Evil Dead (2013)

Five friends head to a remote cabin, where the discovery of a Book of the Dead leads them to unwittingly summon up demons living in the nearby woods. The evil presence possesses them until only one is left to fight for survival.

Spoiler Alert: Someone reads from the book.

On one end, I felt bad for the dude that read from the book because he got the brunt of all the attacks in this film. On the other end of the spectrum, he did ignore all of the warnings and read from the book thus directly causing everything that happened. Sooo, he kinda deserved it...

It had even rained blood at one point. I know Slayer must be pleased.

Evil Dead is both a remake and a new movie at the same time. There are enough homages to the original but this one quickly goes in it's own darker direction. I want to see where they go with the second film, although I doubt it will match up to this one.

Would I buy it?

I think the movie was solid. I wouldn't buy it though. There's something missing. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it doesn't give me that "OMG, I have to own this film," vibe. Regardless it's still a solid flick and one of the better remakes.

Sidenote: I cannot give enough praise to the acting skills of Jane Levy. Whatever "IT" is, she has it. In this film she went from coked up teen to possessed demon to stone sober badass with what seemed to be very little effort and each phase was completely different.

 She's earned a fan. 

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Oblivion (2013)

A veteran assigned to extract Earth's remaining resources begins to question what he knows about his mission and himself.

So apparently we fought a war against robots. We won, but in reality we lost because we used our nukes against them and wrecked the planet. The robots now mine the planet and destroy any remaining human. Except Tom Cruise, because Scientology is the one true religion.

Nothing happens for about half of the film, then Morgan Freeman finally shows up, (for 10 minutes) explains the plot and earns his freckle. His presence didn't help any as the movie was basically Tom Cruise making Tom Cruise faces and flying/walking around a desert for about 2hrs.

Oblivion is essentially a polished turd. Sure it looks pretty, but ultimately it is still shit. I won't go into specifics because I don't want to spoil it and judging from the crowds it has received at theaters, people want to see it. They have no idea what they're getting into though. It reached Avatarian levels of suck.

There are way too many bad things to say about this movie, but I'll try something positive: this movie will look fantastic in high definition.

There. Now don't waste your money or your time.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Singham (2011)

A humiliated gangster, Jaikant Shikre, uses his influence and goon power to terrorize a newly transferred police officer while trying to win the elected seat of Minister. Super Inspector Bajirao Singham will have his hands full watching his back, protecting his woman and cleaning up the police force, all while trying to take down Shikre before the election.

Jaikant Shikre is a ruthless smooth talking gangster. He owns Goa and essentially does what he wants. His intention is to run for government, knowing that if he is elected, he'll be untouchable. His misdeeds eventually land him in the crosshairs of super Inspector Bajirao Singham.

 

Singham=Indian Jon Hamm

Singham is the embodiment of justice. He is an uncorruptable honest cop who not only has his own theme song, his intro includes singing and dancing, cool shades and slow motion walking. Also, According to his song, he destroys evil and never lets bad guys escape.

Because this is a Bollywood movie, there has to be some type of love story and or signing and dancing-- Singhams into notwithstanding-- so we get to watch Singham develop as a character as he meets and falls in love with Kavya Goatum, the daughter of a guy who used to live in the village. He saves her honor and after spending time with each other, she eventually drops the L word. He's initially taken aback but after a song and dance montage he comes to accept his true feelings for her.

With that out of the way, we can get back to the good stuff. During their first confrontation, Singham gets the upper hand and reminds Shikre that he is nothing but criminal scum. Embarrassed, he leaves immediately and sets about plans for revenge. He gets Singham transferred to Goa and outright threatens to kill him because he runs that place and there's no one there that can stop him.

Singham is definitely entertaining and the beauty of it is, I can't tell whether it is intentionally over the top or not. Either way it's glorious.

In the end, Singham delivered:

3 public belt to ass whippings
2 very public shamings of the police
2 song and dance routines
2 inspirational speeches
4 open palm super slaps

I'm having a hard time trying to justify giving Singham just a 5. I really enjoyed it but it isn't a "5" and I really don't want to come back to change this later, sooo...4?.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Monster House (2006)

***An icheckmovies Listed Movie Review***

Little DJ has suspicions about the house across the street and the cranky old man who lives there. Unfortunately, as he, his friend Chowder, and a candy-selling prep-school girl named Jenny discover, the house itself has plans--plans that include eating all the kids who'll be trick-or-treating that Halloween night! In order to stop it and save the neighborhood, They'll have to unravel the mystery of the house and destroy it, but first they'll have to go inside...

Monster House is darker than I thought it would be. One Halloween night long ago, a woman who was extra possessive of her new home, tried to axe some kids who egged her, fell in the foundation and was covered in cement. She died in that house and became it. Now every Halloween since, she comes alive and tries to eat people for sustenance. They blow it up with dynamite. It is a not a children's movie.

And the crazy old man who was always yelling at you to "get off his lawn," yeah, he was probably protecting you. I'll never look at crazy old men the same way. (He didn't have to break that little girls tricycle though.)

I laughed and enjoyed Monster House a bit more than I thought I would. The animation looked a bit weird, but the story was alright and the jokes landed successfully.

  

Out of Ten? 7.5

Violence? No
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Cujo (1983)

A friendly St. Bernard named "Cujo" contracts rabies and conducts a reign of terror on a small American town.

You know, I've never watched Cujo. I may have been scurred as a youth, but now as a lover of all killer animal films, there's no excuse.

So apparently, Cujo was a gentle dog, until he fucked up and chased a rabbit into a bats nest. A few bites later and here we are. It takes a while for him to reenter the story however, and in the meanwhile we get introduced to the whitebread family who will be his chew toys in the future. The father, Victor, is an ad executive, the mother, Donna, is sleeping with their contractor and their son, Tad is scared of monsters.

When they first encounter Cujo is at the mechanic's ranch. Donna is initially afraid and suspicious. But manages to keep it together for her son.

When Donnas car breaks down, Victor suggests that she take it to the mechanic who lives up the road. That mechanic is home to Cujo,who is full rabid by now and traps them in the car, watching and attacking anytime they try to escape. Eventually she manages to Pull a Homer* and kill Cujo, but the more pushing concern is bringing her son back to life who appeared to have died from heatstroke. Just as he is revived, a revived

Cujo attacks again, but is put down for good with some hot lead.

 Cujo was a big fucking dog before he turned. After? I started rooting for him.

Stupid decisions by the wife in this film:

-Force open the jammed door as opposed to the passenger side which had no problems.
-Go outside the car where there's been a killer dog stalking her for two days.
-Jump back into the same car where she left her son while said dog is attacking.

Final analysis: She deserved to die.
That kid is an annoying little fuck. I wouldn't have been upset if Cujo got him too.

Fun Fact #1:
All the dog related attacks could have been completely prevented if someone would have taken that dog to a vet as soon as it showed up with that bite on it's face. The domestic stuff probably would have happened anyway. 

Fun Fact #2:
Scenes of the family falling apart are interspersed with scenes of Cujos deteriorating mental state.
It's a very interesting dynamic once you see it.


Cujo is and was a solid movie,but like all of his other films, the ending was terrible. I'm now convinced that Stephen King writes his books in such a way that they cannot be set to film properly as far as the endings are concerned.Which leads me to...

Fun Fact #3:
As it turns out, he wrote an awesome ending originally. Then changed it for the film because it made sense.

But don't take my word for it....


Violence? Cujo was wrecking shit.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Raising Arizona (1987)

 

 *** An icheckmovies Listed Movie Review***

 

 
So I'm watching this movie and I can't tell whether it's boredom or my complete apathy for anything much cage, but I am seriously not interested in this movie.

Maybe it was awesome in it's time, but I don't see it now. I'm so happy that I don't have to score this movie.


Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Hustle & Flow (2005)

With help from his friends, a Memphis pimp in a mid-life crisis attempts to become a successful hip-hop emcee.

 
The mang man is back, mang. Terrence Howard is DJ, a pimp/dealer who--in the midst of a midlife crisis-- decides he wants to be a rapper. (I'm surprised the character wasn't revealed to also be a basketball star at some point.) For the rest of the film, he focuses his time, money and hoes towards achieving his dream.

I'm going to go full DJ in this review. * Ohh it's on, mang!

You see, mang, Hustle and Flow...is like a inspirational tale mang, for ignorant people, mang. The message behind it is cliche (and hammered in) peep this, mang:

"Everyone has a dream and it's up to you to see it through."

You know, mang, I feel confident in saying that the folks stuck in the hood, mang, would respond well to this film mang.

Soundtrack was dope, mang. I mean mang, it gave us a glimpse of music production as the songs were created, mang, from the ground up, mang. But I can't believe that they went with "whoop that trick" as the first single, mang. "It's hard out here" was much more radio friendly, mang.

This exchange between DJ and Ioni pretty much sums up the film for me:

Ioni: One day you'll have to explain that to me.
DJ: What?
Ioni: What the fuck it is that you do.
 

 *never go full DJ.

Out of Ten? 7 

Violence? Surprisingly very little, mang.
Explosions? Only of lyrical lyrics, mang.
Nudity? Mang, One of his hoes dances at the local nudie bar, mang.

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The Grey (2011)

After their plane crashes in Alaska, six oil workers are led by a skilled huntsman to survival, but a pack of merciless wolves haunts their every step.

"Seven days to the wolves...where will you be when they come to take us?" - Nightwish

It was never explained just how he knew what he knew. Granted he's Liam Neeson and he probably does know, but still a little back-story would be nice.

The asshole tough guy gets the most peaceful death? The whole point of that character is to be killed off violently just for making us hate him so much.

The black guy survives a plane crash and survives something like two wolf attacks only to be taken out by Bronchitis? Let's ask Sweet Brown how she feels about this situation:

The film was always headed towards a final fight between the alpha wolf and Liam Neeson because he became the alpha of his group. Problem is, they built up the mystique of the alpha a bit too well. I expected a giant fucking wolf. Not that what we got wasn't any less dangerous, but still.

The Grey is essentially Liam Neeson surviving in the wilderness and fighting wolves. I could probably watch Liam Neeson fight a tree for an hour and be entertained but overall, this movie was too much talking and not enough wolfing.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Klown (2010)

In order to prove his fatherhood potential to his pregnant girlfriend, Frank 'kidnaps' her 12-year-old nephew and tags along on his best friend Casper's debauched weekend canoe trip.

After learning that his wife is pregnant and may not keep it, Frank sets out to prove to her that he is father material, by taking her nephew, Bo, on the camping trip he set up with his best friend Christian. The trip was supposed to be the "Tour of Pussy," a weekend getaway where they can meet and bed women, so naturally Christian is opposed to bringing a child. What follows next is series of hilariously awkward moments as Christian tries to get him some and Frank tries to balance taking care of Bo while having fun.


I don't know how to explain the absurdity of Klown. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm but with more blatant sex jokes and line pushing that we don't get in America.

Here's an example:

There's a scene in which Frank is told that he should give his wife a pearl necklace as an expression of his love. Later that night, he takes their advice, and as he's set to finish, his wife walks in, only to see him finishing on her mother.

That scene takes place near the beginning of the film but this is the type of movie it is. Awkward uncomfortable humor.

Klown, is a bit long, but most of that is the setup to another joke or fallout from the previous punchline. It really isn't the type of film you need to see twice, but despite the 2hrs, it pays off in laughs. Try to make time to watch it on a slow day.

Out of Ten? 7.5 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Deadfall (2012)

A thriller that follows two siblings who decide to fend for themselves in the wake of a botched casino heist, and their unlikely reunion during another family's Thanksgiving celebration.

After a casino robbery, two siblings plan to head to Canada. But split up to avoid the cops. They intend to meet up across the border but they find each other unexpectedly at the same thanksgiving dinner, at the house of a former sheriff and attended by a current deputy. Things become even more complicated when the sister falls for her patsy.

Olivia Wilde has a big forehead. 

I've Somehow never noticed that before. 

I thoroughly enjoyed the sex scene which featured the most realistic depiction of sex ever: Hot and heavy foreplay followed by about 1 min of actual sex, quickly followed by labored breathing.
It's like they took my life and put it on the screen. I'll have to check my room for cameras later because I swear they were watching me somehow.


Three issues with this film:

1) Why do the sheriffs department treat the only female deputy like shit? Her father is the fucking sheriff and he encourages it. At one point leaving her off a mission because he was afraid she'd have to change her tampon.
Wow.

Fun fact #1: she's the only competent member of the force
Fun fact #2: a few of those dick cops are killed, so...it works out?

2) Deadfall is the type of movie that let's you know when there's a stunt by slowing down the footage so you can understand that there's a stunt happening. Because we're stupid.

3) The other issue is that you have to wait for them to set up all the pieces. Problem is, nothing really happens until everyone is in the same room. And even then, not much occurs.

Deadfall is basically two different movies. Eric Bana is having an crime thriller adventure and Olivia Wilde is in a romance drama. Problem is they both suck.

Has Eric Bana secretly sucked as an actor? 

I never thought that before Deadfall, but then I thought about Hanna. Has he?

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Olivia Wilde boob!

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The Lorax (2012)

***I check movies listed movie***

A 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world.

The Lorax (2012) is a remake as it was originally released in 71.

I didn't think I'd enjoy this film but I found it refreshing that it didn't pander specifically to kids (or maybe it did and I still have some maturing to do). The more cartoony aspects started to fade the minute the first tree was lost. Once the forest was gone, it transitioned into a tale of environmentalism and greed with hope for a bright future.

One caveat, "only a guy who truly cares will be able to regrow the forest." That dude couldn't care less. He knew that getting a tree would increase his pussy potential and he was only trying to plant that tree so he could plant his tree. So was he really a hero?

That part bothered me, but In his defense, if I had a seed that equaled guaranteed pussy, I'd fight like hell to plant it and I guess having a forest full of them couldn't hurt either. Danny Devito did an awesome job as the Lorax. I couldn't really recognize any of the other voices and that was good because it allowed me to concentrate on the story without being distracted.

Out of Ten? 7

I don't respond well to heavy handed messages about environmentalism and capitalism. (I'm looking in your direction Avatar)

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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James and the Giant Peach (1996)

***An iCheckMovies listed movie Review*** 

An orphan with terrible aunts for guardians, befriends human like bugs who live inside a giant peach, who take the boy on a journey to New York City.

He's given a bag of magic crocodile tongues by a creepy stranger and told that they will help him get to New York City. He is cautioned not to spill or lose the bag which he immediately does and it's magic causes a peach to grow. Eventually he crawls inside and it shrinks him with it's magic. He meets insects who help the peach to set sail and soon he's on his way to NYC with his new friends.

So I'm sitting here watching this film like, isn't it supposed to be animated? It took a while but we finally got there.
 
My final thought was that I might have enjoyed this had I watched it as a child, but as an adult it just made me wish that I had developed fetal alcohol syndrome.

I'm not saying anything else about it.This movie sucked. Hard.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Rec 3: Genesis (2013)

A couple's wedding day turns into a horrific events as some of the guests start showing signs of a strange illness.

The movie starts with footage of the guests arriving to the wedding of Koldo and Carla, two very happily in love people. Koldo's uncle shows up sporting a bandage and when asked, says that one of the dogs bit him at his job. It doesn't take long before he's off biting people and the infection spreads quickly and violently. Separated during the chaos, Koldo and Carla spend the rest of the film trying to find each other and survive but they have no idea of what they're up against.

 No Caption Necessary.

Outside of the infected, Rec 3 is nothing like the other two. The close quarters and dark corners are gone and with that the suspense. It's like they purposely took the movie from it's environment in an attempt to see if it has legs elsewhere. (hint: it doesn't). Or maybe they wanted to make a separate movie and just slapped the "Rec" title on it to rein in more money because REC 3 was clearly a love story and thinly connected to the first two at that.

If you've been following the series, you'd remember that at some point, a dog was infected. That seemingly minor detail is what links this film to the other two. (Well that and the Hazmat guys.)
Funny thing is, Genesis isn't that bad as a standalone film. As a film in the REC canon though, it is bad. After watching the first two you come to expect a certain film and REC 3 deviates. Far. It is a love story with monsters as an obstacle. If it didn't give us anything new pertaining to the virus I'd score it lower. However, it is now known that the infected are stopped in their tracks when they hear the "Word of God" and they show their true demonic form when viewed in a mirror.

I really don't feel that this was a true REC movie, but because I didn't hate it, I'll meet you halfway at say...6.5?

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dredd (2012)

In a violent, futuristic city where the police have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner, a cop teams with a trainee to take down a gang that deals the reality-altering drug, SLO-MO.

Metro City is overrun with crime. The High Council recognizes that they are losing the war and if the city falls, all is lost. In their desperation, they have pushed to recruit more judges. Among the class is a woman who applied for judgeship previously, but was denied. It turns out that she is one of the most powerful psychics and they assign Judge Dredd, a highly decorated and capable judge to partner with and evaluate her.

On their first assignment together, they investigate a triple homicide and find evidence that the head of a powerful gang may be involved. A routine assessment becomes a fight for survival as They attempt to infiltrate her building and take her down. She quickly locks it down and the only way out is to fight their way to and kill the queen.

God Save The Queen.

Judge Dredd is a decent film. Not terrible, not great. The reason I avoided this film was because I thought it would be too much like The Raid. After watching, I think that's exactly the reason it's getting the acclaim that it is. This movie is, The Raid, but set in the future and significantly less awesome. Judging on its own merits however, Judge Dredd was violent, gory, and it took no prisoners. I was definitely impressed with it's presentation. However, I lost interest towards the latter half of the film. I don't know what happened, but I just stopped caring. Maybe I'll have to watch it again, (and if I do, I will gladly update or do another review) but on first impression, I'm saying 6.5. It was an unnecessary knockoff. There just wasn't much there.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Hyper
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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ATM (2012)

On a late night visit to an ATM, three co-workers end up in a desperate fight for their lives when they become trapped by an unknown man.

On the night of his office xmas party, a young day trader strikes up a conversation with an alluring coworker who is on her way out of the firm. After they strike up a mutual interest, He offers her a ride home but is forced to drop his close friend off as well. During the ride, they decide to get something to eat. Stopping at an ATM for cash.

While inside, they spot a menacing figure standing outside the doors and after he kills a guy in front of them, they realize they could suffer the same fate if they step outside while he's there. Trapped inside the booth, they have to come up with a plan or wait out the night; a task made more difficult as they have no heat and their torment intensifies.

ATM is about three people who are stuck in an ATM booth for hours as a menacing figure stands outside and torments them without rhyme or reason. It is a taut, tension filled thriller that really relies on the chemistry if its characters to get the film moving. The one thing I don't get about this movie is that it's three of them and one of him. They really could just run and scatter (especially when he's distracted) but then I guess we'd have no movie. Outside of that loophole, it works. I think it's a good concept, just sloppy in its execution.

Out of Ten? 6 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Mask Maker (2010)

When a young deformed boy witnesses his mothers death, he comes back to take revenge on anyone who dares enter his property.

A young man buys the deed to an old plantation house to give to his lady, Jennifer as a gift for her birthday. Exploring it, they wonder why it sold for so cheap, but disregard it because they now own a home. Surveying the house and land, the boyfriend finds a mysterious staff stuck in the ground and pulls it out. Since nothing immediately happened, they get to work fixing up the place, and decide to stay the night. A mysterious bandaged man watches silently from outside.

At the hardware store, they receive the "cryptic ominous warning" from the town drunk, Mr. Peck, but continue on, because he's the town drunk and everything he says smells like booze. They get back to the house to find their friends waiting to help and now that the cast is complete, the film can finally begin.

While cleaning the next day, the ladies find a diary and through flashbacks, we get a bit of the history of the house and it's former occupants. Hearing the rest of the story from the boozy Mr. Peck, they are once again warned to leave the house as the bandaged man will kill them all. Disregarding warnings is the norm in these films, so his words go unheeded as Fleshface begins his onslaught and quickly picks them off, two by two.

It is explained that Fleshface is a man brought to life with black magic and he cannot be killed, only put down with a particular staff. Once he's active, it doesn't take long for him to get on his mass murdering shit and he wears each victims face during his next kill. By the time they learn of the staff, Fleshface has slaughtered a good amount of people and is intent on finishing his work.

Peck stands up to him, believing it is his responsibility as he's stopped him once before. He unfortunately manages to take an axe to the back for his troubles and that's that. Jennifer manages to subdue Fleshface and as she gets ready to end the threat, the police show. Undoing the last hours worth of hard work, they remove the staff, thus bringing Mil Mascaras Humanas back to life and opening the door for a sequel.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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How to Train Your Dragon (2010)

****An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review****

A hapless young Viking who aspires to hunt dragons becomes the unlikely friend of a young dragon himself, and learns there may be more to the creatures than he assumed.

Vikings. Dragons. Finally these two awesome entities collide. Why hasn't this been done sooner?

Hiccup is atypical. he longs to be a true Viking yet In a village full of burly warriors, he's a scrawny thinker and for that he is ostracized. During a nighttime raid, he manages to capture the elusive Night Flier, a dragon that no one has ever seen. No one believes him so he sets out to find it on his own. Unable to kill it, he sets it free and they develop a mutual respect and friendship. He eventually uses his new found knowledge to rewrite their information books as he learns that everything they know about dragons is wrong.

The dragons are presented as pests to the Viking village and it is eventually decided that wiping out their nest is their best option for survival. Hiccup, however, learns that the dragons are only raiding their village in order to feed their queen, otherwise she will eat them. When he tries to tell his father, he is summarily dismissed and basically called a traitor. Thick headed and foolhardy, his father uses Hiccup's dragon, Toothless, to direct him to the hidden dragon nest which he intends to destroy and bites off more than he can chew when the Queen Dragon is awakened.

The "Queen Dragon." It can fly and has fire breath.

Hiccup immediately gathers his friends and remaining dragons and flies out to the island in order to save both toothless and his dad.


How to Train Your Dragon was actually a pretty solid film. It was a little more adult oriented and the action was consistently good. Plus, I'm a sucker for nearly anything dragon. [Dragon-Related tangent: You know the one thing that is never covered in dragon movies? Dragon shit. Seriously. They eat, they shit. How has this not been covered?!]

Out of Ten? 8 

Fuck Thriftshops, Dragons are fucking awesome.

Violence? Hot Man on Dragon and Dragon on Man action.
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Olympus has Fallen (2013)

Disgraced former Presidential guard Mike Banning finds himself trapped inside the White House in the wake of a terrorist attack; using his inside knowledge, Banning works with national security to rescue the President from his kidnappers

The most unrealistic attack on American soil has just taken place and it's up to Gerard "300" Butler to kick in doors, smash windows, and kill every terrorist on his way to save the president. North Koreans have infiltrated the White House, killed every active Secret Service agent and many civilians in a coordinated attack designed to capture the President, force the US to withdraw its troops in Asia and blow up the United States with their own nuclear missiles.

After an incident at Camp David, (The timeline is never clearly stated) in which the first lady dies, agent Butler has been taken off the president's detail and assigned desk duty at the Department Of the Treasury. He makes no secret that he wants back in and when the Koreans attack, he heads straight for The White House and gets in on the action.

'Merica for 'Mericans!

Olympus contained an impressive number of headshots. At one point though, he took out a sniper with a glock from sniping distance. That was the moment I threw my hands up. I could live with the Korean airplane that was gunning people down for 8 solid minutes in front of the White House, but this? This was too much.

Needless to say, Olympus Has Fallen is not to be taken seriously nor is it a joke. When's the last time we head a brutal one Man Army Pro America Anti Terrorist film? The nature of the film allows it to be over the top. It could have easily been worse, but it wasn't. Thing is we need movies like this. There are too many soft films and not enough guy flicks out there.

One of the best parts of the film is when Gerard Butler carries through on his threat to stab the bad guy in the head with his knife. He has him down, looks him in the eyes, notices the knife in his hand, thinks about it, kinda shrugs, then knifes him. Twas awesome.



Sidenote: 
Olympus sports some of the worst dialogue ever. I know it happens in films like these, but still. Oh and there's also a very dramatic (and emphatic) "thumbs up" which signified that the day had been saved. Also I'm sure they blatantly changed actors playing the president's kid and hoped no one would notice. I did. I noticed.

Extra Sidenote:
I do appreciate the subtle shift in Top Asian villain status as it belonged to Japan for many years, was followed by China for a bit and finally recently passed down to the newest most dastardly Asian enemy, North Korea.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Sooo many headshots
Explosions? 'Muricah! Fuck yeah!
Nudity? No

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Pulp Fiction (1997)

The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.

I'm not going to review this film because everyone has seen it by now. I just needed to put it on the blog.

The only real question I have concerning this film is: Whatever happened to Ving Rhames?
All of the characters from this film can be found today except him:

• Travolta is "not" a gay scientologist
• Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson (and arguably moreso as he gets older.)
• Bruce Willis appears in a lot of shit randomly. (Seriously.)
• Uma Thurman is hot and still semi-relevant. 
• Christopher Walken still finds work.

What the fuck happened to Ving?

Even Matthew Maconalamalamalama has found other roles to take his shirt off in. But Ving? He's all but disappeared. Weird.

There's a solid soundtrack somewhere in there that I can't argue with, and I'm also fairly certain that Tarantino wrote and acted in the role he did solely because he wanted say "nigger" a few times and get away with it.

So, quotes and stills?
Nah. Better. Internet quotes and stills:

 

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Act of Valor (2012)

***Live Blog Review***

An elite team of Navy SEALs embark on a covert mission to recover a kidnapped CIA agent.

- Here we go, The only movie starring active duty marines.Yay!
 
- Chris Brown is putting a hurting on "Roselyn Sanchez"(Chris Brown jokes never get old, apparently.)

-Wait, that is Roselyn Sanchez. Oh man, her career...

- So three days ago two CIA agents were ambushed. The female agent was Taken(wink) wrapped in a carpet and carried out of her house (The old Carpet Burrito.)
 
- The Navy seals are prepping for their mission to bring her back safely. They hang out with their families and friends one last time and say their goodbyes before they head out the next morning. (Nice to see that even the Marines take time for cliches.)

- There's a lot of first person camera work and I'm feeling kinda queasy.

- If we could exchange the "acting" scenes for more action scenes, we'd have one hell of a kick ass film.

- These dudes can't act. But they are so wooden. I kept expecting them to snap and yell, "YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME?!! I'M A SOLDIER!!!"

- This movie is a cleverly disguised recruitment tool. Somewhere out there is a 3-Star General, laughing at all the new applications he's processed since the film's release.

By the end of this film, some dude took an RPG to the chest and walked away. Even for a military film starting "Real Life Marines," that's a stretch.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Roast of Bob Saget (2008)

 

This ain't for the "Full House" crowd. Join a host of comedians and Hollywood personalities as they take playful aim at actor-comedian Bob Saget, best known for his role as the squeaky-clean dad on the long-running ABC sitcom. Among those taking jabs at the man of the hour are Norm MacDonald, Jeff Garlin, Jon Lovitz, Greg Giraldo, Brian Posehn, Cloris Leachman, Sarah Silverman, Jeffrey Ross and Uncle Jesse himself, John Stamos.

Comedy Central presents the celebrity roast of Bob Saget. The roast follows the usual format of celebrities on a dais, getting drunk, cracking wise on each other and their roastee, ending with him or her, turning the tables and ending the show. This roast was hosted by John Stamos, who while being handsome, is really not that funny. He did do an admirable job however, and there's no one else better suited to be the host of a Sagat roast than uncle Jessie.

Out of the roasts I've seen I'd say that this one was the weakest. It was funny, but not funny haha. I think there's more pressure when there's a larger amount of roasters, so it's even more apparent when they don't deliver. I also had trouble understanding how Bob Saget was big enough to be roasted, but it I guess we need a sacrifice every now and then.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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