When huge mutant spiders invade New York's subway, a transit supervisor and a health inspector must try to stop the spread of the killer arachnids.
Spiders are shown in space aboard a satellite that they've ravaged. It is then broken by a passing asteroid and crashes into earth. Directly into the nyc subway system. [I don't really think they're actually in New York though. Bastards.]
The first guy to die is named Jimmy. Hah. Classic Jimmy. They claim he hit the third rail and was electrified. Unsatisfied with that logic, his boss heads into the tunnels to try and piece together what happened.
His ex wife is down there for some reason as a health inspector and refuses to give the okay to re open the subway. Citing the dead rats and the space waste. [Somehow the health department has jurisdiction over the subway tunnels. You have to love Bloombergs New York.]
It's revealed that the spiders are actually an alien life form who--after gene splicing-- have taken the form of spiders and a Russian scientist is working with a U.S. military commander to obtain the queen egg for nefarious purposes. That egg was once inside of Jimmys body, and had since been removed by our hero and his ex. Barely confined to the subway, the Spiders breach the surface and are now above ground seeking to make a larger nest for their queen, who comes through and predictably fucks things up. The army, the navy, and the entire nypd tried and failed to take her down. You want to know how they beat her? She was rammed to death by a speeding train car that pushed her into the subways electrical grid.
Two quick thoughts:
I first thought they would automatically be giant killer spiders and I was disappointed that they weren't. They are pretty big, but nothing like what's on the cover. The only thing better than killer animals is Giant killer animals. Then they said just about the best thing a guy like me could hear, "They grow Six inches per hour." Aka like Master Wu say, "patience grasshopper. Giant Spider must grow first"
People like to gawk and spectate. Once the area was cordoned off, there were nothing but bystanders. They told them it was a virus which predictably put them in a panic. What if they had just told them that it was spiders? Giant fucking spiders. I guarantee you that area would have been clear. Except for a few nutjobs with "we heart spiders" signs.
Ooohh: Let's play Do You know how I know?
Do you know how I know they aren't in NY?
- The health department operates like a research and development lab and has their own cars.
- Dude was on the phone, in a moving train car, traveling underground and talked from the time he got on the train until he got off.
- "They've quarantined Emma, in the apt. i can't get to her." "We have to go find her" Sigh.
- So what's the plan? Well we're gonna get past the heavily armed guards and the giant spiders, get Emily, and get her past the heavily armed guards and giant spiders then get out of here."
You know how else?
- The military are entirely overpaid and inefficient. They had a fucking gattling gun! And couldn't hit shit. The spiders were like 8 ft by this point. There's no fucking excuse.
- All of the spiders have teeth. Which is ridiculous. But since they are technically space creatures, I'll allow it. Chang?
Sidenote: I need more Gatling Gun in my life. Dude was on it for like 2 secs before the spiders got him. That's not enough. They need to make like Busta Rhymes and gimme some more.
Spiders was pretty bad, but It also had its unintentionally funny moments. Like how it shocked the scientist when the rogue colonel went rogue and turned on him too. I found that funny. Also how they killed the queen and walked away. just disregarding the rest of the colony. I guess we're just gonna forget about them, huh?
Anyway, Sometimes you find yourself in the mood for a bad movie. ::Shrug:: This time: Spiders aka Spiders 3D. Yes, Seriously. It was 3D. The main draw was space spiders. How could i pass that up?
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No
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