The Miami Connection (1987)

The Miami Connection has got to be one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies I've seen in a while. I honestly miss movies like these. 

The premise is simple, there's a  Japanese biker gang who are bikers by day and ninjas by night. The biker ninjas are trying to control Miami in order to further their drug trade and other nefarious activities. The only thing stopping them from achieving total supremacy is a band of musicians known as DragonSound. They are all orphans, best friends and black belts in taekwondo,  capable of wrecking shop if pushed.

After a few minor squabbles with a band that used to perform at their club, DragonSound are pushed into a direct blood feud with the Miami Ninja after a member is killed in an ambush. 

 Cocaine!!!!

The movie is bad. No one is claiming it's good. This is, the music is dope. I could see myself buying the soundtrack (if bugging things were still in fashion) If nothing else, I'd watch it again just for that. Also the concept of a biker gang by day, killer Ninja squad by night is hilarious. And they have their own theme song! This movie is so 80s.    

 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of sound and karate
Nudity? Titty does make an appearance, but really, beggars can't be choosers I guess.

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G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)

 

 

The G.I. Joes are not only fighting their mortal enemy Cobra; they are forced to contend with threats from within the government that jeopardize their very existence.

Framed for crimes against the country, the G.I.Joe team is terminated by the President's order, and the surviving team members face off again Zartan, his accomplices, and the world leaders he has under his influence. Since the last film, The Cobra Commander and Destro have been captured. Storm Shadow and Zoltan have escaped and Duke now commands the team with Roadblock as his #2. 

The United States government and specifically the office of the president has been compromised. Zartan, using nano technology has been posing as the president. He intends to break out the Cobra Commander and completely wipe out the Joes. He declares them enemies of the state and gives orders to have them eliminated. After suffering heavy losses in the nighttime raid, Roadblock, Flint, Snakeyes and Lady Jay are forced to go underground to get revenge, defeat Cobra and clear their names.

Here's what I didn't like about this movie: 

• The RZA. Why does It feel like you can't have a movie, involving any type of martial art and not include him? How is he the Joe's Kung-fu Grandmaster? The RZA sucks and this is just entirely too much RZA for me.
• According to this story, Storm Shadow was set up by Zartan when he was a child. But that would make Zartan significantly older than he is in the present day. That's ridiculous.
• After the Joes rescue the President, they claim there's no casualties, yet they killed every Secret Service agent on the way to get him.
• How exactly does Storm Shadow get a hold of a snake eyes suit?
• Bruce Willis. It feels like he was included only to give the film a solid "big name."
• Also, Storm Shadow gets redemption? No. Don't change him because you felt guilty for liking him in the first. Dude is a Ninja. Good or bad, you're supposed to like him. Ninjas are dope.

Here's what I did like:

• The chemistry between The Rock and Channing Tatum is crazy. I actually kinda hope they do a buddy cop movie in the future. Their banter was hilarious.
• The Rock himself is hilarious and the dude is huge. It's ridiculous how small pistols look in his hands.
• The Action and Visual effects are crazy and within 5 min you are aware that this is already a better film than that other crap.
• Boyd Crowder is in this movie! I'm excited. He's awesome.
• Titus Pullo aka Frank Castle has a meaty role. 
• There's a "Cobra uses red lasers" reference!
• Roadblock challenging Snake Eyes as the most badass character. 
• The extended ninja sequence, because ninjas are awesome.
• Bruce Willis. He was actually kind of a beast. 
• The events of the last film are never mentioned except to introduce us to the new cast and to reintroduce the Cobra Commander, who looks fantastic and is all about the slow motion intimidating walk. (He does nothing outside of that.)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation was a fun popcorn flick. Probably could have been better overall, but I wouldn't ask for more than what I got. Definitely better than Rise of Cobra and now maybe, hopefully, we can finally throw some flour on that wet turd, scoop it up and toss it from our memories.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? You would have thought this was a Michael Bay film.
Nudity? No.

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Goemon (2009)

Based on a Japanese folk legend that echoes the tale of Robin Hood, this ninja thriller follows the exploits of Goemon Ishikawa, who leaves his fighting clan after its chief is murdered and uses his skills as a thief to help the poor. But after learning the identity of his leader's killer - the traitorous Hideyoshi - Goemon sets out on a bloody path of vengeance, joined by his loyal friend, Saizo.

In this Robin Hood type story. Goemon is a revered master thief who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.After recovering what they call Pandoras Box, he opens it and it leads him to a scroll/ map. Which eventually leads him to a letter that proves two powerful men were complicit in the death of The former Lord Nobunaga. His adopted father. Now aware of the truth, he sets out for revenge.
Goemon is like "The Spirit" all flash no substance. It's long, dull and it takes itself a bit too seriously [That's what she said.] Plus, I hate when I expect an all out action flick and get sucked into drama. I stopped paying attention halfway through. I may come back to it at a later date, but until then, I'll leave this unrated.

In retrospect, I'll probably never even give this flick a second look.

Unofficial score: 4/10

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Ninja (2009)

A westerner named Casey, studying Ninjutsu in Japan, is asked by the Sensei to return to New York to protect the legendary Yoroi Bitsu, an armored chest that contains the weapons of the last Koga Ninja.

The top two students in the running to replace the leader of the dojo don't like each other two much. During a heated training exercise, the Japan born student tries to kill the Last Samurai and is expelled from the school.Years later, he shows up as a Snake Eyes clone, conducting mercenary work, specifically assassinations for an unnamed secret organization.

The dojo throws a small ceremony to name his successor and pass down the ancient weaponry. My question is, if the techniques are to be passed down in secret, why have a public ceremony? Anyway, Snake eyes crashes the party and after being reminded of his expulsion, he threatens the Sensei and everyone there that day. As the ninja weapons are being hidden, snake eyes is preparing for war. He has a closet full of weapons and at nightfall, he makes his move, taking out nearly the whole school on his way to kill his former teacher. The old man is dope. he even gets in a "I taught you everything you know," but like a good ninja, snake eyes resorts to chicanery to win, using poison darts then decapitation to end the battle.

After giving away her location by calling her father, snake eyes sees the number and deduces that the weapons are in New York. He calls the leader of the secret society to bring in the ninja girl and makes plans of his own to join them shortly. After being attacked, the ninja kids are on the run. This eventually leads to a fight on the train, which not only had to be the longest ride, but it also gave me a new kill to add to the list (skip to 5:15 for the kill)

Sidenote: I don't get how she is the daughter of the head of the ninja school, yet a complete punk bitch during fight scenes. I thought these mofos were ninjas. A little gunfire and she turned into a quivering bitch. She was dead weight throughout the film. Useless. it's like they watered down her character during filming.

After finally getting arrested, the (cliched) stubborn cops believe they are the bad guys and treat them like so. Chaining them to chairs and blatantly disregarding their stories. Snake Eyes shows up at the station and the cops eat sword for their efforts. Nifty little lightsaber effect on his sword too, but that just added insult to injury. After a battle atop the police station, we quickly learn that the last samurai is no match for Snake Eyes, who captures Ninja Girl and flees. The Last Samurai is now on a mission to rescue Ninja Girl. Tearing through the secret society along the way, he gets in contact with snake eyes and offers to trade the ninja weapons for the girl. Making his way to the deal, last samurai puts on the ancient weaponry and finally claims his birthright as an American Ninja. Which of course leads to the final fight scene and the downfall of Snake Eyes.

I came into this film expecting total crap. What I got was decent crap. Passable, but still crap. The dialogue was bad but who needs words when you can let spin kicks speak for you? (Seriously. I think his dialogue was 80% spin kicks. I don't think I saw dude throw a punch the whole film!), the logic behind the plot was flawed, and somehow a police helicopter was written into and out of the movie during the same scene. Outside of all that, the evil ninja was, of course, a total badass and the action scenes (read: bloodshed) saved the film from a worse score.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Smoke Bombs.
Nudity? No. Unfortunately

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True Legend (2012)

Su Qi-Er retired from his life as a renowned Qing dynasty general in order to pursue his dream of a family and his own martial arts school. However, Su's peaceful life is shattered when his vengeful adopted brother, Yuan Lie, kidnaps his son and leaves Su for dead. Saved from his demise by his wife Ying and the reclusive doctor Yu, Su resolves to perfect his technique so that he may defeat Yuan Lie and reunite his family.Now burning to become a martial arts master, Su Qi-er submits to a teacher who helps him become more powerful than ever before.  

True Legend is essentially a biopic about  Su Can, a former chinese general, turned drunken beggar and his ascent to Legendary Martial Arts status.

The film starts with an awesome ninja style raid on the enemies headquarters. Su Leads a team into enemy territory to rescue his captured prince. For this, he is offered the position of Governor, which he declines because he's retiring to be with his family. He nominated his brother Yuan for the job and the story really begins there. 5 years later, Governor Yuan pays a visit to  Su and his family. Su's father says he doesn't trust him and relays the bloody history between himself and Yuan's father.Believing him to be out of control, with a deadly technique, the Five Venom Fist, Su's father killed.YUAN's father and raised them as brothers. Yuan had always resented this, and he fears that now that he's governor, nothing good can result.

Yuan arrives while Su is away, announces that he has mastered the Five Venom Fist and after a short battle he prices the old man right by killing him and taking his head. Su arrives too late top stop him, but during their fight he finds out that Yuan is hardcore. After landing some pretty good cuts with a sword, he realizes that he's causing no damage. Just then Yuan laughs and reveals that he has metal fucking armor sewn 1inch deep into his flesh.

 Hard.Fucking.Core.

Not long after this reveal, Yuan wings the fight (duh), infects him with the venom technique and throws him into a waterfall to die. Our hero goes through the "I've been throughly defeated and now I'm completely useless" phase and even becomes an alcoholic until his hair grows in and he defeats his own self pity. Believing him to be unable, she decides to rescue their son herself. Reading the note she left about his instability to save his family, Su, races off to the castle and fucks shit up on the way to defeat Yuan. Before the final battle however, Yuan says he won't kill his wife, but he has her buried alive in the forest. After a final fight that saw them fight into and out of a snake pit, Su kills Yuan and the race is then on to find his wife. Unfortunately he finds her too late. Now a drunken heartbroken beggar, we move onto phase two of our film: The Drunken Fist.

After wandering into a bar and fighting a drunken fist master, he runs into Ma, an old friend from his war days. Ma tells him that Foreign warriors are challenging Chinese to fights and are killing them and he decides to support his friend in his fight with the foreigners. During the fight, his son gets involved and he uses the drunken fist to save him and take on the foreigners who are apparently aided, controlled and released by "White Tupac" David Carradine, who I'm sure I've seen in more films post mortem than when he was alive.

 White Tupac

In the epilogue we learn that he wandered the country and used the fist. the style would then be copied and spread throughout the land. Making him a true Wushu master.


True Legend is a solid flick. Good action. Easy to follow story. Yet, still a bit longer than I'd have liked. But there is Michelle Yeoh...

Out of ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Geisha Assassin - 2008

This story is set during the Edo ages in Japan. On a rainy night, Kotono confronts the samurais who have killed her father. The samurai attack her one by one, but she manages to withstand them. When she is scaring the remaining samurai away, three ninja's suddenly appear. Will she succeed in beating them as well?

The title card explains that the word "gei" meant weapons. Geishas were ones who practiced swordsmanship and even men could be geishas.

Geisha Assassin starts slow as we come in on a geisha as she follows a samurai through the streets, seeking to avenge her father's death. The man who killed her father tells her she can't defeat him as she is now and sets up battles for her. The rest of the movie is her fighting tough challengers on her way to get to him. Although she reaches her final opponent quickly, the fights are consistently satisfying. The final fight contains the necessary evil of flashbacks to explain the exact situation behind her father's death. But even the flashbacks include a fight scene.

Geisha Assassin is a short movie that begins slow and feels a bit long. (Especially during the end scenes.) But we learn about her father's death and the technique she uses. Plus there's a fight that takes place in the rain with Motherfucking Ninjas(!!!), and when her weapon is unavailable, she's a pretty capable martial artist. Also, as is customary in these films, she has to be beautiful, but deadly. (Although she's not a badass...or really hot. She's just skilled with a sword.)

Its definitely not a must see, but there is an "oh shit" moment or two.

Out of Ten? 6.

Violence? Fuck yeah, its a swordfighting flick that includes Fuckin Ninjas!!!!
Explosions? Ninja bombs
Nudity? No

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Retro Review: Revenge of the Ninja - 1983

After his family is killed in Japan by ninjas, Cho and his son Kane come to America to start a new life. He opens a doll shop but is unwittingly importing heroin in the dolls. When he finds out that his friend has betrayed him, Cho must prepare for the ultimate battle he has ever been involved in.

In the opening scene, ninjas slaughter Cho's family and then lay in wait get to him. Men, women, children. No one is spared. When he returns, he is pissed off and having no earthly ties, he shows them that they are no match for him. Wiping them all out near single handedly.

Sho Kasugi is the original ninja. Dude catches arrows with his teeth?!

At the request of his friend Brayden, he moves to America with his mother and son, who survived the attack. Cho makes it clear to his son that he has sealed his sword and renounced the way of the ninja. In the six years since he left Japan, he's become a partner with Brayden in a Japanese art gallery, but it turns out that his Brayden is using the museum to snuggle in heroin. After a deal goes bad, a masked ninja appears and uses ninja techniques to take out the associates of a crime lord. Soon after, the big bad orders his men to steal the dolls containing the heroin and that's how the story brings it's focus back to our ninja hero, Cho. After realizing that his friend was a backstabbing secret ninja, we learn the history of Brayden and find out that he lived in Japan for twenty years and trained as a ninja. Cho rationalizes that only a ninja can stop a ninja and seeking revenge for all that has been done, he unseals his sword and ninja gear, and sets out for a final ninja battle with the masked ninja.

The masked ninja is definitely impressive. Effectively using evil laughs, smoke pellets, fire, and body doubles to aid him in the fight. But after a lengthy rooftop battle, the masked ninja falls to our hero and good wins the day.

Violence? Ninja
Explosions? No
Nudity? One scene

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Ninja Assassin - 2010

Trained since childhood to be a lethal killer, Raizo has since turned his back on the Ozunu clan that raised him and now seeks revenge for their heartless murders. Teaming up with Europol investigator Mika, Raizo steadily butchers his enemies while inching ever closer to the long-awaited bloody reunion with his former master.

Raizo, (which is fun to say with a Japanese accent) defected from the clan after they killed his ninja boo many moons ago, and while they hunt him down, he's made it his priority to wipe them out. [Not trying to defend their actions, but, In their defense though, she showed compassion. Ninjas don't show compassion and they damn sure showed none in killing her.] We get multiple scenes of him training and practicing among the flashbacks that tell his story. At one point, he even does handstand pushups on top of a bed of nails. Eventually he meets Mika, an investigator with interpol, who had drawn the attention of/uncovered the secret dealings of the clan by digging too deep into older (seemingly unrelated) cases.

Really? I always wanted to be a ninja, but this scene showed me that I wasn't Asian enough.

Towards the end, Raizo is finally captured. But with the help of a tracking device placed on him by Mika, the armed forces of Europol storm the hidden ninja compound and bring the pain! Thus setting up the final confrontation between Raizo and the leader of the clan.

Hot. Ninja. Action

Ninja Assassin is quite possibly one of the best ninja movies ever. Swords. Shoryuken, blood gore, you name it. If it was ninja related it was probably in this film. Shit was crazy. But here's my favorite part: the protagonist was actually Asian! No disrespect to Michael Dudikoff and the American Ninja franchise, but your time has passed. Actually, all disrespect and for the record, "American Ninja" is an oxymoron. Jerk.

Ninja Assassin makes American Ninja look like that time we were kids and played "Ninja" in our backyards. 

The logic behind the film is sound. Ninja clans exist and shadowy gov't figures would pay them as mercenaries, because who would ever believe that ninjas are real? However, there's just a couple things that bother me:

1. Parsel tongue - On the hunt, the ninjas speak in a hushed whispers and drag out their "wooorrrdddssssss"
2. Ninja healing factor - Ninjas are mystical, that much is true, but do they possess a super-human healing factor?
3. How he was receiving notice of the clan's activities/targets. - How/why exactly was this happening. He is not in the clan. Why/How is he receiving notice of their targets?
4. The white children - The kids were supposed to be orphaned or otherwise unwanted kids in Japan. How exactly does this happen:

You just know that one of these kids grows up to be Michael Dudikoff.

Violence? Glorious Ninja violence
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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