Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

###############

I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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Blood Lake (2014)

 ****Killer Eels have been #6 on my Most Wanted list for quite some time, so you can imagine my joy when I came across this gem. Netflix and their cavalcade of shitty horror flicks are slowly but surely helping me cross more animals off the list.****

 

Thousands of starved Lamprey eels begun attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, leaving the community scrambling to stay alive.

Blood Lake is exactly what I imagined a movie about Killer Eels world be. The reality of it is that these films are pretty much paint by numbers. Nothing ever really changes except the animal, but it's fun to see people find new and ridiculous ways to get slaughtered in easily avoidable situations. Plus the character that plays the asshole mayor usually gets his comeuppance. Only once has a mayor gotten away with that dicketry.

Anyway, the town is being overrun by Lamprey Eels. They are aggressive, they are hungry, they've eaten through the local ecosystem, and now they have a taste for human blood. It's up to the head of fish and wildlife to put on his big boy pants and save the town and by extension the world.

The characters are stupid and over dramatic, the dialogue is meh, the visuals suck, but damn if those eels don't Fuck people up, and quite honestly, that's all I came to see. I watched worth childlike glee as the dumbest characters died in the most brutal of ways, death by eels.

Fat Shannon Dorety is a bonus and the mayor is played by Christopher Lloyd. His comeuppance? Let's just say the Delorean takes an eel to the tailpipe if you catch my drift. 

 

Even with all of that, it feels longer than it is, so I'll wrap this up the question on all of your minds:

Should we ever find ourselves besieged by killer eels, how would one defeat them? :

• Fire
• Weed whackers
• Electricity
• Dead eels. Yes, dead eels.

 

*Also, I'm fully aware that Eels and Lampreys are two different fish, but it's my blog. So, what's up?

Violence? Hot eel on human action
Explosions? It was raining eels nowhere was safe. Not even underpants
Nudity? Nope.

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+1 (2013)

I had wanted to see this movie ever since I came across It's trailer a few months back. The plot intriguing and I'm curious to see where it goes.

The Cast:

• David
• Jill
• Teddy
• Allison

The Situation:

On the night of a huge party, an object crash lands from space and begins to cause electrical outages in the town.

After the latest outage during the party, a group of friends discover what appear to be clones of themselves and they set out to figure out exactly what has happened. What they learn is that the clones are exact copies of them from an earlier point in day and with each blackout, the clones get closer to real time.

As the night goes on, group one decides to take the other down as a means to survival.

///////////////////

+1 is actually pretty good. The first 30 min are basically like Project X but with an additional romantic subplot. Overall though, it could be better, but it it's definitely pretty good for what it was. I'm not a fan of the ending but it really couldn't end in any other way considering the story that was put forth.

Sidenote: In the craziest night with a wild party AND clones, one dude is hell bent on reclaiming his lost love and his friend Allison seems to only want to fuck herself. Pfft, white people parties are crazy. Seriously. At one point, these mofos lit a tennis ball on fire and started playing with it around the living room.

Anyway, here's the RED BAND trailer: 

Violence? Eventually
Explosions? No
Nudity? Fuck and Yes.

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Dark Skies (2013)

The Cast:

• Felicity
• The Father
• Creepy little boy #1
• The Teen
• J.K. Simmons
• The Greys aka The Space Invaders

The Situation:

A small family in a quiet town finds themselves marked and tormented by strange occurrences, such as the house being attacked by birds, mysterious bruises on their bodies and losing hours at a time in what appear to be minutes. Looking things up online, Felicity finds a connection between the birds, their home and aliens. Eventually they decide to meet with an expert who attempts to help them understand their situation, which is essentially, "They're going to take one of you and you're boned. You're not the first and you won't be the last." To prevent that, they've decided to barricade themselves indoors and await the inevitable. Hoping to fight them off with family unity.

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. This is happening. Shit is real and there's nothing any of them can do to stop it.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

The Greys were probing his mouth in this scene.

When I first heard about Dark Skies, I was under the impression that it was just another insidious/paranormal activity knockoff. While there are some similarities, this movie is different enough to stand on its own. Not saying it's good or bad, just different. On the surface, Dark Skies is a slow burn alien abduction movie that manages to maintain a consistently creepy atmosphere and an impending sense of dread for its characters. 

Beneath the surface though, it's a movie that does nothing for a good long while until it's time to do something and by then the aliens are ready to move. It's both slow and anti climactic. I was sitting there watching it like, "OMG can we just get to the space invaders already!" By the time they do, everything moves so quickly that it's hard to make out exactly what's happening. The end result was already a given, but getting there man...

Random Thoughts/Observations:

• You ever stop to think that aliens have a specific type? Notice that far people are never abducted. Maybe it's harder to get them up the tractor beam? IDK. Either way, being a fat man is the key.
• Idk whether or not a moody teen boy is better or worse than a moody teen girl. But I don't like neither.
• They adopted a dog specifically because they can tell when the aliens are near. The dog was there when they invaded, but wasn't there when the family huddled together? What happened to the dog? I need closure.
• Immediately after dude says that they need to unify their family, they start arguing over what to do next. Classic.
• So evidence points to aliens, and you present this evidence yet you still ask your husband if he's responsible?
• Kids have unexplained bruises and marks on their bodies? Welp, better blame the parents. Especially if you've known them for 20yrs. Who else could it be? I hate that logic.
• I'm a fan of any movie that has felicity banging her head against a glass door. I'm not saying that she sucks, but if there's any actress that should have her head banged against a glass door, it's Keri Russell.
• Getting stoned and watching porn with your bros? Priceless. There's probably a reason your father doesn't want you hanging with that kid.
• It's a fun guessing game to figure out which kid is the creepiest/possessed

Again, the movie is 100% creepy. I've just seen better alien/alien abduction movies. Give Altered a shot.

Violence? Self Harm
Explosions? Of Bright Lights
Nudity? No. Aliens don't want us for sex apparently.

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Cloned: The Reactor Chronicles (2013)

I think I saw this trailer on Hulu. It seemed like an interesting concept. Time travel and stuff with clones are my weakness. There's only one way these things end : with everyone wearing the same clothes and the wrong one getting shot. It's awesome.

The Cast: 

• Derek, Tracy and Craig, the imperfect teens looking forward to camping and chillin.
• Their perfect murderous clones
• Mother Nature ft The Forest

The Situation: 

Three teens are in a canoe, headed towards the campground on Brewster Island. Unbeknownst to them, genetic experiments were carried out on the island, decades ago and the previous day's lightning storm reignited an old experiment.

A lightning storm on the day they've reached the campground  forces them into a nearby cabin for safety. Shit gets thick when the owners return, but they are soon saved by people who appear to be exact duplicates.

The perfect and the imperfect occupy the house together and try to solve the mystery of how everything came to be and what they should do going forward.

...But they know that they can't all co-exist.

Resolution:

I'm sure you can guess the ending. They all end the same. [Is some people gonna die?!]

Cloned is actually a pretty decent film. The end is somewhat predictable, and kinda fucked up, but you can't really be upset. A lot could have been avoided if they had never gone in the house in the first place, but then we wouldn't have a movie.

Stray Quotage:

"Your girlfriend needs a serious lesson in dropping a deuce in the forest."

"We haven't exactly been close lately.
Well, what do you want me to say? You did a singer abroad and I stayed at home and worked at a hardware store."

"I'll paddle slow in case you change your mind."

"Yeah, technically you're great. Maybe even superior. But what's the point if you make the other person feel lousy?"

"It's either we kill them, or they kill us.
Well, can't we negotiate?!"

"We should come up with a password. So we know it's really us. Okay how about Marco!...Polo!
Yeah that's good." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Naked people, but no on screen nipples or dongs

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Rodentz (2001)

A medical experiment gone awry causes a lab rat to turn homicidal, develop psychic powers and balloon to the size of a human.

 Dude, psychic human sized rats? How could I pass this up? (Science is going to doom us all...)

In a lab, a scientist works to create a serum of some type. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Anyway, after his lab tech dumps the last failed batch, it is shown going down the pipes where it eventually comes in contact with rats that were accidentally released by the same tech maybe a week ago.

I think it's implied that the mixture of serums helped to create the psychic rat, but that isn't clearly established, nor does it matter, b/c it's a psychic rat. 

Our first human victim is a whiskey drinking janitor named Douglas. He pulls out a flask and a cigar (which is a classic Douglas move, btw) and comes across the psychic rat. He goes at it with a shovel only to find a cat that was killed previously. Backing into another room, he finds at least 100 rats, who under the direction of La Rata Psychica, take him out.

A group of young adults celebrating their last final, are headed towards the rat den to pick up Walter, the lab tech.  Unbeknownst to them and everyone else that isn't the janitor, (poor Doug), the psychic rat exists and aims to fuck shit up. Once everyone is in place the fun begins.

The rats currently in the lab were injected with a serum that seem to increase their growth. Soon they find that a rat named Brenda has grown large enough to escape from her cage [Never had a penny, never earned minimum wage...] So to sum up, now there are two rats. one psychic and the other huge. Psychic rat had the previous serum, giant rat got the new version and apparently, gigantism was a side effect. Psychic rat rules the basement. Giant rat rules the outside. 

Giant rat (left) is just a giant pissed off rat with no mercy or regard for human life. Psychic rat (right) is like the pied piper. But he's not so much psychic as he can control all the other rats around him.

This movie could have been solved quickly. Or at least the first two deaths could have been prevented. The rats in the basement were due to be incinerated. Call an exterminator and kill them. Then psychic rat has to do his own dirty work and my man Doug would have all the whiskey and titties he he desired.

They discover that the sound of the buildings alarm system can daze or be used to kill the rats and rig a mobile alarm to take them out. That doesn't work so well for the giant rat though, but they manage to take that one out with a car explosion.

Rodentz is bad, but it isn't 100% terrible. I was hoping for the one rat to rule them all, but I guess I can be okay with what I got: Two different rats, one "psychic" one giant, and both very pissed off. Except for some bad cg here and there, the rats were effectively menacing. There's just so many of them and they're all squeaking. It's really unsettling It's way longer than it needs to be, but that's kinda the nature of these films and they left the door open for a sequel.

Stray Quotage:

• I'm looking for her. Look, any rat that size that breaks out of a cage, I'm not looking for
• All i need is whiskey and a soft bosom...I ain't got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.

Fun scenes:

• One of the characters has a "what's happened so far" montage/flashback reminding us of everything that's happened thus far.
• One in which a guy tries to put on a gas mask that he was holding the entire time, only to find a rat hiding inside and gets bitten.
• The other where a guy ducks into a room and barricades it as he's yelling out how he can't get the door open because it's locked but he's really trying, while actually barricading it from the inside.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Brief

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Altered (2006)

 

Fifteen years after the horrific alien abduction of their friends at a Florida farm, four survivors face their enemy and seek revenge.

A group of guys are hunting some life-form in a forest. They somehow manage to catch it and transport it to their friend Wyatt's place. Wyatt is a paranoid recluse who keeps a well armored home in the case of an alien attack. They reveal to Wyatt that they've been hunting the aliens for revenge for years before they caught this one, but he tells them to return it because if they kill it, they will be fucked as it's friends will come for all of them. They intend to return the alien in the morning, but are forced to survive the night as they find out that it has reached out to its people and they're coming. 

 Shit gets real once E.T. gets off the table.

Altered was on the queue for a while, but I didn't really care much for watching it. I heard somewhere that it was good, so I figured that I might as well give it a shot, and I went in with low expectations. Holy shit was it good and much better than I anticipated. It's a goddamn redneck horror story that's tight, well acted, and more importantly, practical. (The characters acted as they ideally would have in their situation.) With a bigger budget, It probably would have been better but it did the most with what it had. I'd say it damn near knocked it out of the park. (For a low budget sci-fi flick).

 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

****Killer Crabs: #3 on the Most Wanted List****

Killer crustaceans unleash their wrath and their sizeable claws on scientists sent to explore their habitat in this Roger Corman classic.

Fallout from the first H bomb test has reached the island and scientists have been sent there to research the effects of nuclear radiation on the island and it's inhabitants. The first crew has disappeared and a group of their colleagues show up on the island to both look for them and to finish their research. Shit gets real immediately as not 5 minutes into the movie the Giant Crab appears and takes a guy's head. The rest of the people on the island decide to stay although it just doesn't feel right to do so and although they are in a perpetual state of unease, they are scientists first and they need to see proof before they jump to conclusions. They get their proof and then some. Of course, one of the scientists knows exactly what's going on, but he remains tight lipped for as long as he can, until Crabzilla has rained his meaty claws down upon them.

There's a huge fun stupid thing about this movie. I want to spoil it because I know none of you will watch it, but shit man... I'm going to write it anyway. You probably won't even read this review:

The Crab Monsters are highly intelligent Crab-Humanoids created from the nuclear fallout of the testing of the first Hydrogen Bomb. They can speak and are homicidal, intending to kill and assimilate everyone in their path and eventually aim to conquer the world of man.

Do you understand what you just read? The crab can fucking talk! If it wasn't for the fact that the Crab was people...literally, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.

Attack of the Crab Monsters has to be watched with "1950s eyes" i.e. paranoid of nuclear everything and distrustful of Russians. It was probably bad at its time, but also scary because it hadn't been done and was completely plausible. The funny thing about it was that they were applying actual science to a movie about a giant killer crab. It's hilarious and one of the few scientifically accurate killer animal films. I shall found it funny that it ended just as abruptly as it started.

I'm determined to knock off every different killer animal movie I can and I had never seen a movie with a killer crab. Netflix just kinda dropped this in my lap. What was I supposed to do?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

 

 

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.

Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I.Joe team is terminated by the President's order, and the surviving team members face off again Zartan, his accomplices, and the world leaders he has under his influence. Since the last film, The Cobra Commander and Destro have been captured. Storm Shadow and Zoltan have escaped and Duke now commands the team with Roadblock as his #2. 

The United States government and specifically the office of the president has been compromised. Zartan, using nano technology has been posing as the president. He intends to break out the Cobra Commander and completely wipe out the Joes. He declares them enemies of the state and gives orders to have them eliminated. After suffering heavy losses in the nighttime raid, Roadblock, Flint, Snakeyes and Lady Jay are forced to go underground to get revenge, defeat Cobra and clear their names.

Here's what I didn't like about this movie: 

• The RZA. Why does It feel like you can't have a movie, involving any type of martial art and not include him? How is he the Joe's Kung-fu Grandmaster? The RZA sucks and this is just entirely too much RZA for me.
• According to this story, Storm Shadow was set up by Zartan when he was a child. But that would make Zartan significantly older than he is in the present day. That's ridiculous.
• After the Joes rescue the President, they claim there's no casualties, yet they killed every Secret Service agent on the way to get him.
• How exactly does Storm Shadow get a hold of a snake eyes suit?
• Bruce Willis. It feels like he was included only to give the film a solid "big name."
• Also, Storm Shadow gets redemption? No. Don't change him because you felt guilty for liking him in the first. Dude is a Ninja. Good or bad, you're supposed to like him. Ninjas are dope.

Here's what I did like:

• The chemistry between The Rock and Channing Tatum is crazy. I actually kinda hope they do a buddy cop movie in the future. Their banter was hilarious.
• The Rock himself is hilarious and the dude is huge. It's ridiculous how small pistols look in his hands.
• The Action and Visual effects are crazy and within 5 min you are aware that this is already a better film than that other crap.
• Boyd Crowder is in this movie! I'm excited. He's awesome.
• Titus Pullo aka Frank Castle has a meaty role. 
• There's a "Cobra uses red lasers" reference!
• Roadblock challenging Snake Eyes as the most badass character. 
• The extended ninja sequence, because ninjas are awesome.
• Bruce Willis. He was actually kind of a beast. 
• The events of the last film are never mentioned except to introduce us to the new cast and to reintroduce the Cobra Commander, who looks fantastic and is all about the slow motion intimidating walk. (He does nothing outside of that.)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a fun popcorn flick. Probably could have been better overall, but I wouldn't ask for more than what I got. Definitely better than Rise of Cobra and now maybe, hopefully, we can finally throw some flour on that wet turd, scoop it up and toss it from our memories.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? You would have thought this was a Michael Bay film.
Nudity? No.

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G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)

An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.

I actually watched this crap and the only thing in noticed rising was my rage. (Hey Ladies... ;-))
Snake eyes and Storm Shadow are clearly the best parts and characters of the film. [Because Ninjas are always fucking awesome. and it takes a lot to make them lame (I'm looking at you American Ninja...)] The entire movie had this cheesy B-Movie feel. Channing (All over your) Tatum, the Armored suits, the reveal of the "Cobra Commander," all of that was the lame icing on this turd cake.

Seriously, what did it really establish besides shitting on a beloved piece of our childhood and spitting in the face of basic physical science? For Fuck's Sake, They had a secret ice base that somehow sank into the ocean!

This movie was beyond crap.

Violence? Yes
Explosions?  Yes
Nudity?  No

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I Am Legend (2007)

Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure.

I feel like I should write more about this movie. But you know something? Fuck this movie!

It sucked so hard the first time i watched. But I thought, "everyone loved it, it really can't be that bad. you're being biased." So I watched it again, and I couldn't believe how much it actually did suck. I think people got caught up in the visuals.

  
These are the questions I have for lovers of this movie:

• Why/how is Will Smith's character a scientist?
• Why is it that he's the only one who can stop it? 
• If he really was that valuable, why would anyone leave him there by himself? 
• Was there really just one single solitary lion roaming New York City? 

 
This movie sucked so hard, but everyone was so busy sucking Will to notice.

I'm so over it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Too big to fail?

Q: What happens when you have a project soooo good, that everyone wants to be in on it?

A: You make it an ensemble movie, try to give everyone equal billing, and hope against hope that all of those actors mesh, and the plot is thick enough to support the extra weight.

Hollywood has taken this approach numerous times. Has it worked? Or Has it failed? The answer is yes to both. Personally, I'd say they fail more often than not, but that's a debate for another day.

Today, I'm just listing 10 ensemble flicks. Nothing more, nothing less.

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Paul (2011)

Two sci-fi geeks take a pilgrimage to America's UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

 Nearly any movie starring Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost is worth a watch. This one adds Seth Rogen as the titular (hee hee, titular) alien, Paul, who stumbles into the pair as they sight-see in Roswell, NM. Of course the Govt is trying to get him back and well, hijinks ensue. I'd say Paul was pretty well done and a film I'd easily recommend. Plus Nick Frost with hippie hair? I'm in.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Bay (2012)

This grisly tale of horror follows events in a seaside town as a deadly menace invests the bay and turns residents into hosts for mutant parasites.

After the media reports of what happened are shown, a woman recounts her story of what actually happened 3 years ago amid a massive government cover-up. She was present first-hand when the events unfolded that wiped out the town of xxx and She's telling her story to a news blog, not for fame or fortune, but to spread the truth. With the help of archived footage, she presents the story and fills in the details of the day.

When I saw that The Bay was centered around parasites, my first thoughts were "I bet one of them goes into someone's ear. Why do parasites always go in through the ear? That shit is so not cool."

Luckily, none of that happened. The parasites are present, but they don't actually appear for a while. In the meanwhile, we're privy to a character study of a whole town that is quite literally destroyed from the inside out and having that story told for the first time. The way this movie is presented is weird though. As I mentioned earlier, it's a combination of video footage and narration that is both very ambitious and definitely original in presentation.

The Bay is actually a really creepy film, and one of the best found footage films I've seen as it uses its production to set the ambiance perfectly. You only see the parasites like twice really, but they are an effective plot device and everything comes together without too many loose ends. Also, you'll watch this and know it's just a movie, but I wouldn't be surprised if you swore off of water, Maryland, or the Chesapeake Bay for a bit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Battle: Bigfoot (2012) vs Sasquatch (2003)

I don't think I've ever seen a Bigfoot movie outside of Harry and the Hendersons. I saw these two on Netflix and figured I'd kill birds with stones. I did a comparison and holy black on a Popo, did Bigfoot suck.


The Poster

On first glance, I would give this to Sasquatch. He looks more menacing. Plus any incarnation of Bigfoot should never ever be that far out of a forest. 

Winner: Sasquatch.

The Plots:

Sasquatch: After finding the mutilated bodies of the crew of a downed plane in a forest, a rescue party realizes there's something deadly in the woods with them.

Bigfoot: After Bigfoot unleashes his wrath on music lovers at an outdoor music festival, crunchy granola peacenik Simon Quinn vows to save the Sasquatch.

Uh, they are both equally terrible. I can't give a victory to either of them.

Winner: Neither.

The Cast:

Sasquatch: Lance Henriksen, Erica Durance.

Bigfoot: Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Andre Royo, Sherilyn Fenn, Alice Cooper

Pfft. As much as I want to hate on BonaDouchy, there is really no contest. Not only did they get the Partridge and Brady families together, they got Bubbles from The Wire, and Alice Cooper too.

Winner: Bigfoot.


The Monster:

 Bigfoot:

Sasquatch:

The monster in Bigfoot was an atrocious Computer Generated hairy turd, that only hot larger as the movie went on.

The Sasquatch -outright- looks like the offspring of a Sasquatch, a Viking and a zulu warrior. But he still looks better than that other crappy version.

Winner: You tell me which one looks more like a "missing link." Sasquatch


Monster in Action:

Bigfoot: Bigfoot was a rampaging beast. All he did was run amok and eat people. And grow.
He also has tunnel vision and a taste for human blood. 

Sasquatch: Sasquatch was a thinking man's monster. he only killed for revenge and he tried to mate with a human female. He watches from a distance and torments them from afar. Even going so far as to frame a deer for his actions.

This one was tough. I'm all for reckless monster killing, but no matter how many heads he ate, the Bigfoot really was terrible. Sasquatch dragged a woman through the woods, and then killed her when she rejected him. If that isn't horny male behaviour (Yes, with a "u") idk what is.

Winner: Sasquatch


Defeating the Beast:

Bigfoot: Goes on a rampage that ends with him, the heroes and Roosevelt's face being blown up at Mt. Rushmore.

Sasquatch: Sasquatch revealed himself and stares at the remaining guy. The story ends there. an epilogue reveals that although they knew he was real, they denied his existence.

Winner: Bigfoot. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an actual ending.


Final Tally/Thoughts:
Although it was close, Sasquatch pulls it out 3-2.  Sasquatch was easily the better film. Bigfoot was like the worst of all killer animal bad movies. I just wish I could give negative stars as a score. From the graphics, to the audio, to the dialogue and even the cast, i don't think there's a single redeeming quality to this film. Syfy has done way better shit than this. They were clearly mailing this one in. AND, how the fuck does a Bigfoot turn into the Scrappy Doo version of King Kong? To top it all off, they teased me yet again, with a Gatling gun. Fired for 2 seconds. Again, I need more. 

So since Sasquatch is a better film, it'll get the score.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Spiders (2013)

When huge mutant spiders invade New York's subway, a transit supervisor and a health inspector must try to stop the spread of the killer arachnids.

Spiders are shown in space aboard a satellite that they've ravaged. It is then broken by a passing asteroid and crashes into earth. Directly into the nyc subway system. [I don't really think they're actually in New York though. Bastards.]

The first guy to die is named Jimmy. Hah. Classic Jimmy. They claim he hit the third rail and was electrified. Unsatisfied with that logic, his boss heads into the tunnels to try and piece together what happened.
His ex wife is down there for some reason as a health inspector and refuses to give the okay to re open the subway. Citing the dead rats and the space waste. [Somehow the health department has jurisdiction over the subway tunnels. You have to love Bloombergs New York.]

It's revealed that the spiders are actually an alien life form who--after gene splicing-- have taken the form of spiders and a Russian scientist is working with a U.S. military commander to obtain the queen egg for nefarious purposes. That egg was once inside of Jimmys body, and had since been removed by our hero and his ex. Barely confined to the subway, the Spiders breach the surface and are now above ground seeking to make a larger nest for their queen, who comes through and predictably fucks things up. The army, the navy, and the entire nypd tried and failed to take her down. You want to know how they beat her? She was rammed to death by a speeding train car that pushed her into the subways electrical grid.

Two quick thoughts:

I first thought they would automatically be giant killer spiders and I was disappointed that they weren't. They are pretty big, but nothing like what's on the cover. The only thing better than killer animals is Giant killer animals. Then they said just about the best thing a guy like me could hear, "They grow Six inches per hour." Aka like Master Wu say, "patience grasshopper. Giant Spider must grow first"

People like to gawk and spectate. Once the area was cordoned off, there were nothing but bystanders. They told them it was a virus which predictably put them in a panic. What if they had just told them that it was spiders? Giant fucking spiders. I guarantee you that area would have been clear. Except for a few nutjobs with "we heart spiders" signs.

Ooohh: Let's play Do You know how I know?

Do you know how I know they aren't in NY?

• The health department operates like a research and development lab and has their own cars.
• Dude was on the phone, in a moving train car, traveling underground and talked from the time he got on the train until he got off.

You know how i know this is a bad movie?  The Dialogue.

• "They've quarantined Emma, in the apt. i can't get to her." "We have to go find her" Sigh. 
• So what's the plan? Well we're gonna get past the heavily armed guards and the giant spiders, get Emily, and get her past the heavily armed guards and giant spiders then get out of here."

You know how else?

• The military are entirely overpaid and inefficient. They had a fucking gattling gun! And couldn't hit shit. The spiders were like 8 ft by this point. There's no fucking excuse.
• All of the spiders have teeth. Which is ridiculous. But since they are technically space creatures, I'll allow it. Chang?

 

Sidenote: I need more Gatling Gun in my life. Dude was on it for like 2 secs before the spiders got him. That's not enough. They need to make like Busta Rhymes and gimme some more. 


Spiders was pretty bad, but It also had its unintentionally funny moments. Like how it shocked the scientist when the rogue colonel went rogue and turned on him too. I found that funny. Also how they killed the queen and walked away. just disregarding the rest of the colony. I guess we're just gonna forget about them, huh?

Anyway, Sometimes you find yourself in the mood for a bad movie. ::Shrug:: This time: Spiders aka Spiders 3D. Yes, Seriously. It was 3D. The main draw was space spiders. How could i pass that up?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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