The Babadook (2014)

A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son's fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.

The Babadook is beloved amongst horror fans and critics. Honestly, I thought it was pretty good up until they shit the bed in the ending. 3 stars is appropriate. nothing more, nothing less and the whole story pretty much boils down to this: How many times must we think children are crazy before we actually believe their crazy bullshit? Seriously, how much can you stand before you actually believe them?

"The Babadook is real and I don't want you to die!" okay, I may not be afraid of that statement.
 

But:
"He going to scare you first."
"You may not be afraid of him now, but you will be when he's eating your insides."  Hmm...I like my insides...you know, inside. 

That right there may be a cause for concern but in light of all that, why wait for the Babadook? Just end it now. That kid sucks anyway and he's totally threatening your life bro. You know what you have to do. 

The Babadook is definitely worth a watch, but just one. I honestly don't think I can enjoy it twice. The Kid was creepy and the mother was reckless. However their was a palpitating sense of dread and that carried the movie from beginning to end and speaking of which, I really want to talk about that (the end) since I know no one actually reads this blog,  (although you totally should)  but there may be at least one guy/gal who does, so I won't. The end is stupid though. You'll see.

Ba
Baa
Dook
Doook!
Doooook!!! 

Violence? I guess. A dog died so there's that
Explosions? Of repressed and latent anger
Nudity? No.

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The Haunting of Helena (2012)

 

Soon after Sophia's young daughter loses her first tooth, a visit from "the tooth fairy" turns into a gory nightmare that won't stop.

Stop. Stop. You had me at gory.

The Cast:

• Creepy Kid
• Oblivious Adults
• The Tooth Fairy
• Benito Mussolini

The Situation:

A recently separated woman finds an apartment for her and daughter to live in and start fresh. Unbeknownst to her, their home was the site of a grisly domestic attack many years ago and since then, the woman haunts the place looking for her teeth, which were removed in the attack.

When Helena loses her first tooth and places out under the pillow, it awakens a supernatural force that sets its sights on her and kills anyone who tries to take her away.

*******************

I'm actually a fan of Tooth Fairy lore. The very idea that someone creepily enters your house while sleeping and leaves you money for your teeth? That's pretty fucking creepy and when done right, it makes for some pretty interesting stories. (I.e. Darkness Falls and the first and second acts of The Haunting of Helena.)

Helena is actually kinda decent and quickly goes from 0-60 after the titular(heh) character loses her first tooth. How so? Well, the very next day her mother is called to school because she's been buying other children's teeth with money the tooth fairy has given her to do so. WWII era money. Crazy, right? Why was this not given more attention?  Because Helena is a child and everyone instantly dismisses everything she says and does as child stuff.

Movies like this annoy me. If the kid tells you that shit has gotten real and you're a witness to shit getting real, why not put 100% faith in the kid going forward? Clearly they aren't lying! That's like the one of the dumbest tropes in horror flicks.
 

If I have a kid, and something like this happens, I'm either believing every word they say, or I'm putting them down. Better safe than sorry I always say.

On the other end of the spectrum, her mother wears Uggs and clearly deserves all that happens to her.

/rant

Again, that nonsense aside, it's a decent little film with a few scares and a solid premise. The visuals are pretty good and the story does just enough to keep you watching until the end.  After that? Well, it'd be too late to do anything about it. Unless you're a blogger. Aww who am I kidding?  no one reads this crap.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Sinister (2012)

 

A true-crime writer finds a cache of 8mm home movies films that suggest the murder he is currently researching is the work of a serial killer whose career dates back to the 1960s.

Ellison Oswald, is a selfish asshole and the two most logical people are his wife and the Deputy, who pretty much calls him an idiot to his face for moving there in the first place.

Allow me to explain why he's an asshole:

First of all, his name is Ellison. That's just ridiculous.

Second, he writes true crime fiction and to research and write his latest book, he's moved his family into the former home of The Stevensons, a family of 5 who were hung in the tree in their backyard and who's daughter had gone missing.

He knows damn well that he should never have moved into that house, and when his wife calls him out and explains just that but he's all about finishing his next book and looking towards the money and fame it comes with. She's like, "is it worth sacrificing your wife and kids?" And he's all, "Oh. It must be that time of the month. You're not seeing the bigger picture!"  

There's a scene in which his son contorts himself out of a box for fuck's sake! And he wanted to stay in the fucking house?! More importantly, when he left, he took that kid with him?!

Ridiculous.

Sinister fucking sucked. I don't know what I expected. Actually, no. That's a lie. This came from the same dudes that did Insidious and The Conjuring and I guess I had hyped myself up.

It felt disjointed or just not very well put together. Actually, no, it is well put together, there's just something missing. Shit, I figured out the ending within the first 10 min of the movie and I think that may have been the point where I lost interest.

 Ladies and Gentleman, The Big Bad a.k.a. Mr. Boogie a.k.a. Ba'Guul a.k.a. The Eater of Children.

Of course, my movie partner thoroughly enjoyed this (she likes crap) and was scared out of her wits. The fact that it scared somebody, is the only reason I'm giving it a two.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Paranormal Activity (Trilogy)

Okay Since Paranormal Activity 4 is out, I figured I'd catch you up on the events of the other three and (because I'm lazy) review them all in one go. The first three movies can be viewed in any order really (the stories are identical) but for clarity, I'll write this up in the series' chronological order.
 

	After moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence. Simply put, Paranormal Activity 1 was something that hadn't been done before. It wasn't scary, but there was a sense of dread and it was very well done. I was definitely impressed with the special effects, and maybe it was the atmosphere, but there were a few scenes that really mess with you. But I feel like you had to watch the film in theaters to get the real experience. Paranormal activity is an solid movie. It isn't scary, but the genius is in the concept and execution and It will leave you sufficiently creeped out. I did not think it would be as good as it was. Plus Katie got some big ass titties.
	After experiencing what they think are a series of "break-ins", a family sets up security cameras around their home, only to realize that the events unfolding before them are more sinister than they seem. Paranormal Activity 2 is a direct prequel. In this one, we follow Kristi, Katie's younger sister, and we learn a bit more about the demon and its motivations. I didn't know what to expect but somehow they managed to both keep me interested and keep the momentum going from the first. It's more or less the same, but this is where the writing took over. They somehow managed to make a sequel that adequately explained the first and created room for a sequel without writing themselves into a corner. Plus Katie still had some big ass titties.
	In 1988, young sisters Katie and Kristi befriend an invisible entity who resides in their home. Paranormal Activity 3 takes it back. To the 80s. In this prequel, we follow the girls as kids and discover the exact reason for the hauntings and the full motives of the demon. It definitely doesn't equal the first, but stays on par with the second. The immediate twist in this film was that the mother was the doubter, with it being the two men in the prequels. The story is again expanded yet it seemed to reach a bit. Even for this series, if it's obvious you're reaching, that's no bueno. With the release of part 3, you can watch the films either in chronological order or in the reverse and still get the full story. That's how well written and interconnected they are. Three was a stretch, but I'm actually interested in seeing how they wrap up the story. Plus Katie's mama got some big ass titties.

All that aside, I feel that the real stars of the film series, are the writers. For four films straight, they had been writing themselves into a corner, only to somehow create enough wiggle room to write themselves out while leaving enough questions unanswered to get you interested in watching the next film. If you can't tell from the scores, I say check out the first Paranormal Activity as that one is actually worth your time. (Be sure to watch it in a dark room in a silent house though.) The other sequels are average. They expand on the storyline created in the first and they work if you want to follow the series.

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Case 39 (2009)

A social worker fights to save a girl from her abusive parents, only to discover that the situation is more dangerous than she ever expected.

Renee Zeilweger squints her way through this film as a dedicated social worker with 38 active cases before another is dropped on her desk. After reading about Case 39 (Wink. Wink. Nudge), she heads out to do a site visit and meets both the child, Lily, and her parents. After a very awkward and creepy visit, she is convinced that the Lily is in danger and tries to persuade her boss to remove the her from their care.

About a week later, Lily calls her claiming that her parents intend to hurt her and she rushes over just in time to save her. She then adopts her hoping to give her a better life. After some time with her, strange incidents begin to occur and after people start to die, she learns that life with Lily may not be all that it seems.

Case 39 is a better movie than I would have given it credit for. It's a bit like The Omen, in which a child touched by the supernatural can run rampant in a world that only sees them as innocent children. The little girl playing Lily plays both precocious youth and creepy demonic pre-teen and her transitions from one to the other are amazing.

Overall, I'd say it was better than I thought it'd be, and not completely terrible. I actually liked it, and if you asked me about it, I'd say it's good, but I wouldn't go so far as to recommend it.

Violence? Eh
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Mama (2013)

Annabel and Lucas are faced with the challenge of raising his young nieces that were left alone in the forest for 5 years.... but how alone were they?

After going on a murder spree, an investment banker loads up the kids and tries to flee town. Speeding along an icy, snow filled road, he crashes. They find shelter in an abandoned cabin and as he plans to kill them, a spirit appears and kills him instead. Five years have passed since that day and it is presumed that the girls are dead. His brother, Lucas, has been tirelessly searching for them. One day he finally gets the good news, but he doesn't yet realize that they've been raised by an entity they call mama, and she isn't ready to let them go just yet.

 

Mama is a solid film. The little girls were appropriately creepy and I really dug their performances. There's not much more I can say (good or bad) that wouldn't without spoil things so I'll wrap this up here.

Violence? Eh
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Apartment 143 (2012)

Hired by a family to investigate supernatural activity in their apartment, a paranormal research group find themselves haunted by a malevolent force. Their investigation is derailed as the strange manifestations become gradually more violent.

 John, a single father raising two kids, has had it rough ever since their mom passed. His relationship with with his daughter was always rocky and she blames him for the death of her mom. When the noises first occurred, he moved them into the city. Now that they have started up again, he calls in a team of scientist ate called in to examine what appears to be a haunting. They discover is a bit more than he bargained for.

Apartment 143 is a decent film. It doesn't try to do too much and actually works within the genre to play on expectations and produce something a bit different than the norm.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Sitter (2011)

A college student on suspension is coaxed into babysitting the kids next door, though he is fully unprepared for the wild night ahead of him.

Fat Jonah Hill is s jobless dropout slacker who is volunteers to babysit for his mom so that she can have a night out. He decides to take the kids out after getting a party invitation from his girlfriend. Along the way he runs afoul of a former classmate and somehow manages to draw the ire of a local drug dealer. Now he has to find a way to make three the party, shake the dealer, and get the kids in bed before their parents return.

The Sitter is a remake of Adventures in Babysitting, but with more swearing, more troubled kids, and less Thor. It definitely has it's moments, but overall its funny hah and not funny haha. That Rodrigo kid was a dick though and while it looks like he was cleaning up his act towards the end, everyone's treatment of him before then was totally justified.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? No
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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11/11/11 (2011)

 

Jack and Melissa are frightened by their son's bizarre and violent behavior; they soon learn that he is the gateway to the Apocalypse, and it will happen on his birthday, 11-11-11. 

 
On 11 11 11, The Devil will return  as an 11 yr old boy.

The Father in this story looks like one of the guys in a Just For Men™ advertisement and the mother looks like a cross between Jenna Haze and Blossom. Together, with their son, they are moving into a new house to accommodate the father's new job at the university.

Honey, can I touch up these marks with My "Just For Men?" No? Maybe "A Touch of Gray?"

So, you've moving into a house with big ass claw marks on the wall, and you...don't...ask about it?
My first thought, These people are going to get what they deserve. Eventually a painter is called to touch up the place and presumably paint over the scratches. The painter, who looks like a fat John Travolta, sees the claw marks glow. He backs away slowly and runs towards his inevitable death.

The cliched creepy neighbor tells the father that the kid must die before his birthday and that she will kill him if he doesn't.  He brushes off this warning (naturally),  and the family seeks a babysitter as the mother is pregnant and told to do as little as possible for as long as she can. The Babysitter, who looks like Megan Fox, begins to slowly nurture Matts dark side. Which is surprisingly appropriate.and makes sense considering She's Megan Fox. Essentially.

Eventually, the father notices cuts and scratches on Matts body and immediately bitches out the babysitter and has her arrested.The only negro in the film, an articulate, polite policeman is killed in a fiery explosion when CGI bees at the command of the babysitter, attack him while driving her to the police station. Dude didn't even get the respect of real bee footage. and just so you're sure he's dead, then they threw in multiple explosions off screen.

On the night of the 10th the suspense is palpable as we wait for the easy scare that never comes. 
Confident in the fact that his son is not the devil, Just For Men™ packs up and heads to pick up a birthday cake. It turns out his sons name was Nat. I thought his name was Matt. Shit, that kid was born to be the Devil. He never stood a chance.

It is revealed that the neighbors are part of a Satanic Cult, and are well aware of the child's future and are in cahoots to make sure it happens. The older woman is the only one sane enough to try and prevent it. She employs every trick in the pedophile playbook to get him in her house. Lemonade, model trains, birthday presents,  candy. Finally, she resorts to chloroform and I'm more than positive she's going to ass rape that little boy.

Curses! Drats and Double Drats! Just get in my fucking basement!

After finally getting him into her sex shed, out its revealed that it's not his ass she wants. She wants to perform an exorcism. Failing that, she is going to kill him, I mean, he IS Satan afterall. Just for Men™ rescues Satan Jr. at the last minute and kills the old woman as a token of his appreciation. After watching Satan Jr. kill his wife, he is choked out as the Satanic Cult makes their move. He comes to just in time to rescue the child again and as the boy begins to morph into Satan, he takes him back to the sex shed and kills him, thus saving the world. At the end and In a surprise cameo, the negro cop returns from his fiery bee stung death to arrest Just For Men™, because even death couldn't stop him from arresting a white man.

Now, I'm no expert, but when you raise a kid that goes around stabbing people, it's okay to think about disowning and getting them some help. But you have to question the wisdom of a guy who seeks to save the same child he just watched stab and ultimately kill his mother. I mean, No parent wants to believe that their child is the Devil, but I gotta tell ya, if I was in this dude's shoes, it wouldn't take much more to convince me.

Hindsight being 20\20, I probably should have watched this on 11 11 11. That may have added to the ambiance, but I doubt it would have changed how much this film sucked. It has moments of legit suspense, but ultimately starts and ends flat with many, many questions are left unanswered.

Out of Ten? 4.5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Quick Hits #29

Flick's Quick Hits - Rapid fire reviews and thoughts on a few movies at once.

Featuring: Vampire Wars, See No Evil, Children of the Corn, Combustible Campus Guardress

	Vampire Wars (1991) - In this anime flick, a freelance "cop" works for the French authorities and investigates what appears to be an isolated case of vampirism. He discovers that the master vampire is after the blood of a starlet, who may or may not be human and he protects her for the rest of the flick. At one point, he gets into a fist fight with said vampire. Meh. If I wasn't up late, I probably would have skipped it.
	See No Evil aka Eye Scream Man (2006) - In this so bad its actually decent low-budget flick, criminal teens are terrorized by a maniac as they attempt to clean an abandoned hotel. WWE's Kane, (who is seriously a monster of a man,) stars as the maniac in this flick. Christina Vidal plays the token latina and sole reason to watch this dud.(unless you're a horror junkie.) Outside of Kane collecting eyeballs, there's nothing about this movie that sets it apart from others like it. Watch with company (and beer) as that always makes the bad times more enjoyable. Out of 10? 5
	Combustible Campus Guardress (1994) - In CCG, Demons are threatening to open the dark gate and take over the world. The only thing that can stop them are the High School students who are the guardians of that gate. CCG is an anime series that I would recommend to those who are into the genre. There's also plenty of humor and panty shots to lighten the mood but outside of that, I'd say pass. Its an older anime and thus lacks any of the visuals that you'd see nowadays.
	Children of the Corn (1984) -  Sadly light on the creepy children and we all know that creepy children can make (or break) a movie. We only saw them when they were directed to attack. Personally, anytime I hear of someone named either Isaac or Malachi, I keeps it moving. Unfortunately, (for them) our protagonists aren't me, and don't heed such an obvious warning. Best part: After knocking out one of the killer kids, it is asked "what do we do now?" The response, "Send her a get well card." As they laugh and walk away. Loved it. Those fucking Stephen King movies, they always fall apart in the end.

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Last exorcism (2010)

A troubled evangelical minister agrees to let his last exorcism be filmed by a documentary crew.

Basically, a preacher who has lost his faith begins to practice exorcisms for cash. His exorcisms are elaborate ruses and he allowed a crew to film him to help show that demonic possession is not real. Then he comes across a girl who's demons are real...or are they?

In one of the more entertaining parts of the movie, Reverend Cotton, bets the filmmaker that he can preach a recipe for Banana Bread. Then he hilariously follows through. With none the wiser. Embedding is disabled, but you can catch that wonderful clip here.

Thank God. We've got Banana Bread at last!

Overall, This movie was decent. Not good. Not shitty, but decent. And it fucks with you. Or at the least leaves unanswered questions and thats why I can't really like it.

The possessed girl is creepy as fuck though. and when shit gets real, it way too late in the movie to matter. I was confused. There were loose ends. Or maybe I just didn't get it? The Last Exorcism. Again, decent flick. Genuine creepy moments and atmosphere. Many loose ends. watch at your own peril.

Out of 10? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No.

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Ted (2012)

As the result of a childhood wish, John Bennett's teddy bear, Ted, came to life and has been by John's side ever since - a friendship that's tested when Lori, John's girlfriend of four years, wants more from their relationship.

After making a wish, a young boy awakens the next night to find that his stuffed bear is now alive. They make a pact and vow to be best friends forever. Nearly thirty years later the two are still inseparable, Much to the chagrin of Mila Kunis who feels that he can never grow up if he is always hanging with his teddy bear.
 
Ted is essentially the story of a man, his teddy bear and the woman and creepy family that almost comes between them. What happens when you are still holding onto a piece of your childhood as a full grown adult?

Ted is a though movie to write about. I'm really not trying to hype it up, but, it's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. It was Almost like a live action family guy. A movie about Stewie and Rupert complete with throwaway gags but with the right amount of action/drama to sell it as a solid picture.
Seth MacFarlane is a funny guy and he knows his audience. But I think with Ted he's finally crafted a film that can reach a larger audience and has finally redeemed himself for The Winner.

Out of Ten? 10

Violence? Mild
Explosions? No
Nudity? Titty

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The Woman (2011)

When a successful country lawyer captures and attempts to "civilize" the last remaining member of a violent clan that has roamed the Northeast coast for decades, he puts the lives of his family in jeopardy.

Chris Cleek seems to have the perfect life. A large house, a full family, and financial security. While on a hunting trip, he comes across a woman living in the forest.From there, he comes home and orders his family to clean out his shed. The next day, after some light construction work, he comes home with the woman, fully intending on reinstating her humanity and civility. In doing so, the true nature of the family is revealed. 

The bulk of The Woman moves painfully slow as we get to see his  family who just seem off. The father seemed super creepy and sadistic from the first scene. The oldest daughter seems distraught, the son seems borderline psychotic, and his wife seems abused.

I went into this expecting a straight horror film, but this was more of an exploitation than anything else. Still, a decent movie, but one that moved too slow for my tastes.

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Feral Titty

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Retro Review: The Bad Seed - 1956

Christine Penmark seems to have it all: a lovely home, a loving husband and the most "perfect" daughter in the world. But since childhood, Christine has suffered from the most terrible recurring nightmare. And her "perfect" daughter's accomplishments include lying, theft and possibly much, much worse. Only Christine knows the truth about her daughter and only Christine's father knows the truth about her nightmare.

Is it possible that children of serial killers can grow up to become one themselves? Maybe out skips a generation? This is the explanation the film toys with. Sins of the father essentially. Little Rhonda is so sweet and innocent...or is she? After a classmate dies on a school trip, the evidence seems to suggest that she had something to do with it. While defending her daughter, Rhonda's mother gets closer to the truth.

Such a kind mother...such a pretty mother

I'm just going to lay this out there: Rhonda is one evil little bitch. From her overly and aggressive sweet act to the remorseless and calculated way she goes about killing and manipulating others. Unsurprisingly, I loved every minute of it. What an awesome performance.


Trivia: The Hayes Code of Motion Pictures prevented release of films from having the bad guys win and it also prevented filmmakers from killing children on screen. So in order to comply, a final scene was added in which Rhonda is struck by lightning and "disappears". No body, no crime.


Violence? Yes though only occurring off screen
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Bestseller - 2010

After she is accused of plagiarism, a best-selling author retreats with her young daughter to a country villa that was once a war-time orphanage. Intending to work on a new book, she encounters the supernatural instead.

Within 20 min of moving into a remote location, the daughter talks to ghosts. They barely got to put their bags down.

Even in Asian cinema, a creepy little kid is still a creepy little kid.

At first she dismisses her daughters "friend" (naturally) then She intends to write a story about her. (for fun and profit). She writes and publishes the ghost's story and she is accused of plagarizing a story written 5 years ago. According to her, she couldn't have plagarised her story. She's never read the original book and she heard the story from her daughter. But she has a complete mental breakdown when faced with the truth that her daughter has been dead for quite some time.

So, How can two writers write the same exact story in the same exact way? She decides to go back to the house to discover the truth. The movie then becomes less of a ghost story and more of a murder mystery as she tries to figure out exactly who the killers are and why.

Man, this is like the 4th or fifth movie I've seen with writers who move to remote locations and encounter the supernatural. I'm starting to see a pattern. Ghosts love writers in remote locations.

I hate writing and remote locations. I think I'm safe...I hope...

Bestseller somehow develops both slowly and quickly at the same time. The ghost shit, voices, visions, messages happen fairly quickly and I mean within the first 30 min of the film. The shit getting real part and character development takes longer. the story takes it's sweet ass time moving forward. It's as if they were trying to get the ghost shit out of the way, so they could get to the mystery shit.

Speaking of mystery, why does this old lady keep showing up and how does she beat you in a foot race?

Man...that lady is like 100. Korean cardio is no joke.

Out of ten? 5.5

This movie drags. It felt like it took an hour to get through the last 30 minutes.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Director's Showcase #1

Guillermo Del Toro

Guillermo del Toro (born October 9, 1964) is a Mexican director, producer, screenwriter, novelist and designer. He is mostly known for his acclaimed films, Blade II, Pan's Labyrinth and the Hellboy film franchise. His films draw heavily on sources as diverse as weird fiction, fantasy and war.


Guillermo del Toro presents...
Is a label given to a series of foreign language films that would not be as noticed without his name attached. The man knows quality work and wouldn't attach himself to something he wouldn't feel, is worthy or something he wouldn't have made himself.


If he's not directing, he's "presenting" here are a few of his foreign films that may interest you:

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The Orphanage - 2007

A woman brings her family back to her childhood home, where she opens an orphanage for handicapped children. Before long, her son starts to communicate with an invisible new friend.

Shortly after moving into a new home, Laura begins to notice strange things. She starts to remember it was an abandoned orphanage. Her son soon makes a "friend." After her son goes missing(of course), she decides to play with the ghosts in the hope that they'll lead her to him.  Along the way, she uncovers a grisly truth about the orphanage and her connection to the place.

The orphanage is a ghost story. The much is told to you upfront. The fun is in how this story develops.  Little children are creepy and there is no exception in this film. I wouldn't call this a masterpiece, but it is a solid work of fiction.

Out of 10? 7

Solid movie. Better than I expected and just as good on multiple viewings.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Orphan

 
Plot via IMDB:

A husband and wife who recently lost their baby adopt a 9-year-old girl who is not nearly as innocent as she claims to be.

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