New Year's Evil (1980)

As a nationally televised new years eve celebration rocks on, the host gets an on-air call from a killer promising murder at the stroke of midnight.

Diane Sullivan, better known as Blaze to her fans, is a new wave DJ. Years of dedication to her job has caused her to neglect her husband and son, who have subsequently distanced themselves from her. On New Year's Eve, a killer stalks and aims to kill her. With the police being largely ineffective, she'll have no one to turn to if she intends to make it through the night.

5 minutes into her show, a dude calls in to claim he'll kill at the stroke of midnight in each (U.S.) time zone. Eventually the police figure out that he's headed towards her for his final kill and what follows is both a pretty funny killing spree, a rocking party and a surprisingly modest freak out as our host realizes her end is near.

New Year's Evil was okay. I wouldn't recommend it and I wouldn't watch it again, but it was okay. There's a lot of good music in this film though. This has to be one of the best soundtracks in a horror movie. 

Also, I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't mention that the killer damn near pulled off the best kill of the century. How are you going to chain someone to the bottom of an elevator, raise it up (again with them underneath) then drop it? That's some sick shit, and he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling policemen!

Apart from that, I was actually kinda happy to see victim two die as she had a stupid high pitched voice with an accent. Victim three couldn't be bothered to get out of a car as it was being carjacked, instead choosing to protect her modesty and put her clothes back on. Luckily for her, a policeman showed up and saved her. But not before we got 'dem boobs.

Before this, I don't think I had seen a horror movie set on New Years. I figured why not watch this one? [Probably because this movie dropped in 1980, but that's neither here nor there. It's on the blog. Shit is real.]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Peek a boob.

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Frogs (1972)

** Killer Frogs are #4 on the Most Wanted Killer Animal List***

When a millionaire who kills any animal that moves on his island estate refuses to mend his ways, the swamp critters mete out some amphibian justice.

Pickett Smith is nearly killed by Clint and his sister Karen during a day out on the river. They take him to their grandfather's island to dry off and invite him to their family's picnic to atone. The old man, Jason, is very impatient and is looking for a way to get rid of the frogs as they have seemingly infested his island and have become a nuisance to him and his family. He believes that man is the master of all and he has a kill em all attitude.

Pickett posits that nature is trying to get back at him, but that's quickly dismissed although the island is surrounded by frogs (a fact which the film reminds us of after and sometimes during every scene) who stare and croak ominously and his family is picked off one by one.

My main concern with a movie like this was, "How exactly will the frogs kill?"  And I got my answer. They croak in unison which is apparently just enough to give an old man a heart attack.

Here's s list of everything that kills or is implied to have killed in this movie:

Snakes, Tarantulas, Komodo Dragons, Lizards, Leeches, Alligators, Iguanas. Even a goddamn turtle got in on the action along with land (swamp?) Crabs and Birds

Here's a list of everything that hasn't:

Frogs.

The frogs were more ringleaders than killers. Every other animal seemed to be acting under their command, but I was promised killer frogs goddammit! Those other animals were supposed to be a appetizer not the meat and potatoes. I feel so cheated. Damn the 70s! With their bell bottoms and their disco. Damn you to hell!!!!

Killer Frogs were on my most wanted list. I was excited to see this. I can't even cross it off. I feel that wouldn't be fair. I can't believe how it under delivered.

Violence? No?
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Axe Giant is a dark, contemporary take on the tall tale. Kids at a first-time offenders' boot camp discover the legend of lumberjack Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined.

Here's the story of Paul Bunyan. The absolute truth as told by the local crazy Minnesotan Hillbilly:

He was born with a rare disease that allowed him to be big and tall and live longer, but he'd have the mind of a child. [He became a lumberjack as that just made sense, apparently.] Food was scarce, as animals fled the forest due to the over logging and one winter, the local lumberjacks, hungry, tracked and killed Bunyans blue ox, Babe. He found the loggers cooking and eating him and massacred them. He was hunted down and dragged through town for his crime. They tossed him in an old mine shaft filed with dynamite and lit the fuse, then creating the story of Paul Bunyan the delightful lumberjack to keep prosperity and boost tourism. He escaped from the mine shaft and lived in solitude for years, just growing. The kids disturbed the resting place of his best friend and he aims to kill them all.

Because I want to wrap this up, here's how everyone died:

• The Nerd dies when he grabs the business end of the Crazy old man's rifle.
• Latina is killed when she's chucked into a tree by Bunyan.
• Cocky white dude tries to return what he took from Bunyan, but he gets it spiked right into his chest. Then dragged off for good measure.
• Dick w a badge, Sgt hoke, got chopped in half and then stomped.
• Crazy old man was decapitated
• Slut was spilt in two...by Bunyan's axe. [Having been clam-jammed earlier by the counselor, I'm sure she would have preferred it the other way.] 
• Bunyan is killed by taking a fall into the lake after the local town militia showers him in a hail of bullets
  [The blonde, the counselor and the sheriff lived although the town practically did their best to kill them.]

I'm kind of a sucker for these at risk youth forced into camp and destroyed by some monster movies. The kids are always so terrible and I feel nothing but joy watching them get slaughtered. But I have a problem. At first Paul Bunyan is not a Giant. He is some type of Sasquatch like mongoloid. Then he grows. (He looked like that thing from 300 that betrayed them) Fine. Whatever. What I don't get is how and why his axe grew with him. The ox too. His whole legend makes no sense. Fuck Paul Bunyan! Double fuck you to the Shitty CG and melting muscle suit. Jesus Christ it was terrible.

Seriously, What the Fuck is this?!!

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Battle: Bigfoot (2012) vs Sasquatch (2003)

I don't think I've ever seen a Bigfoot movie outside of Harry and the Hendersons. I saw these two on Netflix and figured I'd kill birds with stones. I did a comparison and holy black on a Popo, did Bigfoot suck.


The Poster

On first glance, I would give this to Sasquatch. He looks more menacing. Plus any incarnation of Bigfoot should never ever be that far out of a forest. 

Winner: Sasquatch.

The Plots:

Sasquatch: After finding the mutilated bodies of the crew of a downed plane in a forest, a rescue party realizes there's something deadly in the woods with them.

Bigfoot: After Bigfoot unleashes his wrath on music lovers at an outdoor music festival, crunchy granola peacenik Simon Quinn vows to save the Sasquatch.

Uh, they are both equally terrible. I can't give a victory to either of them.

Winner: Neither.

The Cast:

Sasquatch: Lance Henriksen, Erica Durance.

Bigfoot: Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Andre Royo, Sherilyn Fenn, Alice Cooper

Pfft. As much as I want to hate on BonaDouchy, there is really no contest. Not only did they get the Partridge and Brady families together, they got Bubbles from The Wire, and Alice Cooper too.

Winner: Bigfoot.


The Monster:

 Bigfoot:

Sasquatch:

The monster in Bigfoot was an atrocious Computer Generated hairy turd, that only hot larger as the movie went on.

The Sasquatch -outright- looks like the offspring of a Sasquatch, a Viking and a zulu warrior. But he still looks better than that other crappy version.

Winner: You tell me which one looks more like a "missing link." Sasquatch


Monster in Action:

Bigfoot: Bigfoot was a rampaging beast. All he did was run amok and eat people. And grow.
He also has tunnel vision and a taste for human blood. 

Sasquatch: Sasquatch was a thinking man's monster. he only killed for revenge and he tried to mate with a human female. He watches from a distance and torments them from afar. Even going so far as to frame a deer for his actions.

This one was tough. I'm all for reckless monster killing, but no matter how many heads he ate, the Bigfoot really was terrible. Sasquatch dragged a woman through the woods, and then killed her when she rejected him. If that isn't horny male behaviour (Yes, with a "u") idk what is.

Winner: Sasquatch


Defeating the Beast:

Bigfoot: Goes on a rampage that ends with him, the heroes and Roosevelt's face being blown up at Mt. Rushmore.

Sasquatch: Sasquatch revealed himself and stares at the remaining guy. The story ends there. an epilogue reveals that although they knew he was real, they denied his existence.

Winner: Bigfoot. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an actual ending.


Final Tally/Thoughts:
Although it was close, Sasquatch pulls it out 3-2.  Sasquatch was easily the better film. Bigfoot was like the worst of all killer animal bad movies. I just wish I could give negative stars as a score. From the graphics, to the audio, to the dialogue and even the cast, i don't think there's a single redeeming quality to this film. Syfy has done way better shit than this. They were clearly mailing this one in. AND, how the fuck does a Bigfoot turn into the Scrappy Doo version of King Kong? To top it all off, they teased me yet again, with a Gatling gun. Fired for 2 seconds. Again, I need more. 

So since Sasquatch is a better film, it'll get the score.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Shakma (1990)

Turned murderous when given experimental drugs, a baboon escapes from a laboratory and attacks a group of students in the building.

Working on a device to control aggression, the science and research division places an inhibitor in a baboon named Shakma. It has been known to have the opposite affect and heighten aggression. After it wakes and breaks free, they are ordered to put it down. They basically made him rabid but without all of the other BS that comes with rabid animals.

Thinking they are done, they take him to the cremation room where he starts to slowly wake. In the meanwhile, the med students are set to play a game, like a live action RPG when the building shuts down for the night. He gets out, kills a dude and quickly gains a taste for human blood. One by one they venture to the lab and one by one Shakma takes them out. Interestingly enough, the token black guy was still alive through the first three kills. 

Bored with the lab, Shakma decides to take this show on the road. He can also open doors, you understand? So now the movie is about an hour and a half of a 2ft high, super intelligent, pissed off primate, who's only goal is to kill. He manages to rack up a few more kills but here's where it turns (again!). The Token Black guy, while lasting longer than any of the other victims, dies while allowing Shakma elevator access to the other floors when it was previously trapped due to locked staircase doors. Now, it has access to the entire building. No one is safe.

Shakma was a pretty interesting film killer animal wise. I honestly expected a larger threat, but honestly, there are not many things more intimidating than a pissed off primate.
I've never seen total decimation byan animal I'm this type if film I'm a long time. Shakma was a legit beast, managing to kill damn near the entire cast minus one person, and he would have got her if she was in the building!


Violence? Crazy primate.
Explosions? Of answer. Man that chimp was pissed.
Nudity? As Shakma never wore pants, there was bare assed killing for the whole film.

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Spiders (2013)

When huge mutant spiders invade New York's subway, a transit supervisor and a health inspector must try to stop the spread of the killer arachnids.

Spiders are shown in space aboard a satellite that they've ravaged. It is then broken by a passing asteroid and crashes into earth. Directly into the nyc subway system. [I don't really think they're actually in New York though. Bastards.]

The first guy to die is named Jimmy. Hah. Classic Jimmy. They claim he hit the third rail and was electrified. Unsatisfied with that logic, his boss heads into the tunnels to try and piece together what happened.
His ex wife is down there for some reason as a health inspector and refuses to give the okay to re open the subway. Citing the dead rats and the space waste. [Somehow the health department has jurisdiction over the subway tunnels. You have to love Bloombergs New York.]

It's revealed that the spiders are actually an alien life form who--after gene splicing-- have taken the form of spiders and a Russian scientist is working with a U.S. military commander to obtain the queen egg for nefarious purposes. That egg was once inside of Jimmys body, and had since been removed by our hero and his ex. Barely confined to the subway, the Spiders breach the surface and are now above ground seeking to make a larger nest for their queen, who comes through and predictably fucks things up. The army, the navy, and the entire nypd tried and failed to take her down. You want to know how they beat her? She was rammed to death by a speeding train car that pushed her into the subways electrical grid.

Two quick thoughts:

I first thought they would automatically be giant killer spiders and I was disappointed that they weren't. They are pretty big, but nothing like what's on the cover. The only thing better than killer animals is Giant killer animals. Then they said just about the best thing a guy like me could hear, "They grow Six inches per hour." Aka like Master Wu say, "patience grasshopper. Giant Spider must grow first"

People like to gawk and spectate. Once the area was cordoned off, there were nothing but bystanders. They told them it was a virus which predictably put them in a panic. What if they had just told them that it was spiders? Giant fucking spiders. I guarantee you that area would have been clear. Except for a few nutjobs with "we heart spiders" signs.

Ooohh: Let's play Do You know how I know?

Do you know how I know they aren't in NY?

• The health department operates like a research and development lab and has their own cars.
• Dude was on the phone, in a moving train car, traveling underground and talked from the time he got on the train until he got off.

You know how i know this is a bad movie?  The Dialogue.

• "They've quarantined Emma, in the apt. i can't get to her." "We have to go find her" Sigh. 
• So what's the plan? Well we're gonna get past the heavily armed guards and the giant spiders, get Emily, and get her past the heavily armed guards and giant spiders then get out of here."

You know how else?

• The military are entirely overpaid and inefficient. They had a fucking gattling gun! And couldn't hit shit. The spiders were like 8 ft by this point. There's no fucking excuse.
• All of the spiders have teeth. Which is ridiculous. But since they are technically space creatures, I'll allow it. Chang?

 

Sidenote: I need more Gatling Gun in my life. Dude was on it for like 2 secs before the spiders got him. That's not enough. They need to make like Busta Rhymes and gimme some more. 


Spiders was pretty bad, but It also had its unintentionally funny moments. Like how it shocked the scientist when the rogue colonel went rogue and turned on him too. I found that funny. Also how they killed the queen and walked away. just disregarding the rest of the colony. I guess we're just gonna forget about them, huh?

Anyway, Sometimes you find yourself in the mood for a bad movie. ::Shrug:: This time: Spiders aka Spiders 3D. Yes, Seriously. It was 3D. The main draw was space spiders. How could i pass that up?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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April Fools Day (1986)

A group of nine college students staying at a friend's remote island mansion begin to fall victim to an unseen murderer over the April Fool's day weekend.

What would an April Fool's Day movie be without any April Fool's Day pranks? Over the course of the weekend, the gang manages to gag each other back and forth, but when shit gets real, their attitudes change.

Prank#1: Two friends play with a knife and one stabs the other. 
Prank #2: Whoopie cushion
Prank #3: Chair with false legs.
Prank #4: Holes in drinking glass
Prank#5: Exploding cigar
Prank #6: Rigged sink that sprays water
Prank #7: loose doorknob
Prank #8: Crying baby on tape recorder
Prank #9: Rigged lamp (lights shifts around room)
Prank #10: Chair with false legs (redux)
Prank #11: A woman has her throat sliced

One of the teens is got and another two find his body floating by the boat House as they were about to get it on. Things pick up when they decide to go look for him, and another disappears. Muffy appears and sports an entire character shift that was done so well, I seriously thought that they had changed actresses in the middle of the film!


One of the girls volunteers to go to the well to fetch some water. Inside the well, she finds 2 severed heads and a whole body. Understandably she freaks out and the teens lock down the house until help arrives, but it turns out that the killer is already inside.

They assume it's Muffy based on her new demeanor, the suggestion from the constable to never be left alone with her and the dolls they've found in her room that oh so clearly represent them, in death. They immediately split up following that revelation, but somehow (improbably) don't die. At least not before discovering that Muffy may be an escaped mental patient. They find a boat and return to the house for the keys. There they discover the secret that makes the entire film worth it.

Plus there's this:

 The Octopus!

Seriously, how have I missed this film?

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Mega Piranha (2010)

 

Former pop princess Tiffany co-stars in this nerve-wracking thriller about gigantic, mutant piranhas who are irradiated in the Amazon River by well-meaning scientists in a misguided attempt to revive the local piranha population. After the fish destroy a tourist boat and the militia bent on stopping them, they escape from their enclosure and begin swimming to Florida. Along the way, they grow even larger and more threatening. Can they be stopped?

A team of scientists in Venezuela are working on increasing the food supply via DNA manipulation. For plot purposes, they have decided to include piranhas as well and "inadvertently" created a very large and very nasty group of piranha who will only continue to grow larger as time goes on.
An American agent is dispatched to find out what happened to a diplomat after his boat is destroyed. After being held up by the Venezuelan military, he heads out to scout the river himself. It isn't long before he runs into the piranhas himself, but through a stroke of luck, he survives. Now that the threat has been revealed, the race is on to stop them from getting to the Mississippi River, which would allow them to reach lakes and rivers waters worldwide.

After an initial strike fails, the military captures the scientists and shuts down their lab. As the scientists are the only ones who can stop the fish, it is imperative that they are rescued. Meanwhile, The piranhas have only grown larger and are literally destroying the town, while heading towards the river.
 
Mega Piranha is a cheesey B-Movie. The piranhas are fast and furious right out the gate, taking down a couple and a boat full of diplomats in less than 5 minutes and as a whole, this movie is straight action. Until the last chapter. With about 20 minutes to go, this film limped toward its conclusion. The worst part of this film? There's no titty. No. Titty. How can there be no titty? That's like THE Cardinal Rule of the genre.

If you're into bad movies, Mega Piranha is one of them. It's cheesy, but that's what you came for.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thankskilling (2009)

Thankskilling is a short and to the point drinking game movie. You know what, fuck that. This is the type of bad movie that you sit watch and drink with good friends and rebel in it's ridiculousness. In this cult classic and awesomely bad movie, a demonic turkey comes to life and kills motherfuckers dead.

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11/11/11 (2011)

 

Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son's bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11. 

 
On 11 11 11, The Devil will return  as an 11 yr old boy.

The Father in this story looks like one of the guys in a Just For Men™ advertisement and the mother looks like a cross between Jenna Haze and Blossom. Together, with their son, they are moving into a new house to accommodate the father's new job at the university.

Honey, can I touch up these marks with My "Just For Men?" No? Maybe "A Touch of Gray?"

So, you've moving into a house with big ass claw marks on the wall, and you...don't...ask about it?
My first thought, These people are going to get what they deserve. Eventually a painter is called to touch up the place and presumably paint over the scratches. The painter, who looks like a fat John Travolta, sees the claw marks glow. He backs away slowly and runs towards his inevitable death.

The cliched creepy neighbor tells the father that the kid must die before his birthday and that she will kill him if he doesn't.  He brushes off this warning (naturally),  and the family seeks a babysitter as the mother is pregnant and told to do as little as possible for as long as she can. The Babysitter, who looks like Megan Fox, begins to slowly nurture Matts dark side. Which is surprisingly appropriate.and makes sense considering She's Megan Fox. Essentially.

Eventually, the father notices cuts and scratches on Matts body and immediately bitches out the babysitter and has her arrested.The only negro in the film, an articulate, polite policeman is killed in a fiery explosion when CGI bees at the command of the babysitter, attack him while driving her to the police station. Dude didn't even get the respect of real bee footage. and just so you're sure he's dead, then they threw in multiple explosions off screen.

On the night of the 10th the suspense is palpable as we wait for the easy scare that never comes. 
Confident in the fact that his son is not the devil, Just For Men™ packs up and heads to pick up a birthday cake. It turns out his sons name was Nat. I thought his name was Matt. Shit, that kid was born to be the Devil. He never stood a chance.

It is revealed that the neighbors are part of a Satanic Cult, and are well aware of the child's future and are in cahoots to make sure it happens. The older woman is the only one sane enough to try and prevent it. She employs every trick in the pedophile playbook to get him in her house. Lemonade, model trains, birthday presents,  candy. Finally, she resorts to chloroform and I'm more than positive she's going to ass rape that little boy.

Curses! Drats and Double Drats! Just get in my fucking basement!

After finally getting him into her sex shed, out its revealed that it's not his ass she wants. She wants to perform an exorcism. Failing that, she is going to kill him, I mean, he IS Satan afterall. Just for Men™ rescues Satan Jr. at the last minute and kills the old woman as a token of his appreciation. After watching Satan Jr. kill his wife, he is choked out as the Satanic Cult makes their move. He comes to just in time to rescue the child again and as the boy begins to morph into Satan, he takes him back to the sex shed and kills him, thus saving the world. At the end and In a surprise cameo, the negro cop returns from his fiery bee stung death to arrest Just For Men™, because even death couldn't stop him from arresting a white man.

Now, I'm no expert, but when you raise a kid that goes around stabbing people, it's okay to think about disowning and getting them some help. But you have to question the wisdom of a guy who seeks to save the same child he just watched stab and ultimately kill his mother. I mean, No parent wants to believe that their child is the Devil, but I gotta tell ya, if I was in this dude's shoes, it wouldn't take much more to convince me.

Hindsight being 20\20, I probably should have watched this on 11 11 11. That may have added to the ambiance, but I doubt it would have changed how much this film sucked. It has moments of legit suspense, but ultimately starts and ends flat with many, many questions are left unanswered.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Beth, a girl with a mysterious past, moves in with her new sorority. Due to a memory block, she doesn't remember that the sorority house was her childhood home. Her brother senses her presence in the house and attempts to reconnect. Violently.

A group of sorority girls are left to themselves for a weekend after the den mother goes off to travel. so they do what all unsupervised teens do, invite guys and have a party. When the guys show up, they reveal the myth behind the history of the house. It is treated like an urban legend, of course, but we all know what's going to happen.

For the past week, one of the girls, Beth, has been experiencing hallucinations and sees a man wielding a knife stalking her. As the days go on, her dreams become more intense. It is soon revealed that the man is real, has some type of mental connection to her and after he breaks free from the institution, he heads straight for her, with the intent to kill.

When all is said and done, we learn of a connection between the house, the killer and one of the girls...But not before the massacre.

Hmmm...A big ass knife + no minorities. Makes you wonder who gets killed first?

Sorority House Massacre is actually pretty dull. Not too much happens in this film until the end as there's a lot of exposition and setup. It's also quite confusing. (In terms of their actions). Dude is a beast when he starts the killing though, but almost all of that was negated by a girl who literally could not swing a shovel to save her life.

Skip it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Shark Zone (2003)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Zone***

A man must hunt down ferocious sharks that are threatening a small beach community.

**Sidenote: I didn't actually feel like writing about this film, so I decided to live blog it. It was a Game time decision, but I think I may revisit this format in the future. Let me know what you think.**

In 1792 a Ship from Spain carrying diamonds and other goods capsizes after a storm at sea and now that this has been explained, we can start the real story.

1. On a tour vessel, 6 people are ready to dive.
2. Douchey guy is easily going to be the first victim.
3. Nice rack on the douchey guys gf though.
4. Touching family moment #1 father and son bonding before the dive.
5. Finally in the water and not only has the douche blatantly ignored the leaders warning to remove his necklace, he goes off on his own ignoring orders to stay together.
6. Touching family moment #2 father and son discuss how proud they are if each other.
7. Douche And friend find an abandoned ship and go to explore. They also find a Family of hungry sharks.
8. Gasp! They're all dead! Yet, somehow the son escapes!
9. We pick up in S.F. 10 years later. Now a grown man with his own family, And hot wife!) he watches the sea wistfully.
10. They take a boat to sea during a rainstorm and they are attacked by sharks.
11. The hot wife is dead! Oh the humanity!!!
12. Ooh no. It's Only a dream. Whoo.
13. Meeting to discuss a festival. Bleh. Talking.
14. They ask him to go back to the death site in search of jewels. He flat out refuses.
15. Not even 30 minutes into the film and we've reached the part where the hero warns of the danger and he's summarily dismissed. is it wrong to expect lots of bloodshed later?
16. Hero v Mayor #1: "I know your dad's death weighs heavily on your mind. But I'm asking you, and I'm paying you to get him out if your head for the summer." Douche. Let's see if he dies later.
17. Touching scene #3: He takes his son to his father's gravesite and explains to him how awesome he was. Then they discuss how much they hate sharks.
18. Beach shot. Little kids, hot women, high wasted Bikinis and finally our first titty.
19. They try to pull everyone out of the water, but the sharks are many and that are too fast. They feast and yes. Lots of blood is shed. (Called it!) The sharks show up, wreck shop. Leave. This movie might actually be decent.
20. Hero meeting with Mayor v. 2
    "The beach stays open!" If the festival doesn't happen, it'll be worse than a shark attack! [It'll be 9/11 x 1,000.]
21. He leaves the mayor's office and recruits a team with the intention of hunting the sharks.
22. Before that, he goes home to console himself in the arms of his hot wife. She's being all hot and supportive. Tears are shed. Then she takes him to bed. After some lame dialogue we cut to the next day as they apparently are too good to get busy for us on film.





23. The mayor is in cahoots with a mobster who threatens to pull his support (money) if our hero isn't out there taking him diamond hunting by the end of the week.
24. The hunt is on! The plan is to tag every shark that they can't kill.
25. He stays on the boat while the sharks attack and manage to get through the cages and feast on the hunters inside.
26. Oh man, they just used the same scene twice.
27. The sharks are smarter than they seem and they have destroyed everyone. Once again, he can only sit and watch.
28. Realistic shark physics? That shark was really working to get that body down its throat.
29. Meeting with the mayor v.3: Beaches will be closed.
30. While the hero drinks away his problems with about 8 shots + beers, we get our 3rd and final titty shot as a young couple goes diving in the banned waters. The sharks, of course, are not too far away.
31. The mobster meets with our hero, but he stands his ground. He is not going to help. Mobster promises he'll return... soon.
32. Meeting with his crew the mobster makes plans to kidnap the hero's son. The ransom? A diamond expedition.
33. Out at sea, we get hints of another impending shark attack. You can tell because this movie seriously uses the same scenes. Quite brazenly.
34. Thing is, these sharks are doing nothing, but fucking people up and leaving. I'm starting to think that This is a legit shark attack film.
35. Because he needed a victory, not only did they save a victim, they also managed to land trackers.
36. Meeting w the mayor 4:  I can track them. I'm ready to head out and drop explosives. (Because that always works.)
37. Crappy dialogue preceded the bomb drops, but no one takes the time to say a crappy one liner.
38. Oh wait, there it goes. "Class Dismissed!" Get it? Because a pack of fish is called a school. Sigh.





39. Hero v. Mayor 5:
    M: "Are we drinking because we killed all the sharks? I'll have one!"
    H: "Well, the sharks may have had babies. We'll see..."
40. Mobster calls the hero's house with a fantastic investment opportunity. either He helps him get those diamonds or his family will be in danger.
41. When he meets the hero he offers him about $500k when he again refuses, he drops the bomb. The pilot who rescued him was his brother. Dun-Dun-Dunn!!
42. He says he'll consider it repayment if he helps and after another refusal, he has his goons kidnaps his son. From a school bus. In broad daylight. [That Don't matter, he doesn't negotiate with terrorists.]
43. Getting the news from his wife, he assures her that he will save him and rushes to his rescue. Nice drifting on an old cherokee. The wet roads helped i guess.
44. On board the mobsters ship, he makes with the kung fu, but he is quickly pummeled by four guys and gets his shit stomped, but never wavers from his trash talk. Even with a boot on his back and guns in his face, he's all, "If you touch my son..."
45. He gives up the info on the diamonds, but gets to stay aboard the ship with the boss while the bad guys search for the gems. They boast about how easy it is and You know what they means. The sharks aren't too far behind.
46. Exactly 2 minutes later, the sharks are on their way and they show up precisely when the diamonds are found. One henchman gets skinned alive and it soon becomes a feeding frenzy.
47. Realizing that he may never get the diamonds, the mob boss threatens to toss our hero's son off the ship if he doesn't dive down and retrieve them himself.
48. Once submerged, he almost immediately he takes out the henchman #4 and climbs back aboard to deal with his boss. He's shot in the fracas, but still manages to kick him overboard and rescue his son who was apparently too much much of a bitch to save himself.
49. The Scene then cuts to hero and super hot wife aboard a cruise ship. Basking in the glow of a well earned vacation. He hallucinates seeing a shark in the pool. Then realizes it for what it is and laughs.

Boom. End credits.

Shark Zone, despite its cheesy dialogue, deserves no more than a 5. But for its three pairs of titty and the unrepentent delivery of blodshed and killer sharks I'm going to add another .5. I can't forgive the blatant use of repeat footage.  

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? Yes

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Mega Shark vs. Crocosarus (2010)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus***

When the prehistoric warm-water beast the Crocosaurus crosses paths with that cold-water monster the Mega Shark, all hell breaks loose in the oceans as the world's top scientists explore every option to halt the aquatic frenzy. Swallowing everything in their paths -- including a submarine or two -- Croc and Mega lead an explorer and an oceanographer on a wild chase. Eventually, the desperate men turn to a volcano for aid. 

Hot on the heels of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, the Mega Shark now battles the Crocosaurus in the latest battle of the monster beasts. I barely have time to finish that sentence before the Crocosaurus immediately makes his presence felt and eats his way out of the cave slavers have been digging in. Being no slouch, The Mega Shark makes his presence felt early as well, repeatedly attacking a naval ship without reason. Steve Urkel co stars as a naval audio technician, who believes that the giant shark is back and is only proven right when it appears and attacks their ship for no reason. His fiancee suffers an unfortunate shark related fatality during the attack.

Since it takes so long from setup to execution to fight, here's the story condensed:

Mega Shark and Crocosaurus are fucking shit up separately. Somewhere along the way, The shark has swallowed a nuclear sub and essentially becomes a bomb, while the Croc tears through downtown Miami. The military hot on the trail of both, come up with a plan to lead them both to the panama canal where they will attempt to blow them up.

Inside the final 30 minutes we finally get the "battle" we've been waiting for, but it's mainly just a lot of tail and fin biting with the navy shooting missiles and torpedoes at both. Yet Somehow the day is saved after a mighty explosion wipes out everything within their radius.

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus was beyond bad. I fell asleep twice before the end. It seemed like Only two people were trying and bless his heart, boy did Urkel try. Ah well. Another bad movie in the books.

 (Uproxx via Gamma Squad)

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon***

When two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast their worst fears surface - the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path.

 The Megalodon is a large prehistoric shark. Long thought to be extinct, one exists solely to terrorize the people of this film.

Life is good for the members of the mexican beach patrol. Beaches, bikinis and babes are their life. But now they have to deal with a 30 foot prehistoric shark. But after finding a large shark tooth during a deep sea dive, Ben (our hero) uploads a picture of it, hoping someone can help him identify it. The call is answered by a Cat Stone, a marine biologist, and she rushes to his beach to confirm what she's found. Assuring him that he won't have a huge problem. She tracks the shark and tags it, confirming it is the same shark as she thought. After it attacks someone though, she reveals the truth, she's a paleontologist with the museum and the shark is a megalodon. A  species of shark that can grow up to 72ft and is supposed to be extinct. Ben immediately sets out to hunt and kill it as it threatens the resort. Soon after, the danger and urgency increases as its mother makes an appearance.

Shark Attack 3 is only related to the other two movies by name. It is a decent bad flick and has arguably reached cult status based on this one scene:

 Shark Attack 3 was worth it for that line alone. I can't believe that fucking worked.

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Shark Attack 2 (2001)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: Shark Attack 2***

The mutant sharks from Dr. Craven's experiments in "Shark Attack 1" are back, this time choosing Cape Town, South Africa as their hunting ground. Dr. Nick Harris and his assistant get the shark and install it as a new attraction at Water World - a Sea World rip-off. When the shark escapes, Nick goes to hunt it and discovers that there are 6 mutant Great Whites living in a cave near the beach, and the Water World's surfing competition might be the next victim!

**Editors note: Sorry if this review is confusing. I can't be bothered with remembering the names of people in this flick. They're almost all going to die anyway.**

A marine biologist has been tasked with retrieving a Great White for his employer at the Aquarium. He warns that the animal may be too much to control but he's threatened with termination if he doesn't comply.
A hot blonde woman attempts to kill the shark, claiming it is the same one that killed her sister a week ago. Everyone dismisses her and assures her that it isn't the same shark and they are all safe since it's in captivity.
After the greedy aquarium owner, looking for a news bite, demands that the shark be fed, a hapless engineer falls in and gets eaten in front of just about every child in town. The shark then escapes, but not before he's guy with a tracking device. In a classic scumbag maneuver, Aquarium Boss throws the Marine Bio under the bus.  (He'll be fish food later, But for now,) Marine Bio has to hunt down and kill the shark. He forms a crew with Hot Blonde and the members of a boat he's chartered and together they encounter it.

Aquarium Boss shows up and reminds Marine Bio that it's his fault and says he's hired bootleg Steve Irwin to hunt the shark and clean his mess. Bootleg Irwin catches a shark, but the team believes it is the wrong one, and Aquarium Boss hasn't been eaten yet, so back into the water they go. At sea, they find a cave full of Great Whites. After running a blood test, they find that the sharks are mutated and they will have a huge problem on their hands, as they hunt in packs and the surf competition begins in 2 hours. After being denied their request to shut down the beach, there's not much left to do but sit and wait for the inevitable and so they do.

Believing him to be more capable, Bootleg Irwin has been tasked with killing the sharks. His first priority however, is securing enough footage for the Discovery Channel. (Shark Week, baby!) While he's down there, the massacre begins. After chomping his crew, the sharks finally head towards the beach. After the "I told you so's" the mayor grants Marine Bio full authority to handle the situation. Him, hot blonde and bootleg Irwin team up to end the horror.

I know it's a b-movie, about mutated killer sharks, but the dialogue is so crappy. Soooo crappy. And get this, for all of his scumbaggery, Aquarium Boss didn't get eaten. Wtf? + A Shark attack and over-dramatic acting within the first 5 minutes?  I should have known I'd be in for a doozy.

(This should have but didn't happen.)

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Brief

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2 Headed Shark Attack (2012)

***In Celebration of Shark Week, we'll be covering Shark cinema. 

Today's film is: 2-Headed Shark Attack***

A group of teens taking a "semester at sea" course find themselves stranded on an abandoned atoll after their ship is attacked by a monster shark. To their dismay, they find that the island is sinking and the shark is terrorizing the only way out. (Hint: The Water)

This movie is terrible. But somewhere between the cheesy lines, the horrible reading of said lines, and the lame creature effects, this could have been a decent bad movie, but the dialogue was too terrible, and the casting was awful. (Hi, Brooke Hogan!). The Shark however, definitely did his part as apparently two heads means twice the carnage. There were even multiple minorities for it to feed on.

I see you hiding back there, token. You can't hide from your fate.

I want to say that this film reached "so bad it's good" status. But no. it's just bad. In films like these, there are only two things people want to see: people getting killed and people getting naked. The shark delivered, but the lack of nudity was astounding.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Waaaay under quota

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Retro Review: Slumber Party Massacre - 1982

An eighteen-year-old high school girl is left at home by her parents and she decides to have a slumber party. There is friction between some of the invited guests and the new girl, who is better at basketball than they, so the new girl decides to stay at home (which is conveniently across the street from the host's house). Meanwhile, a murderer of five people with a propensity for power tools has escaped and is at large, and eventually makes his way to the party, where the guests begin experiencing an attrition problem, with only the new girl to help them.

The girls of Stanford High do everything together. They eat, compete and even comfort each other when need be. Tonight, they die together in this old school B-movie slasher flick.

Not much is known about our killer other than he's killed a few times before and he's currently on the run. Killer immediately strikes as his first victim is a telephone repair woman at the high school of our damsels.
The bitchy high schooler gets taken in accordance to Rule # 12 and our killer moves on to stalk the rest of his prey. Having no idea what's in store, the teens' plan for a slumber party remain unaltered. During the slumber party, strange noises abound, but the girls remain undeterred. The guys stumble upon the party just in time to see the girls change into their nightwear.

Hmm...That's nice right there. Real nice. Red Kool-Aid? Love it.

After (of course) forgetting to lock the back door our killer finally has a way into the house. Shit gets real fairly quickly, after the pizza guy shows up dead on the doorstep. Once the phone lines are cut, the teens realize that they're in for a shitty night. The two males hatch a plan to split up and seek help, incorrectly figuring that he can't kill them both and thus the girls are left alone. again. They huddle up in a room and barricade the door hoping to escape the lunatic, but the killer creeps in through an open window (of course) and manages to thin the numbers yet again.

Phallic Weaponry...

Valerie, the girl they purposely didn't invite becomes the unlikely savior as she senses something amiss and checks the place out while looking for her sister who intended to crash the event. After finding a body, she gets caught up in the drama and hides in the basement while hatching an escape plan. In the meanwhile, our final teen standing is cornered and our Killer begins a final monologue. before he can say "WTF!" He's being chased and killed by our now suddenly empowered machete wielding heroine. Like any slasher worth his salt, he re-animates but is then quickly put down for good.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? From the opening scene.

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Dinocroc vs. Supergator

PLOT:

A giant crocodile fights a giant alligator on a tropical island. People die.

- Me.

The Action starts the fist minute in. A female scientist sounds an alarm and suddenly, we are a go for carnage. For about 7 minutes, the Supergator is destroying anything in its path and for 7 minutes after that, its the Dinocroc's time to wreck shit. Unsurprisingly, It turns out they're both unethical science experiments, this time created by *gasp* David fucking Carradine(!!!) and they've gone rogue.

There's a lot of foolishness about where and how, but in a movie like this, does plot really matter? It is a fight between a giant crocodile and a giant alligator. For those who do care, there is a backstory that explains everything and it actually recaps the 1st 15 minutes of the movie (including the same footage) for those who missed it.

Overall, DinoCroc vs. SuperGator is a lot longer than it needs to be. It should never take two (2) hours for the giant monster to fight each other. Seriously, why the delay? and for a movie how about giant creatures, plot and backstory should always take a backseat. David Carradine takes the chump way out (heart attack), some characters are overdone, but the important thing is that people get eaten.

Watch, but only if you're into this sort of thing.

Violence? Fuck and Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Funhouse

The Funhouse takes a little while to get to the action, but wit the simple line, "Let's spend the night at the Funhouse," the fun begins. (Poster via - Movies Online)

I was up late one night and channel surfing. I came across this flick and being in the mood for a bad movie, and having nothing better to do, I decided to watch it.

Plot via IMDB:

Four teenage friends spent the night in a carnival funhouse and are stalked by a deformed man in a frankenstein mask.

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