The Hangover Part III (2013)

***An iCheckmovies Listed Film****

The action packed conclusion to the trilogy no one asked for. Part Two was exactly the same as the first making it a blatant cash grab and middle finger to the consumer. This film promises to be different.

Since the events of the first film, it is revealed that Super Criminal Mr. Chow has stolre 21 million dollars from a rival drug lord and disappeared until he was arrested in Bangkok. Alan was the only person he's been in contact with and it's up to the guys to find Chow in three days or the drug Lord will kill Doug, who is being held in exchange. 

Doug is forever doomed to be sub ancillary. 

I think he's only had maybe 20minutes and 20 lines in three movies. 

Dude is a macguffin. Easiest paycheck ever.

Listen, Hangover three is basically the Alan and Chow show. It's possible I'm viewing this from a biased angle, but I feel it tries a bit too hard to be funny. It isn't really a good movie at all. there are a lot of callbacks to the original two films, but the "series" is structured in such a way that it's nearly impossible to do anything differently and if you do, you end up with something like this crap.

I watched it. You don't have to. [If you haven't already]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? You'll need to be able to see in the dark.

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Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

Well, I could never find a good movie with all the guillotines I wanted so I dipped into the archives. Master of the flying guillotine has to have all of the guillotine I can handle....right?

Here's the quick and dirty:

Essentially, a blind grandmaster travels the country, seeking to avenge the deaths of his two disciples. All he knows is that a one armed man is responsible. So he does what any good master filed with rage would do, guillotine just about every one armed man who crosses his path and those that get in his way.

The one armed boxer is a master of his craft, but he has no desire for fame, fortune or to draw the attention of the Chinese government. He has opened a school and is persuaded to attend the tournament as a way to learn more about kung-fu outside of his own.

After the Grandmaster crashes the tournament, the one armed boxer closes his school and tells of how he defeated the two disciples. He suspects their master is coming for him and he gets ready.

///////////////

It's still a good film, but I'll never get my guillotine. *wistful sigh*

Stray Quotage:

"Was he the one armed boxer?
       No! He was just some bum!
I don't care. I intend to kill every one armed man that I come across here. "

"We all want to learn kung-fu. But we don't want to hide all our lives"

"The one armed swordsman is just a one armed chicken."

Sigh. One Armed Boxer vs Flying Guillotine. That's the original/international title and one that's more apt to the film. Despite its title it's only focus is the tournament and the one armed boxer. Shit there's just about an hour long wait until we get to their first confrontation.

I get it. The Master of the Flying Guillotine is clearly the bad guy, as realistically, you really can't go around taking people's heads, but the equation should be simple: arrive, take heads, leave. Unfortunately, the entire first half is tragically void of guillotines, minus one scene in which s chicken gets it. I'm starting to realize that I'll never get the proper amount of flying guillotine in my life. The irony is that I'll probably be killed by guillotine when it's time. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

I greatly enjoyed the first film. I'm curious as to where they go in this one.

It's a new year at camp half blood and despite saving Olympus on the last film, Percy can't get over the hump of being a one quest chump. 

After the camp is attacked, he learns that he is part of a, grand prophecy, and he will either save or destroy Olympus when the time comes. But he must first seek the Golden Fleece, and heal the tree that provides the barrier of protection for the camp.

Luke, his nemesis from the first film, has turned a few of the other Demi-God's to his cause and he again seeks to bring about the fall of Olympus. He needs the Golden Fleece in order to revive Kronos, King of the Titans who has the power to destroy Zeus and all the Olympians.

Their paths cross in the Sea of Monsters, where the fleece resides and the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

////////////////////

I said it before and I'll say it again, I like Greek mythology. Percy Jackson is a dope series. I haven't read the books and I don't intend to, but the movies are consistently entertaining. The concept is awesome (ancient Greek mythology in the modern world), the special effects are dope and the comedy elements from the first are carried over into the film (although they've been noticeably played down in favor of Percy's battle against self-doubt.)

If you watched and enjoyed the first, you'll like the second. Sea of Monsters is the second film in the series, but you don't have to watch The Lightning Thief to understand/enjoy it.

/////////////////

Stray Quotage:

"It's the chariot of the damned.
         It looks like a NYC taxi.
Same difference"

"I'd be hurt if I wasn't such a self confident individual"

"I had to crawl through the depths of Tartarus itself...and Cleveland"

Violence? Ancient Greek Self defense
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Oz The Great and Powerful (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

Someone decided that 60yrs was long enough and the story of the Wizard of Oz has to be told from the wizard's point of view. Exactly who is the man behind the curtain? What are his motivations? Does he dream in Technicolor?

The Cast:

• Oz, charlatan magician/future king
• Zach braff, magicians assistant, future ape
• Theodora, the wickedest of all the wicked witches
• Elnora, creates witches, watches the throne like JayZ
• Glenda, the Good witch

The Situation:

Oz is a conman magician in a traveling circus during the Dust Bowl era of Kansas. He feels that he is better than he is and he shouldn't have to be performing in dusty towns. He wishes to be a great man and while running from some danger, he is caught in the middle of a cyclone and transported to the Land of Oz, where becomes their prophesied savior and saves the land from the terror of the Wicked Witch.

The Resolution:

Despite a rocky journey, he finds himself  defeating the witch and saving the land. He makes preparations for the future saviour because evil can never die.

Along the way, he becomes the man he's always wanted to be and the hero the world always knew he was.

 

   Oz hath no fury like a witch who's scorned...

Oz The Great and Powerful is a better movie and story than I thought it'd be. Idk what I expected, but I found myself pleased. It's an origin story that explains how and why one became wicked and the other became Zordon. On top of that, it movie looks and sounds amazing and is very well acted (even though the writing was hammy). It seemed like they had fun filming and surprisingly no one mailed in their performance, which tends to happen in movies like these. I'm giving special props to Mila Kunis. Her turn as the witch was amazing and she acted her ass off.

All the stuff is there, The Emerald City, The Yellow Brick Road, the flying monkeys, and the witch's water allergy. But there were only a few things that bothered me. Namely, Oz is propheczed to be the Wizard King of the land, but it's never made clear whether he's a king of all wizards or a wizard who is also a king.

Also the super hammy dialogue was a bit much: 

"You could be a good man, if you wanted to." But I don't. I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great man." Ugh.

That's all I ever wanted for you, greatness." Double ugh. 

I'm like just get to the flying monkeys! and of course the flying monkeys are baboons. Baboons are terrifying.

Zach Braff? How did that happen? Maybe he's running out of that good Scrubs money? 

Nah. He probably always wanted to be a flying monkey or some shit.

 
Stray Quotage: 

- Let's go make some magic
- Of course I'll save this little talking money...in a bellhop's uniform.
- Are you really going to do this? 

         How hard can it be to kill a wicked witch?

    Hard. Really hard. Really really hard.

- Every lie you tell gets us one step closer to the emerald city dungeon.
      Then don't think if them as lies, think of them as stepping stones on the road to greatness

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Sweet Sweetback's Bad Assss Song (1971)

***An iCheckMovies Listed Film***

The Cast:

• Sweet Sweetback
• The Man aka Honky Devils
• The Black Community

The Situation:

After a murder, the police come down to the nearest negro community live sex show to "borrow" a man for their line up. He's just supposed to stand there and make them look good.

Sweetback is sent with the policemen and he stands by as they brutally assault anther black guy in front of him. He snaps, beats them to death and goes on the lam.

He's picked up immediately, but the community comes to his rescue and he flees once again. The police launch a city and statewide manhunt, to bring him in and Sweetback attempts to escape the state knowing he's facing certain death of the honkys catch him.

The Resolution:

He escapes because he's about as crafty as he is uppity. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 Mario van Peebles is one sorry looking mofo. And I don't mean that in the negative sense, 

I mean that like "this motherfucker just 'looks' Apologetic" sense.

Sweet Sweetback Bad Asssss Song has got to be one of the most ridiculous and pointless movies I've ever seen. This is the type of movie I would watch, then never tell anyone that I had seen it and yes I'm aware of the irony of that statement on regards to this blog. Somehow this was to be made to stick it to the man? I just don't get it. It's not about anything. A black dude beats up two white cops for beating another black dude. This leads to all the white cops in a city wide manhunt for him and all the Black folks helping him out. Funky handshakes and all. No one white can be trusted and all his problems are solved with his fists or his sex, which is literally him just laying still between a woman's legs.

I like the grindhouse/exploitation films because the shit these films could get away with could never be repeated in this era. Never. Case in point, This kid, no more than 12 is getting skins. He's told he has a Sweetback cuz his lovin is so good and he grows into a man before the end of the scene. Meaning that girl, (who is a pedophile btw) has pussy so good it can turn a boy into a man by the time he's reached his fist orgasm. Why is this movie not about her? [Seriously, a movie about cooch so good it can skip puberty and turn a boy into a full grown man? I'm bringing the beer and masturbatory aids.]

As for Sweetback, this man does nothing but lay perfectly still and somehow brings women to wildly orgasm. I figure that either his dick moves on its own and/or he's still 12 and that original pussy made him a grown baby. Seriously, wtf Melvin? Oh wait, let me guess, "you're sorry."

Aww. I can't stay mad at that. Apology accepted

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of boredom
Nudity? Usually when someone is about to get the D.

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The Man From Nowhere (2010)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

 

A quiet pawnshop keeper with a violent past takes on a drug- and organ trafficking ring in hope of saving the child who is his only friend.

The Cast:

• Badass that just wants to be left alone
• Little girl who warms his heart
• Druggie mom who dances for dollars
• Korean gangsters who are tough guys until they eat a fist or two

The Situation:

After a woman steals a brick of heroin, Korean Gangsters track her down, cut her up and take her daughter. Their neighbor, a reluctant badass and friend of the little girl, gets caught up in the drama when the thugs knock over his shop and rushes out to save her from a grisly fate.

The Resolution:

Badass man goes full Taken and cleans house in route to save the girl. When he gets some bad news, his pissed off meter goes to over 9000(!!!) and he wrecks even more shop.

//////////////////////////////////////

The Man From Nowhere is one of the best crime thrillers to come from (South) Korea. As it starts off, it seems very similar to The Professional, but it quickly takes a different turn once the ball gets rolling and becomes more comparable to Taken. That's not to say it's the same, but Nowhere borrows from both films while guiding the film down a different path. 

It's a solid foreign flick that's action packed, fight filled and well acted. Here's the trailer so judge for yourself.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of fists to the face
Nudity? Itty bitty titty

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Celda 211 (2009)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

The Cast:

• Juan Oliver,  a new correctional guard, scheduled to start work tomorrow
• Malamadre, notorious criminal. King of the prison. Voice like Popeye smoked chimneys instead of pipes
• The warden and guards
• Elena, Juan's wife and future baby seal

The Situation:

Touring the prison he's due to start guard work, Juan Oliver struck by falling bricks. As opposed to taking him to the infirmary, the officers on duty take him to Cell 211 to recover. Soon after, a riot breaks out and prisoners take over both the cell block and the entire prison. Out of time, the guards are forced to leave him and he awakens to find himself trapped with the inmates until the situation is resolved.

Stuck inside with no means of escape, Juan immediately gets into prisoner mode, knowing that he must do whatever he can to survive and with virtually no news of what's happening inside the prison, friends and family of the inmates start rioting outside the facility. Right in the thick of things is Juan's pregnant wife, Elena.

The Resolution:

The SWAT team was ready to go the minute they got an opening and they did their jobs when they got the greenlight.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Celda 211 is actually a pretty tense film. Prison riots are no joke and on top of that, the staff also had to deal with riots outside of the prison as well as someone leaking information to the prisoners.

A couple things threw me off though:

1) At what part does a riot become too much riot? They mobbed outside of the prison, threw rocks at the guards and facility then stopped an ambulance and pulled out its passenger. Why you ask? Because prisoners were rioting inside, some were killed and no one was releasing any information. Only in Spain would they have a riot inside and outside of a prison. Nobody cares that much about the prisoners in America.

2) The ETA members on the outside, decide to create more terrorism in response to their members in the prisons being held hostage. Okay. What do they go with? Car bombings. And not of important people either. Just a quick bombing to let everyone know they are upset about the situation.

Here's my question: Why not just blow up the prison or something? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wait, I'm sure you know where the governor or prime minister lives. How about you use that information? Jerks.

Anyway, besides those two things, Celda 211 is actually quite enjoyable. Malamadre is presented as this really intense and intimidating character and Juan thinks pretty quick on his feet. Both are in a ridiculous situation, but for different reasons and throughout the film as tensions increased, Juan thought more like a prisoner than the guard he was supposed to be.

I found the whole thing interesting for this one concept: In the mouth of madness, how long can you keep your sanity?

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Killer Shrews (1959)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

***Killer Shrews are #49 on the Most Wanted Killer Animals List***

On an isolated island, a small group of people are terrorized by giant voracious shrews in the midst of a hurricane.

Seriously, killer shrews? Yeah, I'm in.

The Cast:

• There's Captain Thorne, our hero.
• Ann the damsel in distress/zoologist.
• Jerry the muscle/jealous ex.
• Mario the latino servant/handyman
• Drs. Baines and Craigis
• And Rook, Thorne's shipmate and right hand negro

The Situation:

On a remote island, a team of scientists carry out genetic experiments with the goal of making smaller humans. They had been using the local wildlife as test subjects. In an unintended result, the shrews, became giant sized.

As they have exhausted their food supply, the humans are beginning to look mighty tasty and they are desperate to get at them. The film then subtly transitions into survival horror as they try to wait it out in a wooden house surrounded by shrews who are slowly eating their way through.

For the humans, The only way off the island is the boat that is docked on the other side of the island. Aka they'll have to walk directly through the beasts.

Here's a quick rundown of what they're up against:

• There are about the 300
• They are giant
• They weigh about 100lbs
• They dig
• They are extremely poisonous
• They are starving which makes them deadlier.

How They Escape:

Creating a walking tank out of aluminum barrels and duck walking across the beach then swimming to the boat once they hit water. Try as they might, those crazy shrews just couldn't bite through. Idk they didn't just dig though.

Dig! Dig you Fools! Work for your Meal!!!

The Killer Shrews is a surprisingly well paced film. It was an hour long movie that felt longer than it was as the first half was all set-up, dialogue and characterization, yet there was still time for action when it was time to escape the island. I'm an impatient guy though. I was calling for the shrews about ten minutes in. "No more talking, just get to the shrews, dammit!!!!"

You should know that this is a black and white picture and in addition to the shrews, the dialogue is something to look out for. One of the characters, Jerry, is a legit punching bag for the bulk of the film. It's hilarious. Second best part of the movie, aside from it being about Giant Killer Shrews, of course.

I like the old killer animal films. They are inventive and most importantly, they are only an hr long. Plus, even in the 50s the black dude is the first to go. Shrews like dark meat, I guess.

Stray Quotage:

• Jerry: Everyone in the world is scared of something. Ann: Yeah that's evident. When they came at us last night, you knocked me down to get inside the fence.
Jerry: It's just that I can't stand them.
Ann: And I've discovered something I can't stand...


• Ann: I know. I'm not saying you created them Jerry, I am saying that because of your drunken stupidity in leaving the cage door open, you've created the horrible situation which now exists. 
Jerry: This was a mistake any one of us would have probably made.


• Ann: I'm Sorry I had to threaten you with a gun. But I didn't know how else to stop you.
  Thorne: No, it was very effective. But all you had to do was tell me about them.
  


• Ann: You're a strange man Thorne. You just seem so disinterested in everything.
  Thorne: Let me tell you something. I'm only interested in anything that concerns me. Then I do something about it.
  


• Dr. Craigis: We can't afford to get even so much as a scratch from these animals.
  Thorne: What do you think they're all affected?
  Jerry: Best way to find out is key then all bite you and see what bites you die after.
  Thorne: We might just all get that chance, Jerry. You included!"

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)

An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.

I actually watched this crap and the only thing in noticed rising was my rage. (Hey Ladies... ;-))
Snake eyes and Storm Shadow are clearly the best parts and characters of the film. [Because Ninjas are always fucking awesome. and it takes a lot to make them lame (I'm looking at you American Ninja...)] The entire movie had this cheesy B-Movie feel. Channing (All over your) Tatum, the Armored suits, the reveal of the "Cobra Commander," all of that was the lame icing on this turd cake.

Seriously, what did it really establish besides shitting on a beloved piece of our childhood and spitting in the face of basic physical science? For Fuck's Sake, They had a secret ice base that somehow sank into the ocean!

This movie was beyond crap.

Violence? Yes
Explosions?  Yes
Nudity?  No

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I Am Legend (2007)

Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure.

I feel like I should write more about this movie. But you know something? Fuck this movie!

It sucked so hard the first time i watched. But I thought, "everyone loved it, it really can't be that bad. you're being biased." So I watched it again, and I couldn't believe how much it actually did suck. I think people got caught up in the visuals.

  
These are the questions I have for lovers of this movie:

• Why/how is Will Smith's character a scientist?
• Why is it that he's the only one who can stop it? 
• If he really was that valuable, why would anyone leave him there by himself? 
• Was there really just one single solitary lion roaming New York City? 

 
This movie sucked so hard, but everyone was so busy sucking Will to notice.

I'm so over it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Space Jam (1996)

Michael Jordan agrees to help the Looney Toons play a basketball game vs. alien slavers to determine their freedom.

After the Toons are challenged to a high stakes basketball game, the villainous Swackhammer, creates a team of ringers and steals the talent of several NBA players, ensuring his teams victory. So what do the looney tunes do? Kidnap Michael Jordan and get him to play with their squad. (duh!) Reluctant at first, he agrees when he realizes that he's the greatest player and he gets to spread his dominance all over the faces of the Monstars (especially since they were actual NBA talents and he gets off on that.) So what happens towards the end? Jordan is Jordan, wins the game in the clutch and becomes a goddamn toon in the process! Dude was a beast!

All Star Squad!!!!

• Space Jam had done what no other movie could at the time; combining the talents of three different assholes, finding a medium and adding music to create a fantastic experience.


• Michael Jordan - Hands down one of the greatest NBA players ever and no so secret asshole.


• Bill Murray- one of the greatest comedians and not so secret party crasher/sarcastic asshole.


• The Looney Tunes - great animated Comedy Team, headed by Bugs Bunny one of the most recognizable and sarcastic asshole characters in existence
• Basketball - the only sport that goes hand in hand with Michael Jordan. You could do a AA baseball movie, but fuck you, Hitler. Let's not remember that bullshit.


• The Quad. City. DJs. - have you ever rode the train?! The Muthafuckin' choo-choo train?!!

There was no way this movie could not be awesome. Failure was not an option. True, the Toon Squad had to cover for Jordan's acting inexperience but he covered for their lack of b-ball skills. Bill Murray on the other hand, took the the role of player/coach/one liner King. He was just happy to be there. Unsurprisingly, Daffy was jealous, but he stayed in his lane.

Overall, The Toon Squad did their thing. Bugs was distracted by Lola, but he managed to get his head in the game (first), and help in the victory. Plus, Bugs rapped over and killed a track. Idk how he convinced Jordan not to spit a quick 16, but he's a sarcastic winner/beat killer who also courted Jordan and is one of the most recognizable toons? You just know he got that victory bunny later.

There's also the Monstars Anthem, which as you know, is dope, but The Monstars were the bad guys. Smh.

Bugs Bunny Kills A Track:

The Monstars' Anthem:

The Space Jam: 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Armageddon (1998)

After discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas is going to impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep core drillers to save humanity.

You know, I forgot all about Eddie Griffin until I watched this flick again. And was that Mark "Hanging with Mr. Cooper" Curry? Wow. All this and Bruce Willis gets to play the hero while Ben Affleck gets to suck? Sounds like my type of movie. Turns out, as a big ensemble flick, this movie sucked but as a disaster flick, Armageddon is serviceable. It really didn't need to be as long as it was. It's very "meh" overall and left me with one question? How do you fire a shotgun while on an oil rig and not have shit blow up?

Violence? Hot Asteroid on Earth Action

Explosions? Pfft. Its a Michael Bay movie

Nudity? No

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Aliens (1986)

The planet from Alien has been colonized, but contact is lost. This time, the rescue team has impressive firepower, but will it be enough?

If you haven't seen Alien, shame on you, but you can jump right into this sequel w/ virtually no knowledge of the first. It is almost a completely different film. Aliens picks up whet the first ended, but this isn't as cerebral as the first. No subtle scares, no jazz hands, just straight alien vs military action. Aliens is where we get a true serving of Ripley's badassness. The Queen had  learned quickly that Ripley is no fucking joke.

James Cameron takes over the directing duties after presumably stroking his chin disapprovingly while watching the first. Aliens was one of Cameron's first films and definitely one that lends him the credibility that he wields today. Awesomely, there was a good balance between the story and the visuals.  If you haven't noticed, his movies are now close to 100% visual and I'm not saying that he can't tell a story, just that his visuals sell the story better than his scripts.  I hated avatar, but I can't deny that the man knows his visuals.

Watch the movie, it's good stuff. You may want to leave a light on. They mostly come out at night...mostly.


Violence? Fuck yea!
Explosions? Fuck yea!
Nudity? Fuck no!

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Iron Man 3 (2013)

When Tony Stark's world is torn apart by a formidable terrorist called the Mandarin, he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution.

A quick synopsis:

The man with the biggest ego in the world has had it humbled by the events in New York. He's no longer a big fish in a small pond, he's a small fish in a huge pond and he doesn't know how to deal.

Tony and Pepper are in an official committed relationship, but he's a jerk and spends all of his time working on the suits.

His main villains (this film) are Aldrich Killian creator of the Extremis Technology and his number one arch enemy, The Mandarin.

In Iron Man 3, we get to see Tony Stark vs villains. Tony Stark the man as opposed to Iron Man the hero. Does the armor make the man, or does the man make the armor and other questions of that ilk are central to this film. Brace yourselves folks, there is a lot more existential drama in this one.

Sigh. I'm not going to say that Iron Man 3 completely sucked. But it was a dud in my opinion and totally shit the bed in the grand scheme of things. It was as if they glanced at the comics and built a story around certain concepts and completely disregarded their origins. They basically took everything that made the first movie a good comic book film and bastardized it in favor of an overblown big budget studio film. (Like part 2)

Just so you don't think I'm talking out of my ass, here's a list:

Anxiety - In Iron Man 3, we get to witness the battle of the century as Tony Stark battles... anxiety. Yes folks, He's - maybe for the first time ever-unsure of himself due to the events in New York and this manifests itself as panic attacks. ALTHOUGH HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD THE BIG FUCKING HERO MOMENT AND SAVED THE WORLD!!!

The Mandarin - The Mandarin was basically a puppet created by and used exclusively to further the white man's agenda. Because why?

Are you seriously going to tell me that Iron Man's greatest villain was reduced to this bullshit? Did you need to swerve your audience? That is some real and true bullshit. I figured something was up when Ben Kingsley was cast and not, you know, an actual Asian.

Could be worse I guess, at one point, Tony Stark's main villain was alcoholism.

Iron Patriot - War machine now works for the US government and has been rebranded as the Iron Patriot. (Comic book fans man recognize this as the death of the dream of the Civil War storyline, as marvel doesn't own the rights to Norman Osbourne.)

Pepper Potts - Gwyneth Paltrow has always sucked. Now she sucks AND has super powers?

Exposition via kid - I hate when movies rely on forced exposition in the form of a child. Tony was a complete jerk to this kid. He deserved it though. Smug bastard.

Extremis - A marvel of technology. Wireless, fluid, electric and involving nanotechnology if I remember correctly. In this movie it makes you burn super hot and apparently leads to:

Fire Breath - Aldrich Killian has successfully mastered the Extremis tech. As such, he can also breath fire.

The Ending - The film fucking ended with the dude basically throwing away the character. And then saying, "I am Iron Man."

*deep breath* 

YOU CAN'T BE IRON MAN WITHOUT THE FUCKING SUIT!!! 

I would love to give this a 1 out of pure nerd rage. But comic nerds weren't the primary audience. They never are. Putting that aside, I really really really want to say that it was good. At times, It felt like it wanted to be, but ultimately Iron Man 3 did just enough to earn a two.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Man of Steel (2013)

A young itinerant worker is forced to confront his secret extraterrestrial heritage when Earth is invaded by members of his race.

Quick Synopsis: 

The Planet Krypton is due to explode. As Jor-El's attempts to warn everyone fall on deaf ears, he makes plans to send his only son off of the planet in a desperate bid to save his life and the spirit of his people. During the chaos, General Zod plans a coup but is quickly put down and shipped off to the Phantom Zone, where Kryptonian prisoners are kept. He is freed after the planet explodes and attempts to track down Jor-El's son, Kal-El as he was also given a device which can resurrect his people. Zod plans to use the device and transform Earth into New Krypton. It's up to Kal-El, now living as Clark Kent, to suit up and defend himself and his home.

Fist Pump for Merica! Fist Pump, for all that is holy!

The Cast:

An all star cast heads up this retelling of the story of Superman. Russell Crowe, Laurence Fishbourne, Kevin Costner all have roles. Mainly as I imagine, to bolster the studios confidence in Zack Snyder and to put more asses in seats.

Russell Crowe was chewing scenery. He was only in the film for like 30 min in total, yet managed to steal the show. I walked away impressed.

I predicted that Kevin Costner would have a small and un-impactful role and that was true in the grand scheme of things. He is influential to the character, but doesn't take away from the film. He even gets a Big Damn Hero moment, which although forced, justifies his existence. Still, Fuck Kevin Costner.

Laurence Fishbourne was Perry White. That is a big change and signifies how serious this movie attempted to be. But it looked like he was furiously trying to hold in a fart every time he was on screen. Must have been all that scenery he was chewing.

Henry Cavill is Fucking. Huge. Dude was not that big in Immortals. They never even showed how he got that big either. Through the numerous flashbacks, one of them could have shown him in the gym at least. He all over there making dudes feel all inadequate and shit.

Super Premium Beef!

There were major and minor tweaks to the Superman mythos were made as they managed to nudge the story into the modern era and somewhere closer to reality, as far as super hero films go. A lot of the back story was told through flashbacks. (Seamlessly I might add.) But I feel like there's like nowhere left for the story to go. I know there will be a sequel, but why? They covered just about his entire story in this flick. I guess Lex Luthor, Darkseid and Doomsday are options, but still. (Hi, part time comic nerd. Nice to meet you!)


Other shit worth pointing out: 

The movie itself has multiple plot holes, two of which are the most blatant: 

If Zod was so intent on keeping Kryptonians alive, why not work beside Superman? Especially after Superman showed him how to adjust and focus his senses. Why kill off all of your people in an unnecessary attempt to terraform the planet? Just because he's a villain, does not mean he has to cut off his nose to spite his face.

If he is weak on Krypton, and those machines are trying to turn Earth into Krypton, wouldn't he grow weak as he got closer to the machines? This was even pointed out by Lois during the film. His response? "Maybe." What actually happened was that Dude developed bronchitis as he got closer to the machines. Even Sweet Brown is like "For Fuck's sake Superman, the world is at stake! Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Oh word? You just gonna pan the camera down and show my feet swinging?! 

Ma Kent gets interrogated by Zod and refuses to give up any info. When she's grabbed up by his lieutenant, she quickly changes her tune once choking gets involved and folds faster than a Korean dry cleaner. Ohh shit, we choking?! What you're looking for is over there!

He goes to work with the same people who he rescued but they don't recognize him because He
hides behind hipster glasses. (That's the one thing I wished they would have changed.)

The End:



Man of Steel has been described as a serious superhero film. I don't disagree. However, I knew from the time it was announced that it would be something I would not rush to see. It is a good superhero movie though and Zack Snyders visuals are amazing. Unlike James Cameron, he can tell a decent story, but I wasn't wowed overall.

 
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Super Baby Dick

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Monster Squad (1987)

So, for people like me who haven't seen this, Dracula assembles a team of monsters, consisting of himself,The Mummy, A werewolf, Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. His goal? Take over the world and rule with monsters.

A few kids that have formed a Monster Club at school uncover clues to the current existence of monsters. To that end, they've become the Monster Squad, rationalising that there is no one else who would be able to do anything to help and what brings these two groups together is Van Helsing's journal. The kids have it and the monsters want it. There is also an amulet which balances the forces of good and Evil. Dracula intends to use this to rule the world. The kids have one night to find it and end Draculas threat.

   VS.

The Battle of the Century?

Idk why it took me so Long to watch this movie. Shit, I don't even know how I hadn't heard of it until recently. Dracula forms a team of monsters in an attempt to take over the world? How I say?! How could I have missed this?!?!?! Then it turns out that it was a film that bombed and gained cult status many years later. Knowing that, I don't feel so bad.

Can we talk about some of the characters though?

• Patrick is not a good friend. maybe it's a nervous tick, but he continuously throws his friend under the bus during the opening scene. Funny, but ultimately no bueno.
• Fat Kid a.k.a. Horace. Shit, I think that if my name was Horace, I'd go by Fat Kid too.
• Rudy. You are not a tough guy. You can be. The shades and leather were cool, but you need to lose the socks/jeans/loafers look. Seriously.
• Scary German guy, who the fuck are you? The film alludes to you knowing more than you let on, but just how much is never revealed.
• Dracula is a beast: Pissed that they hit him with a garlic pizza, he brings dynamite and blows up the Monster Squad clubhouse. Then dynamites the only black guy just cuz and bats it up and flies away. Not to mention that at one point he shows up in a classic Black Rolls Royce steps out and only says, "It Begins." (which gives rise to the monsters.) My question is this: When did Dracula learn how to drive and how did he get his own custom car?
  

Stray Quotage:

• The guy was totally homoing out
• In our defense, she's boring and has a cat shaped head so they call her meow mix. I don't because that's bad.
• She's married?! Oh my god! Some guy home kisses her at night?! Like a priest says, "I now pronounce you man and wife" and it was okay with them?!?!
• Your sister doesn't speak German. All she does is hang around the school and let guys touch her tits.
• Sean, that guy creeps me out. Aah he's just on welfare. 
• Wolfman's got nards!!

Stray Obsevations:

• There are a lot of anti Gay remarks. Reminds me of a simpler time in cinema...
• Sean is wearing a "Stephen King Rules" shirt. Love it.
• There's a neat homage to the old Frankenstein films as the Monster ominously walks upon a little Girl playing by herself in grass.
• It's been established that they only had a day to save the world. So why did their montage feel like it spanned a week? They even faded it out so it seemed that more time had passed. I love a good montage though, so it didn't bother me, just feel like pointing it out.

Monster Squad escapes persecution because it's an older film, however I can say that it'd score pretty high. There's comedy, there's action and they even reference classic film lore regarding the monsters. It is the type of film that I kinda wish that I had seen it initially, but I know that I wouldn't have appreciated then it as much as I did now.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Dynamite. Treehouse. Boom.
Nudity? Teased, never delivered.

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Thor (2011)

The powerful but arrogant warrior Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders.

I liked Thor. I didn't love it, but I liked it. Thought it was actually very well done and it translated well to those who aren't familiar with the Thor mythos. It had the right balance of comedy and action and stayed true to its roots while relating to those who aren't aware of his roots. As it relates to the upcoming Avengers movie, I like what Marvel is doing with their characters. Except for Spiderman. The Spiderman series was bullshit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Sentinel (1977)

****An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review****

Not ready for marriage, a fashion model moves into an unbelievably nice Brooklyn Heights apartment, where scary occurrences turn into a much more frightening turn of events.

When she complains that she can't get any sleep due to get neighbors, her realtor drops the bomb on her: "no one else has lived in the building for three years!" But how could this be? She's seen them. We've met them! I'm especially fond of the couple who do nothing but fondle each other all day. Yes, I said fondle.

Well one night she hears noises above her room and goes to check it out. She runs out of the house screaming about how she just stabbed her father, a man who died three weeks prior.

Her bf starts to believe her and he conducts his own investigation into the house and finds out that it is the entrance to Hell. He explains to her that she is chosen to be the next Guardian of the Gate and everyone that she saw was trying to get her to kill herself so that she can not take the position. Deciding to save Her own soul, she accepts her role as guardian and is later seen watching, waiting for the one who will take her place.

The Sentinel sucked. No ifs ands or buts about it. There was a lot of titty though. They really didn't discriminate.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The King Of Kong (2007)

Documentary covering the attempt of a man to break the Donkey Kong world record and the current (at the time) record holder's attempt to stop him.

The battle of the century was set to take place. Steve Webbe would attempt to break the worlds highest score in Donkey Kong. Billy Mitchell, the current record holder, would do anything in his power to not let that happen.

Walter Day (old guy) was clearly influential in getting the video game culture off the ground. And if you'd like to learn a bit more about him and Billy Mitchell, check out Chasing Ghosts another solid documentary.

I don't want to spoil too much by writing about it but I think that everyone, even people with a passing interest in video games would enjoy this doc. It's the basic tale of an underdog taking on a powerhouse, but there's a lot of twists and turns along the way to keep you hooked.

The King of Kong is an excellent documentary that is so compelling that you invest in the characters. It sucks you in. You want Steve to win, you want Walter to eat a dick, and more importantly, you'll want to see Billy Mitchell fail, if only because of the way he continues to win.

 Billy Mitchell. He knows people hate him. He cultivates it. Radiates it.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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