Mis Peores Amigos (2013)/Promedio Rojo (2004)

Mis Peores Amigos is actually a pretty decent, lighthearted little comedy in which 3 friends reconnect after one falls ill and the others learn he only has weeks to live. The goal is to help him complete a bucket list they made in their teens, which also includes finding a leprechaun and traveling through time. 

 It is a direct sequel (albeit 10 years later) to Primera Roja, the film which first established the main characters and their motivations. In that one, the guys are just trying to survive high school when Roberto, the lead, falls in love with a girl who falls for the handsome bully instead. The same bully who torments him daily.  In between the two films, Roberto, has physically transformed himself from fat nerd to beefy architect and he's purposely left his friends/old life behind, and the reunion in Amigos is understandably frosty.

I didn't know Amores was a sequel until the end, where Netflix hit he with the "you might like these..." and it turned out to be the same story that was narrated and starred the same actors only younger. That was dope and watching these films back to back. I felt more invested in the characters.

This isn't something that's going to sit high on my list, but they are decent at the least. Like Terminator, I didn't know the first one existed until I saw the second,, but I enjoyed both either way.

 

Violence? Happens
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Life After Beth (2014)

 

The Cast:

• Molly Shannon
• John C. Reilly
• Cheryl Hines
• That guy from Chronicle
• Aubrey Plaza
• A guy who appears to be Paul Reiser*

 

After his girlfriend suddenly dies via snake bite, Zach is devastated. About a week later, her family stops returning his calls and he heads to their house only to discover that Beth is alive and her family is keeping it secret.

After things calm down he is finally told what happened. "She was dead and now she's not." He resolves that she may or may not be a zombie, but he's so happy to have her back that quickly blinded to the truth.

Soon after, ALL of the town's dead have risen and a full blown zombie epidemic is upon the town.

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Life After Beth is less horror and more black comedy, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. Despite a few plot holes and unexplained phenomena, it's still a pretty rock solid little film. My only real hang up was that I couldn't not see April Ludgate. I kept waiting for Andy to come in and save the day, but he's too busy playing with LEGO and saving the galaxy.  

Overall, It was a very mild zombie flick with a not so subtle message of "let go"  and "careful what you wish for." They also saw fit to throw in at least one pair of titties for guys like me.

*turns out that guy really WAS Paul Riser.

Line of the Film:

Zack: "Beth, you fucking ate a guy!"
Beth: "Duh, Zach. I'm a fucking zombie. Zombies eat guys!"

 

Violence? Yes but nothing crazy
Explosions? Of the Living Dead
Nudity? One scene

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Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Rigor Mortis(2012)

 A public housing tenement is plunged into a dark storm of supernatural chaos.

The Cast:

• The Bella Twins
• The Soulless Body aka David Blaine
• The Bait
• The Hunter
• The Dark Lord

The Situation:

After accidentally murdering an old man, the Dark Lord, who happens to dabble in necromancy, makes a promise to bring him back to his grieving widow. He manages to do so, but notes that he's missing a soul. To his delight, there are twin ghosts terrorizing the building who just happen to be looking for a body to inhabit.

Peanut butter meets Jelly and shit gets real. Coming to the rescue is the bait and the Hunter who helps although he'd rather just cook rice and get along with the ghosts.  

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Rigor Mortis is supposedly a homage to a series of Hong Kong Vampire flicks. I don't know anything about that. What I do know, is that this film combines two of my favorite genres (supernatural and martial arts) and spits out a very decent film. The visuals are fantastic and not to be understated. The monster was bad on its own, but definitely worse once infused with twin magic.

My prediction? You won't love it, you won't hate it, but you'll enjoy how pretty it looks.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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Oldboy (2014)

The Cast:

• Josh Brolin
• Elizabeth Olsen
• Christopher Moltisanti
• Sam Jackson
• Bond Villain 46

The Situation:

On the night of his daughter's 3rd birthday, a self-absorbed, alcoholic salesman finds himself abducted and awakens to find himself trapped in a hotel room. It is nearly 20 years later when he's released and he sets out to uncover the mystery of why he was imprisoned and by whom.

The Resolution:

If you've watched the original, you know how this turns out. If you're watching this for the first time, you, like our "hero," may not like what you discover.

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Oldboy (2014) is an American remake of the beloved Korean film OldBoy With a few deviations here and there, it played surprisingly close to the original. As this one was being directed by Spike Lee, I was expecting a completely different film,  but it really wasn't that bad. Of course the original is better, but this wasn't "A Spike Lee Joint." If that makes sense to anyone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Booty. Man Butt. Fleece Johnson would be proud....And aroused.

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Snow Piercer (2014)

In the future, scientists have found a way to reverse global warming. Unfortunately it worked a bit too well as it froze nearly everything and everyone save for the people aboard a miracle train, that never stops running.

This is where our story takes place. In the future, on a train where the rich occupy the first cars and keep the poor chained up in the back car like the dirty, filthy non money having "animals" they are.

Fed up with the bullshit, a plan is hatched to move through the cars and take control of the train. This plan will succeed where many others have failed, not only because they plan on taking the engine and water cars, but also because they are led by Captain America, disguised as Captain No Money in this case.

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You know, I've Been trying to bite my tongue regarding this film because I fell victim to it's hype. Plus it's damn near beloved for one reason or another.  You know how they say "Don't judge a book, blah blah blah?" Well, eff that, I can usually tell if I'd be interested in a film by it's poster alone. However, if I had seen this poster, I would have kept it moving. I got suckered in by the trailer. To its credit though, having the story take place on a train was a cool twist, but eh, the story has been told before. Dystopian future. Rich vs poor and the poor revolt, changing society. Bleh.

I was expecting action adventure and I got blindsided by all the drama. And boy, was there a lot of drama. Visually, the film was amazing. Plot and character wise? Meh. Like most very pretty films, I feel people are caught up on the graphics and not the story. *Cough* Avatar *cough* *cough*

Tilda Swinton though, crushed her role as the very punchable disciplinarian and boy was I happy when they revealed the mythical man they praised and sang songs about. Very few actors deserve that acclaim.

I didn't get that much enjoyment from the film, and I definitely don't get the hype, which is why I'm going with 2 stars. Be happy it looked so pretty.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Lovelace (2013)

One infamous film revolutionized the entire porn industry. And newly destroyed its star's life. Amanda Seyfried stars as adult film icon Linda Lovelace, a woman coerced into and abused by the porn industry before taking charge of her life.

Lovelace attempts to tell the story of Linda Lovelace, in her own words. Basically things boil down into a he said she said regarding how her adult film career got started and how she's been perceived since. If you aren't familiar with the story, allow me to sum it up for you thusly: 

A young woman meets and falls for a guy who discovers she has an incredible talent for oral sex. Her talents are put on display in a mainstream adult film and she becomes world famous. She attempts to break free from the business and when the dust is settled, she becomes the most famous name in the anti-pornography movement. Her case being, she was drugged and forced into every scene she's ever done and she hadn't received a dime.

Apparently, parts of her story are true and others are wildly embellished so, it's really a he said/she said situation and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. This movie though, contains events mainly from her POV. It's a very curious case and one that I would encourage you to read up on if you're interested.

Anyway, because this movie is told from her pov, her "coersion" is a, bit more heavy handed as we see it.

With Lovelace, it feels like you're watching two films. One being her rise to stardom from what appears to be everyone else's pov and the other from her pov, which essentially fills in some missing parts and characterization. In essence, you're watching the same sequence of events, but one is a dream and the other a nightmare. After Deep Throat becomes a cultural and mainstream success, Linda Lovelace becomes a household name. Six years later, she's renouncing her fame and business and is planning on releasing a tell all about her marriage to Chuck Traynor, claiming he's an abusive scumbag who forced her into the business.

I got into this movie for two very good reasons: Amanda Seyfried and Boobs. Specifically, Amanda Seyfried's boobs. [But I wasn't planning on complaining about anyone else that wanted to put the boobs on screen either. What can I say? I'm a simple man.] I was skeptical of her casting as Linda Lovelace, but she rocked it. I'll shout if from the heavens, "AMANDA SEYFRIED KNOCKED THIS ROLE OUT OF THE PARK!" The highs, the lows, the mannerisms of a woman from innocent teen to strong confident woman who is eventually worn down by the ways of scumbags before she takes control of her life.

Obviously, there's a lot of porn culture in this film and that will probably bring about nostalgia for a good amount of people, but you gotta remember, It was a different time. A braless time. And in my opinion, there was only one thing that cast doubt on the Lovelace story. At one point in the film, she paints Hugh Hefner in a negative light. I refuse to believe he's anything other than a charming gentleman who gets bitches by respecting them and not referring to them as such. So basically her whole life is a lie.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Heh. No
Nudity? Yes

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Flashpoint (2007)

 

Detective Ma's partner had finally infiltrated a notorious gang and Ma enters the fray to go up against the leader before he takes over the streets.

 

Flash Point is a modern day action thriller so it isn't heavy on the martial arts, but it's there. Detective Ma (Donnie Yen) is a hot tempered badass detective who has no time to waste on bureaucracy. After his partner has his cover blown,  the gang makes an attempt to take him out. This of course enrages detective Ma and now he has even more of a reason to destroy. His only consolation was that they managed to get the head gangster, but once they kill his chief and try to blow up his team,  he decides that all bets are off.

 One of my personal mottoes in life: "If it stars Donnie Yen, I'm in."

There's only one film of his that let me down, 2010s Return of the Fist. That kinda sucked. Anyway, what I don't get I'd why it took me so long to watch Flash Point. Granted I'm not happy with the drama, but the fight scenes are so well worth it. Watching Donnie Yen play an arrogant dude was a treat and along with the fight scenes at the end and beginning of the film, that helped make things more enjoyable.

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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On The Job (2013)

Filipino crime thriller inspired by a real-life scandal in which prison inmates are temporarily released from prison to work as contract killers on behalf of politicians and high ranking military officials.

On The Job, supposedly based on a true story, is about 2 convicts, who are occasionally released from prison to perform the duties of a contract killer. It sounds interesting right? Well, meh.  In concept? Yes. Very intriguing. In execution? No. I say "it was pretty lame."

The movie is about Tatang and Daniel. Tatang, the older of the two, has been informed that he's being paroled. Naturally, Thelma, who he takes orders from, lets him know that she will no longer need his services once he gets out as she wouldn't be able to control him. She asks him to prep Daniel, his cellmate and partner, to take over his role.

On a mission to hit a snitch, Daniel's gun jams and they inadvertently leave him alive. They manage to finish the job at the hospital and narrowly escape after getting into a shootout with police. Thelma is rightfully pissed as the last thing she needs is the national attention coming from a nearly botched job. In addition to all of that, The New chief of the FIB, [Think, FBI but more Pinoy] is the son of an influential man. He is investigating the killings and trying to straddle the line between good guys and bad guys, but his family connections may be too much to overcome.

So this is the thing, I don't think I've ever watched/reviewed a Filipino film on/for this blog. if I have, then disregard this sentence. I find Tagalog to be an interesting language. A unique mixture of English, Spanish and quite possibly Portuguese. That has no impact on my enjoyment or review of this film, just something I felt like typing out.  Anyway, On The Job was supposed to be a tale of corruption, wrapped inside of an crime drama. When they weren't killing people, it was boring. After a while, you're kinda just watching it to watch it. I was curious to see how it ended. Either Tang makes it out or he dies, Daniel dies, or they both get caught and the operation is exposed.

 

  

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Man of Tai Chi (2013)

In this Kung-Fu tale set in Beijing, a young man armed with incomparable martial arts skills gets embroiled in the world of underground fight clubs.

The Cast:

• Tiger Chen
• Keanu
• Dedicated cop, jing si
• Master Wang
• Secret Surprise Villain Cameo

 

The Situation:

Tiger Chen is a man who just wants to fight. His principles don't allow him to do so, but the beast is awakened when he meets Donaka Park, who leads an undergoes fight club and cultivates Tiger's bloodlust. Whereas Tiger belives he's fighting for money, he discovers that Donaka is only after the destruction and complete corruption of an innocent soul. Hot on Donaka's heels though, is dedicated detective, Jing Si, who is hellbent on shutting down his operation.

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Man of Tai Chi is a battle between balance and chaos fought within Tiger Chen, a star student and sole successor to a 600yr old style of kung-fu. His sensei, Master Wang, represents the good and his employer, Donaka Park, represents the dark, pulling at Tiger to release his inner demons.

 

Donaka Park is played by Keanu and honestly, he has one of those faces to where your can't see him as a villain, but to his credit, he's pretty ruthless in this film.Tiger Chen is no slouch either and together, they do show Tai Chi in another light. Yes it is known for meditation and exercise, but I learned that in the right hands, Tai Chi can fuck people up. The meh part about this movie? The dialogue. It was so wooden. It may have been done on purpose in order to force us to focus on the fighting, but it was a bit distracting. The fighting scenes however, absolutely deliver. Keanu also directed the movie so there's that.

One of the other things I liked was that Donaka wasn't just another rich asshole who ran a fight club, he was a badass dude who could get shit done with his fists. The other thing I liked was the final fight scene. I don't want to spoil it and tell you who the opponent was, but it was unexpected and i was thrilled. Another was that Donaka Park was not a rich pussy. He could actually back up his business. With his fists.

Sidenote: 

I'm actually both surprised and relieved that the RZA wasn't in this movie is some way, but I'm sure he will find his way into the sequel.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Chi
Nudity? Nope

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Redtails (2010)

A crew of African American pilots in the Tuskegee training program, having faced segregation while kept mostly on the ground during World War II, are called into duty under the guidance of Col. A.J. Bullard.

Red Tails, if you haven't already deduced, is the story of a squadron of negro fighter pilots aka the Tuskeegee Airmen, --with more flying and less disease testing-- who against all odds, aided in the war effort for the allied soldiers.

The Situation:

The army had decided that negroes were unfit to fly airplanes and have decided to shutter their program, but with the help of a high ranking white officer and their Colonel, The Red Squad gets one final mission to prove themselves. If they succeed, they will give their unit some credibility and if they fail and the government has every reason to shut them down. 

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Red Tails is drama for the sake of drama so be warned. There's a leader who is an alcoholic with daddy issues, a glory hog who has issues following orders, a rookie pilot captured by the enemy, racial tension, world war --Shit, this could have been a Tyler Perry film, If they played up the black Jesus did a bit more and actually had a wedding. On top of all that, a lot of this shit was telegraphed, but it is what it is. 

What I didn't know though was that it also starred Heisenberg, Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr and bubbles from the wire. 

Anyway,  I'm torn between giving this a two or a three. On one end, it's a long and relatively pointless exercise in drama and on the other, air battles and fighter jets are dope. The problem with this is that I can't give half scores and since I'm even having this discussion (albeit with myself) I'll have to scale upwards. 

Lame

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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The Tower (2012)

A Christmas party at a luxury high rise in Seoul turns into a nightmare when two helicopters collide over the building, starting a deadly fire.

Tower Sky is the largest residential skyscraper in south Korea. 110ft twin towers with a sky bridge at the 70th floor. On the night of their big xmas party, two helicopters, carrying artificial snow, hit an updraft, lose control and crash into the buildings. When the gas tank of the first plane explodes, the top half of the building is engulfed in flames. It was discovered that the sprinkler system has frozen pipes and as a result there is no water above the 60th floor. 

The Firefighters, who have worked quickly to extinguish the fires at its point of origin, and have evacuated most of the building,  are under pressure from their Commissioner to neglect the people trapped in a restaurant on the bottom floor and save the remaining important people first. Also, due to the intense heat, the building itself is fracturing and suffering structural damage which may cause it to collapse. To head that off, there are plans to blow it up, regardless of who is left inside.

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The Destruction was like 9/11 times 9/11

The Tower is a Korean version of The Towering Inferno and 9/11. People are trapped in a high rise that suddenly catches fire. It will collapse due to structural damage. Aside from that, the film is itself is dramatic, (so be prepared for that) but the action scenes and visual effects are dope and they secretly carry the film. (Only because some of the characters are terrible.)

If nothing else, The Tower is something to watch on a rainy day. Especially if you liked The Towering Inferno and/or want to relive 9/11.

 

Violence? Hot man on fire action
Explosions? Hot fire on concrete action
Nudity? Nope

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Only God Forgives (2013)

 

When a cop kills the brother of a British gangster who runs a Bangkok fight club, his crime-boss mother flies in from London to supervise revenge.

 

The Cast:

Ryan Gosling/ Julian
Billy the bro aka Sir DB
Police Chief Chops-A-Lot aka Samurai Cop
Mama (Te quiero, Mamaaaaa!!!!!)
Mai, hot Thai stripper chick.

The Situation: 

Billy and Julian, run a fight club type of operation in Bangkok. Thai men fight, people wager on the outcome and occasionally drugs are passed through.

Billy is a scumbag and he actually deserved to be killed. Raping and killing prostitutes, drinking, beating women and cruising the streets for 14yr old tang? Yep, that's no way to gain sympathy as a character. Julian tracks down his killer and accepts his death as justified. His mother on the other hand, isn't so easily pacified, and she sets off a chain of events and pits the family against the hard edged chief of police, samurai cop who isn't afraid to go above the law and get his hands dirty to stop crime. 

The basic premise behind Only God Forgives is "an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," but with Julian caught in the middle of the chaos. Yes his brother was killed and yes he should want  revenge, but the killing was sort of justified. His mother, on the other hand, wants swift and brutal revenge, not caring that she's up against a samurai cop who is will bring her family nothing but ruin for crossing his path.

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Now I've...had...the time of my liiifffee......

With the exception of The Ides of March, I'd say that Ryan Gosling has been attempting to make the most of his anti hero persona developed in Drive. This film though, doesn't much to help.  He's just in it to look pretty and collect a paycheck. Dude barely talks and except for one scene where he fights (and loses) he doesn't really do shit but look mopey for the entire film. Aside from all of that, it's deliberately slow, painful, and includes a lot of long stares and silence. Tension is supposed to be being built but nothing is really happening other than Karaoke. (Asians sure do like their karaoke)
 

Only God Forgives is like an art house picture film. Like it's trying to be something more than it is. Also, it's a strange movie, Everyone moves like robots. It's weird. Do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Dopest part of this movie is that poster. Which has already been made into a shirt, here

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of slow paced, well plotted violence
Nudity? Yes? No? Idk. They'd have to throw in a lot of titty to salvage this film.

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The Guillotines (2012)

Once used be the emperor to quash all opposition, a squad of assassins known as the guillotines falls out of favor when a new ruler takes the throne.

The Guillotines were a secret group of assassins who were created during the Qing Dynasty to secretly destroy rebellion and further the Emperor's notion of a unified land. The new emperor however, believes that The Guillotines are outdated and firearms are both the future and the key towards protecting the dynasty and furthering his legacy. To that end, he's labeled the group as guilty of treason and ordered them to be executed by firing squad.

A small group of Guillotines were on a mission to save one of their own as she was captured by the enemy. As they reach the rebel village, they discover that the new emperor has declared them traitors and ordered their execution. Finding a cause greater than their own in the struggles of the rebels, they switch sides and help defend their land from the empire's inevitable attack.

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 Chinese Jesus

That Guillotines is an action filled drama that's not really about anything. Okay, it's obviously about stuff, but it's long. The fights are of course, slick and very well done, but that's about it really. And despite its super obvious title, I didn't make the connection to the weapon until I saw the abundance of flying guillotines in the opening scene. Needless to say, I was pleasantly delighted. Until the rest of the film unfolded. Smh. There was definitely not enough flying guillotine and my quest continues. Sooner or later, there'll be a movie with ALL the flying guillotines I can handle, but if I can't find that in a movie called "The Guillotines," I don't think I'll ever find it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Sweet Sweetback's Bad Assss Song (1971)

***An iCheckMovies Listed Film***

The Cast:

• Sweet Sweetback
• The Man aka Honky Devils
• The Black Community

The Situation:

After a murder, the police come down to the nearest negro community live sex show to "borrow" a man for their line up. He's just supposed to stand there and make them look good.

Sweetback is sent with the policemen and he stands by as they brutally assault anther black guy in front of him. He snaps, beats them to death and goes on the lam.

He's picked up immediately, but the community comes to his rescue and he flees once again. The police launch a city and statewide manhunt, to bring him in and Sweetback attempts to escape the state knowing he's facing certain death of the honkys catch him.

The Resolution:

He escapes because he's about as crafty as he is uppity. 

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 Mario van Peebles is one sorry looking mofo. And I don't mean that in the negative sense, 

I mean that like "this motherfucker just 'looks' Apologetic" sense.

Sweet Sweetback Bad Asssss Song has got to be one of the most ridiculous and pointless movies I've ever seen. This is the type of movie I would watch, then never tell anyone that I had seen it and yes I'm aware of the irony of that statement on regards to this blog. Somehow this was to be made to stick it to the man? I just don't get it. It's not about anything. A black dude beats up two white cops for beating another black dude. This leads to all the white cops in a city wide manhunt for him and all the Black folks helping him out. Funky handshakes and all. No one white can be trusted and all his problems are solved with his fists or his sex, which is literally him just laying still between a woman's legs.

I like the grindhouse/exploitation films because the shit these films could get away with could never be repeated in this era. Never. Case in point, This kid, no more than 12 is getting skins. He's told he has a Sweetback cuz his lovin is so good and he grows into a man before the end of the scene. Meaning that girl, (who is a pedophile btw) has pussy so good it can turn a boy into a man by the time he's reached his fist orgasm. Why is this movie not about her? [Seriously, a movie about cooch so good it can skip puberty and turn a boy into a full grown man? I'm bringing the beer and masturbatory aids.]

As for Sweetback, this man does nothing but lay perfectly still and somehow brings women to wildly orgasm. I figure that either his dick moves on its own and/or he's still 12 and that original pussy made him a grown baby. Seriously, wtf Melvin? Oh wait, let me guess, "you're sorry."

Aww. I can't stay mad at that. Apology accepted

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of boredom
Nudity? Usually when someone is about to get the D.

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Celda 211 (2009)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

The Cast:

• Juan Oliver,  a new correctional guard, scheduled to start work tomorrow
• Malamadre, notorious criminal. King of the prison. Voice like Popeye smoked chimneys instead of pipes
• The warden and guards
• Elena, Juan's wife and future baby seal

The Situation:

Touring the prison he's due to start guard work, Juan Oliver struck by falling bricks. As opposed to taking him to the infirmary, the officers on duty take him to Cell 211 to recover. Soon after, a riot breaks out and prisoners take over both the cell block and the entire prison. Out of time, the guards are forced to leave him and he awakens to find himself trapped with the inmates until the situation is resolved.

Stuck inside with no means of escape, Juan immediately gets into prisoner mode, knowing that he must do whatever he can to survive and with virtually no news of what's happening inside the prison, friends and family of the inmates start rioting outside the facility. Right in the thick of things is Juan's pregnant wife, Elena.

The Resolution:

The SWAT team was ready to go the minute they got an opening and they did their jobs when they got the greenlight.

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Celda 211 is actually a pretty tense film. Prison riots are no joke and on top of that, the staff also had to deal with riots outside of the prison as well as someone leaking information to the prisoners.

A couple things threw me off though:

1) At what part does a riot become too much riot? They mobbed outside of the prison, threw rocks at the guards and facility then stopped an ambulance and pulled out its passenger. Why you ask? Because prisoners were rioting inside, some were killed and no one was releasing any information. Only in Spain would they have a riot inside and outside of a prison. Nobody cares that much about the prisoners in America.

2) The ETA members on the outside, decide to create more terrorism in response to their members in the prisons being held hostage. Okay. What do they go with? Car bombings. And not of important people either. Just a quick bombing to let everyone know they are upset about the situation.

Here's my question: Why not just blow up the prison or something? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wait, I'm sure you know where the governor or prime minister lives. How about you use that information? Jerks.

Anyway, besides those two things, Celda 211 is actually quite enjoyable. Malamadre is presented as this really intense and intimidating character and Juan thinks pretty quick on his feet. Both are in a ridiculous situation, but for different reasons and throughout the film as tensions increased, Juan thought more like a prisoner than the guard he was supposed to be.

I found the whole thing interesting for this one concept: In the mouth of madness, how long can you keep your sanity?

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Cloned: The Reactor Chronicles (2013)

I think I saw this trailer on Hulu. It seemed like an interesting concept. Time travel and stuff with clones are my weakness. There's only one way these things end : with everyone wearing the same clothes and the wrong one getting shot. It's awesome.

The Cast: 

• Derek, Tracy and Craig, the imperfect teens looking forward to camping and chillin.
• Their perfect murderous clones
• Mother Nature ft The Forest

The Situation: 

Three teens are in a canoe, headed towards the campground on Brewster Island. Unbeknownst to them, genetic experiments were carried out on the island, decades ago and the previous day's lightning storm reignited an old experiment.

A lightning storm on the day they've reached the campground  forces them into a nearby cabin for safety. Shit gets thick when the owners return, but they are soon saved by people who appear to be exact duplicates.

The perfect and the imperfect occupy the house together and try to solve the mystery of how everything came to be and what they should do going forward.

...But they know that they can't all co-exist.

Resolution:

I'm sure you can guess the ending. They all end the same. [Is some people gonna die?!]

Cloned is actually a pretty decent film. The end is somewhat predictable, and kinda fucked up, but you can't really be upset. A lot could have been avoided if they had never gone in the house in the first place, but then we wouldn't have a movie.

Stray Quotage:

"Your girlfriend needs a serious lesson in dropping a deuce in the forest."

"We haven't exactly been close lately.
Well, what do you want me to say? You did a singer abroad and I stayed at home and worked at a hardware store."

"I'll paddle slow in case you change your mind."

"Yeah, technically you're great. Maybe even superior. But what's the point if you make the other person feel lousy?"

"It's either we kill them, or they kill us.
Well, can't we negotiate?!"

"We should come up with a password. So we know it's really us. Okay how about Marco!...Polo!
Yeah that's good." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Naked people, but no on screen nipples or dongs

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Saved! (2004)

 

When Mary, a devout senior at a Christian high school, accidentally gets pregnant, she starts to see her peers and her faith in a whole new light.

After finding out that her boyfriend thinks he's gay, a young teen decides to do everything in her power to help him. This eventually leads to her sleeping with him, and inadvertently getting pregnant. This obviously changes her outlook on her life and her faith and as she becomes detached from her community they step up their efforts to save her.

With the help of Cassandra Edelstein, the rebel Jewish girl, who is in a Christian school and is totally a rebel, and Macaulay Culkin who is the wheelchair bound brother to the hyper conservative Mandy Moore, she tries to hide her pregnancy until graduation. With two months left, her secret is revealed and things will never be the same.

Stay Quotage:

-You're not born a gay, you're born again.

-Please be cancer, please be cancer, please, be cancer.

-There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the planned parenthood.

- You have to pray on it. Prayer works. It's been medically proven!

Just kidding, Mary has her baby, a happy, healthy lil girl and happy endings reign supreme.

Saved! Is a clever satire played with a wink and a nod to the elements of fundamental Christians, televangelists and life in the bible belt in general. Especially when one's faith has been shaken and they've fallen out with their community. I had been meaning to watch this movie for a whike. Then it just dropped off the radar completely. Although at times it felt like it aimed to beat you over the head with "message" I liked it. You could tell everyone involved was having fun and it showed.

Violence? No
Explosions? Of Christlove!
Nudity? No

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Tai Chi Zero (2012)

Yang travels to Chen Village to learn a powerful form of Tai Chi. Though villagers are forbidden from teaching outsiders, Yang becomes their best hope for survival when a man arrives with a plan to build a railroad through the village.

A man is born with what is known as "The Three Blossoms of the Crown," a technique that allows its user near invincibility and complete mastery of his martial art. His current boss is a warlord who uses his technique to finish battles and each time he uses it, it takes a toll on his health. After the last fight, he was told that he's dying as he wastes his chi and he should seek out Master Chen and beg him to teach his style of kung fu.

He soon learns that The Chen style of Kung-Fu is not taught to outsiders and he's rebuffed despite his many efforts. However he is determined and once the town is threatened by its prodigal son, he intervenes, hoping to win their favor. Shit quickly his the fan and you'll have to watch Tai Chi Hero to finish the story.

Tai Chi Zero is actually fun and entertaining. It looks amazing and the storyline is both solid and consistent. The action scenes come often and there's very little filler. Just about everyone in the film has a background in martial arts or were someone that was pivotal to martial arts cinema and they get title cards explaining who they are when they first show on screen. That was an idea that's actually dope in concept and execution. Anyway, I'm actually looking forward to  and I hope it doesn't Kill Bill Vol.2 itself. That'd be bad. Mmmkay...

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Nameless (1999)

Five years after the grisly murder of a girl identified as her daughter, a woman receives a phone call from a girl claiming that she is her daughter and still alive.

A body is found and it has no identifying marks outside of a leg shorter than the other and a name bracelet found nearby. That is used by the cops to identify her and break the news to her parents, Claudia and Tomàs.

Randomly, she gets a call from someone claiming to be her daughter who says that they wanted her to think that she died and that they'd kill her if they knew that she phoned home. She instructs Claudia to go to the abandoned sanatorium. Once there, she finds a bunch of religious imagery and dead animals and gets convinced that something is up.

She calls former detective Massey as he was familiar with her case and together they dig deeper into the case and find a religious cult that calls themselves "Nameless" and they eventually locate their leader, Santini.

Cool Story, Bro.

Santini and The Nameless believe that Killing and brutally mutilating people creates more of an awareness or spiritual enlightenment.

Long, boring story cut short: I still don't really get the aim of the cult, nor the ending of the film and really hate ending a movie confused.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? One Very very quick, very, very brief flash of titty

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