Shark Zone (2003)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Zone***

A man must hunt down ferocious sharks that are threatening a small beach community.

**Sidenote: I didn't actually feel like writing about this film, so I decided to live blog it. It was a Game time decision, but I think I may revisit this format in the future. Let me know what you think.**

In 1792 a Ship from Spain carrying diamonds and other goods capsizes after a storm at sea and now that this has been explained, we can start the real story.

1. On a tour vessel, 6 people are ready to dive.
2. Douchey guy is easily going to be the first victim.
3. Nice rack on the douchey guys gf though.
4. Touching family moment #1 father and son bonding before the dive.
5. Finally in the water and not only has the douche blatantly ignored the leaders warning to remove his necklace, he goes off on his own ignoring orders to stay together.
6. Touching family moment #2 father and son discuss how proud they are if each other.
7. Douche And friend find an abandoned ship and go to explore. They also find a Family of hungry sharks.
8. Gasp! They're all dead! Yet, somehow the son escapes!
9. We pick up in S.F. 10 years later. Now a grown man with his own family, And hot wife!) he watches the sea wistfully.
10. They take a boat to sea during a rainstorm and they are attacked by sharks.
11. The hot wife is dead! Oh the humanity!!!
12. Ooh no. It's Only a dream. Whoo.
13. Meeting to discuss a festival. Bleh. Talking.
14. They ask him to go back to the death site in search of jewels. He flat out refuses.
15. Not even 30 minutes into the film and we've reached the part where the hero warns of the danger and he's summarily dismissed. is it wrong to expect lots of bloodshed later?
16. Hero v Mayor #1: "I know your dad's death weighs heavily on your mind. But I'm asking you, and I'm paying you to get him out if your head for the summer." Douche. Let's see if he dies later.
17. Touching scene #3: He takes his son to his father's gravesite and explains to him how awesome he was. Then they discuss how much they hate sharks.
18. Beach shot. Little kids, hot women, high wasted Bikinis and finally our first titty.
19. They try to pull everyone out of the water, but the sharks are many and that are too fast. They feast and yes. Lots of blood is shed. (Called it!) The sharks show up, wreck shop. Leave. This movie might actually be decent.
20. Hero meeting with Mayor v. 2
    "The beach stays open!" If the festival doesn't happen, it'll be worse than a shark attack! [It'll be 9/11 x 1,000.]
21. He leaves the mayor's office and recruits a team with the intention of hunting the sharks.
22. Before that, he goes home to console himself in the arms of his hot wife. She's being all hot and supportive. Tears are shed. Then she takes him to bed. After some lame dialogue we cut to the next day as they apparently are too good to get busy for us on film.





23. The mayor is in cahoots with a mobster who threatens to pull his support (money) if our hero isn't out there taking him diamond hunting by the end of the week.
24. The hunt is on! The plan is to tag every shark that they can't kill.
25. He stays on the boat while the sharks attack and manage to get through the cages and feast on the hunters inside.
26. Oh man, they just used the same scene twice.
27. The sharks are smarter than they seem and they have destroyed everyone. Once again, he can only sit and watch.
28. Realistic shark physics? That shark was really working to get that body down its throat.
29. Meeting with the mayor v.3: Beaches will be closed.
30. While the hero drinks away his problems with about 8 shots + beers, we get our 3rd and final titty shot as a young couple goes diving in the banned waters. The sharks, of course, are not too far away.
31. The mobster meets with our hero, but he stands his ground. He is not going to help. Mobster promises he'll return... soon.
32. Meeting with his crew the mobster makes plans to kidnap the hero's son. The ransom? A diamond expedition.
33. Out at sea, we get hints of another impending shark attack. You can tell because this movie seriously uses the same scenes. Quite brazenly.
34. Thing is, these sharks are doing nothing, but fucking people up and leaving. I'm starting to think that This is a legit shark attack film.
35. Because he needed a victory, not only did they save a victim, they also managed to land trackers.
36. Meeting w the mayor 4:  I can track them. I'm ready to head out and drop explosives. (Because that always works.)
37. Crappy dialogue preceded the bomb drops, but no one takes the time to say a crappy one liner.
38. Oh wait, there it goes. "Class Dismissed!" Get it? Because a pack of fish is called a school. Sigh.





39. Hero v. Mayor 5:
    M: "Are we drinking because we killed all the sharks? I'll have one!"
    H: "Well, the sharks may have had babies. We'll see..."
40. Mobster calls the hero's house with a fantastic investment opportunity. either He helps him get those diamonds or his family will be in danger.
41. When he meets the hero he offers him about $500k when he again refuses, he drops the bomb. The pilot who rescued him was his brother. Dun-Dun-Dunn!!
42. He says he'll consider it repayment if he helps and after another refusal, he has his goons kidnaps his son. From a school bus. In broad daylight. [That Don't matter, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.]
43. Getting the news from his wife, he assures her that he will save him and rushes to his rescue. Nice drifting on an old cherokee. The wet roads helped i guess.
44. On board the mobsters ship, he makes with the kung fu, but he is quickly pummeled by four guys and gets his shit stomped, but never wavers from his trash talk. Even with a boot on his back and guns in his face, he's all, "If you touch my son..."
45. He gives up the info on the diamonds, but gets to stay aboard the ship with the boss while the bad guys search for the gems. They boast about how easy it is and You know what they means. The sharks aren't too far behind.
46. Exactly 2 minutes later, the sharks are on their way and they show up precisely when the diamonds are found. One henchman gets skinned alive and it soon becomes a feeding frenzy.
47. Realizing that he may never get the diamonds, the mob boss threatens to toss our hero's son off the ship if he doesn't dive down and retrieve them himself.
48. Once submerged, he almost immediately he takes out the henchman #4 and climbs back aboard to deal with his boss. He's shot in the fracas, but still manages to kick him overboard and rescue his son who was apparently too much much of a bitch to save himself.
49. The Scene then cuts to hero and super hot wife aboard a cruise ship. Basking in the glow of a well earned vacation. He hallucinates seeing a shark in the pool. Then realizes it for what it is and laughs.

Boom. End credits.

Shark Zone, despite its cheesy dialogue, deserves no more than a 5. But for its three pairs of titty and the unrepentent delivery of blodshed and killer sharks I'm going to add another .5. I can't forgive the blatant use of repeat footage.  

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? Yes