Thor: The Dark World (2014)

When Jane Foster is possessed by a great power, Thor must protect her from a new threat of old times: the Dark Elves. 

The Cast

Thor - Human Loving Norse God

Odin - Asgard Loving God

Jane Foster - Thor Tarzan, Her Jane

Loki - Handsome Trickster God

Dark Elves - Yeah. They went there

The Situation:

A race called the Dark Elves had planned to bring the entire universe back into darkness. After their ultimate weapon, The Ether, was lost they withdrew from battle. Since its power was too great for it to be destroyed, it was ordered to be buried, where eventually  It was found by a group of kids on Earth. Investigating the phenomena is Jane Foster, who inadvertently awakens the Dark Elves from their slumber and with the universe being aligned soon, they are eager to pick up where they left off.

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To sum everything up in one paragraph:

Dark Elves exist and aim to bring about darkness. Their plans are stopped by the Asguardians. They hibernate and reawaken when their ultimate weapon is found. Since it happens to be on Asgard. They aim to kill birds with stones and destroy them. Shit gets real as People die and are exploded and Thor is now assigned to protect the peace and get revenge.

Here's what worked for me:

Loki is brought to trial for his crimes in N.Y. meaning Thor is a direct sequel to The Avengers.

Thor shows up and exits via rainbow force field.

"Ho-Lee Shit" -Kat Dennigs aka Lizzie Caplan with boobs

The Set pieces are amazing. This movie just looks fantastic.

The Cameo. [You'll know it when you see it.]

Here's what I didn't like:

For as pretty as it is, it really isn't that good of a film. 

Learning that one of the characters was quite a badass then having them die near immediately to further an already think plot.

The "strong female scientist" turns into a quivering mass of vagina as soon as Thor is around. I get the dude is like 93% muscle, but come on. And don't even get me started on

Randoms with unexplained super powers

The dialogue.

 

The Post Post credits scene.

Thor 2 is just as mediocre as the first, but neither are terrible films. They just aren't great. They look amazing. I posit that the film is actually hurt by Natalie Portman. There's no logic behind that statement, but whatever, this is my blog. 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes. Tons

Nudity? No

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Iron Man and Hulk: Heroes United (2014)

 

The Cast: 

• The Hulk - Big. Green. Hungry
• Iron Man - Super Rich, Super Smart, Super Arrogant Mech Pilot
• The Abomination - Hulk like mercenary 
• Hydra - Evil Scientists and Arms Dealers
• Thundarberg - Evil villain made of pure energy. 

The Situation: 

Evil villains want to use the hulk's power for their own ends. Realizing that he may be uncontrollable, they've decided to hire the abomination in order to bring him in. After a brief tussle, The Abomination brings the defeated Hulk to the hydra labs where they aim to use his gamma power top fuel their arc reactor.

Underestimating the Hulk's radiation levels, their machines overload and create a living energy weapon who seeks to destroy the world and drink all of it's energy. Aware of an immdiate power outage, Iron Man shows up to investigate and eventually teams up with Hulk (after fighting him of course) to stop the monster and save the world. 

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Things you should know going into this dreck:

• The Hulk can talk and think like an intelligent human being.
• The animation is like a mix of 3D, cell shading and CG. It actually looks pretty bad.
• Tony Stark is still a dick, but he just so happens to be training with his new Hulk Buster armor when all of this goes down.

Marvel has really shit the bed with this one and I hope they come correct with the Captain America/Thor Version. This movie absolutely blows. The story is crappy, the animation is crappy  and it's over an hr long. It's flat out terrible.

 
Violence? Animated
Explosions? Didn't I say it started with a fight between Hulk and Abomination?
Nudity? Only in Tony's Mind. 

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Iron Man: Rise of Technovore (2013)

The Cast:

• Tony Stark/Iron Man
• James Rhodes/War Machine
• Shield - Nick fury, Maria Hill, Hawkeye and Black Widow
• Bad Guys

The Situation:

The Howard Satellite, which was created by Tony Stark, is about to be launched. It's technology will allow SHIELD to monitor the full range of human activity all over the planet, with the intention of stopping crime before it happens.

On the day of the launch, a an armored group calling themselves The Raiders attack and try to delay the launch. They claim that their boss is a lot more technologically advanced than Tony Stark will ever be and Tony races off to confront him.

The bad guy is revealed to be Ezekiel Stane, son of Obadiah, one of Tony's first enemies. He calls himself, the future and says that people who place their faith in high technology deserve to die. His goal is to teach humanity a lesson about relying on technology and placing it on an altar. He aims to liberate people from technology by destroying their reliance on it. He also believes that Tony Stark is old technology and his is the new technology that will replace it.

[He also believes in sending mixed messages]

The Resolution: 

Iron Man saves the day. 

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Stray Quotage:

Stane: Technology and the people who give birth to it are nothing more than false idols leading society to disaster.

Tony: I'll make it up to you. How about I buy you a villa, with a whole support staff?
Pepper: You already bought me that last time you took my vacation.
Tony: Okay, I'll buy you a whole island then. I need your help.

Tony: I've worked with some shady people in the past

The Punisher: This has nothing to do with some rich idiot who dresses like a hot rod.

Tony: Don't do it, Frank. They're just following orders.
The Punisher: Don't worry, they don't need their kneecaps to breathe!

The Punisher: Next time Stark asks for help, I'm gonna put a bullet in him."

   

Rise of Technovore as a whole is kinda dull, but the cameos from the other marvel characters make up for a lot. The Punisher, in particular, is hilarious. The bad guy is Ezekiel Stane, Obadiah Stanes son and in case you forgot who he was, there's a quick flashback to Stane's death in the Iron Man movie.

Now that we got the decent stuff out of the way, let me get to why this only gets two stars:

1) Tony Stark calling this kid "boy" for their anti-climactic face off was kind uncomfortable. Seriously.

2) Nick Fury wastes tons of bots and manpower trying to bring in Tony Stark. Even going as far as to order them to shoot to kill. Which has to be the dumbest thing ever. Logically, if you want him because he's your prime witness or suspect, what would killing him accomplish? Also, he sells you your tech. You don't think he can defeat it? Thirdly, you're friends. Maybe you should just follow him at a distance? Clearly he knows a bit more than he lets on. Fourth: "There's something I've been trying to tell him, but he's blocking all communications" Well, honestly Nick, why do you suppose that is?

The guy they got to voice Nick Fury sounds a good deal like Sam Jackson. It's not 100% match. But enough that I'd allow it.

3) "He's planning on wiping out every living thing on this planet." But that's the thing. If I understand whatever it is this movie had been saying, It's that he wants to eliminate all of the old technology. The people were just bonuses. Then they just kinda shifted the film to fit that narrative. Ridiculous. Also, just wtf is a Technovore? That's never really clearly defined, other than its a threat to existence. [Which it wasn't when the film started.] "Hey look kids, Iron Man!" Pfft. I guess that's enough.

Sidenote: I just want to point out that they lose the helicarrier in this movie and by my count that's maybe the third or fourth one they've lost in general. Get your shit together SHIELD!

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Iron Man 3 (2013)

When Tony Stark's world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin, he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution.

A quick synopsis:

The man with the biggest ego in the world has had it humbled by the events in New York. He's no longer a big fish in a small pond, he's a small fish in a huge pond and he doesn't know how to deal.

Tony and Pepper are in an official committed relationship, but he's a jerk and spends all of his time working on the suits.

His main villains (this film) are Aldrich Killian creator of the Extremis Technology and his number one arch enemy, The Mandarin.

In Iron Man 3, we get to see Tony Stark vs villains. Tony Stark the man as opposed to Iron Man the hero. Does the armor make the man, or does the man make the armor and other questions of that ilk are central to this film. Brace yourselves folks, there is a lot more existential drama in this one.

Sigh. I'm not going to say that Iron Man 3 completely sucked. But it was a dud in my opinion and totally shit the bed in the grand scheme of things. It was as if they glanced at the comics and built a story around certain concepts and completely disregarded their origins. They basically took everything that made the first movie a good comic book film and bastardized it in favor of an overblown big budget studio film. (Like part 2)

Just so you don't think I'm talking out of my ass, here's a list:

Anxiety - In Iron Man 3, we get to witness the battle of the century as Tony Stark battles... anxiety. Yes folks, He's - maybe for the first time ever-unsure of himself due to the events in New York and this manifests itself as panic attacks. ALTHOUGH HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE BIG FUCKING HERO MOMENT AND SAVED THE WORLD!!!

The Mandarin - The Mandarin was basically a puppet created by and used exclusively to further the white man's agenda. Because why?

Are you seriously going to tell me that Iron Man's greatest villain was reduced to this bullshit? Did you need to swerve your audience? That is some real and true bullshit. I figured something was up when Ben Kingsley was cast and not, you know, an actual Asian.

Could be worse I guess, at one point, Tony Stark's main villain was alcoholism.

Iron Patriot - War machine now works for the US government and has been rebranded as the Iron Patriot. (Comic book fans man recognize this as the death of the dream of the Civil War storyline, as marvel doesn't own the rights to Norman Osbourne.)

Pepper Potts - Gwyneth Paltrow has always sucked. Now she sucks AND has super powers?

Exposition via kid - I hate when movies rely on forced exposition in the form of a child. Tony was a complete jerk to this kid. He deserved it though. Smug bastard.

Extremis - A marvel of technology. Wireless, fluid, electric and involving nanotechnology if I remember correctly. In this movie it makes you burn super hot and apparently leads to:

Fire Breath - Aldrich Killian has successfully mastered the Extremis tech. As such, he can also breath fire.

The Ending - The film fucking ended with the dude basically throwing away the character. And then saying, "I am Iron Man."

*deep breath* 

YOU CAN'T BE IRON MAN WITHOUT THE FUCKING SUIT!!! 

I would love to give this a 1 out of pure nerd rage. But comic nerds weren't the primary audience. They never are. Putting that aside, I really really really want to say that it was good. At times, It felt like it wanted to be, but ultimately Iron Man 3 did just enough to earn a two.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thor (2011)

The powerful but arrogant warrior Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders.

I liked Thor. I didn't love it, but I liked it. Thought it was actually very well done and it translated well to those who aren't familiar with the Thor mythos. It had the right balance of comedy and action and stayed true to its roots while relating to those who aren't aware of his roots. As it relates to the upcoming Avengers movie, I like what Marvel is doing with their characters. Except for Spiderman. The Spiderman series was bullshit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Avengers (2012)

Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army.

Although I felt the film was not worth its hype, Avengers is still a good, solid movie that manages to be both entertaining and coherent. Once again, the Comedic moments help to bring levity to the film and it also tied into the other pictures without being to vague or confusing. The stars of the flick were easily Nick Fury, Iron Man and Captain America, but everyone got relatively equal screen time and hero moments. I wasn't expecting banner to be likable (considering his past history in film) and that was such a breath of fresh air. Scarlet Johansson tried her biggest to ruin it, but it survived.

Scarlett Johansson cannot act. She's terrible. If she wasn't hot, (ie: if she wasn't a redhead with big boobs) she'd still be bussing tables, waiting for her big break.

Now Let's talk Banner/Hulk for second. Everyone that has seen this film raves about the Hulk. He's big, he's green, he's angry, he smashes shit. It should have never taken three films to get it right, but this Hulk with the addition of an actual likable banner, was definitely an improvement. What I didn't like was the lazy and plot convenient writing. At one point, Banner Hulks out and wrecks anything that moves. The second time, when the team could use some smashing, Banner shows up and appears to be in full control. Not only that, but Hulk is actually a team player? I didn't get that.



It seems Marvel has a successful blueprint for their films. (Big Budget action, likable characters, comedy) and The Avengers is no different. It was action packed and even the slow parts moved pretty quick.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Captain America: The First Avenger (2012)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Captain America: The First Avenger***

In Marvel's superhero slugfest, Steve Rogers volunteers for a secret experiment during WWII after being deemed unfit for duty. Transformed into super soldier Captain America, he takes on his Nazi-created counterpart, Red Skull, and the evil Hydra.

100lb weakling, Steve Rogers has tried repeatedly to join the army and fight in WWII. Due to his small frame and asthma, he is repeatedly denied. One day, he is given an opportunity unlike any other. An experimental serum, created by the Allies, designed to turn a man into the perfect human specimen.

The serum amplifies the values of the person. The good become great and the bad become worse. Johann Schmidt took a dose if the super serum before it was ready and it reinforced his desire to rule the world. To that end, he puts his plans in motion as The Red Skull, creating a multi national science and weapons program, openly defying Hitler, and just being a Villain in general. Captain America, although new to the game, has always been gung-ho about fighting bullies. Seeing Red Skull as one, he charges head first into his fortresses to both free American soldiers and to take the fight directly to him.

Captain America was not a terrible movie. In fact it was way better than I thought It'd be. They even took the time to throw in an action montage!!!

Chris Evans (aka Jake Wyler) got huge for this role and the humor in the right moments brought levity to the film. Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark was awesome, even the characters with smaller roles played them well. What I didn't like however, was, Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving not getting enough credit for his portrayal of the Red Skull in this flick. Not given too much to do, he manages to make the skull both a believable and well rounded villain.

Lately, Marvel's movies have proven to be decent, if not over-hyped. Captain America was much better than I thought it'd be. But one burning question remains:

How or why exactly is his shield a boomerrang?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Planet Hulk (2010)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Planet Hulk***

The Incredible Hulk, ejected from Earth in a spaceship, crash-lands on a planet ruled by a tyrant, who forces him to fight in a coliseum against other powerful creatures. The Hulk reluctantly befriends the combatants on his team.

All we need to know about the hulk is explained by Ironman in the first five minutes: The madder he gets, the stronger he gets and they've shipped him off of Earth because not even he can contain his rage. After being jettisoned, Hulk awakens and smashes. Eventually ruining the set trajectory and taking him off course. Instead of bring marooned on a lifeless planet, he ends up on Skaar, a planet under the rule of the ruthless Red King. After that, the film becomes a thinly veiled Gladiator/Spartacus clone, as he is sold into slavery, forced into the arena, and becomes the hero of prophecy.

Fun Fact: The actual comic didn't interest me but after watching the movie, I'm thinking about reading it now. But movies are so much better than books and as a bonus, I finally got what I wanted in a Hulk film: No Bruce Banner, and lots of smashing. Plus, somewhere in the movie, Thor manages to make a cameo and he is shown fucking shit up as well.

Bravo.

Out of Ten? 8

Planet Hulk has all of the brutality expected from a Hulk film with none of the boring exposition. Since no one is human, it's A-Okay to destroy them and since he's fighting for his life, the brutality is justified.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Hulk Vs. (2009)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Hulk Vs. ***

Hulk Vs. is a double feature animated movie telling the tales of Hulk vs. Thor followed by Hulk vs. Wolverine.

Hulk vs. Thor
Every winter, Odin sleeps for a week. During his slumber, the forces if evil try to take Asgard under their control. Loki has brought Bruce Banner to Asgard to use the Hulk as his pawn in his quest for power. Within two minutes, Loki not only has the Hulk, he's separated banner from the beast and is in full control. Only Thor can hope to stop him, but a fully pissed off Hulk is a thing of beauty and After easily dispatching Thor, Hulk heads toward the city, the bright lights leading him to where Odin sleeps. Thor, who manages to live, (because no one ever dies in the comics) regains his health and gets ready for round two as he aims to reunite Banner and the Monster.

Final thought: Hulk vs. Thor is actually pretty good. The Shakespearean stuff is a bit draining, but what's Old English for Smash? Because that's all I heard.

Hulk vs. Wolverine
They play out this confrontation with the idea that Wolverine has no idea who or what the Hulk is. He's been given a simple task, find the Hulk and bring him in and kill him if he has to. After tracking him in the wilderness, he finds Banner shaking and crying. He manages to piss him off and we all know what comes next. During the fight, After a group of supervillains make their appearance and we get a Weapon X flashback, explaining the backstory of Wolverine and his connection to them. The Weapon X program seeks to use The Hulk as a weapon in their quest for whatever the hell it is that they want.

Final thought: There's a lot of blood in this film and rightfully so. Wolverine is a character every bit as brutal as the Hulk. How could they fight without bloodshed? The Thor film was definitely a better story, but who doesn't want to see Hulk vs Wolverine? Terrorists. That's who.

Overall, Hulk Vs. is an enjoyable double feature. I know they can get away with more in these animated films, but I admit, I was really digging the Hulk's brutality, and I wish they could find someway to do this on the big screen.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thor: Tales of Asgard (2011)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 
Today's feature: Thor: Tales of Asgard***

The young Norse God Thor embarks on a quest with his brother Loki to find and recover a legendary sword.

The story is essentially this:
Seeking to prove himself as a man/warrior, Thor journeys to the land of the Frost Giants, seeking the sword of Serta, a magical sword once wielded by a powerful entity and it now lays in the lands of the deadly Frost Giants. The truce between The Frost Giants and Asgard had been tenuous at best, but after accidentally slaying two sentries, his actions threaten to ignite a war between the two realms. When a third party takes possession of the sword, both Odin and all of Asgard are threatened with destruction.

This film has almost all one could want in a story taking place in Asgard. Mead, bar fights, women, old english, Thor and we even get to see Odin take action in this flick.

My only real gripe:

Teenage Thor. Bleh.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Black Panther [TV Series] (2009)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: The Black Panther (The Animated Series)***

The Black Panther is 12 episode motion comic introducing (or even re-acquainting for the comic savvy) The Black Panther and the sovereign county of Wakanda to the world. 

The Black Panther is the the title given to the leader of Wakanda. Every year, there is a contest where anyone can challenge the King, for the right to the panther crown. T'Challa our reigning King, took the throne after defeating the his uncle at the last battle.

The United States Govt having grown increasingly concerned about the sovereign country (whose military, tech and wealth are vastly superior), have resigned themselves (along with a few other countries) to send in "special forces" to try to kill/assist the Panther and gain a foothold in Wakanda. Their intel has discovered that the Black Panther is no one to be trifled with. He's defeated Captain America, the Fantastic Four, and countless other people who have appeared on his land. The nation of Wakanda itself is equally strong, having never been conquered, holding advanced technology and cures to nearly all diseases and never having or needing to tap it's vast oil reserves to create wealth. In Wakanda's eyes, everyone is after wakanda to profit from the resources that they willingly share with their people. This is why they remain isolated and shun everyone outside their borders. They feel the world is too selfish for their own good.

Proving their point, the US decides to finance an invasion of Wakanda. Putting it in the hands of "The Claw," a top mercenary and assassin who was ultimately responsible for the death of a previous Panther, T'chaka, T'challa's father. As the villains breach the border and start to invade Wakanda, it's up to T'challa to show his might as the Panther and save his country while also avenging his father's death.

Captain America makes a cameo and proceeds to get his ass handed to him. To be fair, they turned him into a bloodthirsty agent as opposed to the diplomatic guy he is today. But an ass whipping could also do that to you as well. The Juggernaut is recruited by the villains, but he's there solely to fuck with the wildlife and utter the world famous line.

He's the Juggernaut, Bitch!

The series, although filled with exposition, gets better as it goes along. I'm surprised they threw in so many cameos from other Marvel characters, but it shows the importance, relevance and influence of both the Panther and Wakanda. There are a few "eye-roll" moments, but it doesn't stray too far off the beaten path.

  Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thor and Loki: Blood Brothers - 2011

Thor & Loki: Blood Brothers is a four episode motion comic from Marvel Knights Animation. It is based on the 2004 miniseries Loki by Robert Rodi and Esad Ribic.

This series exists to fill in the back story and give us the history between Thor and his brother Loki as told from Loki's point of view. This movie supposes that Thor was  kind of an arrogant dick and Loki was basically a bullied kid, who rose to power and is blatantly abusing it and getting in over his head.

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Iron man 2

 
In Iron Man 2 Tony stark is an asshole. But as we'd eventually learn, the suit is killing him each time he uses it and his defense mechanism was to become a arrogant dick, as he knew he wouldn't live much longer. As the movie goes on, it becomes a tale of redemption, as the unflappable and cocky Tony Stark, falls from grace, becomes humbled by the experience and gets a new lease on life, courtesy of his father. The film even goes so far as to have Tony fight Rhodes in an cliched bromance fight. You know, one of those fights that happens when you have to literally kick some sense into your bff.

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