Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen (2010)

Seven years after the apparent death of Chen Zhen, who was shot after discovering who was responsible for his teacher's death in Japanese-occupied Shanghai. A mysterious stranger arrives from overseas and befriends a local mafia boss. Disguising himself as a caped fighter by night, Chen intends to take out everyone involved as well as get his hands on an assassination list prepared by the Japanese. 

Set between the British occupation of Hong Kong and the Japanese invasion of China, war hero Chen Zhen, forms a Secret movement to fight the Japanese invasion of China. To that end, he infiltrates the high society and the Triads, hoping to influence them when the time comes. One rainy night, outside of a theater, he spots a black outfit with matching mask. He puts it on and kicks some Japanese ass. After the battle, he becomes the symbol of Japanese resistance and public enemy number 1. Eventually, he realizes that the only way to save China, is to defeat the ruthless Colonel of the Japanese army, who challenges him to a fight at the same dojo where Chen killed years ago.

Chen Zhen is the fucking man.

Return of the First was slick and had brief flashes of awesome but overall, it played more like a drama than an action flick. After the action of the first scene, the movie slows down to build up the characters. The slow pace is killer, the action scenes attempt to make up for it but there are a lot of lulls. If I could rate it based on that opening scene alone, it would score high. Unfortunately, the movie continued and it was all downhill from there. As it went on (and on), I could see why I skipped it.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, discovers vampires are planning to take over the United States. He makes it his mission to eliminate them.

 After his mother is killed as a child, a young Lincoln grows up with a lust for revenge and hunts down her killer. When he gathers the resolve to kill, he discovers that her killer is a vampire and can't be killed by traditional means. The next day, A hunter named Henry takes him under his wing and shows him how to kill these beasts and with time, Abraham comes to possess great abilities. His thirst however remains unquenched, as he still hasn't killed the one he wants. As his kill count increases, he looks to politics as a cover for his work. He soon discovers he has a knack for it and he eventually takes on the platform of ending slavery. This draws the attention of senior vampires, who in addition to having their friends killed, have also been using slave labor to slowly take over the South.

Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is basically a biography of Lincoln, but with vampires. All of the important/noteworthy events of his life are included, but the vampire storyline makes things a bit more interesting. What derails the film is it's insistence on being a biography, rather than an action farce starring one of our beloved presidents. Don't misunderstand, I like what they did, but the second half of the film dragged as he fought for a way to unite the nation and quell the vampire rebellion. Everything just seemed like a reach is all.

Lately, adding supernatural creatures to classic tales has been good business and A.L.:V.S. is no different. There is history, vampires, and Lincoln kicking all sorts of ass with an axe.

It is easy to tell (since vampires were added), that a lot of research went into this film in order to place them in proper context. I'm certain they used Lincoln's actual speeches for some of their scenes and William Lincoln, who died of typhoid fever while young, has been written as killed off by vampires in this film.

Out of Ten? 7

 The film itself and its novel are all clever revisionist history, and I must admit that it's pretty well done. If nothing else, this film is visually satisfying.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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War of the Arrows (2012)

Set during the second Manchu invasion of Korea, Nam Yi, the best archer in Korea, goes up against the Qing Dynasty to save his younger sister Ja In - who was dragged away by Manchurians. 

After watching their father killed in a nighttime raid, two children escape to the countryside to live with his trusted friend. 13 years pass and the brother, Nam-Yi is set in his ways, resigned to the fact that he'll never be regarded as more than the child of a traitor. His sister, Ja-In however is very headstrong and proud. On the day of her wedding, the castle is attacked and ransacked by the Evil Manchu army, with both the bride and groom being taken among many others. Just how ruthless were the Manchurians? They ripped a baby from a woman's arms and casually tossed it down a well.

Mmm...Evil

After a short battle, Nam-Yi returns to the castle, only to find it in shambles. As he chases the Manchurians, seeking to free his sister, he draws the attention of their top general who will stop at nothing to see him dead.

Slow and confusing in the beginning, War of the Arrows picks up as the stakes get higher. I'm not a fan of archers, but this film gave them the bad ass treatment and I was definitely impressed.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Bodyguards and Assassins

In 1905, the revolutionary Sun Wen intends to visit Hong Kong to discuss his plans for revolution with fellow Tongmenghui members. Ultimate goal is to overthrow the corrupt Qing dynasty. However, a group of assassins is sent to kill Sun.

Set during the days of british rule in hong kong and 3 years Before the events of the hong kong rebellion, the resistance fighters eagerly await the arrival of Sun Wen who plans to unite the districts and lead them against the empire and as the days get closer to Wen's arrival, the tension is high as both the ruling British and the powerful Qing Dynasty try everything in their power to stop him from making his rounds.

I expected an action flick. I got a historical drama. It's long (of course) but decent. There are action scenes, and it's educational in a sense.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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True Legend (2012)

Su Qi-Er retired from his life as a renowned Qing dynasty general in order to pursue his dream of a family and his own martial arts school. However, Su's peaceful life is shattered when his vengeful adopted brother, Yuan Lie, kidnaps his son and leaves Su for dead. Saved from his demise by his wife Ying and the reclusive doctor Yu, Su resolves to perfect his technique so that he may defeat Yuan Lie and reunite his family.Now burning to become a martial arts master, Su Qi-er submits to a teacher who helps him become more powerful than ever before.  

True Legend is essentially a biopic about  Su Can, a former chinese general, turned drunken beggar and his ascent to Legendary Martial Arts status.

The film starts with an awesome ninja style raid on the enemies headquarters. Su Leads a team into enemy territory to rescue his captured prince. For this, he is offered the position of Governor, which he declines because he's retiring to be with his family. He nominated his brother Yuan for the job and the story really begins there. 5 years later, Governor Yuan pays a visit to  Su and his family. Su's father says he doesn't trust him and relays the bloody history between himself and Yuan's father.Believing him to be out of control, with a deadly technique, the Five Venom Fist, Su's father killed.YUAN's father and raised them as brothers. Yuan had always resented this, and he fears that now that he's governor, nothing good can result.

Yuan arrives while Su is away, announces that he has mastered the Five Venom Fist and after a short battle he prices the old man right by killing him and taking his head. Su arrives too late top stop him, but during their fight he finds out that Yuan is hardcore. After landing some pretty good cuts with a sword, he realizes that he's causing no damage. Just then Yuan laughs and reveals that he has metal fucking armor sewn 1inch deep into his flesh.

 Hard.Fucking.Core.

Not long after this reveal, Yuan wings the fight (duh), infects him with the venom technique and throws him into a waterfall to die. Our hero goes through the "I've been throughly defeated and now I'm completely useless" phase and even becomes an alcoholic until his hair grows in and he defeats his own self pity. Believing him to be unable, she decides to rescue their son herself. Reading the note she left about his instability to save his family, Su, races off to the castle and fucks shit up on the way to defeat Yuan. Before the final battle however, Yuan says he won't kill his wife, but he has her buried alive in the forest. After a final fight that saw them fight into and out of a snake pit, Su kills Yuan and the race is then on to find his wife. Unfortunately he finds her too late. Now a drunken heartbroken beggar, we move onto phase two of our film: The Drunken Fist.

After wandering into a bar and fighting a drunken fist master, he runs into Ma, an old friend from his war days. Ma tells him that Foreign warriors are challenging Chinese to fights and are killing them and he decides to support his friend in his fight with the foreigners. During the fight, his son gets involved and he uses the drunken fist to save him and take on the foreigners who are apparently aided, controlled and released by "White Tupac" David Carradine, who I'm sure I've seen in more films post mortem than when he was alive.

 White Tupac

In the epilogue we learn that he wandered the country and used the fist. the style would then be copied and spread throughout the land. Making him a true Wushu master.


True Legend is a solid flick. Good action. Easy to follow story. Yet, still a bit longer than I'd have liked. But there is Michelle Yeoh...

Out of ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Man who Came Back (2008)

A man who fought for the South in the Civil War, is framed for murder and watches his family get killed as he is run out of town after being labeled a negro sympathizer. Slow and dramatic, nothing ever really happens, but the tension is built in a way that makes you think something will. When shit finally does happen, it's so forced and so cartoonishly evil that it takes you away and just makes you want to quit the film out of shame.

Seriously They made the main villain so unbelievably evil. How so? Well here's a checklist of every evil deed (in order):

• He's a former overseer
• Pays slaves in un-redeemable coupons
• Hangs negros (Naturally)
• Sends an innocent man to prison and rapes that man's wife in front of him
• Pistol whipped that man's son and dumped the body down a well [Yes. A fucking water well!]
• Tortures whores
• Massacres negroes
• Shatters a family's tombstones spreads the shards across town
• Brings a whip to a fist fight
• Brings a hidden derringer to a fist fight.

Wow. Just. Wow.
I think only UDay Hussain can say that he's done worse.

Out of Ten? 4

This film is like a long ass western soap opera.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Ironclad - 2011

 

In 13th-century England, a small group of Knights Templar fight to defend Rochester Castle against the tyrannical King John.

A retelling of Akira Kurosawa's famed "Seven Samurai," this time though, it is set in medieval times as five mercenaries, a land baron and a knight templar ride out to secure a strategic castle outpost from the ruthless King John (played by the awesome Paul Giamatti), who seeks to rule all England by force. Despite the Magna Carta, King John, with the consent of the Pope, has set out eliminate everyone involved with the passing of the law. The rebels who forced the law, set out to stop the king at all costs.

 Yay! They're gonna get medieval.

Ironclad was a Historical drama. Meaning, this film was going to be slow and methodical. Eventhough that was expected, it seriously dragged when there was no fighting. However, The over the top violence more than makes up for all of the drama during the slow parts (and there are many). FFS There's a scene in which one character beats an invader to death using the chopped off arm of another fallen invader! and Another in which one guy is strapped into a catapult and thrown into a castle wall. Those two death scenes alone + Paul Giamatti acting circles around the cast earn this movie no less than a 6.5.

Hail to the King, baby.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Brutality
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Black Death - 2011

Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is tasked with learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village.

During the time of the Bubonic Plague, a village stands unaffected. The Catholic Bishop has assembled a group of holy warriors and a monk, to investigate the village. Along the way, they have to travel through a forest and they come across thieves. A battle ensues and Shit gets real fairly quickly. someone even used a fucking morningstar!!!

Full Face-Smashery.

Limbs were lost, blood was sprayed, lives were lost. It was the most exciting 2 minutes in cinema.Then it gets boring again. The crew comes across a village that seems to have no dead. Although the villagers are welcoming, the group suspects them of evil. Our Monk is led to a ritual site and watches as his love interest is suddenly brought back from the dead by the village's queen. At the same time, the rest of the village are drugging and tying up the 1st of the crew. She offers them a chance at freedom if they renounce God, yet the men hold steady.

The following exchange made me chuckle:
"I'm going to teach you about pain."
"There's nothing you can teach me about pain!" Followed by very intense screaming. Classic.

Watching the situation unfold, one of the guys finally gets in "Fuck That!" mode and renounces. He is then led from the village and immediately hung. So, yeah, there's no real winning here.
Also, someone is drawn and quartered. When was the last time you've seen that happen? My thought process: "If he dies, That's totally making the list."

Being released, the Monk searches the swamp for the Witch, intending to both kill her and finally put an end to this dreadful crap. But that's wishful thinking because, there's still about 10minutes left as of this writing. The Swamp Witch wisely uses this time to taunt the Monk and break him down mentally. By the end, we're treated to a montage of sorts, showing the Monk as a crusader now, his heart blackened and cold, he hunts and burns witches.

"Spread the word of God. If there's something out there that's unexplainable, convert it or kill it." That's pretty much the theology of Christianity/Catholicism, but besides that, Black Death is straight filler. Only two scenes are worth your time. Everything else massively sucked. I had to start this film like 3x before I finally finished it. It was just boring and disinteresting. I'll never understand the hype surrounding it.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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