The Frankenstein Theory (2013)

***A Flicks n Picks Live Review***

Professor John Venkenheim leads a documentary film crew to the rim of the Arctic Circle in a desperate effort to vindicate his academic reputation.

Frankenstein Muhfuckas!

I'm sitting here drinking and watching movies about Frankenstein all for your benefit. You jerks better appreciate this! I'm just kidding, I'm actually kinda excited. 

Last Warning! This is happening people! Don't read any further if you aren't ready for A Bio/Chemically created monster with super strength that has lived for centuries.

Prologue 1: A Man With A Dream

1. The film starts with Professor Johnathan Venkenheim giving us a quick rundown of his life story.

2. His grandfather showed him letters that were the basis of Mary Shelley's Frankstein.

3. He explains that the story of Frankenstein is real and is one of the most incredible events in human history.

4. His gf bitches him out, but has the decency to do it off camera as he didn't tell her that they would be filming

5. Asked to leave for the night, The film crew introduce themselves and quickly give off the "I'm going to get killed for dicking around" vibe.

Prologue 2: Whatever Happens to a Dream Deferred?

6. Vicky and crew head back to Johnathan's house to continue filming. They are still upset that they are filming some crazy dude with a Frankenstein fetish and while talking shit about Johnathan, they almost hit a guy who goes full irate negro and demands they exit the vehicle in a timely manner. they of course speed off.

7. At the house, Jonathan explains the illuminati and how the work they've done have influenced science and his research. His Great Great Grandfather Johann Venkenheim was the original creator of Frankenstein and he was "the geneticist before Mendel." Apparently. Johann and whoever assisted him destroyed all of their work so that the experiment could never be created. Johnathan is dismayed because his theory will never be accepted as long as everyone thinks his theory is bullshit. He needs to prove that the Frankenstein monster is real.

8. Anna, his GF believes he is obsessed with this bullshit theory and she rips Vicky, the director for egging him on. She utters the ominous words, "This is not going to end well," and now because she threw it out there, it won't. Besides, has any movie about Frankenstein ever ended well?


9. At night, they leave in search of the beast. Frankenstein is in/near the Arctic Circle and Johnathan intends to find him.

10. Anna says her goodbyes while rocking the Abominable Snoman Uggs. I'm surprised she actually did not believe in Frankenstein. People who wear Uggs are not exactly known for their mental capabilities.



Day 1: Canada

11. They took two flights to get to the Yukon and are on the ground from there.


12. They are trying to rewrite the Frankenstein story as they go along. That's actually pretty interesting.


13. Johnathan is a creepy looking dude. Like he may have a screw loose and possibly kill everyone if it turns out that Frankenstein isn't real.

 14. Wait, maybe the monster has been in his head the whole time? If it turns out that he's in a mental ward at the end of this film I'm going to be filled with such a righteous fury....


15. Johnathan introduces us to Clarence a "person of interest" who is actually kinda funny. He's a methhead tweeker who can't seem to focus. He tells a story of his run in with Frankenstein.

16. He looks like Gary Busey and Steve Buscemi.

17. When they explain to him that it was Frankenstein that he met, he flips out, produces a gun and starts to threaten the crew. Even going so far as to sniff their wallets. Then its all hugs and apologies, "I'm sorry. You were just trying to do your job, man." Classic methheads.

Day 2: More Canada w/ Canadians

18. Johnathan hypes himself up and mentions that they will be getting Snowmobiles. While he's away, He goes away and the crew debates how much worse this place is than the last. He returns with his badass contact/creepy tour guide Karl, who warns them about the wilderness and warns them not to dick around.

 

 I'm really digging this Karl dude. he's just the right amount of bad-ass and creepy to balance each other. 

But he's Canadian...

19. Which of course they will do.

20. Dude gets the stare of death after delivering a wet willy to another one of the crew. That's one way to break the tension of a long car ride with Karl. And if things weren't awkward enough, Johnathan drops the bomb that Annie is breaking up with him and moving out. Now he has no reason to turn back. Frankenstein is all that he has left.

Day 3: Northwest Territory

21. Johnathan provides more background on Johann Venkheimen's Frankenstein experiment. He basically built an evolutionary masterpiece. his creature was not mindless, but full of incredible destructive potential.

22. Finally, snowmobiles!

23. Okay guys, that's enough snowmobile! Seriously, there's like a 5 minute tracking shot of them just riding in the snow. Aimlessly.

24. When they finally get off the snowmobiles, They hear wolves and start to freak out, but I believe Karl cracks a joke when he tells them that it's the bears that they need to worry about.

25. Eric the Assistant Producer heads out to be our first casualty as he decides now would be a good time to get a time-lapse shot. In the dark. In the 20-30 celsius weather. Luckily for him, Karl saves him from himself then just kinda stares at him until he gets back in the tent.

Day 4:

26. They find a Yurt. a shelter used by trappers and hunters. (The more you know!) Jonathan is super excited because that's exactly what he was looking for. In the snow nearby they find bones.

27. A bigfoot like creature watches them from the woods and scurries off. (Frankenstein be real yo!)

28. Johnathan belives Frankenstein is tracking a herd of Caribou for sustenance and that he says, that makes him easier to track. using math and crime statistics, he determines that Frankenstein has only killed to protect himself/his territory. After Brian the soundman freaks out at the murder part, Johnathan lays down the law: "I'm paying you and I will continue to pay you and last I checked I wasn't paying to take advice from a soundman!"

29. Karl says he believes Johnathan theory, but he believes a bear is responsible, not a Monster. he says that he could be wrong, but he wouldn't mind bagging a frankenstein. Then goes on to tell us that he's killed 12 polar bears and that Lions and Tigers are pussies compared to them. Ending his story with "respect nature. because nature doesn't forgive." I told you Karl is a badass. Too bad he's Canadian. Good thing this is a movie. I almost started to belive there were actually badasses in Canada. 

30. Night vision! I'm excited. Didn't think I'd get night vision in this film. /sarcasm

31. Wolves were howling around their yurt, then suddenly stopped. A loud growl is heard and everyone is understandably freaked out. Except my man Karl, who is sleeping like a Canadian baby.

Day 5

32. After all of the noise last night, one of their snowmobiles are stolen, one is trashed and one was left untouched. (My Guess is that Frankenstein wrecked one learning to drive, stole one for his own personal use and left the other one because, why would he need two?)

33. Hopped up on adrenaline and maple syrup, Karl was on some "You think you can steal my shit and sell it?!" shit. Dude thought he was O.J. Simpson. He says in his best badass voice "That it isn't a bear or a monster and that he'll have it's ass in 30 minutes." They asked him if he wanted to take a snowmobile and his last words were, "Fuck no! Do you think I want him to know I'm coming?"

34. 4 hours later, two of the crew, Eric and Brian, head out to look for him.

35. Johnathan says that he isn't afraid of the monster. He needs it. He needs the proof of its existence and he has nothing else left to give/show.

36. Eric and Brian head follow the tracks into a forest, where one of them is almost certain to become victim #2. They find a trail of blood and karl's rifle before finding his body lying in a ditch. They come back with urgency saying that they have to leave. Johnathan refuses to leave as he's now on the verge of a major scientific discovery.

37. Since one snowmobile is left, they send another crewman, Luke, solo to try and get help. Seriously, they keep tempting fate. Someone (else) is getting killed soon. I feel it in my bones.

Vicky does the "this is the situation so far/We're all gonna die" monologue into the camera. 

Also, despite how this looks, that is not a black guy. there are no Negroes in this film.

38. Johnathan reiterates that it isn't some type of mindless monster. it reacts to fear and anger and has been searching for companionship. so if they can appeal to its humanity, they'll be safe.

39. At night, the creature growls outside of the Yurt

Day 6 aka Day 1 of officially being stranded.

40. The fun of this film is the tension. I have to admit, they've done a really great job of building that up thus far. I hope the reveal isn't a let down.

41. On foot, they find the snowmobile without Luke. They then decide to split up to search for him and try to do the smart thing of staying within each others sight, but you know someone is just itching to get killed.

42. Told you! Brian finds Luke, dead and frozen and is immediately killed off screen. While remorseful, Johnathan is actually excited. he suggests they go back to the yurt and wait but along the way, they spot him in there. He says that he's agitated and a bit too worked up for them to approach right now. Frankenstein clearly hates to kill whitefolk, but he can't stop himself. It's a vicious cycle.

43. So at first I was going to be upset because they found the camera and didn't watch the tape of the dude being bludgeoned and dragged away. But then they catch Frankenstein coming outside of the yurt. he is indeed real and that is good enough for me.

44. Johnathan says that he's going to call to him and separate himself from the group so that they can get back to the yurt safely. He warns them not to run and he warns them twice, sternly, so someone may just be running and dying.

45. Eric is our winner folks! he sees ol' Frankenstein and runs for his life, all 2 minutes of it. But wait, we're not done running and dying...

46. Trying to find her way back to the Yurt, Vicky stumbles and falls on Eric's body. Johnathan finds her and together they make it back where Vicky continues her nervous breakdown.

Day 7: It's Over

47. Johnathan goes outside to talk to the monster and leaves Vicky inside. He tries to reason with the monster and gets torn apart for being overzealous and kinda creepy. "let me touch you" you're not a monster. I just want your hand, etc. Shit, I probably would have killed him too. Touching on me and shit.

48. Jonathan got lucky that Frankenstein didn't want his companionship. he got the easy way out compared to Vicky. Frankenstein tears open the door, bops her on the head and walks away carrying her on his shoulders while the credits roll. that's just it. she's done.

and on the 7th day, he rested...in that ass!

I'm curious as to how the story would be from Frankenstein's P.O.V. Besides, they don't make Frankenstein movies anymore. He's just not, "sexy" enough as a monster. Whatever. This film was decent. It built up the tension well, fleshed out the story and managed to construct and deconstruct the monster all at once. My only gripe is that all the kills are done off-screen. On one hand, that's a way of not over exposing the monster so we can't pick it apart, on the other hand, you're left with a monster who doesn't actually kill...and that's some bullshit.

Anyway, I think I covered it all, but if you want to watch it for yourself, go for it.

Violence? Off-Screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No.