American Muscle (2014)

 

I'm a sucker for a good revenge flick and this low budget, super cheesy film was definitely satisfying.

The plot can be summed up thusly:

John Falcon just got out of prison on a early release for a ten year bid. His mantra in prison, "you owe, you pay!" Has become a way of life and now that he's out, he is on a mission to insure that the people who put him there, repay their debt. 

Basically, some people fucked him over and now he's out to kill them. And apparently get pussy along the way as random women would gladly provide:

"Oh, you just got out of prison? Have some pussy."

"Stabbed in a knife fight? Here's some pussy."

"What? You like sunlight too? Boy, have I got some pussy for you."

It was crazy. I love a gratuitous nudity so I'm not complaining, but still I'm worried some impressionable youth might get the idea that gong to jail guarantees you pussy upon your release. (As opposed to being the pussy once you're in.)

Anyway, American Muscle had all that I want/look for in a, revenge flick. Blood, gore, titty, muscle cars, shitty dialogue...it really did have everything and I enjoyed it.
 

You won't, but you're not me.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence and nudity
Nudity? Yes

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Knights of Badassdom (2013)

 

Live-action role players conjure up a demon from Hell by mistake and they must deal with the consequences.

Knights of Badassdom is a dope ass horror comedy hybrid based around the concept of Live Action Role Playing and while the title is clunky as fuck, the film is put together well (and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.) You can tell that everyone actually enjoyed themselves while making the film and that showed. On top of that, blood, guts and metal really fleshed out the film.

I can't give it a 5 because of one particular scene, but personal grievances aside, it doesn't fit my criteria because I wouldn't buy it. I can see myself owning it, but I wouldn't walk into a store specifically looking for this film to purchase. It's still a rock solid film and I dug it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Rock!
Nudity? No

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Maximum Conviction (2012)

Sent to mothball an old prison, a former black ops operative and his partner have their hands full when mercenaries arrive seeking two female inmates.

On the night of a prison transport, a highly trained extraction team runs into the buzzsaw that is Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Jamaican Slayin', Russian Bustin', Police Officer known as Steven Segal.

In case you don't get it, let me break this down further: this flick has Stone Cold Steve Austin--The Second Baddest Man on the Planet --and his sole existence is to lead his team through the chaos and clear a path so that Segal can do his thing.

No bullshit, Maximum Conviction is one of the best popcorn flicks I've seen in quite sometime and I have no idea why I waited so long to watch it. Again, this is popcorn. You don't have to think, just sit back and enjoy. Everything that you expect from this flick is there, quips, one liners, shootouts and just when you thought it wouldn't happen, some mofo gets his arm irreparably broken.

Full disclosure, I'm giving it a three here and a four on Netflix. Nobody reads this blog or cares, but I'm fully aware of what the movie was and it's real value, and I am trying to keep some consistency on this site at least. Also, as far as Netflix it's concerned, I can never get enough of that Pudgy American Samurai.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Rampage: Capital Punishment (2014)

A man takes over a TV station and holds a number of hostages as a political platform to awaken humanity, instead of money.

The Cast:

• Little Bill Williamson
• Ted from Hey Dude
• The Best Damn News Team Ever
• Inept cops
• Civilian Canon fodder

The Situation:

3 years after the events of the first film, Bill Williamson has returned, this time taking control of a local news station in the next stage of his anarchist agenda. He basically wants to Purge the 1% and is imploring people to help him rid the world of the corrupt rich and save the world. 

Sandwiched in between is his slaughter if the 99% which basically amounts to population control.

The Resolution:

People are killed, stuff is blown up and the highly implausible adventures of Little Billy Williamson continue.

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Line of the film: "What I've done in the past and what I'm doing today, is because there is no gun control."

I can't decide I whether that line is funny or sad, but it rings true either way. 

You've probably never heard of either, but if you're in the mood for a popcorn flick that's just randomly destructive, look no further. The Rampage Series is what postal should have been, --someone going crazy and shooting things-- but it's better as it's own film. Specifically, what sets it apart are the high production values and the obscene amount of destruction caused by one man. In the first film, dude nearly layed waste to an entire town. Capital Punishment, though, is a lot more talky than the first but the story is roughly the same.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

 

I came across this flick browsing Netflix, and after reading the plot, I threw this one on immediately. It seemed like such an interesting concept. A woman with Alzheimer's may or may not be possessed and by the time everyone figures out what's going on. It may be too late.

The Taking of Deborah Logan starts off slow, but provides what may a decent depiction of life with Alzheimer's. Over the course of 60 days, a documentary film crew films a woman with the disease for a medical thing and above all else, It looks like it sucks both having and having to deal with someone who has it.

From day one, Deborah Logan seemed to be a pretty creepy old lady. The Alzheimer's didn't help her case and the eventual possession certainly didn't change my opinion. Her performance though is stellar. Pure talent.

Watching the footage, her the crew and her daughter begin to suspect there's something much more sinister taking hold of Deborah and their suspicions are confirmed once they find out she is linked to the disappearance of a local serial killer. As things get crazier, some of the most real talk ever is put to film as the cameramen basically put their feet down, ask for double pay and eventually walk the fuck away while the daughter resigns herself to alcoholism, and medical officials try to figure out just what is going on.

Because they spend so much time creating the tense atmosphere, it feels a bit longer than it is. Don't let that turn you away. It's still a solid movie and although I wasn't too happy with the direction the film took in the second act, (the logic of the possession) it managed to pull itself together to end the film decently.

Line of the film (non-spoiler):

"Fucking white people and their attics and basements." 

 

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Of creepy shit
Nudity? Surprisingly,  but titty is titty.

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Maniac (2014)

As he helps a young artist with her upcoming exhibition, the owner of a mannequin shop's deadly, suppressed desires come to the surface.

The Cast:

• Stupid hobbit
• His killin knife
• Knife Fodder
• The entire inanimate cast of Mannequin 
• Hot blonde with shitty accent
  

Maniac, is a surprisingly good and mildly disturbing movie. Shot from the pov of a serial killer, his face is barely seen  outside of when he's looking in a mirror and ALL this dude does, is kill chicks and take scalps, like a righteous Inglorious Basterd.

He becomes obsessed with one female and tries to prove to her that they are perfect together. When that inevitably fails, he pulls out his knife and gets to work. 

Am I allowed to say that I am digging the post Frodo, Elijah Wood? He has fully tapped into his awkwardness. Dude has been awkward since Flipper, yet 30 years later he's finally accepted it and we're all better for it.

Anyway, if you are browsing Netflix and come across Maniac, give it a watch. Very few films I know of have been from the literal pov of the serial killer and I can say that very few are as entertaining.

 

Violence? Yes.
Explosions? Of knife work
Nudity? Yes. That happened.

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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The Haunting of Helena (2012)

 

Soon after Sophia's young daughter loses her first tooth, a visit from "the tooth fairy" turns into a gory nightmare that won't stop.

Stop. Stop. You had me at gory.

The Cast:

• Creepy Kid
• Oblivious Adults
• The Tooth Fairy
• Benito Mussolini

The Situation:

A recently separated woman finds an apartment for her and daughter to live in and start fresh. Unbeknownst to her, their home was the site of a grisly domestic attack many years ago and since then, the woman haunts the place looking for her teeth, which were removed in the attack.

When Helena loses her first tooth and places out under the pillow, it awakens a supernatural force that sets its sights on her and kills anyone who tries to take her away.

*******************

I'm actually a fan of Tooth Fairy lore. The very idea that someone creepily enters your house while sleeping and leaves you money for your teeth? That's pretty fucking creepy and when done right, it makes for some pretty interesting stories. (I.e. Darkness Falls and the first and second acts of The Haunting of Helena.)

Helena is actually kinda decent and quickly goes from 0-60 after the titular(heh) character loses her first tooth. How so? Well, the very next day her mother is called to school because she's been buying other children's teeth with money the tooth fairy has given her to do so. WWII era money. Crazy, right? Why was this not given more attention?  Because Helena is a child and everyone instantly dismisses everything she says and does as child stuff.

Movies like this annoy me. If the kid tells you that shit has gotten real and you're a witness to shit getting real, why not put 100% faith in the kid going forward? Clearly they aren't lying! That's like the one of the dumbest tropes in horror flicks.
 

If I have a kid, and something like this happens, I'm either believing every word they say, or I'm putting them down. Better safe than sorry I always say.

On the other end of the spectrum, her mother wears Uggs and clearly deserves all that happens to her.

/rant

Again, that nonsense aside, it's a decent little film with a few scares and a solid premise. The visuals are pretty good and the story does just enough to keep you watching until the end.  After that? Well, it'd be too late to do anything about it. Unless you're a blogger. Aww who am I kidding?  no one reads this crap.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dead End (2003)

Deadly Consequences arise when Frank and his wife opt for an unfamiliar ride through the first and stop to pick up a mysterious hitchhiker.

 

A clearly disgruntled family is driving down the road on a trip to a relative's house for Xmas. It's the type of trip where you stay on the same road and the car never runs out of gas, so needless to say,  everyone is edgy and tense and ready to get stabby. Along the way, the father inexplicably picks up a hitchhiker and stops at a barn filled with all types of blunt, sharp and stabby weapons. Mildly subverting the genre, that barn actually does not come into play other than being a landmark of sorts for later events.

Well, how do they die then? I wish I could tell you, but they all died off screen as if this was some PG-13 wank fest. Even the few who died on screen were pretty tame.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy Ray Wise, even he couldn't save this movie. The ending alone cost it a few stars and yes, while it ended the only way it could, that doesn't changed that it sucked. 

Hitchhiking Pro-tips:

• If you should ever find yourself driving down a road, possibly lost, do not stop to pick up any hitchhikers. 
• Do not stop for shit left in the middle of the road. 
• Do not ever get out of the car and I shouldn't have to tell you this, but do not let your only daughter walk down the road by herself especially when you have no earthly idea where you are.

 

Violence? Yes. Maybe. Idk was off-screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Sacrament

 

The Cast:

• A Vice Documentary film crew
• A cult
• Father

The Situation: 

After receiving a mysterious letter from his estranged sister, a vice journalist agrees to bring a crew with him as he attempts to reunite with her at a religious commune on another continent. 

Eden Parish upon first glance seems to be Heaven on Earth for its inhabitants. Father has made it possible and preaches peace and family. With the arrival of the outsiders, however, their tranquility is shaken and the journalists learn that there is a lot more to this church group than they originally thought.

The Resolution:

Have you ever heard of Jonestown? Now picture that story, but from their point of view.

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The Sacrament is unnerving. Not because of traditional scares or general horror film bullshit, but because this is the type of shit that actually happens. From the moment they told the story of the letter, you knew something wasn't right, but the tension would be continuously built until that damn burst, and shit got real. And the worst of it is realizing that this shit has, does, and somehow will continue to happen. 

I don't want to spoil it for you or worse, hype it up, but The Sacrament is the type of film you watch and then you don't want to deal with anything else. I finished it, then said, "I- I just want to go to bed," and seriously just went to bed after. It was 3pm!  Smh. 

Outside of mine, this film has nothing but negative reviews. I liked it. Wouldn't watch it again, but it was genuinely fucked up and worth at least one watch if you're into fucked up movies.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Christ love
Nudity? No

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Haunt (2013)

An introvert teen befriends his new neighbor, and together the couple begin to explore the haunted house that his family has just purchased.

 

The Cast:

• Horny teens
• Skeptical family
• Crazy former resident
• Malevolent force

The Situation:

A family moves into a home where several members of the previous family were found dead in separate incidents. The house is established as being pretty fucking creepy, but that's quickly ignored by the new tenants who of course, see it as a fresh start.
At some point in the film, their teenage finds himself seduced by the neighbor's vagina, learns she's being abused and decides to save a ho. Together they discover what appears to be a device that allows them to communicate with the dead and since there wasn't a Ouija board available, they use that.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

The Resolution:

There is none. People die. The Malevolent spirit lives and the cycle starts anew.

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Outside of hitting at the standard horror bs, I really couldn't determine where they were going or trying to go with this film. I was super confused by the end and the worst part is, I barely remember why I was confused. Which makes me madder. 

The best part of the film was the first exchange between the teens after they contact the dead, where the male character practically states, "It fucking worked. It wasn't supposed to work. It's never supposed to work. I don't want any part of this. I'm out." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Only of boredom and stupidity
Nudity? No

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Asian Schoolgirls

Violence and mayhem ensue after four school girls stumble upon an underground night club.

The Cast: 

• Asian Schoolgirls
• Rapists
• Hired Goons

The Situation:

Four schoolmates obtain fake ID'S and head out for a night on the town. As events unfold, they find themselves  drugged, raped and abandoned by the side of the road. After one of the girls commits Seppuku due to shaming her famiry, the three remaining friends set out to find their attackers and bring them to justice.

Their first order of business is to acquire weapons, and their second is to track down the guys. In order to kill birds with stones, they've decided to take on jobs as strippers, both to earn the money, keep tabs on the bad guys and also to provide us with that oh so gratuitous nudity. 

After a "quick" fight training/stripping montage where we see the girls acquire the skills to kill and pay the bills, we dive head first into the revenge story as the girls spot their attackers in the club and start their bloody path to the boss.

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Asian Schoolgirls was a better movie than I expected in general (because of all the nakedness) and took a quick turn into decent film territory once they started offing bad guys. I also feel like this movie world have worked better with "adults" as opposed to "teens" but eh. It would have been the same movie. Just minus the schoolgirl aspect, which was apparently very crucial to the plot. Which was clearly just to provide fap material for all of the male viewers. 

Speaking of which, you can't deny the film's sexiness (or attempts at such depending on which side you lean), what with their Asians and their tattoos and the stripper scenes and such, but outside of that? Eh. It's your typical girls are wronged and take up and to get revenge film. It plays like a white dude's elaborate excuse to see naked asskicking Asian Schoolgirls though. Not that I'm complaining. 

There's even a montage that combines stripping with learning how to fight and use their weapons. This movie was about a foot fetish away from hitting all the mainstream fetishes and although the film is unrated, I did not think there'd be nudity. Was genuinely surprised, but not really. Again, the whole film is a fetish flick.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? In pants
Nudity? Yes

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The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

One night a year, all crime - including murder - is legal for 12 hours. A man heads out into the chaos, intent on killing thugs as revenge for his son's death, but ends up rescuing a stranded couple.

The Cast:

A mother and daughter who find themselves targets
A husband and wife who are driving back home to tell people about their split
A lone wolf with an agenda

The Situation:

Three different stories, become one as  five people are forced to band together to try and survive purge night. 

Purge Night or "Commencement" as they call it in the film, is really just a night where the rich and the government set out to rid the world of the poor as a means of population control. What it does though, is allow chaos to reign supreme for about 12 hrs as people give in to their baser instincts. Faces are licked, fires are lit and everybody's shot!

Supposedly, Anarchy takes place during the same purge as the first. While the first one was a home invasion story, this one is more survival horror. Although it's a relatively different take (with completely different actors), the story is pretty coherent and straightforward enough to where there should be no problem following along: Bad guys are given permission to kill, while innocents must survive the night.



The people who are dragged out of their house are in a shitty situation, can't argue that, but for everyone else that is caught outside on Purge Night, why the fuck are you outside on Purge Night? Why the fuck are you even traveling on Purge Day? That's the type of illogical decison that turns me away from films like this. But then we wouldn't have films like this w/o characters who make illogical decisions. Anyway, besides that nonsense, The Purge: Anarchy was actually a pretty good film. While not the same genre, it is and was an improvement over the first. The cast is full of "where do I knew them from" talent and I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that there is some drama, but it is not hammy and actually handled well within the context of the film. There's also a surprise casting near the end who you'll be happy to see with a gun.

Side note: The most interesting thing about the Purge series is that there are no female hunters, just victims. It's like saying that women can't be bloodthirsty killers. I'm sure that will be addressed in a future sequel, but for now this'll do.

 
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Surprisingly, nudity is the only thing that's illegal on Purge night. 

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Black Rock (2012)

Three women's vacation on a remote island turns into a nightmare when they realize a sinister neighbor doesn't appreciate their presence.

The Cast: 

• Abby, Lou & Sarah - Three former bffs who are trying to rekindle their friendship with a relaxing weekend in the woods.
• Henry, Derek & Alex - Three men from the nearby town, who's animal hunt turns into a hunt for vagina

 
The Situation: 

After making friends and mingling, one of the women "accidentally" kills one of the men when he decides it's time for the raping. This act triggers the PTSD in the other two guys, who are former war vets, and they decide get revenge...with their guns.

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Katie Aselton, (due to her work in The League), is one of my favorite actresses, and I practically jumped at this film when I saw that not only was she in it, she directed it as well. Much to my surprise though, she is also credited with writing the story. Shit I think she was the casting director too, as there's a part where both she and Lake Bell end up Butt-Ass Nekkid and knowing Katie, she probably only added that scene and cast Lake Bell in that role so that we can see Lake Bell's fantastic rack. God Bless Katie Aselton. The only real dark spot on this tale however, is Kate Bosworth. From where did they dig her up? Kate Bosworth hasn't been relevant since Blue Crush and honestly, calling her relevant at all is pretty fucking generous on my part.

Outside of that, Black Rock is decent. Simply decent and nothing more. A popcorn thriller starring three feuding ladies who find themselves in a bind and are forced to come together to deal with a deadly threat. It could have probably been a bit better than it was, but it wasn't terrible, (as far as films like these go.)

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Alone With Her (2006)

A coffee shop waitress has a secret admirer who's been filming her with surveillance equipment, first from afar and then at much closer range.

The Cast: 

• Amy - Our heroine. Secretly watched masturbation bait.
• Doug - His name may not be real but his hidden cameras are.
• Jen -Snowflake Bff. Sniffs out the ruse and gets snuffed out for her troubles

The Situation: 

After falling for a woman who he feels is perfect for him, Doug quickly begins to become obsessed. What starts off as harmless infatuation, becomes darker as he uses hidden cameras to learn her inner most secrets and desires with plans to use them to win her over. Because she should love him. Because they are perfect for each other! Why won't she love him?!!!!

Alone with her is a voyeuristic thriller starring the foxy Ana Claudia Talancon, and the perfect casting choice of Colin Hanks as her creepy stalker. It isn't the greatest movie ever, far from it, but it is decently entertaining (until the third act at least) and she was kind enough to grace us with full frontal (a few times).

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't truly interested in thrillers and low budget films like these. It is an interesting and for the most part original concept, but it really isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes
.

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Would You Rather (2013)

Based on the best selling board game, Do you Rather takes a new sadistic approach to a beloved ice breaking/drinking game. Led by Brittany Snow, Sasha Grey and the Crab Man from my Name is Earl, a group a people are gathered to a dinner party that asks the question, which would you rather do?

A rich man likes to play games with plebeians. On this night, he has invited 8 people to his place for dinner and game night for a chance to win his financial assistance with their hardships. Everyone who shows up is in a situation where they need money. Before the game starts he leads in with a game I like to call, "How much money would it take you to do whatever it is you wouldn't do if you weren't offered money to do it."

Now, while that scene sets the mood, it is also a pretty funny lead into the main story of the film. He explains that his version of Would You Rather, it is essentially a psychological experiment to determine which of them he will help. The one caveat being, whatever they choose, they must act upon or they will be eliminated from the game. He gives them all a final chance to get out, and no one takes him up on it. They instantly regretted it once those bull nuts came out.

Would You Rather is actually kinda funny in a dark and twisted sort of way. Maybe I'm just fucked, but I enjoyed it a bit more than I anticipated. The guy that plays the rich dude is hilarious. Dialogue, mannerisms, speech pattern, dude is good. I didn't realize how much I missed the Crabman, until I saw him again in this film. I was thrilled to see his fro is still intact. Sasha Grey though. Smh. Sasha Grey still can't act or emote, but this is the liveliest I've seen her without being penetrated first. So, there may be hope for her yet.

Overall though, I enjoyed it. So 3, yes, count'em, three, stars will be awarded.

Line of the Film:  "I'm sorry, you're gonna just have to take one for the team." 

That line is always funny, both in and out of context.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Texas Chainsaw (2013)

A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.

The Cast:

• Disposable Teens
• Rowdy Rednecks
• Black Sherriff (Thank you, Cleavon!)
• Leatherface

The Story:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the only horror movie franchise that continually reboots itself.

In this version, the events of that past have indeed happened, but we follow a new group of teens who "inadvertently" stumble upon Leatherface and his chainsaw.

This one starts at the immediate conclusion of the 70s version, covering the events following the girl's escape.

The police and a lynch mob show up demanding the surrender of Leatherface. When his family refuses to give him up, a shootout occurs and the house is burned down. This was known as "08/19" and the only survivor was a baby girl.

20 years later, she gets a letter stating that her grandmother has died and discovers that she was adopted and taken from the old Sawyer home after the incident in Texas. Since her foster parents are dicks, she decides to go and figure out her roots. Her friends decide to go with her because friendship. They soon discover Leatherface and his not so secret agenda to kill everyone involved in the August 19th incident. In addition, the mayor, who set up the events of that day, seeks to kill her as well, since she's a Sawyer and they are all no good trash.

 -----------------------------------------------------

Texas Chainsaw is an interesting twist on the standard reboot/remake formula. It's actually more of a hybrid sequel remake that attempts to finish the original and create a new vision for the franchise. I feel like It's a very interesting twist and preposition, but honestly not one that I care for. On the other hand, though, I guess I'd rather have this switch than the one where we get the why he does what he does humanizing story.

 

Here's a list of stupid decisions that a few of the characters make (or have to make, in favor of advancing the plot):

1. Not checking the historical records of the town before moving into a house you've mysteriously inherited
2. Leaving the stranger you've hit with the car, in the house you've just inherited that's also full of valuables
3. Leaving him with the master keys
4. Finding and exploring a secret room
5. Banging on a large metal door in that hidden room
6. Calling out to Letherface (x2)
7.  Trying to ram an iron automatic security gate as if it was a chain link fence
8. Stopping the car after "escaping"
9. Running into a fair and trying to escape via Ferris Wheel [Dude seriously just walked to the other side and waited for her to come back down]
10. Exploring the scene of multiple grisly murders solo b/c you have a big gun.
11. Leaving someone alone in an interrogation room with a box full of secret/confidential evidence of your previous dastardly deeds
12. Bringing a crowbar to a chainsaw fight
13. Reading a letter at the end of the film that you were begged to read at the beginning, which could have prevented just about every event in the film.

 

Leatherface for what it's worth, shows up quite early, (which is a treat) and he's about as brutal as he's ever been. Here is my gripe though, essentially, they've created a movie where for all the sick shit that Leatherface and the Sawyer family has done, they are the sympathetic heroes of the entire franchise. Does that make sense to anyone? Is Leatherface is a good guy now? This is some bullshit. Humanizing an unsympathetic monster and his family is a sucker move.

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Of Chainsaw violence

Nudity? No

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Sweetwater (2014)

  

A Pioneer woman is forced to fight for what's hers when her husband disappears and a calculating preacher makes a play for her land.

 

The Cast:

• Sadistic PreacherMan - Mr. Josiah
• Capable Sheriff Hobo - Ed Harris 
• Widowed Whore aka Sweetwater - January Jones
• Unscrupulous Bankerman - Stephen Root

Quick Synopsis:

There's a preacher who believes the land is g God's land and he intends to purge it of sin, purify it, and restore it to the way he believes God intended. These are the types of people who are more than willing to kill to achieve their goals and Mr. Josiah is no different. The major conflict starts when the preacher refuses to build a fence to keep his sheep in and Sweetwater's husband, Miguel, confronts him about it. 

In addition to Miguel's disappearance, Josiah is questioned by Sheriff Hobo about two other missing people who Josiah referred to as trespassers when he gunned them down. Not long after, he makes a play for  Sweetwater's land, offering to convert her and her land to the church, forcefully if necessary. This sets the three on a collision course as they head to a bloody climax that will settle their issues once and for all.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sweetwater is just about the slowest of the slow burn revenge thriller westerns. I was expecting a legit shoot'em up western. I thought it would be something like The Quick and The Dead, but plot and character development got in the way. Seriously, she finally starts her revenge with about 35 minutes left in the film. Although she puts in work, 35 min is not really enough time for killin'. 

What I did find funny though, was that back then women were really thought of as different people. "Here, take this to protect your feminine skin." Absolutely ridiculous, yet hilarious. Another thing was that a very public peep hole masturbation scene proved that there really were no rules in the west

I liked Stephen Root (dude is awesome. Google him, you know who he is) and I'm a fan of Ed Harris, who hasn't gotten enough credit for a lot of the stuff that he's done (Post The Rock). He was pretty damn good as the unique but not queer, county Sheriff.

 Overall though, it was not as good as and as action packed as I thought it'd be:

Violence?  Yes
Explosions?  Of subdued violence
Nudity? Yes

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Only God Forgives (2013)

 

When a cop kills the brother of a British gangster who runs a Bangkok fight club, his crime-boss mother flies in from London to supervise revenge.

 

The Cast:

Ryan Gosling/ Julian
Billy the bro aka Sir DB
Police Chief Chops-A-Lot aka Samurai Cop
Mama (Te quiero, Mamaaaaa!!!!!)
Mai, hot Thai stripper chick.

The Situation: 

Billy and Julian, run a fight club type of operation in Bangkok. Thai men fight, people wager on the outcome and occasionally drugs are passed through.

Billy is a scumbag and he actually deserved to be killed. Raping and killing prostitutes, drinking, beating women and cruising the streets for 14yr old tang? Yep, that's no way to gain sympathy as a character. Julian tracks down his killer and accepts his death as justified. His mother on the other hand, isn't so easily pacified, and she sets off a chain of events and pits the family against the hard edged chief of police, samurai cop who isn't afraid to go above the law and get his hands dirty to stop crime. 

The basic premise behind Only God Forgives is "an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," but with Julian caught in the middle of the chaos. Yes his brother was killed and yes he should want  revenge, but the killing was sort of justified. His mother, on the other hand, wants swift and brutal revenge, not caring that she's up against a samurai cop who is will bring her family nothing but ruin for crossing his path.

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Now I've...had...the time of my liiifffee......

With the exception of The Ides of March, I'd say that Ryan Gosling has been attempting to make the most of his anti hero persona developed in Drive. This film though, doesn't much to help.  He's just in it to look pretty and collect a paycheck. Dude barely talks and except for one scene where he fights (and loses) he doesn't really do shit but look mopey for the entire film. Aside from all of that, it's deliberately slow, painful, and includes a lot of long stares and silence. Tension is supposed to be being built but nothing is really happening other than Karaoke. (Asians sure do like their karaoke)
 

Only God Forgives is like an art house picture film. Like it's trying to be something more than it is. Also, it's a strange movie, Everyone moves like robots. It's weird. Do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Dopest part of this movie is that poster. Which has already been made into a shirt, here

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of slow paced, well plotted violence
Nudity? Yes? No? Idk. They'd have to throw in a lot of titty to salvage this film.

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+1 (2013)

I had wanted to see this movie ever since I came across It's trailer a few months back. The plot intriguing and I'm curious to see where it goes.

The Cast:

• David
• Jill
• Teddy
• Allison

The Situation:

On the night of a huge party, an object crash lands from space and begins to cause electrical outages in the town.

After the latest outage during the party, a group of friends discover what appear to be clones of themselves and they set out to figure out exactly what has happened. What they learn is that the clones are exact copies of them from an earlier point in day and with each blackout, the clones get closer to real time.

As the night goes on, group one decides to take the other down as a means to survival.

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+1 is actually pretty good. The first 30 min are basically like Project X but with an additional romantic subplot. Overall though, it could be better, but it it's definitely pretty good for what it was. I'm not a fan of the ending but it really couldn't end in any other way considering the story that was put forth.

Sidenote: In the craziest night with a wild party AND clones, one dude is hell bent on reclaiming his lost love and his friend Allison seems to only want to fuck herself. Pfft, white people parties are crazy. Seriously. At one point, these mofos lit a tennis ball on fire and started playing with it around the living room.

Anyway, here's the RED BAND trailer: 

Violence? Eventually
Explosions? No
Nudity? Fuck and Yes.

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