Rigor Mortis(2012)

 A public housing tenement is plunged into a dark storm of supernatural chaos.

The Cast:

• The Bella Twins
• The Soulless Body aka David Blaine
• The Bait
• The Hunter
• The Dark Lord

The Situation:

After accidentally murdering an old man, the Dark Lord, who happens to dabble in necromancy, makes a promise to bring him back to his grieving widow. He manages to do so, but notes that he's missing a soul. To his delight, there are twin ghosts terrorizing the building who just happen to be looking for a body to inhabit.

Peanut butter meets Jelly and shit gets real. Coming to the rescue is the bait and the Hunter who helps although he'd rather just cook rice and get along with the ghosts.  

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Rigor Mortis is supposedly a homage to a series of Hong Kong Vampire flicks. I don't know anything about that. What I do know, is that this film combines two of my favorite genres (supernatural and martial arts) and spits out a very decent film. The visuals are fantastic and not to be understated. The monster was bad on its own, but definitely worse once infused with twin magic.

My prediction? You won't love it, you won't hate it, but you'll enjoy how pretty it looks.

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence
Nudity? Nope

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I Am Legend (2007)

Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure.

I feel like I should write more about this movie. But you know something? Fuck this movie!

It sucked so hard the first time i watched. But I thought, "everyone loved it, it really can't be that bad. you're being biased." So I watched it again, and I couldn't believe how much it actually did suck. I think people got caught up in the visuals.

  
These are the questions I have for lovers of this movie:

• Why/how is Will Smith's character a scientist?
• Why is it that he's the only one who can stop it? 
• If he really was that valuable, why would anyone leave him there by himself? 
• Was there really just one single solitary lion roaming New York City? 

 
This movie sucked so hard, but everyone was so busy sucking Will to notice.

I'm so over it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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We Are The Night (2010)

The gritty nightlife of Berlin serves as the backdrop for this thriller about three women vampires intent on luring another into their immortal pact. All hell breaks loose when a cop discovers their secretive ways.

A young loner girl gets but by a vampire queen, yet somehow repels her. Unfortunately, she finds out the next day that sunlight hurts and that she now has a craving for raw meat. As the transformation takes hold, she heads back to the club to confront the queen. The other vampires convert her and explain how much better her life is now. Although she is fully transformed and is seemingly digging the life, she desperately holds onto her humanity. Once the police get to them, bullets fly and the group is eventually bloodily dissolved as she manages to find love, in the midst of all the chaos.
This movie lost my interest early. could have been so much better. So much sexier.

Out of Ten? 4

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Quick Hits #29

Flick's Quick Hits - Rapid fire reviews and thoughts on a few movies at once.

Featuring: Vampire Wars, See No Evil, Children of the Corn, Combustible Campus Guardress

	Vampire Wars (1991) - In this anime flick, a freelance "cop" works for the French authorities and investigates what appears to be an isolated case of vampirism. He discovers that the master vampire is after the blood of a starlet, who may or may not be human and he protects her for the rest of the flick. At one point, he gets into a fist fight with said vampire. Meh. If I wasn't up late, I probably would have skipped it.
	See No Evil aka Eye Scream Man (2006) - In this so bad its actually decent low-budget flick, criminal teens are terrorized by a maniac as they attempt to clean an abandoned hotel. WWE's Kane, (who is seriously a monster of a man,) stars as the maniac in this flick. Christina Vidal plays the token latina and sole reason to watch this dud.(unless you're a horror junkie.) Outside of Kane collecting eyeballs, there's nothing about this movie that sets it apart from others like it. Watch with company (and beer) as that always makes the bad times more enjoyable. Out of 10? 5
	Combustible Campus Guardress (1994) - In CCG, Demons are threatening to open the dark gate and take over the world. The only thing that can stop them are the High School students who are the guardians of that gate. CCG is an anime series that I would recommend to those who are into the genre. There's also plenty of humor and panty shots to lighten the mood but outside of that, I'd say pass. Its an older anime and thus lacks any of the visuals that you'd see nowadays.
	Children of the Corn (1984) -  Sadly light on the creepy children and we all know that creepy children can make (or break) a movie. We only saw them when they were directed to attack. Personally, anytime I hear of someone named either Isaac or Malachi, I keeps it moving. Unfortunately, (for them) our protagonists aren't me, and don't heed such an obvious warning. Best part: After knocking out one of the killer kids, it is asked "what do we do now?" The response, "Send her a get well card." As they laugh and walk away. Loved it. Those fucking Stephen King movies, they always fall apart in the end.

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Director's Spotlight #4

Robert Rodriguez

Robert Anthony Rodríguez (born June 20, 1968), [currently giving you the "eff me eyes"] is an American film director, screenwriter, producer, cinematographer, editor and musician. A friend and frequent collaborator of filmmaker Quentin Tarantino, He shoots and produces many of his films in his native Texas and Mexico. 

Robert Rodriguez has directed a good amount of well known films. Some I'm sure you've heard of, and some I'm sure you were planning on getting to later. Anyway, take a look. If you're a fan, check some of these out. None of these films would score lower than a 7 on anyone's list.

Desperado (1995)

We pick up the story as a continuation of "El Mariachi," where an itinerant musician, looking for work, gets mistaken for a hitman and thereby entangled in a web of love, corruption, and death.

Planet Terror (2007)

After an experimental bio-weapon is released, turning thousands into zombie-like creatures, it's up to a rag-tag group of survivors to stop the infected and those behind its release.

Machete (2010)

After being set-up and betrayed by the man who hired him to assassinate a Texas Senator, an ex-Federale launches a brutal rampage of revenge against his former boss.

Spy Kids (2001)

The tables are turned when pint-sized kids Carmen and Juni must rescue their secret-agent parents (Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino) from the diabolical clutches of Alexander Minion (Tony Shalhoub), who's after a powerful artificial brain that will automate his army of kid robots to do his bidding.

From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)

Robbers-on-the-lam Seth and Richard Gecko take an ex-preacher and his kids hostage. On a race to the Mexican border, they rendezvous at a cantina, not knowing the owners and clientele are bloodthirsty vampires

Sin City (2005)

In this series of interwoven stories adapted from Frank Miller's graphic novels, an ex-con avenges a hooker's death, a detective gets mixed up with dangerous vixens, and a rogue cop becomes hell-bent on saving a stripper from a rapist.

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Director's Showcase #1

Guillermo Del Toro

Guillermo del Toro (born October 9, 1964) is a Mexican director, producer, screenwriter, novelist and designer. He is mostly known for his acclaimed films, Blade II, Pan's Labyrinth and the Hellboy film franchise. His films draw heavily on sources as diverse as weird fiction, fantasy and war.


Guillermo del Toro presents...
Is a label given to a series of foreign language films that would not be as noticed without his name attached. The man knows quality work and wouldn't attach himself to something he wouldn't feel, is worthy or something he wouldn't have made himself.


If he's not directing, he's "presenting" here are a few of his foreign films that may interest you:

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Stakeland - 2011

Martin was a normal teenage boy before the country collapsed in an empty pit of economic and political disaster. A vampire epidemic has swept across what is left of the nation's abandoned towns and cities, and it's up to Mister, a death dealing, rogue vampire hunter, to get Martin safely north to Canada, the continent's New Eden.

Badass Vampire hunter, Mister, takes a young man under his wing as he traverses a vampire filled landscape facing many Trials and tribulations on perilous the path north to new eden including crossing the infamous brotherhood. The brotherhood is a gang of  religious fanatics who control a large part of town and in this world, if the vamps don't get you, the brotherhood will.  Improbably, The head of the brotherhood  becomes a hybrid vampire when left for dead by our heroes and he returns to exact some vengeance. He manages to kill the token negro (Rule #3) and the pregnant girl before finally getting got.  Realizing that the boy is ready to stand on his own, he leaves him in the care of a capable woman. A hunter like himself.

The make-up artists should win an award for their work though. Seriously.

Since there isn't much else I want to discuss regarding this film, I present to you, my play-by-play of the most WTF??!! scene of Stakeland:

Okay, There's a hoedown. They're in a peaceful/safe township, why not?  Wait, what's that in the sky? It's the brotherhood. In a helicopter? Wait, these motherfuckers have a helicopter?!  Okay, wait. They're throwing something from it. What the fuck is--wait, are they dropping vampires?!  Are they throwing vampires from the fucking helicopter? What.The.Fuck???!!!


Honestly, I don't know how to feel about that scene. On one end, they threw vampires from a helicopter. On the other, they threw vampires from a motherfucking helicopter!

 Death From Above.

Out of Ten? 4.5

It was a survival/horror/drama. I didn't even know such a thing was even possible.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Being human (2008 TV Series)

 So, another day, another BBC series. 

Being Human is the tale of 3 supernatural beings who live together and help each other deal with the reality of their situations. George is a werewolf, Mitchell is a vampire, and Annie is a ghost. The show itself, is a Sci-Fi/Drama hybrid, but it has enough action and plot to keep you interested and watching. I like it, and I think you should give it a shot. If you don't like it, your girl will, and if you watch it with her, you'll get the goods. Which makes it all worthwile.

Series Premiere Trailer:

Out of 5? 4.

Violence? Yes. Vampires are ruthless killers
Explosions? Yes.
Nudity? Teased, but you might catch a nipple if you're lucky.

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Dylan Dog: Dead of Night - 2011

The adventures of supernatural private eye, Dylan Dog, who seeks out the monsters of the Louisiana bayou in his signature red shirt, black jacket, and blue jeans.

Monsters exist. The only thing keeping the peace between them and keeping them secret is Dylan Dog, Paranormal Investigator.

Superman...?

After years of keeping the peace and protecting the supernatural beings, Dylan's gf was killed by the monsters. He understandably turns his back on them, but not before killing a few in revenge. After years of staying away from them, Dylan as a private investigator, takes a case and the progression leads him to believe that one of the ruling monster families seeks to revive an ancient monster.

Having never read the Dylan Dog comics, I can't say whether this was successful as a transition from comic to film. According to Italian movie nerds, this movie murdered the franchise, so in theory, Taye's death was an unnecessary sacrifice and he adds yet another failure to his filmography. Assuming that's true, how appropriate is it that this franchise killing machine appear as the final monster that needs to be killed.

I guess they couldn't find Ted McGinley.

Despite how it may sound, Dylan Dog is an okay movie. Strong performances from Routh and Sam Huntington, (as hero and sidekick/comic relief, respectively,) carry the film. But it just feels...off. Like something is missing. I can't explain it, but if you watch you'd understand.

Out of Ten? 7. A decent low budget  thriller that has it's moments.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One or two.
Nudity? No

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The BBC

BBC programs have been some of the better produced and higher quality shows in existence. Foreign entertainment in general, may be an acquired taste for some, but believe me when I tell you that there is some really good stuff overseas.

American Television has a way of stealing the works from other countries. Knowing that, I figure maybe you'll like the originals better. To that end, I've put together a small list of a few BBC shows that I've really enjoyed. Idk whether or not you're interested in things made outside of the States, but you should give these shows a chance.

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Manly Cinema

The movie landscape has changed. No longer do we have the macho man shooting and kung-fuing people, sexing women and swearing like a sailor the whole time. We get movies about Kung-Fu Pandas, and pussified heroes, shitty versions of Bond and a general "family friendly" atmosphere. I'm not against a family atmosphere, movies can be broad and all encompassing. But the "protect the children" line  and the "let's not be offensive to anyone" is being used to wipe out all traces of our former masculinity.

Everything offends somebody. When does protecting children mean we should shun the action hero who kills the bad guys and sexes the ladies? Its really been few and far between for 1 man army movies (Taken, Rambo, Predator, Black Dynamite)

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Daybreakers

 

The plot (courtesy of IMDB):

In the year 2019, a plague has transformed most every human into vampires. Faced with a dwindling blood supply, the fractured dominant race plots their survival; meanwhile, a researcher works with a covert band of vamps on a way to save humankind.

Meh.

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