A Serbian Film (2010)

An aging porn star agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to make a clean break from the business, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia and necrophilia themed snuff film.

They say that a picture is worth 1000 words. And  honestly, there are no words that could accurately  describe this film and I don't even think that pictures can't do it. So I'm going with gifs. A Serbian film is wild, crazy, and all types of fucked up. These were my reactions while watching as told through the only person sassy enough to do so, Miss Jay Alexander:


I had heard that this film was crazy. So at first I was all:

Then I was like, I got this

Then it got bad:

Then it started to get out of hand:

And I'm all:

Then it got worse and I was like: 

He finally has enough and sets out for revenge:

Then it gets bad, again:

I did it, I made it to the end:

So I thought. But there was more:

Then that last scene had me all:

By the end credits, I was like:

Seriously, I've seen a lot of shit. But I've never seen anything like this and I don't think I'll ever watch it again. This film is beyond rough. Watch at your own peril. Shit gets real, and shit gets wild.

Violence? Sexual
Explosions? Of sex
Nudity? All movie.

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Orphan Black (2013)

Imagine if you were walking down a street and saw your exact duplicate as they killed themselves. What would you do? If you were looking for a way out, you'd assume their identity and use the opportunity as a means to escape. What you may find however is that there is no real escape; You've just jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Thus goes the story of Sarah Manning a.k.a. Orphan Black.
Sarah was a street urchin, a con woman in an abusive relationship who was just looking for a way to gain custody of her daughter and escape that life. She assumes the identity of Beth Childs, and gets more than she bargained for when she learns that Beth was a cop who may or may not be dirty, but definitely has some secrets. As Beth, she learns that there are 9 other women who are her but with completely different lives.

Orphan Black is crazy. I really didn't think this show would be that good. Shit is crazy. How do you watch yourself die twice in a week, pretend to be you as a cop, chase down and nearly kill an assassin that is you and imitate a suburban clean cut version of yourself all within the span of a month?

It seems like a lot, but everything is actually well thought out and more importantly, it's presented in a way that's intriguing, clear, concise and gripping. Orphan Black will not be the best Sci-fi show you'll see, but it's damned good. Plus there's a sassy gay guy, a former military contractor and a shadow org that intends to "clean things."

I think the girl that plays Sarah does all her clones (otherwise that is simply incredible casting) and she does an amazing job. Each character is completely different, from their speech patterns to their body movements to how they interact with other people. Even when she pretends to be one of the others it seems as if she's trying to be something she isn't. I'm blown away by her performance and dare I say it, I think she's earned a fan.

Enough gushing, here's are some videos


The Trailer:

Bad girls do it well:

Who are you really?:

Behind the Scenes:

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Drool (2009)

After starting a romance with her female neighbor, housewife Anora accidentally shoots her abusive husband and takes a road trip with her new lover.

Anora, a southern housewife in an abusive relationship begins to fall for her neighbor, a sexy upbeat cosmetics saleswoman named Imogene. As they grow closer, her husband Cheb, reminds us that this is the South by smashing a beer and forbidding her from having "any niggers in his fucking house!" A few days later he, stumbles home drunk and finds them making out. He immediately goes for his gun and in the fracas, she shoots him dead.

Imogene helps her pack up the body and they gather up the kids and go on a trip to take care of the body. Along the way, they all grow closer and by the end, they have a good old fashioned southern seafood dinner and decide to stay longer, realizing that they wouldn't have left the town or known anything else if it wasn't for his death.

A few things:

1 - The plot summary says "Accidentally." GTFOH, she emptied the clip into him. That was no accident. Oh wait, maybe she had a seizure while holding the gun. Yeah, that's what happened...

2 - I'm not a fan of how the southern negro female is portrayed as so aloof and super bubbly.

3 - Drool opens with a proposal. A guy tells a girl that he had a dream about her blowing him on the grass beneath a tree in a field. He begs her to make his dream come true. Naturally, she says yes, because she's a teen and what proper woman could refuse?

4 - When they arrive at their destination, they find a mini cemetery. Suggesting that this may not be the first body Imogene has helped to bury.

5 - Jill Marie Jones is sexy. Jill Marie Jones in all of that makeup is not:

Drool is basically a story of addition by subtraction. Someone overbearing had to die, for everyone else to live. It was pretty good for what it was. Again, I really was not feeling the magical happy bubbly southern negress thing they had going, but it didn't really affect the film too much.

Violence? Eh
Explosions? No
Nudity? No. Smh

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Kitchen Nightmares

Kitchen Nightmares has become my official guilty pleasure show. I still think reality shows are stupid, but there's something about this one that draws me in.

In case you were wondering, there is not much of a difference between the British and US versions. The US version puts on that reality show sheen while the British version is more of a regular TV show and in line with what Gordon preaches: "Simple is Better."

Speaking of simple, The narrative is just that and stays the same across the pond:

[Somewhere, there is a restaurant that is failing, Gordon Ramsey answers their call for help, butts heads with the chef/owner, says "Fuck," a lot, changes the decor and eventually everyone triumphs. (At least for a night.) and all of this happens within a week.]

They never stray from the formula and after he leaves, it's up to the restaurants themselves to keep up their successes. I find myself surprisingly interested in the fate of these places.

People love to hate him because no one wants to cheer for assholes and I'm favorably biased towards competent assholes so I like him. Here's the thing you need to accept about Gordon Ramsay, he is the way he is because:

1. He has to be. These people have been coddled and are living in their own world. They've never heard any criticism or taken it well and sometimes tough love is the only way to get through to someone and tell them to stop being so goddamn stubborn.


2. He knows his shit. Anyone would be hard pressed to argue with his track record/body of work. So why don't they deserve to be called out when they do?


3. He could just go away and sleep on a bed of money. He payed his dues and he owes no one anything yet takes time from his own schedule to legitimately help falling business get back on track. He genuinely cares. (or he's the greatest actor ever)


4. He's effective. Obviously he knows what he's talking about so why give him shit for helping (So what if it is in a non PC way)?

He's an asshole with a heart of gold (at least that's how he presents himself) but the fact of the matter is: Your personality/actions will almost always be excused if you know what the fuck you're talking about. Would you take shit from the people you've decided to help? Especially if you're paying them to let you help?

Anyway here are some goodies:

Bonus: A clip from the recently aired Amys Restaurant, the only place he's ever walked out on.

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Man of Steel (2013)

A young itinerant worker is forced to confront his secret extraterrestrial heritage when Earth is invaded by members of his race.

Quick Synopsis: 

The Planet Krypton is due to explode. As Jor-El's attempts to warn everyone fall on deaf ears, he makes plans to send his only son off of the planet in a desperate bid to save his life and the spirit of his people. During the chaos, General Zod plans a coup but is quickly put down and shipped off to the Phantom Zone, where Kryptonian prisoners are kept. He is freed after the planet explodes and attempts to track down Jor-El's son, Kal-El as he was also given a device which can resurrect his people. Zod plans to use the device and transform Earth into New Krypton. It's up to Kal-El, now living as Clark Kent, to suit up and defend himself and his home.

Fist Pump for Merica! Fist Pump, for all that is holy!

The Cast:

An all star cast heads up this retelling of the story of Superman. Russell Crowe, Laurence Fishbourne, Kevin Costner all have roles. Mainly as I imagine, to bolster the studios confidence in Zack Snyder and to put more asses in seats.

Russell Crowe was chewing scenery. He was only in the film for like 30 min in total, yet managed to steal the show. I walked away impressed.

I predicted that Kevin Costner would have a small and un-impactful role and that was true in the grand scheme of things. He is influential to the character, but doesn't take away from the film. He even gets a Big Damn Hero moment, which although forced, justifies his existence. Still, Fuck Kevin Costner.

Laurence Fishbourne was Perry White. That is a big change and signifies how serious this movie attempted to be. But it looked like he was furiously trying to hold in a fart every time he was on screen. Must have been all that scenery he was chewing.

Henry Cavill is Fucking. Huge. Dude was not that big in Immortals. They never even showed how he got that big either. Through the numerous flashbacks, one of them could have shown him in the gym at least. He all over there making dudes feel all inadequate and shit.

Super Premium Beef!

There were major and minor tweaks to the Superman mythos were made as they managed to nudge the story into the modern era and somewhere closer to reality, as far as super hero films go. A lot of the back story was told through flashbacks. (Seamlessly I might add.) But I feel like there's like nowhere left for the story to go. I know there will be a sequel, but why? They covered just about his entire story in this flick. I guess Lex Luthor, Darkseid and Doomsday are options, but still. (Hi, part time comic nerd. Nice to meet you!)


Other shit worth pointing out: 

The movie itself has multiple plot holes, two of which are the most blatant: 

If Zod was so intent on keeping Kryptonians alive, why not work beside Superman? Especially after Superman showed him how to adjust and focus his senses. Why kill off all of your people in an unnecessary attempt to terraform the planet? Just because he's a villain, does not mean he has to cut off his nose to spite his face.

If he is weak on Krypton, and those machines are trying to turn Earth into Krypton, wouldn't he grow weak as he got closer to the machines? This was even pointed out by Lois during the film. His response? "Maybe." What actually happened was that Dude developed bronchitis as he got closer to the machines. Even Sweet Brown is like "For Fuck's sake Superman, the world is at stake! Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Oh word? You just gonna pan the camera down and show my feet swinging?! 

Ma Kent gets interrogated by Zod and refuses to give up any info. When she's grabbed up by his lieutenant, she quickly changes her tune once choking gets involved and folds faster than a Korean dry cleaner. Ohh shit, we choking?! What you're looking for is over there!

He goes to work with the same people who he rescued but they don't recognize him because He
hides behind hipster glasses. (That's the one thing I wished they would have changed.)

The End:



Man of Steel has been described as a serious superhero film. I don't disagree. However, I knew from the time it was announced that it would be something I would not rush to see. It is a good superhero movie though and Zack Snyders visuals are amazing. Unlike James Cameron, he can tell a decent story, but I wasn't wowed overall.

 
Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Super Baby Dick

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The Purge (2013)

 

A family is held hostage for harboring the target of a murderous syndicate during the Purge, a 12-hour period in which any and all crime is legalized.

On Purge Day, the family is locked safely inside of their home watching the events unfold. As a man appears and screams for help, their teenage son opens the shutters and harbors him inside the house. The people chasing him, -led by the delightfully creepy Rhys Wakefield- have given them an ultimatum: "bring him out or we come in and kill you all."

The movie gets so much better once they get in, but before and even after then it just feels off. 

Once they're in though, Ethan Hawk grabs a shotgun and goes to work. That was cool, but if anyone should have been purged, it should have been his son. At the least, he should have had his ass beat. He was responsible for all of their drama and got away with no one calling him out.

Shit, don't even get me started on the daughters subplot...

Not much is fully explained and The Purge isn't the type of film where you can get away with that shit. Who are the New Founding Fathers? Why did we need them? For a guy working in security, why does he have so many guns? Most importantly, why and how the fuck does his son know the unlock code for his security system?

Too many questions does not a good movie make. All respect given to an original film, but fuck the Purge. What started as an exercise in originality became a film awash in poor execution.


Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Monster Squad (1987)

So, for people like me who haven't seen this, Dracula assembles a team of monsters, consisting of himself,The Mummy, A werewolf, Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. His goal? Take over the world and rule with monsters.

A few kids that have formed a Monster Club at school uncover clues to the current existence of monsters. To that end, they've become the Monster Squad, rationalising that there is no one else who would be able to do anything to help and what brings these two groups together is Van Helsing's journal. The kids have it and the monsters want it. There is also an amulet which balances the forces of good and Evil. Dracula intends to use this to rule the world. The kids have one night to find it and end Draculas threat.

   VS.

The Battle of the Century?

Idk why it took me so Long to watch this movie. Shit, I don't even know how I hadn't heard of it until recently. Dracula forms a team of monsters in an attempt to take over the world? How I say?! How could I have missed this?!?!?! Then it turns out that it was a film that bombed and gained cult status many years later. Knowing that, I don't feel so bad.

Can we talk about some of the characters though?

• Patrick is not a good friend. maybe it's a nervous tick, but he continuously throws his friend under the bus during the opening scene. Funny, but ultimately no bueno.
• Fat Kid a.k.a. Horace. Shit, I think that if my name was Horace, I'd go by Fat Kid too.
• Rudy. You are not a tough guy. You can be. The shades and leather were cool, but you need to lose the socks/jeans/loafers look. Seriously.
• Scary German guy, who the fuck are you? The film alludes to you knowing more than you let on, but just how much is never revealed.
• Dracula is a beast: Pissed that they hit him with a garlic pizza, he brings dynamite and blows up the Monster Squad clubhouse. Then dynamites the only black guy just cuz and bats it up and flies away. Not to mention that at one point he shows up in a classic Black Rolls Royce steps out and only says, "It Begins." (which gives rise to the monsters.) My question is this: When did Dracula learn how to drive and how did he get his own custom car?
  

Stray Quotage:

• The guy was totally homoing out
• In our defense, she's boring and has a cat shaped head so they call her meow mix. I don't because that's bad.
• She's married?! Oh my god! Some guy home kisses her at night?! Like a priest says, "I now pronounce you man and wife" and it was okay with them?!?!
• Your sister doesn't speak German. All she does is hang around the school and let guys touch her tits.
• Sean, that guy creeps me out. Aah he's just on welfare. 
• Wolfman's got nards!!

Stray Obsevations:

• There are a lot of anti Gay remarks. Reminds me of a simpler time in cinema...
• Sean is wearing a "Stephen King Rules" shirt. Love it.
• There's a neat homage to the old Frankenstein films as the Monster ominously walks upon a little Girl playing by herself in grass.
• It's been established that they only had a day to save the world. So why did their montage feel like it spanned a week? They even faded it out so it seemed that more time had passed. I love a good montage though, so it didn't bother me, just feel like pointing it out.

Monster Squad escapes persecution because it's an older film, however I can say that it'd score pretty high. There's comedy, there's action and they even reference classic film lore regarding the monsters. It is the type of film that I kinda wish that I had seen it initially, but I know that I wouldn't have appreciated then it as much as I did now.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Dynamite. Treehouse. Boom.
Nudity? Teased, never delivered.

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Paranormal Activity (Trilogy)

Okay Since Paranormal Activity 4 is out, I figured I'd catch you up on the events of the other three and (because I'm lazy) review them all in one go. The first three movies can be viewed in any order really (the stories are identical) but for clarity, I'll write this up in the series' chronological order.
 

	After moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence. Simply put, Paranormal Activity 1 was something that hadn't been done before. It wasn't scary, but there was a sense of dread and it was very well done. I was definitely impressed with the special effects, and maybe it was the atmosphere, but there were a few scenes that really mess with you. But I feel like you had to watch the film in theaters to get the real experience. Paranormal activity is an solid movie. It isn't scary, but the genius is in the concept and execution and It will leave you sufficiently creeped out. I did not think it would be as good as it was. Plus Katie got some big ass titties.
	After experiencing what they think are a series of "break-ins", a family sets up security cameras around their home, only to realize that the events unfolding before them are more sinister than they seem. Paranormal Activity 2 is a direct prequel. In this one, we follow Kristi, Katie's younger sister, and we learn a bit more about the demon and its motivations. I didn't know what to expect but somehow they managed to both keep me interested and keep the momentum going from the first. It's more or less the same, but this is where the writing took over. They somehow managed to make a sequel that adequately explained the first and created room for a sequel without writing themselves into a corner. Plus Katie still had some big ass titties.
	In 1988, young sisters Katie and Kristi befriend an invisible entity who resides in their home. Paranormal Activity 3 takes it back. To the 80s. In this prequel, we follow the girls as kids and discover the exact reason for the hauntings and the full motives of the demon. It definitely doesn't equal the first, but stays on par with the second. The immediate twist in this film was that the mother was the doubter, with it being the two men in the prequels. The story is again expanded yet it seemed to reach a bit. Even for this series, if it's obvious you're reaching, that's no bueno. With the release of part 3, you can watch the films either in chronological order or in the reverse and still get the full story. That's how well written and interconnected they are. Three was a stretch, but I'm actually interested in seeing how they wrap up the story. Plus Katie's mama got some big ass titties.

All that aside, I feel that the real stars of the film series, are the writers. For four films straight, they had been writing themselves into a corner, only to somehow create enough wiggle room to write themselves out while leaving enough questions unanswered to get you interested in watching the next film. If you can't tell from the scores, I say check out the first Paranormal Activity as that one is actually worth your time. (Be sure to watch it in a dark room in a silent house though.) The other sequels are average. They expand on the storyline created in the first and they work if you want to follow the series.

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Hellboy: Blood and Iron

In 1939, young Professor Bruttenholm destroyed Erzsebet Ondrushko, a female vampire who bathed in the blood of innocents to stay young. Now someone in upstate New York is trying to bring her back, and the elderly Professor Broom has decided to investigate it himself. He takes the top BPRD agents, Hellboy, Liz Sherman and Abe Sapien, who are more worried about his welfare than the return of any vampire.

I'm a fan of the Hellboy movies and I'm thrilled that this movie has the original cast, but for some reason, this film completely bored me. I had trouble staying awake. Had I known it would be that bad, I would have had a drink and live blogged it for my own amusement. But knowing me, I would have just got bored halfway through and quit.


I've already written more than I wanted to.

I'm done.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Thor (2011)

The powerful but arrogant warrior Thor is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders.

I liked Thor. I didn't love it, but I liked it. Thought it was actually very well done and it translated well to those who aren't familiar with the Thor mythos. It had the right balance of comedy and action and stayed true to its roots while relating to those who aren't aware of his roots. As it relates to the upcoming Avengers movie, I like what Marvel is doing with their characters. Except for Spiderman. The Spiderman series was bullshit.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Case 39 (2009)

A social worker fights to save a girl from her abusive parents, only to discover that the situation is more dangerous than she ever expected.

Renee Zeilweger squints her way through this film as a dedicated social worker with 38 active cases before another is dropped on her desk. After reading about Case 39 (Wink. Wink. Nudge), she heads out to do a site visit and meets both the child, Lily, and her parents. After a very awkward and creepy visit, she is convinced that the Lily is in danger and tries to persuade her boss to remove the her from their care.

About a week later, Lily calls her claiming that her parents intend to hurt her and she rushes over just in time to save her. She then adopts her hoping to give her a better life. After some time with her, strange incidents begin to occur and after people start to die, she learns that life with Lily may not be all that it seems.

Case 39 is a better movie than I would have given it credit for. It's a bit like The Omen, in which a child touched by the supernatural can run rampant in a world that only sees them as innocent children. The little girl playing Lily plays both precocious youth and creepy demonic pre-teen and her transitions from one to the other are amazing.

Overall, I'd say it was better than I thought it'd be, and not completely terrible. I actually liked it, and if you asked me about it, I'd say it's good, but I wouldn't go so far as to recommend it.

Violence? Eh
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Rubber (2010)

When Robert, a tire, discovers his destructive telepathic powers, he soon sets his sights on a desert town; in particular, a mysterious woman becomes his obsession.

The.Tire.Has.A.Name.


This movie fucking sucked. I know it was supposed to be a bad flick that destructs bad movies, and what more could you expect from a movie starring a killer tire? But holy fuck was this bad. The worse part is that I was looking forward to watching it.

Pass. Definitely pass.  

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Lovely Molly (2011)

Newlywed Molly moves into her deceased father's house in the countryside, where painful memories soon begin to haunt her.

A young woman records herself trying to kill herself. After struggling for a bit, she says that it won't let her and cries. Subsequent footage shows the days in Molly's life, leading up to the video tape.

Molly and Tim are newlyweds who have moved into her childhood home. Tim is a trucker so he's away often. On The first night of her being alone, she falls asleep in her own bed and is awakened by someone or thing calling her name. Checking the house she is frightened when the front door stars to rattle.

Night two she is awakened by the sounds of a child crying. heading towards the source, she opens a closet door and Tim returns home to find her cold and ass nekkid, sitting on the corner of a bed. She simply says, "He's alive," and doesn't respond when Tim asks about "him." Much later, she heads to her sisters place and tells her that "he" is following her.

There's a good deal of nothing happening and after that opening scenes hype is slowly dragged out back and killed, Molly and "him" mercifully decide to wrap things up. She leaves her sister a voicemail telling her that it will be all over soon, he's controlling her so anything they find will not be her fault and that she was right to kill him.

Seriously, in Lovely Molly, It seems there's a lot of stuff happening, but there really isn't. And of the stuff that does happen, nothing is really explained. Supposedly, they were just trying to create a sense of overwhelming dread, (even going so far as to include "ghost rape") and for a minute, I was right with them. Then it turned out I just had to take a dump.

Kinda like the filmmaker.

Violence? You'll have to wait until the climax
Explosions? Nope
Nudity? Mercifully they've decided to grace us with a titty or two.

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The Sentinel (1977)

****An iCheckMovies Listed Movie Review****

Not ready for marriage, a fashion model moves into an unbelievably nice Brooklyn Heights apartment, where scary occurrences turn into a much more frightening turn of events.

When she complains that she can't get any sleep due to get neighbors, her realtor drops the bomb on her: "no one else has lived in the building for three years!" But how could this be? She's seen them. We've met them! I'm especially fond of the couple who do nothing but fondle each other all day. Yes, I said fondle.

Well one night she hears noises above her room and goes to check it out. She runs out of the house screaming about how she just stabbed her father, a man who died three weeks prior.

Her bf starts to believe her and he conducts his own investigation into the house and finds out that it is the entrance to Hell. He explains to her that she is chosen to be the next Guardian of the Gate and everyone that she saw was trying to get her to kill herself so that she can not take the position. Deciding to save Her own soul, she accepts her role as guardian and is later seen watching, waiting for the one who will take her place.

The Sentinel sucked. No ifs ands or buts about it. There was a lot of titty though. They really didn't discriminate.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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