Death sentence (2007)

Nick Hume is a mild-mannered executive with a perfect life, until one gruesome night he witnesses something that changes him forever. Transformed by grief, Hume eventually comes to the disturbing conclusion that no length is too great when protecting his family.

Kevin Bacon is not a badass. Bless his heart though, he really tries here. Death Sentence over reaches and tries to force you to care about his family, so when he hurts, you hurt and when he kills you cheer. I hate being force fed emotions. That shit turns me off as a viewer. I expected better. Shit, I started to cheer for the gang after a while. Logic being, the quicker he is killed, the quicker this crap ends.

Plus, I refuse to believe that Kevin Bacon can go From happy feet to packing heat and be intimidating. Don't get me wrong, there is obviously a story in between, but Death Sentence does not tell it correctly.

  

                                     

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No

Nudity?  No

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Space Jam (1996)

Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.

After the Toons are challenged to a high stakes basketball game, the villainous Swackhammer, creates a team of ringers and steals the talent of several NBA players, ensuring his teams victory. So what do the looney tunes do? Kidnap Michael Jordan and get him to play with their squad. (duh!) Reluctant at first, he agrees when he realizes that he's the greatest player and he gets to spread his dominance all over the faces of the Monstars (especially since they were actual NBA talents and he gets off on that.) So what happens towards the end? Jordan is Jordan, wins the game in the clutch and becomes a goddamn toon in the process! Dude was a beast!

All Star Squad!!!!

• Space Jam had done what no other movie could at the time; combining the talents of three different assholes, finding a medium and adding music to create a fantastic experience.


• Michael Jordan - Hands down one of the greatest NBA players ever and no so secret asshole.


• Bill Murray- one of the greatest comedians and not so secret party crasher/sarcastic asshole.


• The Looney Tunes - great animated Comedy Team, headed by Bugs Bunny one of the most recognizable and sarcastic asshole characters in existence
• Basketball - the only sport that goes hand in hand with Michael Jordan. You could do a AA baseball movie, but fuck you, Hitler. Let's not remember that bullshit.


• The Quad. City. DJs. - have you ever rode the train?! The Muthafuckin' choo-choo train?!!

There was no way this movie could not be awesome. Failure was not an option. True, the Toon Squad had to cover for Jordan's acting inexperience but he covered for their lack of b-ball skills. Bill Murray on the other hand, took the the role of player/coach/one liner King. He was just happy to be there. Unsurprisingly, Daffy was jealous, but he stayed in his lane.

Overall, The Toon Squad did their thing. Bugs was distracted by Lola, but he managed to get his head in the game (first), and help in the victory. Plus, Bugs rapped over and killed a track. Idk how he convinced Jordan not to spit a quick 16, but he's a sarcastic winner/beat killer who also courted Jordan and is one of the most recognizable toons? You just know he got that victory bunny later.

There's also the Monstars Anthem, which as you know, is dope, but The Monstars were the bad guys. Smh.

Bugs Bunny Kills A Track:

The Monstars' Anthem:

The Space Jam: 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Sharknado (2013)

 

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature's deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

A Sharknado is the fusion of two of our greatest threats, sharks and tornados. For scientifically, unexplained and in general reasons that do not matter, a super storm occurs and culminates with a tornado that spits sharks at people and it's awesome.

I don't think you need it spelled out but, Sharks + Tornado = Sharknado.

It's such a ridiculous concept that it begs to be seen. Two things that people generally fear, coming together to create a super hybrid of mass destruction and fear. (Dibs on the band name!)

The genius of Sharknado relies in its simplicity to deliver on its promise. It's a shark filed tornado. And it is every bit as awesomely bad as one would hope. But, a movie like this can't just start at the main event, you can't go 0-60, you have to ease into it baby. Warm her up first, then get to the action.

Foreplay:

10 mph:

A swarm of sharks swim near a beach and feast on a few surfers and beach goers.
There's a super storm headed towards California. It is being reported as due to global warming.

Finn, our hero, phones his ex wife (Tara Reid) and tries to warn her about the storm.

"What are you taking about, we're 190 miles from the ocean.
You're exactly 6.6 miles from the ocean, You're not nearly far enough!"

20 mph:

A shark flies through a bar window and is killed by Finn's bar maiden, Nova, without anyone actually questioning what just happened.

Sharks are popping up all over the land.
A Ferris wheel gets loose and wrecks things.

Apparently a storm that throws sharks is the norm in California. Motherfuckers barely batted an eye.

"At least you have insurance"

30 mph:

The storm floods the town and sharks are literally swimming in the streets attacking everyone and everything in sight.

"That's a tiger shark.
       How do you know that?
   Shark Week."

"There's sharks out there, you don't have to go out there. There's absolutely no reason to go out there."

37 mph

Great White sharks are in Beverly Hills and attacking Finn's family as he tries to evacuate his daughter and ex wife. He sets out to rescue his son.

The media finally acknowledges that live sharks appearing in the streets is not normal. I repeat, not normal.

"This family never tells me anything"

42 mph

There's a bus load of elementary school kids trapped on a road and surrounded by sharks. Finn repels down and rescues them. It's one of those moments where learning rope climbing in gym would have come in handy. Inexplicably, a shark is also climbing up the rope.


50 mph

The wind picks up and the letters of the Hollywood sign come flying at them. Waterspouts have formed and from the distance, it appears that sharks have been sucked in as well.

"My mother always told me that Hollywood would kill me."

55 mph

Driving to the flight school where his son is hiding, a shark lands on top of the motherfucking jeep and nearly chomps it's way in.

The news reports that 3 Tornados have formed. And officials are blocking off the city.

They finally find the son and now that all the pieces are in place, shit can finally get real. The weather dies down and they decide to stand and fight the shark infestation. They arm up and also decide to drop bombs into the tornadoes.

60 mph:

It takes an hour of foreplay, but we finally have what appears to be a motherfucking shark filed tornado! The crew tries to bomb it to death and succeeds but then it rains sharks.

"We're gonna need a bigger chopper!"

They armored up and took to the battle like it was a zombie invasion.

70 mph:

A second tornado does the same but the sharks feast on their way down. And eventually end at an old folks home. Apparently, they were looking for aged steak.

80 mph:

The third Tornado refuses to be destroyed and Nova is taken out by a shark. Swallowed whole in mid air. The father vows to finish this and drives a bomb into the center of the storm. Sharks are flying everywhere.

99 mph:

This motherfucker Fin dives chainsaw first into a falling great white and cuts himself the fuck out! Here's the kicker, Nova is still alive because she was swallowed whole!

Sharknado is all I've ever wanted in a movie about shark filled tornadoes. It runs a little longer than I anticipated before the tornadoes, but this movie is fantastic. Finn is a beast. Tara Reid sucks, but her role is minimal, and everything else just works.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No. Sharknado was as naked and as raw as it needed to be.

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Sweat Shop (2009)

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

How could a movie with such an awesome premise shit the bed so thoroughly? 

I'm so upset with this film that I'm not even going to bother with a full review. I'm just going to give you the positives and negatives.

Positives:

• It wasn't even so much of a sledgehammer as it was an anvil with a metal pipe for a handle. That meant more destruction.
• In a locked warehouse, there were no shortage of volunteers. 
• Every bad movie has at least one scene that makes it worthwhile. In sweat shop, that one scene takes place in an elevator and involves head smashing.

Negatives:

•  Sledgehammer guy had help from two random creatures.
• He was skinning people with an anvil.
• You have to wait a while for the dude go on a sledgehammer rampage. Like, a "wait til the end of the film" type of wait.
• They cut away from the bulk of the smashings. That's an Unforgivable offense for a movie that's ABOUT A DUDE THAT SMASHES PEOPLE WITH A GODDAMN HAMMER.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of body parts
Nudity? Yes

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Bleach: Hell Verse (2010)

"Hell" is the place where a person is sent to who committed violent crimes when they were alive. Shinigami are forbidden to go there. One day prisoners revolt and make their escape to Karakura - the real world - where Ichigo and his friends live. Ichigo and his friends are defeated one after the other by prisoners with overwhelming power. A mysterious man appears who comes to their rescue. With Kokutou leading the way Ichigo, Rukia, Uryuu, and Renji march into Hell to save the world.

4 mysterious figures appear in karakura town and try to capture ichigos attention by taking his sisters. They claim to be trapped in Hell and will return them once he breaks down the doors so they can escape. Another figure from Hell appears and offers to help in his quest. In exchange, he asks ichigo to help him break the chains which bind him.

Bleach is a fairly simple anime to get into and the movies are all entertaining. Best part is that you don't need to follow the series to get into the films. They are pretty straightforward. I hadn't seen a bleach movie or even watched the series in a while, but I still remember the characters like I never left. Plus it had been a while since I've heard the "Number One" song. It's a good song and I'm happy to have it back in my life.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Hatchet II (2010)

Marybeth escapes the clutches of the bayou-butcher Victor Crowley and returns to the swamp with an army of hunters and gunmen, determined to end Crowley's reign of horror once and for all.

Hatchet 2 takes place immediately at the end of the first. Having barely survived Crowley's rampage, Mary Beth is rescued by a fisherman. When she reveals her name, he kicks her out and tells her that her father was responsible. He tells her to go see Reverend Zombie (Tony Todd) to get the whole story.

Zombie tells her that her father was one the people responsible for the death of Victor Crowley (implying that he kinda got what he deserved) and she has no logical reason for going back to the swamp. But she wants to go back to retrieve the bodies of her family and get revenge on Crowley. In her irrational mind, that shit makes perfect sense and honestly I'm so happy that she went back. I never knew how much I needed more Crowley in my life until I watched this film.

If you couldn't tell from the featured posts list, I love love love both new and fantastic kills and the Hatchet series consistently delivers.

Hatchet 2 like it's predecessor, is all about the crazy brutal kills. Victor Crowley is an artist. As you can see from the pic above, dude even has a comically large chainsaw that he can use to kill a two to three people at once. In between the killing we get comedy and the delightfully creepy Tony Todd (whom I adore). I skipped it initially because of negative reviews, but then I saw a trailer for Hatchet Three. That shit looks absolutely crazy. I'm so happy part two was on Netflix. Now I'm totally caught up on the series and my bloodlust has been sated.

I know I'm gushing, but what really won me over, was a reference to Glen Echo killer Leslie Vernon, a man who had his ascension to supernatural killer documented in Behind The Mask. With that reference, Hatchet 2 immediately became one of my new favorite films.

Violence? What type of movie do you think this is, son?!
Explosions? Only of violence. and blood.
Nudity? Titty manages to get sprinkled in at some point, but seriously, nudity isn't necessary.

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Armageddon (1998)

After discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas is going to impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep core drillers to save humanity.

You know, I forgot all about Eddie Griffin until I watched this flick again. And was that Mark "Hanging with Mr. Cooper" Curry? Wow. All this and Bruce Willis gets to play the hero while Ben Affleck gets to suck? Sounds like my type of movie. Turns out, as a big ensemble flick, this movie sucked but as a disaster flick, Armageddon is serviceable. It really didn't need to be as long as it was. It's very "meh" overall and left me with one question? How do you fire a shotgun while on an oil rig and not have shit blow up?

Violence? Hot Asteroid on Earth Action

Explosions? Pfft. Its a Michael Bay movie

Nudity? No

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Killer Girl K (2011) [TV Series]

After her mother is kidnapped and killed, a young woman who was (already quite bad ass) joins a shadowy group to get the revenge training she needs. When she eventually accomplishes that task, she wants to retire. But to do so she'll have to fight her way out of the company.


Killer Girl K/Little Girl K is an action filled Korean series. It doesn't break new ground, but it does look good and the fight scenes are well done.

             

Sexy. Bad Ass. Women. They even did an their own stunts.

Here's a fight scene that I think you'll enjoy. Decide for yourself if it's worth checking out or not:

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Stand Off (2012)

Unable to pay a debt to a mobster, Jimbo robs a fish market. But when he realizes the mobster owns the market, he goes on the run with his baby.

A young man named Jimbo owes local mobster, Mad Dog Flynn about 4k and is given 3 days to return the money. Upon seeing his kid, Mad Dog then revises the offer, and says he'll erase his debt if Jimbo gives up his son. Freaking out, he decides to rob a fish market, which unbeknownst to him, has ties to mad dog. In doing so Jimbo grabs a bag that mad dog will kill to get back.

Look at that poster. Seriously, look. I'll wait.

Now I've seen a lot of things in my time, but Brendan Fraser as a tough guy?  Ohh you must mean that Brendan Fraser from Ghana in Africa, right?  You can't be talking about The Mummy Brendan Fraser. 

You are?!

Seriously, This guy?!! 

I've never met a tough man named Brendan. The name itself is as soft as baby thighs.

With all that said, the first thing you should know about Stand Off is that, Brendan Fraser is not Jimbo nor is he Mad Dog Flynn. That means he's staying in his lane and not playing a tough guy of any kind. I'm still standing by what I wrote earlier because it's true. People named Brendan are not tough guys.

I feel like I should give Stand Off a proper review, but honestly, the film is largely forgettable. Yes It is a little darker than his usual films, but I watched it because of that poster. Again, guys named Brendan are not tough and should never ever be depicted holding guns. 
 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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A Lure: Teenage Fight Club (2010)

An undercover female cop enters Belmont High as a transfer student, after several girls in the area go missing. While trying to assimilate in the school, she and her new friends are lured into a place where they must fight for their lives.

There are five things that I feel like pointing out:

1) There's a secret underground fight club where kidnapped teens are forced to fight in life or death battles. A cop is sent in undercover (as a teen) and has to fight for her life to escape.

Actually, that's all you really need to know about the film, but here's some shit I found funny:

1) There were two women on the force. One looked like she could easily fit in with the kids at a high school, the other looked like she belonged on Dawson's Creek. Guess which one they chose?


2) After getting tackled during field hockey (seriously, they put her over a table) The Dawson gets up flips the table and straight up chokes The Rich Bitch, who's all, "use your words! Use your words!" I love a good table flip. The choke was a bonus.


3) At a party, two girls fight. Drunk bitch pushes a girl over a bale of hay and turns away to laugh. Then is surprised when the girl gets up and chokes her. "Ohh so we're just choking people now?"

4) After crashing the first party while looking for Dawson, her undercover bf leaves Drunk Girl and calls it in to his people to shut it down.

5) By the end, one of the girls is stuffed into the trunk of a car. Dawson manages to subdue the driver, and escape as the car right as it starts to careen into a lake. She didn't even try to jump in the water and save the other girl. No one even mentions this going forward.

Bonus:

6) A Lure tries to make up for that last scene with gratuitous titty and then immediately teases a sequel.

There's also this, the pic that got me to watch this crap in the first place:

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Dresden Files (2007) [TV Series]

 Sci-Fi series about a modern day wizard looking to do good to reform for killing his uncle with black magic. Aided by his family servant Bob, He sets himself up as a Private Investigator and helps the police with "unusual" crimes and cases that can't be solved by "conventional means."

I'll be the first to admit that this show isn't for everyone. But it is pretty decent. Some episodes drag, some pick up pretty quickly, but each has that combination of humor, magic and storytelling that can keep you watching through the better part of a season.

Apparently, the show is based on a series of books that the TV series ruined but it has somewhat of a cult following online.

Fan Made Trailer:

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Mutants (2009)

While clearing a house for supplies, a man is infected with the disease after a mutant is shot and explodes in his face. His wife, being an EMT packs him up and rushes off to get some space to fix him. She tells him that he has about three days, maybe less before he turns and tries to keep him alive and delay the inevitable while waiting for rescue. The tension increases as 4 other dangerous survivors find them, but despite all of that, it doesn't really get any better or worse until the end as their fortress is besieged by mutants and it becomes a true fight for survival.


Mutants was dull. It just seemed like not a lot was happening. This movie stuck to the standard script and didn't defer. What I did notice was the violent transformation for infected folk. It just looked rough.

I guess that's their contribution to the genre?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Iron Monkey 2 (1996)

Donnie Yen returns to fight off a deadly assassin named Snow Fox and aids a band of insurrectionists battling a malevolent gang of weapon smugglers.

Iron Monkey 2 is not an official sequel, which explains a lot. It's an Iron Monkey movie in name and Kung Fu only. In the time between the two films, The Iron monkey went from mythical robin hood like super hero to leader of the Chinese resistance.

The plot itself was/is simple but I found it hard to follow and that was probably because I was bored.
There was a lot of gunfire in this film. I hate martial arts movies with guns. It kinda ruins the setting and more importantly, takes me out of it. The best part about Iron Monkey though, was the flying guillotine. That weapon is so sick and definitely needed to be featured more.

The flying guillotine is the best part of any martial arts film. 

[Disclaimer: This is a scene from another film.]

The action in Iron Monkey 2 was fast and intense. When they did fight I mean. But Donnie Yen did not look interested, at least that's how I saw it. Second best part, They Molotov'd a dude in the climax. Kung Fu fight-- > Molotov-- > end credits.

That sequence almost made the film worth while.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Stitches (2012)

A clown comes back from the dead to haunt those who took his life during a fatal party mishap.

At Tom's 10th birthday party, his mother hires a clown named Stitches to entertain the party. Dude was clearly disgruntled but the kids were just as bad. I immediately understood his frustrations. But he did suck, so I get the kids' frustrations too.

Trying to make their own fun, they eventually tie his laces together and trip him. He stumbles onto the business end of a butcher knife and impales himself. He gets up and tries to stab Tom, but in doing so, he comically slips on his own blood and stabs himself again. But not before staring Tom dead in the eyes, burning his face into his mind and traumatizing him forever.

After the funeral, Tom follows some clowns into a crypt and stumbles onto some type of secret ritual where he's rather ominously told, "a clown who doesn't finish a Party can never rest in peace."
It's about 6 years later and, Tom and his friends are in high school. His birthday is coming up on the weekend and he starts to get that ol' eerie feeling. At the urging of his friend, He agrees to a party thrown at his house for his birthday. it doesn't cross into Project X territory, but it looks like a good party. At least until You Know Who reappears.
 

Stitches is hilarious. Part of the fun is that it doesn't takes itself too seriously. It really can't. The fact that this dude is a clown who can move around the house and kill unnoticed is ridiculous. At one point, This dude was on the phone smoking a cigarette and driving with his feet. I'm like, "Are all clowns this reckless?" (Don't answer that.)

At the end of the day, it's a movie about a zombie clown. It could only be better if he was from outer space, but I'll forgive that trespass, because a killer clown is still a killer clown and they are all horrible people.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of blooooddddd
Nudity? Blink and you'll miss it

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Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)

At the exclusive Crestview Academy, six students serving Saturday detention begin falling prey to a series of gruesome "accidents" at the school.

 
Six students, (the blonde, the rebel, the outsider, the token, the awkward nerd, the nerdy rich girl) are all serving detention for various offenses. The Outsider claims that the library has been haunted since the school took over Indian land and demolished it to build the library. She finally convinces them to have a seance and they place a bell there for the spirit to ring. It's all fun and games until it rings. Then shit gets real.

Ooh, just look at how bad those kids are. Those Hooligans!

Bad Kids go to Hell is the type of film that takes a few turns on it's way from A to B. Surprisingly, this actually helped. The story had to stay tight to pull that off and all loose ends were tied. I didn't really know what to expect as I went in blind. But after seeing the intro, I got hooked. Be warned though, there is some bullshit in the end, that had to happen for the ending to make sense, But it was really some bullshit.

Although it starts slow Bad Kids is a surprisingly entertaining film. I laughed fairly often, but it outright drags in some parts. If you like horror comedies, you may find this interesting.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Aliens (1986)

The planet from Alien has been colonized, but contact is lost. This time, the rescue team has impressive firepower, but will it be enough?

If you haven't seen Alien, shame on you, but you can jump right into this sequel w/ virtually no knowledge of the first. It is almost a completely different film. Aliens picks up whet the first ended, but this isn't as cerebral as the first. No subtle scares, no jazz hands, just straight alien vs military action. Aliens is where we get a true serving of Ripley's badassness. The Queen had  learned quickly that Ripley is no fucking joke.

James Cameron takes over the directing duties after presumably stroking his chin disapprovingly while watching the first. Aliens was one of Cameron's first films and definitely one that lends him the credibility that he wields today. Awesomely, there was a good balance between the story and the visuals.  If you haven't noticed, his movies are now close to 100% visual and I'm not saying that he can't tell a story, just that his visuals sell the story better than his scripts.  I hated avatar, but I can't deny that the man knows his visuals.

Watch the movie, it's good stuff. You may want to leave a light on. They mostly come out at night...mostly.


Violence? Fuck yea!
Explosions? Fuck yea!
Nudity? Fuck no!

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Iron Man 3 (2013)

When Tony Stark's world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin, he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution.

A quick synopsis:

The man with the biggest ego in the world has had it humbled by the events in New York. He's no longer a big fish in a small pond, he's a small fish in a huge pond and he doesn't know how to deal.

Tony and Pepper are in an official committed relationship, but he's a jerk and spends all of his time working on the suits.

His main villains (this film) are Aldrich Killian creator of the Extremis Technology and his number one arch enemy, The Mandarin.

In Iron Man 3, we get to see Tony Stark vs villains. Tony Stark the man as opposed to Iron Man the hero. Does the armor make the man, or does the man make the armor and other questions of that ilk are central to this film. Brace yourselves folks, there is a lot more existential drama in this one.

Sigh. I'm not going to say that Iron Man 3 completely sucked. But it was a dud in my opinion and totally shit the bed in the grand scheme of things. It was as if they glanced at the comics and built a story around certain concepts and completely disregarded their origins. They basically took everything that made the first movie a good comic book film and bastardized it in favor of an overblown big budget studio film. (Like part 2)

Just so you don't think I'm talking out of my ass, here's a list:

Anxiety - In Iron Man 3, we get to witness the battle of the century as Tony Stark battles... anxiety. Yes folks, He's - maybe for the first time ever-unsure of himself due to the events in New York and this manifests itself as panic attacks. ALTHOUGH HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE BIG FUCKING HERO MOMENT AND SAVED THE WORLD!!!

The Mandarin - The Mandarin was basically a puppet created by and used exclusively to further the white man's agenda. Because why?

Are you seriously going to tell me that Iron Man's greatest villain was reduced to this bullshit? Did you need to swerve your audience? That is some real and true bullshit. I figured something was up when Ben Kingsley was cast and not, you know, an actual Asian.

Could be worse I guess, at one point, Tony Stark's main villain was alcoholism.

Iron Patriot - War machine now works for the US government and has been rebranded as the Iron Patriot. (Comic book fans man recognize this as the death of the dream of the Civil War storyline, as marvel doesn't own the rights to Norman Osbourne.)

Pepper Potts - Gwyneth Paltrow has always sucked. Now she sucks AND has super powers?

Exposition via kid - I hate when movies rely on forced exposition in the form of a child. Tony was a complete jerk to this kid. He deserved it though. Smug bastard.

Extremis - A marvel of technology. Wireless, fluid, electric and involving nanotechnology if I remember correctly. In this movie it makes you burn super hot and apparently leads to:

Fire Breath - Aldrich Killian has successfully mastered the Extremis tech. As such, he can also breath fire.

The Ending - The film fucking ended with the dude basically throwing away the character. And then saying, "I am Iron Man."

*deep breath* 

YOU CAN'T BE IRON MAN WITHOUT THE FUCKING SUIT!!! 

I would love to give this a 1 out of pure nerd rage. But comic nerds weren't the primary audience. They never are. Putting that aside, I really really really want to say that it was good. At times, It felt like it wanted to be, but ultimately Iron Man 3 did just enough to earn a two.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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It Waits (2006)

A vengeful beast of legend had been sealed deep within a cave for more than one thousand years. Nearby in a remote forest outpost, young ranger Danielle St. Clair is struggling to confront dark demons of her own.

1. I watched this film for two reasons: I wanted to know what "It" was. And then, was "it" really worth the wait?
2. Whoa??? Are those Actual Indians??? In my Horror movie?
3. Aaannnnd they're gone.
4. They broke down the walls of a cave and explored the ruins. The pictures depicted a beast killing folk. Then he showed up to kill them. The absolutely stupid thing is that the warning was written on the wall inside the sealed cave and they had to get inside to see that warning. Pfft. Natives.
5. A forest ranger sits on the floor drunk, crying, listening to Sarah McLaughlin and being chided by her parrot. Her BFF was killed in a drunken car accident and she's been a wreck ever since. Unfortunately for her, she loses any real sympathy when it is revealed that the cause was drunk driving.
6. She hears a noise at night and goes to check it out. What she finds are huge scratches on the supply shed.
7. Talking with her friend/coworker, she says that she feels a darkness is coming and she may not be able to stop it. (Hey baby, how about you foreshadow those tits?)
8. He tries to tell her that is just survivors guilt but the foreshadowing is just too strong and refuses to be denied. (Unlike dem titties!) 
9. He spends the night and she reveals her deepest darkest secret. He was promptly rewarded with sex (set to country music) for being so cool/supportive. Fellas, there's a lesson here...
10. The Monster appears on the roof and sets off their alarm. He then tears up their satellite and flips a jeep just cuz. Luckily for forest ranger M, he waited until they were done. The Lesson here? Not even 1,000 yr old Native American cave monsters want to be cockblocks.
11. They decide to take turns watching the door waiting for it to strike again. In the morning they manage to escape and head to another location to radio for help. (It was a long night. But at least they got one in.)
12. In the forest, they come across a couple who are lost and too prideful to allow the rangers to help. They are very easily dispatched by the Monster.
13. Male forest ranger buries the bodies and tells her that it may be the same guy that killed those injuns. He convinces her that splitting up is their best course of action and he gets a slow motion walkaway. You know what that means...
14. ...So after he's killed, the Monster goes after Danielle who's now at the tower, solo. She survives, but finds Ranger M's head and shoulders at the shed.
15. After she buries him, she goes on the offensive...by dumping out cans and cans of fruit cocktail, which are supposed to be a crude early detection system. I hope. Or maybe she picked now to express her disdain for fruit cocktail.
16. She manages to fire off a few shots and in the morning, follows it's blood trail to the cave it escaped from. Somehow improbably, one of the Indians survived and explains to her the Monster's myth and history. He says it is drawn to negativity. She of course blows him off, but he insists she cast aside her logical mind, and believe. He gives her the full story and tells her to read it and he'll join her at the tower tomorrow.
17. This is what we know of the Monster: He's Indian, mythological, hunts negative energy, doesn't like water or fire and he's also like a cat that likes to toy with it's prey before killing it. Also, he can fly. 
    
18. She tries to make her escape during the rain but is confronted by the Monster who takes one good look at dem titties, and decides against it (It does sprout wings as a sign of an erection though) and flies off.
19. She manages to trap it in a cave and that also doubles as a metaphor for sealing up her personal demons as well.

Eye roll...

Buried in a cave is where I want to put the memory of watching this crap. Better yet, let's end this with an overly pretentious one liner:

Overall, It Waits was not worth the wait nor its weight as a film. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No. They wouldn't even give us that. SMH.

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Hold Your Breath (2012)

Friends on a road trip explore a cemetery where the ghost of a serial killer jumps from body to body, killing his victims one by one.

[According to legend, if a really bad guy\gal is buried in a cemetery, hell may not be able to hold them and they roam the grounds looking for bodies to takeover. This is why you are supposed to hold your breath when driving past.]

A Man is executed at the home for the criminally insane in 1956. He was a former priest and with his last words, he calls everyone sinners and tells them that they will all die, but not before killing a few more people while cuffed.

Every year on the anniversary of his death, his spirit runs free until midnight of that day.
Story then cuts to present day as a group of young attractive people load into a van and head for a weekend getaway camping trip high school reunion. Along the way, they drive past a cemetery and are implored to hold their breath as they pass, but the stoner dude tokes up and gets his body taken like Liam Neeson.

[I don't know who you are and I don't know what you want. But I've acquired a particular set of skills. Skills I've honed with years of toking up. If you don't release my body now, I will find you, I will roll you, I will light you up and I will smoke you.]

Satisfied that they passed the cemetery unharmed, the group decides to explore an abandoned mental asylum. The same one that gave Killer Priest the chair. It doesn't take long for shit to go down at the asylum, but they manage to escape and make it to the campsite.

 Katrina Bowden is in this, Sooo yeah. Also, She may look innocent, but she's actually kinda a bitch. And she runs funny.

At the campsite, Killer Priest jumps bodies and makes plans to claim another victim. One of the girls is kind enough to volunteer and this results in my new favorite kill of 2013:

[He ties a girl to a tree with barbed wire and has her hands tied with rope. The other end is attached to a car. He also has jumper cables going from the car to the barbed wire. When he starts the car, the barbed wire is both tightened and electrified and as the car is put in motion, it pulls her up the tree. Splitting her in half]

How does one top that?

You don't. Anything else would just taint it and the movie really did tank after that.

Hold Your Breath is a lot of Eh until Killer Preach starts killing and the caretaker shows up, attempting to stop him. Fortunately, they do grace us with TnA; which is always a useful distraction. One girl had buttcheeks peeking though her shorts. Outside of  that  and my new favorite kill, the caretaker was one of the best parts of the film. Dude was badass and not about to take no guff from no soon to be dead kids.

 "Kid you are about as confused as a baby in a titty bar!" 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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