New Year's Evil (1980)

As a nationally televised new years eve celebration rocks on, the host gets an on-air call from a killer promising murder at the stroke of midnight.

Diane Sullivan, better known as Blaze to her fans, is a new wave DJ. Years of dedication to her job has caused her to neglect her husband and son, who have subsequently distanced themselves from her. On New Year's Eve, a killer stalks and aims to kill her. With the police being largely ineffective, she'll have no one to turn to if she intends to make it through the night.

5 minutes into her show, a dude calls in to claim he'll kill at the stroke of midnight in each (U.S.) time zone. Eventually the police figure out that he's headed towards her for his final kill and what follows is both a pretty funny killing spree, a rocking party and a surprisingly modest freak out as our host realizes her end is near.

New Year's Evil was okay. I wouldn't recommend it and I wouldn't watch it again, but it was okay. There's a lot of good music in this film though. This has to be one of the best soundtracks in a horror movie. 

Also, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention that the killer damn near pulled off the best kill of the century. How are you going to chain someone to the bottom of an elevator, raise it up (again with them underneath) then drop it? That's some sick shit, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling policemen!

Apart from that, I was actually kinda happy to see victim two die as she had a stupid high pitched voice with an accent. Victim three couldn't be bothered to get out of a car as it was being carjacked, instead choosing to protect her modesty and put her clothes back on. Luckily for her, a policeman showed up and saved her. But not before we got 'dem boobs.

Before this, I don't think I had seen a horror movie set on New Years. I figured why not watch this one? [Probably because this movie dropped in 1980, but that's neither here nor there. It's on the blog. Shit is real.]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Peek a boob.

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Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

This movie supposes that Santa is the son of Satan and was tricked into becoming benevolent and I can tell you honestly that If I didn't need an xmas movie for the blog I would have never bothered. But in the first five minutes it's a given that this will be a bad movie masterpiece. It stars Bill Goldberg as the Bad Santa and if he doesn't deliver at least one spear I will never forgive him or me for watching this shit.

The Cast:

• Goldberg (post taser)
• Teen boy - Nicholas
• Teen girl - Mary
• Artie (they let him out of the warehouse)
• Deebo
• Inept cops
• Grandpa

The Situation:

Goldberg is Santa and he's pissed. People will die. Yaks will be ridden.

As the demon rides near, one teen, his girlfriend and his grandfather must stop him before he destroys their town.

The Resolution:

 

Find a way to survive until the end of Xmas

Goldberg looks like he's having fun. That's important.

Stray Quotage:

"You got me a gun? I don't  want to seem ungrateful, but are you a fucking retard?"

"Ho. Ho. Ho's!" [walking into a strip club]

"We're trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to kill us. How fucked up is that?"

"What in God's name are you doing?
Well I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Santa's Slay is a very enjoyable bad movie by my standards. Bad acting, bad cgi, shitty music, explosive presents, Goldberg. This film has it all and what do we get 34 min into the movie? Spear! Spear! Spear! Yes It was a shitty version, but I'll take it. 

Again, if I didn't need the film, I wouldn't have bothered, but I'm actually glad I did. Dude really is a pretty brutal/efficient killer. and I'm all about the Evil Santas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Thankskilling 3 (2012)

Hot on the heels of surprise cult hit  Thankskilling, comes Thankskilling 3 with the return of Turkey, the serial killing Turkey. Thankskilling is not a movie you expect to be good. You know it's bad, beyond terrible even, but that's part of the charm. You're just going along for the ride.

 

The Cast:

Turkey
Uncle Donny
Yomi
Randa Space Worm
Muffy
The Pluckmaster 1 self plucking and roasting oven.

The Situation:

While sitting at home with his family, Turkey is watching the news when he hears the news that Thankskilling 2, was named the worst movie ever made and all copies except for one have been destroyed. Turkey sets out to get the final copy as he inserted bits of an ancient curse into it and that would cast everyone who watched it under his spell and cause them to die a horrible lonely death. 

The heroes, Uncle Donny, Yomi, Ronda Worm and Muffy discover the truth about the film and learn that the last copy must be destroyed in space in order to break his curse. Turkey would very much like to destroy humanity and attempts to kill everyone that gets in the way of his plans. 

The fate of the world is directly tied to the last remaining copy of Thankskilling 2 aka "In space, no one can hear you baste."

The Resolution: 

Turkey is defeated and the world is saved. The heroes get their happy ending, but Turkey can never be killed. 

(((((((())))))))))(((((((((()))))))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))

Thankskilling 3 lacks the charm of the first film. I feel that while it's enjoyable, the film drags and it's apparent that they tried to outdo their original. Hitting on some parts and wildly missing on others.

Besides being a bit longer than it needs to be, it's pretty much an excuse to be as ridiculous and as offensive as possible and only people who have liked the first could possibly like the second --and even then that goodwill may be stretched-- but it is so absolutely ridiculous that it becomes enjoyable.

Stray Quotage:

• Nice tits, bitch...in space!
• Your movie was worse than that toilet paper commercial that actually shows people wiping their asses.
• I'm not mean, I'm nasty.
• I got glaucoma. I've got a glock, you've got a coma. I can't see shit.

 For the record, there is not and never was a Thankskilling 2, but here's another Thankskilling 3 poster:

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? First Scene

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Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Four interwoven stories that occur on Halloween: An everyday high school principal has a secret life as a serial killer; a college virgin might have just met the one guy for her; a group of teenagers pull a mean prank; a woman who loathes the night has to contend with her holiday-obsessed husband.

 
I remember looking forward to this flick. I thought it was a new horror movie with a new type of villain. But I was disappointed. Trick 'r Treat is actually an anthology of four horror stories. Connecting each of them is that little sack-headed thing on the poster. Each story revolves around someone breaking a "Halloween rule" and being punished for it. It was decent for what it was. I expected different so I'm biased now. Fuck this film.

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity? No

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Saint Nick (2010)

 
(For context, what we call Christmas, is known as St. Nick's day in Amsterdam and it takes place on the 5th of December. It features a man with a long white beard and a red robe riding a white horse who as the myth goes, comes from Spain on a ship carrying gifts for the good children and takes the naughty ones back with him when he leaves.)


Amsterdam. December 5th, 1492.
A village is attacked/ransacked by a Bishop named Nicholas and his men. They rode in, slaughtered half of the town, put up a list of demands, and laughed their way back to the ship. The villagers, seeking retribution, launch a late night attack and burn him alive on his ship at sea.

December 5th 1968.
A family is shown at home, revelling in the season. The parents are doting and the children are singing carols while staying up waiting for a visit from St. Nicholas. As the oldest child steps out to check the livestock, he returns to find his family slaughtered and Saint Nick galloping away from his roof.

December 5th, Present day.


A class of young adults are exchanging gifts, mocking St. Nick and the holiday in general, believing it to be created for monetary gain. As the urban myth goes, once every 32 years, when there's a full moon on December 5th, Saint Nick and the Black Petes come to town to grab up kids and kill their families. Geort, the lone child survivor from the attack 40 years ago, is now a police officer who works to prove the existence of an evil St.Nick and destroy him. Predictably, no one believes his story, but that doesn't stop him from trying. He knows he's coming, so he prowls the city, Hunting. and it isn't too long before we get our first victims of the present day.

Surviving two of St. Nick's attacks, young teen Frank is rescued by Goert. Who scares off St. Nick and reveals that his goal is to completely destroy Amsterdam and fire is the only way to hurt him. He says that the curse can only be lifted if his boat is blown up at midnight and as Frank prepares to destroy St. Nicks boat, he is stopped by The Black Petes and the Danish Swat team. After all is said and done, he learns the true meaning of the holiday.


An evil Santa works as a movie monster. Quite frankly, who would believe that such a benevolent character is not only real, he's also a bloodthirsty maniac who only appears every 32 years? No one and anyone who does will just be labeled "senile" and will be immediately dismissed.
It's almost too perfect in a horror sense.

Okay, I'm getting carried away with the concept. The movie itself was actually decent. Pretty straightforward with minimal clunkiness. I was pleased with the overall presentation, but I thought that there could have been more attacks, just to show the brutality of Saint Nick...but less is more I guess.


Happy Holidays!

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Jack Frost (1995)

When his prison transport collides with a truck full of "genetic material," condemned serial killer Jack Frost is inexplicably transformed into a terrifying, murderous snowman. With a red plaid scarf, a carrot nose and a heart made out of coal, the icy madman sets his sights on a small rural town and goes on an old-fashioned killing spree.

Jack Frost was a prolific and deranged serial killer who managed to elude cops for 5 years across 11 states. On the night if his execution, he escapes custody but is covered in an acid which disfigures and dissolves his body. What it does next is fuse his cells with the snow he died upon, and he is reborn as a man of snow. He has not forgotten his history with Sheriff Sam Tyler (who arrested him), and since he vowed to Tyler and his family, he sets out to do just that. The site of his incident was not to far from where he was caught and now that he's free once again, he sets out to get his revenge. The sleepy town of Snowmonton County is holding their annual snowman contest. Unbeknownst to them, a killer snowman is coming for their Sheriff. And he intends to collect his prize...

Jack Frost is a holiday themed horror film about a killer snowman. I find that these are the types of films that you have to enjoy for what they are, Cheesy low budget films with absurd premises and (possibly) high entertainment value.

There's not much more ridiculous than watching a grown man wrestle a snowman in a pool of anti-freeze on the flatbed of a pickup truck.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Thankskilling (2009)

Thankskilling is a short and to the point drinking game movie. You know what, fuck that. This is the type of bad movie that you sit watch and drink with good friends and rebel in it's ridiculousness. In this cult classic and awesomely bad movie, a demonic turkey comes to life and kills motherfuckers dead.

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Pontypool (2008)

Valentine's Day is off to a bizarre start for a radio shock-jock when he runs into a crazed woman on his way to work -- and that's only the beginning. Soon, scores of other people in the small Ontario town of Pontypool start acting awfully odd.

Trapped inside a radio station, a late night dj and his crew report on what begins as an angry mob and devolves into the makings of a zombie attack. With reports from Ben, their man on the street, the tensions rise as we learn more about the mob and their actions. They look wild eyed and they seem to be eating people. Also they are all saying one word. Still in the dark, the terror hits home when one of their own is infected in the studio, yet a doctor appears and sheds light on the situation. His theory is that the virus is in words and it is spread when that word is spoken and understood. Thing is, it could be any word.


Pontypool definitely adds something new to the genre. A zombie tale that grips you solely via words, then transforms into a zombie tale where the virus is spread by words. The spoken word theme is constant throughout the film and it remains engaging.

Violence? One scene
Explosions? Off camera
Nudity? No

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Quick hits #7

Rapid Fire Reviews and thoughts on a few films in one post.

Featuring: 

The Ides of March, Public Enemies, 30 Minutes or Less, Harold & Kumar 3 and Margin Call

	Political thriller starring the small tough guy, Ryan Gosling, and the man who is essentially Hollywood's Resident President, George Clooney. This movie flat out sucked. Trailers made it seem like a political action thriller. it was more like a psychological thriller with big name stars just starting each other down to see who would blink first. This is unbelievable, Ryan. I just finish praising our new found friendship and you already want to test our boundaries? Sigh. Out of Ten? 5
	Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in this drama first gangster biopic about the life and crimes of John Dillinger. Action Was expected, drama was delivered. Much to my chagrin. A good movie, but not one I'll watch again. Out of 10? 6
	Jesse Eisenberg is a pizza boy who has 10hrs to rob a bank before the bomb strapped to his chest explodes. From the moment the bomb is armed, comedy ensues. I can't really describe the movie without giving too much away. This is just one of those that you'll have to watch. If it helps, Danny Mc Bride, Aziz Ansari, and Nick Swardson co-star. Out of Ten? 7
	Harold and Kumar is not for everyone. It is the third entry in the stoner comedy and If you have seen and liked the first two, you will enjoy H&K Christmas. NPH blatantly steals the show. It has to be said that the 3D was stupid and unnecessary, but it didn't take too much away from the film. Out of Ten? 8
	In this ensemble film (which loosely parallels the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the ensuing financial crisis), an analyst crunches some numbers and finds that the company is holding some toxic assets and once people find out, they won't be able to sell them and the company will tank taking a large part of the investment field with it. I'm not too big on banker movies. They bore me. This was no different until they finally revealed what the big hubbub was about. Even still? Meh. Out of 10? 5

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Easter Bunny, Kill Kill! - 2006

Remington, a murderous grifter cons his way into a mother's heart, putting on a fatherly facade to her cherished son, Nicholas. But the second she leaves for work, a torrent of abuse rains upon the gentle boy. Debauchery is at hand and Nicholas is nowhere to be found but someone wearing the mask of the beloved holiday hopper shows up ready to deliver a blood-splattered night of unspeakable carnage.

Autistic Donald Glover lives for easter. He loves the holiday and he loves the easter bunny most of all. The night before easter, he receives a rabbit which he believes to be the Easter Bunny. He doesn't like Remington, his mom's new boyfriend. Who is clearly a scumbag. In order to control ADG, Remington employs the useful but rarely seen "Do whatever I say or the bunny gets it" technique. After his mom leaves him with Remington for the night, the movie finally begins to pick up.

 

Can you tell them apart?

That dude Remington was in full scumbag mode. Complete with evil laughter. He basically sells ADG'S ass to his creepy child molesting friend while he takes off to score some hookers and blow. This movie takes forever to get to the killing, But once it does, shit gets real. As the creepy molester is looking for his "boy pussy" he is killed by a guy wearing a bunny mask. Bunny guy manages to kill two more people before Remington gets back with the hookers and the coke. One by one, the hookers are picked off until only Remington remains. He goes down of course, but definitely not in the way that I expected.
And the from nowhere, a double twist ending.

  

The rack on the chick that plays his mom is capital A-mazing of course she would fall a this douchestache.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Once

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Coopers' Christmas (2008)

Using a professional grade video camera, a dysfunctional family records their Christmas Day in 1985, which descends into total chaos.

The Daily Show's Jason Jones and Samantha Bee star in this found footage style low budget christmas comedy.

This movie has all the embarrassing xmas moments and it is set in 1985 which adds to the ridiculous of the flick. Awkward boners, pop culture flubs, vulgar moments. There's even cranky old people. And maybe because I watched it late at night, the funny was enhanced, but this was another flick that I found funnier than I expected.

Stay quotes:
-On a scale of 1-10, how drunk are you? Um...C-minus?
-Can Heather come? I want Heather to come. Well then, you gotta use your fingers, kid.

Classic.

Out of 10? Solid 6.5
Maybe I was in the Christmas spirit when I saw this, or maybe it just wasn't a bad movie.

Violence? Typical family reunion holiday violence
Explosions? Nope
Nudity? Nope
Blu-Ray/DVD?  Dvd if you must. I don't think I'd buy it, but I wouldn't be upset if I saw it in someone's collection.

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