Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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Dead End (2003)

Deadly Consequences arise when Frank and his wife opt for an unfamiliar ride through the first and stop to pick up a mysterious hitchhiker.

 

A clearly disgruntled family is driving down the road on a trip to a relative's house for Xmas. It's the type of trip where you stay on the same road and the car never runs out of gas, so needless to say,  everyone is edgy and tense and ready to get stabby. Along the way, the father inexplicably picks up a hitchhiker and stops at a barn filled with all types of blunt, sharp and stabby weapons. Mildly subverting the genre, that barn actually does not come into play other than being a landmark of sorts for later events.

Well, how do they die then? I wish I could tell you, but they all died off screen as if this was some PG-13 wank fest. Even the few who died on screen were pretty tame.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy Ray Wise, even he couldn't save this movie. The ending alone cost it a few stars and yes, while it ended the only way it could, that doesn't changed that it sucked. 

Hitchhiking Pro-tips:

• If you should ever find yourself driving down a road, possibly lost, do not stop to pick up any hitchhikers. 
• Do not stop for shit left in the middle of the road. 
• Do not ever get out of the car and I shouldn't have to tell you this, but do not let your only daughter walk down the road by herself especially when you have no earthly idea where you are.

 

Violence? Yes. Maybe. Idk was off-screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Blood Lake (2014)

 ****Killer Eels have been #6 on my Most Wanted list for quite some time, so you can imagine my joy when I came across this gem. Netflix and their cavalcade of shitty horror flicks are slowly but surely helping me cross more animals off the list.****

 

Thousands of starved Lamprey eels begun attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, leaving the community scrambling to stay alive.

Blood Lake is exactly what I imagined a movie about Killer Eels world be. The reality of it is that these films are pretty much paint by numbers. Nothing ever really changes except the animal, but it's fun to see people find new and ridiculous ways to get slaughtered in easily avoidable situations. Plus the character that plays the asshole mayor usually gets his comeuppance. Only once has a mayor gotten away with that dicketry.

Anyway, the town is being overrun by Lamprey Eels. They are aggressive, they are hungry, they've eaten through the local ecosystem, and now they have a taste for human blood. It's up to the head of fish and wildlife to put on his big boy pants and save the town and by extension the world.

The characters are stupid and over dramatic, the dialogue is meh, the visuals suck, but damn if those eels don't Fuck people up, and quite honestly, that's all I came to see. I watched worth childlike glee as the dumbest characters died in the most brutal of ways, death by eels.

Fat Shannon Dorety is a bonus and the mayor is played by Christopher Lloyd. His comeuppance? Let's just say the Delorean takes an eel to the tailpipe if you catch my drift. 

 

Even with all of that, it feels longer than it is, so I'll wrap this up the question on all of your minds:

Should we ever find ourselves besieged by killer eels, how would one defeat them? :

• Fire
• Weed whackers
• Electricity
• Dead eels. Yes, dead eels.

 

*Also, I'm fully aware that Eels and Lampreys are two different fish, but it's my blog. So, what's up?

Violence? Hot eel on human action
Explosions? It was raining eels nowhere was safe. Not even underpants
Nudity? Nope.

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The Monkey's Paw (2013)

When Jake Tilton receives a money's paw. A cursed artifact that grants the bearer three wishes, he discovers that there's a dark twist to the gift.

The Monkey's Paw is based on that old classic tale whose moral is pretty much, "Be careful what you wish for. " The Monkey Paw itself, is like the Djinn from Wishmaster. It'll grant you your deepest desires, but also spin it in a very evil/twisted way.

I wished for this film to be good, yet here I sit, disappointed. There was just so much potential in this film, but not only did it go nowhere, it took a good while to get there. It's tough to talk about it without spoiling it, but instead of being a movie where you have to think about creative wishes, it becomes a movie where there's a human enemy who isn't above killing to get what he wants. Bleh. The other part of it is, the bulk of events could have been easily avoided if the main characters weren't so fucking stupid.

Anyway, *eye roll* the best part about this movie is that they did not skimp or shy away from cranium based explosions. Heads were pooping like pimples. It was awesome.

Twitter:  Monkey's Paw?  Simpsons did it!...better.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of the cranial kind
Nudity? Nope. Surprisingly. But the violence covered it.

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Forget Me Not (2013)

I wasn't going to write a review for Forget Me Not as it's largely a paint by numbers teens vs ghosts type of flick and if you've seen one, you've seen them all. Here's the rub, I was digging the concept of this film:

A group of teens play a game of ghost tag in a cemetery and soon find themselves playing ghost tag for realz and we learn that only one can survive the game. During the game, very subtle shifts would occur as each teen met their demise, however, with only one of them being aware of the shift, they are instantly branded as crazy and helpless to stop the onslaught. Once I figured out what they were doing, I had to see how it played out. 

It is important to note that there are no minorities in this film. I'm fairly certain that it's because they couldn't get one of us to play these crazy white people's games in the middle of a graveyard.

And since I'm here, what is it with White people and "unwittingly" summoning the dead? There's almost always a Ouija board, a seance failing that, and should those not be options, "how about we play tag in the graveyards?" Seriously?! 

This is what happens when you play tag in cemeteries!

It is also important to note that the effects and dialogue were pretty bad and there was not any gratuitous nudity.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Asian Schoolgirls

Violence and mayhem ensue after four school girls stumble upon an underground night club.

The Cast: 

• Asian Schoolgirls
• Rapists
• Hired Goons

The Situation:

Four schoolmates obtain fake ID'S and head out for a night on the town. As events unfold, they find themselves  drugged, raped and abandoned by the side of the road. After one of the girls commits Seppuku due to shaming her famiry, the three remaining friends set out to find their attackers and bring them to justice.

Their first order of business is to acquire weapons, and their second is to track down the guys. In order to kill birds with stones, they've decided to take on jobs as strippers, both to earn the money, keep tabs on the bad guys and also to provide us with that oh so gratuitous nudity. 

After a "quick" fight training/stripping montage where we see the girls acquire the skills to kill and pay the bills, we dive head first into the revenge story as the girls spot their attackers in the club and start their bloody path to the boss.

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Asian Schoolgirls was a better movie than I expected in general (because of all the nakedness) and took a quick turn into decent film territory once they started offing bad guys. I also feel like this movie world have worked better with "adults" as opposed to "teens" but eh. It would have been the same movie. Just minus the schoolgirl aspect, which was apparently very crucial to the plot. Which was clearly just to provide fap material for all of the male viewers. 

Speaking of which, you can't deny the film's sexiness (or attempts at such depending on which side you lean), what with their Asians and their tattoos and the stripper scenes and such, but outside of that? Eh. It's your typical girls are wronged and take up and to get revenge film. It plays like a white dude's elaborate excuse to see naked asskicking Asian Schoolgirls though. Not that I'm complaining. 

There's even a montage that combines stripping with learning how to fight and use their weapons. This movie was about a foot fetish away from hitting all the mainstream fetishes and although the film is unrated, I did not think there'd be nudity. Was genuinely surprised, but not really. Again, the whole film is a fetish flick.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? In pants
Nudity? Yes

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Snow Piercer (2014)

In the future, scientists have found a way to reverse global warming. Unfortunately it worked a bit too well as it froze nearly everything and everyone save for the people aboard a miracle train, that never stops running.

This is where our story takes place. In the future, on a train where the rich occupy the first cars and keep the poor chained up in the back car like the dirty, filthy non money having "animals" they are.

Fed up with the bullshit, a plan is hatched to move through the cars and take control of the train. This plan will succeed where many others have failed, not only because they plan on taking the engine and water cars, but also because they are led by Captain America, disguised as Captain No Money in this case.

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You know, I've Been trying to bite my tongue regarding this film because I fell victim to it's hype. Plus it's damn near beloved for one reason or another.  You know how they say "Don't judge a book, blah blah blah?" Well, eff that, I can usually tell if I'd be interested in a film by it's poster alone. However, if I had seen this poster, I would have kept it moving. I got suckered in by the trailer. To its credit though, having the story take place on a train was a cool twist, but eh, the story has been told before. Dystopian future. Rich vs poor and the poor revolt, changing society. Bleh.

I was expecting action adventure and I got blindsided by all the drama. And boy, was there a lot of drama. Visually, the film was amazing. Plot and character wise? Meh. Like most very pretty films, I feel people are caught up on the graphics and not the story. *Cough* Avatar *cough* *cough*

Tilda Swinton though, crushed her role as the very punchable disciplinarian and boy was I happy when they revealed the mythical man they praised and sang songs about. Very few actors deserve that acclaim.

I didn't get that much enjoyment from the film, and I definitely don't get the hype, which is why I'm going with 2 stars. Be happy it looked so pretty.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Black Rock (2012)

Three women's vacation on a remote island turns into a nightmare when they realize a sinister neighbor doesn't appreciate their presence.

The Cast: 

• Abby, Lou & Sarah - Three former bffs who are trying to rekindle their friendship with a relaxing weekend in the woods.
• Henry, Derek & Alex - Three men from the nearby town, who's animal hunt turns into a hunt for vagina

 
The Situation: 

After making friends and mingling, one of the women "accidentally" kills one of the men when he decides it's time for the raping. This act triggers the PTSD in the other two guys, who are former war vets, and they decide get revenge...with their guns.

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Katie Aselton, (due to her work in The League), is one of my favorite actresses, and I practically jumped at this film when I saw that not only was she in it, she directed it as well. Much to my surprise though, she is also credited with writing the story. Shit I think she was the casting director too, as there's a part where both she and Lake Bell end up Butt-Ass Nekkid and knowing Katie, she probably only added that scene and cast Lake Bell in that role so that we can see Lake Bell's fantastic rack. God Bless Katie Aselton. The only real dark spot on this tale however, is Kate Bosworth. From where did they dig her up? Kate Bosworth hasn't been relevant since Blue Crush and honestly, calling her relevant at all is pretty fucking generous on my part.

Outside of that, Black Rock is decent. Simply decent and nothing more. A popcorn thriller starring three feuding ladies who find themselves in a bind and are forced to come together to deal with a deadly threat. It could have probably been a bit better than it was, but it wasn't terrible, (as far as films like these go.)

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Alone With Her (2006)

A coffee shop waitress has a secret admirer who's been filming her with surveillance equipment, first from afar and then at much closer range.

The Cast: 

• Amy - Our heroine. Secretly watched masturbation bait.
• Doug - His name may not be real but his hidden cameras are.
• Jen -Snowflake Bff. Sniffs out the ruse and gets snuffed out for her troubles

The Situation: 

After falling for a woman who he feels is perfect for him, Doug quickly begins to become obsessed. What starts off as harmless infatuation, becomes darker as he uses hidden cameras to learn her inner most secrets and desires with plans to use them to win her over. Because she should love him. Because they are perfect for each other! Why won't she love him?!!!!

Alone with her is a voyeuristic thriller starring the foxy Ana Claudia Talancon, and the perfect casting choice of Colin Hanks as her creepy stalker. It isn't the greatest movie ever, far from it, but it is decently entertaining (until the third act at least) and she was kind enough to grace us with full frontal (a few times).

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't truly interested in thrillers and low budget films like these. It is an interesting and for the most part original concept, but it really isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes
.

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Cheerleader Massacre II (2009)

A masked maniac attacks a cheerleading squad on their way to the state championships. Now the busty babes have to fight for the title and their lives.

Cheerleader Massacre 2 was and is just about everything I want in a bullshit slasher flick. Bad dialogue, lame plot and super gratuitous nudity. There's only like twelve scenes where the girls are fully clothed.

As for the flimsy plot, a team of cheerleaders head to camp for the annual cheer competition. One by one people are picked off by what appear to be murdering robots from the future.

That makes no sense, but with so much gratuitous nudity and bloodshed. None of that has to make any sense. Honestly, I would normally not even acknowledge this film, but if you're in the mood for TnA, Cheerleader Massacre 2, is for you.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? On screen or In my pants?
Nudity? I'd say a fair amount.

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On The Job (2013)

Filipino crime thriller inspired by a real-life scandal in which prison inmates are temporarily released from prison to work as contract killers on behalf of politicians and high ranking military officials.

On The Job, supposedly based on a true story, is about 2 convicts, who are occasionally released from prison to perform the duties of a contract killer. It sounds interesting right? Well, meh.  In concept? Yes. Very intriguing. In execution? No. I say "it was pretty lame."

The movie is about Tatang and Daniel. Tatang, the older of the two, has been informed that he's being paroled. Naturally, Thelma, who he takes orders from, lets him know that she will no longer need his services once he gets out as she wouldn't be able to control him. She asks him to prep Daniel, his cellmate and partner, to take over his role.

On a mission to hit a snitch, Daniel's gun jams and they inadvertently leave him alive. They manage to finish the job at the hospital and narrowly escape after getting into a shootout with police. Thelma is rightfully pissed as the last thing she needs is the national attention coming from a nearly botched job. In addition to all of that, The New chief of the FIB, [Think, FBI but more Pinoy] is the son of an influential man. He is investigating the killings and trying to straddle the line between good guys and bad guys, but his family connections may be too much to overcome.

So this is the thing, I don't think I've ever watched/reviewed a Filipino film on/for this blog. if I have, then disregard this sentence. I find Tagalog to be an interesting language. A unique mixture of English, Spanish and quite possibly Portuguese. That has no impact on my enjoyment or review of this film, just something I felt like typing out.  Anyway, On The Job was supposed to be a tale of corruption, wrapped inside of an crime drama. When they weren't killing people, it was boring. After a while, you're kinda just watching it to watch it. I was curious to see how it ended. Either Tang makes it out or he dies, Daniel dies, or they both get caught and the operation is exposed.

 

  

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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V/H/S/2 (2013)

 

Searching for a missing student, two private investigators break into his house and find collection of VHS tapes. Viewing the horrific contents of each cassette, they realize there may be dark motives behind the student's disappearance.

I think the dopest thing about this movie, is that poster right there. But you came for a review, and because pt. 1 wasn't bad enough. Here's a sequel to finally set things right.

Story 1: The Eye (redux)

After an accident, a man gets an eye implant, which is actually a camera. He sees things....Dead things. Shit happens.

Started with an interesting premise, but fizzled as there wasn't enough time for it to fully develop. It's basically The Eye with significantly less Jessica Alba.

Story 2: The Zombie Experience

A guy gets like 2 minutes into his bike ride before riding into a zombie infestation. He's done, but we get the pov of a zombie thereafter so that's dope. We watch fist hand as he learns to be a zombie which is also pretty clever as it gives a first person view of a, zombie outbreak, stiffening that hasn't

been done before. It also humanizes them in a small way

This is one story I would have liked to seen fleshed out. It was original and strangely captivating.

Story 3: The Cultist of Personality

A group of documentary filmmakers convince a cult leader to let them film in his commune for an unbiased look at his life and work. As you can guess, shit happens.

Story 4: Pranking out of this World

Sibling rivalry.taken to the next level is Interrupted by a flash of light and a loss of power. Then it gets real. 

Story 4 is the one story that can't be talked about without spoiling it. The only thing that I can say is that it should come with an Epilepsy warning.

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I had been holding off on V/H/S/2 ever since I heard they were doing a sequel and every since the first one kinda sucked. Honestly, I did not have high hopes, so there was no hopes to dash. The first two stories were decent for what they are. The last two are very meh. If you're going to invest time in this movie, find something productive to do and multitask. You'll thank me for it. I just don't see the appeal of the V/H/S series. True, the sequel did up the ante, but much like the first, I wasn't thrilled with the offerings overall.  I know I'm a harsher critic than most, but I don't ask for much. I just want entertaining stories that aren't likely to trigger epilepsy.

 

Violence? Yes
Nudity? Yes
Explosions?  No

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Texas Chainsaw (2013)

A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.

The Cast:

• Disposable Teens
• Rowdy Rednecks
• Black Sherriff (Thank you, Cleavon!)
• Leatherface

The Story:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the only horror movie franchise that continually reboots itself.

In this version, the events of that past have indeed happened, but we follow a new group of teens who "inadvertently" stumble upon Leatherface and his chainsaw.

This one starts at the immediate conclusion of the 70s version, covering the events following the girl's escape.

The police and a lynch mob show up demanding the surrender of Leatherface. When his family refuses to give him up, a shootout occurs and the house is burned down. This was known as "08/19" and the only survivor was a baby girl.

20 years later, she gets a letter stating that her grandmother has died and discovers that she was adopted and taken from the old Sawyer home after the incident in Texas. Since her foster parents are dicks, she decides to go and figure out her roots. Her friends decide to go with her because friendship. They soon discover Leatherface and his not so secret agenda to kill everyone involved in the August 19th incident. In addition, the mayor, who set up the events of that day, seeks to kill her as well, since she's a Sawyer and they are all no good trash.

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Texas Chainsaw is an interesting twist on the standard reboot/remake formula. It's actually more of a hybrid sequel remake that attempts to finish the original and create a new vision for the franchise. I feel like It's a very interesting twist and preposition, but honestly not one that I care for. On the other hand, though, I guess I'd rather have this switch than the one where we get the why he does what he does humanizing story.

 

Here's a list of stupid decisions that a few of the characters make (or have to make, in favor of advancing the plot):

1. Not checking the historical records of the town before moving into a house you've mysteriously inherited
2. Leaving the stranger you've hit with the car, in the house you've just inherited that's also full of valuables
3. Leaving him with the master keys
4. Finding and exploring a secret room
5. Banging on a large metal door in that hidden room
6. Calling out to Letherface (x2)
7.  Trying to ram an iron automatic security gate as if it was a chain link fence
8. Stopping the car after "escaping"
9. Running into a fair and trying to escape via Ferris Wheel [Dude seriously just walked to the other side and waited for her to come back down]
10. Exploring the scene of multiple grisly murders solo b/c you have a big gun.
11. Leaving someone alone in an interrogation room with a box full of secret/confidential evidence of your previous dastardly deeds
12. Bringing a crowbar to a chainsaw fight
13. Reading a letter at the end of the film that you were begged to read at the beginning, which could have prevented just about every event in the film.

 

Leatherface for what it's worth, shows up quite early, (which is a treat) and he's about as brutal as he's ever been. Here is my gripe though, essentially, they've created a movie where for all the sick shit that Leatherface and the Sawyer family has done, they are the sympathetic heroes of the entire franchise. Does that make sense to anyone? Is Leatherface is a good guy now? This is some bullshit. Humanizing an unsympathetic monster and his family is a sucker move.

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Of Chainsaw violence

Nudity? No

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Sweetwater (2014)

  

A Pioneer woman is forced to fight for what's hers when her husband disappears and a calculating preacher makes a play for her land.

 

The Cast:

• Sadistic PreacherMan - Mr. Josiah
• Capable Sheriff Hobo - Ed Harris 
• Widowed Whore aka Sweetwater - January Jones
• Unscrupulous Bankerman - Stephen Root

Quick Synopsis:

There's a preacher who believes the land is g God's land and he intends to purge it of sin, purify it, and restore it to the way he believes God intended. These are the types of people who are more than willing to kill to achieve their goals and Mr. Josiah is no different. The major conflict starts when the preacher refuses to build a fence to keep his sheep in and Sweetwater's husband, Miguel, confronts him about it. 

In addition to Miguel's disappearance, Josiah is questioned by Sheriff Hobo about two other missing people who Josiah referred to as trespassers when he gunned them down. Not long after, he makes a play for  Sweetwater's land, offering to convert her and her land to the church, forcefully if necessary. This sets the three on a collision course as they head to a bloody climax that will settle their issues once and for all.

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Sweetwater is just about the slowest of the slow burn revenge thriller westerns. I was expecting a legit shoot'em up western. I thought it would be something like The Quick and The Dead, but plot and character development got in the way. Seriously, she finally starts her revenge with about 35 minutes left in the film. Although she puts in work, 35 min is not really enough time for killin'. 

What I did find funny though, was that back then women were really thought of as different people. "Here, take this to protect your feminine skin." Absolutely ridiculous, yet hilarious. Another thing was that a very public peep hole masturbation scene proved that there really were no rules in the west

I liked Stephen Root (dude is awesome. Google him, you know who he is) and I'm a fan of Ed Harris, who hasn't gotten enough credit for a lot of the stuff that he's done (Post The Rock). He was pretty damn good as the unique but not queer, county Sheriff.

 Overall though, it was not as good as and as action packed as I thought it'd be:

Violence?  Yes
Explosions?  Of subdued violence
Nudity? Yes

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Psycho Gothic Lolita (2010)

After assassins kill her mother and maim her father, innocent Yuki --now dining gothic leather -- goes on a mission for revenge.

At a birthday dinner, five hooded assailants, break into their home. In the struggle, her father is seriously injured and her mother is killed right in front of her. 

Lolita sneaks into a gambling den where debauchery is ever present. After disembowling the guard, she heads for her first kill, Sakie, the Queen.

By the time she reaches and executes the fifth guy, she learns that there was more to the story than just a random murder. Her mother was a devil, and they were exorcists. She is also a devil and he's been baiting her until she revealed her true form.

 Harbinger of Justice, executing those responsible for her mother's death. 

Before you ask: Why not? Japanese B movies are still B movies. 

Didn't really know what to expect when I started Psycho Gothic Lolita and honestly I was bored until the fighting started. It plays kinda like Kill Bill. A woman was wronged by 5 people, makes a list and sets out to get her revenge. But this is Japanese, so there's a lot of blood and gore and weirdness. It works for the film, but if you have no experience with the genre you'll hate it.

For a move made in Japan in 2010, it really lacks the flair that accompanies the genre. But technically it's an exploitation flick, so I guess that can explain it.

Idk whatever.

 

Violence? Yes. Oh yes
Explosions? Blood Spray
Nudity? No

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The Hangover Part III (2013)

***An iCheckmovies Listed Film****

The action packed conclusion to the trilogy no one asked for. Part Two was exactly the same as the first making it a blatant cash grab and middle finger to the consumer. This film promises to be different.

Since the events of the first film, it is revealed that Super Criminal Mr. Chow has stolre 21 million dollars from a rival drug lord and disappeared until he was arrested in Bangkok. Alan was the only person he's been in contact with and it's up to the guys to find Chow in three days or the drug Lord will kill Doug, who is being held in exchange. 

Doug is forever doomed to be sub ancillary. 

I think he's only had maybe 20minutes and 20 lines in three movies. 

Dude is a macguffin. Easiest paycheck ever.

Listen, Hangover three is basically the Alan and Chow show. It's possible I'm viewing this from a biased angle, but I feel it tries a bit too hard to be funny. It isn't really a good movie at all. there are a lot of callbacks to the original two films, but the "series" is structured in such a way that it's nearly impossible to do anything differently and if you do, you end up with something like this crap.

I watched it. You don't have to. [If you haven't already]

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? You'll need to be able to see in the dark.

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Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

This movie supposes that Santa is the son of Satan and was tricked into becoming benevolent and I can tell you honestly that If I didn't need an xmas movie for the blog I would have never bothered. But in the first five minutes it's a given that this will be a bad movie masterpiece. It stars Bill Goldberg as the Bad Santa and if he doesn't deliver at least one spear I will never forgive him or me for watching this shit.

The Cast:

• Goldberg (post taser)
• Teen boy - Nicholas
• Teen girl - Mary
• Artie (they let him out of the warehouse)
• Deebo
• Inept cops
• Grandpa

The Situation:

Goldberg is Santa and he's pissed. People will die. Yaks will be ridden.

As the demon rides near, one teen, his girlfriend and his grandfather must stop him before he destroys their town.

The Resolution:

 

Find a way to survive until the end of Xmas

Goldberg looks like he's having fun. That's important.

Stray Quotage:

"You got me a gun? I don't  want to seem ungrateful, but are you a fucking retard?"

"Ho. Ho. Ho's!" [walking into a strip club]

"We're trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to kill us. How fucked up is that?"

"What in God's name are you doing?
Well I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Santa's Slay is a very enjoyable bad movie by my standards. Bad acting, bad cgi, shitty music, explosive presents, Goldberg. This film has it all and what do we get 34 min into the movie? Spear! Spear! Spear! Yes It was a shitty version, but I'll take it. 

Again, if I didn't need the film, I wouldn't have bothered, but I'm actually glad I did. Dude really is a pretty brutal/efficient killer. and I'm all about the Evil Santas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Dark Skies (2013)

The Cast:

• Felicity
• The Father
• Creepy little boy #1
• The Teen
• J.K. Simmons
• The Greys aka The Space Invaders

The Situation:

A small family in a quiet town finds themselves marked and tormented by strange occurrences, such as the house being attacked by birds, mysterious bruises on their bodies and losing hours at a time in what appear to be minutes. Looking things up online, Felicity finds a connection between the birds, their home and aliens. Eventually they decide to meet with an expert who attempts to help them understand their situation, which is essentially, "They're going to take one of you and you're boned. You're not the first and you won't be the last." To prevent that, they've decided to barricade themselves indoors and await the inevitable. Hoping to fight them off with family unity.

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. This is happening. Shit is real and there's nothing any of them can do to stop it.

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The Greys were probing his mouth in this scene.

When I first heard about Dark Skies, I was under the impression that it was just another insidious/paranormal activity knockoff. While there are some similarities, this movie is different enough to stand on its own. Not saying it's good or bad, just different. On the surface, Dark Skies is a slow burn alien abduction movie that manages to maintain a consistently creepy atmosphere and an impending sense of dread for its characters. 

Beneath the surface though, it's a movie that does nothing for a good long while until it's time to do something and by then the aliens are ready to move. It's both slow and anti climactic. I was sitting there watching it like, "OMG can we just get to the space invaders already!" By the time they do, everything moves so quickly that it's hard to make out exactly what's happening. The end result was already a given, but getting there man...

Random Thoughts/Observations:

• You ever stop to think that aliens have a specific type? Notice that far people are never abducted. Maybe it's harder to get them up the tractor beam? IDK. Either way, being a fat man is the key.
• Idk whether or not a moody teen boy is better or worse than a moody teen girl. But I don't like neither.
• They adopted a dog specifically because they can tell when the aliens are near. The dog was there when they invaded, but wasn't there when the family huddled together? What happened to the dog? I need closure.
• Immediately after dude says that they need to unify their family, they start arguing over what to do next. Classic.
• So evidence points to aliens, and you present this evidence yet you still ask your husband if he's responsible?
• Kids have unexplained bruises and marks on their bodies? Welp, better blame the parents. Especially if you've known them for 20yrs. Who else could it be? I hate that logic.
• I'm a fan of any movie that has felicity banging her head against a glass door. I'm not saying that she sucks, but if there's any actress that should have her head banged against a glass door, it's Keri Russell.
• Getting stoned and watching porn with your bros? Priceless. There's probably a reason your father doesn't want you hanging with that kid.
• It's a fun guessing game to figure out which kid is the creepiest/possessed

Again, the movie is 100% creepy. I've just seen better alien/alien abduction movies. Give Altered a shot.

Violence? Self Harm
Explosions? Of Bright Lights
Nudity? No. Aliens don't want us for sex apparently.

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The Guillotines (2012)

Once used be the emperor to quash all opposition, a squad of assassins known as the guillotines falls out of favor when a new ruler takes the throne.

The Guillotines were a secret group of assassins who were created during the Qing Dynasty to secretly destroy rebellion and further the Emperor's notion of a unified land. The new emperor however, believes that The Guillotines are outdated and firearms are both the future and the key towards protecting the dynasty and furthering his legacy. To that end, he's labeled the group as guilty of treason and ordered them to be executed by firing squad.

A small group of Guillotines were on a mission to save one of their own as she was captured by the enemy. As they reach the rebel village, they discover that the new emperor has declared them traitors and ordered their execution. Finding a cause greater than their own in the struggles of the rebels, they switch sides and help defend their land from the empire's inevitable attack.

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 Chinese Jesus

That Guillotines is an action filled drama that's not really about anything. Okay, it's obviously about stuff, but it's long. The fights are of course, slick and very well done, but that's about it really. And despite its super obvious title, I didn't make the connection to the weapon until I saw the abundance of flying guillotines in the opening scene. Needless to say, I was pleasantly delighted. Until the rest of the film unfolded. Smh. There was definitely not enough flying guillotine and my quest continues. Sooner or later, there'll be a movie with ALL the flying guillotines I can handle, but if I can't find that in a movie called "The Guillotines," I don't think I'll ever find it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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