Oldboy (2014)

The Cast:

• Josh Brolin
• Elizabeth Olsen
• Christopher Moltisanti
• Sam Jackson
• Bond Villain 46

The Situation:

On the night of his daughter's 3rd birthday, a self-absorbed, alcoholic salesman finds himself abducted and awakens to find himself trapped in a hotel room. It is nearly 20 years later when he's released and he sets out to uncover the mystery of why he was imprisoned and by whom.

The Resolution:

If you've watched the original, you know how this turns out. If you're watching this for the first time, you, like our "hero," may not like what you discover.

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Oldboy (2014) is an American remake of the beloved Korean film OldBoy With a few deviations here and there, it played surprisingly close to the original. As this one was being directed by Spike Lee, I was expecting a completely different film,  but it really wasn't that bad. Of course the original is better, but this wasn't "A Spike Lee Joint." If that makes sense to anyone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Booty. Man Butt. Fleece Johnson would be proud....And aroused.

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I Am Legend (2007)

Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure.

I feel like I should write more about this movie. But you know something? Fuck this movie!

It sucked so hard the first time i watched. But I thought, "everyone loved it, it really can't be that bad. you're being biased." So I watched it again, and I couldn't believe how much it actually did suck. I think people got caught up in the visuals.

  
These are the questions I have for lovers of this movie:

• Why/how is Will Smith's character a scientist?
• Why is it that he's the only one who can stop it? 
• If he really was that valuable, why would anyone leave him there by himself? 
• Was there really just one single solitary lion roaming New York City? 

 
This movie sucked so hard, but everyone was so busy sucking Will to notice.

I'm so over it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Evil Dead (2013)

Five friends head to a remote cabin, where the discovery of a Book of the Dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods. The evil presence possesses them until only one is left to fight for survival.

Spoiler Alert: Someone reads from the book.

On one end, I felt bad for the dude that read from the book because he got the brunt of all the attacks in this film. On the other end of the spectrum, he did ignore all of the warnings and read from the book thus directly causing everything that happened. Sooo, he kinda deserved it...

It had even rained blood at one point. I know Slayer must be pleased.

Evil Dead is both a remake and a new movie at the same time. There are enough homages to the original but this one quickly goes in it's own darker direction. I want to see where they go with the second film, although I doubt it will match up to this one.

Would I buy it?

I think the movie was solid. I wouldn't buy it though. There's something missing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it doesn't give me that "OMG, I have to own this film," vibe. Regardless it's still a solid flick and one of the better remakes.

Sidenote: I cannot give enough praise to the acting skills of Jane Levy. Whatever "IT" is, she has it. In this film she went from coked up teen to possessed demon to stone sober badass with what seemed to be very little effort and each phase was completely different.

 She's earned a fan. 

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Lorax (2012)

***I check movies listed movie***

A 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world.

The Lorax (2012) is a remake as it was originally released in 71.

I didn't think I'd enjoy this film but I found it refreshing that it didn't pander specifically to kids (or maybe it did and I still have some maturing to do). The more cartoony aspects started to fade the minute the first tree was lost. Once the forest was gone, it transitioned into a tale of environmentalism and greed with hope for a bright future.

One caveat, "only a guy who truly cares will be able to regrow the forest." That dude couldn't care less. He knew that getting a tree would increase his pussy potential and he was only trying to plant that tree so he could plant his tree. So was he really a hero?

That part bothered me, but In his defense, if I had a seed that equaled guaranteed pussy, I'd fight like hell to plant it and I guess having a forest full of them couldn't hurt either. Danny Devito did an awesome job as the Lorax. I couldn't really recognize any of the other voices and that was good because it allowed me to concentrate on the story without being distracted.

Out of Ten? 7

I don't respond well to heavy handed messages about environmentalism and capitalism. (I'm looking in your direction Avatar)

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dredd (2012)

In a violent, futuristic city where the police have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner, a cop teams with a trainee to take down a gang that deals the reality-altering drug, SLO-MO.

Metro City is overrun with crime. The High Council recognizes that they are losing the war and if the city falls, all is lost. In their desperation, they have pushed to recruit more judges. Among the class is a woman who applied for judgeship previously, but was denied. It turns out that she is one of the most powerful psychics and they assign Judge Dredd, a highly decorated and capable judge to partner with and evaluate her.

On their first assignment together, they investigate a triple homicide and find evidence that the head of a powerful gang may be involved. A routine assessment becomes a fight for survival as They attempt to infiltrate her building and take her down. She quickly locks it down and the only way out is to fight their way to and kill the queen.

God Save The Queen.

Judge Dredd is a decent film. Not terrible, not great. The reason I avoided this film was because I thought it would be too much like The Raid. After watching, I think that's exactly the reason it's getting the acclaim that it is. This movie is, The Raid, but set in the future and significantly less awesome. Judging on its own merits however, Judge Dredd was violent, gory, and it took no prisoners. I was definitely impressed with it's presentation. However, I lost interest towards the latter half of the film. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped caring. Maybe I'll have to watch it again, (and if I do, I will gladly update or do another review) but on first impression, I'm saying 6.5. It was an unnecessary knockoff. There just wasn't much there.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Hyper
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Piranha aka Piranha 3D (2010)

When an earthquake tears open the bottom of Lake Havasu, schools of carnivorous piranhas are released from their underwater lair, and the lake turns into a bloody, frenzied death trap for unwitting water-goers.

Spring Break in Arizona is threatened when a large school of Piranhas are unleashed after an earthquake. These particular piranhas are prehistoric and long thought extinct, yet the earthquake has apparently released them from their resting place and they appear to be headed right towards the party.

On a dive to the site of the seismic activity, a cavern containing many many piranha eggs are found. Once the search team is massacred, the threat becomes readily apparent to the sheriff, who has to now find a way to eliminate them.

Jerry O'Connell is the host of "Wild, Wild Girls," a girls gone wild type of video shoot that is responsible for the bulk of the titty. 

It doesn't take long before the first body is found, but the feeding frenzy doesn't begin until about 40 minutes left in the film. However, the wait is worth it and in the meanwhile, we're treated to tension building scenes, "Wild, Wild Girls" shoots and Spring Break with all the debauchery that entails.
Piranha is your typical, "drunken college kid orgy gets broken up by killer animal" film, which are good for blood, titty and death scenes. Having a bigger budget, we are treated to 3D, and piranha vision. That's about the extent of what this film adds to the genre. Yet it is still surprisingly enjoyable.

Adam Scott as an action hero?
Fish being tazed?
Piranhas coming out of people's mouths?
All of this plus titty?

Get the popcorn...and the beer.

 Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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The Sitter (2011)

A college student on suspension is coaxed into babysitting the kids next door, though he is fully unprepared for the wild night ahead of him.

Fat Jonah Hill is s jobless dropout slacker who is volunteers to babysit for his mom so that she can have a night out. He decides to take the kids out after getting a party invitation from his girlfriend. Along the way he runs afoul of a former classmate and somehow manages to draw the ire of a local drug dealer. Now he has to find a way to make three the party, shake the dealer, and get the kids in bed before their parents return.

The Sitter is a remake of Adventures in Babysitting, but with more swearing, more troubled kids, and less Thor. It definitely has it's moments, but overall its funny hah and not funny haha. That Rodrigo kid was a dick though and while it looks like he was cleaning up his act towards the end, everyone's treatment of him before then was totally justified.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Ghajini (2008)

After a vicious attack claims the life of his girlfriend and leaves him with a debilitating case of short-term memory loss, mobile phone mogul Sanjay Singhania sets out on a quest to bring down the perpetrators that have ruined his life.

It is quickly explained that a man suffers from short term memory loss after receiving an injury from an assault. Everyday he wakes up, he reminds himself, via notes and pictures, that his mission is to hunt and kill those responsible for his condition and taking the life of his lady. As the movie unfolds, The narrative transitions from a revenge thriller into a romantic comedy. Although this may be par for the course in India, as an international viewer, It's a little jarring to sit down for Memento and have that spliced with Enchanted.

The action part of the film is pretty much a direct knockoff of Memento. A tattooed, super buff guy with short term memory is out to hunt and kill the people responsible for his condition and the death of his wife. Sound familiar?

The romantic comedy part is pretty standard fare. She pretends that she knows him and says he's proposed. He has never met her, yet falls in love instantly when he does. No Bollywood movie is complete without a song and dance number and this film is no exception. 

At three hours long, Ghajini has a little something for both men and women in the same film.

 

Nip Slip.

 Out of Ten? 6

Long, but ultimately rewarding if you can make it to the end.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Definitely could have used some.

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Romeo + Juliet - 1996

Shakespeare's famous play is updated to the hip modern suburb of Verona still retaining its original dialogue. The gun-toting members of the families wage a vicious war on the streets as the star-crossed lovers fulfill their tragic destiny.

I'm going to state the obvious here...This isn't your daddy's Shakespeare.

After crashing a Capulet party, the Montagues are accosted and in the fray, Mercucio, Romeo's best friend is mortally wounded by Tybalt. Romeo kills Tybault in retaltion and we're off to the races. I know I don't need to rehash this story. Everyone knows it by now.  Rival families, forbidden love, bloodshed, suicide.

The movie is dope. It's gritty, it's modern, and by moving it out of its dusty ass contemporary setting, it puts a new spin on a classic tale. Not only did the performances of DiCaprio and Danes make the film, the performance of the entire cast and the new stylized nature makes the film breathable.

"Fetch my Longsword..."  Dope.

Romeo + Juliet was an awesome film and one of the few remakes or re-tellings that have surpassed the original. After being subjected to that same old stuffy Shakespeare version throughout school, this version will be like a breath of fresh air.

I can get with the updated version. Swords are now guns, clothing is (relatively) current and it takes away the boredom of the original. Mercucio and Tybalt are my favorite characters in this film. Fitting, because they are the catalysts who set this play in motion.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Beyond Scared Straight - 2010

'Beyond Scared Straight!' will once again show young offender intervention programs, only these have evolved since 'scaring teens is no longer as easy of a task.' Each episode will focus on a different prison program, following a group of at-risk teens and preteens going through the program and then catching up with them two months later.

Remember the old scared straight videos they used to show in schools? Basically a bunch of troubled teens were confronted by inmates who were in their position at one point in life. Look at the little kid in the poster. He had know clue what he was getting into and he was just posing for a fucking advertisement.

In this series, the spirit is the same, yet the delivery is different. Instead of everyone meeting in a neutral studio setting, the Teens (both make and female) are sent to a correctional institute where they become inmates for a day and receive a crash course on life in prison and each episode gives you a bit of background on the youths, (namely who they are and why they are there) and at the end you get a quick follow up as to their current situation (at the end of production).

The show makes a case of who is in a better position to help the troubled youth? Parents, prisoners, or government? Overwhelmingly, the answer seems to be both prisoners and a taste of prison life. These kids think they are on top of the world. Nothing can touch them, no one can tell them anything and they can do whatever they want. Damn the repercussions. The inmates give them that hard dose of reality that their parents, for whatever reason, have been unable to provide. The guards contribute too and often, yet they aren't as impactful as the prisoners.

The male inmates are pretty straightforward. "I was like you, I effed up. I don't want you to make the same mistake. You're not tough." The stories with the female inmates, however, are the bread and butter of this show in my opinion. Female inmates are ruthless, they look like dudes, and yet because they are women, they can still be nurturing when it comes to helping the teens stay on the right path. Diabla, Green Eyes, and everyone else in there take great strides to help these kids. But they make certain to let the kids know that if push comes to shove and they do end up in the system, they will be owned.

Do you want to get on the wrong side of Diabla? 

My only real gripe with the show is their heavy anti weed status. On one hand, weed really isn't that addictive and it isn't an out and out life ruiner. (2 out of every 10 smokers become addicted.) On the other hand, when you do start so young (some as young as 12 in this show) it does has a higher chance of impeding your decision making, as presumably, you wouldn't have developed that will power as of yet.

Also, the prison experience has a tendency to "break" some of the younger kids. Like the kids that are aged 8-13 really have no business being in the program. 1) Their minds are too young to comprehend why they are even there in the first place and 2) they are waaay to easy to break. And once they're gone, they are way more likely to become withdrawn and enter the system themselves as they get older.

Anyway, enough talking, here are some clips:

Solid series. I think the show is awesome. You can't beat the entertainment value of a "tough as nails" teen reacting to 20+ dudes calling him a bitch and telling him that his ass in danger.

Beyond Scared Straight airs on A&E and season 1 may be available on Netflix Instant Watch.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Straw Dogs (2011)

L.A. screenwriter David Sumner relocates with his wife to her hometown in the deep South. There, while tensions build between them, a brewing conflict with locals becomes a threat to them both.

Sigh...
If you'll indulge me, I'd like to take a moment to discuss James Marsden and his typcasting.

Marsden, who I'm sure is a nice guy in real life, has been playing pussy characters since his film debut. dude is officially typecast as "pussy male #1." Let's take a brief look at his filmography:

Straw Dogs - Pussy Writer
X men - Pussy Superhero
Superman - Lois Lane's pussy husband
27 Dresses - Pussy love interest
Enchanted - Pussy Prince Charming

Are you sensing a pattern here? I can't be the only one.

Oh Yeah baby, put it in. Daddy likes...

Whoo. Thanks for that. Had to get it off my chest.

...for the Ladies...

Moving on, the movie was okay, just plodding along and not being significant. Then they introduced a bear trap. The minute I saw it, I know out would come into play. he asked to have out wall mounted. My excitement grew exponentially. Someone's head was going through a fucking bear trap!!! But no. in another letdown, the trap was taken off of the wall and slammed on the villain's head. Wtf? I can tolerate that, but He's still a pussy. granted straw dogs was not a horror movie, but as revenge/self defense fantasy, why not go all the way and shove his fucking head in there?

Oh hey, look its James Woods. And he's in a little hat:

Out of ten? 6.5

Very, very slow build, but when you reach the climax, shit picks up quickly. tensions finally boil over and violence is the name of the game.


Violence? Yeah, but boy do they ever they make you wait for it.
Explosions? No.
Nudity? Teased, none delivered

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Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - 2011

A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.

 Check the trailer:

If I had watched this trailer, I might have know what I was walking into

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The Crazies - 2010

Uh oh. A remake of a George Romero film. This can't be bad can it? We're batting .500 so far...(Dawn of the Dead)

As a toxin begins to turn the residents of Ogden Marsh, Iowa into violent psychopaths, sheriff David Dutton tries to make sense of the situation while he, his wife, and two other unaffected townspeople band together in a fight for survival.

As I said before, this is a remake of The Crazies brought to you by the very Romero in [year]. Can this movie stand on its own, absolutely. Is it really any good? Well yes and no. The cast and characters are well done.
Timothy Elephant (Oliphant) as a cop always works and everyone else fills in their roles equally. The only real issues that I noticed were the writing and direction. I still don't know where they were going with this movie and what were they trying to do? But you know what? When shit got real, I did not care for any of that. I suspect you won't either.

The movie just has this "decent B-Movie" feel, and you may walk away thinking, about how much better it could have been with a better story.

Out of Ten? 6

My advice: Watch it in B-Movie mode, watch for kills, watch for the military, but please, please, don't watch because you expect it to be "good."


Violence? Those motherfuckers are crazy.
Explosions? Maybe, not that crazy...or are they?
Nudity? Well, let's not get too crazy here...

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3 Reasons You Suck...

 

...A-Team edition


1) Ridiculously over the top Action. Seriously, have you seen the
trailer? At one point, they are shooting down planes while falling
through the air in a tank. *sigh*

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3 Reasons You Suck...

           (via)

...The Karate Kid (aka Karate Kid Black around here)

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