Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Sector 7 (2011)

While searching for valuable petroleum deposits off the coast of Korea, an oil riff crew encounters a terrifying sea monster.

Not much goes down until the monster shows. Just a bunch of Koreans living on an oil ship, waiting to strike gold. A lot of the early stuff is just to establish characters and character relations, but it drags.

Having not found oil, They are ready to abandon the mission but resident tomboy and resident hardass, Cha Hae-Jun, stubbornly refuses to quit and actually manages to get a few more months tacked onto the project.

Things start to pick up after one of the crew members dies of an apparent suicide. Hae-Jun gets an uneasy feeling and begins to search the ship. Something leaps out of a cabinet and makes its way through the ship. Killing at random.

[Funny thing is, if she had allowed them to abort the mission, they wouldn't have ever faced the monster. They would have lived awesome stress free lives. But they stayed and you know what eventually revealed itself. Ah Well.] One of the crew survives an attack and alerts them to the fact that there's a monster on the ship. In the middle of a storm that seems to have knocked out their power, the remaining crew have no choice but to seek out and destroy the monster if they aim to live.

This monster looks like something out of Resident Evil

What we know (about this monster)

• It's a product of bad CGI
• It's sea based
• It has a whip like and barbed tongue
• It's blood is flammable but fire pisses it off.
• It can climb walls
• Super thick skin
• It may or may not be attracted to oil
• Although it was found in underwater, it was bred in a lab.

 

Sector 7 is a decent movie,  It's a popcorn flick. Something to throw on and watch when there's no other options. It's entertaining, but I'm really not a fan of the monster. It just looks wrong. And crappy.

I like sea monsters, but If I should ever run into one, you best believe I'm gonna make sure I'm carrying about tree fiddy

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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It Waits (2006)

A vengeful beast of legend had been sealed deep within a cave for more than one thousand years. Nearby in a remote forest outpost, young ranger Danielle St. Clair is struggling to confront dark demons of her own.

1. I watched this film for two reasons: I wanted to know what "It" was. And then, was "it" really worth the wait?
2. Whoa??? Are those Actual Indians??? In my Horror movie?
3. Aaannnnd they're gone.
4. They broke down the walls of a cave and explored the ruins. The pictures depicted a beast killing folk. Then he showed up to kill them. The absolutely stupid thing is that the warning was written on the wall inside the sealed cave and they had to get inside to see that warning. Pfft. Natives.
5. A forest ranger sits on the floor drunk, crying, listening to Sarah McLaughlin and being chided by her parrot. Her BFF was killed in a drunken car accident and she's been a wreck ever since. Unfortunately for her, she loses any real sympathy when it is revealed that the cause was drunk driving.
6. She hears a noise at night and goes to check it out. What she finds are huge scratches on the supply shed.
7. Talking with her friend/coworker, she says that she feels a darkness is coming and she may not be able to stop it. (Hey baby, how about you foreshadow those tits?)
8. He tries to tell her that is just survivors guilt but the foreshadowing is just too strong and refuses to be denied. (Unlike dem titties!) 
9. He spends the night and she reveals her deepest darkest secret. He was promptly rewarded with sex (set to country music) for being so cool/supportive. Fellas, there's a lesson here...
10. The Monster appears on the roof and sets off their alarm. He then tears up their satellite and flips a jeep just cuz. Luckily for forest ranger M, he waited until they were done. The Lesson here? Not even 1,000 yr old Native American cave monsters want to be cockblocks.
11. They decide to take turns watching the door waiting for it to strike again. In the morning they manage to escape and head to another location to radio for help. (It was a long night. But at least they got one in.)
12. In the forest, they come across a couple who are lost and too prideful to allow the rangers to help. They are very easily dispatched by the Monster.
13. Male forest ranger buries the bodies and tells her that it may be the same guy that killed those injuns. He convinces her that splitting up is their best course of action and he gets a slow motion walkaway. You know what that means...
14. ...So after he's killed, the Monster goes after Danielle who's now at the tower, solo. She survives, but finds Ranger M's head and shoulders at the shed.
15. After she buries him, she goes on the offensive...by dumping out cans and cans of fruit cocktail, which are supposed to be a crude early detection system. I hope. Or maybe she picked now to express her disdain for fruit cocktail.
16. She manages to fire off a few shots and in the morning, follows it's blood trail to the cave it escaped from. Somehow improbably, one of the Indians survived and explains to her the Monster's myth and history. He says it is drawn to negativity. She of course blows him off, but he insists she cast aside her logical mind, and believe. He gives her the full story and tells her to read it and he'll join her at the tower tomorrow.
17. This is what we know of the Monster: He's Indian, mythological, hunts negative energy, doesn't like water or fire and he's also like a cat that likes to toy with it's prey before killing it. Also, he can fly. 
    
18. She tries to make her escape during the rain but is confronted by the Monster who takes one good look at dem titties, and decides against it (It does sprout wings as a sign of an erection though) and flies off.
19. She manages to trap it in a cave and that also doubles as a metaphor for sealing up her personal demons as well.

Eye roll...

Buried in a cave is where I want to put the memory of watching this crap. Better yet, let's end this with an overly pretentious one liner:

Overall, It Waits was not worth the wait nor its weight as a film. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No. They wouldn't even give us that. SMH.

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Creature (2011)

In the back country of Louisiana, a group of friends unearth a terrible secret that unleashes a monster from the depths of the swamp.

A group of friends take a trip to the bayou for some Mardi Gras action. At a rest stop, Sid Haig makes an appearance and they are distracted by the tale of Grimley, a local urban legend. Grimley, through a combination of loss, rage and movie magic becomes a human-gator hybrid who prowls the swamps by his cabin, looking for brides as its sole purpose is to increase it's bloodline. With their curiosity piqued, the kids decide to take a detour and head towards his home. Once there, they discover that Grimley is treated as a God, and the townsfolk will do everything in their power to keep him sated end insure the prosperity of their town.

Creature is not a terrible movie. There's full frontal within the first minute, there's blood and gore, and I'm always happy to see Sid Haig as he's one of my favorites. The creature itself, is a marvel of special effects/makeup design. It looks amazing. And to highlight that it is still half human, it has public hair. Classic!

Pubic hair not shown. Mercifully.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Feast - 2005

In a remote bar, a newcomer advises the customers to seal the place up, as hungry monsters will soon attack them. The customers must quickly organize a strategy to defend themselves from the deadly creatures.

Feast is a survival horror flick directed by the winners of the very last season of Project Greenlight. The movie is survival horror/action, with a few people visiting a bar in the desert who are forced to cooperate to survive when blood-thirsty monsters attack.

From the very beginning, Feast plays on your perception of horror flicks. When you think you know what to expect, you will definitely receive something different. Neither the monsters nor the survivors are given back-stories,  only title cards, if any, and that works as the movie puts you right in the action immediately.

As with most horror flicks, there is some comedy to lighten the mood, but sometimes its used to set up the next kill. Either way it works. The fun of the movie is in the different personalities forced to work together to survive.

Overall, feast is a lot of fun. Its gory, its funny, and it doesn't give you the same old formula. It has also spawned two sequels (which were entertaining, but totally fell off the tracks, totally.) and won a few independent awards on its own. Watch alone, then watch with friends because they might pick up on something you've missed.

I feel like the trailer gives away a bit too much, but at the least, it will give you a better idea of your interest level in the film:

I came in with low expectations, and left thrilled. It's a solid film with a few flaws, but those are easily overlooked.

Violence? Yes. Gratuitous horror movie violence. The monsters are vicious and everyone is a victim.
Explosions? Nope.
Nudity? Nope. But you won't miss it.

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The BBC

BBC programs have been some of the better produced and higher quality shows in existence. Foreign entertainment in general, may be an acquired taste for some, but believe me when I tell you that there is some really good stuff overseas.

American Television has a way of stealing the works from other countries. Knowing that, I figure maybe you'll like the originals better. To that end, I've put together a small list of a few BBC shows that I've really enjoyed. Idk whether or not you're interested in things made outside of the States, but you should give these shows a chance.

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Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - 2011

A young girl sent to live with her father and his new girlfriend discovers creatures in her new home who want to claim her as one of their own.

 Check the trailer:

If I had watched this trailer, I might have know what I was walking into

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Troll Hunter - 2011

A group of students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

In Norway, A troll hunter works in secret with the cooperation of the government to hunt and eliminate wild trolls. In order to keep people in the dark, the attacks are disguised as bear attacks and other wild animals.
After many years, he is tired of his job and he allows a young crew to film him as he goes on his last hunt.

Along the way they learn about the existence of trolls and the government conspiracy to cover it up. [Idk if this has a place here, but The trolls can smell Christians. No idea where they were trying to go with that, but I found it funny. - Ed.] By the end of the film, there's a tongue n cheek admission, that trolls do in fact exist, but of course the overall truth is silenced.

You know something, Troll Hunter isn't that good. Yes it starts slow, yes it is humorous and yes the action does pick up, but it bored me. I don't know what to make of this film. I fell asleep twice before I finally got through the whole thing and when I did, I didn't feel like I missed much of anything.

Out of 10? 6.5

I don't get the hype behind the film.

Violence? Yes. Troll violence.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No.

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