Bikini Spring Break (2012)

Franny, Zoe and the girls leave their small-town, conservative college for a national championship competition in Florida, but their rivals are fierce. Will they be able to pull it off despite all the roadblocks in their way?

A school marching band is in the locker room getting ready to march at a game. After a camera is introduced, the girls have their bare boobs plastered all over the jumbotron at the school. Soon they receive the news that they are going to nationals in Florida, during spring break.
On the way to Florida, their bus breaks down and they are told they will need about 3-4k to replace the engine. So then the film launches into a "lets put the girls into sexy situations so that they can make that money" film. (Including jello wrestling.) Eventually their coach catches up to them and he reveals that they have no shot at winning because they aren't going there to perform, they going there to be laughed at, as a result of the jumbotron incident from earlier. The girls decide to go anyway, as making it to nationals has been the point of the film. When they're done there, they decide to head back into town for more jello wrestling.

Bikini Spring Break is as the title suggests, a spring break movie. You already know what to expect, and the film certainly delivers. The only real difference? The girls are in a marching band as opposed to being cheerleaders.

Shhh. Don't debate me on semantics. Here are some pictures:

 Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? There were tits from the opening credits

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Bruiser (2000)

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Roast of Flava Flav (2007)

Notorious rapper and reality television star Flavor Flav is given the business, Comedy Central style, in this totally uncut and uncensored roast hosted by "Roast Master" Katt Williams.

Hosted by Katt Williams, the roasters included:

Jimmy Kimmel
Patton Oswalt
Ice-T
Snoop Dogg
Carrot Top
Lisa Lampinelli
Bridgette Nielson
Jeff Ross
Greg Giraldo
Sommore

Every single person on the dais got at least one big laugh, including Carrot Top and Bridgette Nielson who while also being the weak links, provided the rest of the crew with the necessary ammo to keep the the show going. Plus, anytime you have Ross, Giraldo and Lampinelli on the same dais, you're gonna have a good time.

Top to bottom, The Roast of Flava Flav is one of the best roasts in modern times. Flava Flav is like one of those gifts who keeps on giving. and is a perfect target for this type of event.

Out of Ten? 8.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Site Update

On the suggestion of a coworker (not to mention with a little competitive prodding on her part), I've recently joined icheckmovies.com and I figure it would be a good thing to integrate it into this blog. For those unaware, icheckmovies is an online database which allows you to keep track of every movie and or TV show you've ever seen. They have official lists of certain movies and you can earn awards for completing a list. (It should be known that I have problems with "greatest movies" lists. The bulk of the films on them are crap because people like crap. The others are just too old, but I figure this should be fun. I've always wanted to know how many movies I've seen.)

Going forward, I do not aim to go out of my way to watch any of the "most liked" films but if I come across them, I'll watch and, indicate that it's a listed movie in the review. I figure this should (at the least) offer some diversity to the site and give you guys a break from all the crappy B-Movies I've subjected you to over the past two years.

You can catch me on there as MoviEALD.

*you can read her stuff over here. There are some good day in the life stuff and observations, and above all else, it is entertaining.

Go. Go now!

Oh, expect a site redesign sometime in the near future. 

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Tales From the Crypt: Ritual (2001)

Stripped of her license when a patient dies, Dr. Alice Dodgson moves to Jamaica and accepts a job ministering to a man suffering from encephalitis...and claiming to be hexed by voodoo curse. As Alice is drawn into the world of the supernatural, she finds her staunch belief in science put to the test -- and her life put in danger.

Not a lot happens in this film, so I'm going to wrap this up quickly: A disgraced doctor heads to Jamaica to help a man, who can't be helped by traditional medical science. She learns that he is beset by hoodoo, a form of voodoo, and while trying to learn, uncovers a sinister plot and fights to save both their lives before the stakes get too high.

Using this film as an educational model, this is what we've learned:

• In Jamaica, not only will you find voodoo. You'll find hoodoo, and all types of doodoo.
• There will be a fake possibly over-exaggerated accents.
• Everyone in Jamaica carries a machete. Everyone.
• Machetes and shovels are their only tools.
• When you work on a plantation, all there is to do is stare at each other and use your machete to whack at shit aimlessly.
• The police are corrupt (They're just like us!)
• Apparently the uniform of white people in Jamaica is khaki pants and a white button down.

Caro, the supersexy assistant makes this film. I think every scene she's in is sexy as she was indeed Jamaican me crazy. (Yeah. I went there.)  The doctor's Tighty Whities also make an appearance and both are definitely appreciated.*Tigh-ty-White-ees!! Clap-Clap. Clap-Clap-Clap*

Ritual's first mistake? Not including the shows iconic theme song or even the Cryptkeeper himself. It's basically a "Tales" movie in name only. It's second mistake? Being boring and predictable.
Watch at your own peril.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Titty. Apparently there is a lot of titty involved in hoodoo.

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Deadheads (2011)

Undead slackers Mike and Brent are reborn as part of a major zombie outbreak in this gore-happy comedy that also serves as a love story. While searching for Mike's missing fiancée, the two monster pals find themselves quarry for bounty hunters. 

A man wakes up and fights his way out of a lab that looks to have been destroyed by an accident of some type. He manages to find a farmhouse and while attempting to gain entry, he sees a zombie at the door and flees. Eventually he runs into another man, Brent, who like him, can talk and explains to him his predicament. They are zombies and have been undead for about 3 years and are in Colorado.
Figuring he needs a drink, they head to a local bar. There, Mike finds an engagement ring in his pocket and suddenly remembers his girlfriend. The duo decides to travel to Michigan find her and make things right. Before they can do that however, they'll have to escape the bar, which has been overrun with zombies and avoid the government hired negro who has been sent to bring them in.

Deadheads is billed as a zombie comedy love story. As we all know, zombies have been done to death, (hah) yet a zombie love story is definitely unique to the genre. It's not a flat out love story, as it's supposed to be a comedy as well. On the comedic side, it is funny ha, but not funny haha. Unique to this film in particular is the badass hero who just happens to be negro. Of course he's an ex con, but you can't win them all. We all know they tend to die fairly quickly, but this one made it.
I was impressed.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Rites of Spring (2011)

After plucking a young girl from her wealthy parents for ransom, a band of kidnappers find the tables are turned as their hideout winds up being a house of horrors. The abandoned school is haunted by a chilling curse that resurfaces each spring.  

What was the point of this movie? The reason for the sacrifices were implied, but not much else was explained. Who or what was the monster? Who was the old man? Is it confirmed that the little girl got got? Why was that guy targeted in the first place? Exactly who's plan was this? Will there be a sequel?


Rites of Spring left me with way too many unanswered questions. That's unforgivable.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Faculty (1998)

Many teens think their teachers hail from another planet -- but what if it's true? Herrington High students notice that faculty members aren't quite themselves, and discover an alien infection they might not be able to stop.

The Faculty is actually a pretty good film. I've been trying to breakdown just why this film was successful though when from all accounts, it should have flopped. I realized that it sticks to a simple premise:

US vs Them. A timeless, classic concept. To make it stand out, Robert Rodriguez places it within the context of an Alien Invasion. Look at it this way, teens have always (illogically) battled their authority figures, only now, they have a solid reason for doing so. Their lives are literally at stake.
There's even a scene ripped off from The Thing, where they sit in a circle and try to determine who is infected. I can never be mad at a good homage. Plus "Titbags" is apparently an insult.

Anyway, everyone is in this film. Check out the cast list:

- Salma Hayek (So hot)
- Josh Hartnett (Squinty Mc Squintsalot)
- Clea DuVall (That Girl #1)
- Famke Jensen (Jean Grey)
- Bebe Neuwirth (Frasier's Wife)
- Robert Patrick (T-1000)
- Elijah Wood (Frodo!)
- John Stewart (Fuck Fox News!)
- Jordana Brewster (That Girl #2)
 - Christopher MacDonald (Shooter McGavin!)

Oh, and Usher is the token black guy AND he is acting tough because he's a football player. I want to punch his face. Just knowing that he is responsible for the White Plague (Bieber) is enough. No jury would convict me.

Final Thought(s):

Why oh why, do parasites always have to enter through the ear?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? A lil bit o' Booty

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Martin & Orloff (2002)

Mascot designer Martin Flam is down in the dumps, tired of his isolated existence and unsatisfying job. But when he fails even at killing himself, he turns to therapy as a last resort for a second chance. Unfortunately for him, his doctor, Eric Orloff, appears to be unhinged himself, only Martin doesn't know this yet. In the end, however, a little insanity may be the perfect ticket out of Lonelyville.

Martin Flam is a costume designer who is filed with guilt after an job related incident. After returning to the office following a suicide attempt, he is given work on a new campaign for a shady client who may or may not be responsible for the death of a previous costumed mascot. He has issues with this assignment but doesn't speak up for fear of losing his job. As part of his recovery, Martin is also assigned to see Dr. Eric Orlaff, a somewhat unhinged psychiatrist who "doesn't subscribe to any specific school of psychiatry."

Throughout his unorthodox therapy, Martin develops a reluctant friendship with Dr. Orloff and each day brings a new situation. The time spent together helps him to realize that he should not do work he doesn't believe in and he needs to stand up for himself. This revelation brings Martin face to face with his boss and client for a climatic showdown which even includes a Jon Woo Face/Off reference

Martin and Orloff is a light comedy about an odd couple friendship between a stuffy suicidal man and his impulsive psychiatrist. Initially, the only reason I watched this film was because of Jon Benjamin, yet I was pleasantly surprised by how entertaining it was.

Out of Ten? 7

It's entertaining, but it isn't for everyone.

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Bring It On (2000)

A popular cheerleading squad is exposed as frauds after they are caught ripping off another school's routine. With the big competition approaching, the girls will have to prove they're worth all all of the accolades they've received.
 
Bring it On was The first big cheer/ dance film. Its success led to 5 sequels and almost all of the dance flicks that are out today. Thing is, all of that shit sucks and I hate it for that.

Why I like this film is simple:

Cheerleaders
Short skirts/shorts
Eliza Dushku
Gabrielle Union
Spirit Fingers!!!

For what it's worth, I enjoyed this film. Mainly because of the above, but also because they showed the amount of work that goes into their training and routines. Plus, I cannot deny the high, high comedy that is...Spirit Fingers:

Anyway, the original Bring It On is worth checking out if you're trying to find a film you can sit through with your lady or anyone that likes dance. Either way, you get to see Gabrielle Union and Eliza Dushku shake their asses.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Quick and the Dead (1995)

Lady avenger returns to western town owned by a ruthless gunslinger hosting an elimination tournament....In the west, you're either quick or you're dead.

The Quick and the Dead is hands down one of the best films of the Western genre. There's a coherent story, there's gunfights, and there's lawlessness all strung together to make a solid flick. While Sharon Shtone headlines, the bulk of the work is done by Gene Hackman and a young Leonardo DiCaprio. Plus, let's not forget that Russell Crowe is in this film too.

So to sum things up:

A list cast + balance between action/drama + gun fights + the wild west = a solid western and one you should watch.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

Axe-wielding Angela returns for more gore in this third installment, which finds the crazed killer chopping up participants at a retreat that brings together rich and poor teens. Posing as a camper, Angela joins the culturally diverse group -- but as expected, the camp's feel-good philosophy escapes her. She soon goes about offing her fellow campers, an exercise she finds much more enjoyable than bonding with them.

Apparently Angela really loves to camp and a year after last year's events, Angela is back at Camp New Horizons after quickly killing and impersonating one of the newer campers.
This years camp intends to promote harmony and unity amongst both the rich and poor kids who are attending and one of the camp counselors is not only a cop, but the father of one of the boys killed in the second film. He was also the officer who arrested her at the end of the first. He doesn't recognize her because as he so helpfully explains, although her exploits have become mythological amongst the camping community, no one has any idea what she looks like and her juvenile records were destroyed after she turned 18. He also admits that he'd kill her if he ever met her.

Angela racks up her second kill as soon as she gets to camp, and by the time it takes to read this sentence, she's already killed three more campers while musing, "Why did I think this year would be any different?" (I laughed) Eventually she runs afoul of counselor cop and being cornered by him she reveals herself, and after he's named all the ways she's previously killed, he asks, "what's next?" And the answer is simply, "a gun," then she shoots him dead. (I laughed again.)

 After playing a game with the last three campers, she attempts to do something nice and leaves one untouched while she flees the camp. She is arrested after a short struggle in which the camper manages to stab her a few times. In an ambulance, Angela manages to kill her way out and open the door for the fourth sequel we've all been begging for.

Sleepaway Camp 3 is for obvious reasons the third film in the Sleepaway Camp film series. This film, like it's predecessors, is also a cult favorite. A key factor in this film is it's dark humor. It knows what it is and what you want and it doesn't take itself that seriously. In fact, it takes itself less seriously than its Sleepaway Camp II, but I think therein lies the problem. It has exhausted all of it's mojo and without starting fresh, I think this series has gone on as far as it possibly can. Or maybe not. Jason, Freddy and Michael were all one note characters who lasted many films. But there's just something about these films that just doesn't seem to resonate as well. *shrugs, sips beer with raised pinky*

 My favorite exchange comes from this token: 

 What's your favorite movie? "Well, I like ones with tits and blood." Hmm. Yes. Irony. 

There's a new kill to add to the list as one of the campers is blindfolded, hoisted up a flagpole and then just dropped. Amazing.

The soundtrack continues to be amazing and overall, Teenage Wasteland is not as put together as Unhappy Campers(part two) but still serviceable as a sequel.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes. Oh hell yes.

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Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

Five years after a series of horrifying murders left Camp Arawak looking like Armageddon, the killer returns to the scene of the crime to work as a camp counselor. But since Angela Baker looks like a normal, everyday 20-something, only she knows what she's truly capable of.

After the events of the first film, Angela manages to return to the camp some 10 years later as something like a misguided morality counselor, except completely insane. All she wants is for her campers to be happy and have fun. That's not too much to ask for, why is that so hard? Why are teenagers so difficult?!!!

During the opening scene, the events is the first film are rehashed through tales told over a campfire. And after disposing of her first camper for being disrespectful everything is smiles and sunshine, until the next few cross her path. Her cover story is that she has been sending the unruly students home. After a while, a few of the remaining campers start to piece together what's happening. Things start to spiral out of control for Angela as the body count rises and they get closer to the truth.

Sleepaway Camp features 2 some of the most non-sex sex ever filmed and the dialogue and killed kills are both comical but not over the top. The one exception being, the unfortunate camper who was drowned in an outhouse. (Thats just wrong,) Sleepaway Camp Two is one of the best B-movies. Ever. I don't understand why I waited so long to watch this movie. It's really a work of art.
There's also a staged battle between movie monsters and a classic scene of one upsmanship as two kids show up as Freddy and Jason intending to scare Angela. She shows up dressed as Leatherface and quickly gets chainsawing. One dude is impaled with his own Freddy claws.
The movie is almost worth it for that scene alone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes. Straight-up Titty Son!

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Butter (2011)

When a gifted butter sculptor announces his retirement, his ambitious wife sees her hopes for future fame -- and the presidency -- melt away. She sets out to take up the mantle, but soon learns how cutthroat the world of pro butter sculpting can be.


[In this review the main character, Destiny, will be henceforth known as Butter.]

Butter carried herself well and had a presence. She actually seemed "wise beyond her years," As they say.

The cast list overall was surprising and both Alicia Silverstone and Jennifer Garner rose from the depths of celebrity oblivion to remind us that they still exist and are competent actors.

Oh hey, did I mention that Olivia Wilde plays a foul-mouthed stripper. Think about that for a second.
Wait. Fuck thinking. Here's a  pic.

 Besides the Heavy handed message, of the film, (believing in yourself/general optimism) Butter was actually a fun and charming. I don't think I'll ever get the appeal of butter artwork, but like they so readily admitted, "White people are weird."

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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FDR: American Badass (2012)

After contracting polio from a werewolf bite, FDR won't stop at single-handedly ending the Great Depression and prohibition. With the help of a team of historic figures, he must claim victory in World War II by defeating an army of Nazi werewolves.

 
Did you know that Werewolves can infect people with polio? FDR did, and he killed one anyway, but not before being bitten on the leg. But it's okay though, because as he is quick to remind you, his cock still works. Did you know that the Axis of Evil (Germany, Italy, and Japan) were werewolves with a plan to take over the world with their kind? Well that'd be our fate if it wasn't for old FDR.

Drinking. Smoking. Straight West Coasting. FDR was a badass. 

Hot on the heels of that Vampire hunting president is the tale of another badass statesman, Franklin Roosevelt. I would have much preferred Teddy but then we wouldn't have gotten to experience that awesome machine gun wheelchair, The Delano 2000.

I actually liked this film. Understand that I don't plan on buying The DVD, but I enjoyed it none the less. I'm entertained by simple jokes and low brow humor and this film had it all. Polio jokes, people shitting in vases, Werewolf Hitler AND Deon Richmond (who is awesome.) Plus it looked liked they had fun filming this. That's always bodes well for films like this.

It just worked. For me. You may not like it and I can't blame you. I was entertained, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes. Because why not? His cock still worked.

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