.”

It is kinda hard to disagree with that.

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You Don't Know Crack

So I was on the train the other day...

...and a homeless man got on and began asking for change. Two men were talking and when one of the guys saw the hobo, they had the following conversation:

Man #1: "Man, I would never give that man money. He's a crackhead."
Man #2: "How do you know that?"
Man #1: I saw him coming out of a Crack House the other day
Man #2: How do you know it was a Crack House?
Man #1: ...(Silence)

That's exactly what I was thinking..."How do you know it was a Crack House? and why aren't you answering?"

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Rampage: Capital Punishment (2014)

A man takes over a TV station and holds a number of hostages as a political platform to awaken humanity, instead of money.

The Cast:

• Little Bill Williamson
• Ted from Hey Dude
• The Best Damn News Team Ever
• Inept cops
• Civilian Canon fodder

The Situation:

3 years after the events of the first film, Bill Williamson has returned, this time taking control of a local news station in the next stage of his anarchist agenda. He basically wants to Purge the 1% and is imploring people to help him rid the world of the corrupt rich and save the world. 

Sandwiched in between is his slaughter if the 99% which basically amounts to population control.

The Resolution:

People are killed, stuff is blown up and the highly implausible adventures of Little Billy Williamson continue.

------------------------------------------

Line of the film: "What I've done in the past and what I'm doing today, is because there is no gun control."

I can't decide I whether that line is funny or sad, but it rings true either way. 

You've probably never heard of either, but if you're in the mood for a popcorn flick that's just randomly destructive, look no further. The Rampage Series is what postal should have been, --someone going crazy and shooting things-- but it's better as it's own film. Specifically, what sets it apart are the high production values and the obscene amount of destruction caused by one man. In the first film, dude nearly layed waste to an entire town. Capital Punishment, though, is a lot more talky than the first but the story is roughly the same.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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I Didn't Ask For It, I Don't Need It, But If It Doesn't Work, I'll Raise Hell

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