James and the Giant Peach (1996)

***An iCheckMovies listed movie Review*** 

An orphan with terrible aunts for guardians, befriends human like bugs who live inside a giant peach, who take the boy on a journey to New York City.

He's given a bag of magic crocodile tongues by a creepy stranger and told that they will help him get to New York City. He is cautioned not to spill or lose the bag which he immediately does and it's magic causes a peach to grow. Eventually he crawls inside and it shrinks him with it's magic. He meets insects who help the peach to set sail and soon he's on his way to NYC with his new friends.

So I'm sitting here watching this film like, isn't it supposed to be animated? It took a while but we finally got there.
 
My final thought was that I might have enjoyed this had I watched it as a child, but as an adult it just made me wish that I had developed fetal alcohol syndrome.

I'm not saying anything else about it.This movie sucked. Hard.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)

What happens when a fast-food chicken franchise is built on a sacred Native American burial site rife with restless spirits? Zombie chickens! Now it's up to high school grad Arbie, to find a way to destroy the featherless fiends.

Movies open with teens banging in an Indian burial ground. Wendy promises Arbie that college will never change her. A year later, he returns to the make out spot only to find that it has since been bulldozed and an American Chicken Bunker has been built on top. A large group of people are protesting the restaurant, upset with the treatment of both the burial ground and the chickens that go into their product.

At the protest, not only does Arbie reconnect with Wendy, he discovers that she is also a lesbian. Out of spite, he gets a job at the restaurant looking for revenge. Once there, he discovers that the Indians and the chickens are seeking revenge as well and the tainted chicken manages to turn people into chicken zombies.


Poultrygeist is a Low budget Tromaville horror/comedy/ musical. I would say it's mildly offensive, but that would be generous. I think you'd have to search to find the line this film didn't cross yet I found it surprisingly funny. Even the musical numbers hit the comedy notes.
Tromaville movies are not for everyone, but Poultrygeist kinda works. It does drag towards the end, but it's decent good before it gets to that point.


Stray Quotage:

-You're the best dry humper I'm the school
    Yeah, that's what the basketball team says.

-you're the counter girl.
     Counter girl?
-Just a little nickname we have here.
     Oh okay.
-Cool. I'll get your skirt.

-How can I ever love someone who wants me to eat cock?!

-Would you stick around if you shit up a bathroom this bad?!

-There hasn't been such a dangerous combination of chicken and Indian since the creation of Tandoori.



I am a fan of originality, and of all the zombie films, chicken zombies are definitely original.

 

Out of Ten? 6.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

When the four boys see an R-rated movie featuring Canadians Terrance & Phillip, they are pronounced "corrupted", and their parents pressure the United States to wage war against Canada.

After the boys sneak away to watch the new Terrance and Phillip movie, they come away with a new vocabulary. Soon all the children are just as crass, much to the chagrin of the adults. Displeased with their new vulgarity, their mothers form a group, intent on taking out the two comedians who they deem responsible for corrupting American youths. In their quests to rid the world of the very Canadian Terrance and Phillip, they have started a war, one between the United States and Canada. In Hell, Satan and Saddam Hussein are plotting to take over the world. Once the blood of Terrance and Phillip are spilled, it will be the 7th sign and bring about the Apocalypse.

The boys will have to save their heroes, end a war, prevent an apocalypse and find the clitoris all within an hour and a half.

Stray Quotage:

• "Kyle, All the times I called you a big dumb Jew, I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew."
        "But I am, Cartman. I am a Jew!"
  "No, no. Don't be so hard on yourself."
• "Operation Get Behind the Darkies"
• "Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear!"
• "Ahem. Fuck Canada!"
• How would you like, to suck mah balls. Mr. Garrison? 
• "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Out of Ten? 10

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Sweeney Todd - 2010

The infamous story of Benjamin Barker, a.k.a Sweeney Todd, who sets up a barber shop down in London which is the basis for a sinister partnership with his fellow tenant, Mrs. Lovett. Based on the hit Broadway musical.

Sweeney Todd is a movie based on a musical based on the story of The Barber of Seville. At it's core, it is a Count of Monte Christo type revenge story. After being betrayed and left for dead, he comes back with a new look and revenge on his mind. 

Benjamin Barker finds forbidden love...and he gets his satisfaction

I went into this film with a little trepidation. It's a fucking musical. Whenever someone brought up Sweeney Todd, my thought process upon hearing that the entire cast gets to sing: "You mean Captain Jack and Severus Snape actually sing in this film! That's fucking awesome!" Truth is, that's definitely not a selling point. I don't know why people are so insistent on this film.

Surprisingly, their singing wasn't that bad. It helped that there was enough balance between the singing and acting for these heavyweights to push the film forward with their natural talent. Honestly, their dramatic talent far outweighed their singing ability. Thankfully.

They're cooking people!!  Soylent Green is people!!

Out of Ten? 7.5

I'm a bit biased because I like Johnny Depp but Sweeney Todd doesn't score higher than this.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Hamlet 2

Dana Marschz is a failed actor and recovering alcoholic who's moved to Tucson to teach high school drama, where he's plagued by bad reviews, student indifference, budget woes (he and his wife, who is trying to get pregnant, take in a boarder), and his own teaching limitations. Because the other electives are closed, he finds himself with a large class of seeming gang-bangers, and the principal informs him that drama will be cut next trimester. On the advice of a student reviewer, Dana decides to stage his own play, a sequel to "Hamlet" in which the prince and Jesus, with the use of a time machine, try to save Gertrude and Ophelia. Can Dana for once pull something off?

How can you make a sequel to Hamlet? Everyone died at the end.
The answer is simple: Time machines + Jesus.

When I first sat down to watch Hamlet 2, I didn't know what to expect.  But what I got was a pretty sharp comedy with a catchy musical number. Everyone gives their all to make this work and the result is a solid piece of work. I enjoyed it so I figure someone else will as well.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Nope
Explosions? Of Drama
Nudity? No

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The Phantom of the Opera

 

Poster via (Imp Awards)

The Phantom of the Opera is Andrew Lloyd Weber's movie version of the hit musical that had been successfully playing Broadway. But this is the thing, musicals are not my scene. So I basically passed on this flick for years. But I picked it up out of curiosity. After seeing Sweeney Todd, I figured one more musical couldn't hurt. And truthfully, it didn't.

I thought the movie was decent and well done. Nearly every scene with the Phantom (when he wasn't singing) was actually pretty good. What I didn't agree with was the length. I thought the characters were good and played their roles as good as can be expected given the source material.

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Trapped In The Closet (1-22)

I don't know what I can say about this ridiculous hip-hopera.  I sat through all 22 chapters in one sitting and the longer it went on, the more interesting it became. You know that Aristocrats joke that gets worse and worse and as it goes on, it actually become funny? That's Trapped in the Closet in a nutshell. By the end, you're actually upset that its done.

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