Rambo IV (2009)

In Thailand, John Rambo joins a group of mercenaries to venture into war-torn Burma, and rescue a group of Christian aid workers who were kidnapped by the ruthless local infantry unit.

So I'm browsing the site (like you should all be doing) and I realize that I never put up a review for the latest (and greatest) Rambo movie.

First off, John Rambo is a Mother.Fucking.Beast. Dude goes into Burma, rips out throats and damn near destroys the entire Burma army.  Why the Burman army you ask? Well, FUCK THE BURMESE ARMY! That's why.  They were so cartoonishly over the top evil that you would not care how they met their end because they deserved it.

The Burma Commander's sole purpose was to stand around, look tough, smoke and scream, "Dak dlak. Alack lack dlacka!" While his soldiers completely put the Vikings to shame in the way they ransacked and destroyed two villages and everyone within.

You'd have to watch it to fully understand, but by the time Rambo got through with them, you'd be standing and applauding. There's no one more American than John Rambo and did I mention that he ripped out a man's throat with his bare hands? 

Deepthroated - Click the Pic to watch.

Honestly I feel like the hyper violence was a distraction tactic and I think he was just trying to get us to look past his age. Thing is, I do not care...Okay, I cared a little, but Rambo IV released during a time when we needed a movie like this. At the time, the top film at the box office was either Paul Blart or Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Fuck that. I'd take an old ass Rambo, or even Rambo in space if it's attached to action like this.

 

Violence? He shot someone point blank with an M-50
Explosions? Dude blew up an un-detonated bomb from Vietnam.
Nudity? Yes. Dem Burmese is crazy.

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Avengers (2012)

Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. brings together a team of super humans to form The Avengers to help save the Earth from Loki and his army.

Although I felt the film was not worth its hype, Avengers is still a good, solid movie that manages to be both entertaining and coherent. Once again, the Comedic moments help to bring levity to the film and it also tied into the other pictures without being to vague or confusing. The stars of the flick were easily Nick Fury, Iron Man and Captain America, but everyone got relatively equal screen time and hero moments. I wasn't expecting banner to be likable (considering his past history in film) and that was such a breath of fresh air. Scarlet Johansson tried her biggest to ruin it, but it survived.

Scarlett Johansson cannot act. She's terrible. If she wasn't hot, (ie: if she wasn't a redhead with big boobs) she'd still be bussing tables, waiting for her big break.

Now Let's talk Banner/Hulk for second. Everyone that has seen this film raves about the Hulk. He's big, he's green, he's angry, he smashes shit. It should have never taken three films to get it right, but this Hulk with the addition of an actual likable banner, was definitely an improvement. What I didn't like was the lazy and plot convenient writing. At one point, Banner Hulks out and wrecks anything that moves. The second time, when the team could use some smashing, Banner shows up and appears to be in full control. Not only that, but Hulk is actually a team player? I didn't get that.



It seems Marvel has a successful blueprint for their films. (Big Budget action, likable characters, comedy) and The Avengers is no different. It was action packed and even the slow parts moved pretty quick.

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Captain America: The First Avenger (2012)

***All this week, I'll be reviewing Marvel's Avenger related films. 

Today's feature: Captain America: The First Avenger***

In Marvel's superhero slugfest, Steve Rogers volunteers for a secret experiment during WWII after being deemed unfit for duty. Transformed into super soldier Captain America, he takes on his Nazi-created counterpart, Red Skull, and the evil Hydra.

100lb weakling, Steve Rogers has tried repeatedly to join the army and fight in WWII. Due to his small frame and asthma, he is repeatedly denied. One day, he is given an opportunity unlike any other. An experimental serum, created by the Allies, designed to turn a man into the perfect human specimen.

The serum amplifies the values of the person. The good become great and the bad become worse. Johann Schmidt took a dose if the super serum before it was ready and it reinforced his desire to rule the world. To that end, he puts his plans in motion as The Red Skull, creating a multi national science and weapons program, openly defying Hitler, and just being a Villain in general. Captain America, although new to the game, has always been gung-ho about fighting bullies. Seeing Red Skull as one, he charges head first into his fortresses to both free American soldiers and to take the fight directly to him.

Captain America was not a terrible movie. In fact it was way better than I thought It'd be. They even took the time to throw in an action montage!!!

Chris Evans (aka Jake Wyler) got huge for this role and the humor in the right moments brought levity to the film. Dominic Cooper as Howard Stark was awesome, even the characters with smaller roles played them well. What I didn't like however, was, Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving not getting enough credit for his portrayal of the Red Skull in this flick. Not given too much to do, he manages to make the skull both a believable and well rounded villain.

Lately, Marvel's movies have proven to be decent, if not over-hyped. Captain America was much better than I thought it'd be. But one burning question remains:

How or why exactly is his shield a boomerrang?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Clash of the Titans 3D (2011)

Born of a god but raised as a man, Perseus volunteers to lead a daring band of warriors to defeat Hades before he can seize powerfrom Zeus and unleash hell on earth.

Long before man, there was a war between the immortal beings who walked the Earth. After defeating the Titans, Zeus takes his place as the King of Heaven, Poseidon becomes ruler of the oceans and Hades is tricked into becoming the ruler of the underworld. Zeus then created man and their prayers feed their immortality. Lately though, the mortals have been openly rebelling. They feel that the time of the gods has passed and they are willing to wage war to claim power. Feeling forsaken by the very humans he's created, Zeus dispatches Hades to remind the mortals of their role. As Hades attacks a royal court for their disobedience, he reveals the Zeus' plan (obey or die) and lets it be known that Perseus is the son of Zeus.

Now aware of his past, he is told his history that he was basically born to kill the kraken. His intention is to kill Hades, but he has until the next solar eclipse to save the town from the Kraken who will only stop after the princess is sacrificed.

Zeus! We hardly recognized you without that shiny suit.

Clash 3D is an overall decent film. It really tries to flesh out the story, but I found the ending to be rather anti-climactic. There was a lot of build, but no actual delivery. Also, There is no real advantage to watching this in 3D as opposed to the regular D.


In the battle of Greek Mythology films, I would recommend Immortals before this one.

 Fun Fact: The dude that plays Apollo in this film, is Zeus in Immortals. He also killed Apollo in that film. So by the transitive property of Greek Mythology, he's killed himself.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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War of the Arrows (2012)

Set during the second Manchu invasion of Korea, Nam Yi, the best archer in Korea, goes up against the Qing Dynasty to save his younger sister Ja In - who was dragged away by Manchurians. 

After watching their father killed in a nighttime raid, two children escape to the countryside to live with his trusted friend. 13 years pass and the brother, Nam-Yi is set in his ways, resigned to the fact that he'll never be regarded as more than the child of a traitor. His sister, Ja-In however is very headstrong and proud. On the day of her wedding, the castle is attacked and ransacked by the Evil Manchu army, with both the bride and groom being taken among many others. Just how ruthless were the Manchurians? They ripped a baby from a woman's arms and casually tossed it down a well.

Mmm...Evil

After a short battle, Nam-Yi returns to the castle, only to find it in shambles. As he chases the Manchurians, seeking to free his sister, he draws the attention of their top general who will stop at nothing to see him dead.

Slow and confusing in the beginning, War of the Arrows picks up as the stakes get higher. I'm not a fan of archers, but this film gave them the bad ass treatment and I was definitely impressed.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Saving Private Perez (2011)

Despite his ruthless reputation, the most notorious drug lord in Mexico has one soft spot -- his mother -- and when she orders him to invade Iraq to rescue his little brother, he assembles a squad of oddball hombres to fulfill his suicidal mission.

Julian Perez is the most dangerous, most feared and most powerful drug lord in Mexico. When he goes to visit his mom in the hospital, she tells him that his brother has joined the US Army, and is now missing in action since his plane was shot down over Iraq. She also tells him that if he wants to make amends to her, he would go to there and bring his brother home alive. Perez then assembles a team of four capable men to travel and help him with this task. His first question, "Where the hell is Iraq?"

Upon first hearing the title, Saving Private Perez sounds like it should be a comedy, but instead it takes itself seriously as an action adventure film with a little comedy sprinkled in. There's clear movement from A to B with no filler and yet It seemed like they weren't quite sure which direction to go, so they added a bit of everything, it didn't help, but it didn't hurt either.

I went in with no expectations, but it turned out to be a bit better than I would have given it credit for.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Immortals (2011)

In Ancient Greece, King Hyperion searches for a powerful weapon that will free the bloodthirsty Titans and enable them to overpower the gods and enslave mankind. Unable to interfere directly, the gods choose a champion to defend them.

According to legend, Immortal beings were once at war with each other. The winners of the war dubbed themselves Gods and took their place above the clouds. The losers were called Titans and were sealed at the bottom of Mt. Tartarus. Lost in the battle was an ancient and powerful weapon, the Epirus Bow. King Hyperion seeks to release the Titans and retrieve the bow in order to rule all of the lands. Theseus is destined to stop him.

We follow Theseus on his journey as he reluctantly falls into his role as the hero of the story. Zeus and the other Gods watch the events, but are unable to interfere until the Titans are released or until the weapon is found. After the Titans are released however, the gods reappear and fuck shit up. At that point, It's all out warfare as the Gods battle the Titans, Theseus takes on Hyperion, and their respective armies battle each other. 

The Immortals is definitely a better movie than I thought it'd be. When this film first released, I figured it was going to look pretty but suck. Well it looks pretty and it's good. Admittedly, I could be influenced because I like Greek/Roman mythology, but this was a total dude movie that came in beneath the radar. I enjoyed it. Simply put, it's a visually awesome film with a clear storyline, brutality, and the super hot Freida Pinto.

Umm...Hmm...

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Brief

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Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2012)

The Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets.

Apparently after receiving a presidential medal for saving the world in part two, Sam Whitwickey has been living with a hot blonde and is trying to make ends meet.After the events of part two, the Autobots work with the United States government, helping to prevent humans from destroying each other while waiting for the return of their true enemy. On a mission in Chernobyl, marines are attacked by an unknown robot assailant who surprisingly resembles the sand worm from Beetlegeuse. After a short battle with this bot, the Autobots head to the moon to recover their missing ship. On it is awesome robot technology that needs to be found before the Decepticons.

 Not too long after that, a familiar face returns. Megatron is back and boy does he look pissed. After shitting on Starscream, he receives a status report. All is going as planned.
After being betrayed on the both ends, the robots have it out in an orgy explosions and smash cuts. The military is there too, mostly providing cool entrances and moral support. By day's end, however, optimus returns in true leader fashion and kicks major ass. He easily dispatches the hench-bots and shows no mercy in destroying all of his enemies.

All Hail Optimus! The One True Prime!

Here are a few of my random thoughts while watching this movie:

• Ooh, this film starts with ass... and there's...LaBeouf. Ass over everyone. Time to get back to work. 
  
• There's quite a few 5 minute LaBeouf montages where he does his talking thing.
  
• So, optimus is a truck. But what happens to the trailer attached to his back? also, why does one of the autobots have hair? And is that a Decepticon dogbot?
  
• I bet IT nerds worldwide cringed when razorwing chased Sam through that server room.
  
• The annoying government hardass is quite hard headed and lame. As usual.
  
• I can't believe this movie is 2 1/2 hrs. It's Funnier than I anticipated though.
  
• Optimus Prime is not the first prime. I know There's a math joke in there somewhere...
  
• The autobots are quickly exiled in an amazing display of American cowardice, whatever happened to " We don't negotiate with terrorists"?
  
• Decepticons are blowing everything up, including people, and i like it.
  
• Independence day type speech towards the end, yet in reality, the US armed forces contribute nothing to these movies. That's... unfortunate.
  
• Is it wrong to cheer for the Decepticons? They are just so ruthlessly evil and they've promised to kill LaBeouf.
  
• It took three films, but finally, giant robots are fighting and fucking shit up! Seriously it does not need to be as long as it is though.
  
• Apparently robots bleed sparks.
  
• Terry Tate: Office Linebacker/Decepticon slayer.
  

Okay, here's my problem with Transformers 3: I can't say I liked it and I can't say I didn't. I'm really ambivalent towards the whole thing. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was hot. Until she decided to duckface the final act of the film. The military was alright, until you realize that their appearances were all flash and no substance and even while toned down, LaBeouf still annoyed me. If I were grading Solely on the bots, I would give TF3 a higher score. But I can't. Even the name is stupid. Wtf is a "Dark of the Moon?"

I'll meet you halfway.

Out of Ten? 7

I feel that this is fair. Optimus finally got in that Decepticon ass and did you really watch this to see a well crafted story? 

Violence? Robot on robot on man on robot action!
Explosions? Pfft. This is a Michael Bay film.
Nudity? Nope.

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Director's Spotlight #5

Kathryn Bigelow

Kathryn Ann Bigelow (born November 27, 1951) is an American film director. Her best-known films are the cult horror film Near Dark (1987), the surfer/bank robbery action picture Point Break (1991), the science fiction/film noir Strange Days (1995), the historical/mystery film The Weight of Water (2000) and the war drama The Hurt Locker (2008). In April 2010, Bigelow was named to the Time 100 list of most influential people of the year.

Well known within the Hollywood circle, chances are you've seen a few of her films and didn't know it was her. Once the Hurt Locker was released, she became a household name.

If you haven't already, check out some of her work:

Point Break (1991) 

An FBI agent goes undercover to catch a gang of bank robbers who may be surfers.

Simply put: Johnny Utah was The Perfect Role for the Master of the "Whoa!" 

Strange Days (1995) 

A former cop turned street-hustler accidentally uncovers a police conspiracy in 1999 Los Angeles.

Hurt Locker (2010) 

Forced to play a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse in the chaos of war, an elite Army bomb squad unit must come together in a city where everyone is a potential enemy and every object could be a deadly bomb.

Blue Steel (1990)

A female rookie in the police force engages in a cat and mouse game with a pistol wielding psychopath who becomes obsessed with her.

The Embedding was disabled, so you'll have to click here to watch.

Jamie Lee Curtis is a fox!

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Ironclad - 2011

 

In 13th-century England, a small group of Knights Templar fight to defend Rochester Castle against the tyrannical King John.

A retelling of Akira Kurosawa's famed "Seven Samurai," this time though, it is set in medieval times as five mercenaries, a land baron and a knight templar ride out to secure a strategic castle outpost from the ruthless King John (played by the awesome Paul Giamatti), who seeks to rule all England by force. Despite the Magna Carta, King John, with the consent of the Pope, has set out eliminate everyone involved with the passing of the law. The rebels who forced the law, set out to stop the king at all costs.

 Yay! They're gonna get medieval.

Ironclad was a Historical drama. Meaning, this film was going to be slow and methodical. Eventhough that was expected, it seriously dragged when there was no fighting. However, The over the top violence more than makes up for all of the drama during the slow parts (and there are many). FFS There's a scene in which one character beats an invader to death using the chopped off arm of another fallen invader! and Another in which one guy is strapped into a catapult and thrown into a castle wall. Those two death scenes alone + Paul Giamatti acting circles around the cast earn this movie no less than a 6.5.

Hail to the King, baby.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Brutality
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Legion - 2010

An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity's only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael

Angels are coming to Earth, determined to kill a woman and her unborn child for some reason or another and one defects in order to save both the child and humanity.

Legion sucked. Despite all the gun play and action, I couldn't help shake the feeling that nothing was happening. But that's probably because nothing was happening. The movie just seemed pointless. As for the cast, it seems they thought they were getting involved in something...more...better, I guess. Half-hearted performances didn't help the lackluster script and clunky direction. Dennis Quaid is dangerously close to becoming the Dennis Quaid of Frequency. panicked, losing control, obsessed. Roc makes an appearance as the wise negro/pan hurler and Tyrese is in this film too, trying to channel his inner thug (about 10 years after Baby Boy) and gets eaten for his troubles.

Jodie still lookin' for his mama...

Legion sucked and if that old bitch wasn't scurrying across a ceiling and getting hit by frying pans, this movie would have been a total waste.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? A heavenly amount
Explosions? No
Nudity? Nope.

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Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

(Teaser-Trailer.com)

"A Marine Staff Sergeant who has just had his retirement approved goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders." - IMDB

There are very few movies that have made me audibly upset in the theater. Words cannot describe what a streaming pile of dung this movie was and my only solace was that I didn't buy the tickets.

If you haven't seen it by now, It is your basic aliens invasion vs the human force movie. Standard fare. Michelle Rodriguez is in it, but she's in every standard "tough female" role these days so, take that how you will. 

So why do I hate this film? Simply put, the writing and plot structure were terrible. One such scene that highlights both is below.

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