Life After Beth (2014)

 

The Cast:

• Molly Shannon
• John C. Reilly
• Cheryl Hines
• That guy from Chronicle
• Aubrey Plaza
• A guy who appears to be Paul Reiser*

 

After his girlfriend suddenly dies via snake bite, Zach is devastated. About a week later, her family stops returning his calls and he heads to their house only to discover that Beth is alive and her family is keeping it secret.

After things calm down he is finally told what happened. "She was dead and now she's not." He resolves that she may or may not be a zombie, but he's so happy to have her back that quickly blinded to the truth.

Soon after, ALL of the town's dead have risen and a full blown zombie epidemic is upon the town.

-----------------------

Life After Beth is less horror and more black comedy, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. Despite a few plot holes and unexplained phenomena, it's still a pretty rock solid little film. My only real hang up was that I couldn't not see April Ludgate. I kept waiting for Andy to come in and save the day, but he's too busy playing with LEGO and saving the galaxy.  

Overall, It was a very mild zombie flick with a not so subtle message of "let go"  and "careful what you wish for." They also saw fit to throw in at least one pair of titties for guys like me.

*turns out that guy really WAS Paul Riser.

Line of the Film:

Zack: "Beth, you fucking ate a guy!"
Beth: "Duh, Zach. I'm a fucking zombie. Zombies eat guys!"

 

Violence? Yes but nothing crazy
Explosions? Of the Living Dead
Nudity? One scene

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The Possession Of Michael King (2014)

After his wife dies, Michael King decides to use himself to prove or disprove the supernatural. Filming himself 24/7, goes through all manner of supernatural rituals hoping that some proof would finally be captured on camera. He will learn the hard way that shit is real as he finds himself tormented by a demon who's sole purpose is to "fuck him up" and get him to kill his daughter.

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The Possession of Michael King is a very tight little film. Good premise, good acting and the story actually flowed with few, if any, hiccups. If I had to gripe about this film it would be the same issue I have with every film in this genre, I will never understand why people tempt demons and spirits and shit. Does that shit ever end well?!  

Anyway, hats off to the guy that played Michael King. I have no idea why I'm noticing specific performances in these types of films all of a sudden but this guy crushed his role. I'm fairly certain he wasn't doing the contortions his character did on screen but I was impressed regardless. The Possession of Michael King is definitely worth a watch, especially if you're into the genre.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of demon related madness
Nudity? No

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Leprechaun Origins (2014)

 

Two young couples backpacking through Ireland discover that one of Ireland's most famous legends is a terrifying reality.

A group of friends are traveling through Ireland. On the last weekend of their trip, they hear of ancient Celtic ruins and of course decide to visit. What they weren't expecting was to be sacrifices to the vengeful leprechaun who torments the village seeking retribution for his stolen gold.

Let's talk Leprechaun for a second. Gone is the rapping leprechaun who use to bang in the hood.(He's probably still floating around in space.) Gone is the whimsical jokester leprechaun that comically requests his gold and can't resist shining a shoe or two. In his place is a terrible, new incarnation who is, for all intents and purposes, ugly as fuck and bred to kill. Unfortunately, since we live in a PG-13 world, a lot of the deaths were off-screen, which totally fucking sucked, but we did get one sweet spine ripping death scene. So, eh.

As for the rest of the film, no one ever really watches these films for the characters, but they were decent for what it's worth and Little Billy Williamson from Rampage might have actually survived, had he brought his suit of armor. And his guns. And his rage.Overall though,  I never thought I'd say this, but Leprechaun Origins is a pretty decent film. It is ultimately no different than the 400,000 films of this genre, yet because it is a WWE film I expected much, much worse. I mean, have you seen See No Evil? Ugh..

Check it out if you come across it. Or not. It's your life. Whatever.

 

Violence? It's there. Somewhere.
Explosions? Many pants were shat in fear
Nudity? Nope

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The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

 

I came across this flick browsing Netflix, and after reading the plot, I threw this one on immediately. It seemed like such an interesting concept. A woman with Alzheimer's may or may not be possessed and by the time everyone figures out what's going on. It may be too late.

The Taking of Deborah Logan starts off slow, but provides what may a decent depiction of life with Alzheimer's. Over the course of 60 days, a documentary film crew films a woman with the disease for a medical thing and above all else, It looks like it sucks both having and having to deal with someone who has it.

From day one, Deborah Logan seemed to be a pretty creepy old lady. The Alzheimer's didn't help her case and the eventual possession certainly didn't change my opinion. Her performance though is stellar. Pure talent.

Watching the footage, her the crew and her daughter begin to suspect there's something much more sinister taking hold of Deborah and their suspicions are confirmed once they find out she is linked to the disappearance of a local serial killer. As things get crazier, some of the most real talk ever is put to film as the cameramen basically put their feet down, ask for double pay and eventually walk the fuck away while the daughter resigns herself to alcoholism, and medical officials try to figure out just what is going on.

Because they spend so much time creating the tense atmosphere, it feels a bit longer than it is. Don't let that turn you away. It's still a solid movie and although I wasn't too happy with the direction the film took in the second act, (the logic of the possession) it managed to pull itself together to end the film decently.

Line of the film (non-spoiler):

"Fucking white people and their attics and basements." 

 

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Of creepy shit
Nudity? Surprisingly,  but titty is titty.

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Counting Dem Franklins

It's Pay Day, bitches...

It was this or Stacking Benjis and that design just sounds like it sucks outright.

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Maniac (2014)

As he helps a young artist with her upcoming exhibition, the owner of a mannequin shop's deadly, suppressed desires come to the surface.

The Cast:

• Stupid hobbit
• His killin knife
• Knife Fodder
• The entire inanimate cast of Mannequin 
• Hot blonde with shitty accent
  

Maniac, is a surprisingly good and mildly disturbing movie. Shot from the pov of a serial killer, his face is barely seen  outside of when he's looking in a mirror and ALL this dude does, is kill chicks and take scalps, like a righteous Inglorious Basterd.

He becomes obsessed with one female and tries to prove to her that they are perfect together. When that inevitably fails, he pulls out his knife and gets to work. 

Am I allowed to say that I am digging the post Frodo, Elijah Wood? He has fully tapped into his awkwardness. Dude has been awkward since Flipper, yet 30 years later he's finally accepted it and we're all better for it.

Anyway, if you are browsing Netflix and come across Maniac, give it a watch. Very few films I know of have been from the literal pov of the serial killer and I can say that very few are as entertaining.

 

Violence? Yes.
Explosions? Of knife work
Nudity? Yes. That happened.

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The One With More BYOD

I have this form. Do I need to do anything else? 

I need your BB. Do you have it on you?

No.

Okay. I need that and then we can get to work.

Well, how long does it take? 

Not very. Just need the BB to get started.

I get that, but will it take a long time? 

It will take as long as it takes for you to get me that BB.

*Blank stares*

Okay. Do you have your BB?

Yes, but not on me. It's in my office. You asked if I had it on me. 

Fine. You're right. I did.

I will get you the BB. I'll be back.

Okay.

*1 day later*

Hey, I have my BB. I remembered you asked for it.

Pfft. Then you never came back.

Yeah. 
*laughs*

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Haha. I just love asking people for help then never returning.  Such a classic gag.

Smh.

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Finger Lickin' Clean

So I was on the train the other day...


...and eventually a woman gets on with her two children, one of whom sits next to me and finishes her fries. She doesn't have a napkin so she begins to lick. Her fingers. Clean. I mean she really got in there, front, back, in between. There were no part of her fingers that hadn't be licked.  It was 100% gross and I could not take my eyes off of this gross little girl. My face was a good mixture of "contempt" and "You Nasty Bastard!"

No exaggeration, it really looked something like this...

After what felt like 5 minutes, I realized that I was staring at that little girl like I wanted to fight her and I had to turn away, lest her big 'ol bad momma noticed. I don't think anyone else saw what happened, but since then, I always carry napkins. Just in case.

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Godzilla(2014)

The world's most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity's scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.

I'm going to just come right out and say it : Godzilla sucked. It was long, dramatic, and ultimately pretty, but pointless. Most of you have already seen it, so I don't need to give it a full review but here's the gist:

A giant monster, recreated via Japanese science, breaks free and begins to terrorize the globe.  People die. Team America is reasonable for protecting the world from said monster but utterly fails as the monster can't be stopped and awakens a mate. Godzilla, whose existence the military is aware of, has apparently been tracking the monster on his own and rises from the seas to take care of business. Some other shit happened in between, but the day is saved by both Godzilla and the American Military because that's what we do!

Quick bullet point list of why this movie sucked:

• A giant monster rises in Japan, attacks Russian ships and somehow only the American Military is equipped, responsible and actively engaging the threat?
• The military's plan was to drop a nuclear bomb on a monster that they've extensively acknowledged feeds off of nuclear energy. With their logic being, "We're hoping the fallout will kill them."
• They killed Heisenberg
• It's a two hour movie and Godzilla has maybe 15 minutes of total screen time in 3 appearances.
• They humanized Godzilla. Again. Doing everything short of giving him a standing ovation as Godzilla made his heroic march back to the depths of the seas.
• This was supposed to be the largest Godzilla put to screen -which was one of the selling points for this film-but none of that was emphasized. Shit, the other monsters were about as big as he was.
• The movie was not about Godzilla. It was about the American response to the other two enemies. Which is also why I chose the poster that I did for this post.

The best parts about this movie, if there are any, are the fact that they refer to him as Gojira, and the fact that he has fire breath and used it to fire breathe down a monster's throat. 

Godzilla is weak sauce. Again, it's pretty, but that's about all it is.

 

Violence? Was.there really violence? Do we count man vs monster as violence?
Explosions? Not a lot, surprisingly
Nudity? Well, we find out they don't call him Godzilla for nothing...

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Almost Human (2013)

Two years after disappearing in a blinding blue light, a young lumberjack returns to rural Maine and embarks on a murderous rampage.

 
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On October 13th, 1987, a man is abducted when a blue light hits the car he's riding in. Running for his life, his buddy Seth turns to their mutual friend Mark who lives nearby and explains the situation. Mark of course doesn't believe him and soon the threat arrives at his house. After about a minute or so, Seth pulls out his phone to call to Liam Neeson, because Mark is also taken.

That beard enhances beast mode and multiplies his rage.

Since they live in a small town full of idiots, Seth is taken into custody as a suspect in the disappearances of his friends, but he is released due to an unsurprising lack of evidence. 2 years later, Mike returns. Different. Changed. He's headed home, looking to impregnate Jen, who was his girlfriend at the time and remake the planet in his image.

It falls on Seth and Jen to stop Mike who was already an imposing dude, but now that he's on that alien juice, has become  a rampaging beast.

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I'm not going to say. Almost Human was good.

I'm not going to say Almost Human was bad.
I am going to say that Alien Powered Roid-Rage Mike was a fucking beast.
I will also say that there was tentacle rape, if you're into that sort of stuff. No judgements. This is a judgement free blog, freak.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of alien made carnage
Nudity? No

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Smooth Operator

So I was on the train the other day...

...and there was a man chatting up this female passenger. He was trying to be smooth and attractive and she seemed attentive but unimpressed.

After about 10 minutes of conversation, he pulled out a glass coke bottle. (The ones with the twist off cap.) Neither him nor the female has a bottle-opener but being as smooth as he thought he was, he decided against twisting off the cap as he was going to open it using the bottom of the seat instead.

As he's trying to get her number, I notice he has not been paying attention to the bottle outside of placing it between the seat. Once he feels it's secure however,  he pulls up. Hard. As soon as the top came off, it sprayed soda everywhere. His suit? Ruined, Her hair? Donezo. Her outfit and the outfits of the 3 unlucky souls in the vicinity? Coke-Stained.

I called it a Moral Victory as he didn't get her number, but he did get her wet.

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Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

On the last day of a family vacation at Disney World, Jim White learns that he's lost his job. Soon thereafter, he begins to lose his mind.

I've actually been led astray by that poster. This movie is pretty bad and there's no salvaging it. I didn't have high hopes or expectations, but I didn't think it would suck sooooo much. While watching, I picked out a few things that irked me:

• This film being black n white. That takes away from the magic of Disney. Which is very well known for its (subjectively creepy) bright and colorful atmosphere.
• The dialogue & characters. Can't really decide which was worst, they both sucked. Like a pair of fake boobs, they neither felt natural.
• The writing/editing/direction. If they weren't so busy running around and filming in secret, the story would have probably felt a bit more cohesive and less rushed/disjointed.
• Smiley, giggly French girls who are clearly stoned and underaged yet are still lusted after American Beauty style by this unemployed middle aged loser. Seriously, one of the girls had braces.
• Cat flu. I guess the logic behind that was: Bird flu has been done. Swine flu is too far out. Mad cow? Not sexy enough. Why not cat flu? Genius.

The novelty of Escape From Tomorrow is that it was secretly filmed in the Disney World theme park, where they explicitly have a "no filming of any kind" policy.  That means that a lot of the film was rushed since they had to film scenes before security caught them. That was pretty ballsy on their part, but it didn't amount to anything but a time waste for everyone involved and everyone watching.

For the first 5 minutes though, it was a pretty good story. I actually sympathized with Jim White, (which is incidentally one of the laziest character names ever) who lost his job while at the happiest place on Earth and has to pretend everything is okay for his family. Not 5 minutes later,  he's standing in line with a bunch of people who are sneezing and coughing and ebola'ing Disney World. The guy doesn't even have health insurance anymore. Throw in an unruly child and a super naggy/frigid wife and I can see why he would go mad.

After that however, nothing. Just visual garbage.

Because Escape from Tomorrow sucks, it feels way longer than it is and should be. To its credit though, although the scenes where Jim White decides that alcohol is the solution to his problems are hilarious, it still doesn't excuse or save this dreck. Overall I'd say it's more of a student film or art-house film that rode the popularity of its viral stunt to a bigger release than it should have had. It flat out sucks though and if I could throw it under the bin, I would. If I could pull a Bill Cosby and buy every copy so that no one else would ever think this was good or interesting or waste their eyeballs in any other way, I definitely would.

Don't waste your time or your life on Escape From Tomorrow.

 

Violence? Yes...No. But that would have improved the film.
Explosions? Of boredom and nagging wife rage
Nudity? No They did film in Disney World, pervs.

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The Haunting of Helena (2012)

 

Soon after Sophia's young daughter loses her first tooth, a visit from "the tooth fairy" turns into a gory nightmare that won't stop.

Stop. Stop. You had me at gory.

The Cast:

• Creepy Kid
• Oblivious Adults
• The Tooth Fairy
• Benito Mussolini

The Situation:

A recently separated woman finds an apartment for her and daughter to live in and start fresh. Unbeknownst to her, their home was the site of a grisly domestic attack many years ago and since then, the woman haunts the place looking for her teeth, which were removed in the attack.

When Helena loses her first tooth and places out under the pillow, it awakens a supernatural force that sets its sights on her and kills anyone who tries to take her away.

*******************

I'm actually a fan of Tooth Fairy lore. The very idea that someone creepily enters your house while sleeping and leaves you money for your teeth? That's pretty fucking creepy and when done right, it makes for some pretty interesting stories. (I.e. Darkness Falls and the first and second acts of The Haunting of Helena.)

Helena is actually kinda decent and quickly goes from 0-60 after the titular(heh) character loses her first tooth. How so? Well, the very next day her mother is called to school because she's been buying other children's teeth with money the tooth fairy has given her to do so. WWII era money. Crazy, right? Why was this not given more attention?  Because Helena is a child and everyone instantly dismisses everything she says and does as child stuff.

Movies like this annoy me. If the kid tells you that shit has gotten real and you're a witness to shit getting real, why not put 100% faith in the kid going forward? Clearly they aren't lying! That's like the one of the dumbest tropes in horror flicks.
 

If I have a kid, and something like this happens, I'm either believing every word they say, or I'm putting them down. Better safe than sorry I always say.

On the other end of the spectrum, her mother wears Uggs and clearly deserves all that happens to her.

/rant

Again, that nonsense aside, it's a decent little film with a few scares and a solid premise. The visuals are pretty good and the story does just enough to keep you watching until the end.  After that? Well, it'd be too late to do anything about it. Unless you're a blogger. Aww who am I kidding?  no one reads this crap.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dead End (2003)

Deadly Consequences arise when Frank and his wife opt for an unfamiliar ride through the first and stop to pick up a mysterious hitchhiker.

 

A clearly disgruntled family is driving down the road on a trip to a relative's house for Xmas. It's the type of trip where you stay on the same road and the car never runs out of gas, so needless to say,  everyone is edgy and tense and ready to get stabby. Along the way, the father inexplicably picks up a hitchhiker and stops at a barn filled with all types of blunt, sharp and stabby weapons. Mildly subverting the genre, that barn actually does not come into play other than being a landmark of sorts for later events.

Well, how do they die then? I wish I could tell you, but they all died off screen as if this was some PG-13 wank fest. Even the few who died on screen were pretty tame.

Anyway, as much as I enjoy Ray Wise, even he couldn't save this movie. The ending alone cost it a few stars and yes, while it ended the only way it could, that doesn't changed that it sucked. 

Hitchhiking Pro-tips:

• If you should ever find yourself driving down a road, possibly lost, do not stop to pick up any hitchhikers. 
• Do not stop for shit left in the middle of the road. 
• Do not ever get out of the car and I shouldn't have to tell you this, but do not let your only daughter walk down the road by herself especially when you have no earthly idea where you are.

 

Violence? Yes. Maybe. Idk was off-screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Big Bang

So I was on the train the other day...

...idling, when a very tall man entered the train car. He went for a side seat, didn't notice the pole overhead, and banged into it. From where I sat, not only was I able to hear the impact, but I was also able to see the result. Basically, the pole was not going to give, so his head did and quickly. Afterwards, he sat down as if nothing happened.

I began to stifle a laugh and when I looked up, I noticed that the dude who sat across from me was just staring at me, basically daring me to laugh. I pulled out a book to try to cover my face, but that made things more obvious when I realized I was "reading" upside down. I laughed harder after that.

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Rigor Mortis(2012)

 A public housing tenement is plunged into a dark storm of supernatural chaos.

The Cast:

• The Bella Twins
• The Soulless Body aka David Blaine
• The Bait
• The Hunter
• The Dark Lord

The Situation:

After accidentally murdering an old man, the Dark Lord, who happens to dabble in necromancy, makes a promise to bring him back to his grieving widow. He manages to do so, but notes that he's missing a soul. To his delight, there are twin ghosts terrorizing the building who just happen to be looking for a body to inhabit.

Peanut butter meets Jelly and shit gets real. Coming to the rescue is the bait and the Hunter who helps although he'd rather just cook rice and get along with the ghosts.  

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Rigor Mortis is supposedly a homage to a series of Hong Kong Vampire flicks. I don't know anything about that. What I do know, is that this film combines two of my favorite genres (supernatural and martial arts) and spits out a very decent film. The visuals are fantastic and not to be understated. The monster was bad on its own, but definitely worse once infused with twin magic.

My prediction? You won't love it, you won't hate it, but you'll enjoy how pretty it looks.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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Blood Lake (2014)

 ****Killer Eels have been #6 on my Most Wanted list for quite some time, so you can imagine my joy when I came across this gem. Netflix and their cavalcade of shitty horror flicks are slowly but surely helping me cross more animals off the list.****

 

Thousands of starved Lamprey eels begun attacking the citizens of a sleepy lake town, leaving the community scrambling to stay alive.

Blood Lake is exactly what I imagined a movie about Killer Eels world be. The reality of it is that these films are pretty much paint by numbers. Nothing ever really changes except the animal, but it's fun to see people find new and ridiculous ways to get slaughtered in easily avoidable situations. Plus the character that plays the asshole mayor usually gets his comeuppance. Only once has a mayor gotten away with that dicketry.

Anyway, the town is being overrun by Lamprey Eels. They are aggressive, they are hungry, they've eaten through the local ecosystem, and now they have a taste for human blood. It's up to the head of fish and wildlife to put on his big boy pants and save the town and by extension the world.

The characters are stupid and over dramatic, the dialogue is meh, the visuals suck, but damn if those eels don't Fuck people up, and quite honestly, that's all I came to see. I watched worth childlike glee as the dumbest characters died in the most brutal of ways, death by eels.

Fat Shannon Dorety is a bonus and the mayor is played by Christopher Lloyd. His comeuppance? Let's just say the Delorean takes an eel to the tailpipe if you catch my drift. 

 

Even with all of that, it feels longer than it is, so I'll wrap this up the question on all of your minds:

Should we ever find ourselves besieged by killer eels, how would one defeat them? :

• Fire
• Weed whackers
• Electricity
• Dead eels. Yes, dead eels.

 

*Also, I'm fully aware that Eels and Lampreys are two different fish, but it's my blog. So, what's up?

Violence? Hot eel on human action
Explosions? It was raining eels nowhere was safe. Not even underpants
Nudity? Nope.

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The Monkey's Paw (2013)

When Jake Tilton receives a money's paw. A cursed artifact that grants the bearer three wishes, he discovers that there's a dark twist to the gift.

The Monkey's Paw is based on that old classic tale whose moral is pretty much, "Be careful what you wish for. " The Monkey Paw itself, is like the Djinn from Wishmaster. It'll grant you your deepest desires, but also spin it in a very evil/twisted way.

I wished for this film to be good, yet here I sit, disappointed. There was just so much potential in this film, but not only did it go nowhere, it took a good while to get there. It's tough to talk about it without spoiling it, but instead of being a movie where you have to think about creative wishes, it becomes a movie where there's a human enemy who isn't above killing to get what he wants. Bleh. The other part of it is, the bulk of events could have been easily avoided if the main characters weren't so fucking stupid.

Anyway, *eye roll* the best part about this movie is that they did not skimp or shy away from cranium based explosions. Heads were pooping like pimples. It was awesome.

Twitter:  Monkey's Paw?  Simpsons did it!...better.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of the cranial kind
Nudity? Nope. Surprisingly. But the violence covered it.

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The Gauntlet

So I was on the train the other day...

...and coming back late, I ran into a hobo. Meh, "No big deal," I thought as there are always hobos on the train at night. That night however, I must have pissed off some deity because as I was making my way towards the end car, each preceding car had more hobos than the previous one. It was clearly a test of wills and before I could reach the final car, I had to wait in a car containing no less than 8 sleeping hobos.

 Something like this, but pretend it was their funk that was clubbing me.

Each had their own separate funk and eventually it combined into something so amazingly terrible, the thought of it still keeps me up at night. Everyone knows that hobo funk is released mainly while they are sleeping. 8 hobos, though? That may have been too much.

When I reached the final car, it hit me: I had just run a Gauntlet of Hobos and my lungs would never be the same.

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Oldboy (2014)

The Cast:

• Josh Brolin
• Elizabeth Olsen
• Christopher Moltisanti
• Sam Jackson
• Bond Villain 46

The Situation:

On the night of his daughter's 3rd birthday, a self-absorbed, alcoholic salesman finds himself abducted and awakens to find himself trapped in a hotel room. It is nearly 20 years later when he's released and he sets out to uncover the mystery of why he was imprisoned and by whom.

The Resolution:

If you've watched the original, you know how this turns out. If you're watching this for the first time, you, like our "hero," may not like what you discover.

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Oldboy (2014) is an American remake of the beloved Korean film OldBoy With a few deviations here and there, it played surprisingly close to the original. As this one was being directed by Spike Lee, I was expecting a completely different film,  but it really wasn't that bad. Of course the original is better, but this wasn't "A Spike Lee Joint." If that makes sense to anyone.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Booty. Man Butt. Fleece Johnson would be proud....And aroused.

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The Sacrament

 

The Cast:

• A Vice Documentary film crew
• A cult
• Father

The Situation: 

After receiving a mysterious letter from his estranged sister, a vice journalist agrees to bring a crew with him as he attempts to reunite with her at a religious commune on another continent. 

Eden Parish upon first glance seems to be Heaven on Earth for its inhabitants. Father has made it possible and preaches peace and family. With the arrival of the outsiders, however, their tranquility is shaken and the journalists learn that there is a lot more to this church group than they originally thought.

The Resolution:

Have you ever heard of Jonestown? Now picture that story, but from their point of view.

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The Sacrament is unnerving. Not because of traditional scares or general horror film bullshit, but because this is the type of shit that actually happens. From the moment they told the story of the letter, you knew something wasn't right, but the tension would be continuously built until that damn burst, and shit got real. And the worst of it is realizing that this shit has, does, and somehow will continue to happen. 

I don't want to spoil it for you or worse, hype it up, but The Sacrament is the type of film you watch and then you don't want to deal with anything else. I finished it, then said, "I- I just want to go to bed," and seriously just went to bed after. It was 3pm!  Smh. 

Outside of mine, this film has nothing but negative reviews. I liked it. Wouldn't watch it again, but it was genuinely fucked up and worth at least one watch if you're into fucked up movies.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Christ love
Nudity? No

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The Grossness #3

This is the shit I deal with on an almost daily basis:

This charger was returned to us in this condition:

That right there is a laptop charger. Now, I can't tell you whether that's human hair or animal fur but I can tell you that it's 100% gross.

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Haunt (2013)

An introvert teen befriends his new neighbor, and together the couple begin to explore the haunted house that his family has just purchased.

 

The Cast:

• Horny teens
• Skeptical family
• Crazy former resident
• Malevolent force

The Situation:

A family moves into a home where several members of the previous family were found dead in separate incidents. The house is established as being pretty fucking creepy, but that's quickly ignored by the new tenants who of course, see it as a fresh start.
At some point in the film, their teenage finds himself seduced by the neighbor's vagina, learns she's being abused and decides to save a ho. Together they discover what appears to be a device that allows them to communicate with the dead and since there wasn't a Ouija board available, they use that.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

The Resolution:

There is none. People die. The Malevolent spirit lives and the cycle starts anew.

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Outside of hitting at the standard horror bs, I really couldn't determine where they were going or trying to go with this film. I was super confused by the end and the worst part is, I barely remember why I was confused. Which makes me madder. 

The best part of the film was the first exchange between the teens after they contact the dead, where the male character practically states, "It fucking worked. It wasn't supposed to work. It's never supposed to work. I don't want any part of this. I'm out." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Only of boredom and stupidity
Nudity? No

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Crazy Money!!!

So I'm on the train the other day...

...and this hobo gets on, drops to his knees and does the usual cry for help. I was in my own little world, so I had no idea if he actually got any money, but judging by what happened next, I'm assuming he didn't.

After his spiel, he rose and walked to the other end of the car asking for change. When everyone ignores him, he gets this crazed look in his eyes and screams at the top of his lungs, "AHHHH, SOMEBODY GIVE ME MONEEEYYYY!!!!" Then walks off the train laughing.

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Forget Me Not (2013)

I wasn't going to write a review for Forget Me Not as it's largely a paint by numbers teens vs ghosts type of flick and if you've seen one, you've seen them all. Here's the rub, I was digging the concept of this film:

A group of teens play a game of ghost tag in a cemetery and soon find themselves playing ghost tag for realz and we learn that only one can survive the game. During the game, very subtle shifts would occur as each teen met their demise, however, with only one of them being aware of the shift, they are instantly branded as crazy and helpless to stop the onslaught. Once I figured out what they were doing, I had to see how it played out. 

It is important to note that there are no minorities in this film. I'm fairly certain that it's because they couldn't get one of us to play these crazy white people's games in the middle of a graveyard.

And since I'm here, what is it with White people and "unwittingly" summoning the dead? There's almost always a Ouija board, a seance failing that, and should those not be options, "how about we play tag in the graveyards?" Seriously?! 

This is what happens when you play tag in cemeteries!

It is also important to note that the effects and dialogue were pretty bad and there was not any gratuitous nudity.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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