Project X (2012)

3 high school seniors throw a birthday party to make a name for themselves. As the night progresses, things spiral out of control as word of the party spreads.

After his parents take off for the weekend, 18 year old Thomas Cub, (winner of the 2012 Shia Lebouf look alike contest) throws a party at the behest of his bff Costa. Seeing the night as an opportunity to gain popularity and get laid, Costa invites a lot more people than Thomas intended. As the party rages, they have to deal with police, neighbors and an unhinged drug dealer they ran afoul of earlier.

 The guy on the left came with a cheaper salary...

At some point we've all dreamed of being at or throwing a wild party. Project X is the tale of one such party that spirals out of control within the first 20 minutes. The plot sums this movie up fairly well and there isn't much more to add.  Somewhere during this party There was also a love story, a midget and a flamethrower. Oh and titty. It's never a party without titty.

 Supple...I mean, subtle.

Project X is a decent film but I don't think a lot of it was planned. There was only about 15 minutes if actual film. That equates to about an hour of partying on camera, just cuz. And you know what? The film was better for It. The soundtrack was dope and in the party scenes, everyone seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves.

In retrospect, maybe this was all an excuse to throw a giant fucking party?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Outrage (2010)

Writer, director and actor Takeshi "Beat" Kitano returns to his roots in this gripping gangster drama that details the intense rivalry between two powerful yakuza syndicates and the efforts of a small crew to prevent all-out war from erupting.

Two Yakuza gangs have made a pact of nonviolence, yet long standing tensions bubble to the surface and they soon find themselves on the brink of all out war.

This film does not glorify gang violence at all. If anything it is a "behind the curtain" view of the life of a Yakuza. Politics, Power grabs, in fighting, blackmail, extortion, executions, you know, the good stuff. Outrage is long and deliberate but when the gang war is finally on, no one survives. The idea behind that is to wipe out the whole crew so that there's no one who can come back for revenge later and in doing so, I have to give credit where it's due. The ruthless gangs always come up with new ways to kill and in this film, they created a vehicular lynching.

From the front seat of a car, they tied a rope around a guys neck and tied the other end to a pole on the highway. Then they put the car in full speed wich instantly snapped his neck and pulled him backward.

Crazy.

Out of Ten? 6

Not to quote the cover, but Outrage is definitely not for the squeamish

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Two Titties

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Samourais (2002)

Half a century ago, a Japanese family summoned a demon known as Kodeni to dispose of its adversaries. Once the killing was done, the family was cursed. Now, Tokyo Police Inspector Fujiwara is investigating the murder of a video game designer. The investigation leads him to a frightening discovery - the same lethal demon is about to be reborn. Fujiwara must travel to Paris and kill this unborn child who is the reincarnation of Kodeni and who threatens to destroy the world.

A woman is chased through a forest by a samurai. Right before he delivers the killing blow, she is saved by five men wielding swords. After a short battle, she gives birth to a baby who quickly ages into a full grown adult in a matter of seconds. He then grabs a sword sand kills both the mother and the samurai that was hunting her. 5 centuries later, the demon baby has worn out his current body and is in need of another. While being questioned about the latest killing, he manages to take out the police in the interrogation room before allowing himself to be killed by the chief warning him that he will resurrect in his daughter's womb.

Soon after the chief pulls the trigger and kills him, a shogun appears in the room, announces that he is an ancestor of the chief and tells him the story of the demon. He says that he must slay his daughter, as she carries the demon child and if she gives birth, there will be nothing thar can stop him. But eventually, he joins up with his daughter's boyfriend Marcos to both stop the demon and defeat a secret sect bent on allowing him to be reborn and continue his work.

Aah Japan...I never know what's happening in your films, yet I always come back for more.
Samourais was okay, worthy of a five at the least. Despite the dope.fight scenes, and the forced comedy, this movie is getting a 4 off the stregnth of Marcos' annoying friend, Nadir.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? one
Nudity? No

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Yakuza Weapon (2011)

Minus two limbs after his first showdown with a Yakuza chief, Shozo is remade into a machine-gun-armed, rocket-launcher-legged vengeance machine. Now the kingpin and his men are the targets of a psychotic who's made of more firepower than they carry.

 Guns, swords, chivalry and loyalty are the ways of the Yazuka. Feeling that those are outdated, one man, Kurawaki, disposes of the old chief and assumes command. He believes that business and drug distribution is the new way to go and it is his goal to unite the families under his control. Upon hearing that his father has been slain, Shozo, a young and fearless man, returns to Japan intent on revenge and proving that he is the toughest of all the Yakuza. After their first battle, Shozo is left missing both his right arm and his left leg. After being patched up and given cybernetic weapon enhancements, he sets out to take down Kurawaki once and for all. What he doesn't know is that Kurawaki has also been enhanced and he now commands an army of drug fueled supporters.

She can shoot rockets from her vadge. That's right folks, Vagina Cannon!

Yakuza Weapon is a Japanese grindhouse movie. That means gore, comedy, and cyber/human weapons. There's machine gun arms, Cock Rockets and a freaking Vagina Cannon! This film basks in its ridiculousness while still telling a decent story. It isn't the type of film that you'd watch if you were looking for serious action, but it is still entertaining.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? Vagina Cannon

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Punished (2011)

Thirsting for vengeance after baddies kidnap and kill his daughter, über-rich real estate developer Wong Ho-chiu sends his ex-con bodyguard Chor after the killers with instructions to slay them mercilessly -- and to videotape each brutal murder.

After a fight with his drug addicted daughter, he learns that she's been kidnapped. Thinking she's behind it, he initially shrugs it off but he reluctantly agrees to pay the $50 million ransom. He finds her dead a day later and basically swears vengeance on those involved and pays his bodyguard another 50 to get it done.

Punished is not a horrible flick. It's just not terribly entertaining. It its more of a revenge drama as opposed to revenge action. Decent performances supported the film and the vengeance scenes themselves were good. (Especially because there's a sledgehammer.)

I understand that vengeance is methodical, so a slow burn is to be expected yet I felt that it moved a bit too slow.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Saving Private Perez (2011)

Despite his ruthless reputation, the most notorious drug lord in Mexico has one soft spot -- his mother -- and when she orders him to invade Iraq to rescue his little brother, he assembles a squad of oddball hombres to fulfill his suicidal mission.

Julian Perez is the most dangerous, most feared and most powerful drug lord in Mexico. When he goes to visit his mom in the hospital, she tells him that his brother has joined the US Army, and is now missing in action since his plane was shot down over Iraq. She also tells him that if he wants to make amends to her, he would go to there and bring his brother home alive. Perez then assembles a team of four capable men to travel and help him with this task. His first question, "Where the hell is Iraq?"

Upon first hearing the title, Saving Private Perez sounds like it should be a comedy, but instead it takes itself seriously as an action adventure film with a little comedy sprinkled in. There's clear movement from A to B with no filler and yet It seemed like they weren't quite sure which direction to go, so they added a bit of everything, it didn't help, but it didn't hurt either.

I went in with no expectations, but it turned out to be a bit better than I would have given it credit for.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Darkest Hour (2011)

In Moscow, five young people lead the charge against an alien race who have attacked Earth via our power supply.

Two guys travel to Russia for a business deal. After being screwed, they decided to stick around and party. At a bar, they ruin into two women who read their travel blog. They quickly become a group after the city is attacked by what appear to be invisible invaders.
Taking shelter in the storage area of the bar, they Set out to find the Russian embassy, but find that seemingly the whole city has been destroyed or abandoned. They eventually discover that it Wasn't just Moscow, NY, England and Paris were attacked and well.
The film then becomes a race for survival as they try to make it to a Russian naval ship and reach other survivors before it departs.

Here's what we learn about these aliens:

• They have electric tentacles with a very long reach.
  
• They turn people into dust.
  
• They can see the bio- electrical pulses of humans.
  
• They can't see through glass.
  
• They can't be seen during the day.
  
• They have invisible shields.
  
  

Darkest Hour isn't that good, but isn't that terrible either. It does what it needs to do as a popcorn flick and doesn't offer much more. The one thing that stood out for me was that no one was safe. I like when films include that particular sense of dread. Also I found it funny how when the attack first happened no one was as drunk as they were 5 minutes before.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Superman vs. The Elite (2012)

The Man of Steel finds himself outshone by a new team of ruthless superheroes who hold his idealism in contempt.

The Elite are a team of 4 young and flashy super beings who are not afraid to kill their enemies. As their methods gain popularity,  Superman fights to hold onto the ideal that Super powered beings are not ones to pass judgement on others as that's for the courts to decide. As the cheers for The Elite grow louder, the pressure mounts and they eventually come to blows.  Is he willing to die for his beliefs? Are they?

Superman is a boy scout. But he's a static character with static ideals. As the world changes, he stays the same; The ultimate good guy. Can he adjust? Can his morals stand in a world that's grown increasingly violent?  These are the questions posed by this film and these questions lead to a decent flick.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Fanboys (2009)

"Star Wars" fanatics take a cross-country trip to George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch so their dying friend can see a screening of Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace before its release.

A group of friends decide to finally accomplish their 5th grade dream: A trip together to George Lucas' Skywalker ranch. As they have since drifted apart, they have reunited, and upon learning that one is dying from terminal cancer, they now plan to break in and steal the first print of Star Wars:Episode I.

Fanboys is a comedy that clearly appeals to Star Wars nerds, yet has enough broad appeal to reach a larger audience. Plus a ton of celebrity cameos push this film further than it might have gone otherwise.

Seriously, everyone cameos in this film:

• Seth Rogen
• William Shatner
• Danny McBride
• Billy Dee Williams
• Carrie Fisher
• Danny Trejo

Plus, Kristen Bell in a slave Lea outfit? 

 Fuck. Yes.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Spring Breakdown (2009)

Three women vacation together at a popular travel destination for college co-eds on spring break.

Three middle aged friends head to San Padre for Spring Break on the whim of a senator who seeks to keep her daughter out of trouble as she is being vetted for the vice presidency. Her daughter is a nerdy renaissance maiden who leads her mom to believe she's a wild party girl, but when her boyfriend breaks up with her for a woman with looser morals, she decides to be that girl to get him back. As the women become caught up in the popularity and debauchery of Spring Break in San Padre, They start to lose themselves and each other, but by the end, they realize that being popular and pretty is a crutch and being smart and self assured will get you more respect in life.

 End of the day, Spring Breakdown is an empowerment comedy. What happens when regular girls go wild? Nothing different. Except in the end, they learn to be happy with themselves. Somehow they pull this off without beating you over the head with it and that works. The "southern" accents were annoying, but didn't hurt the film too much. Plus Amy Pohler and Amber Tamblyn? How can you ignore that?

Out of Ten? 5.5

Not the greatest, but not the worst. Had its moments, but isn't a must see.

Violence? Girl on Girl Salsa Fighting
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Shark Zone (2003)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Zone***

A man must hunt down ferocious sharks that are threatening a small beach community.

**Sidenote: I didn't actually feel like writing about this film, so I decided to live blog it. It was a Game time decision, but I think I may revisit this format in the future. Let me know what you think.**

In 1792 a Ship from Spain carrying diamonds and other goods capsizes after a storm at sea and now that this has been explained, we can start the real story.

1. On a tour vessel, 6 people are ready to dive.
2. Douchey guy is easily going to be the first victim.
3. Nice rack on the douchey guys gf though.
4. Touching family moment #1 father and son bonding before the dive.
5. Finally in the water and not only has the douche blatantly ignored the leaders warning to remove his necklace, he goes off on his own ignoring orders to stay together.
6. Touching family moment #2 father and son discuss how proud they are if each other.
7. Douche And friend find an abandoned ship and go to explore. They also find a Family of hungry sharks.
8. Gasp! They're all dead! Yet, somehow the son escapes!
9. We pick up in S.F. 10 years later. Now a grown man with his own family, And hot wife!) he watches the sea wistfully.
10. They take a boat to sea during a rainstorm and they are attacked by sharks.
11. The hot wife is dead! Oh the humanity!!!
12. Ooh no. It's Only a dream. Whoo.
13. Meeting to discuss a festival. Bleh. Talking.
14. They ask him to go back to the death site in search of jewels. He flat out refuses.
15. Not even 30 minutes into the film and we've reached the part where the hero warns of the danger and he's summarily dismissed. is it wrong to expect lots of bloodshed later?
16. Hero v Mayor #1: "I know your dad's death weighs heavily on your mind. But I'm asking you, and I'm paying you to get him out if your head for the summer." Douche. Let's see if he dies later.
17. Touching scene #3: He takes his son to his father's gravesite and explains to him how awesome he was. Then they discuss how much they hate sharks.
18. Beach shot. Little kids, hot women, high wasted Bikinis and finally our first titty.
19. They try to pull everyone out of the water, but the sharks are many and that are too fast. They feast and yes. Lots of blood is shed. (Called it!) The sharks show up, wreck shop. Leave. This movie might actually be decent.
20. Hero meeting with Mayor v. 2
    "The beach stays open!" If the festival doesn't happen, it'll be worse than a shark attack! [It'll be 9/11 x 1,000.]
21. He leaves the mayor's office and recruits a team with the intention of hunting the sharks.
22. Before that, he goes home to console himself in the arms of his hot wife. She's being all hot and supportive. Tears are shed. Then she takes him to bed. After some lame dialogue we cut to the next day as they apparently are too good to get busy for us on film.





23. The mayor is in cahoots with a mobster who threatens to pull his support (money) if our hero isn't out there taking him diamond hunting by the end of the week.
24. The hunt is on! The plan is to tag every shark that they can't kill.
25. He stays on the boat while the sharks attack and manage to get through the cages and feast on the hunters inside.
26. Oh man, they just used the same scene twice.
27. The sharks are smarter than they seem and they have destroyed everyone. Once again, he can only sit and watch.
28. Realistic shark physics? That shark was really working to get that body down its throat.
29. Meeting with the mayor v.3: Beaches will be closed.
30. While the hero drinks away his problems with about 8 shots + beers, we get our 3rd and final titty shot as a young couple goes diving in the banned waters. The sharks, of course, are not too far away.
31. The mobster meets with our hero, but he stands his ground. He is not going to help. Mobster promises he'll return... soon.
32. Meeting with his crew the mobster makes plans to kidnap the hero's son. The ransom? A diamond expedition.
33. Out at sea, we get hints of another impending shark attack. You can tell because this movie seriously uses the same scenes. Quite brazenly.
34. Thing is, these sharks are doing nothing, but fucking people up and leaving. I'm starting to think that This is a legit shark attack film.
35. Because he needed a victory, not only did they save a victim, they also managed to land trackers.
36. Meeting w the mayor 4:  I can track them. I'm ready to head out and drop explosives. (Because that always works.)
37. Crappy dialogue preceded the bomb drops, but no one takes the time to say a crappy one liner.
38. Oh wait, there it goes. "Class Dismissed!" Get it? Because a pack of fish is called a school. Sigh.





39. Hero v. Mayor 5:
    M: "Are we drinking because we killed all the sharks? I'll have one!"
    H: "Well, the sharks may have had babies. We'll see..."
40. Mobster calls the hero's house with a fantastic investment opportunity. either He helps him get those diamonds or his family will be in danger.
41. When he meets the hero he offers him about $500k when he again refuses, he drops the bomb. The pilot who rescued him was his brother. Dun-Dun-Dunn!!
42. He says he'll consider it repayment if he helps and after another refusal, he has his goons kidnaps his son. From a school bus. In broad daylight. [That Don't matter, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.]
43. Getting the news from his wife, he assures her that he will save him and rushes to his rescue. Nice drifting on an old cherokee. The wet roads helped i guess.
44. On board the mobsters ship, he makes with the kung fu, but he is quickly pummeled by four guys and gets his shit stomped, but never wavers from his trash talk. Even with a boot on his back and guns in his face, he's all, "If you touch my son..."
45. He gives up the info on the diamonds, but gets to stay aboard the ship with the boss while the bad guys search for the gems. They boast about how easy it is and You know what they means. The sharks aren't too far behind.
46. Exactly 2 minutes later, the sharks are on their way and they show up precisely when the diamonds are found. One henchman gets skinned alive and it soon becomes a feeding frenzy.
47. Realizing that he may never get the diamonds, the mob boss threatens to toss our hero's son off the ship if he doesn't dive down and retrieve them himself.
48. Once submerged, he almost immediately he takes out the henchman #4 and climbs back aboard to deal with his boss. He's shot in the fracas, but still manages to kick him overboard and rescue his son who was apparently too much much of a bitch to save himself.
49. The Scene then cuts to hero and super hot wife aboard a cruise ship. Basking in the glow of a well earned vacation. He hallucinates seeing a shark in the pool. Then realizes it for what it is and laughs.

Boom. End credits.

Shark Zone, despite its cheesy dialogue, deserves no more than a 5. But for its three pairs of titty and the unrepentent delivery of blodshed and killer sharks I'm going to add another .5. I can't forgive the blatant use of repeat footage.  

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? Yes

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Mega Shark vs. Crocosarus (2010)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus***

When the prehistoric warm-water beast the Crocosaurus crosses paths with that cold-water monster the Mega Shark, all hell breaks loose in the oceans as the world's top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic frenzy. Swallowing everything in their paths -- including a submarine or two -- Croc and Mega lead an explorer and an oceanographer on a wild chase. Eventually, the desperate men turn to a volcano for aid. 

Hot on the heels of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, the Mega Shark now battles the Crocosaurus in the latest battle of the monster beasts. I barely have time to finish that sentence before the Crocosaurus immediately makes his presence felt and eats his way out of the cave slavers have been digging in. Being no slouch, The Mega Shark makes his presence felt early as well, repeatedly attacking a naval ship without reason. Steve Urkel co stars as a naval audio technician, who believes that the giant shark is back and is only proven right when it appears and attacks their ship for no reason. His fiancee suffers an unfortunate shark related fatality during the attack.

Since it takes so long from setup to execution to fight, here's the story condensed:

Mega Shark and Crocosaurus are fucking shit up separately. Somewhere along the way, The shark has swallowed a nuclear sub and essentially becomes a bomb, while the Croc tears through downtown Miami. The military hot on the trail of both, come up with a plan to lead them both to the panama canal where they will attempt to blow them up.

Inside the final 30 minutes we finally get the "battle" we've been waiting for, but it's mainly just a lot of tail and fin biting with the navy shooting missiles and torpedoes at both. Yet Somehow the day is saved after a mighty explosion wipes out everything within their radius.

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus was beyond bad. I fell asleep twice before the end. It seemed like Only two people were trying and bless his heart, boy did Urkel try. Ah well. Another bad movie in the books.

 (Uproxx via Gamma Squad)

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon***

When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path.

 The Megalodon is a large prehistoric shark. Long thought to be extinct, one exists solely to terrorize the people of this film.

Life is good for the members of the mexican beach patrol. Beaches, bikinis and babes are their life. But now they have to deal with a 30 foot prehistoric shark. But after finding a large shark tooth during a deep sea dive, Ben (our hero) uploads a picture of it, hoping someone can help him identify it. The call is answered by a Cat Stone, a marine biologist, and she rushes to his beach to confirm what she's found. Assuring him that he won't have a huge problem. She tracks the shark and tags it, confirming it is the same shark as she thought. After it attacks someone though, she reveals the truth, she's a paleontologist with the museum and the shark is a megalodon. A  species of shark that can grow up to 72ft and is supposed to be extinct. Ben immediately sets out to hunt and kill it as it threatens the resort. Soon after, the danger and urgency increases as its mother makes an appearance.

Shark Attack 3 is only related to the other two movies by name. It is a decent bad flick and has arguably reached cult status based on this one scene:

 Shark Attack 3 was worth it for that line alone. I can't believe that fucking worked.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Shark Attack 2 (2001)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Attack 2***

The mutant sharks from Dr. Craven's experiments in "Shark Attack 1" are back, this time choosing Cape Town, South Africa as their hunting ground. Dr. Nick Harris and his assistant get the shark and install it as a new attraction at Water World - a Sea World rip-off. When the shark escapes, Nick goes to hunt it and discovers that there are 6 mutant Great Whites living in a cave near the beach, and the Water World's surfing competition might be the next victim!

**Editors note: Sorry if this review is confusing. I can't be bothered with remembering the names of people in this flick. They're almost all going to die anyway.**

A marine biologist has been tasked with retrieving a Great White for his employer at the Aquarium. He warns that the animal may be too much to control but he's threatened with termination if he doesn't comply.
A hot blonde woman attempts to kill the shark, claiming it is the same one that killed her sister a week ago. Everyone dismisses her and assures her that it isn't the same shark and they are all safe since it's in captivity.
After the greedy aquarium owner, looking for a news bite, demands that the shark be fed, a hapless engineer falls in and gets eaten in front of just about every child in town. The shark then escapes, but not before he's guy with a tracking device. In a classic scumbag maneuver, Aquarium Boss throws the Marine Bio under the bus.  (He'll be fish food later, But for now,) Marine Bio has to hunt down and kill the shark. He forms a crew with Hot Blonde and the members of a boat he's chartered and together they encounter it.

Aquarium Boss shows up and reminds Marine Bio that it's his fault and says he's hired bootleg Steve Irwin to hunt the shark and clean his mess. Bootleg Irwin catches a shark, but the team believes it is the wrong one, and Aquarium Boss hasn't been eaten yet, so back into the water they go. At sea, they find a cave full of Great Whites. After running a blood test, they find that the sharks are mutated and they will have a huge problem on their hands, as they hunt in packs and the surf competition begins in 2 hours. After being denied their request to shut down the beach, there's not much left to do but sit and wait for the inevitable and so they do.

Believing him to be more capable, Bootleg Irwin has been tasked with killing the sharks. His first priority however, is securing enough footage for the Discovery Channel. (Shark Week, baby!) While he's down there, the massacre begins. After chomping his crew, the sharks finally head towards the beach. After the "I told you so's" the mayor grants Marine Bio full authority to handle the situation. Him, hot blonde and bootleg Irwin team up to end the horror.

I know it's a b-movie, about mutated killer sharks, but the dialogue is so crappy. Soooo crappy. And get this, for all of his scumbaggery, Aquarium Boss didn't get eaten. Wtf? + A Shark attack and over-dramatic acting within the first 5 minutes?  I should have known I'd be in for a doozy.

(This should have but didn't happen.)

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Brief

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Shark Night (2011)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Night 3D***

A weekend of beach-house debauchery turns into a nightmare for a group of friends when they discover that the waters are infested with vicious sharks.

So I skipped this movie when it first came out. I was thinking that There's no way this was worth my time. They killed the black guy in the fucking trailer! But you know what, it's Shark Week, and it's a shark movie, so here we are.

A group of college kids take a trip to an island lake house for clear debauchery related purposes. What they aren't aware of, is that the lake is infested with sharks and they are summarily picked off and devoured for our viewing pleasure. Spoiler Alert: The black guys name is "Malik,".and he gets eaten. But not before he makes a spear and kills one in revenge.

Mmmm...dark meat

 After a quick battle with that Shark, the kids learn that they may have been released in the lake on purpose, after a tracking device is found. After being captured, they soon learn the villainous plan: Seeing the reception of Shark Week, they planned to release the sharks, film the attacks and sell the footage for profit. They've been providing the bait. I'm telling you people, Shark Week is serious business!

 Let's see...a film that features people making videos for Shark Week that I'm reviewing during Shark So. Meta.

I was expecting a low budget shark destruction film, but what I got was a lot more drama than I wanted or expected. I don't want to say I'm impressed, but I certainly enjoyed this a bit more than I thought I would. But... Here's the problem:

The lack of both nudity and gore is astounding. If you're going to greenlight a film about teens being eaten by sharks, why tone down the blood and titty? We only watch these films for those two reasons exactly.

PG-13 animal attack films are a blight on our cinema.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Often teased, but never delivered.

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2 Headed Shark Attack (2012)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: 2-Headed Shark Attack***

A group of teens taking a "semester at sea" course find themselves stranded on an abandoned atoll after their ship is attacked by a monster shark. To their dismay, they find that the island is sinking and the shark is terrorizing the only way out. (Hint: The Water)

This movie is terrible. But somewhere between the cheesy lines, the horrible reading of said lines, and the lame creature effects, this could have been a decent bad movie, but the dialogue was too terrible, and the casting was awful. (Hi, Brooke Hogan!). The Shark however, definitely did his part as apparently two heads means twice the carnage. There were even multiple minorities for it to feed on.

I see you hiding back there, token. You can't hide from your fate.

I want to say that this film reached "so bad it's good" status. But no. it's just bad. In films like these, there are only two things people want to see: people getting killed and people getting naked. The shark delivered, but the lack of nudity was astounding.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Waaaay under quota

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Boy Wonder (2010)

Years after witnessing his mother's brutal murder, withdrawn Sean Donovan develops a dark alter ego and starts dispensing some vigilante justice. But soon a dedicated cop picks up his trail, and Sean's twisted crusade begins to implode.

After the brutal death of his mother, a teen begins to take justice into his own hands while searching for her killer.

The " wronged person becomes vigilante" story is oft used and Boy Wonder adds nothing new to the genre. The dude playing vigilante however, definitely gave himself to the flick and compared to the other performances, it seemed as if they were just trying to get through this. Like me.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Immortals (2011)

In Ancient Greece, King Hyperion searches for a powerful weapon that will free the bloodthirsty Titans and enable them to overpower the gods and enslave mankind. Unable to interfere directly, the gods choose a champion to defend them.

According to legend, Immortal beings were once at war with each other. The winners of the war dubbed themselves Gods and took their place above the clouds. The losers were called Titans and were sealed at the bottom of Mt. Tartarus. Lost in the battle was an ancient and powerful weapon, the Epirus Bow. King Hyperion seeks to release the Titans and retrieve the bow in order to rule all of the lands. Theseus is destined to stop him.

We follow Theseus on his journey as he reluctantly falls into his role as the hero of the story. Zeus and the other Gods watch the events, but are unable to interfere until the Titans are released or until the weapon is found. After the Titans are released however, the gods reappear and fuck shit up. At that point, It's all out warfare as the Gods battle the Titans, Theseus takes on Hyperion, and their respective armies battle each other. 

The Immortals is definitely a better movie than I thought it'd be. When this film first released, I figured it was going to look pretty but suck. Well it looks pretty and it's good. Admittedly, I could be influenced because I like Greek/Roman mythology, but this was a total dude movie that came in beneath the radar. I enjoyed it. Simply put, it's a visually awesome film with a clear storyline, brutality, and the super hot Freida Pinto.

Umm...Hmm...

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Brief

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Point Blank (2010)

After saving a guy during his shift, at the hospital, Samuel returns home to find assassins have kidnapped his wife and given him 3 hours to release the guy or she'll be killed. In releasing the patient, a criminal named Sartet, he learns that the kidnappers are in his employ and he was on the run from assassins the night he was hospitalized. Samuel tries to trade Sartet for his wife but as he tries to make the swap, the would be assassins show up to finish the job. The police are hot on their trail as they manage to escape again only to find themselves involved in a deeper mystery and potential conspiracy.

Point Blank is a decent French action thriller that neither enhances nor ruins the genre. There are a few twists that do help to keep you interested, however. Some people have compared it to Taken. But...that's just dumb.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Jumanji (1995)

When two kids play an old magic board-game they found, they release a man trapped for decades in it and a host of dangers that can only be stopped by finishing the game.

It's been years since I watched Jumanji. Watching it again recently, I realized that it's a fairly dark film. A man is sucked into a board game for 26 years, a young girl is deemed psychotic for telling people that story, his family is dead, there's a man hunting him, and sadistic animals wreaking havoc throughout the film. But I enjoyed it then and I enjoyed it now, especially now that I can appreciate the darker aspects of the film I wasn't able to notice before.

I know some of you are saying, "Flicks, How dark can this movie be? It's a family adventure. You're over exaggerating."

Hmm...Am I?  Here's a direct quote from the film:

You think that mosquitos, monkeys, and lions are bad? That is just the beginning. I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares. Things you can't even imagine. Things you can't even see. There are things that hunt you in the night. Then something screams. Then you hear them eating, and you hope to God that you're not dessert. Afraid? You don't even know what afraid is. You would not last five minutes without me.

And he's giving that speech to a little kid.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Surprisingly, none
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Anvil: The Story of Anvil (2008)

Documentary follows the Canadian Metal band, Anvil, on a European tour and as They try to raise the money to complete their 13th album. By proxy, it also Provides a look into their lives both before the music and now.

Anvil has been together for nearly 20 years. Rock is their life and they live it without any of the fanfare their brethren receive. But the work on this album is assumed to be their absolute last ditch effort to reach fame and fortune. The film frames their struggle as "make or break," as no one says or admits it, but this is more than likely their last big chance.

What We Learn:

• Anvil is one of the most influential metal bands
• They still perform concerts.
• Metal is big in Europe. 
• Anvil has been active for nearly 15 yrs. 
• Musicians openly acknowledge their talent and awesomeness.
• They are seriously down to earth.
• They take vacations from their real jobs to tour and play.
• Anvil is big in Japan. Seriously.
• Universally recognized by musicians almost unknown by everyone else

Anvil is basically the story of two friends, the band they formed, and the fame/money they seek to validate all they've been through and sacrificed. I seriously didn't even know that Anvil was real. I had to look them up. 14 studio albums to date and they are credited as the influence for many of the great metal bands today. They feel that they haven't had good production or management and that's probably true. Where they once played stadiums and arenas they now play dive bars and small clubs.
Thing is, they love playing and the band is their life. As their situation unfolds, The film becomes a study in perseverance. By the end you'll want to see anvil succeed because anvil wants and needs to succeed.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? No
Explosions? Of stress
Nudity? No

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Batman: Year One (2011)

A wealthy playboy and a Chicago cop both return to Gotham City where their lives will intersect in unexpected ways.

After the death of his parents, Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham City only to find nothing but filth and corruption.  It is his intention to clean the city, yet admittedly, he isn't ready yet. He needs a symbol that will strike fear into people. Suddenly, a bat appears and the rest as they say is history.

Lieutenant James Gordon is new in town. After being run out from his previous police gig for turning in corrupt officers, he's looking for a fresh start in Gotham. Like Mr. Wayne, he only finds filth and corruption. Treading carefully, he avoids the corruption but is finally pushed too far after his wife and son are threatened. In his quest to clean up the city, Batman runs afoul of the police department and Gordon who has been assigned to stop him. Fairly quickly, he finds Batman's true identity, but after Bruce saves his son, an alliance is formed and you know the rest of the story.

Batman: Year One is essentially a two in one origin story explaining how Bruce Wayne became Batman and how James Gordon became Commissioner of Gotham.
It was a decent film overall, but i wouldn't say that it was one of the best Batman stories ever told. In this film, Gotham City was one of the worst cities. Not only was crime running rampant, the police were also corrupt including the commissioner. In this world, Batman was basically a rookie and I will admit that was interesting to see. Plus Gordon is a badass dude.

"It's been a long time since i had to take out a green beret."
[Then tosses the gun and gives him a bat so it's a "fair fight"]

The "Batman's a dick" line of the film:
None. In this film, he was a rookie. He didn't quite get into "Dick Mode" yet.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Wave (2008)

To give his students a real-world example of how dictatorships can grow powerful, a high school teacher starts a social experiment that gives some of his students a strong advantage while leaving others subservient and powerless.

After a discussion in which his students reveal that they believe another dictatorship could not rise in modern day Germany, a teacher creates an experiment to show just how such an event can occur.

They discuss what is needed to create such a thing:

• A leader
• A respect of authority
  
• Discipline
  
• Social conditions ( high unemployment/ inflation/ depression) must be met.
  
• Extreme nationalism.
  
• A uniform
  
• A salute
  
• A logo
  

And it grows wildly.

As the week progresses and the experiment continues, more students are buying into it and have even taken to recruiting others. After a wild night in which the kids paint the town with their logo, it becomes apparent to a lot more people that things are getting out of control. When the teacher tries to shut it down however, they all receive a crushing blow that will change their lives forever.

 The wave is actually a pretty good film. Somewhat Based on a true story, this German version it holds more weight given their history.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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