G.I. Joe Resolute (2009)

Listen, I'm fairly certain that I've written about this masterpiece once before but if not, here goes:

G.I. Joe Resolute is just about the best G.I.Joe film/resurrection the property has ever seen. Yes, even better than Retaliation. 

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Crowe, no. They took another beloved children's toon and ruined it, chasing dollars." No. Actually they took a beloved children's cartoon and turned it into something it should have been all along: a team of commandos, taking out a team of ruthless terrorists by any means necessary.

Doubt me?  Here's are a few reasons I gave it that star total below:

• Look at that fucking poster. That doesn't sell you?
• It was aired on the cartoon fucking network and wasn't TV Y-7
• They explained away the cobra commander's uselessness and made him into a complete badass at the same damn time.
• Snake eyes 
• Motherfucking Snake Eyes
• There's a red and blue laser reference with comments on how no one can shoot
• Motherfuckers actually die. Like for real.
• The Joes are almost as ruthless as  Cobra
• The Baroness. Say what you will about Lady Jaye, but the Baroness is where it was at. Jet black hair, glasses, an accent? *wait, uh, are anyone else's pants getting tighter art this moment?* anyway she was the type of girl you could not bring home to mama and she knew it.
• It didn't have The RZA teaching Snake Eyes (or Storm Shadow) Kung fucking Fu.

I stand by what I've said above, despite the lack of Dwayne Johnson, Resolute was better than Retaliation.

In retrospect, I think Retaliation took a few of their cues from Resolute. At the least, I doubt these three things are Coincidental:

• Cobra Commander being a ruthless bad ass
• The inclusion of Road block
• The inclusion of Firefly
• The destruction of a whole country 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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A Company Man (2013)

 

Hyeong Do, an assassin who look just like a company worker. He wants to stop but things doesn't go easy like he thought.

I put off this movie for a while. Can't say why. It sounded good, but I was just never in the mood for it.

The Cast: 

• A dedicated hitman who is a rising star in his company of secret assassins.
• Middle Management
• The rest of the company

The Situation:

Losing interest in his work, a top hitman makes a few career altering decisions, (finding love, leaving people alive, etc.) that can't go ignored in his industry. And they don't due to his meddling middle manager who has had it in for our hero since his star had begun to rise.

A Company Man was a pretty good film overall. A lot of action, a lot of gun fights and unfortunately drama. But in reality, the story is about a conflicted hitman who is losing his zeal for the job, so you kinda have to expect drama. In exchange for putting up with that however, the climactic scene sees a pissed off Hyeong Do return to the company and engage in  gun battles with all the current employees as he makes his way to his former boss. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Asian Schoolgirls

Violence and mayhem ensue after four school girls stumble upon an underground night club.

The Cast: 

• Asian Schoolgirls
• Rapists
• Hired Goons

The Situation:

Four schoolmates obtain fake ID'S and head out for a night on the town. As events unfold, they find themselves  drugged, raped and abandoned by the side of the road. After one of the girls commits Seppuku due to shaming her famiry, the three remaining friends set out to find their attackers and bring them to justice.

Their first order of business is to acquire weapons, and their second is to track down the guys. In order to kill birds with stones, they've decided to take on jobs as strippers, both to earn the money, keep tabs on the bad guys and also to provide us with that oh so gratuitous nudity. 

After a "quick" fight training/stripping montage where we see the girls acquire the skills to kill and pay the bills, we dive head first into the revenge story as the girls spot their attackers in the club and start their bloody path to the boss.

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Asian Schoolgirls was a better movie than I expected in general (because of all the nakedness) and took a quick turn into decent film territory once they started offing bad guys. I also feel like this movie world have worked better with "adults" as opposed to "teens" but eh. It would have been the same movie. Just minus the schoolgirl aspect, which was apparently very crucial to the plot. Which was clearly just to provide fap material for all of the male viewers. 

Speaking of which, you can't deny the film's sexiness (or attempts at such depending on which side you lean), what with their Asians and their tattoos and the stripper scenes and such, but outside of that? Eh. It's your typical girls are wronged and take up and to get revenge film. It plays like a white dude's elaborate excuse to see naked asskicking Asian Schoolgirls though. Not that I'm complaining. 

There's even a montage that combines stripping with learning how to fight and use their weapons. This movie was about a foot fetish away from hitting all the mainstream fetishes and although the film is unrated, I did not think there'd be nudity. Was genuinely surprised, but not really. Again, the whole film is a fetish flick.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? In pants
Nudity? Yes

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Pirate Vs Ninja: Fusion

Two Enemies Become One...Well, that was the intent anyway. If any of you know how to make a pirate-ninja, contact me. We can do business..

Not in love with this piece and I'll probably touch it up in the future, but I am happy with the way it turned out for now.

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Snow Piercer (2014)

In the future, scientists have found a way to reverse global warming. Unfortunately it worked a bit too well as it froze nearly everything and everyone save for the people aboard a miracle train, that never stops running.

This is where our story takes place. In the future, on a train where the rich occupy the first cars and keep the poor chained up in the back car like the dirty, filthy non money having "animals" they are.

Fed up with the bullshit, a plan is hatched to move through the cars and take control of the train. This plan will succeed where many others have failed, not only because they plan on taking the engine and water cars, but also because they are led by Captain America, disguised as Captain No Money in this case.

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You know, I've Been trying to bite my tongue regarding this film because I fell victim to it's hype. Plus it's damn near beloved for one reason or another.  You know how they say "Don't judge a book, blah blah blah?" Well, eff that, I can usually tell if I'd be interested in a film by it's poster alone. However, if I had seen this poster, I would have kept it moving. I got suckered in by the trailer. To its credit though, having the story take place on a train was a cool twist, but eh, the story has been told before. Dystopian future. Rich vs poor and the poor revolt, changing society. Bleh.

I was expecting action adventure and I got blindsided by all the drama. And boy, was there a lot of drama. Visually, the film was amazing. Plot and character wise? Meh. Like most very pretty films, I feel people are caught up on the graphics and not the story. *Cough* Avatar *cough* *cough*

Tilda Swinton though, crushed her role as the very punchable disciplinarian and boy was I happy when they revealed the mythical man they praised and sang songs about. Very few actors deserve that acclaim.

I didn't get that much enjoyment from the film, and I definitely don't get the hype, which is why I'm going with 2 stars. Be happy it looked so pretty.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Hard Times for Slash

So I was on the train the other day...

and randomly, a question popped into my head: "If Cousin Itt and Slash had a drunken love fest, would what would be the result?"

Would it look like this:

Man. And here I thought Slash was doing pretty well for himself. Smh.

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The Grossness #2

This is the shit I deal with on an almost daily basis:

These deskphones were returned in this condition:

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Snaked Liberty

I have no idea where i was going with this, but Merica!

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The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

One night a year, all crime - including murder - is legal for 12 hours. A man heads out into the chaos, intent on killing thugs as revenge for his son's death, but ends up rescuing a stranded couple.

The Cast:

A mother and daughter who find themselves targets
A husband and wife who are driving back home to tell people about their split
A lone wolf with an agenda

The Situation:

Three different stories, become one as  five people are forced to band together to try and survive purge night. 

Purge Night or "Commencement" as they call it in the film, is really just a night where the rich and the government set out to rid the world of the poor as a means of population control. What it does though, is allow chaos to reign supreme for about 12 hrs as people give in to their baser instincts. Faces are licked, fires are lit and everybody's shot!

Supposedly, Anarchy takes place during the same purge as the first. While the first one was a home invasion story, this one is more survival horror. Although it's a relatively different take (with completely different actors), the story is pretty coherent and straightforward enough to where there should be no problem following along: Bad guys are given permission to kill, while innocents must survive the night.



The people who are dragged out of their house are in a shitty situation, can't argue that, but for everyone else that is caught outside on Purge Night, why the fuck are you outside on Purge Night? Why the fuck are you even traveling on Purge Day? That's the type of illogical decison that turns me away from films like this. But then we wouldn't have films like this w/o characters who make illogical decisions. Anyway, besides that nonsense, The Purge: Anarchy was actually a pretty good film. While not the same genre, it is and was an improvement over the first. The cast is full of "where do I knew them from" talent and I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that there is some drama, but it is not hammy and actually handled well within the context of the film. There's also a surprise casting near the end who you'll be happy to see with a gun.

Side note: The most interesting thing about the Purge series is that there are no female hunters, just victims. It's like saying that women can't be bloodthirsty killers. I'm sure that will be addressed in a future sequel, but for now this'll do.

 
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Surprisingly, nudity is the only thing that's illegal on Purge night. 

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Here We Are...Born To Be Kings...

So. What's up?
What's up? What's up?

Been a while.

Not saying I'm back, but acknowledging my absence. Life changes has derailed my posting a bit, but I'm slowly finding the time to get back into it. I have a huge art project on the agenda, and I can barely watch a movie w/o thinking, "I want to write about this, so I'll watch it later." and then I don't watch it b/c I've been too lazy to write. But I plan on putting that stuff up soon.

Anyway, I'm still intending for this to be the everything blog and I've got more content, I just have to get around to posting it. 
 

You can find me on Twitter now @EatAtCrowes.

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