11-11-11 (2011)

After the death of his wife and child, an author travels to Barcelona to see his estranged brother and dying father, where he learns that his life is plagued by events that occur on 11/11/11.

11/7/11

An author wakes up after a nightmare and sees his clock stuck at 11:11.
He reflects on the lives of his wife and son while his publicist tells him how important his writing is.

11/8/11

He finds himself at a support group and hallucinates seeing a little boy. Shortly after, he gets into a car accident. At the hospital, he is dumbstruck that he is still alive although he's been wishing for his death every night.

He gets a ride home from Sadie, one of the members of his support group. At the end of the night at 11:11, he gets a call from his brother Samuel, stating that his father is dying.

11/9/11

He travels to his family's place in Spain to see his father in his final days. There he comes face to face with a gargoyle he's been seeing in his dreams. He brushes it off and goes to his father. Who immediately jumps from bed and gives him an ominous message.

He confronts his brother and confirms his die hard atheist status. He openly acknowledges the statues is in his nightmare.

The caretaker shows him a video of what she believes to be a demon, which he brushes off yet admits that he has been seeing "11-11" a lot. After being creeped out by the caretaker, Joesph looks attempts to look up the significance of 11-11. Not too long after, he starts to hallucinate, complete with Latin chanting, and he even sees a demon.

11/10/11

The creepy caretaker claims she has his date for church, forces him to get ready and says that she's there to restore his faith. After church, he is assaulted by Javier, a man who claims that the doorway is opening and the demons are coming for him.

Talking to his brother, he reveals his 11-11 theory. All of the bad things that have happened in his life have involved those numbers. Hearing him out, both him and his brother go back to the video tapes and as the image of a demon appears on the screen, he proves that something is happening on the 11s.
Looking to confront Javier, he heads to an occult bookstore where he often hangs out. There, Joseph finds out more about 11-11 and the midway beings. It seems they are trying to tell him something. He goes back to his father who begs him to protect his brother. Yet as he leaves he sees the demon again.
He tells Samuel of his encounter with the demon and tries to get his brother to leave with him. He of course refuses, citing his father's belief that he is important and will save his church and maybe his religion as well.

As the date grows closer, Joseph starts to freak out. Samuel stands his ground however as the demon begins his assault.

11/11/11

Now in full belief, he awakens this day to find Sadie in Spain. She was worried and caught a flight. He tells her that his brother may or may not be the savior of humanity, and he may or may not be his protector.

In a hedge maze, Joseph is again accosted by Javier. When he goes to his house to confront him, he finds Javier's shed, which only serves to frighten and confuse him. Javier then returns and immobilizes him, and presumably heads out to kill Samuel. Joseph manages to return to the house and with 12 minutes to spare, shit gets real.  Close to full strength, The spirits grab Samuel and prepare a ritual sacrificed as a terrorized Joseph attempts to stop them.

11-11-11 has all of the standard scares of a spiritual horror film, but doesn't do anything to separate it from the crowd. + unanswered questions make me angry.


I wasn't expecting an awesome movie. It was better than those other 11/11/11 films, but not by much.

 Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Hell's Gate 11:11 (2004)

Eighteen years after witnessing her parents' brutal murders, Sara Tobias, can't forget the traumatic event, or 11:11 -- the numbers written in blood next to their lifeless bodies. When a series of supernatural events begin occurring in her college town, Sara must uncover the truth as people she hates start dying and the mysterious numbers seem to appear everywhere she turns.

A Family's quiet and serene countryside life is shattered when two escaped convicts show up and begin the killing. Their daughter, Sara has by some miracle, survived the ordeal, seemingly shooting the two guys herself.

18 years later, we find Sara in university, taking a class on the supernatural. She lives with her aunt Lidia and she has no support from friends or family as they all think she makes up stories and when she's not on her meds, she experiences visions and hallucinations. Her friend, Rayden, is tries to convince her that her hallucinations are her trying to hide and run from her parents death. She claims that no one else was there for her and they don't need anyone else as long as they have each other.
In school she meets Seth, a guy who seems to be kindred spirit. She asks him if he's ever felt like his life was already planned and if the numbers 11:11 mean anything to him. Later at the school, Sara sees a mysterious figure and follows her to the library. It leads her to find a few books and eventually she finds a book called, "The Gate 11:11." Reading on, she finds that the prophecies have been slowly coming true.

Eventually Rayden reveals herself to Sara and tells her that she is a conduit between realms and she called for Rayden's help, many years ago. After a final standoff, Sara leaves with Rayden as she warns her that no one can escape their fate.

Hell's Gate tries is best to build a creepy atmosphere. Slow building the tension, maintaining the ambiance, only going for the meaningful scares. Unlike the other two films, there's no sense of foreboding dread. Ultimately, what does it amount to? Nothing. And a hot steaming pile of it.
Out of the three 11:11 movies, this one was by far the worst.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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11/11/11 (2011)

 

Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son's bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11. 

 
On 11 11 11, The Devil will return  as an 11 yr old boy.

The Father in this story looks like one of the guys in a Just For Men™ advertisement and the mother looks like a cross between Jenna Haze and Blossom. Together, with their son, they are moving into a new house to accommodate the father's new job at the university.

Honey, can I touch up these marks with My "Just For Men?" No? Maybe "A Touch of Gray?"

So, you've moving into a house with big ass claw marks on the wall, and you...don't...ask about it?
My first thought, These people are going to get what they deserve. Eventually a painter is called to touch up the place and presumably paint over the scratches. The painter, who looks like a fat John Travolta, sees the claw marks glow. He backs away slowly and runs towards his inevitable death.

The cliched creepy neighbor tells the father that the kid must die before his birthday and that she will kill him if he doesn't.  He brushes off this warning (naturally),  and the family seeks a babysitter as the mother is pregnant and told to do as little as possible for as long as she can. The Babysitter, who looks like Megan Fox, begins to slowly nurture Matts dark side. Which is surprisingly appropriate.and makes sense considering She's Megan Fox. Essentially.

Eventually, the father notices cuts and scratches on Matts body and immediately bitches out the babysitter and has her arrested.The only negro in the film, an articulate, polite policeman is killed in a fiery explosion when CGI bees at the command of the babysitter, attack him while driving her to the police station. Dude didn't even get the respect of real bee footage. and just so you're sure he's dead, then they threw in multiple explosions off screen.

On the night of the 10th the suspense is palpable as we wait for the easy scare that never comes. 
Confident in the fact that his son is not the devil, Just For Men™ packs up and heads to pick up a birthday cake. It turns out his sons name was Nat. I thought his name was Matt. Shit, that kid was born to be the Devil. He never stood a chance.

It is revealed that the neighbors are part of a Satanic Cult, and are well aware of the child's future and are in cahoots to make sure it happens. The older woman is the only one sane enough to try and prevent it. She employs every trick in the pedophile playbook to get him in her house. Lemonade, model trains, birthday presents,  candy. Finally, she resorts to chloroform and I'm more than positive she's going to ass rape that little boy.

Curses! Drats and Double Drats! Just get in my fucking basement!

After finally getting him into her sex shed, out its revealed that it's not his ass she wants. She wants to perform an exorcism. Failing that, she is going to kill him, I mean, he IS Satan afterall. Just for Men™ rescues Satan Jr. at the last minute and kills the old woman as a token of his appreciation. After watching Satan Jr. kill his wife, he is choked out as the Satanic Cult makes their move. He comes to just in time to rescue the child again and as the boy begins to morph into Satan, he takes him back to the sex shed and kills him, thus saving the world. At the end and In a surprise cameo, the negro cop returns from his fiery bee stung death to arrest Just For Men™, because even death couldn't stop him from arresting a white man.

Now, I'm no expert, but when you raise a kid that goes around stabbing people, it's okay to think about disowning and getting them some help. But you have to question the wisdom of a guy who seeks to save the same child he just watched stab and ultimately kill his mother. I mean, No parent wants to believe that their child is the Devil, but I gotta tell ya, if I was in this dude's shoes, it wouldn't take much more to convince me.

Hindsight being 20\20, I probably should have watched this on 11 11 11. That may have added to the ambiance, but I doubt it would have changed how much this film sucked. It has moments of legit suspense, but ultimately starts and ends flat with many, many questions are left unanswered.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Beth, a girl with a mysterious past, moves in with her new sorority. Due to a memory block, she doesn't remember that the sorority house was her childhood home. Her brother senses her presence in the house and attempts to reconnect. Violently.

A group of sorority girls are left to themselves for a weekend after the den mother goes off to travel. so they do what all unsupervised teens do, invite guys and have a party. When the guys show up, they reveal the myth behind the history of the house. It is treated like an urban legend, of course, but we all know what's going to happen.

For the past week, one of the girls, Beth, has been experiencing hallucinations and sees a man wielding a knife stalking her. As the days go on, her dreams become more intense. It is soon revealed that the man is real, has some type of mental connection to her and after he breaks free from the institution, he heads straight for her, with the intent to kill.

When all is said and done, we learn of a connection between the house, the killer and one of the girls...But not before the massacre.

Hmmm...A big ass knife + no minorities. Makes you wonder who gets killed first?

Sorority House Massacre is actually pretty dull. Not too much happens in this film until the end as there's a lot of exposition and setup. It's also quite confusing. (In terms of their actions). Dude is a beast when he starts the killing though, but almost all of that was negated by a girl who literally could not swing a shovel to save her life.

Skip it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Death of a Ghost Hunter (2007)

Twenty years after minister Joseph Masterson and his family were slaughtered inside their home, noted ghost hunter Carter Simms is offered $5,000 to investigate the residual paranormal activity in the house -- with shocking results.

In 1982, a family was found murdered in their home. In 2002 a paranormal investigator Carter Simms, is offered $5,000 to spend a weekend at the house and investigate the reports of a haunting at the Masterson house. She was somehow killed and the movie was created using the notes from her journals. Before stepping into the house, she interviews both the home owner, Seth and the maid. Feeling Appropriately skeptical, she accepts the help of a small crew, (a writer, a camera guy, and a spiritual advocate) at the behest of the owner.

As they stay in the house, Carter determines that they spirits are in a time echo. Basically they are watching the spirits re-live their deaths. She gets into an argument with religious Mary, who refuses to believe that one of the ghosts was a murderer. Once Mary leaves, everything stops. She soon returns however, (mainly because this film needs a conclusion) and it's clear that she's the catalyst for the weekend's events. She eventually reveals the story behind the Mastersons and the murders.

Death of a Ghost Hunter is supposedly a recreation based on notes with studio filling in the gaps. It sounds original enough to get a pass from me, plus I found it interesting that they tell you what happens up front. From there it's just about waiting until it happens. The film drags in the meanwhile though and despite the terrible acting, I'm going to give it an extra half point for the Blair Witch reference.

Out of Ten? 4 + .5 = 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Midnight Meat Train (2008)

If I told you of a film called Midnight Meat Train, would you think that it's a Movie Title or Porn Title? Well, like Ricky Martin, it can go both ways, but ultimately, it is a mainstream movie title. One which received a wide release. (heh.)

The film is also notable for being the acting debut of Rampage Jackson. Although he did nothing more than pretend to be a tough guy while getting his ass handed to him. I think his only lines were "Oh, damn!" Which he said everytime he got his face punched in. Which was also fairly often.

The only reason I watched this film was because of the title/tag line. Soooo...yeah.

I'm not going to rate this film. I just want you to know that it exists. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Kill Katie Malone (2010)

College students and best friends Ginger Matheson, Jim Duncan, and Kyle "Dixie" Canning, pool their cash to buy a "ghost" in an online auction. The three think it's all a goof, but once they open up the antique box to examine their "treasure," they unleash the vengeful spirit of an Irish servant girl who has been wreaking havoc on her owners throughout the generations.

Dean Cain opens this film by watching his wife being killed by some malevolent force. About a year later, a mysterious box appears online for sale. The listing claims it contains a ghost. Intrigued, the box is purchased by three college bffs. Opening the box, they and finds it contains the spirit of an abused and unwanted ghost who kills anyone that comes between her family. Once you own the box, you are her family.

They spend the rest of the movie trying to contract the seller and trying to break the curse.
Of course the curse isn't broken before the negro friend eats it, but that's the nature of these films.

Ah well. I Thought he'd be light enough to survive.

Out Of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Ghost on human violence.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Deaths of Ian Stone (2007)

In this byzantine psychological thriller, working stiff Ian Stone finds himself trapped in a bizarre reality: Every day he dies a horrific death at the hands of a killer, only to be resurrected and murdered again. Can Ian get to the bottom of the mystery and break the recurring cycle of death and rebirth?

A young American in Britain is hunted by wraith like ghouls. The ghouls are parasites who feast on the fear of humans. They are called Harvestors and they can only be seen when they want to and they are hunting Ian as he shares some connection with them. Each time they kill him, he is transported to another reality, and each time he starts to remember his past, they kill him again.

Soon, he is "enlightened" by an older man who informs him of his situation. In each of his lives, he has one constant, Jennie, the love of his life. They are more connected than he realizes and he must protect her at all costs. Of course he doesn't believe at first, but after being killed twice more, he heeds his warnings. Once Ian regains his memories however, he is able to rid himself of his enemies and live peacefully with Jennie.

The Deaths of Ian Stone is at its heart a love story. A sci-fi/horror mix that is entertaining as well as cheesy. The special effects were well done and I'm a fan of Jaimie Murray.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Tales from the Crypt: Demon Night (1994)

A wanderer named Brayker has the last of seven keys that hold the power to eliminate evil and protect the world from darkness. The evil Collector, however, possesses the other six, and assembles a team of walking dead to take out Brayker.

After being chased down a highway, a man drifts into town looking to crash the night. On his hand are six symbols and a flickering seventh.  He attempts to hold up in a hotel for the night but is caught by the sheriff and a man who's been hunting him for a while.

Brayker, our drifter, explains the story of the keys and why they are all trapped in the hotel. There are seven in total and demons have six. They need all seven to bring back the darkness. With the key being handed down to him, it is now his duty to keep it out of demon hands, as the world depends on it. He also reveals that his other mission is to find the next worthy person and pass the key onto them.
Trying to keep everyone calm, he tells them that everything will be okay if they can survive the night. But with demons both inside and outside the building, their will and resolve are severely tested.

Overall, Demon Night is pretty good, but this dude makes the film enjoyable. The "Immortal" Billy Zane is awesome as he hams it up as the collector. Jada Pinkett also stars as well as a few other big names. Fans of the series should enjoy this film. Watching it almost makes me want to watch the tv show again. Man did I miss this intro.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

What happens when a fast-food chicken franchise is built on a sacred Native American burial site rife with restless spirits? Zombie chickens! Now it's up to high school grad Arbie, to find a way to destroy the featherless fiends.

Movies open with teens banging in an Indian burial ground. Wendy promises Arbie that college will never change her. A year later, he returns to the make out spot only to find that it has since been bulldozed and an American Chicken Bunker has been built on top. A large group of people are protesting the restaurant, upset with the treatment of both the burial ground and the chickens that go into their product.

At the protest, not only does Arbie reconnect with Wendy, he discovers that she is also a lesbian. Out of spite, he gets a job at the restaurant looking for revenge. Once there, he discovers that the Indians and the chickens are seeking revenge as well and the tainted chicken manages to turn people into chicken zombies.


Poultrygeist is a Low budget Tromaville horror/comedy/ musical. I would say it's mildly offensive, but that would be generous. I think you'd have to search to find the line this film didn't cross yet I found it surprisingly funny. Even the musical numbers hit the comedy notes.
Tromaville movies are not for everyone, but Poultrygeist kinda works. It does drag towards the end, but it's decent good before it gets to that point.


Stray Quotage:

-You're the best dry humper I'm the school
    Yeah, that's what the basketball team says.

-you're the counter girl.
     Counter girl?
-Just a little nickname we have here.
     Oh okay.
-Cool. I'll get your skirt.

-How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock?!

-Would you stick around if you shit up a bathroom this bad?!

-There hasn't been such a dangerous combination of chicken and Indian since the creation of Tandoori.



I am a fan of originality, and of all the zombie films, chicken zombies are definitely original.

 

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Arachnophobia (1990)

South American killer spider hitches a lift to the US in a coffin and starts to breed and kill.

A sleepy country town is overrun with venomous spiders and it's up to one eccentric exterminator and the town doctor (who is extremely afraid of spiders) to stop them.

I liked Arachnophobia when I first saw it, and I realized that it is still a good movie after re-watching it this weekend. Jeff Daniels and John Goodman pretty much own this movie but the real stars are the spiders of course. Those mutherfuckers were everywhere. Shit, even the second researcher, -who saw the Spider Boss- high tailed it. He never even came back to finish the movie.

I don't blame him.

Gimme a hug, babyyy!!!

Billed as the first "thrill-omedy," Arachnophobia is a solid film that holds up even after 20+ years. You should all have seen this classic buy now, but if you haven't, grab some people and some beer and make it a night.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Severance (2006)

During a team-building retreat in the mountains a group of sales representatives are hunted down by crazed killers.

The film starts with three people running in the woods from an unseen attacker.  One of them is caught and gutted and the rest of the film tells the events leading up to that point. It is soon revealed that the three victims were part of a group of weapons salesmen who were on their way to a team building retreat in the mountains of Hungary. The group is soon quietly stalked and violently picked off by a group of Russians who viewed revenge on their parent company for some misgivings long ago.

Severance is a film that sticks true to and for the most part follows the general formula for these types of films. The comedy element is that the group was supposed to be office mates on a team building exercise and as we all know, nothing builds  teamwork like escaping crazed killers.

The group isn't 100% likeable, but you'll still feel bad for them as they are picked off. The comedy is in the fact that these people have no business being in those woods, but just like in reality, management makes stupid decisions and everyone else suffers for it. Albeit brutally, in this film.
Idk. I liked it.

Here's the trailer:

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? 1
Nudity? Blink and you'll miss it.

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We Are The Night (2010)

The gritty nightlife of Berlin serves as the backdrop for this thriller about three women vampires intent on luring another into their immortal pact. All hell breaks loose when a cop discovers their secretive ways.

A young loner girl gets but by a vampire queen, yet somehow repels her. Unfortunately, she finds out the next day that sunlight hurts and that she now has a craving for raw meat. As the transformation takes hold, she heads back to the club to confront the queen. The other vampires convert her and explain how much better her life is now. Although she is fully transformed and is seemingly digging the life, she desperately holds onto her humanity. Once the police get to them, bullets fly and the group is eventually bloodily dissolved as she manages to find love, in the midst of all the chaos.
This movie lost my interest early. could have been so much better. So much sexier.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Episode 50 (2011)

Focuses on two television crews of paranormal experts: one team of skeptics looking to de-bunk myths about ghosts and another consisting of believers looking to prove their existence. Teaming up for the first time for a special episode, the crews get more then they bargained for when they actually make contact with a spirit of tremendous power and must band together to stop it before it destroys them all.

At the behest of a dying billionaire, two teams of paranormal researchers are given the chance to investigate the West Virginia Lunatic Asylum. With the results, he intends to determine whether or not he goes to hell for his actions in life. One team is out to prove the supernatural and the other is there to disprove it.

 The united, the teams consist of a gay dude, a black guy, an Irishman, a psychic, an atheist and an overly religious dude. I think that's the horror film full house.

After a brief standoff, the two decide to work together and as the cameras are being set up, weird things begin to occur. The official investigation begins at midnight, so no one really pays attention.
Fairly quickly, The Believer team finds evidence that there is a poltergeist controlling things. They see it as their duty to save those trapped souls. The non believers, who by now have actually communicated with a ghost, are frantically trying to convince their leader that shit is real and they need to leave. When they do try to leave however,they find themselves trapped in the asylum as the believers have summoned the demon, who appears and kills their conduit.

Now, with the demon on the loose, the teams head to the site of the former State Penitentiary. There, they seek the portal that allowed the demon into this world and attempt to force it back.
Much like Series 7, this film is also framed as a reality tv show, but you know what i liked about Episode 50? It doesn't take too long for shit to get real. Audio/visual tricks (Images moving in backgrounds, Whispering, etc.) are part of the ambiance and they add a necessary but creepy vibe to the film. Like most films of this type, it starts to fall apart at the end. I almost expect it at this point, so I won't be too critical.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2010)

As a child Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family. Now a young man he struggles with a pestering girlfriend, therapy sessions that resolve nothing, and night classes that barely hold his interest. After unleashing an ancient curse, Jack's Professor undergoes a transformation into something not-quite- human, and Jack is forced to confront some old demons... along with a few new ones.

Robert Englund hams it up on screen as the professor/ lead monster. (Hookers and blow ain't cheap)

The knock on this film: Despite the opening scene, no real action scenes occur until the end so I can see people losing interest. It feels longer than it is because they spent so much time setting up the characters and plot. If you come into this film expecting immediate monster smashing, you'll be disappointed. However, if you came into it expecting an old school action comedy monster jam, you may leave pleasantly surprised. And if you look at the film as an origin story, you'll understand why it's a cult favorite.

Jack Brooks is not the best, but definitely worth a watch if you're into the genre.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Growth (2010)

In 1989, a breakthrough in advanced parasitic research on Cuttyhunk Island, gave scientists a jump in human evolution. But, something in the experiment went horribly wrong and the island mysteriously lost three quarters of its population. Now, a new strain of parasite has emerged, and threatens the island once again.

There's an isolated island where scientists live and work have gone to practice their craft. Since WWII.
Working on what they call "The Human Growth Project" They aim to use parasites to surpass our own genetic limitations. Their miscalculation was that parasites need to feed and they destroy a body from inside.

After a body is found it is believed that the parasites are still alive and are re-infecting people. Jamie who used to live on the island, returns with a group of friends to claim an inheritance. Being back on the island, she begins to uncover seemingly repressed memories. In the meanwhile, Justin, the weakest of the group gets infected with a parasite. 

 Justin immediately becomes more confident and powerful after getting his superpowers (Take that Chronicle!) 

I've been accused of giving too much detail, and writing more at this point would spoil it. It's a decent B-Movie, but nothing to write home about. Growth is not a film that would or should get a theatrical release, but it is better than something you'd see on the SyFy network.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Devil's Playground (2010)

As the world succumbs to a zombie apocalypse, Cole a hardened mercenary, is chasing the one person who can provide a cure. In his way aren't only the flesh eating super athletic cannibals as humanities greatest danger, are people themselves!

After a medical trial results in a viral infection, a former mercenary is sent to track down the one test subject who seems to show no symptoms or complications. Pretty soon after receiving his mission, the 29,999 other test subjects become mindless zombies and the country is quickly overrun. She now becomes the country's only hope. Luckily, he finds her pretty quickly, but the pace and the carnage immediately picks up as they set out to escape a country full of flesh eating monsters.


The Devil's Playground is standard zombie fare with one interesting twist, not only do the infected give chase, they can also jump and climb walls. That's right folks. these zombies know parkour.

My only question?
Who the fuck "tests" a drug with 30,000 people? How is that even remotely considered a good idea?

Out of Ten? 5.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? No

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Atrocious (2010)

When Spanish police discover a crime scene in which a family has been brutally murdered, they turn their attention to the most riveting evidence -- 37 hours of videotape. Soon, new evidence comes to light that there may be more victims.

In Spain, two siblings are staying at their with their parents at their old home for the weekend. They have heard the story of Melinda, a young woman who's vengeful ghost stalks the forest and wishing well behind the house. The siblings have a web-show in which they debunk paranormal activity, so they each have a camera and proceed to film both their stay and their search for Melinda.

Not that you're going to watch this crap, but in case you are even thinking of it, let me save you some time:

Nothing happens.

It was an hr plus, of nothing happening, but in Spanish.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Eventually, but not on screen
Explosions? Of subtitled boredom
Nudity? Nope.

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Quick Hits #29

Flick's Quick Hits - Rapid fire reviews and thoughts on a few movies at once.

Featuring: Vampire Wars, See No Evil, Children of the Corn, Combustible Campus Guardress

	Vampire Wars (1991) - In this anime flick, a freelance "cop" works for the French authorities and investigates what appears to be an isolated case of vampirism. He discovers that the master vampire is after the blood of a starlet, who may or may not be human and he protects her for the rest of the flick. At one point, he gets into a fist fight with said vampire. Meh. If I wasn't up late, I probably would have skipped it.
	See No Evil aka Eye Scream Man (2006) - In this so bad its actually decent low-budget flick, criminal teens are terrorized by a maniac as they attempt to clean an abandoned hotel. WWE's Kane, (who is seriously a monster of a man,) stars as the maniac in this flick. Christina Vidal plays the token latina and sole reason to watch this dud.(unless you're a horror junkie.) Outside of Kane collecting eyeballs, there's nothing about this movie that sets it apart from others like it. Watch with company (and beer) as that always makes the bad times more enjoyable. Out of 10? 5
	Combustible Campus Guardress (1994) - In CCG, Demons are threatening to open the dark gate and take over the world. The only thing that can stop them are the High School students who are the guardians of that gate. CCG is an anime series that I would recommend to those who are into the genre. There's also plenty of humor and panty shots to lighten the mood but outside of that, I'd say pass. Its an older anime and thus lacks any of the visuals that you'd see nowadays.
	Children of the Corn (1984) -  Sadly light on the creepy children and we all know that creepy children can make (or break) a movie. We only saw them when they were directed to attack. Personally, anytime I hear of someone named either Isaac or Malachi, I keeps it moving. Unfortunately, (for them) our protagonists aren't me, and don't heed such an obvious warning. Best part: After knocking out one of the killer kids, it is asked "what do we do now?" The response, "Send her a get well card." As they laugh and walk away. Loved it. Those fucking Stephen King movies, they always fall apart in the end.

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Last exorcism (2010)

A troubled evangelical minister agrees to let his last exorcism be filmed by a documentary crew.

Basically, a preacher who has lost his faith begins to practice exorcisms for cash. His exorcisms are elaborate ruses and he allowed a crew to film him to help show that demonic possession is not real. Then he comes across a girl who's demons are real...or are they?

In one of the more entertaining parts of the movie, Reverend Cotton, bets the filmmaker that he can preach a recipe for Banana Bread. Then he hilariously follows through. With none the wiser. Embedding is disabled, but you can catch that wonderful clip here.

Thank God. We've got Banana Bread at last!

Overall, This movie was decent. Not good. Not shitty, but decent. And it fucks with you. Or at the least leaves unanswered questions and thats why I can't really like it.

The possessed girl is creepy as fuck though. and when shit gets real, it way too late in the movie to matter. I was confused. There were loose ends. Or maybe I just didn't get it? The Last Exorcism. Again, decent flick. Genuine creepy moments and atmosphere. Many loose ends. watch at your own peril.

Out of 10? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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The Woman In Black (2012)

A young lawyer travels to a remote village where he discovers the vengeful ghost of a scorned woman is terrorizing the locals.

Harry potter is investigating an estate for insurance purposes. The town folk try to passively aggressively warn him away. He goes, a mysterious woman in black appears and kids start killing themselves. As his son is due to visit later in the week, he sets out to solve the mystery and save the town.

Minus spoilers, that's the film in a nutshell. I'm still trying to figure out what happened or even if this is worth writing about further.

Spoiler Alert:

It isn't.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Nine Dead (2010)

A masked man has kidnapped 9 strangers. He tells them that there's a reason they're all locked in that room and he'll return every ten minutes and kill one of them until they figure it out. If they do, he'll willingly turn himself in and confess to everything he's done and has planned to do.

Film starts with the villain taking final precautions to ensure the evening goes according to plan and The Nine potential victims include a black guy, a gay guy, a priest, and an asian. (It's like Saw, but not.) From there, It's all dicking and farting around until the first ten minutes pass. Once the killing starts, and they realize that tits dude is serious, they start to access their brainpower figure out what they did to this guy and why is he so pissed that they ended up in that room.

It a diversity full ho--Oh no, She peed her pants.

Stray Quotage:

• "You can be a real asshole when you want to be!"
• "What language is she speaking?"
         "I don't know but it's annoying!"
• "That's fascinating. Any other useless facts you want to add?"
• "You're one tall drink of water."
          "Oh, so you're turning gay now?" 
• "I've got 8 minutes to live. I'm not worried about you bitches."
• "You're not a father. You're a dick! Literally."

Melissa Joan Hart does not belong in a movie like this. Her voice is way too cheery for a movie this dark. It stands out and it pulls you away from the flick. She's still hot though. Aside from her, my only other gripes:

1.  Before they die, he tells them why they are there. They tend to simply nod in understanding, yet don't get why don't they just blurt out what he said. Seriously, that shit is retarded.
2. How exactly did the killer find out exactly what everyone did and when? 

Outside of that, Nine Dead is a decent film that comes together towards the end, then fumbles at the 2yrd line. Ultimately, this is a rare case of the star actually hurting the final product.

Who Farted?

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Candyman (1992)

While researching urban myths, grad student Helen Lyle learns about the Candyman, a hook-handed creature who's said to haunt a Chicago housing project.The Candyman is made flesh by other people's belief in him. Not surprisingly, Lyle manages to summon him and soon, the Candyman has committed a series of murders, and the cops are holding Lyle responsible.

The general theory is that Urban Legends are not real. Since she's working on her thesis, Helen begins to investigate the Candyman urban legend, to disprove it's validity. There's a wise old janitor who claims she knows about the Candyman, and puts Helen on the right path. Of course no one outside of the projects believes the myth, but as she investigates the latest victim told to her by the janitor, she begins to find truth to the story.

An Urban Legend about a Black guy who kills people?...N-Word, Please!

The story of candyman is revealed by a rival colleague. He was the son of a slave, well educated and a talented artist. After impregnating the daughter of a wealthy landowner, he was chased out of town. Eventually caught, his hand was cut off, his body was smeared with honey and he was stung to death by bees. They then burned his body and scattered his ashes over the future site of the projects where conveniently, the killings have mostly occurred. At the projects, some dude pretending to be Candyman shows up and gives her the business. Turns out he's a local drug lord and using the story to increase his rep. Also, apparently White women have super healing powers as she recovered from a nasty swollen eye in a day. She's leaving work and wearing dark sunglasses in a parking lot (Rule # 10.) When we finally get to meet Candyman for real.

Tony Todd is creepy as fuck. He was the perfect choice for this role.

Candyman apparently needs Helen to believe. Since Her investigations were threatening his myth, he appeared before her to force her to believe and Seriously, Candyman fucks her shit up. At least three times, He showed up and begged her to be a victim. She, of course, refuses and blacks out and when she comes to, she's covered in blood and holding a weapon and the cops are there. Guns drawn. Hilarious. After a while she ends up at at a mental institution for her troubles and eventually escapes, only to find her husband cavorting with a student. Kind of a scumbag move on his part, but hey, she was going away for life. With nothing left to lose, Helen goes to the Candyman's lair to try and kill him. She barely makes it out alive, but dies soon after and continues his work as a vengeful spirit.

His legend is what keeps him remembered, but when I sit back and think about it, Candyman has been haunting the same area since the slavery days. He's not a mindless killer just vain and aimless.

As the legend goes, If you look in the mirror and say his name 5x, he appears and guts you from groin to gullet. But why? For what purpose? Another question, How can he attack and kill the people who haven't summoned him?

Outside of all of that, Candyman was one of the more/most successful urban supernatural killer films. I didn't feel it was that coherent, but it's an older film so I can't judge it. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Helen got some big ass titties.

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Rammbock Berlin Undead (2010)

Just when Michael arrives in Berlin to visit his ex-girlfriend Gabi, a terrible virus starts spreading across the city at a rapid pace, turning people into mindless homicidal maniacs. Much to Michael's concern, Gabi's not home; instead, he meets Harper, a teenage plumber's apprentice at work in her apartment block. Together, they manage to barricade themselves when raging hordes of infected people swarm the building. Surrounded by these thirsty zombies, Michael and Harper have their hands full to survive - and it will take all of their ingenuity to make their way out to try and find Gabi.

This movie amounted to nothing.

Nothing. Happened.

There were no creative or inventive kills and there was no character development. Just a few people, trapped in an apartment complex, looking for a way out.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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