The Babadook (2014)

A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son's fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.

The Babadook is beloved amongst horror fans and critics. Honestly, I thought it was pretty good up until they shit the bed in the ending. 3 stars is appropriate. nothing more, nothing less and the whole story pretty much boils down to this: How many times must we think children are crazy before we actually believe their crazy bullshit? Seriously, how much can you stand before you actually believe them?

"The Babadook is real and I don't want you to die!" okay, I may not be afraid of that statement.
 

But:
"He going to scare you first."
"You may not be afraid of him now, but you will be when he's eating your insides."  Hmm...I like my insides...you know, inside. 

That right there may be a cause for concern but in light of all that, why wait for the Babadook? Just end it now. That kid sucks anyway and he's totally threatening your life bro. You know what you have to do. 

The Babadook is definitely worth a watch, but just one. I honestly don't think I can enjoy it twice. The Kid was creepy and the mother was reckless. However their was a palpitating sense of dread and that carried the movie from beginning to end and speaking of which, I really want to talk about that (the end) since I know no one actually reads this blog,  (although you totally should)  but there may be at least one guy/gal who does, so I won't. The end is stupid though. You'll see.

Ba
Baa
Dook
Doook!
Doooook!!! 

Violence? I guess. A dog died so there's that
Explosions? Of repressed and latent anger
Nudity? No.

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Knights of Badassdom (2013)

 

Live-action role players conjure up a demon from Hell by mistake and they must deal with the consequences.

Knights of Badassdom is a dope ass horror comedy hybrid based around the concept of Live Action Role Playing and while the title is clunky as fuck, the film is put together well (and the soundtrack is fucking fantastic.) You can tell that everyone actually enjoyed themselves while making the film and that showed. On top of that, blood, guts and metal really fleshed out the film.

I can't give it a 5 because of one particular scene, but personal grievances aside, it doesn't fit my criteria because I wouldn't buy it. I can see myself owning it, but I wouldn't walk into a store specifically looking for this film to purchase. It's still a rock solid film and I dug it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of Rock!
Nudity? No

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Witching & Bitching (2013)

In this heist film turned horror-fest, a gang of thieves lands in a coven of witches who are preparing for an ancient ritual -- and need a sacrifice.

If I were trying to talk you into watching this film. I'd say: "Witching and Bitching is like a Spanish version of From Dusk til Dawn in that it starts as one gene and quickly transitions into something darker."

But that's where it ends. Witching & Bitching is a different beast. This shit showed up on my Netflix list and was a five star movie. It basically dared me to watch and I can't express exactly how much I enjoyed it. Tight, hilarious dialogue, committed characters, impressive set pieces and effects, slick direction, this film had it all and each piece kept things moving in the right direction quickly. It's over before you know it.

The only real drawback is the ending. But most movies these days write themselves into a hole so I can forgive that.

With all that said, Witching & Bitching earns a solid 5. It's an  enjoyable film that hits my "5 star" criteria:

• I'd watch it again
• I'm certain others would enjoy it
• I'd buy it.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Possession Of Michael King (2014)

After his wife dies, Michael King decides to use himself to prove or disprove the supernatural. Filming himself 24/7, goes through all manner of supernatural rituals hoping that some proof would finally be captured on camera. He will learn the hard way that shit is real as he finds himself tormented by a demon who's sole purpose is to "fuck him up" and get him to kill his daughter.

-----------------

The Possession of Michael King is a very tight little film. Good premise, good acting and the story actually flowed with few, if any, hiccups. If I had to gripe about this film it would be the same issue I have with every film in this genre, I will never understand why people tempt demons and spirits and shit. Does that shit ever end well?!  

Anyway, hats off to the guy that played Michael King. I have no idea why I'm noticing specific performances in these types of films all of a sudden but this guy crushed his role. I'm fairly certain he wasn't doing the contortions his character did on screen but I was impressed regardless. The Possession of Michael King is definitely worth a watch, especially if you're into the genre.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of demon related madness
Nudity? No

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The Haunting of Helena (2012)

 

Soon after Sophia's young daughter loses her first tooth, a visit from "the tooth fairy" turns into a gory nightmare that won't stop.

Stop. Stop. You had me at gory.

The Cast:

• Creepy Kid
• Oblivious Adults
• The Tooth Fairy
• Benito Mussolini

The Situation:

A recently separated woman finds an apartment for her and daughter to live in and start fresh. Unbeknownst to her, their home was the site of a grisly domestic attack many years ago and since then, the woman haunts the place looking for her teeth, which were removed in the attack.

When Helena loses her first tooth and places out under the pillow, it awakens a supernatural force that sets its sights on her and kills anyone who tries to take her away.

*******************

I'm actually a fan of Tooth Fairy lore. The very idea that someone creepily enters your house while sleeping and leaves you money for your teeth? That's pretty fucking creepy and when done right, it makes for some pretty interesting stories. (I.e. Darkness Falls and the first and second acts of The Haunting of Helena.)

Helena is actually kinda decent and quickly goes from 0-60 after the titular(heh) character loses her first tooth. How so? Well, the very next day her mother is called to school because she's been buying other children's teeth with money the tooth fairy has given her to do so. WWII era money. Crazy, right? Why was this not given more attention?  Because Helena is a child and everyone instantly dismisses everything she says and does as child stuff.

Movies like this annoy me. If the kid tells you that shit has gotten real and you're a witness to shit getting real, why not put 100% faith in the kid going forward? Clearly they aren't lying! That's like the one of the dumbest tropes in horror flicks.
 

If I have a kid, and something like this happens, I'm either believing every word they say, or I'm putting them down. Better safe than sorry I always say.

On the other end of the spectrum, her mother wears Uggs and clearly deserves all that happens to her.

/rant

Again, that nonsense aside, it's a decent little film with a few scares and a solid premise. The visuals are pretty good and the story does just enough to keep you watching until the end.  After that? Well, it'd be too late to do anything about it. Unless you're a blogger. Aww who am I kidding?  no one reads this crap.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Rigor Mortis(2012)

 A public housing tenement is plunged into a dark storm of supernatural chaos.

The Cast:

• The Bella Twins
• The Soulless Body aka David Blaine
• The Bait
• The Hunter
• The Dark Lord

The Situation:

After accidentally murdering an old man, the Dark Lord, who happens to dabble in necromancy, makes a promise to bring him back to his grieving widow. He manages to do so, but notes that he's missing a soul. To his delight, there are twin ghosts terrorizing the building who just happen to be looking for a body to inhabit.

Peanut butter meets Jelly and shit gets real. Coming to the rescue is the bait and the Hunter who helps although he'd rather just cook rice and get along with the ghosts.  

################

Rigor Mortis is supposedly a homage to a series of Hong Kong Vampire flicks. I don't know anything about that. What I do know, is that this film combines two of my favorite genres (supernatural and martial arts) and spits out a very decent film. The visuals are fantastic and not to be understated. The monster was bad on its own, but definitely worse once infused with twin magic.

My prediction? You won't love it, you won't hate it, but you'll enjoy how pretty it looks.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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The Monkey's Paw (2013)

When Jake Tilton receives a money's paw. A cursed artifact that grants the bearer three wishes, he discovers that there's a dark twist to the gift.

The Monkey's Paw is based on that old classic tale whose moral is pretty much, "Be careful what you wish for. " The Monkey Paw itself, is like the Djinn from Wishmaster. It'll grant you your deepest desires, but also spin it in a very evil/twisted way.

I wished for this film to be good, yet here I sit, disappointed. There was just so much potential in this film, but not only did it go nowhere, it took a good while to get there. It's tough to talk about it without spoiling it, but instead of being a movie where you have to think about creative wishes, it becomes a movie where there's a human enemy who isn't above killing to get what he wants. Bleh. The other part of it is, the bulk of events could have been easily avoided if the main characters weren't so fucking stupid.

Anyway, *eye roll* the best part about this movie is that they did not skimp or shy away from cranium based explosions. Heads were pooping like pimples. It was awesome.

Twitter:  Monkey's Paw?  Simpsons did it!...better.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of the cranial kind
Nudity? Nope. Surprisingly. But the violence covered it.

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Haunt (2013)

An introvert teen befriends his new neighbor, and together the couple begin to explore the haunted house that his family has just purchased.

 

The Cast:

• Horny teens
• Skeptical family
• Crazy former resident
• Malevolent force

The Situation:

A family moves into a home where several members of the previous family were found dead in separate incidents. The house is established as being pretty fucking creepy, but that's quickly ignored by the new tenants who of course, see it as a fresh start.
At some point in the film, their teenage finds himself seduced by the neighbor's vagina, learns she's being abused and decides to save a ho. Together they discover what appears to be a device that allows them to communicate with the dead and since there wasn't a Ouija board available, they use that.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

The Resolution:

There is none. People die. The Malevolent spirit lives and the cycle starts anew.

----------------------------

Outside of hitting at the standard horror bs, I really couldn't determine where they were going or trying to go with this film. I was super confused by the end and the worst part is, I barely remember why I was confused. Which makes me madder. 

The best part of the film was the first exchange between the teens after they contact the dead, where the male character practically states, "It fucking worked. It wasn't supposed to work. It's never supposed to work. I don't want any part of this. I'm out." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Only of boredom and stupidity
Nudity? No

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Haunter (2013)

Putting a new spin on spooky, the haunted soul in this film--15 year old Lisa--is long dead, and the ghost she senses is a flesh-and-blood teen.

Our central character is Lisa Johnson, a typical suburban teen. Snotty, angsty, and pretty much apathetic. After her parents sit her down for a talk, she reveals to them that they are living in what appears to be a time loop. Of course they don't believe her, which also explains her attitude.

While doing the laundry, she appears to have seen a ghost and as the strange occurrences multiply, she believes the place to be haunted. As she starts to dig deeper into the mystery, Lisa makes contact with a living teen, Olivia, who begs for help as she's desperately trying to convince her family that the house isn't safe. Lisa then races to solve the mystery of the house before it claims another family.

--------

"In a twist, a dead girl finds herself haunted by the living."  What a great premise!  Think about it, what if the living are haunting the dead? How exactly would that play out? Definitely an interesting concept.

I thought the film was going to be a haunting from the ghosts' pov, with a "big"  reveal in the end, but they let on pretty early that Lisa was already dead. What we got instead was a murder mystery told from the side of a dead girl, who is trying to prevent history from repeating itself. 

Haunter is secretly entertaining and one of the better films to go into blind. I only have two gripes: 

1. When Lisa first thought she was being haunted, she immediately pulled out a Ouija board from her attic:

Why is it that when white people feel their place is haunted they go straight to the Ouija board. Do all white people have ouija boards on their houses? Is that a thing?

2. The house has claimed a number of victims through the years and they've all died seemingly in the same manner. The way they were portrayed though, each family lived the same way as well. The youngest child playing video games, the mother oblivious, the father turning and the oldest child not feeling good about the situation. It was weird, in the sense of, "just how much control does this house have?"

Outside of that, good movie. Very engaging and well put together.

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Odd Thomas (2013)

In a California desert town, a short-order cook with clairvoyant abilities encounters a mysterious man with a link to dark, threatening forces.

A man with clairvoyant abilities races to stop an evil. The problem with it is that he doesn't know the nature of the incident. The bulk of the film is Thomas, with the help of his super foxy girlfriend, Stormy, using his psychic and detective skills to try and uncover the mystery. The one thing he does know is that someone is going to bring a massive amount of death and misery to the town, and being the only secret psychic detective, he must to solve the case and save the town.

I can't remember when I heard about this, or what for that matter,  but I vaguely recall it being good things.

Odd Thomas is very similar in tone to John Dies at the End and if you couldn't tell from that review, I really liked that film. It's a fun little detective story that's unlike any of the previous ones we've seen and the chemistry between the cast is fantastic and one of the highlights of this film. Unfortunately, it seems to be one of the films that got caught in the 3D fad. The 3D is kinda weak, and while it doesn't ruin the film, it does take a bit away. Outside of that, I can't express how much I enjoyed the movie. The comedy works in the context of the film, as in it isn't too much or too little and the visuals are excellent as well. By the third act, I found myself really invested. Like emotionally. I like films like these; Witty dialogue, likable characters, cohesive story and everything fits together and all is tied up neatly by the end. 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Insidious 2 (2013)

 

Direct Sequel to 2011s surprise hit. Same cast. Picking up directly where we left off. I wasn't planning to watch this so soon, but when opportunity knocks...

The Cast:

• Elise - Spirit hunter
• Josh - Spirit possessed
• Renai - Spirit worried
• Dalton - Spirit hero
• Other kid - useful, in spirit
• Josh's mom - Foxxy in Spirit

The Situation:

Immediately following the events of what we're now calling "Chapter 1," we find Renai in an interrogation room, explaining the previous events to officer Steve Harvey who suspects that Josh is  responsible for Elise's murder.  

Josh and his family move into his foxxy mama's house while theirs is being investigated. They are trying to put themselves back together but it seems the spirits won't let them rest.

Resolution: 

Discovering/realizing/accepting that Josh was in fact possessed, they decided that the best course of action was to try to render him unconscious and expel the demon from his body.

The demon however would have none of that.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Insidious: Chapter 2, tries to be, but isn't as outright creepy as the first. It does get crazy, but It's more of a well written story that aims to bridge the first and (inevitable) third films than an all out scarefest. For what it's worth, it's actually dope how they pieced it together with the footage from the first film. It explained a lot of things and was very well executed. It's not a cheap money grabbing sequel. There's a story and since the studios, in their infinite wisdom, decided that every villain needs a story, Chapter Two is just that. We get to find out the origin of the spirit hunting and trying to kill their family. [Joy!] Dalton, as creepy as he is, is okay, but this story is about Josh, because as the movie unfolds, you realize that this all started with him. 

The end of the film sets up yet another sequel, but if chapter 3 is about the adventures of Elise, Specs and Bad Beard Bret, I wouldn't be too broken up. They are hilarious and have awesome chemistry.

His beard is atrocious and an affront to all bearded men everywhere.

 Random Observations:

• "So that's what that was about" said by a character with a wink and nod to the  events in both films.
• Who names their kid Kali and pronounces it (Kelly)? The same type of people who are named Renee but spells it like Renai.
• Why is everyone's beard so shitty? The costume people had one job. Get your beards right, cuz! You know this movie is opening worldwide, right?
• Josh swears up and down that everything is cool and he just wants to move on. Yet just about everything he says and does is so damn creepy. Somehow this sets off no alarms. 

 

Violence? Alluded to. Little blood here. Little blood there.
Explosions? Of astroprojected madness
Nudity? Implied. But does ghost titty count? It wasn't there. I'm just curious.

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The Apparition (2012)

Draco Malfoy and friends work to summon a demon into our realm. Dealing with Mudbloods just wasn't enough for Ol' Draco. He had to kick it up a notch.

The Cast:

Boy, handy Ben
Girl, sexy lil thang
Malfoy
Pepper the dog who sees dead people
Neighbors, because why not?

The Situation:

The Charles Experiment was a paranormal experiment carried out in the 70s where a few people tried to contact the ghost of a deceased teammate. Many years later, a group of college kids attempt to recreate the experiment. The first time they opened the door. The second, they attempted to contain the ghost but instead opened it wider. 

Now they are dealing with a malevolent spirit who wants to be in their world and won't stop haunting them until it gets what it wants.

Resolution:

Draco shows up and convinces them that they need to try to recreate the experiment but in reverse, hoping to close the door that the ghost came in through.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The Apparition was the result of a college experiment to summon a spirit and capture it. I know they say that "College is a time for experimentation," but I'm pretty sure that whoever said that didn't mean that it was okay to summon demons. Still, ya gotta love the movies where ALL evidence points to a haunting and yet somehow, someone is able to convince everyone else that shit is cool, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

My biggest gripe with this movie was the characters making very stupid decisions/statements and I've seen enough of this genre to know that if that's my biggest gripe, then you're okay as a film. They clearly tried to do the best with what they had and aside from its faults, it's actually a pretty creepy film. But shit like nailing yourself in a room with a ghost flat out ridiculous.

My lesser gripe being that they come up with a girl who is not only sexy, but talks trash, drinks beer and can whoop ass in Street Fighter 4. Then immediately threaten her life. That's my horror movie dream girl. You take your filthy spirit hands of her you Damn Dirty Demon! 

Being ghost smothered by a bed sheet is stupid but hilarious. I bet she regrets that 500 thread cotton.

Again, it wasn't a terrible movie, but it wasn't great. I thought the whole premise was that the ghost was thought into existence and needed them to believe it was real to survive. At least that's kind of how it was marketed, iirc.

Stray Quotage:

"We believed that we were studying this entity. But it's been studying us."

"Your house is not haunted. You are."

"What were you thinking?

      Well at least I didn't run away, act like it didn't happen.
I did not!" [Yeah, you did]

"Where are you going? You can't abandon this house. You're not even dressed!"

      Yes I can! There's no way I'm staying in this house tonight!" [She was seriously in a t shirt and panties. No stocks no shoes.]

"Do you want to leave?
      No. My parents are counting on us to look after their place. I can't tell then that their house is haunted." [Stupid reason]

"Your house killed my dog."

"I thought that if you didn't know anything, you'd be safe. I was trying to protect you." [Hiding a demon is different than scratching a car, dude]

[Walking in after seeing he's busted] "I can explain...[it's not what it looks like... Classic Defense]

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Of demon rage
Nudity? Teased, never delivered

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Red Mist (2008)

A young doctor decides to test an experimental drug on a man who's been languishing in a coma, and the procedure has unexpected consequences: Although the man's body remains rooted to his hospital bed, his spirit can move around at will.

After an acquaintance has a seizure during A night out, a team of young medical interns drop his body at a hospital and work to keep their stories straight. They decided they can't risk their lives and careers admitting the truth so they all pretend it didn't happen. Feeling bad, one of the ladies decides to research a drug that may help the man to recover. The problem is that it is highly experimental and has never been tested on humans. After giving him steady shots of the drug, she finds that he is responsible for the murderers of her friends as he can now control people mentally while seeking revenge for the events of that night.

Red Mist is both bad and pointless. It feels like a lot was cut out, but I'm sure even the omitted parts couldn't salvage this dreck. Skip it. Burn it. And definitely stay away if you or anyone you know suffers from epilepsy. The last scene is unbearable.

Fun Fact: If she had let the guy die in the first place, like her friends wanted, everyone would have lived. That makes her a selfish do-gooder asshole.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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IT [TV Mini-Series] (1990)

In 1960, seven outcast kids known as "The Loser Club" fight an evil demon who poses as a child-killing clown. 30 years later, they are called back to fight the same clown again.

Something is clearly amiss in the town of Derry, in the Great State of Maine. Throughout the years, many kids have been missing and or killed and the only guy with a clue as to what's happening, is a librarian. Finding a pic of a small boy who died years ago, he calls up an old friend, Bill, and simply says, "He's back."

The Characters:

A small group of bffs who banded together as kids to fight bullies, build dams and destroy evil. They reunite 30 yrs later to once again save the day [and maybe rebuild the dam if there's time].

The bullies [Including Belchy, the lackey who's sole dialogue consists of belching]

Pennywise the Murderous Clown aka IT aka the Ancient Evil aka The Eater of Worlds.

Officer O'Malley [who's sole line is: "top o the mornin' lads" and you just know he practiced that for weeks.]

The Situation:

An evil being who can somehow read  minds and project people's worst fears, has taken the form of a clown named Pennywise, and terrorizes a small town in Maine for the past few centuries. Killing children, eating worlds, you know, the usual supernatural demon stuff.

Pennywise torments his victims before killing them and a group of kids who've, at some point, all had a run in with the clown, band together determined to take him down. They make a promise to come back and finish the job if they don't get it done. 30yrs later, they reunite  as adults, to put him away for good. Pennywise hasn't forgotten them and although we warns then away, he is focused on finishing what he started years ago.

How They Escaped:

30 years ago, they banded together, went into his lair and busted up his head with some rocks and battery acid. They managed to flee in the chaos.

30 yrs later, they go back into his lair and find his true form, [discover the hard way that rocks and battery acid were child's play] and eventually find a way to  muderize it,  Finishing the job once and for all. They neglected to eat his heart and gain his powers though.

I hate clowns. But it's Halloween and what's better than a killer clown flick? (A: Zombie clowns, but that's neither here nor there) with that in mind, I finally decided to nut up and watch this film.
For as creepy as IT is, only in a movie about a killer clown, can your heroes be a librarian, an asthmatic and a stuttering author.

Georgie a small child, who was taken by Pennywise a long time ago. Apparently, Bill, Mike and a group of other kids got rid of him, but he's returned to wreak havoc and snatch up more kids for food.

The narrative jumps between the past and the present and we eventually get the whole story.

A good chunk of the beginning is basically "getting the band back together" as the central characters are introduced and their story is told. Tim Curry puts in an amazing performance as Pennywise. Equally disturbing and darkly comedic.

What I hated about IT, besides it's length, was the ending: A bike ride? Seriously?! Since when does a bike ride cure autism?! You know what? Fuck you, Stephen King! You can't write an ending for shit.

Stray Quotage:

• Some people have no class.
• Some people's parents are janitors." [Little kids are so fucking hurtful]
• Nobody kicks me! [Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!]
• I hate you. My mom says you're only here because it's our Christian duty!
• You get the hell back here Bevy! or by God I'll whip the skin off you!
• Stem is a Jew. That means he's really smart and says 'oy' a lot.
• Are we men, or are we mice? (In unison) We're mice!
• You don't need any friends Eddie, except for your own mom!" [Friends are the debil, Bobby!]
• Kill? Me?  I am eternal, child! I am the Eater of Worlds. Eater of children. And You Are Next! [Line of the film, btw.]
• Just let go! You all taste so much better when you're afraid!

Violence? OffScreen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Night of the Demons (2009)

A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons.

After what looks to be an awesome Halloween party is shutdown, a group of friends find themselves fighting for their lives as they accidentally summon demons who threaten to take over the world.

Night of the Demons is eh. The special effects are crazy, but as usual for a movie of this genre, it
drags towards the end. There are a few unpredictable moments, but it went on a bit longer than it needed.

They actually included an Action girl montage as the last one standing grabs a shotgun, toughens up, and prepares to kick some ass. I'm a sucker for those scenes. I can spare a half point for that.

What will lose them points is this question:
If you found a centuries old skeleton in a house that isn't yours on Halloween night, Why the hell would you try to steal it's gold teeth? Follow up question: If your friend was bitten by a skeleton, and everyone saw, would you really stay any longer in that house?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Last Exorcism 2 (2013)

As Nell Sweetzer tries to build a new life after the events of the first movie, the evil force that once possessed her returns with an even more horrific plan.

 

The Cast:

• Nell, a young girl who may or may not have been possessed by the demon Abalam in the first film.
• Abalam, the demon who was in fact real.
• Miss Cleo, who appears later in the film and tries to lend a helping hand during the madness.

 

The Situation: 

Recused from the clutches of Abalam, Nell is cleaned up and starts life anew, attempting to put her past behind her. The demon Abalam, as it turns out, is very real and attempting to consume her body because she's the harbinger of his destruction. Apparently Abalam has left a piece of himself inside Nell, and in a desperate attempt to save her and the world, she undergoes yet another exorcism. As the saying goes, "You're only as good as your first."

The Resolution:

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that shit happens, but I'd be ruining the movie if I told you exactly what went down and since I can't do spoiler tags on this blog, you're boned; Doomed to watch this dreck if you are curious. People do die though, so there's that.

Some days, I think to myself that ghost/demon sex may be the best sex of all.

The Last Exorcism 2 gained points for being a sequel that started off exactly where the first ended, but that's where it stops. Yes, the last "Last" film, ended weird and open to interpretation, and yes, I do hate that, but it was decent enough to pique my interest in the sequel. Which turned out to be a seriously lackluster film. It moved so slow and was so bad that I lost interest quickly and was just waiting for it to end. I want you to understand, the first did not set the bar super high or anything, but it was competent, at least, and told and a story. This was just flat out terrible and a waste of resources.

At least the first had the preacher. He was charismatic enough to carry it through. Nell was the sole highlight of this film. She was creepy and did a solid job maintaining tension but the nothing happening until the very end and then that shit not at all being worth the wait is what hurts the film.

I don't know what I expected, but my feelings are hurt. The only way I'd accept this film is if it was a setup to an action packed third film. But this movie was a turd and should never be mentioned again.

Violence? Yes. Eventually and even that was weak.
Explosions? Of passive aggressiveness.
Nudity? Nada. They could have at least thrown us a bone.

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The Nun (2005)

Years after graduation, the alumnae of a girls' Catholic school are terrorized by the ghost of a sadistic nun from their high school.

Someone or something, is picking off women and making it appear to be suicides or accidents. After the first two victims are killed, a woman sees what appears to be a nun at both scenes.

During a Senior trip to Barcelona, a young woman named Eve, attempts to do research on the school and the nun, since everything occurred in Spain. She meets a priest who helps her to track down another former student and friend of her mom.  Together, they learn that the school had been closed since 1988 the same year the nun disappeared.

After just missing the third victim, Eve and her friends head toward their school to warn the surviving women of what happened. She finds the them and tells them that Sister Ursula is the one killing people. They vehemently deny that it's her because Sister Ursula is dead. Eve presses on, determined to figure out the cause of the murders. Meanwhile nunny is just picking them off - One by one with water related deaths - while working her way towards Eve. Apparently she plays a larger role in this story than is initially let on and according to the other two, she's completely responsible.

I saw this and said, "A movie about a killer nun? I do believe that's a first." Nope, second. Almost forgot about Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Which was fucking terrible. The bar was set so low. How could you fuck that up? Well, let's make like we're on that Street and Count (Ah ah ah):

1. Movie is pretty boring. Definitely slow in the beginning.
2. The Audio is too damn low!
3. You're at the school, the Nun has killed about 3 people already. She's in the school making spooky shit happen. Everyone is arming themselves. When do you have time for a sex scene? Oh wait the lights are back on, now you don't want it?
4. So an entity made of water becomes flesh and blood when completely submerged in water? Wait, this thing kills with water and you plan to flood an area to kill it?
5. The Nun is a ghost. A water based ghost. What exactly do you plan to do with a harpoon? And where exactly did you get a harpoon? Why are there two?
6. So...you've killed a ghost with a harpoon. What's next?

And the ending shoehorned in a completely ridiculous. improbable and impossible twist considering the story that was told and how the first two kills occurred.

The Nun is beyond weak. I'm 0-2 with killer nun movies. I guess they just aren't entertaining. There were a few films I wished I could give a negative score to. Then I realized that it's my blog and I'ma do what I wants to do.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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The Awakening (2011)

 

A haunted boarding school calls on Florence Cathcart, who disproves hoaxes for a living. But the strange place leads her to question rationality.

Florence Cathcart secretly hopes that ghosts are real and has thrown herself into her work as a debunker because if she can prove that they are, she can reach out to her former lover who died in the war. In her own words, she lives "in the time of/for ghosts," yet to her continuous dismay, she cannot prove their existence and each case she solves takes a little more out of her.  After debunking a seance and proving those involved to be frauds, McNulty from The Wire shows up and piques her interest. He claims that he is there about a student that died at his boarding school three weeks ago. He claimed that he saw the ghost of a boy who previously died many years ago. He shows her class photos from previous years where a ghostly image has continued to appear.

She brushes it off and refuses to take the case, but he tells her that the boys are scarred shitless and as she knows that fear is a destructive force, she decides to go in order to give them piece of mind. But when visions appear, her fear coupled with her inability to rationalize the situation, leads her to question her sanity.

That's the "Questioning My Sanity" face.

I tried to watch The Awakening at some point last year but it didn't hold my attention. I think I give films like these more credit after watching The Conjuring. (Such an awesome movie, btw.)  Awakening is a very solid movie filled with obvious but effective scares up until the last 10 or 20 minutes. It kind of falls apart during that time. Well, okay, it doesn't really fall apart, so much as gets "confusing." I hate ending my movies all confused and it will definitely lose points for an unclear epilogue. I really hate "open interpretation" endings. They are such a cop out.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Trapped Ashes (2006)

Trapped in a house of horror, seven people discover that the only way they'll get out is to tell their scariest stories.

6 people are on a tour of a Hollywood ghost town. They manage to convince the driver to let them into the house in which Hysteria was filmed. He warns them that it is haunted but they will not be deterred. While they tour the house, they get trapped in a large secret room and the driver tells them that they are stuck in the room and they may not get out without telling a personal horror story.

Story one is essentially about killer boobs. It's better than it sounds and a solid tale to lead off this shindig. An actress comes to Hollywood and gets a boob job, only to find that her breasts feed off human blood.

For the second story, the wife wouldn't tell her story so the husband does for her. They went to Japan to try and ignite sparks in their relationship only to find themselves wrapped up in a Japanese ghost story as the wife finds herself seduced by and ghost fucked by a demon and he learns that he'll have to venture into Hell to save her.

Story 3 is about a two dudes who were derailed by the cooch of a goddamn succubus, and neither of them had tree fiddy!

Story 4 is told by the goth girl. (You can't have a movie like this without a goth girl) and she tells of her twin. Which just happens to be a tape worm that her mother also carried to term to avoid miscarriage. That tale also comes with this gem: "we've pulled the goalie" a.k.a. we're not using protection.

Only four stories are told, but just when you start to believe that the movie is robbing you, the tour guide tells the final story, which ends all the other stories and brings the movie to a close.

Boom! Old man laying the hammer. Down!

Trapped Ashes is actually a pretty decent movie. It plays like it wants to tank it in the end, but it actually pulls everything together and for lack of a better term, "puts a bow on it" and there are a lot of Hollywood "in" references if that's your thing.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes 

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Sinister (2012)

 

A true-crime writer finds a cache of 8mm home movies films that suggest the murder he is currently researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s.

Ellison Oswald, is a selfish asshole and the two most logical people are his wife and the Deputy, who pretty much calls him an idiot to his face for moving there in the first place.

Allow me to explain why he's an asshole:

First of all, his name is Ellison. That's just ridiculous.

Second, he writes true crime fiction and to research and write his latest book, he's moved his family into the former home of The Stevensons, a family of 5 who were hung in the tree in their backyard and who's daughter had gone missing.

He knows damn well that he should never have moved into that house, and when his wife calls him out and explains just that but he's all about finishing his next book and looking towards the money and fame it comes with. She's like, "is it worth sacrificing your wife and kids?" And he's all, "Oh. It must be that time of the month. You're not seeing the bigger picture!"  

There's a scene in which his son contorts himself out of a box for fuck's sake! And he wanted to stay in the fucking house?! More importantly, when he left, he took that kid with him?!

Ridiculous.

Sinister fucking sucked. I don't know what I expected. Actually, no. That's a lie. This came from the same dudes that did Insidious and The Conjuring and I guess I had hyped myself up.

It felt disjointed or just not very well put together. Actually, no, it is well put together, there's just something missing. Shit, I figured out the ending within the first 10 min of the movie and I think that may have been the point where I lost interest.

 Ladies and Gentleman, The Big Bad a.k.a. Mr. Boogie a.k.a. Ba'Guul a.k.a. The Eater of Children.

Of course, my movie partner thoroughly enjoyed this (she likes crap) and was scared out of her wits. The fact that it scared somebody, is the only reason I'm giving it a two.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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