Blood Lake (2014)

 ****Killer Eels have been #6 on my Most Wanted list for quite some time, so you can imagine my joy when I came across this gem. Netflix and their cavalcade of shitty horror flicks are slowly but surely helping me cross more animals off the list.****

 

Thousands of starved Lamprey eels begun attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, leaving the community scrambling to stay alive.

Blood Lake is exactly what I imagined a movie about Killer Eels world be. The reality of it is that these films are pretty much paint by numbers. Nothing ever really changes except the animal, but it's fun to see people find new and ridiculous ways to get slaughtered in easily avoidable situations. Plus the character that plays the asshole mayor usually gets his comeuppance. Only once has a mayor gotten away with that dicketry.

Anyway, the town is being overrun by Lamprey Eels. They are aggressive, they are hungry, they've eaten through the local ecosystem, and now they have a taste for human blood. It's up to the head of fish and wildlife to put on his big boy pants and save the town and by extension the world.

The characters are stupid and over dramatic, the dialogue is meh, the visuals suck, but damn if those eels don't Fuck people up, and quite honestly, that's all I came to see. I watched worth childlike glee as the dumbest characters died in the most brutal of ways, death by eels.

Fat Shannon Dorety is a bonus and the mayor is played by Christopher Lloyd. His comeuppance? Let's just say the Delorean takes an eel to the tailpipe if you catch my drift. 

 

Even with all of that, it feels longer than it is, so I'll wrap this up the question on all of your minds:

Should we ever find ourselves besieged by killer eels, how would one defeat them? :

• Fire
• Weed whackers
• Electricity
• Dead eels. Yes, dead eels.

 

*Also, I'm fully aware that Eels and Lampreys are two different fish, but it's my blog. So, what's up?

Violence? Hot eel on human action
Explosions? It was raining eels nowhere was safe. Not even underpants
Nudity? Nope.

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The Killer Shrews (1959)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

***Killer Shrews are #49 on the Most Wanted Killer Animals List***

On an isolated island, a small group of people are terrorized by giant voracious shrews in the midst of a hurricane.

Seriously, killer shrews? Yeah, I'm in.

The Cast:

• There's Captain Thorne, our hero.
• Ann the damsel in distress/zoologist.
• Jerry the muscle/jealous ex.
• Mario the latino servant/handyman
• Drs. Baines and Craigis
• And Rook, Thorne's shipmate and right hand negro

The Situation:

On a remote island, a team of scientists carry out genetic experiments with the goal of making smaller humans. They had been using the local wildlife as test subjects. In an unintended result, the shrews, became giant sized.

As they have exhausted their food supply, the humans are beginning to look mighty tasty and they are desperate to get at them. The film then subtly transitions into survival horror as they try to wait it out in a wooden house surrounded by shrews who are slowly eating their way through.

For the humans, The only way off the island is the boat that is docked on the other side of the island. Aka they'll have to walk directly through the beasts.

Here's a quick rundown of what they're up against:

• There are about the 300
• They are giant
• They weigh about 100lbs
• They dig
• They are extremely poisonous
• They are starving which makes them deadlier.

How They Escape:

Creating a walking tank out of aluminum barrels and duck walking across the beach then swimming to the boat once they hit water. Try as they might, those crazy shrews just couldn't bite through. Idk they didn't just dig though.

Dig! Dig you Fools! Work for your Meal!!!

The Killer Shrews is a surprisingly well paced film. It was an hour long movie that felt longer than it was as the first half was all set-up, dialogue and characterization, yet there was still time for action when it was time to escape the island. I'm an impatient guy though. I was calling for the shrews about ten minutes in. "No more talking, just get to the shrews, dammit!!!!"

You should know that this is a black and white picture and in addition to the shrews, the dialogue is something to look out for. One of the characters, Jerry, is a legit punching bag for the bulk of the film. It's hilarious. Second best part of the movie, aside from it being about Giant Killer Shrews, of course.

I like the old killer animal films. They are inventive and most importantly, they are only an hr long. Plus, even in the 50s the black dude is the first to go. Shrews like dark meat, I guess.

Stray Quotage:

• Jerry: Everyone in the world is scared of something. Ann: Yeah that's evident. When they came at us last night, you knocked me down to get inside the fence.
Jerry: It's just that I can't stand them.
Ann: And I've discovered something I can't stand...


• Ann: I know. I'm not saying you created them Jerry, I am saying that because of your drunken stupidity in leaving the cage door open, you've created the horrible situation which now exists. 
Jerry: This was a mistake any one of us would have probably made.


• Ann: I'm Sorry I had to threaten you with a gun. But I didn't know how else to stop you.
  Thorne: No, it was very effective. But all you had to do was tell me about them.
  


• Ann: You're a strange man Thorne. You just seem so disinterested in everything.
  Thorne: Let me tell you something. I'm only interested in anything that concerns me. Then I do something about it.
  


• Dr. Craigis: We can't afford to get even so much as a scratch from these animals.
  Thorne: What do you think they're all affected?
  Jerry: Best way to find out is key then all bite you and see what bites you die after.
  Thorne: We might just all get that chance, Jerry. You included!"

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Bait (2012)

A freak tsunami traps shoppers at a coastal Australian supermarket inside the building - along with a 12-foot Great White Shark.

Before shit gets real, all of the animals in town are uneasy and if that's one thing I've learned from movies is to always pay attention to the animals. When animals are uneasy, some shit is about to go down.

The Cast:

Josh [lost his bff in a previous shark attack ]
Tina [who possesses a thousand yard stare]
The dude from nip tuck, who's being blackmailed [The Game is the Game]
Kyle, the douchebag that every must be in every shark film. [a.k.a. shark bait ]
Klepto Kelly and her bf [I have no idea if her name is Kelly, but I think she stole that too]

The Situation:

An earthquake causes a tsunami that hits  Australia. In town is a supermarket which is literally flooded and leaves only a few survivors in its chaos. Soon they discover that not only are they trapped inside, the waves also brought in two 12ft Great White sharks, -one in the parking lot and one in the market- who have tasted human flesh and are hunting for more.

The Resolution:

Hooks, ropes and guns. I'd say it was handled appropriately. 

[Name one thing you're gonna need this stupid fucking rope for!]

Stray Quotage:

- You know, once you get past that gag reflex, it's actually not that bad. [That's what she said.]

- Piss off!
    What do you think your mother would think of all of this?
   PISS. OFF!

- A shark's only curious about one thing. It's trying to decide if we're food or not. [Read that in an Australian accent]

 - You gotta do something.

        What the fuck do I do, ask it to go away?!

 - I'm not a murderer.
     Yes you are. You're a dog murderer. Which is worse than a person murderer." [He was dead the minute she said "murderer." Sharks hate murderers.]

Bait is an Australian killer shark movie that has been on my radar for a bit and I finally found some downtime to get it in. Surprisingly, I Enjoyed it a bit more than I thought I would. It is in no way a game changing film, but there's a simple premise and solid execution which definitely sells it as what I'd consider a good and original shark attack film. Basically , there are several people trapped inside of a flooded supermarket that's filled with sharks. Tense moments abound as the situation gets keeps getting worse for those involved. 

To lighten the mood though, here are a few of the more humorous parts of the film:

• The first victim is an old guy because fuck old people.
• There's a super dramatic "Nooooo!" After someone else gets chomped.
• Tsunami waves come crashing into town and despite everyone screaming and running, the surfers get super excited and run the other way, towards the water.

Again, I'd say this movie is solid. (Especially compared to other fairly recent shark attack films.) I enjoyed it. I'd come over and watch it again if invited. I'll even bring beer.

Violence? Shark related
Explosions? Of shark related violence.
Nudity? Did you know that sharks are naked? They swim faster without clothes, apparently.

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Frogs (1972)

** Killer Frogs are #4 on the Most Wanted Killer Animal List***

When a millionaire who kills any animal that moves on his island estate refuses to mend his ways, the swamp critters mete out some amphibian justice.

Pickett Smith is nearly killed by Clint and his sister Karen during a day out on the river. They take him to their grandfather's island to dry off and invite him to their family's picnic to atone. The old man, Jason, is very impatient and is looking for a way to get rid of the frogs as they have seemingly infested his island and have become a nuisance to him and his family. He believes that man is the master of all and he has a kill em all attitude.

Pickett posits that nature is trying to get back at him, but that's quickly dismissed although the island is surrounded by frogs (a fact which the film reminds us of after and sometimes during every scene) who stare and croak ominously and his family is picked off one by one.

My main concern with a movie like this was, "How exactly will the frogs kill?"  And I got my answer. They croak in unison which is apparently just enough to give an old man a heart attack.

Here's s list of everything that kills or is implied to have killed in this movie:

Snakes, Tarantulas, Komodo Dragons, Lizards, Leeches, Alligators, Iguanas. Even a goddamn turtle got in on the action along with land (swamp?) Crabs and Birds

Here's a list of everything that hasn't:

Frogs.

The frogs were more ringleaders than killers. Every other animal seemed to be acting under their command, but I was promised killer frogs goddammit! Those other animals were supposed to be a appetizer not the meat and potatoes. I feel so cheated. Damn the 70s! With their bell bottoms and their disco. Damn you to hell!!!!

Killer Frogs were on my most wanted list. I was excited to see this. I can't even cross it off. I feel that wouldn't be fair. I can't believe how it under delivered.

Violence? No?
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Rodentz (2001)

A medical experiment gone awry causes a lab rat to turn homicidal, develop psychic powers and balloon to the size of a human.

 Dude, psychic human sized rats? How could I pass this up? (Science is going to doom us all...)

In a lab, a scientist works to create a serum of some type. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Anyway, after his lab tech dumps the last failed batch, it is shown going down the pipes where it eventually comes in contact with rats that were accidentally released by the same tech maybe a week ago.

I think it's implied that the mixture of serums helped to create the psychic rat, but that isn't clearly established, nor does it matter, b/c it's a psychic rat. 

Our first human victim is a whiskey drinking janitor named Douglas. He pulls out a flask and a cigar (which is a classic Douglas move, btw) and comes across the psychic rat. He goes at it with a shovel only to find a cat that was killed previously. Backing into another room, he finds at least 100 rats, who under the direction of La Rata Psychica, take him out.

A group of young adults celebrating their last final, are headed towards the rat den to pick up Walter, the lab tech.  Unbeknownst to them and everyone else that isn't the janitor, (poor Doug), the psychic rat exists and aims to fuck shit up. Once everyone is in place the fun begins.

The rats currently in the lab were injected with a serum that seem to increase their growth. Soon they find that a rat named Brenda has grown large enough to escape from her cage [Never had a penny, never earned minimum wage...] So to sum up, now there are two rats. one psychic and the other huge. Psychic rat had the previous serum, giant rat got the new version and apparently, gigantism was a side effect. Psychic rat rules the basement. Giant rat rules the outside. 

Giant rat (left) is just a giant pissed off rat with no mercy or regard for human life. Psychic rat (right) is like the pied piper. But he's not so much psychic as he can control all the other rats around him.

This movie could have been solved quickly. Or at least the first two deaths could have been prevented. The rats in the basement were due to be incinerated. Call an exterminator and kill them. Then psychic rat has to do his own dirty work and my man Doug would have all the whiskey and titties he he desired.

They discover that the sound of the buildings alarm system can daze or be used to kill the rats and rig a mobile alarm to take them out. That doesn't work so well for the giant rat though, but they manage to take that one out with a car explosion.

Rodentz is bad, but it isn't 100% terrible. I was hoping for the one rat to rule them all, but I guess I can be okay with what I got: Two different rats, one "psychic" one giant, and both very pissed off. Except for some bad cg here and there, the rats were effectively menacing. There's just so many of them and they're all squeaking. It's really unsettling It's way longer than it needs to be, but that's kinda the nature of these films and they left the door open for a sequel.

Stray Quotage:

• I'm looking for her. Look, any rat that size that breaks out of a cage, I'm not looking for
• All i need is whiskey and a soft bosom...I ain't got the bosom, but I got the whiskey.

Fun scenes:

• One of the characters has a "what's happened so far" montage/flashback reminding us of everything that's happened thus far.
• One in which a guy tries to put on a gas mask that he was holding the entire time, only to find a rat hiding inside and gets bitten.
• The other where a guy ducks into a room and barricades it as he's yelling out how he can't get the door open because it's locked but he's really trying, while actually barricading it from the inside.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Brief

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Snake Island (2002)

En route to an African resort, unsuspecting American tourists detour to Snake Island, where they come face to face with some scary fanged residents.

A group of tourists are on a boat ride in Africa. The crew makes a pit stop at a place called snake island where they attempt to retrieve their missing crewmen. A snake appears on the boat, and their fuel line is cut in a panic. Stranded on Snake Island, they're forced to hang out until they can get access to a new boat in the morning. 

According to legend, it wasn't always an island, but a dam broke and it was formed in a flood. When people went to seeking refuge, they found that the snakes were there first killed anyone who stepped foot on the island. Everyone think it's an African urban legend until the snakes strike and they recognize that shit has indeed gotten real.

Line of the film: 

"You think they'll be back?" Well with my experience in this genre, I'd say yes."

Snake Island supposes that the snakes of the island have been killing off all humans to protect themselves. They tease the snakes early and often, -appearing here and there -but never really do anything but inconvenience everyone. They did kill a bit to thin the numbers, but the action picks up during the last 30 min of the film when they launch a full scale attack and trap survivors in a house.

Idk. I was in the mood for a bad film. Plus killing birds with stones, I get another killer animal movie to add to the list. Plus I think I saw a dude break a snakes neck. (Wha????) That's when I knew that this film had gone on longer than it needed.

Sidenote: You should know that there's a strip tease in this film for no good reason. It serves no purpose, but I will never not be happy for gratuitous nudity.

Violence? Hot snake on man action
Explosions? Of death by snake
Nudity? Hah. Oh yeah. Sexy ass snakes. All naked. Oh and some human titty, but who wants that?

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Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)

****Killer Crabs: #3 on the Most Wanted List****

Killer crustaceans unleash their wrath and their sizeable claws on scientists sent to explore their habitat in this Roger Corman classic.

Fallout from the first H bomb test has reached the island and scientists have been sent there to research the effects of nuclear radiation on the island and it's inhabitants. The first crew has disappeared and a group of their colleagues show up on the island to both look for them and to finish their research. Shit gets real immediately as not 5 minutes into the movie the Giant Crab appears and takes a guy's head. The rest of the people on the island decide to stay although it just doesn't feel right to do so and although they are in a perpetual state of unease, they are scientists first and they need to see proof before they jump to conclusions. They get their proof and then some. Of course, one of the scientists knows exactly what's going on, but he remains tight lipped for as long as he can, until Crabzilla has rained his meaty claws down upon them.

There's a huge fun stupid thing about this movie. I want to spoil it because I know none of you will watch it, but shit man... I'm going to write it anyway. You probably won't even read this review:

The Crab Monsters are highly intelligent Crab-Humanoids created from the nuclear fallout of the testing of the first Hydrogen Bomb. They can speak and are homicidal, intending to kill and assimilate everyone in their path and eventually aim to conquer the world of man.

Do you understand what you just read? The crab can fucking talk! If it wasn't for the fact that the Crab was people...literally, I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much.

Attack of the Crab Monsters has to be watched with "1950s eyes" i.e. paranoid of nuclear everything and distrustful of Russians. It was probably bad at its time, but also scary because it hadn't been done and was completely plausible. The funny thing about it was that they were applying actual science to a movie about a giant killer crab. It's hilarious and one of the few scientifically accurate killer animal films. I shall found it funny that it ended just as abruptly as it started.

I'm determined to knock off every different killer animal movie I can and I had never seen a movie with a killer crab. Netflix just kinda dropped this in my lap. What was I supposed to do?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Bay (2012)

This grisly tale of horror follows events in a seaside town as a deadly menace invests the bay and turns residents into hosts for mutant parasites.

After the media reports of what happened are shown, a woman recounts her story of what actually happened 3 years ago amid a massive government cover-up. She was present first-hand when the events unfolded that wiped out the town of xxx and She's telling her story to a news blog, not for fame or fortune, but to spread the truth. With the help of archived footage, she presents the story and fills in the details of the day.

When I saw that The Bay was centered around parasites, my first thoughts were "I bet one of them goes into someone's ear. Why do parasites always go in through the ear? That shit is so not cool."

Luckily, none of that happened. The parasites are present, but they don't actually appear for a while. In the meanwhile, we're privy to a character study of a whole town that is quite literally destroyed from the inside out and having that story told for the first time. The way this movie is presented is weird though. As I mentioned earlier, it's a combination of video footage and narration that is both very ambitious and definitely original in presentation.

The Bay is actually a really creepy film, and one of the best found footage films I've seen as it uses its production to set the ambiance perfectly. You only see the parasites like twice really, but they are an effective plot device and everything comes together without too many loose ends. Also, you'll watch this and know it's just a movie, but I wouldn't be surprised if you swore off of water, Maryland, or the Chesapeake Bay for a bit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Battle: Bigfoot (2012) vs Sasquatch (2003)

I don't think I've ever seen a Bigfoot movie outside of Harry and the Hendersons. I saw these two on Netflix and figured I'd kill birds with stones. I did a comparison and holy black on a Popo, did Bigfoot suck.


The Poster

On first glance, I would give this to Sasquatch. He looks more menacing. Plus any incarnation of Bigfoot should never ever be that far out of a forest. 

Winner: Sasquatch.

The Plots:

Sasquatch: After finding the mutilated bodies of the crew of a downed plane in a forest, a rescue party realizes there's something deadly in the woods with them.

Bigfoot: After Bigfoot unleashes his wrath on music lovers at an outdoor music festival, crunchy granola peacenik Simon Quinn vows to save the Sasquatch.

Uh, they are both equally terrible. I can't give a victory to either of them.

Winner: Neither.

The Cast:

Sasquatch: Lance Henriksen, Erica Durance.

Bigfoot: Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Andre Royo, Sherilyn Fenn, Alice Cooper

Pfft. As much as I want to hate on BonaDouchy, there is really no contest. Not only did they get the Partridge and Brady families together, they got Bubbles from The Wire, and Alice Cooper too.

Winner: Bigfoot.


The Monster:

 Bigfoot:

Sasquatch:

The monster in Bigfoot was an atrocious Computer Generated hairy turd, that only hot larger as the movie went on.

The Sasquatch -outright- looks like the offspring of a Sasquatch, a Viking and a zulu warrior. But he still looks better than that other crappy version.

Winner: You tell me which one looks more like a "missing link." Sasquatch


Monster in Action:

Bigfoot: Bigfoot was a rampaging beast. All he did was run amok and eat people. And grow.
He also has tunnel vision and a taste for human blood. 

Sasquatch: Sasquatch was a thinking man's monster. he only killed for revenge and he tried to mate with a human female. He watches from a distance and torments them from afar. Even going so far as to frame a deer for his actions.

This one was tough. I'm all for reckless monster killing, but no matter how many heads he ate, the Bigfoot really was terrible. Sasquatch dragged a woman through the woods, and then killed her when she rejected him. If that isn't horny male behaviour (Yes, with a "u") idk what is.

Winner: Sasquatch


Defeating the Beast:

Bigfoot: Goes on a rampage that ends with him, the heroes and Roosevelt's face being blown up at Mt. Rushmore.

Sasquatch: Sasquatch revealed himself and stares at the remaining guy. The story ends there. an epilogue reveals that although they knew he was real, they denied his existence.

Winner: Bigfoot. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an actual ending.


Final Tally/Thoughts:
Although it was close, Sasquatch pulls it out 3-2.  Sasquatch was easily the better film. Bigfoot was like the worst of all killer animal bad movies. I just wish I could give negative stars as a score. From the graphics, to the audio, to the dialogue and even the cast, i don't think there's a single redeeming quality to this film. Syfy has done way better shit than this. They were clearly mailing this one in. AND, how the fuck does a Bigfoot turn into the Scrappy Doo version of King Kong? To top it all off, they teased me yet again, with a Gatling gun. Fired for 2 seconds. Again, I need more. 

So since Sasquatch is a better film, it'll get the score.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Shakma (1990)

Turned murderous when given experimental drugs, a baboon escapes from a laboratory and attacks a group of students in the building.

Working on a device to control aggression, the science and research division places an inhibitor in a baboon named Shakma. It has been known to have the opposite affect and heighten aggression. After it wakes and breaks free, they are ordered to put it down. They basically made him rabid but without all of the other BS that comes with rabid animals.

Thinking they are done, they take him to the cremation room where he starts to slowly wake. In the meanwhile, the med students are set to play a game, like a live action RPG when the building shuts down for the night. He gets out, kills a dude and quickly gains a taste for human blood. One by one they venture to the lab and one by one Shakma takes them out. Interestingly enough, the token black guy was still alive through the first three kills. 

Bored with the lab, Shakma decides to take this show on the road. He can also open doors, you understand? So now the movie is about an hour and a half of a 2ft high, super intelligent, pissed off primate, who's only goal is to kill. He manages to rack up a few more kills but here's where it turns (again!). The Token Black guy, while lasting longer than any of the other victims, dies while allowing Shakma elevator access to the other floors when it was previously trapped due to locked staircase doors. Now, it has access to the entire building. No one is safe.

Shakma was a pretty interesting film killer animal wise. I honestly expected a larger threat, but honestly, there are not many things more intimidating than a pissed off primate.
I've never seen total decimation byan animal I'm this type if film I'm a long time. Shakma was a legit beast, managing to kill damn near the entire cast minus one person, and he would have got her if she was in the building!


Violence? Crazy primate.
Explosions? Of answer. Man that chimp was pissed.
Nudity? As Shakma never wore pants, there was bare assed killing for the whole film.

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Spiders (2013)

When huge mutant spiders invade New York's subway, a transit supervisor and a health inspector must try to stop the spread of the killer arachnids.

Spiders are shown in space aboard a satellite that they've ravaged. It is then broken by a passing asteroid and crashes into earth. Directly into the nyc subway system. [I don't really think they're actually in New York though. Bastards.]

The first guy to die is named Jimmy. Hah. Classic Jimmy. They claim he hit the third rail and was electrified. Unsatisfied with that logic, his boss heads into the tunnels to try and piece together what happened.
His ex wife is down there for some reason as a health inspector and refuses to give the okay to re open the subway. Citing the dead rats and the space waste. [Somehow the health department has jurisdiction over the subway tunnels. You have to love Bloombergs New York.]

It's revealed that the spiders are actually an alien life form who--after gene splicing-- have taken the form of spiders and a Russian scientist is working with a U.S. military commander to obtain the queen egg for nefarious purposes. That egg was once inside of Jimmys body, and had since been removed by our hero and his ex. Barely confined to the subway, the Spiders breach the surface and are now above ground seeking to make a larger nest for their queen, who comes through and predictably fucks things up. The army, the navy, and the entire nypd tried and failed to take her down. You want to know how they beat her? She was rammed to death by a speeding train car that pushed her into the subways electrical grid.

Two quick thoughts:

I first thought they would automatically be giant killer spiders and I was disappointed that they weren't. They are pretty big, but nothing like what's on the cover. The only thing better than killer animals is Giant killer animals. Then they said just about the best thing a guy like me could hear, "They grow Six inches per hour." Aka like Master Wu say, "patience grasshopper. Giant Spider must grow first"

People like to gawk and spectate. Once the area was cordoned off, there were nothing but bystanders. They told them it was a virus which predictably put them in a panic. What if they had just told them that it was spiders? Giant fucking spiders. I guarantee you that area would have been clear. Except for a few nutjobs with "we heart spiders" signs.

Ooohh: Let's play Do You know how I know?

Do you know how I know they aren't in NY?

• The health department operates like a research and development lab and has their own cars.
• Dude was on the phone, in a moving train car, traveling underground and talked from the time he got on the train until he got off.

You know how i know this is a bad movie?  The Dialogue.

• "They've quarantined Emma, in the apt. i can't get to her." "We have to go find her" Sigh. 
• So what's the plan? Well we're gonna get past the heavily armed guards and the giant spiders, get Emily, and get her past the heavily armed guards and giant spiders then get out of here."

You know how else?

• The military are entirely overpaid and inefficient. They had a fucking gattling gun! And couldn't hit shit. The spiders were like 8 ft by this point. There's no fucking excuse.
• All of the spiders have teeth. Which is ridiculous. But since they are technically space creatures, I'll allow it. Chang?

 

Sidenote: I need more Gatling Gun in my life. Dude was on it for like 2 secs before the spiders got him. That's not enough. They need to make like Busta Rhymes and gimme some more. 


Spiders was pretty bad, but It also had its unintentionally funny moments. Like how it shocked the scientist when the rogue colonel went rogue and turned on him too. I found that funny. Also how they killed the queen and walked away. just disregarding the rest of the colony. I guess we're just gonna forget about them, huh?

Anyway, Sometimes you find yourself in the mood for a bad movie. ::Shrug:: This time: Spiders aka Spiders 3D. Yes, Seriously. It was 3D. The main draw was space spiders. How could i pass that up?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Sharknado (2013)

 

When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature's deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.

A Sharknado is the fusion of two of our greatest threats, sharks and tornados. For scientifically, unexplained and in general reasons that do not matter, a super storm occurs and culminates with a tornado that spits sharks at people and it's awesome.

I don't think you need it spelled out but, Sharks + Tornado = Sharknado.

It's such a ridiculous concept that it begs to be seen. Two things that people generally fear, coming together to create a super hybrid of mass destruction and fear. (Dibs on the band name!)

The genius of Sharknado relies in its simplicity to deliver on its promise. It's a shark filed tornado. And it is every bit as awesomely bad as one would hope. But, a movie like this can't just start at the main event, you can't go 0-60, you have to ease into it baby. Warm her up first, then get to the action.

Foreplay:

10 mph:

A swarm of sharks swim near a beach and feast on a few surfers and beach goers.
There's a super storm headed towards California. It is being reported as due to global warming.

Finn, our hero, phones his ex wife (Tara Reid) and tries to warn her about the storm.

"What are you taking about, we're 190 miles from the ocean.
You're exactly 6.6 miles from the ocean, You're not nearly far enough!"

20 mph:

A shark flies through a bar window and is killed by Finn's bar maiden, Nova, without anyone actually questioning what just happened.

Sharks are popping up all over the land.
A Ferris wheel gets loose and wrecks things.

Apparently a storm that throws sharks is the norm in California. Motherfuckers barely batted an eye.

"At least you have insurance"

30 mph:

The storm floods the town and sharks are literally swimming in the streets attacking everyone and everything in sight.

"That's a tiger shark.
       How do you know that?
   Shark Week."

"There's sharks out there, you don't have to go out there. There's absolutely no reason to go out there."

37 mph

Great White sharks are in Beverly Hills and attacking Finn's family as he tries to evacuate his daughter and ex wife. He sets out to rescue his son.

The media finally acknowledges that live sharks appearing in the streets is not normal. I repeat, not normal.

"This family never tells me anything"

42 mph

There's a bus load of elementary school kids trapped on a road and surrounded by sharks. Finn repels down and rescues them. It's one of those moments where learning rope climbing in gym would have come in handy. Inexplicably, a shark is also climbing up the rope.


50 mph

The wind picks up and the letters of the Hollywood sign come flying at them. Waterspouts have formed and from the distance, it appears that sharks have been sucked in as well.

"My mother always told me that Hollywood would kill me."

55 mph

Driving to the flight school where his son is hiding, a shark lands on top of the motherfucking jeep and nearly chomps it's way in.

The news reports that 3 Tornados have formed. And officials are blocking off the city.

They finally find the son and now that all the pieces are in place, shit can finally get real. The weather dies down and they decide to stand and fight the shark infestation. They arm up and also decide to drop bombs into the tornadoes.

60 mph:

It takes an hour of foreplay, but we finally have what appears to be a motherfucking shark filed tornado! The crew tries to bomb it to death and succeeds but then it rains sharks.

"We're gonna need a bigger chopper!"

They armored up and took to the battle like it was a zombie invasion.

70 mph:

A second tornado does the same but the sharks feast on their way down. And eventually end at an old folks home. Apparently, they were looking for aged steak.

80 mph:

The third Tornado refuses to be destroyed and Nova is taken out by a shark. Swallowed whole in mid air. The father vows to finish this and drives a bomb into the center of the storm. Sharks are flying everywhere.

99 mph:

This motherfucker Fin dives chainsaw first into a falling great white and cuts himself the fuck out! Here's the kicker, Nova is still alive because she was swallowed whole!

Sharknado is all I've ever wanted in a movie about shark filled tornadoes. It runs a little longer than I anticipated before the tornadoes, but this movie is fantastic. Finn is a beast. Tara Reid sucks, but her role is minimal, and everything else just works.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No. Sharknado was as naked and as raw as it needed to be.

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Croc (2007)

A huge man-eating crocodile terrorizes people near Krabi, Thailand. Michael Madsen plays a hunter stalking the beast, while a local tries to blame a foreign crocodile-farm owner for the crocodile's rampage.

The Two Thai men are fishing for food when the explosion wakes up a predatory crocodile who immediately takes them out. [Right off the bat, we start with two men dynamite fishing in a boat. Ya gotta love a movie that starts with dynamite fishing]

At a zoo, a local tour guide is smitten with an angry Thai lady who seems to be angry for no good reason. At his show, he pulls a random child from the audience to play goalie against an elephant in soccer. This fails to impress the woman. [This kid sucks. Worst goalie ever! How do you let baby elephants score on you?!]

 Thai lady remains unimpressed.

His next trick involved a crocodile, and after tricking the crowd, learns that angry Thai lady works for the Department of Animal Welfare. After informing him of impending violations, she walks away. [Showing us that she is indeed a sassy confident woman who don't need no man.]

There's some filler as the croc nearly attacks a small child by the beach but then decides it isn't time yet. [He just wanted us to know he's there. We see you, boo.]

Our hero's nephew follows a super cocky, super angry, Asian dude and we learn that he and his brother are something like mobsters who have plans to shut down the park and build a road through it. They plan to use the animal Dept and the Taxman to do so.

Hero dude is soon confronted by the tax man and is told he owes nearly 300k. No one escapes the tax man..except him, after being aided by a few of the locals, who were immediately chomped by the killer crocodile. (Luckily not before we get a sexy slow-motion look at their sexy bodies.)

Trying to warn officials of the crocodile attack, a few witnesses are easily dismissed as there hasn't been a crocodile sighting in over 20 years. Overhearing this is Asian Mobster #2 who immediately sets a plan in motion to frame our heroes and at night, the zoo is attacked by two men who break into the gator cage and wrassle some gators, freeing three.

The next day, the family of the crocodile victims confirm their disappearance while in the background the seemingly inept cops find a leg which is quickly identified. The freed crocodiles are immediately scapegoated and Jack's farm is finally shutdown as news of the escape hits the city and the blame falls on them. Naturally, the bad guys celebrate.

For some odd reason, Michael Madson is on the beach.  
[He probably didn't even know they were filming. Just happened to be there. Dynamite fishing.]

Scene cuts to a whitebread family playing in the water. The crocodile continues his killing spree by taking a small child. Reinforcing its ruthlessness.The mobster dudes offer a 50k reward for it's capture. Which opens up the field for more potential victims and finally gives Madson the chance to speak. He quickly states that he's been tracking it for some time.

The crocodile, manages to cock block hero #2 and attack while he shared some alone time with his lady. [The camera cut to another scene, but I imagined it ending as the killer croc swam away laughing while the guy shook his fist at it.]

The mobsters decide that Jack's sister has to go as she's been bailing him out. They had tried to arrange "Death by Car" for his sister and after failing, their flunky runs, leaving his phone which is found By Jack who then calls mobster number 2 and threatens him with revenge.

The crocodile (who really gets around), somehow manages to get into the swimming pool of mobster #1. He decides to stick around for a second course and eats mobster #2 as well. With that, our 2 of our heroes' antagonists are gone. However the Croc still remains.

Next day they head to the crocodiles lair, intending to kill it (or die trying!). The Croc shows and quickly snags one the sister and drags her away. The guys are hot on her trail and manage to find its oasis. [It may seem like he's always eating, but we all know Asian food makes you hungry again in an hour.]

They find and kill the crocodile, leaving the canyon as heroes. But not before a final feel good moment where we all share a laugh and honor the dead in an academy award style montage.

Violence? Croc on Man
Explosions? Dynamite Fishing!
Nudity? No

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Pig Hunt (2008)

When John takes his San Francisco friends to his deceased uncle's remote ranch to hunt wild pigs, it seems like a typical guys weekend with guns. But as John and his crew trek deeper into the forest, they begin tracking the awful truth about his uncle's demise and the legend of The Ripper -- a murderous three-thousand-pound black boar! By the time the pig hunt is done, no one is innocent - or unscathed.

Former Army Ranger John gathers a group of friends and his current girl and heads towards his family's country home for a hunting vacation. At a rest stop the guys hear about a giant boar (weighing nearly three tons) roaming the forest that is seemingly unstoppable. John plans to hunt and kill the boar since it never apologized for killing his uncle years ago.

On the day they are set to hunt, they are accosted by his "old friends" who then join the hunt.
They waste no time in proving their Hickness, driving ATVs, shooting guns, drinking PBR, etc.
After about 30minutes of nothing, they finally use a boar call and action picks up. None of the ones that showed were the Hogfather, but one of the boars they killed was a rather large cub, which had a human hand inside of it.

Not long after, they find a huge crop of weed and have a disagreement on how to handle that. Shit gets real and they have to flee the forest before the Hicks return in greater numbers. They'll also have to avoid the boar and a hippie commune hell bent on maintaining their way of life.

Pig Hunt is okay. But just that. It doesn't stray from the formula (people hunt large animal, people die. Animal kills guy's family,Guy wants revenge and kills said animal. Titty.) and it doesn't add much either. I'm guessing that the inclusion of both hippies and rednecks- two groups of people who represent completely different ideals- were supposed to create an extra sense of tension, but when they clashed, there was nothing but chaos. You kinda forget about the boar...and then the boar shows.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Grizzly Park (2008)

Eight young adults are sent to do community service at Grizzly Park. There, they are hunted by an escaped serial killer along with the animals of the forest.

A group of at risk youth teens are forced to attend a rehabilitation program where they will spend some time in the forests of Grizzly Park, helping to clean it up. Unbeknownst to everyone involved,a dangerous escaped Convict has hijacked their corrections van and taken over the route.

After they reach the forest, the film is pretty straightforward: Youths in trouble, sentenced to pick up trash in the forest for community service. Before they get started, Ranger Rick quickly lays down the foreshadowing and the kids predictably dismiss him. Surprisingly, this includes the part about the ACTUAL, REAL LIFE WILD ANIMALS. Those kids, thinking they know everything, get in over their heads and set themselves up to get slaughtered.

It doesn't take long before the minorities wander off and are left to their own devices. Ranger Rick, sensing a lack of color, takes off to look for them, leaving the kids to the debauchery the movie gods intended. When he finds them mutilated, he realizes that shit has indeed gotten real and heads back to the camp before nature picks off the rest of his group. But the damage has already been done.

Grizzly Park features the horror movie full house: (Asian, negro, white supremacist, prostitute, latina, innocent girl, rich rapist, prankster) and we never even got to find out what the latina did. I demand closure! Dammit!

I've seen. A lot of killer animal movies. A lot. But a giant killer bear? That's a first for me and Grizzly Park crushes it. The bear absolutely massacres these kids and the fun in this film is waiting for them to be killed. They've each worked hard to destroy any possible sympathy you may have had and with that type of diversity (and recklessness), no one is safe.

There was some "unpleasantness" at the end, but if you're like me you're not watching for anything other than the bear and the teens.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Food of the Gods (1978)

There's a farm. On that farm is a mysterious substance that is found near the water. What do the landowners do with this stuff? Why mix it into the feed and serve it to their animals. Duh. Also animals.Plural. That means variety. Running down the list we there are:

Chickens
Mosquitoes
Maggots
Wasps
Worms
And my favorite, Rats.

What more could a giant killer animal film lover want? Actually,
looking back, I'm surprised there were no spiders, but dammit people, there were already mosquitoes and maggots, wouldn't giant spiders be overkill? They gave us a giant chicken for ChristSakes!!!

"He ain't no man! That right there is a chicken!!!"

Anyway, despite strong competition, the rats steal the show and are awarded a sequel but not before we get to see the mosquitoes suck a man dry.

Food of the Gods (along with Night of the Lepus) started my love of the giant killer animal genre. Yes it's cheesy but seriously, Giant. Killer. Chickens. How can you hate that?

Violence? Puny humans are destroyed
Explosions? No. Maybe. Idk I was focused on the animals.
Nudity? No. Giant killer titties? One day maybe...

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Cujo (1983)

A friendly St. Bernard named "Cujo" contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on a small American town.

You know, I've never watched Cujo. I may have been scurred as a youth, but now as a lover of all killer animal films, there's no excuse.

So apparently, Cujo was a gentle dog, until he fucked up and chased a rabbit into a bats nest. A few bites later and here we are. It takes a while for him to reenter the story however, and in the meanwhile we get introduced to the whitebread family who will be his chew toys in the future. The father, Victor, is an ad executive, the mother, Donna, is sleeping with their contractor and their son, Tad is scared of monsters.

When they first encounter Cujo is at the mechanic's ranch. Donna is initially afraid and suspicious. But manages to keep it together for her son.

When Donnas car breaks down, Victor suggests that she take it to the mechanic who lives up the road. That mechanic is home to Cujo,who is full rabid by now and traps them in the car, watching and attacking anytime they try to escape. Eventually she manages to Pull a Homer* and kill Cujo, but the more pushing concern is bringing her son back to life who appeared to have died from heatstroke. Just as he is revived, a revived

Cujo attacks again, but is put down for good with some hot lead.

 Cujo was a big fucking dog before he turned. After? I started rooting for him.

Stupid decisions by the wife in this film:

-Force open the jammed door as opposed to the passenger side which had no problems.
-Go outside the car where there's been a killer dog stalking her for two days.
-Jump back into the same car where she left her son while said dog is attacking.

Final analysis: She deserved to die.
That kid is an annoying little fuck. I wouldn't have been upset if Cujo got him too.

Fun Fact #1:
All the dog related attacks could have been completely prevented if someone would have taken that dog to a vet as soon as it showed up with that bite on it's face. The domestic stuff probably would have happened anyway. 

Fun Fact #2:
Scenes of the family falling apart are interspersed with scenes of Cujos deteriorating mental state.
It's a very interesting dynamic once you see it.


Cujo is and was a solid movie,but like all of his other films, the ending was terrible. I'm now convinced that Stephen King writes his books in such a way that they cannot be set to film properly as far as the endings are concerned.Which leads me to...

Fun Fact #3:
As it turns out, he wrote an awesome ending originally. Then changed it for the film because it made sense.

But don't take my word for it....


Violence? Cujo was wrecking shit.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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