Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

On the last day of a family vacation at Disney World, Jim White learns that he's lost his job. Soon thereafter, he begins to lose his mind.

I've actually been led astray by that poster. This movie is pretty bad and there's no salvaging it. I didn't have high hopes or expectations, but I didn't think it would suck sooooo much. While watching, I picked out a few things that irked me:

• This film being black n white. That takes away from the magic of Disney. Which is very well known for its (subjectively creepy) bright and colorful atmosphere.
• The dialogue & characters. Can't really decide which was worst, they both sucked. Like a pair of fake boobs, they neither felt natural.
• The writing/editing/direction. If they weren't so busy running around and filming in secret, the story would have probably felt a bit more cohesive and less rushed/disjointed.
• Smiley, giggly French girls who are clearly stoned and underaged yet are still lusted after American Beauty style by this unemployed middle aged loser. Seriously, one of the girls had braces.
• Cat flu. I guess the logic behind that was: Bird flu has been done. Swine flu is too far out. Mad cow? Not sexy enough. Why not cat flu? Genius.

The novelty of Escape From Tomorrow is that it was secretly filmed in the Disney World theme park, where they explicitly have a "no filming of any kind" policy.  That means that a lot of the film was rushed since they had to film scenes before security caught them. That was pretty ballsy on their part, but it didn't amount to anything but a time waste for everyone involved and everyone watching.

For the first 5 minutes though, it was a pretty good story. I actually sympathized with Jim White, (which is incidentally one of the laziest character names ever) who lost his job while at the happiest place on Earth and has to pretend everything is okay for his family. Not 5 minutes later,  he's standing in line with a bunch of people who are sneezing and coughing and ebola'ing Disney World. The guy doesn't even have health insurance anymore. Throw in an unruly child and a super naggy/frigid wife and I can see why he would go mad.

After that however, nothing. Just visual garbage.

Because Escape from Tomorrow sucks, it feels way longer than it is and should be. To its credit though, although the scenes where Jim White decides that alcohol is the solution to his problems are hilarious, it still doesn't excuse or save this dreck. Overall I'd say it's more of a student film or art-house film that rode the popularity of its viral stunt to a bigger release than it should have had. It flat out sucks though and if I could throw it under the bin, I would. If I could pull a Bill Cosby and buy every copy so that no one else would ever think this was good or interesting or waste their eyeballs in any other way, I definitely would.

Don't waste your time or your life on Escape From Tomorrow.

 

Violence? Yes...No. But that would have improved the film.
Explosions? Of boredom and nagging wife rage
Nudity? No They did film in Disney World, pervs.

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Sweetwater (2014)

  

A Pioneer woman is forced to fight for what's hers when her husband disappears and a calculating preacher makes a play for her land.

 

The Cast:

• Sadistic PreacherMan - Mr. Josiah
• Capable Sheriff Hobo - Ed Harris 
• Widowed Whore aka Sweetwater - January Jones
• Unscrupulous Bankerman - Stephen Root

Quick Synopsis:

There's a preacher who believes the land is g God's land and he intends to purge it of sin, purify it, and restore it to the way he believes God intended. These are the types of people who are more than willing to kill to achieve their goals and Mr. Josiah is no different. The major conflict starts when the preacher refuses to build a fence to keep his sheep in and Sweetwater's husband, Miguel, confronts him about it. 

In addition to Miguel's disappearance, Josiah is questioned by Sheriff Hobo about two other missing people who Josiah referred to as trespassers when he gunned them down. Not long after, he makes a play for  Sweetwater's land, offering to convert her and her land to the church, forcefully if necessary. This sets the three on a collision course as they head to a bloody climax that will settle their issues once and for all.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweetwater is just about the slowest of the slow burn revenge thriller westerns. I was expecting a legit shoot'em up western. I thought it would be something like The Quick and The Dead, but plot and character development got in the way. Seriously, she finally starts her revenge with about 35 minutes left in the film. Although she puts in work, 35 min is not really enough time for killin'. 

What I did find funny though, was that back then women were really thought of as different people. "Here, take this to protect your feminine skin." Absolutely ridiculous, yet hilarious. Another thing was that a very public peep hole masturbation scene proved that there really were no rules in the west

I liked Stephen Root (dude is awesome. Google him, you know who he is) and I'm a fan of Ed Harris, who hasn't gotten enough credit for a lot of the stuff that he's done (Post The Rock). He was pretty damn good as the unique but not queer, county Sheriff.

 Overall though, it was not as good as and as action packed as I thought it'd be:

Violence?  Yes
Explosions?  Of subdued violence
Nudity? Yes

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Iron Man and Hulk: Heroes United (2014)

 

The Cast: 

• The Hulk - Big. Green. Hungry
• Iron Man - Super Rich, Super Smart, Super Arrogant Mech Pilot
• The Abomination - Hulk like mercenary 
• Hydra - Evil Scientists and Arms Dealers
• Thundarberg - Evil villain made of pure energy. 

The Situation: 

Evil villains want to use the hulk's power for their own ends. Realizing that he may be uncontrollable, they've decided to hire the abomination in order to bring him in. After a brief tussle, The Abomination brings the defeated Hulk to the hydra labs where they aim to use his gamma power top fuel their arc reactor.

Underestimating the Hulk's radiation levels, their machines overload and create a living energy weapon who seeks to destroy the world and drink all of it's energy. Aware of an immdiate power outage, Iron Man shows up to investigate and eventually teams up with Hulk (after fighting him of course) to stop the monster and save the world. 

--------------------------------------------------

Things you should know going into this dreck:

• The Hulk can talk and think like an intelligent human being.
• The animation is like a mix of 3D, cell shading and CG. It actually looks pretty bad.
• Tony Stark is still a dick, but he just so happens to be training with his new Hulk Buster armor when all of this goes down.

Marvel has really shit the bed with this one and I hope they come correct with the Captain America/Thor Version. This movie absolutely blows. The story is crappy, the animation is crappy  and it's over an hr long. It's flat out terrible.

 
Violence? Animated
Explosions? Didn't I say it started with a fight between Hulk and Abomination?
Nudity? Only in Tony's Mind. 

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13/13/13 (2013)

For Millennia, calendars have added an extra day every four years. In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar. Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the...

[Even Netflix couldn't even be bothered to  finish their summary. This movie is gonna be terrible..]

The Cast:

• Jack
• Candace
• Crazy Mofos

The Situation:

People are going crazy and everyone is slowly loading their minds. Becoming violent, cranky and generally disrespectful.

According to Candace, a woman he meets at the hospital following his wife's psychotic break, people who were born on a leap year are seemingly immune to the chaos. She explains the situation to Jack. February 29th is not supposed to exist and the current day is 131313, as every leap year has added a day to the calendar.

Although the evidence around him is overwhelming, he decides to disbelieve Candace and rescue his daughter, who most certainly has gone bat shit crazy along with the rest of the world. [If he knew that his daughter was killing and eating spiders, he probably wouldn't have tried so hard to save her.]

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. Everyone dies.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

This is the thing. I felt kinda forced and obligated to watch this movie. Not only have I seen three different versions of 11/11/11, I've seen 12/12/12 AND I suggested 13/13/13 in that review. I brought this upon myself and I don't have much of a choice here. Don't judge me.

Whatever. You're a jerk.

Sidenote:
Why are they still making end of the world Y2k movies? Isn't there some other thing to latch on to?

Sidenote 2:
Asylum movies are a door way into Hollywood for first time directors and actors. They are extremely low budget, so if your movies is good, it opens up more doors. Third movie is not. Far from it in fact. Bad writing, Bad dialogue, bad direction, it's all there and it was about as bad as I expected it to be. Let's never talk about it again.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence and F-bombs
Nudity? No

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Only God Forgives (2013)

 

When a cop kills the brother of a British gangster who runs a Bangkok fight club, his crime-boss mother flies in from London to supervise revenge.

 

The Cast:

Ryan Gosling/ Julian
Billy the bro aka Sir DB
Police Chief Chops-A-Lot aka Samurai Cop
Mama (Te quiero, Mamaaaaa!!!!!)
Mai, hot Thai stripper chick.

The Situation: 

Billy and Julian, run a fight club type of operation in Bangkok. Thai men fight, people wager on the outcome and occasionally drugs are passed through.

Billy is a scumbag and he actually deserved to be killed. Raping and killing prostitutes, drinking, beating women and cruising the streets for 14yr old tang? Yep, that's no way to gain sympathy as a character. Julian tracks down his killer and accepts his death as justified. His mother on the other hand, isn't so easily pacified, and she sets off a chain of events and pits the family against the hard edged chief of police, samurai cop who isn't afraid to go above the law and get his hands dirty to stop crime. 

The basic premise behind Only God Forgives is "an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," but with Julian caught in the middle of the chaos. Yes his brother was killed and yes he should want  revenge, but the killing was sort of justified. His mother, on the other hand, wants swift and brutal revenge, not caring that she's up against a samurai cop who is will bring her family nothing but ruin for crossing his path.

-----------------------------

Now I've...had...the time of my liiifffee......

With the exception of The Ides of March, I'd say that Ryan Gosling has been attempting to make the most of his anti hero persona developed in Drive. This film though, doesn't much to help.  He's just in it to look pretty and collect a paycheck. Dude barely talks and except for one scene where he fights (and loses) he doesn't really do shit but look mopey for the entire film. Aside from all of that, it's deliberately slow, painful, and includes a lot of long stares and silence. Tension is supposed to be being built but nothing is really happening other than Karaoke. (Asians sure do like their karaoke)
 

Only God Forgives is like an art house picture film. Like it's trying to be something more than it is. Also, it's a strange movie, Everyone moves like robots. It's weird. Do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Dopest part of this movie is that poster. Which has already been made into a shirt, here

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of slow paced, well plotted violence
Nudity? Yes? No? Idk. They'd have to throw in a lot of titty to salvage this film.

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The Hangover Part III (2013)

***An iCheckmovies Listed Film****

The action packed conclusion to the trilogy no one asked for. Part Two was exactly the same as the first making it a blatant cash grab and middle finger to the consumer. This film promises to be different.

Since the events of the first film, it is revealed that Super Criminal Mr. Chow has stolre 21 million dollars from a rival drug lord and disappeared until he was arrested in Bangkok. Alan was the only person he's been in contact with and it's up to the guys to find Chow in three days or the drug Lord will kill Doug, who is being held in exchange. 

Doug is forever doomed to be sub ancillary. 

I think he's only had maybe 20minutes and 20 lines in three movies. 

Dude is a macguffin. Easiest paycheck ever.

Listen, Hangover three is basically the Alan and Chow show. It's possible I'm viewing this from a biased angle, but I feel it tries a bit too hard to be funny. It isn't really a good movie at all. there are a lot of callbacks to the original two films, but the "series" is structured in such a way that it's nearly impossible to do anything differently and if you do, you end up with something like this crap.

I watched it. You don't have to. [If you haven't already]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? You'll need to be able to see in the dark.

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Sweet Sweetback's Bad Assss Song (1971)

***An iCheckMovies Listed Film***

The Cast:

• Sweet Sweetback
• The Man aka Honky Devils
• The Black Community

The Situation:

After a murder, the police come down to the nearest negro community live sex show to "borrow" a man for their line up. He's just supposed to stand there and make them look good.

Sweetback is sent with the policemen and he stands by as they brutally assault anther black guy in front of him. He snaps, beats them to death and goes on the lam.

He's picked up immediately, but the community comes to his rescue and he flees once again. The police launch a city and statewide manhunt, to bring him in and Sweetback attempts to escape the state knowing he's facing certain death of the honkys catch him.

The Resolution:

He escapes because he's about as crafty as he is uppity. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 Mario van Peebles is one sorry looking mofo. And I don't mean that in the negative sense, 

I mean that like "this motherfucker just 'looks' Apologetic" sense.

Sweet Sweetback Bad Asssss Song has got to be one of the most ridiculous and pointless movies I've ever seen. This is the type of movie I would watch, then never tell anyone that I had seen it and yes I'm aware of the irony of that statement on regards to this blog. Somehow this was to be made to stick it to the man? I just don't get it. It's not about anything. A black dude beats up two white cops for beating another black dude. This leads to all the white cops in a city wide manhunt for him and all the Black folks helping him out. Funky handshakes and all. No one white can be trusted and all his problems are solved with his fists or his sex, which is literally him just laying still between a woman's legs.

I like the grindhouse/exploitation films because the shit these films could get away with could never be repeated in this era. Never. Case in point, This kid, no more than 12 is getting skins. He's told he has a Sweetback cuz his lovin is so good and he grows into a man before the end of the scene. Meaning that girl, (who is a pedophile btw) has pussy so good it can turn a boy into a man by the time he's reached his fist orgasm. Why is this movie not about her? [Seriously, a movie about cooch so good it can skip puberty and turn a boy into a full grown man? I'm bringing the beer and masturbatory aids.]

As for Sweetback, this man does nothing but lay perfectly still and somehow brings women to wildly orgasm. I figure that either his dick moves on its own and/or he's still 12 and that original pussy made him a grown baby. Seriously, wtf Melvin? Oh wait, let me guess, "you're sorry."

Aww. I can't stay mad at that. Apology accepted

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of boredom
Nudity? Usually when someone is about to get the D.

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Black Lightning (2009)

College student Dima receives a rusty old car as a gift. When he discovers that it can fly, he uses it to become a real crime fighter.

 

The good guy's story:

Two Construction workers find a hidden building under their dig site. Inside they find a car and make plans to sell it and split the profits. Dima's father buys it and Presents it to him as a gift for his birthday. Although initially unimpressed with the car, he discovers that it can fly. Finding an old record in the car, he decides to tracks down the original scientists and learns that the tech behind it was called the Nanocatalyst. It increases the energy of the fuel one million fold and was designed to allow cars to fly. The project was abandoned after the car failed to take off. They give him the cars manual and he eventually learns how to operate it. 

 

He keeps identity a secret, [sort of] but it's kinda hard to miss a flying car that gains notoriety as he continues to do good deeds. He's earned the name Black Lightning and has become a hero to the people.

The bad guy's story:

A diamond mine exists underneath the city of Moscow but Billionaire Professor, Viktor Alexander, has realized that he does not have enough power to push through and mine the diamonds. On the advice of his head engineer, he learns of the abandoned Nanocatalyst project and figures it would provide enough power to get the job done. Since he's a billionaire, [and not above using people] he fools the original scientists into recreating the experiment, and gets his own nifty flying car out of it. The second nanocatalyst isn't as powerful as the first and with his car he sets out to kill Black Lightning, retrieve the device and achieve his goals. 

Black Lightning is like an old school super hero film. There's romance, there's drama, sacrifice and technology. Plus a villain that's so consumed by greed.and selfishness that he can't see or doesn't care that his ambition would quite literally destroy the city. His greed essentially led to the creation of Black Lightning.  

Overall, I can't say that I was 100% wowed, but I can say that this was a very solid film. It kinda gives you all that you need in a superhero film, but there was something missing. I just can't place what it is. There were flying cars though. Flying cars are awesome.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Four interwoven stories that occur on Halloween: An everyday high school principal has a secret life as a serial killer; a college virgin might have just met the one guy for her; a group of teenagers pull a mean prank; a woman who loathes the night has to contend with her holiday-obsessed husband.

 
I remember looking forward to this flick. I thought it was a new horror movie with a new type of villain. But I was disappointed. Trick 'r Treat is actually an anthology of four horror stories. Connecting each of them is that little sack-headed thing on the poster. Each story revolves around someone breaking a "Halloween rule" and being punished for it. It was decent for what it was. I expected different so I'm biased now. Fuck this film.

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity? No

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Red Mist (2008)

A young doctor decides to test an experimental drug on a man who's been languishing in a coma, and the procedure has unexpected consequences: Although the man's body remains rooted to his hospital bed, his spirit can move around at will.

After an acquaintance has a seizure during A night out, a team of young medical interns drop his body at a hospital and work to keep their stories straight. They decided they can't risk their lives and careers admitting the truth so they all pretend it didn't happen. Feeling bad, one of the ladies decides to research a drug that may help the man to recover. The problem is that it is highly experimental and has never been tested on humans. After giving him steady shots of the drug, she finds that he is responsible for the murderers of her friends as he can now control people mentally while seeking revenge for the events of that night.

Red Mist is both bad and pointless. It feels like a lot was cut out, but I'm sure even the omitted parts couldn't salvage this dreck. Skip it. Burn it. And definitely stay away if you or anyone you know suffers from epilepsy. The last scene is unbearable.

Fun Fact: If she had let the guy die in the first place, like her friends wanted, everyone would have lived. That makes her a selfish do-gooder asshole.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Frogs (1972)

** Killer Frogs are #4 on the Most Wanted Killer Animal List***

When a millionaire who kills any animal that moves on his island estate refuses to mend his ways, the swamp critters mete out some amphibian justice.

Pickett Smith is nearly killed by Clint and his sister Karen during a day out on the river. They take him to their grandfather's island to dry off and invite him to their family's picnic to atone. The old man, Jason, is very impatient and is looking for a way to get rid of the frogs as they have seemingly infested his island and have become a nuisance to him and his family. He believes that man is the master of all and he has a kill em all attitude.

Pickett posits that nature is trying to get back at him, but that's quickly dismissed although the island is surrounded by frogs (a fact which the film reminds us of after and sometimes during every scene) who stare and croak ominously and his family is picked off one by one.

My main concern with a movie like this was, "How exactly will the frogs kill?"  And I got my answer. They croak in unison which is apparently just enough to give an old man a heart attack.

Here's s list of everything that kills or is implied to have killed in this movie:

Snakes, Tarantulas, Komodo Dragons, Lizards, Leeches, Alligators, Iguanas. Even a goddamn turtle got in on the action along with land (swamp?) Crabs and Birds

Here's a list of everything that hasn't:

Frogs.

The frogs were more ringleaders than killers. Every other animal seemed to be acting under their command, but I was promised killer frogs goddammit! Those other animals were supposed to be a appetizer not the meat and potatoes. I feel so cheated. Damn the 70s! With their bell bottoms and their disco. Damn you to hell!!!!

Killer Frogs were on my most wanted list. I was excited to see this. I can't even cross it off. I feel that wouldn't be fair. I can't believe how it under delivered.

Violence? No?
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Night of the Demons (2009)

A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons.

After what looks to be an awesome Halloween party is shutdown, a group of friends find themselves fighting for their lives as they accidentally summon demons who threaten to take over the world.

Night of the Demons is eh. The special effects are crazy, but as usual for a movie of this genre, it
drags towards the end. There are a few unpredictable moments, but it went on a bit longer than it needed.

They actually included an Action girl montage as the last one standing grabs a shotgun, toughens up, and prepares to kick some ass. I'm a sucker for those scenes. I can spare a half point for that.

What will lose them points is this question:
If you found a centuries old skeleton in a house that isn't yours on Halloween night, Why the hell would you try to steal it's gold teeth? Follow up question: If your friend was bitten by a skeleton, and everyone saw, would you really stay any longer in that house?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Axe Giant is a dark, contemporary take on the tall tale. Kids at a first-time offenders' boot camp discover the legend of lumberjack Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined.

Here's the story of Paul Bunyan. The absolute truth as told by the local crazy Minnesotan Hillbilly:

He was born with a rare disease that allowed him to be big and tall and live longer, but he'd have the mind of a child. [He became a lumberjack as that just made sense, apparently.] Food was scarce, as animals fled the forest due to the over logging and one winter, the local lumberjacks, hungry, tracked and killed Bunyans blue ox, Babe. He found the loggers cooking and eating him and massacred them. He was hunted down and dragged through town for his crime. They tossed him in an old mine shaft filed with dynamite and lit the fuse, then creating the story of Paul Bunyan the delightful lumberjack to keep prosperity and boost tourism. He escaped from the mine shaft and lived in solitude for years, just growing. The kids disturbed the resting place of his best friend and he aims to kill them all.

Because I want to wrap this up, here's how everyone died:

• The Nerd dies when he grabs the business end of the Crazy old man's rifle.
• Latina is killed when she's chucked into a tree by Bunyan.
• Cocky white dude tries to return what he took from Bunyan, but he gets it spiked right into his chest. Then dragged off for good measure.
• Dick w a badge, Sgt hoke, got chopped in half and then stomped.
• Crazy old man was decapitated
• Slut was spilt in two...by Bunyan's axe. [Having been clam-jammed earlier by the counselor, I'm sure she would have preferred it the other way.] 
• Bunyan is killed by taking a fall into the lake after the local town militia showers him in a hail of bullets
  [The blonde, the counselor and the sheriff lived although the town practically did their best to kill them.]

I'm kind of a sucker for these at risk youth forced into camp and destroyed by some monster movies. The kids are always so terrible and I feel nothing but joy watching them get slaughtered. But I have a problem. At first Paul Bunyan is not a Giant. He is some type of Sasquatch like mongoloid. Then he grows. (He looked like that thing from 300 that betrayed them) Fine. Whatever. What I don't get is how and why his axe grew with him. The ox too. His whole legend makes no sense. Fuck Paul Bunyan! Double fuck you to the Shitty CG and melting muscle suit. Jesus Christ it was terrible.

Seriously, What the Fuck is this?!!

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Last Exorcism 2 (2013)

As Nell Sweetzer tries to build a new life after the events of the first movie, the evil force that once possessed her returns with an even more horrific plan.

 

The Cast:

• Nell, a young girl who may or may not have been possessed by the demon Abalam in the first film.
• Abalam, the demon who was in fact real.
• Miss Cleo, who appears later in the film and tries to lend a helping hand during the madness.

 

The Situation: 

Recused from the clutches of Abalam, Nell is cleaned up and starts life anew, attempting to put her past behind her. The demon Abalam, as it turns out, is very real and attempting to consume her body because she's the harbinger of his destruction. Apparently Abalam has left a piece of himself inside Nell, and in a desperate attempt to save her and the world, she undergoes yet another exorcism. As the saying goes, "You're only as good as your first."

The Resolution:

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that shit happens, but I'd be ruining the movie if I told you exactly what went down and since I can't do spoiler tags on this blog, you're boned; Doomed to watch this dreck if you are curious. People do die though, so there's that.

Some days, I think to myself that ghost/demon sex may be the best sex of all.

The Last Exorcism 2 gained points for being a sequel that started off exactly where the first ended, but that's where it stops. Yes, the last "Last" film, ended weird and open to interpretation, and yes, I do hate that, but it was decent enough to pique my interest in the sequel. Which turned out to be a seriously lackluster film. It moved so slow and was so bad that I lost interest quickly and was just waiting for it to end. I want you to understand, the first did not set the bar super high or anything, but it was competent, at least, and told and a story. This was just flat out terrible and a waste of resources.

At least the first had the preacher. He was charismatic enough to carry it through. Nell was the sole highlight of this film. She was creepy and did a solid job maintaining tension but the nothing happening until the very end and then that shit not at all being worth the wait is what hurts the film.

I don't know what I expected, but my feelings are hurt. The only way I'd accept this film is if it was a setup to an action packed third film. But this movie was a turd and should never be mentioned again.

Violence? Yes. Eventually and even that was weak.
Explosions? Of passive aggressiveness.
Nudity? Nada. They could have at least thrown us a bone.

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The Nun (2005)

Years after graduation, the alumnae of a girls' Catholic school are terrorized by the ghost of a sadistic nun from their high school.

Someone or something, is picking off women and making it appear to be suicides or accidents. After the first two victims are killed, a woman sees what appears to be a nun at both scenes.

During a Senior trip to Barcelona, a young woman named Eve, attempts to do research on the school and the nun, since everything occurred in Spain. She meets a priest who helps her to track down another former student and friend of her mom.  Together, they learn that the school had been closed since 1988 the same year the nun disappeared.

After just missing the third victim, Eve and her friends head toward their school to warn the surviving women of what happened. She finds the them and tells them that Sister Ursula is the one killing people. They vehemently deny that it's her because Sister Ursula is dead. Eve presses on, determined to figure out the cause of the murders. Meanwhile nunny is just picking them off - One by one with water related deaths - while working her way towards Eve. Apparently she plays a larger role in this story than is initially let on and according to the other two, she's completely responsible.

I saw this and said, "A movie about a killer nun? I do believe that's a first." Nope, second. Almost forgot about Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Which was fucking terrible. The bar was set so low. How could you fuck that up? Well, let's make like we're on that Street and Count (Ah ah ah):

1. Movie is pretty boring. Definitely slow in the beginning.
2. The Audio is too damn low!
3. You're at the school, the Nun has killed about 3 people already. She's in the school making spooky shit happen. Everyone is arming themselves. When do you have time for a sex scene? Oh wait the lights are back on, now you don't want it?
4. So an entity made of water becomes flesh and blood when completely submerged in water? Wait, this thing kills with water and you plan to flood an area to kill it?
5. The Nun is a ghost. A water based ghost. What exactly do you plan to do with a harpoon? And where exactly did you get a harpoon? Why are there two?
6. So...you've killed a ghost with a harpoon. What's next?

And the ending shoehorned in a completely ridiculous. improbable and impossible twist considering the story that was told and how the first two kills occurred.

The Nun is beyond weak. I'm 0-2 with killer nun movies. I guess they just aren't entertaining. There were a few films I wished I could give a negative score to. Then I realized that it's my blog and I'ma do what I wants to do.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Nameless (1999)

Five years after the grisly murder of a girl identified as her daughter, a woman receives a phone call from a girl claiming that she is her daughter and still alive.

A body is found and it has no identifying marks outside of a leg shorter than the other and a name bracelet found nearby. That is used by the cops to identify her and break the news to her parents, Claudia and Tomàs.

Randomly, she gets a call from someone claiming to be her daughter who says that they wanted her to think that she died and that they'd kill her if they knew that she phoned home. She instructs Claudia to go to the abandoned sanatorium. Once there, she finds a bunch of religious imagery and dead animals and gets convinced that something is up.

She calls former detective Massey as he was familiar with her case and together they dig deeper into the case and find a religious cult that calls themselves "Nameless" and they eventually locate their leader, Santini.

Cool Story, Bro.

Santini and The Nameless believe that Killing and brutally mutilating people creates more of an awareness or spiritual enlightenment.

Long, boring story cut short: I still don't really get the aim of the cult, nor the ending of the film and really hate ending a movie confused.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? One Very very quick, very, very brief flash of titty

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Sinister (2012)

 

A true-crime writer finds a cache of 8mm home movies films that suggest the murder he is currently researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s.

Ellison Oswald, is a selfish asshole and the two most logical people are his wife and the Deputy, who pretty much calls him an idiot to his face for moving there in the first place.

Allow me to explain why he's an asshole:

First of all, his name is Ellison. That's just ridiculous.

Second, he writes true crime fiction and to research and write his latest book, he's moved his family into the former home of The Stevensons, a family of 5 who were hung in the tree in their backyard and who's daughter had gone missing.

He knows damn well that he should never have moved into that house, and when his wife calls him out and explains just that but he's all about finishing his next book and looking towards the money and fame it comes with. She's like, "is it worth sacrificing your wife and kids?" And he's all, "Oh. It must be that time of the month. You're not seeing the bigger picture!"  

There's a scene in which his son contorts himself out of a box for fuck's sake! And he wanted to stay in the fucking house?! More importantly, when he left, he took that kid with him?!

Ridiculous.

Sinister fucking sucked. I don't know what I expected. Actually, no. That's a lie. This came from the same dudes that did Insidious and The Conjuring and I guess I had hyped myself up.

It felt disjointed or just not very well put together. Actually, no, it is well put together, there's just something missing. Shit, I figured out the ending within the first 10 min of the movie and I think that may have been the point where I lost interest.

 Ladies and Gentleman, The Big Bad a.k.a. Mr. Boogie a.k.a. Ba'Guul a.k.a. The Eater of Children.

Of course, my movie partner thoroughly enjoyed this (she likes crap) and was scared out of her wits. The fact that it scared somebody, is the only reason I'm giving it a two.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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House at the End of the Street (2012)

Moving to a new town proves even more stressful for a teenager when she learns that the house next door was the site of a double murder.

JLaw and her mom have moved into a new house near the site of a double murder. Her mother remarks that the Jacobson murders was the only reason they got the house so cheap. Late one night, her mother sees the light on at the murder house and gets understandably freaked as it's supposed to be vacant. It turns out that the Jacobsen's son, Ryan lives in the house. He's inherited it since the murders and not surprisingly, the town has wants to tear down the house and sell the land to the park.

After a night with the DB in sheep's clothing, Tyler, JLaw meets Ryan Jacobson. He offers her a ride, which she quickly turns down because he's pretty fucking creepy, but he claims its going to rain and when accu weather says it's gonna rain, it usually...rains. She quickly climbs into the car and is charmed by his presence and because she knows that she shouldn't be hanging with him. To JLaw, Ryan seems like a lost and tortured soul. However, unbeknownst to her, he is harboring a secret. His sister Carrie Anne is still alive, locked away in a room under the house. 

Fathers hide your daughters. This man is a killer.

 Stray Quotage:

- Dickhole is the new asshole

-Your parents got killed! [First thing she says when she gets in his car.] 

-You know just cuz you were some wasted slut in high school, doesn't mean I will be.

- People don't notice the secrets around them. Although it's right in front of them, waiting to be found. [Little bit of foreshadowing there.]

 

House at the end of the Street is pretty heavy on the bad dialogue and awkward situations.

In addition, It unfortunately became one of those movies where the parents are right to forbid the kids to hang out and the angry mob is actually in the right believing [without reason] that the kid is a monster. [I don't think an angry mob has ever been proven right before. Even the well meaning sheriff believed in Ryan and felt he was picked on and hated without reason. He tried to explain thus in his dying breaths but again, it turned out the town was right. Moral of the story, never have faith in anyone.

Best part of the film? She's chloroformed right after finding a bottle in the car as she tried to escape. She's like, "what's that say? Chlor-o- (rotates bottle) chloroform? Oh shit!"

Bonus: Elizabeth Shue!!!

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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