Witching & Bitching (2013)

In this heist film turned horror-fest, a gang of thieves lands in a coven of witches who are preparing for an ancient ritual -- and need a sacrifice.

If I were trying to talk you into watching this film. I'd say: "Witching and Bitching is like a Spanish version of From Dusk til Dawn in that it starts as one gene and quickly transitions into something darker."

But that's where it ends. Witching & Bitching is a different beast. This shit showed up on my Netflix list and was a five star movie. It basically dared me to watch and I can't express exactly how much I enjoyed it. Tight, hilarious dialogue, committed characters, impressive set pieces and effects, slick direction, this film had it all and each piece kept things moving in the right direction quickly. It's over before you know it.

The only real drawback is the ending. But most movies these days write themselves into a hole so I can forgive that.

With all that said, Witching & Bitching earns a solid 5. It's an  enjoyable film that hits my "5 star" criteria:

• I'd watch it again
• I'm certain others would enjoy it
• I'd buy it.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Celda 211 (2009)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

The Cast:

• Juan Oliver,  a new correctional guard, scheduled to start work tomorrow
• Malamadre, notorious criminal. King of the prison. Voice like Popeye smoked chimneys instead of pipes
• The warden and guards
• Elena, Juan's wife and future baby seal

The Situation:

Touring the prison he's due to start guard work, Juan Oliver struck by falling bricks. As opposed to taking him to the infirmary, the officers on duty take him to Cell 211 to recover. Soon after, a riot breaks out and prisoners take over both the cell block and the entire prison. Out of time, the guards are forced to leave him and he awakens to find himself trapped with the inmates until the situation is resolved.

Stuck inside with no means of escape, Juan immediately gets into prisoner mode, knowing that he must do whatever he can to survive and with virtually no news of what's happening inside the prison, friends and family of the inmates start rioting outside the facility. Right in the thick of things is Juan's pregnant wife, Elena.

The Resolution:

The SWAT team was ready to go the minute they got an opening and they did their jobs when they got the greenlight.

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Celda 211 is actually a pretty tense film. Prison riots are no joke and on top of that, the staff also had to deal with riots outside of the prison as well as someone leaking information to the prisoners.

A couple things threw me off though:

1) At what part does a riot become too much riot? They mobbed outside of the prison, threw rocks at the guards and facility then stopped an ambulance and pulled out its passenger. Why you ask? Because prisoners were rioting inside, some were killed and no one was releasing any information. Only in Spain would they have a riot inside and outside of a prison. Nobody cares that much about the prisoners in America.

2) The ETA members on the outside, decide to create more terrorism in response to their members in the prisons being held hostage. Okay. What do they go with? Car bombings. And not of important people either. Just a quick bombing to let everyone know they are upset about the situation.

Here's my question: Why not just blow up the prison or something? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wait, I'm sure you know where the governor or prime minister lives. How about you use that information? Jerks.

Anyway, besides those two things, Celda 211 is actually quite enjoyable. Malamadre is presented as this really intense and intimidating character and Juan thinks pretty quick on his feet. Both are in a ridiculous situation, but for different reasons and throughout the film as tensions increased, Juan thought more like a prisoner than the guard he was supposed to be.

I found the whole thing interesting for this one concept: In the mouth of madness, how long can you keep your sanity?

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Nun (2005)

Years after graduation, the alumnae of a girls' Catholic school are terrorized by the ghost of a sadistic nun from their high school.

Someone or something, is picking off women and making it appear to be suicides or accidents. After the first two victims are killed, a woman sees what appears to be a nun at both scenes.

During a Senior trip to Barcelona, a young woman named Eve, attempts to do research on the school and the nun, since everything occurred in Spain. She meets a priest who helps her to track down another former student and friend of her mom.  Together, they learn that the school had been closed since 1988 the same year the nun disappeared.

After just missing the third victim, Eve and her friends head toward their school to warn the surviving women of what happened. She finds the them and tells them that Sister Ursula is the one killing people. They vehemently deny that it's her because Sister Ursula is dead. Eve presses on, determined to figure out the cause of the murders. Meanwhile nunny is just picking them off - One by one with water related deaths - while working her way towards Eve. Apparently she plays a larger role in this story than is initially let on and according to the other two, she's completely responsible.

I saw this and said, "A movie about a killer nun? I do believe that's a first." Nope, second. Almost forgot about Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Which was fucking terrible. The bar was set so low. How could you fuck that up? Well, let's make like we're on that Street and Count (Ah ah ah):

1. Movie is pretty boring. Definitely slow in the beginning.
2. The Audio is too damn low!
3. You're at the school, the Nun has killed about 3 people already. She's in the school making spooky shit happen. Everyone is arming themselves. When do you have time for a sex scene? Oh wait the lights are back on, now you don't want it?
4. So an entity made of water becomes flesh and blood when completely submerged in water? Wait, this thing kills with water and you plan to flood an area to kill it?
5. The Nun is a ghost. A water based ghost. What exactly do you plan to do with a harpoon? And where exactly did you get a harpoon? Why are there two?
6. So...you've killed a ghost with a harpoon. What's next?

And the ending shoehorned in a completely ridiculous. improbable and impossible twist considering the story that was told and how the first two kills occurred.

The Nun is beyond weak. I'm 0-2 with killer nun movies. I guess they just aren't entertaining. There were a few films I wished I could give a negative score to. Then I realized that it's my blog and I'ma do what I wants to do.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Nameless (1999)

Five years after the grisly murder of a girl identified as her daughter, a woman receives a phone call from a girl claiming that she is her daughter and still alive.

A body is found and it has no identifying marks outside of a leg shorter than the other and a name bracelet found nearby. That is used by the cops to identify her and break the news to her parents, Claudia and Tomàs.

Randomly, she gets a call from someone claiming to be her daughter who says that they wanted her to think that she died and that they'd kill her if they knew that she phoned home. She instructs Claudia to go to the abandoned sanatorium. Once there, she finds a bunch of religious imagery and dead animals and gets convinced that something is up.

She calls former detective Massey as he was familiar with her case and together they dig deeper into the case and find a religious cult that calls themselves "Nameless" and they eventually locate their leader, Santini.

Cool Story, Bro.

Santini and The Nameless believe that Killing and brutally mutilating people creates more of an awareness or spiritual enlightenment.

Long, boring story cut short: I still don't really get the aim of the cult, nor the ending of the film and really hate ending a movie confused.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? One Very very quick, very, very brief flash of titty

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The Hidden Face (2011)

When his girlfriend vanishes, an orchestra director despairs-- then gradually moves on. But questions about the disappearance linger.

The hidden face is essentially a tale of a "love test" gone wrong told through three different characters.

Adrian is an orchestra conductor who may or may not have been involved with one of his violinists. Belen, his girlfriend, becomes suspicious and takes <i>Cosmo's advice</i> and decides to "test" his love, by pretending to leave him. This backfires when he moves on with his life and begins to date Fabiana, assuming Belen is gone for good.

Initially I felt this way towards the characters:

I want to feel bad for Belen but she fucked up. This is why we tell people to not play games.
I do feel bad for Fabiana. She's an innocent who had no idea what she was getting into.
I do feel bad for Adrian. He's thinking that the love of his life abandoned him and he fell into another relationship. He has no idea what's going on.

By the end of the film however, the three different parts revealed the whole story and my perceptions were all fucked up. No one is was innocent as they seemed.

Pro- tip: don't play games or "test" your significant other. That shit will always backfire. (pic)

The Hidden Face is a solid flick. An international pseudo mystery with a solid story and good characters.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Spanish films are so sensual and so free with the nudity.

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Quick Hits #13

	Series 7: The Contenders (2001) - The film is set up like a reality tv  program where 6 strangers are chosen at random and given guns to compete in a contest where the only prize is their own lives. The last person left alive Is declared the winner. Keeping true to the reality tv theme, Series 7 Opens with a tv intro, has a narrator, and even comes complete with contestant biographies and confessionals. Watching this film, I laughed a bit more than I thought I would. But I wouldn't really recommend it.  I can see why and I get what they are trying to do, and yet it still drags. At The end, the door was left wide open for a sequel, but I'm hoping no studio is that desperate. Out of Ten? 5.5
	True Lies (1994) - You know, I forgot how fun this movie is. I think this was the last great action movie for both Jamie Lee Curtis and The Governator. I think the pairing of the two as husband and wife was odd, but their on-screen chemistry helped to smooth things out. This was also one of the first of the "my husband is a secret agent" films that you see so prevalent now. Also, we get one of the best one-liners captured on film. As the terrorist is hooked to a missle, Arnold hits the launch button, winks and says, "You're Fired." Classic.
	Galaxy Quest (1999) - A group of Aliens belive a TV space crew to be real  heroes and enlist them to save their people and their planet. Big names were attached to this project, and maybe it was the writing or maybe it was the directing, but something failed along the way. Could have been the concept, but something prevented this flick from being as successful as it should have been. With all that being said, it is still an enjoyable cult fave. Out of Ten? 7
	Time Crimes (2007) - Low budget Spanish thriller about a man who accidentally travels back in time and makes a mess of things as he tries to kill himself to restore the timeline. Despite the wtf feeling that generally accompanies time travel films, the writing is actually sharp and everything no matter how crazy, actually brings everything together. Cohesively. Out of Ten? 6.5

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The Orphanage - 2007

A woman brings her family back to her childhood home, where she opens an orphanage for handicapped children. Before long, her son starts to communicate with an invisible new friend.

Shortly after moving into a new home, Laura begins to notice strange things. She starts to remember it was an abandoned orphanage. Her son soon makes a "friend." After her son goes missing(of course), she decides to play with the ghosts in the hope that they'll lead her to him.  Along the way, she uncovers a grisly truth about the orphanage and her connection to the place.

The orphanage is a ghost story. The much is told to you upfront. The fun is in how this story develops.  Little children are creepy and there is no exception in this film. I wouldn't call this a masterpiece, but it is a solid work of fiction.

Out of 10? 7

Solid movie. Better than I expected and just as good on multiple viewings.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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