The Miami Connection (1987)

The Miami Connection has got to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've seen in a while. I honestly miss movies like these. 

The premise is simple, there's a  Japanese biker gang who are bikers by day and ninjas by night. The biker ninjas are trying to control Miami in order to further their drug trade and other nefarious activities. The only thing stopping them from achieving total supremacy is a band of musicians known as DragonSound. They are all orphans, best friends and black belts in taekwondo,  capable of wrecking shop if pushed.

After a few minor squabbles with a band that used to perform at their club, DragonSound are pushed into a direct blood feud with the Miami Ninja after a member is killed in an ambush. 

 Cocaine!!!!

The movie is bad. No one is claiming it's good. This is, the music is dope. I could see myself buying the soundtrack (if bugging things were still in fashion) If nothing else, I'd watch it again just for that. Also the concept of a biker gang by day, killer Ninja squad by night is hilarious. And they have their own theme song! This movie is so 80s.    

 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of sound and karate
Nudity? Titty does make an appearance, but really, beggars can't be choosers I guess.

Read More

Thankskilling 3 (2012)

Hot on the heels of surprise cult hit  Thankskilling, comes Thankskilling 3 with the return of Turkey, the serial killing Turkey. Thankskilling is not a movie you expect to be good. You know it's bad, beyond terrible even, but that's part of the charm. You're just going along for the ride.

 

The Cast:

Turkey
Uncle Donny
Yomi
Randa Space Worm
Muffy
The Pluckmaster 1 self plucking and roasting oven.

The Situation:

While sitting at home with his family, Turkey is watching the news when he hears the news that Thankskilling 2, was named the worst movie ever made and all copies except for one have been destroyed. Turkey sets out to get the final copy as he inserted bits of an ancient curse into it and that would cast everyone who watched it under his spell and cause them to die a horrible lonely death. 

The heroes, Uncle Donny, Yomi, Ronda Worm and Muffy discover the truth about the film and learn that the last copy must be destroyed in space in order to break his curse. Turkey would very much like to destroy humanity and attempts to kill everyone that gets in the way of his plans. 

The fate of the world is directly tied to the last remaining copy of Thankskilling 2 aka "In space, no one can hear you baste."

The Resolution: 

Turkey is defeated and the world is saved. The heroes get their happy ending, but Turkey can never be killed. 

(((((((())))))))))(((((((((()))))))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))

Thankskilling 3 lacks the charm of the first film. I feel that while it's enjoyable, the film drags and it's apparent that they tried to outdo their original. Hitting on some parts and wildly missing on others.

Besides being a bit longer than it needs to be, it's pretty much an excuse to be as ridiculous and as offensive as possible and only people who have liked the first could possibly like the second --and even then that goodwill may be stretched-- but it is so absolutely ridiculous that it becomes enjoyable.

Stray Quotage:

• Nice tits, bitch...in space!
• Your movie was worse than that toilet paper commercial that actually shows people wiping their asses.
• I'm not mean, I'm nasty.
• I got glaucoma. I've got a glock, you've got a coma. I can't see shit.

 For the record, there is not and never was a Thankskilling 2, but here's another Thankskilling 3 poster:

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? First Scene

Read More

Dinosaur Island (1994)

For some odd reason, Dinosaur Island is known as a cult classic. I can kinda see how and why, but really, although it has its moments, it's not an endearing film.  Everyone loves it for some reason though. Maybe it's the women. Who watches these for anything but the nubile buxom women?

The Cast:

US Army Rangers

Supple Amazons
Lesser Dinosaurs
The Great One a.k.a. A badly animated Trex

The Situation:

While a group of rangers are flying over an island, their plane suffers a mechanical failure and crashes into the ocean. They were able to raft to the nearest island, which they discover is uncharted and through exploration find that it's home to a tribe of Amazonian women and a slew of terrifying dinosaurs.

The women think they are Gods as one of the guys bears the mark of their prophesied savoir. Legend says Gods will fall from the sky, save the island from famine and go Six on one with "The Great One." As they head off to face him down, they discover that it is NOT The Rock, but a terrifying T-Rex and the job won't be as easy as they thought. 

I spent waaayy too much time making this.

The Resolution:

Dynamite to the mouth. Boom. Head off.
The island is saved, the famine is ended, the guys are hailed as heroes and the Amazons will have meat for days.

 

Stray Quotage:

She had [motions breasts]
Hands?
No!
She didn't have hands? Gross!

Men are brainless beasts.
Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will never hurt us.

We have sticks! And stones! Yeah let's break some bones!"

We're soldiers. Like your warriors.
Impossible! You're too small and fleshy to be warriors...Even men.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Uh, Yeah. Wanton nudity is the only reason these films exist.

Read More

Pumpkinhead (1988)

A man conjures up a gigantic vengeance demon called Pumpkinhead to destroy the teenagers who accidentally killed his son.

The Cast:

• Ed Harley, A small town man/shopowner who once saw Pumpkinhead.
• Billy, precocious youth. His death gets the ball rolling.
• A group of teens, 3 guys and 3 girls including Joel, the tough guy who kills Billy and is currently keeping everyone hostage in fear of a jail sentence
• Bunt, a local hillybilly
• A witch. Haggis, who clearly looks like she's been at this for a while. Likes to repeat her sentences for emphasis.
• Gypsy, the dog. Stupid dog.

The Situation:

A group of city kids drive into town looking to spend time in a nearby cabin for the summer. Along the way, they stop at a general store owned by a man and his young son. There they hear the legend of pumpkinhead from some of the locals. Understandably shook, they make plans to leave when they get into an impromptu dirtbike race and hit and kill Billy, the owner's son who ran out there chasing Gypsy.

Pissed that they killed his only son and enraged that they left him to die, Harley immediately looks for help from Haggis a local woman with supposed powers. She tells him that she can't raise the dead but she can grant his vengeance. She helps him to raise/summon Pumpkinhead, who she explains is a demon of pure vengeance.

She then tells him to go as it has begun.
One by one the kids are picked off and taken out right in front of each other. Pumpkinhead has no mercy. Man, those kids are fucked.

The Escape:

Local hillbilly, Bunt, determined to find out whether the legend is real or not, sneaks out of his place, fills them in on the legend and helps the remaining teens. 

Harley, determining that shit had gotten too real, has a change of heart and joins the group in stopping pumpkinhead and saving their lives.

 

Pumpkinhead is a cult classic horror film that doesn't get mentioned in the same breath as the heavyweights, but is still decent nonetheless. It is deliberately slow, which helps build the tension but it's relatively tame as far as horror flicks go. I had never seen the original but I knew of it. What better time to watch it than October?

The dialogue is, of course, pretty bad, but we don't watch these for dialogue. The creature design is absolutely terrible. It's like a lightskinned alien humanoid and it hurts to know that this was the final design.

Stray Quotage:

"The kid's father just showed up and he took the kid away. I think everything is gonna be fine."

"That old woman scares the piss out of me."

"It only kills what it was called upon to kill. That and whatever gets in its way."

I think Pumpkinhead is due for a remake. It's been long enough and we'll probably get there soon. Hollywood is starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel for ideas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of death
Nudity? No

Read More

The Collection (2012)

After escaping the dungeon of a serial killer, a man is forced to return to the house of horrors to help save a woman right in the killer's clutches.

After a quick recap of the events of the first film, and more importantly the killer's habits, we get right down to business. In all of his killings, he always takes one person alive, was never caught and the town is in fear as he has continued his activities.

Young Miley [Elena] and her two friends head out to the club after her boyfriend bails. As she dips into the bathroom for a quick wank and cry, The Collector appears and lays waste to the club. In the chaos, a man, Arkin O'Brien escapes from a lock box. The Collector grabs Elena in his place, since she was unfortunate enough to be in the club and fortunate enough to be in the bathroom when shit got real. Her father, wealthy golfer Shooter McGavin, is a man of considerable means and he sends her guardian luciello to retrieve her. Arkin agrees to lead the team to The Collector's base of operations, but he refuses to go inside. Spoiler alert: He goes inside and once there has to fight his way out. Shit gets crazy.

They sent in a crew to rescue her, not knowing that she was a strong 

independent woman who don't need no man.

So, The Collection is a sequel to The Collector. An overlooked (solid) horror film that dropped in 2009 from what I've been told. As much as I would like to see it, I haven't been able to, so I've decided to go in blind and what do I get in the first scene? Shooter McGavin. Yes, Christopher McDonald makes an appearance and brightens my day. Followed by Bubbles from The Wire. With a Mohawk. Amazing.

The real star of the film is the collector and his very elaborate death traps. This dude commits what has to be the single most amount of people killed in one act by one person. It was practically one man genocide and has definitely made the My Favorite Kills list. The dude is also a master of hand to hand combat, mechanical engineering, guns and has two bad ass dobermans.

 

Who is your daddy and what does he do?

The Collection is fantastic and I'm looking forward to watching the first. It's not a five star film, but it is definitely solid and is only hampered by a few stupid character decisions. I'm biased because I'm a fan of the genre, but it's my blog sooo whatever.

Trailer: 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes but brief.

Read More

Altered (2006)

 

Fifteen years after the horrific alien abduction of their friends at a Florida farm, four survivors face their enemy and seek revenge.

A group of guys are hunting some life-form in a forest. They somehow manage to catch it and transport it to their friend Wyatt's place. Wyatt is a paranoid recluse who keeps a well armored home in the case of an alien attack. They reveal to Wyatt that they've been hunting the aliens for revenge for years before they caught this one, but he tells them to return it because if they kill it, they will be fucked as it's friends will come for all of them. They intend to return the alien in the morning, but are forced to survive the night as they find out that it has reached out to its people and they're coming. 

 Shit gets real once E.T. gets off the table.

Altered was on the queue for a while, but I didn't really care much for watching it. I heard somewhere that it was good, so I figured that I might as well give it a shot, and I went in with low expectations. Holy shit was it good and much better than I anticipated. It's a goddamn redneck horror story that's tight, well acted, and more importantly, practical. (The characters acted as they ideally would have in their situation.) With a bigger budget, It probably would have been better but it did the most with what it had. I'd say it damn near knocked it out of the park. (For a low budget sci-fi flick).

 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell (1987)

This collection cherry-picks trailers, forgotten scenes and poster art from 47 gooey oldies, including Bay of Blood and The Blood Spattered Bride.

Previews From Hell is the type of film that only works if you consider yourself a film buff and or if you like old school exploitation horror flicks. It's actually pretty straightforward. Trailers, clips and nothing more. You knew what you're getting into the minute you watch this film. Look at it as a way to be introduced to a lot of the older exploitation and cult flicks of the horror genre.

The original trailers for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Night of the Living Dead. Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS and The Last House on the Left are included and while I hadn't heard of a lot of the other films, I can't say that I'm not interested. Blood Gore tits. They have it all. And that's all I want. Plus as I've mentioned somewhere else on this blog, I like to know where these films cane from; a bit of the history and culture.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Eh
Nudity? Yes

Read More

The ABCs of Death (2012)

I'm this audacious anthology film, 26 masters of horror work their way down the alphabet with terrifying, humorous and poignant takes about death.

Anthology films are usually just alright overall. Some good segments, some bad. This one has 26. The premise behind it is that 26 directors chose a letter from the alphabet and a word that began with it. Then created a short tale relating to it.  They really are short stories though and the bulk of them were international. Full creative freedom was given and they definitely took advantage of that.

The titles are displayed after the short, but you can generally guess the name by its content. I wasn't planning on reviewing each one individually just pointing out a few here and there.

B is for Bigfoot sucks but provides our first titty.
C is for Cycle is mindfucky and actually pretty interesting.
D is for Dogfight is wild. You kind of have to see it to believe.

On the other end,

P is for Pressure is rough. Sad.
S is for Speed is decent.
V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby). Considering everything that came before it, this was nothing that I expected.
W is for WTF is actually very tongue in cheek, and one of the better entries because it includes my favorite concept: clown zombies

At a little over two hours, I feel like the bulk of the tales in the ABCs of Death were mediocre and didn't really stand out.  There were maybe one or two more on top of those I've mentioned, but not many more. Watching the whole thing is almost worth it for F, N W and Z alone, but all in all it was pretty average. Inexplicably, I find myself looking out for a sequel though, as I was surprisingly entertained.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Eh
Nudity? Yes.

Read More

Monster Squad (1987)

So, for people like me who haven't seen this, Dracula assembles a team of monsters, consisting of himself,The Mummy, A werewolf, Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. His goal? Take over the world and rule with monsters.

A few kids that have formed a Monster Club at school uncover clues to the current existence of monsters. To that end, they've become the Monster Squad, rationalising that there is no one else who would be able to do anything to help and what brings these two groups together is Van Helsing's journal. The kids have it and the monsters want it. There is also an amulet which balances the forces of good and Evil. Dracula intends to use this to rule the world. The kids have one night to find it and end Draculas threat.

   VS.

The Battle of the Century?

Idk why it took me so Long to watch this movie. Shit, I don't even know how I hadn't heard of it until recently. Dracula forms a team of monsters in an attempt to take over the world? How I say?! How could I have missed this?!?!?! Then it turns out that it was a film that bombed and gained cult status many years later. Knowing that, I don't feel so bad.

Can we talk about some of the characters though?

• Patrick is not a good friend. maybe it's a nervous tick, but he continuously throws his friend under the bus during the opening scene. Funny, but ultimately no bueno.
• Fat Kid a.k.a. Horace. Shit, I think that if my name was Horace, I'd go by Fat Kid too.
• Rudy. You are not a tough guy. You can be. The shades and leather were cool, but you need to lose the socks/jeans/loafers look. Seriously.
• Scary German guy, who the fuck are you? The film alludes to you knowing more than you let on, but just how much is never revealed.
• Dracula is a beast: Pissed that they hit him with a garlic pizza, he brings dynamite and blows up the Monster Squad clubhouse. Then dynamites the only black guy just cuz and bats it up and flies away. Not to mention that at one point he shows up in a classic Black Rolls Royce steps out and only says, "It Begins." (which gives rise to the monsters.) My question is this: When did Dracula learn how to drive and how did he get his own custom car?
  

Stray Quotage:

• The guy was totally homoing out
• In our defense, she's boring and has a cat shaped head so they call her meow mix. I don't because that's bad.
• She's married?! Oh my god! Some guy home kisses her at night?! Like a priest says, "I now pronounce you man and wife" and it was okay with them?!?!
• Your sister doesn't speak German. All she does is hang around the school and let guys touch her tits.
• Sean, that guy creeps me out. Aah he's just on welfare. 
• Wolfman's got nards!!

Stray Obsevations:

• There are a lot of anti Gay remarks. Reminds me of a simpler time in cinema...
• Sean is wearing a "Stephen King Rules" shirt. Love it.
• There's a neat homage to the old Frankenstein films as the Monster ominously walks upon a little Girl playing by herself in grass.
• It's been established that they only had a day to save the world. So why did their montage feel like it spanned a week? They even faded it out so it seemed that more time had passed. I love a good montage though, so it didn't bother me, just feel like pointing it out.

Monster Squad escapes persecution because it's an older film, however I can say that it'd score pretty high. There's comedy, there's action and they even reference classic film lore regarding the monsters. It is the type of film that I kinda wish that I had seen it initially, but I know that I wouldn't have appreciated then it as much as I did now.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Dynamite. Treehouse. Boom.
Nudity? Teased, never delivered.

Read More

Reefer Madness (1936)

In this 1930s propaganda film turned cult classic, a group of teens seduced by the power of pot take a few puffs and become degenerates.

At the start of the film, there's a disclaimer that basically states that marijuana is the devil and it is the hope of the film to get you to understand how evil it is.

This movie plays exactly how I would think a propaganda film would and they really go for it. Did you know that Marijuana can cause complete insanity AND errors in time and space?


Reefer Madness was used to paint marijuana as the ultimate evil, even worse than narcotics, yet they have a guy setting up a pot head for murder in the same film! How did they redeem themselves? Well it turns out that that guy was driven completely insane by the scourge of marijuana. (Clever writing. I can appreciate that.)

It's useful as a history lesson; A look back on the mindset and culture of the earlier years of anti-pot culture. They were really against the stuff and people would believe anything you told them back then. Outside of all that, I'd skip this film.

Violence? Eh
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Food of the Gods (1978)

There's a farm. On that farm is a mysterious substance that is found near the water. What do the landowners do with this stuff? Why mix it into the feed and serve it to their animals. Duh. Also animals.Plural. That means variety. Running down the list we there are:

Chickens
Mosquitoes
Maggots
Wasps
Worms
And my favorite, Rats.

What more could a giant killer animal film lover want? Actually,
looking back, I'm surprised there were no spiders, but dammit people, there were already mosquitoes and maggots, wouldn't giant spiders be overkill? They gave us a giant chicken for ChristSakes!!!

"He ain't no man! That right there is a chicken!!!"

Anyway, despite strong competition, the rats steal the show and are awarded a sequel but not before we get to see the mosquitoes suck a man dry.

Food of the Gods (along with Night of the Lepus) started my love of the giant killer animal genre. Yes it's cheesy but seriously, Giant. Killer. Chickens. How can you hate that?

Violence? Puny humans are destroyed
Explosions? No. Maybe. Idk I was focused on the animals.
Nudity? No. Giant killer titties? One day maybe...

Read More

The Faculty (1998)

Many teens think their teachers hail from another planet -- but what if it's true? Herrington High students notice that faculty members aren't quite themselves, and discover an alien infection they might not be able to stop.

The Faculty is actually a pretty good film. I've been trying to breakdown just why this film was successful though when from all accounts, it should have flopped. I realized that it sticks to a simple premise:

US vs Them. A timeless, classic concept. To make it stand out, Robert Rodriguez places it within the context of an Alien Invasion. Look at it this way, teens have always (illogically) battled their authority figures, only now, they have a solid reason for doing so. Their lives are literally at stake.
There's even a scene ripped off from The Thing, where they sit in a circle and try to determine who is infected. I can never be mad at a good homage. Plus "Titbags" is apparently an insult.

Anyway, everyone is in this film. Check out the cast list:

- Salma Hayek (So hot)
- Josh Hartnett (Squinty Mc Squintsalot)
- Clea DuVall (That Girl #1)
- Famke Jensen (Jean Grey)
- Bebe Neuwirth (Frasier's Wife)
- Robert Patrick (T-1000)
- Elijah Wood (Frodo!)
- John Stewart (Fuck Fox News!)
- Jordana Brewster (That Girl #2)
 - Christopher MacDonald (Shooter McGavin!)

Oh, and Usher is the token black guy AND he is acting tough because he's a football player. I want to punch his face. Just knowing that he is responsible for the White Plague (Bieber) is enough. No jury would convict me.

Final Thought(s):

Why oh why, do parasites always have to enter through the ear?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? A lil bit o' Booty

Read More

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

Axe-wielding Angela returns for more gore in this third installment, which finds the crazed killer chopping up participants at a retreat that brings together rich and poor teens. Posing as a camper, Angela joins the culturally diverse group -- but as expected, the camp's feel-good philosophy escapes her. She soon goes about offing her fellow campers, an exercise she finds much more enjoyable than bonding with them.

Apparently Angela really loves to camp and a year after last year's events, Angela is back at Camp New Horizons after quickly killing and impersonating one of the newer campers.
This years camp intends to promote harmony and unity amongst both the rich and poor kids who are attending and one of the camp counselors is not only a cop, but the father of one of the boys killed in the second film. He was also the officer who arrested her at the end of the first. He doesn't recognize her because as he so helpfully explains, although her exploits have become mythological amongst the camping community, no one has any idea what she looks like and her juvenile records were destroyed after she turned 18. He also admits that he'd kill her if he ever met her.

Angela racks up her second kill as soon as she gets to camp, and by the time it takes to read this sentence, she's already killed three more campers while musing, "Why did I think this year would be any different?" (I laughed) Eventually she runs afoul of counselor cop and being cornered by him she reveals herself, and after he's named all the ways she's previously killed, he asks, "what's next?" And the answer is simply, "a gun," then she shoots him dead. (I laughed again.)

 After playing a game with the last three campers, she attempts to do something nice and leaves one untouched while she flees the camp. She is arrested after a short struggle in which the camper manages to stab her a few times. In an ambulance, Angela manages to kill her way out and open the door for the fourth sequel we've all been begging for.

Sleepaway Camp 3 is for obvious reasons the third film in the Sleepaway Camp film series. This film, like it's predecessors, is also a cult favorite. A key factor in this film is it's dark humor. It knows what it is and what you want and it doesn't take itself that seriously. In fact, it takes itself less seriously than its Sleepaway Camp II, but I think therein lies the problem. It has exhausted all of it's mojo and without starting fresh, I think this series has gone on as far as it possibly can. Or maybe not. Jason, Freddy and Michael were all one note characters who lasted many films. But there's just something about these films that just doesn't seem to resonate as well. *shrugs, sips beer with raised pinky*

 My favorite exchange comes from this token: 

 What's your favorite movie? "Well, I like ones with tits and blood." Hmm. Yes. Irony. 

There's a new kill to add to the list as one of the campers is blindfolded, hoisted up a flagpole and then just dropped. Amazing.

The soundtrack continues to be amazing and overall, Teenage Wasteland is not as put together as Unhappy Campers(part two) but still serviceable as a sequel.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes. Oh hell yes.

Read More

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

Five years after a series of horrifying murders left Camp Arawak looking like Armageddon, the killer returns to the scene of the crime to work as a camp counselor. But since Angela Baker looks like a normal, everyday 20-something, only she knows what she's truly capable of.

After the events of the first film, Angela manages to return to the camp some 10 years later as something like a misguided morality counselor, except completely insane. All she wants is for her campers to be happy and have fun. That's not too much to ask for, why is that so hard? Why are teenagers so difficult?!!!

During the opening scene, the events is the first film are rehashed through tales told over a campfire. And after disposing of her first camper for being disrespectful everything is smiles and sunshine, until the next few cross her path. Her cover story is that she has been sending the unruly students home. After a while, a few of the remaining campers start to piece together what's happening. Things start to spiral out of control for Angela as the body count rises and they get closer to the truth.

Sleepaway Camp features 2 some of the most non-sex sex ever filmed and the dialogue and killed kills are both comical but not over the top. The one exception being, the unfortunate camper who was drowned in an outhouse. (Thats just wrong,) Sleepaway Camp Two is one of the best B-movies. Ever. I don't understand why I waited so long to watch this movie. It's really a work of art.
There's also a staged battle between movie monsters and a classic scene of one upsmanship as two kids show up as Freddy and Jason intending to scare Angela. She shows up dressed as Leatherface and quickly gets chainsawing. One dude is impaled with his own Freddy claws.
The movie is almost worth it for that scene alone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes. Straight-up Titty Son!

Read More

Todd and the Book of Pure Evil (2010) [TV Series]

A book of awesome power -- one that will make your deepest, darkest desires come true but at a horrifying cost -- is loose in Crowley High. Thankfully, four teenagers stand between The Book of Pure Evil and the end of the world as we know it.

Todd and the Book of Pure Evil is a Canadian horror comedy that was only allowed two years of awesomeness before it was shut down by the Canadian Government. At it's core, TatBoPE was about a high school slacker stoner who discovers that he is the "pure evil one," a being destined to bring about a new age of death and destruction. Todd decides that he ain't about that life and rejects the book. However, the book has the power to grant anyone's desires and usually anyone that uses it meets a grisly fate. With the help of his friends, he has to track it down before it gets into the hands of his nemesis Atticus Murphy Jr., the school counselor/secret Satanist who intends to use to book for his own evil deeds.

I've read that paragraph maybe six or seven times trying to improve it. Don't let that description fool you, Hands down, TATBOPE is one of the best tv shows ever made and just about guaranteed to be the one show that can only be enjoyed by me...and maybe a few folks in Canada. Everything about this show is amazing. The story, the monsters, the music, and most importantly there's blood, guts and swearing. Aside from Metalocalypse, there's no show like it and it's relatively uncensored for the most part.

They've even saw fit to bless us with some choice swears:

Shit Rooster (my personal favorite)
JizzMagician - (because you make jizz disappear.)
Cock Holster (known, but still comical)
Cock Lamp
Ass Taxi

Todd and the Book of Pure Evil has got to be one of the best shows I've ever seen and I completely understand why it was not renewed. There's no way a show this awesome could last on television and there's no way to censor it that wouldn't completely ruin it. At least it had two seasons and a proper ending.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Only in Monster Form

Read More

Piranha aka Piranha 3D (2010)

When an earthquake tears open the bottom of Lake Havasu, schools of carnivorous piranhas are released from their underwater lair, and the lake turns into a bloody, frenzied death trap for unwitting water-goers.

Spring Break in Arizona is threatened when a large school of Piranhas are unleashed after an earthquake. These particular piranhas are prehistoric and long thought extinct, yet the earthquake has apparently released them from their resting place and they appear to be headed right towards the party.

On a dive to the site of the seismic activity, a cavern containing many many piranha eggs are found. Once the search team is massacred, the threat becomes readily apparent to the sheriff, who has to now find a way to eliminate them.

Jerry O'Connell is the host of "Wild, Wild Girls," a girls gone wild type of video shoot that is responsible for the bulk of the titty. 

It doesn't take long before the first body is found, but the feeding frenzy doesn't begin until about 40 minutes left in the film. However, the wait is worth it and in the meanwhile, we're treated to tension building scenes, "Wild, Wild Girls" shoots and Spring Break with all the debauchery that entails.
Piranha is your typical, "drunken college kid orgy gets broken up by killer animal" film, which are good for blood, titty and death scenes. Having a bigger budget, we are treated to 3D, and piranha vision. That's about the extent of what this film adds to the genre. Yet it is still surprisingly enjoyable.

Adam Scott as an action hero?
Fish being tazed?
Piranhas coming out of people's mouths?
All of this plus titty?

Get the popcorn...and the beer.

 Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

Read More

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

What happens when a fast-food chicken franchise is built on a sacred Native American burial site rife with restless spirits? Zombie chickens! Now it's up to high school grad Arbie, to find a way to destroy the featherless fiends.

Movies open with teens banging in an Indian burial ground. Wendy promises Arbie that college will never change her. A year later, he returns to the make out spot only to find that it has since been bulldozed and an American Chicken Bunker has been built on top. A large group of people are protesting the restaurant, upset with the treatment of both the burial ground and the chickens that go into their product.

At the protest, not only does Arbie reconnect with Wendy, he discovers that she is also a lesbian. Out of spite, he gets a job at the restaurant looking for revenge. Once there, he discovers that the Indians and the chickens are seeking revenge as well and the tainted chicken manages to turn people into chicken zombies.


Poultrygeist is a Low budget Tromaville horror/comedy/ musical. I would say it's mildly offensive, but that would be generous. I think you'd have to search to find the line this film didn't cross yet I found it surprisingly funny. Even the musical numbers hit the comedy notes.
Tromaville movies are not for everyone, but Poultrygeist kinda works. It does drag towards the end, but it's decent good before it gets to that point.


Stray Quotage:

-You're the best dry humper I'm the school
    Yeah, that's what the basketball team says.

-you're the counter girl.
     Counter girl?
-Just a little nickname we have here.
     Oh okay.
-Cool. I'll get your skirt.

-How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock?!

-Would you stick around if you shit up a bathroom this bad?!

-There hasn't been such a dangerous combination of chicken and Indian since the creation of Tandoori.



I am a fan of originality, and of all the zombie films, chicken zombies are definitely original.

 

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

Read More

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2010)

As a child Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family. Now a young man he struggles with a pestering girlfriend, therapy sessions that resolve nothing, and night classes that barely hold his interest. After unleashing an ancient curse, Jack's Professor undergoes a transformation into something not-quite- human, and Jack is forced to confront some old demons... along with a few new ones.

Robert Englund hams it up on screen as the professor/ lead monster. (Hookers and blow ain't cheap)

The knock on this film: Despite the opening scene, no real action scenes occur until the end so I can see people losing interest. It feels longer than it is because they spent so much time setting up the characters and plot. If you come into this film expecting immediate monster smashing, you'll be disappointed. However, if you came into it expecting an old school action comedy monster jam, you may leave pleasantly surprised. And if you look at the film as an origin story, you'll understand why it's a cult favorite.

Jack Brooks is not the best, but definitely worth a watch if you're into the genre.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Candyman (1992)

While researching urban myths, grad student Helen Lyle learns about the Candyman, a hook-handed creature who's said to haunt a Chicago housing project.The Candyman is made flesh by other people's belief in him. Not surprisingly, Lyle manages to summon him and soon, the Candyman has committed a series of murders, and the cops are holding Lyle responsible.

The general theory is that Urban Legends are not real. Since she's working on her thesis, Helen begins to investigate the Candyman urban legend, to disprove it's validity. There's a wise old janitor who claims she knows about the Candyman, and puts Helen on the right path. Of course no one outside of the projects believes the myth, but as she investigates the latest victim told to her by the janitor, she begins to find truth to the story.

An Urban Legend about a Black guy who kills people?...N-Word, Please!

The story of candyman is revealed by a rival colleague. He was the son of a slave, well educated and a talented artist. After impregnating the daughter of a wealthy landowner, he was chased out of town. Eventually caught, his hand was cut off, his body was smeared with honey and he was stung to death by bees. They then burned his body and scattered his ashes over the future site of the projects where conveniently, the killings have mostly occurred. At the projects, some dude pretending to be Candyman shows up and gives her the business. Turns out he's a local drug lord and using the story to increase his rep. Also, apparently White women have super healing powers as she recovered from a nasty swollen eye in a day. She's leaving work and wearing dark sunglasses in a parking lot (Rule # 10.) When we finally get to meet Candyman for real.

Tony Todd is creepy as fuck. He was the perfect choice for this role.

Candyman apparently needs Helen to believe. Since Her investigations were threatening his myth, he appeared before her to force her to believe and Seriously, Candyman fucks her shit up. At least three times, He showed up and begged her to be a victim. She, of course, refuses and blacks out and when she comes to, she's covered in blood and holding a weapon and the cops are there. Guns drawn. Hilarious. After a while she ends up at at a mental institution for her troubles and eventually escapes, only to find her husband cavorting with a student. Kind of a scumbag move on his part, but hey, she was going away for life. With nothing left to lose, Helen goes to the Candyman's lair to try and kill him. She barely makes it out alive, but dies soon after and continues his work as a vengeful spirit.

His legend is what keeps him remembered, but when I sit back and think about it, Candyman has been haunting the same area since the slavery days. He's not a mindless killer just vain and aimless.

As the legend goes, If you look in the mirror and say his name 5x, he appears and guts you from groin to gullet. But why? For what purpose? Another question, How can he attack and kill the people who haven't summoned him?

Outside of all of that, Candyman was one of the more/most successful urban supernatural killer films. I didn't feel it was that coherent, but it's an older film so I can't judge it. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Helen got some big ass titties.

Read More

Goon (2011)

Labeled an outcast by his brainy family, a bouncer overcomes long odds to lead a team of under performing misfits to semi-pro hockey glory, beating the crap out of everything that stands in his way.

Steve Stifler stars as Doug Clatt, a man looking for his "thing" in life. After beating up an away player who came through the crowd, he is offered a spot on the home team. When he proves to be a big fish in a small pond, he is assigned to the AA league, which is essentially a step away from the pros. There, he is specifically tasked with protecting and possibly re-igniting a fallen players career.
As the fans revel in his fighting abilities, it becomes increasingly apparent that he'll have to fight the league's premier enforcer, Ross Rhea to prove his worth. After a heat like confrontation with Rhea at a local diner, the stage is officially set for their showdown.

Goon is actually pretty funny and very well put together. The sports scenes are handled without glaring issues, the comedy hits, and the writing is done so well that when Doug and Ross officially square off, their characters and fights have been built up enough to where you actually care to see who wins.


Fun fact: Stifler plays a surprisingly sensitive character. It's weird to see this type of role but it works. In a weird twist to their history, Eugene "I'll do just about anything for money. Anything" Levy plays his disapproving father.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence.
Nudity? No

Read More