Green Lantern: Emerald Knights (2011)

 

As the home planet of the Green Lantern Corps faces a battle with an ancient enemy, Hal Jordan prepares new recruit Arisia for the coming conflict by relating stories of the first Green Lantern and several of Hal's comrades.

The energy being known as Krona has unleashed shadow demons upon the universe. For some odd reason he wants to destroy the universe with anti matter. The guardians have taken precautions to save their history and order the lanterns to look into the rift that they came from.

Emerald Knights is essentially an anthology of stories that attempt to shed some light on the history of the Green Lanterns and a few of the more important members of the Corp. The not so subtle goal of the film is to essentially spell out what it means to be a part of the Lantern Corps. They do this by telling these stories to a new recruit, Arisia. An energy being, long ago banished by the the Lanterns, tears a whole in the sun and intends to come through. Their home planet OA is evacuated and these stories are told while they are on guard duty and trying to contain the breach.

Looks like she just had a breach in her pants.

 

From the DC animated studios comes a second movie about The Green Lantern. Including the main, there are six different stories and they all feature a lot of action and information. But I couldn't help feeling that this was  more informational than helpful towards the Green Lantern franchise. The bulk of people buying this are already fans and know the history. Don't get me wrong, I liked Emerald Knights, but I kinda wanted a full length lantern movie, not six short stories.  Whatever, I guess.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Street Fighter IV: The Ties That Bind (2009)

 

Some of the best fighters in the world have gone missing. Guile and Chun-Li, Interpol officers, have taken up the case, believing Bison and his shadow organization, Shadowloo, are the culprits. Along with Cammy and the British Special Forces, they discover that Ryu is the centerpiece of a plan to create a new biological weapon using humans as explosive devices and set out to reach him before the bad guys. 

Seth, evil corporate mastermind, has been kidnapping and experimenting on fighters because they are masters of Ki, yet Ryu is his Holy Grail as he believes his experiment/weapon cannot be complete without the dark power he keeps inside.

  Mmmm, sweet delicious evil...

All roads leads to Ryu, who has been wandering the globe, fighting off the Dark Ki and searching for his life's purpose. He eventually comes across C.Viper, who has been assigned to track him down and she baits him into using the Dark Ki by kicking the shit out of Cammy. She quickly splits when she realizes she's about to die, leaving Ken and Sakura to clean up the mess. The final battle takes place aboard a yacht, with Ryu taking on Seth while attempting to keep his Dark Ki in check. 

Hulking out

Street Fighter IV is a quick and dirty, action filled movie. It had been a while since the last street fighter film and while I don't love it, I did enjoy it. My only real gripe is that for a movie with the characters from SSF IV, the only new character was C.Viper. That was kinda weak. But it really was a quick film, no cliffhangers or bullshit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Posse (1993)

A group of mostly black infantrymen return from the Spanish-American War with a cache of gold. They travel to the West where their leader searches for the men who lynched his father.

I watched Posse because I didn't think I had seen it. But I had. Just not from beginning to end. While the cast put on fine performances, I was still disappointed overall (I'm looking at you deebo). Posse was a decent film, it just didn't captivate me.

 Side Note: An ensemble film about negro cowboys and two of the most famous negro actors you could get at the time were Tone Loc and Big Daddy Kane? 

Also, Billy Zane dies in almost every movie he's in. Just sayin'

Read More

The Sorcerer and the White Snake (2011)

After herbalist Xu Xian weds a woman who saved him from drowning, he discovers that she's an incarnation of the 1,000-year-old Madam White Snake.

Jet Li is a monk, well, sorcerer I guess, who's been battling the the White Snake, a bewitching demon. After a quick opening scenes battle, he manages to defeat her and trap her in a spiritual rock. Years later, an herbalist nearly drowns and is saved by a mysterious woman. It turns out she's the reincarnation of the white snake and the sorcerer attempts to either recapture her or kill her, much to the herbalists chagrin. After she's taken out (spoiler alert!) He tries to break her out and when danger befalls him, she essentially does the same.

 I would do anything for love, but I won't do that...

At its core, The Sorcerer and the White Snake is about love. Specifically a  forbidden interspecies love between man and demon. It supposes that humans and demons are capable of going to extended lengths for love. Outside of that drama, it also has awesome visual effects and Solid kung fu action. But it loses points for a random talking rat demon(s).

 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Paul (2011)

Two sci-fi geeks take a pilgrimage to America's UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

 Nearly any movie starring Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost is worth a watch. This one adds Seth Rogen as the titular (hee hee, titular) alien, Paul, who stumbles into the pair as they sight-see in Roswell, NM. Of course the Govt is trying to get him back and well, hijinks ensue. I'd say Paul was pretty well done and a film I'd easily recommend. Plus Nick Frost with hippie hair? I'm in.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Zeus is pissed that someone has stolen his lightning bolt. Since the brothers cannot steal each other's powers, he automatically believes that Poseidons son is the culprit. He gives Poseidon 14 days to return it, or he will declare war.

Percy Jackson is what he believes to be a normal high school teen who happens to suffer from dyslexia. He lives with his mom and deadbeat stepfather in an apartment in NYC.

Everything changes for him on a museum field trip. His teacher changes into a fury, his best friend is revealed as a guardian, and the tour guide was a keeper of a huge secret. Turns out that even his mother is in it. When they finally break it down for him, his mother reveals that he is a demigod. The son of Poseidon and a mortal.

Although he vehemently denies it, Everyone is after him because they have been led to believe that he has stolen Zeus' bolt. Hades kidnaps his mother and holds her for ransom. He intends to use the bolt to break out of his prison and rule Olympus. Percy basically decides "fuck that, I don't have the bolt anyway" and sets out to gain entry to hell to retrieve his mom. Along the way, he grows into his abilities, finds the bolt, the true culprit and reconciles with Poseidon. 

Sean Bean as an immortal? Unfathomable.

How did I miss this movie? The Lightning Thief is a pretty darn good movie. The visual effects are dope and the comedy breaks up the ridiculousness. I'm digging how they've taken Greek Mythology and blended it with present day society. (Olympus is accessed from the empire state building, the entrance to Hades is in Hollywood California, etc) and there's a fucking Minotaur.

What I didn't like was how they had about 10 days to find the bolt and 

1) Percy really didn't give a fuck about that. He was only in it to save his mom. (It basically landed in his lap)
2) they drove from NY to CA (with a stop inbetween in TN) and still had enough time left to lose 5 days in a drug induced haze.

Ridiculous.

Then they stole a Maserati (the logo is a trident) and Rosario Dawson showed up in a corset and I just about forgot my whole damn argument. 

 Oh. My. Zeus.

Check out the noticeables in the rest of the cast list: 

Brandon T. Jackson 
Sean Bean [Immortal]
Kevin McKidd [Rome!!!]
Steve Coogan [Rock Me Sexy Jesus!]
Melina Kanakaredes
Uma Thurman [The Bride]
Pierce Brosnan [The Bond]
Catherine Keener

Joe Pantoliano [Matrix!!!]

And no one mailed in their performance. Uma Thurman killed it as Medusa. 

Fuck it, I'm a sucker for Greek Mythology. Percy Jackson is the shit. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Sector 7 (2011)

While searching for valuable petroleum deposits off the coast of Korea, an oil riff crew encounters a terrifying sea monster.

Not much goes down until the monster shows. Just a bunch of Koreans living on an oil ship, waiting to strike gold. A lot of the early stuff is just to establish characters and character relations, but it drags.

Having not found oil, They are ready to abandon the mission but resident tomboy and resident hardass, Cha Hae-Jun, stubbornly refuses to quit and actually manages to get a few more months tacked onto the project.

Things start to pick up after one of the crew members dies of an apparent suicide. Hae-Jun gets an uneasy feeling and begins to search the ship. Something leaps out of a cabinet and makes its way through the ship. Killing at random.

[Funny thing is, if she had allowed them to abort the mission, they wouldn't have ever faced the monster. They would have lived awesome stress free lives. But they stayed and you know what eventually revealed itself. Ah Well.] One of the crew survives an attack and alerts them to the fact that there's a monster on the ship. In the middle of a storm that seems to have knocked out their power, the remaining crew have no choice but to seek out and destroy the monster if they aim to live.

This monster looks like something out of Resident Evil

What we know (about this monster)

• It's a product of bad CGI
• It's sea based
• It has a whip like and barbed tongue
• It's blood is flammable but fire pisses it off.
• It can climb walls
• Super thick skin
• It may or may not be attracted to oil
• Although it was found in underwater, it was bred in a lab.

 

Sector 7 is a decent movie,  It's a popcorn flick. Something to throw on and watch when there's no other options. It's entertaining, but I'm really not a fan of the monster. It just looks wrong. And crappy.

I like sea monsters, but If I should ever run into one, you best believe I'm gonna make sure I'm carrying about tree fiddy

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Hot Coffee

How the infamous McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit and similar cases were exploited as part of a right wing crusade to weaken civil justice.

I'm sure you're familiar with the world famous hot coffee lawsuit in which a woman buys coffee from McDonald's and burns herself when she puts it in her lap then sues and wins. On first listen, you just assume she was being a dumbass, and people, in general, are more receptive to things that are in line with their own beliefs. i.e. "she spilled coffee on herself and sued and won. Clearly it's bullshit."
But what if I told you we were all being intentionally misled?

That coffee was 190°. She required multiple skin grafts and was never the same after. The kicker? She didn't even want to sue. McDonald's offered her a paltry $800 and a hearty pat on the back. It turns out that there were numerous people who reported being burned and each time, McDonald's would just shrug it off. The jury awarded her a large sum, partly for her bills and partly to spite them. They were responsible and willfully negligent. The rest, as they say, is distorted history.

 

 Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse is an org created by the corporations.

Hot Coffee reveals the facts of this case and how the corporations have used their influences to skew our perceptions for many years, making us believe whatever they are selling and keeping corporations out of court. Four cases are presented concerning different situations which are each connected by corporations which have control of the media and have flooded money into the judiciary system in an attempt to limit consumers rights via Tort Reform which would limit the liability of a company and how much it has to pay in damages for fucking up.

I have to admit that Hot Coffee really changed my opinion on a few things. Namely that it wasn't actually frivolous and that lady really did receive really fucking nasty burns from her coffee. (They showed them. She was like 70)

While a lot of documentaries are clearly biased, I'd say Hot Coffee presented itself fairly. Its aim was not to take sides, but to make you aware of the issue(s) and show you how it can affect you. It takes a documentary like this to get you to open your eyes. I was one of the millions who believed that that specific case was frivolous due to a corporate friendly media campaign. There are and will always be frivolous lawsuits, but McDonald's had several previous complaints about their coffee and dismissed them all. This case was real and it changed the course of consumer rights and corporate responsibility.

If anything, Hot Coffee teaches you what you should already know, there is way too much money and corruption in politics. In addition to that do not blindly believe everything you hear. Do your research. 

Violence? No
Explosions? Of corruption
Nudity? No.

Read More

Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)

A gang of bank robbers fight their way out of a zombie-infested London.

At a construction site, two workers unearth what appears to be a tomb, sealed by order of King Charles in 1666. Exploring it, they find a pit full of human skulls, two of which re-animate and take their lines.

On the other side of town, two brothers plan for a bank heist. They first deliver to a care home for meals on wheels and introduce one of the best characters ever, their grandfather, Ray. He's a tough old bloke and a badass. At the rest home, the zombies attack, but are beat the fuck up by Ray, who quickly takes charge of the situation. At the bank, they actually recognize the threat as zombies and react accordingly. The kids run back to save their grandfather and his friends by extension.

Highlights:

• They make reference to the running/sprinting zombies from the other films. Essentially calling it stupid.
• Not only does the dude have a zombies mouth hanging from his wrist, he kicks a zombie baby right into an "anti child violence ad"
• There's a hilarious slow speed chase between one of the old guys and the zombies at home
• Zombie hooligans fight even when they're dead. "They [still] can't stand each other!"

Cockneys Vs Zombies is a very entertaining film and an awesome blend of comedy and horror. Zombies are overdone, but whenever they put a new twist, it catches my attention. In this film, it was old people versus zombies. Especially after they are brought guns and arm up. Especially Ray, who as I've mentioned is a beast. And i want him to be my grandpa. It's completely unexplained just how and why Katy is such a badass, but it doesn't matter, because she is also a beast.  

Violence? Yes
Explosions?  Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Starlet (2012)

An unlikely bond forms between 21yr old Jane and 85yr old Sadie when they cross paths at a garage sale. Seeking to spruce up her room, Jane hits yard sales and picks up a few items. One of those items is a thermos that she plans to turn into a vase. When cleaning it out she finds stacks of bills and nearly immediately goes on a shopping spree.

Feeling guilty though, (after buying her own shit of course) she attempts to return it, and trying to gauge whether or not she should give the money back, she tries to hang out with the woman to get a feel for her situation. They eventually get closer as the days go on, but then, drama as they prepare for a trip to Paris.

Starlet is like a feel good story. Somewhat. As far as a story about an adult film star who finds about 10k I'm a thermos at a yard sale then befriends the owner out of guilt and eventually develops a legit friendship and has that sacrificed by a former friend on some high school shit then has a falling out with the old woman as a result and eventually reconciles can be. 

The film came with the promise of explicit content and I loves me some explicit content. (Heh) So I watched it specifically for the explicit content and stayed for a pretty decent story. The explicit content occurred at the half way point and it wasn't very explicit either. (Or maybe I'm just a freak?) Also I think I just like to type explicit content. Explicit content. The movie was alright though, but the ending completely threw me off. I hate endings that are open to interpretation. That's such bullshit and you will always lose major points for that.

 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Porn star sex doubles

Read More

Frostbitten (2006)

A mother and daughter move into a new house in a new town as the mother has gotten a job with a world renowned geneticist who is secretly using his job as a cover to both contain and advance a brewing vampire plague. In secret, he's been creating an experimental a pill that he intended to be the next step in vampire evolution. The pills induce vampirism in those that are unaffected and contains the virus in those that are.

One of the junior doctors, finds a pill and takes it like a true junkie. Soon after, he breaks into the doctor's lab and steals the rest, which are stolen from him by one of his junkie friends looking to score for a party. They are introduced as party favors and are eventually put into the punch for everyone to consume.

By the time they've turned and eaten everyone else the police are ill equipped to deal with their numbers and the door is left wide open to a third lost boys sequel.

Frostbitten was okay, but just that. You can see the influences of certain American films, (lost boys, daywalkers) but the cool thing that they added to the genre is glowing red eyes and sequences in the dark where that's all that can be seen. That was a pretty good visual effect. But outside of that and maybe a few comedic scenes (namely involving a garlic braised dinner) but I found myself a little bored. It's worth a watch to see how they handle the genre in other countries, but it isn't a must see.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Collector sets

***Needless to say, this refers to collector' sets that you can get ON SALE. Paying full price for any collector's set is never worth it.***

The thing about buying collectors sets, is that they often include some piece of shit sequel/prequel that you don't want. So the question becomes, "Is it worth it?" And by that I mean, "Can I stomach paying for and actually owning this bad film?"

Well, depending on the film series, I say you're allowed (at most) 2 bad films in a collectors set. I break it down like this:

3 film set = 1 bad film
4 film set = 1 bad film
5 or More films = 2/3 bad films.

It's all about averages. And most films offer about one bad flick per series. Once you get 2 bad films, the value of the set decreases and you aren't getting your money's worth. ie, you are actually wasting money buying crappy films and you'd do better buying them individually.

The question is, are you getting enough value with the set to justify buying that bad film? In my opinion, the answer to that depends on the movie(s), the design of the set and any promotional material and special features that come with it.



For example:

Hellraiser.
Not every movie in that series was good. But I love, love, love, this box set. Look at its design. See how it tries to distract you from that fact that one, or more of these movies sucked? It's a goddamn puzzle box. That's so dope. 

via (horrordvds.com)

The Avengers

Love the Blu-Ray box set, but I'm not a fan of every movie.(Iron Man 2, Ed Norton's Hulk, Avengers) But the set comes in a S.H.I.E.L.D. briefcase. Again, dope. It's a six disc set, and according to my theory, there were guaranteed to be about 2 or 3 that I don't like, so I'd buy this set.



Spiderman

via (comicbookmovie.com)

Let's look at this logically. The first Spiderman was good. Second decent and the Third was outright trash. 

You could spend the money on this box set, but why even bother allowing the third movie into your house? Such a lame design as well. I could stomach one bad film, but I would only buy 1 of these and that would be Pt. 2 if he didn't take off his mask so fucking much.

Die Hard

Via (dvdextra.hu)

I like John McClaine. He's a good dude. But the Die Hard series needs to stop. On the surface, this looks like a fantastic box set. But if you drill deeper, you'll see why I wouldn't pick it up. Yes it comes with a book, and a complete behind the scenes disc. But, it also comes with Live Free or Die Hard, A Good Day to Die Hard, and to a lesser extent, Die Hard 2: Die Harder.

Anyway, those are just a few examples; Two good and two bad.  Ultimately, it will come down to if you like the films or not. You are guaranteed to think at least one of the movies in a box set will suck though.

You're welcome to prove me wrong.

Read More

The Bay (2012)

This grisly tale of horror follows events in a seaside town as a deadly menace invests the bay and turns residents into hosts for mutant parasites.

After the media reports of what happened are shown, a woman recounts her story of what actually happened 3 years ago amid a massive government cover-up. She was present first-hand when the events unfolded that wiped out the town of xxx and She's telling her story to a news blog, not for fame or fortune, but to spread the truth. With the help of archived footage, she presents the story and fills in the details of the day.

When I saw that The Bay was centered around parasites, my first thoughts were "I bet one of them goes into someone's ear. Why do parasites always go in through the ear? That shit is so not cool."

Luckily, none of that happened. The parasites are present, but they don't actually appear for a while. In the meanwhile, we're privy to a character study of a whole town that is quite literally destroyed from the inside out and having that story told for the first time. The way this movie is presented is weird though. As I mentioned earlier, it's a combination of video footage and narration that is both very ambitious and definitely original in presentation.

The Bay is actually a really creepy film, and one of the best found footage films I've seen as it uses its production to set the ambiance perfectly. You only see the parasites like twice really, but they are an effective plot device and everything comes together without too many loose ends. Also, you'll watch this and know it's just a movie, but I wouldn't be surprised if you swore off of water, Maryland, or the Chesapeake Bay for a bit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

Read More

Video Game High School (2012)

***Update: This movie is a compilation of a web series that recently began airing season 2. There may be a sequel in the works... ***

In a world where professional video gaming is the biggest sport on Earth, hapless young gamer Brian D gets the chance of a lifetime: to sharpen his skills with the best of the best by enrolling in the most elite private gaming academy in the world.

After killing the top gamer on live tv, Brian D gets an invite to the VGHS where graduates usually become pros and make money. He soon finds himself the target of the top gamer, the principal, and Matrix, The Law's girlfriend. 

Directed by one of the premier graphic artists on YouTube and with appearances by Harley from Epic Meal Time and Zachari Levy from Chuck. I can see why VGHS is an internet favorite. The movie cuts flawlessly between real life and game life, has multiple references toward gaming culture, is funny and looks good.

My only surprise is they didn't blatantly set up a sequel.

Trailer:

Violence? Fantasy
Explosions? Fantasy
Nudity? Only in my personal fantasies

Read More

RED (2011)

When his peaceful life is threatened by a high-tech assassin, former black-ops agent Frank Moses reassembles his old team in a last ditch effort to survive and uncover his assailants.

RED is an action comedy based on a graphic novel. With the news of RED 2 being released soon, and hearing nothing but good things about the first, I figured that I might as well catch up on the series. The basic premise is that a retired super agent is targeted by the agency and sets out to discover why.
Along the way, he gets his old team together and they battle agent Cooper. The current super agent who is tasked with taking them down.

This is Bruce Willis at his most Bruce Willis since Die Hard. Backing him up are Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Dame Helen Mirren and Mary Louise Parker as his love interest.

Everyone in this film puts on an equally comedic performance and they are clear badasses with weapons. And unrelated to anything, of all the older broads I'd smash, Helen Miren is definitely atop the list.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More

Battle: Bigfoot (2012) vs Sasquatch (2003)

I don't think I've ever seen a Bigfoot movie outside of Harry and the Hendersons. I saw these two on Netflix and figured I'd kill birds with stones. I did a comparison and holy black on a Popo, did Bigfoot suck.


The Poster

On first glance, I would give this to Sasquatch. He looks more menacing. Plus any incarnation of Bigfoot should never ever be that far out of a forest. 

Winner: Sasquatch.

The Plots:

Sasquatch: After finding the mutilated bodies of the crew of a downed plane in a forest, a rescue party realizes there's something deadly in the woods with them.

Bigfoot: After Bigfoot unleashes his wrath on music lovers at an outdoor music festival, crunchy granola peacenik Simon Quinn vows to save the Sasquatch.

Uh, they are both equally terrible. I can't give a victory to either of them.

Winner: Neither.

The Cast:

Sasquatch: Lance Henriksen, Erica Durance.

Bigfoot: Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Andre Royo, Sherilyn Fenn, Alice Cooper

Pfft. As much as I want to hate on BonaDouchy, there is really no contest. Not only did they get the Partridge and Brady families together, they got Bubbles from The Wire, and Alice Cooper too.

Winner: Bigfoot.


The Monster:

 Bigfoot:

Sasquatch:

The monster in Bigfoot was an atrocious Computer Generated hairy turd, that only hot larger as the movie went on.

The Sasquatch -outright- looks like the offspring of a Sasquatch, a Viking and a zulu warrior. But he still looks better than that other crappy version.

Winner: You tell me which one looks more like a "missing link." Sasquatch


Monster in Action:

Bigfoot: Bigfoot was a rampaging beast. All he did was run amok and eat people. And grow.
He also has tunnel vision and a taste for human blood. 

Sasquatch: Sasquatch was a thinking man's monster. he only killed for revenge and he tried to mate with a human female. He watches from a distance and torments them from afar. Even going so far as to frame a deer for his actions.

This one was tough. I'm all for reckless monster killing, but no matter how many heads he ate, the Bigfoot really was terrible. Sasquatch dragged a woman through the woods, and then killed her when she rejected him. If that isn't horny male behaviour (Yes, with a "u") idk what is.

Winner: Sasquatch


Defeating the Beast:

Bigfoot: Goes on a rampage that ends with him, the heroes and Roosevelt's face being blown up at Mt. Rushmore.

Sasquatch: Sasquatch revealed himself and stares at the remaining guy. The story ends there. an epilogue reveals that although they knew he was real, they denied his existence.

Winner: Bigfoot. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an actual ending.


Final Tally/Thoughts:
Although it was close, Sasquatch pulls it out 3-2.  Sasquatch was easily the better film. Bigfoot was like the worst of all killer animal bad movies. I just wish I could give negative stars as a score. From the graphics, to the audio, to the dialogue and even the cast, i don't think there's a single redeeming quality to this film. Syfy has done way better shit than this. They were clearly mailing this one in. AND, how the fuck does a Bigfoot turn into the Scrappy Doo version of King Kong? To top it all off, they teased me yet again, with a Gatling gun. Fired for 2 seconds. Again, I need more. 

So since Sasquatch is a better film, it'll get the score.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

Read More