Let me tell you something. If I see Mike Tyson, I'm crossing the street. If I see a cross bred Shin Akuma/Mike Tyson creature, I'm crossing state lines. I want nothing to do with that.
Shin Tyson
Let me tell you something. If I see Mike Tyson, I'm crossing the street. If I see a cross bred Shin Akuma/Mike Tyson creature, I'm crossing state lines. I want nothing to do with that.
The Shit Farm
So I was on the train the other day...
...and as I sat in a two-seater, there were two older women to my left and a young African male on the other side. Maybe 2 stops into the ride, the older ladies say to each other, "Do you smell that? Something smells like shit." Now, I hadn't smelled it until they pointed it out, but when I did, I made a move to smell myself and they said, "No, its not you baby. Its him. (pointing at the African) Someone needs to tell him about deodorant. He smells like he grew up on a shit farm." The other woman put in her two cents with, "He smells like he washes with a bar of shit."
Fighting back laughter I thought to myself, "Shit on a rope? Man, old people are vicious." By the time they finished ripping into him, all the African dude could do was slump into his seat and drop his head. Hurt.
I was hurt for him.
OOhhh That's Naaasty.
Black Rock (2012)
Three women's vacation on a remote island turns into a nightmare when they realize a sinister neighbor doesn't appreciate their presence.
The Cast:
- Abby, Lou & Sarah - Three former bffs who are trying to rekindle their friendship with a relaxing weekend in the woods.
- Henry, Derek & Alex - Three men from the nearby town, who's animal hunt turns into a hunt for vagina
The Situation:
After making friends and mingling, one of the women "accidentally" kills one of the men when he decides it's time for the raping. This act triggers the PTSD in the other two guys, who are former war vets, and they decide get revenge...with their guns.
------------------------------------------
Katie Aselton, (due to her work in The League), is one of my favorite actresses, and I practically jumped at this film when I saw that not only was she in it, she directed it as well. Much to my surprise though, she is also credited with writing the story. Shit I think she was the casting director too, as there's a part where both she and Lake Bell end up Butt-Ass Nekkid and knowing Katie, she probably only added that scene and cast Lake Bell in that role so that we can see Lake Bell's fantastic rack. God Bless Katie Aselton. The only real dark spot on this tale however, is Kate Bosworth. From where did they dig her up? Kate Bosworth hasn't been relevant since Blue Crush and honestly, calling her relevant at all is pretty fucking generous on my part.
Outside of that, Black Rock is decent. Simply decent and nothing more. A popcorn thriller starring three feuding ladies who find themselves in a bind and are forced to come together to deal with a deadly threat. It could have probably been a bit better than it was, but it wasn't terrible, (as far as films like these go.)
Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes
Jizz Hands or Spirit Fingered
So I was on the train the other day...
...and as the train is sitting in the station, everyone notices two guys break into and enter the conductor booth. They soon become an after thought, until about 30 minutes later when the conductor stops the train and orders them out.
Here's the thing:, when they exited, 3 guys came out of the booth. Laughing.
Yes, you read that right. 3 dudes. exited where 2 went in (literally).
No one had any idea how and when the 3rd man got into the booth, but seeing them exiting, one of the other passengers shrugged and remarked to another, "Butt-sex."
Buttsex indeed.
So This Hapened...
Took a phone call the other day and this was the Caller ID:
Turns out this is the new way for telemarketers to reach you even if you're on the Do Not Call list. It's genius if you think about it. How can you get in trouble if no one knows your number?...
Alone With Her (2006)
A coffee shop waitress has a secret admirer who's been filming her with surveillance equipment, first from afar and then at much closer range.
The Cast:
- Amy - Our heroine. Secretly watched masturbation bait.
- Doug - His name may not be real but his hidden cameras are.
- Jen -Snowflake Bff. Sniffs out the ruse and gets snuffed out for her troubles
The Situation:
After falling for a woman who he feels is perfect for him, Doug quickly begins to become obsessed. What starts off as harmless infatuation, becomes darker as he uses hidden cameras to learn her inner most secrets and desires with plans to use them to win her over. Because she should love him. Because they are perfect for each other! Why won't she love him?!!!!
Alone with her is a voyeuristic thriller starring the foxy Ana Claudia Talancon, and the perfect casting choice of Colin Hanks as her creepy stalker. It isn't the greatest movie ever, far from it, but it is decently entertaining (until the third act at least) and she was kind enough to grace us with full frontal (a few times).
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't truly interested in thrillers and low budget films like these. It is an interesting and for the most part original concept, but it really isn't everyone's cup of tea.
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes
.
It's a Rap
So I was on the train the other day...
...and riding uptown, 3 Latino dudes notice a man of the negro persuasion wearing a pair of headphones and rapping to himself. They approach him and ask him where he's from, what he's listening to, if he likes rap and if he freestyles. After a hesitant response, he answers wondering what they want.
5 minutes of conversation later, they drop the bomb. They also freestyle and they want a freestyle rap contest. He agrees, they get a random white dude to judge, and after that, it was on.
From where I sat, it looked like a fierce battle. But all I could think about was 8 Mile starring Parappa The Rapper.
The Grossness
They say a picture says 1,000 words.
This is shit I deal with on an almost daily basis:
Take a look at the condition in which one of our BBs was returned:
Seriously?
The Bad Touch
So I was on the train the other day...
...and while conversing with a friend, the train suddenly goes silent. This usually means one of two things either the train is stalled, or there's going to be a fight. This night, it was a fight. As it turns out, there was a woman of the "ghetto persuasion," sitting in a two-seater with her kid. Thing is, she was only occupying one seat as he was laying on her, her son's feet were in the 2nd seat. An older woman comes along and moves the kids legs and sits in the seat. This enrages the parent, who begins to berate this woman:
Parent: "What the fuck? Did you just touch my kid? Why the Fuck, would you touch my kid?"
Older woman: "Well he was barely in the seat, and laying on you. Essentially the seat was free."
Parent: "I don't give a fuck! You don't ever touch my kid! You don't ever touch anyone's kid! Who the fuck, do you think you are? What the fuck is your problem?!
Older Woman: Well he needed to move. Law states--
Parent: Bitch, i don't give a fuck about the law! I will fuck you up if you try some stupid shit like that again! you hear me bitch! I will fuck you up!
Older woman: (says something to her husband)
Parent: is that your husband? I don't give a fuck! I will fuck him up too!
After the hood woman exits the train, the older woman wants to talk smack. Someone yells out, "why didn't you say that shit when she was here?" and everyone within earshot is laughing.
Haunter (2013)
Putting a new spin on spooky, the haunted soul in this film--15 year old Lisa--is long dead, and the ghost she senses is a flesh-and-blood teen.Our central character is Lisa Johnson, a typical suburban teen. Snotty, angsty, and pretty much apathetic. After her parents sit her down for a talk, she reveals to them that they are living in what appears to be a time loop. Of course they don't believe her, which also explains her attitude.
While doing the laundry, she appears to have seen a ghost and as the strange occurrences multiply, she believes the place to be haunted. As she starts to dig deeper into the mystery, Lisa makes contact with a living teen, Olivia, who begs for help as she's desperately trying to convince her family that the house isn't safe. Lisa then races to solve the mystery of the house before it claims another family.
--------
"In a twist, a dead girl finds herself haunted by the living." What a great premise! Think about it, what if the living are haunting the dead? How exactly would that play out? Definitely an interesting concept.
I thought the film was going to be a haunting from the ghosts' pov, with a "big" reveal in the end, but they let on pretty early that Lisa was already dead. What we got instead was a murder mystery told from the side of a dead girl, who is trying to prevent history from repeating itself.
Haunter is secretly entertaining and one of the better films to go into blind. I only have two gripes:
1. When Lisa first thought she was being haunted, she immediately pulled out a Ouija board from her attic:
Why is it that when white people feel their place is haunted they go straight to the Ouija board. Do all white people have ouija boards on their houses? Is that a thing?
2. The house has claimed a number of victims through the years and they've all died seemingly in the same manner. The way they were portrayed though, each family lived the same way as well. The youngest child playing video games, the mother oblivious, the father turning and the oldest child not feeling good about the situation. It was weird, in the sense of, "just how much control does this house have?"
Outside of that, good movie. Very engaging and well put together.
Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No
Cheerleader Massacre II (2009)
A masked maniac attacks a cheerleading squad on their way to the state championships. Now the busty babes have to fight for the title and their lives.Cheerleader Massacre 2 was and is just about everything I want in a bullshit slasher flick. Bad dialogue, lame plot and super gratuitous nudity. There's only like twelve scenes where the girls are fully clothed.
As for the flimsy plot, a team of cheerleaders head to camp for the annual cheer competition. One by one people are picked off by what appear to be murdering robots from the future.
That makes no sense, but with so much gratuitous nudity and bloodshed. None of that has to make any sense. Honestly, I would normally not even acknowledge this film, but if you're in the mood for TnA, Cheerleader Massacre 2, is for you.
Violence? Yes
Explosions? On screen or In my pants?
Nudity? I'd say a fair amount.
Explosions? On screen or In my pants?
Nudity? I'd say a fair amount.
Fists & Chips
So I was on the train the other day...
...riding
downtown, and a homeless woman arrived in the car. She walked for a bit,
sat next to an older Spanish woman and opened a bag of potato chips.
When she finished, she let out anguished scream and attacked the lady, hitting
her with the empty bag. With all the reflexes of a fat jungle cat, the
older woman quickly fled to another seat.
After the attack, the homeless woman began to have a full on nervous breakdown; Sobbing, wailing, sniffling, and even cry-choking. While this was happening, another passenger runs over to where the older woman was now seated. "Did she hit you?!," she asked twice, but either from shame, fear or shock, she never got a response.
The hobo, for her part, cried until she got off the train and even then, as we were pulling away from the station we could still see her crying and yelling to herself.
Recess: Taking the Fifth Grade(2003)
Fans of the Recess gang can follow along as the kids graduate from the fourth grade to the fifth, all while learning about friendship and growing up.
Recess: Taking The Fifth Grade is a movie containing three interconnected stories, starring the cast of one of the greatest animated series of all time. The common thread being friendship, humility, and being a kid in a world where adults have long forgotten how.
In Story One:
The kids come back to school as fifth graders, excited to take on the world.
Much to their dismay, they discover that for some odd reason, The Board of Education has decided that irrational changes were necessary and those changes included removing their favorite teacher, replacing their lockers with motivational posters, replacing their lunch with "nutritious paste" and heartbreakingly, ending recess.
Much to their dismay, they discover that for some odd reason, The Board of Education has decided that irrational changes were necessary and those changes included removing their favorite teacher, replacing their lockers with motivational posters, replacing their lunch with "nutritious paste" and heartbreakingly, ending recess.
Fed up with the bullshit, T.J. decides he will take no more and barricades himself in his room, declaring that he will no longer go to school out of protest of the changes. His protest soon gains traction with the rest of the school and eventually the adults come to their senses and see the error of their ways.
In Story Two:
Now playground heroes, T.J. and the gang are requested to meet with King Fred, the new Big Chief, who inducts them into the super secret fifth and sixth grade club, a place where ALL of the fifth and sixth graders can relax and shit on the stupid kids that are younger than them.
Finally feeling accepted, they nearly lose Gus and Mikey to gluttony, temptation and ignorance, but TJ, Gretchen, Vince and Spinelli manage to snap them out of it by reminding them they are good people, who are in danger of losing their way.
In Story Three:
It's Halloween, and Spinelli, who is usually the biggest Halloween nut, suddenly feels that she's too old for Halloween, and her cynicism begins to ruin it for the gang. When she gets her spirit back, she sets out to right her wrongs and prove that you're never too old for Halloween
Recess was a great show. I think it cracks my top ten, definitely top 20 at least. But one thing bugs me about this film, maybe it's because I'm watching it now, but the voices don't sound the same. Like something feels/sounds off. It's not a huge deal, but still, it's distracting.
Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No
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