Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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Altered (2006)

 

Fifteen years after the horrific alien abduction of their friends at a Florida farm, four survivors face their enemy and seek revenge.

A group of guys are hunting some life-form in a forest. They somehow manage to catch it and transport it to their friend Wyatt's place. Wyatt is a paranoid recluse who keeps a well armored home in the case of an alien attack. They reveal to Wyatt that they've been hunting the aliens for revenge for years before they caught this one, but he tells them to return it because if they kill it, they will be fucked as it's friends will come for all of them. They intend to return the alien in the morning, but are forced to survive the night as they find out that it has reached out to its people and they're coming. 

 Shit gets real once E.T. gets off the table.

Altered was on the queue for a while, but I didn't really care much for watching it. I heard somewhere that it was good, so I figured that I might as well give it a shot, and I went in with low expectations. Holy shit was it good and much better than I anticipated. It's a goddamn redneck horror story that's tight, well acted, and more importantly, practical. (The characters acted as they ideally would have in their situation.) With a bigger budget, It probably would have been better but it did the most with what it had. I'd say it damn near knocked it out of the park. (For a low budget sci-fi flick).

 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Paul (2011)

Two sci-fi geeks take a pilgrimage to America's UFO heartland. While there, they accidentally meet an alien who brings them on an insane road trip that alters their universe forever.

 Nearly any movie starring Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost is worth a watch. This one adds Seth Rogen as the titular (hee hee, titular) alien, Paul, who stumbles into the pair as they sight-see in Roswell, NM. Of course the Govt is trying to get him back and well, hijinks ensue. I'd say Paul was pretty well done and a film I'd easily recommend. Plus Nick Frost with hippie hair? I'm in.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Aliens (1986)

The planet from Alien has been colonized, but contact is lost. This time, the rescue team has impressive firepower, but will it be enough?

If you haven't seen Alien, shame on you, but you can jump right into this sequel w/ virtually no knowledge of the first. It is almost a completely different film. Aliens picks up whet the first ended, but this isn't as cerebral as the first. No subtle scares, no jazz hands, just straight alien vs military action. Aliens is where we get a true serving of Ripley's badassness. The Queen had  learned quickly that Ripley is no fucking joke.

James Cameron takes over the directing duties after presumably stroking his chin disapprovingly while watching the first. Aliens was one of Cameron's first films and definitely one that lends him the credibility that he wields today. Awesomely, there was a good balance between the story and the visuals.  If you haven't noticed, his movies are now close to 100% visual and I'm not saying that he can't tell a story, just that his visuals sell the story better than his scripts.  I hated avatar, but I can't deny that the man knows his visuals.

Watch the movie, it's good stuff. You may want to leave a light on. They mostly come out at night...mostly.


Violence? Fuck yea!
Explosions? Fuck yea!
Nudity? Fuck no!

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The Faculty (1998)

Many teens think their teachers hail from another planet -- but what if it's true? Herrington High students notice that faculty members aren't quite themselves, and discover an alien infection they might not be able to stop.

The Faculty is actually a pretty good film. I've been trying to breakdown just why this film was successful though when from all accounts, it should have flopped. I realized that it sticks to a simple premise:

US vs Them. A timeless, classic concept. To make it stand out, Robert Rodriguez places it within the context of an Alien Invasion. Look at it this way, teens have always (illogically) battled their authority figures, only now, they have a solid reason for doing so. Their lives are literally at stake.
There's even a scene ripped off from The Thing, where they sit in a circle and try to determine who is infected. I can never be mad at a good homage. Plus "Titbags" is apparently an insult.

Anyway, everyone is in this film. Check out the cast list:

- Salma Hayek (So hot)
- Josh Hartnett (Squinty Mc Squintsalot)
- Clea DuVall (That Girl #1)
- Famke Jensen (Jean Grey)
- Bebe Neuwirth (Frasier's Wife)
- Robert Patrick (T-1000)
- Elijah Wood (Frodo!)
- John Stewart (Fuck Fox News!)
- Jordana Brewster (That Girl #2)
 - Christopher MacDonald (Shooter McGavin!)

Oh, and Usher is the token black guy AND he is acting tough because he's a football player. I want to punch his face. Just knowing that he is responsible for the White Plague (Bieber) is enough. No jury would convict me.

Final Thought(s):

Why oh why, do parasites always have to enter through the ear?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? A lil bit o' Booty

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The Darkest Hour (2011)

In Moscow, five young people lead the charge against an alien race who have attacked Earth via our power supply.

Two guys travel to Russia for a business deal. After being screwed, they decided to stick around and party. At a bar, they ruin into two women who read their travel blog. They quickly become a group after the city is attacked by what appear to be invisible invaders.
Taking shelter in the storage area of the bar, they Set out to find the Russian embassy, but find that seemingly the whole city has been destroyed or abandoned. They eventually discover that it Wasn't just Moscow, NY, England and Paris were attacked and well.
The film then becomes a race for survival as they try to make it to a Russian naval ship and reach other survivors before it departs.

Here's what we learn about these aliens:

• They have electric tentacles with a very long reach.
  
• They turn people into dust.
  
• They can see the bio- electrical pulses of humans.
  
• They can't see through glass.
  
• They can't be seen during the day.
  
• They have invisible shields.
  
  

Darkest Hour isn't that good, but isn't that terrible either. It does what it needs to do as a popcorn flick and doesn't offer much more. The one thing that stood out for me was that no one was safe. I like when films include that particular sense of dread. Also I found it funny how when the attack first happened no one was as drunk as they were 5 minutes before.

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Apollo 18 - 2012

Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon. 

We're introduced to our astronauts confessional style. They talk about the mission, their families, the.equipment. Then they are finally launched into space. Not long after they reach the moon, they begin to encounter technical interference and general strange DISTURBANCES. After a sample rock goes missing, they head back out to the surface to collect another and find footprints that aren't theirs. The tracks lead them to a discarded lunar lander, apparently belonging to dead Russian Cosmonauts.
Eventually, They realize that they were sent up there specifically to encounter whatever it is that's killed the russian and one of the astronauts is infected. Predictably, the govt tells them that they won't bring them home due to the infection and they are left on the moon to rot. With that, all traces of the mission are either lost or covered up until some rogue website gets their hands on the footage you've just witnessed.

 Apollo 18 Falls flat amidst the unscary "scares." In fact, it Nearly put me to sleep when I tried to watch it. I'm thinking that it was supposed to be more of a psychological thriller. At least until the end, when we finally get a shot of the creatures. But every moment, both until that point and after, was boring.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? No
Explosions? One
Nudity? No

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Planet 51 - 2009

An American astronaut lands on Planet 51 thinking he's the first person to step foot on it. Turns out its inhabited by little green aliens who live in white picket fences.


The fun of Planet 51 is the lighthearted take on our own culture. The aliens seem to live in the 50s and Cold War era propaganda exists. Except its not "The Russians are out to get us" its "The Humans are out to get us." They watch movies about human invasions, dream of humans terrorizing them and when one appears, the initial reaction is, of course, to kill it.

Planet 51 was actually a pretty good movie. I wrote it off initially, but I picked it up after its run and I enjoyed it. The story is coherent, its fun, and there's a message if you care to look for it. Overall, Its not for everyone, but that's the nature of these flicks. It also stars The Rock and his charisma actually helps sell the film.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Animated mischief
Explosions? Nope
Nudity? Nope

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Attack The Block - 2011

A teen gang in South London defend their block from an alien invasion.

After mugging a woman, something drops from the sky and they chase out down and kill it. little do they know, there's a lot more on the way. They bring the alien to a guy who is a dealer. Looking to leave it there for the night. He speaks to the drug lord Hi-Hatz, (Sigh) who is a 50Cent look-alike (Double Sigh) and actually gets a promotion to dealer.

50 Quid.

After witnessing more drop from the sky in clusters, the gang sets out to hunt and kill. They head back to their apartments to arm up and it's on. Until they actually see what they are up against, and instinctively bitch out. Running away, The Leader Moses, is caught by the police as he has been identified by the lady he mugged earlier. The Police van is attacked by the aliens and the kids make an effort to rescue their leader.

Mid-Movie Thought:
"I don't get the hype surrounding this film. yes, it had its moments, but overall it kinda sucks. One of the kids has a vespa. How tough can you be with a Vespa Scooter?"

Seriously?

They end up running through the streets in an attempt to get back home and one of them gets bitten for his trouble. Back in their building, they conveniently run into their victim from earlier and force their way into her apartment. She's a nurse named Sam, and they force her to help.The aliens get into the complex and track them to Sam's apartment where Moses actually proves he's a tough guy by taking one out via samurai sword.

It is suggested that the aliens are after the group because they killed the initial alien. We get some heavy handed message about how "actions have consequences." Bleh. Fifty Quid, shows up pops off a few rounds and gets trapped in an elevator with one of the creatures. True to his American Namesake, he somehow manages to survive.

The boys form a plan to head back to the Penthouse as they believe it is the safest place. (When they make it, they are ambushed by Fifty Quid who's luck runs out as he is devoured by no less than 6 of the monsters, right after giving the standard evil monologue.) Under UV light, it is shown that Moses is covered in what appears to be some type of alien fluid and they have been tracking him by that. He decides to play the hero again, and says that he intends to lead them into a trap and blow then up, finishing what he started.

He apologizes to Sam for mugging her and heads out to atone for his misdeeds. Then the film attempts to humanize him or garner some sympathy as he sets his plan in motion. He succeeds and the cops show up at the end and arrest everyone in sight. Moses will be forever remembered as a the hero who saved the planet, and as he's driven away, everyone is on their feet and chanting his name.

Stray Quotage:


-"Have you got a boyfriend?"
     "Yes."
"Are you sure about that, because he isn't looking out for you tonight."

-"You gotta fix my leg. I need it for running from those things!"

"Please keep me out of your gang warfare bullshit!"
    "Lady, This has nothing to do with gangs...or rap music, or drugs or violence in video games."

-"We gotta kill them, we gotta catch them all"
     "Calm down, this isn't pokemon"

Pest, had to be the funniest character in this film. All the above lines came from him.

Attack The Block was insanely overhyped. I just didn't think it was that good or coherent. Idk. Initially, I got drunk and fell asleep on this film, but not before I was able to see that it looked lame.  I did get to the end the 2nd time around, but I don't feel like I missed anything the first time.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

(Teaser-Trailer.com)

"A Marine Staff Sergeant who has just had his retirement approved goes back into the line of duty in order to assist a 2nd Lieutenant and his platoon as they fight to reclaim the city of Los Angeles from alien invaders." - IMDB

There are very few movies that have made me audibly upset in the theater. Words cannot describe what a streaming pile of dung this movie was and my only solace was that I didn't buy the tickets.

If you haven't seen it by now, It is your basic aliens invasion vs the human force movie. Standard fare. Michelle Rodriguez is in it, but she's in every standard "tough female" role these days so, take that how you will. 

So why do I hate this film? Simply put, the writing and plot structure were terrible. One such scene that highlights both is below.

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High Plains Invaders

 I don't care what anyone else says, this movie sucked. (via)

Set in the Wild West, a group of "settlers" try to survive when confronted with giant mutated bugs. How will the old west deal with a giant mutant insect invasion? I'm still waiting for an answer.

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They Live (1988)

They Live is an 80s Sci-Fi/Action flick about a guy who finds out that Aliens have taken over the planet. The Plot (via IMDB):

"Nada, a down-on-his-luck construction worker, discovers a pair of special sunglasses. Wearing them, he is able to see the world as it really is: people being bombarded by media and government with messages like "Stay Asleep", "No Imagination", "Submit to Authority". Even scarier is that he is able to see that some usually normal-looking people are in fact ugly aliens in charge of the massive campaign to keep humans subdued."

The movie stars former WWE superstar turned actor Rowdy Roddy Piper and (the very underrated) Keith David. It is one of the best known B movies in existence and it has reached cult favorite status for two reasons:

1) A nearly 6 minute fight scene in which Nada (Piper) tries to get Frank (David) to put on a pair of sunglasses.
2) Possibly one of the most quoted movie lines in existence: "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

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