The Awakening (2011)

 

A haunted boarding school calls on Florence Cathcart, who disproves hoaxes for a living. But the strange place leads her to question rationality.

Florence Cathcart secretly hopes that ghosts are real and has thrown herself into her work as a debunker because if she can prove that they are, she can reach out to her former lover who died in the war. In her own words, she lives "in the time of/for ghosts," yet to her continuous dismay, she cannot prove their existence and each case she solves takes a little more out of her.  After debunking a seance and proving those involved to be frauds, McNulty from The Wire shows up and piques her interest. He claims that he is there about a student that died at his boarding school three weeks ago. He claimed that he saw the ghost of a boy who previously died many years ago. He shows her class photos from previous years where a ghostly image has continued to appear.

She brushes it off and refuses to take the case, but he tells her that the boys are scarred shitless and as she knows that fear is a destructive force, she decides to go in order to give them piece of mind. But when visions appear, her fear coupled with her inability to rationalize the situation, leads her to question her sanity.

That's the "Questioning My Sanity" face.

I tried to watch The Awakening at some point last year but it didn't hold my attention. I think I give films like these more credit after watching The Conjuring. (Such an awesome movie, btw.)  Awakening is a very solid movie filled with obvious but effective scares up until the last 10 or 20 minutes. It kind of falls apart during that time. Well, okay, it doesn't really fall apart, so much as gets "confusing." I hate ending my movies all confused and it will definitely lose points for an unclear epilogue. I really hate "open interpretation" endings. They are such a cop out.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Magicians (2007)

A pair of rivaling stage magicians are forced to confront their falling out over a guillotine mishap when they compete in a magic competition.

Magic duo Karl and Harry were best friends and partners until Harry caught Karl and his wife together in a sword box.

Four years later, they are individually trying to get their lives together when Harry comes across across a flyer advertising a magic competition with a grand prize of 20k. He calls Karl suggesting that they enter it, but for purely business reasons as he still hates him and at the competition qualifiers, they break up again and decide to go at it solo. But by the end, all is made right and a good movie was made.

I don't want to give too much away, that's why the review is paced as such. Magicians is actually a pretty decent movie. A lighthearted comedy involving friendship, betrayal and of course, magic.

Violence? Marie Antoinette
Explosions? Of Magic
Nudity? The Booty. Man Butt!

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Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)

A gang of bank robbers fight their way out of a zombie-infested London.

At a construction site, two workers unearth what appears to be a tomb, sealed by order of King Charles in 1666. Exploring it, they find a pit full of human skulls, two of which re-animate and take their lines.

On the other side of town, two brothers plan for a bank heist. They first deliver to a care home for meals on wheels and introduce one of the best characters ever, their grandfather, Ray. He's a tough old bloke and a badass. At the rest home, the zombies attack, but are beat the fuck up by Ray, who quickly takes charge of the situation. At the bank, they actually recognize the threat as zombies and react accordingly. The kids run back to save their grandfather and his friends by extension.

Highlights:

• They make reference to the running/sprinting zombies from the other films. Essentially calling it stupid.
• Not only does the dude have a zombies mouth hanging from his wrist, he kicks a zombie baby right into an "anti child violence ad"
• There's a hilarious slow speed chase between one of the old guys and the zombies at home
• Zombie hooligans fight even when they're dead. "They [still] can't stand each other!"

Cockneys Vs Zombies is a very entertaining film and an awesome blend of comedy and horror. Zombies are overdone, but whenever they put a new twist, it catches my attention. In this film, it was old people versus zombies. Especially after they are brought guns and arm up. Especially Ray, who as I've mentioned is a beast. And i want him to be my grandpa. It's completely unexplained just how and why Katy is such a badass, but it doesn't matter, because she is also a beast.  

Violence? Yes
Explosions?  Yes
Nudity? No

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Truth Or Die (2012)

Four teenage friends are taken hostage by a vengeful psychopath and forced to play a party game with life-or-death consequences.

6 months after being bullied at a Halloween party, a young man takes his life. His war vet brother comes home and gathers his friends in an attempt to get answers.

 I'm only going to ask you one more time. Truth. Or. Dare? Motherfucker.

Truth or Die is essentially British torture porn. It has elements of Saw but it isn't as brutal or as unforgiving as Hostel. I definitely wasn't expecting it to be as good as it was. Not to mention, there is a super predictable twist that is surprisingly still jarring when revealed. All in all, it's not a bad film.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

In this byzantine psychological thriller, working stiff Ian Stone finds himself trapped in a bizarre reality: Every day he dies a horrific death at the hands of a killer, only to be resurrected and murdered again. Can Ian get to the bottom of the mystery and break the recurring cycle of death and rebirth?

A young American in Britain is hunted by wraith like ghouls. The ghouls are parasites who feast on the fear of humans. They are called Harvestors and they can only be seen when they want to and they are hunting Ian as he shares some connection with them. Each time they kill him, he is transported to another reality, and each time he starts to remember his past, they kill him again.

Soon, he is "enlightened" by an older man who informs him of his situation. In each of his lives, he has one constant, Jennie, the love of his life. They are more connected than he realizes and he must protect her at all costs. Of course he doesn't believe at first, but after being killed twice more, he heeds his warnings. Once Ian regains his memories however, he is able to rid himself of his enemies and live peacefully with Jennie.

The Deaths of Ian Stone is at its heart a love story. A sci-fi/horror mix that is entertaining as well as cheesy. The special effects were well done and I'm a fan of Jaimie Murray.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Severance (2006)

During a team-building retreat in the mountains a group of sales representatives are hunted down by crazed killers.

The film starts with three people running in the woods from an unseen attacker.  One of them is caught and gutted and the rest of the film tells the events leading up to that point. It is soon revealed that the three victims were part of a group of weapons salesmen who were on their way to a team building retreat in the mountains of Hungary. The group is soon quietly stalked and violently picked off by a group of Russians who viewed revenge on their parent company for some misgivings long ago.

Severance is a film that sticks true to and for the most part follows the general formula for these types of films. The comedy element is that the group was supposed to be office mates on a team building exercise and as we all know, nothing builds  teamwork like escaping crazed killers.

The group isn't 100% likeable, but you'll still feel bad for them as they are picked off. The comedy is in the fact that these people have no business being in those woods, but just like in reality, management makes stupid decisions and everyone else suffers for it. Albeit brutally, in this film.
Idk. I liked it.

Here's the trailer:

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? 1
Nudity? Blink and you'll miss it.

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Devil's Playground (2010)

As the world succumbs to a zombie apocalypse, Cole a hardened mercenary, is chasing the one person who can provide a cure. In his way aren't only the flesh eating super athletic cannibals as humanities greatest danger, are people themselves!

After a medical trial results in a viral infection, a former mercenary is sent to track down the one test subject who seems to show no symptoms or complications. Pretty soon after receiving his mission, the 29,999 other test subjects become mindless zombies and the country is quickly overrun. She now becomes the country's only hope. Luckily, he finds her pretty quickly, but the pace and the carnage immediately picks up as they set out to escape a country full of flesh eating monsters.


The Devil's Playground is standard zombie fare with one interesting twist, not only do the infected give chase, they can also jump and climb walls. That's right folks. these zombies know parkour.

My only question?
Who the fuck "tests" a drug with 30,000 people? How is that even remotely considered a good idea?

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? No

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Ali G Indahouse (2002)

Ali G unwittingly becomes a pawn in the evil Chancellor's plot to overthrow the Prime Minister of Great Britain. However, instead of bringing the Prime Minister down, Ali is embraced by the nation as the voice of youth and 'realness', making the Prime Minister and his government more popular than ever.

The Ali G movie. The one that started it all...

For those who haven't seen it, Ali G is basically the story of a suburban gangster who is becomes a member of parliament with the sole intention of keeping his local community center open.  The Deputy Prime Minister of England recruits Ali to run for Parliament in an attempt to tank his party and snake his way into the Prime Minister's office. Somehow Ali wins the vote and is elected. His policies and behavior captures the imagination of the country and his star rises, much to the chagrin of the D.P.M. After being ousted from government on charges of drugging elected officials, he finds out that the prime minister has been setup and sets out to recover the video footage to clear his name. Of course he manages to save the day, live happily ever after and embarrass the former D.P.M. One last time.

I skipped out on the Ali G phenomenon when it started. Didn't think it was funny or worth my time, but now that the hype had died down significantly, I figured it was time to check it out. Turns out, it was actually funny. Enjoyable even. The comedy comes from the satire of wiggers, wankers, posers that is nearly spot on. complete with all of the blatant outrageousness that comes with the entire country playing the straightman.

Surprisingly, this the film of actually well done and consistently funny. At one point, there's a Borat cameo that surprisingly works well within the context of the film. The Soundtrack isn't bad either. I like the British version of Montel Jordan's "This is How We Do It."

Sacha Baron Cohen is legitimately talented (for a dude named Sacha) and watching it now probably didn't hurt.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No. surprisingly.

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Attack The Block - 2011

A teen gang in South London defend their block from an alien invasion.

After mugging a woman, something drops from the sky and they chase out down and kill it. little do they know, there's a lot more on the way. They bring the alien to a guy who is a dealer. Looking to leave it there for the night. He speaks to the drug lord Hi-Hatz, (Sigh) who is a 50Cent look-alike (Double Sigh) and actually gets a promotion to dealer.

50 Quid.

After witnessing more drop from the sky in clusters, the gang sets out to hunt and kill. They head back to their apartments to arm up and it's on. Until they actually see what they are up against, and instinctively bitch out. Running away, The Leader Moses, is caught by the police as he has been identified by the lady he mugged earlier. The Police van is attacked by the aliens and the kids make an effort to rescue their leader.

Mid-Movie Thought:
"I don't get the hype surrounding this film. yes, it had its moments, but overall it kinda sucks. One of the kids has a vespa. How tough can you be with a Vespa Scooter?"

Seriously?

They end up running through the streets in an attempt to get back home and one of them gets bitten for his trouble. Back in their building, they conveniently run into their victim from earlier and force their way into her apartment. She's a nurse named Sam, and they force her to help.The aliens get into the complex and track them to Sam's apartment where Moses actually proves he's a tough guy by taking one out via samurai sword.

It is suggested that the aliens are after the group because they killed the initial alien. We get some heavy handed message about how "actions have consequences." Bleh. Fifty Quid, shows up pops off a few rounds and gets trapped in an elevator with one of the creatures. True to his American Namesake, he somehow manages to survive.

The boys form a plan to head back to the Penthouse as they believe it is the safest place. (When they make it, they are ambushed by Fifty Quid who's luck runs out as he is devoured by no less than 6 of the monsters, right after giving the standard evil monologue.) Under UV light, it is shown that Moses is covered in what appears to be some type of alien fluid and they have been tracking him by that. He decides to play the hero again, and says that he intends to lead them into a trap and blow then up, finishing what he started.

He apologizes to Sam for mugging her and heads out to atone for his misdeeds. Then the film attempts to humanize him or garner some sympathy as he sets his plan in motion. He succeeds and the cops show up at the end and arrest everyone in sight. Moses will be forever remembered as a the hero who saved the planet, and as he's driven away, everyone is on their feet and chanting his name.

Stray Quotage:


-"Have you got a boyfriend?"
     "Yes."
"Are you sure about that, because he isn't looking out for you tonight."

-"You gotta fix my leg. I need it for running from those things!"

"Please keep me out of your gang warfare bullshit!"
    "Lady, This has nothing to do with gangs...or rap music, or drugs or violence in video games."

-"We gotta kill them, we gotta catch them all"
     "Calm down, this isn't pokemon"

Pest, had to be the funniest character in this film. All the above lines came from him.

Attack The Block was insanely overhyped. I just didn't think it was that good or coherent. Idk. Initially, I got drunk and fell asleep on this film, but not before I was able to see that it looked lame.  I did get to the end the 2nd time around, but I don't feel like I missed anything the first time.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Triangle - 2009

The story revolves around the passengers of a yachting trip in the Atlantic Ocean who, when struck by mysterious weather conditions, jump to another ship only to experience greater havoc on the open seas.

Spoiler Alert: Cute Chick/Stupid Hat = Instant Death.

Shit happens fairly quickly in Triangle. A seemingly distraught Jennie, boards a yacht with some friends intending to get some peace of mind. The ship runs into a storm at sea and capsizes. After the storm subsides, the survivors find each other and suddenly a ghost ship appears. They board the ship, thinking it salvation.

As the group wanders through the ship, Jennie finds her keys and sees another person. They soon discover that no one is aboard the ship except a killer who is quickly picking them off.

...And That's when the movie starts to pick up. Seriously.

Watch the trailer. I know it doesn't do the film justice, but trust me when I tell you that this film is crazy:

Not, only does Triangle get better as it goes along, this has to be the only movie in existence where the old, "no more bullets, throw the gun" is used and actually fucking works.

I was going to go for a 6.5, but I'm bumping it to a solid 7. Everything comes full circle and Triangle pulls this off pretty well. Plus they threw a gun. It always brings me joy to see that.

This movie blew my mind a bit. Just a lil. But that's how daddy likes it. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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