Todd and the Book of Pure Evil (2010) [TV Series]

A book of awesome power -- one that will make your deepest, darkest desires come true but at a horrifying cost -- is loose in Crowley High. Thankfully, four teenagers stand between The Book of Pure Evil and the end of the world as we know it.

Todd and the Book of Pure Evil is a Canadian horror comedy that was only allowed two years of awesomeness before it was shut down by the Canadian Government. At it's core, TatBoPE was about a high school slacker stoner who discovers that he is the "pure evil one," a being destined to bring about a new age of death and destruction. Todd decides that he ain't about that life and rejects the book. However, the book has the power to grant anyone's desires and usually anyone that uses it meets a grisly fate. With the help of his friends, he has to track it down before it gets into the hands of his nemesis Atticus Murphy Jr., the school counselor/secret Satanist who intends to use to book for his own evil deeds.

I've read that paragraph maybe six or seven times trying to improve it. Don't let that description fool you, Hands down, TATBOPE is one of the best tv shows ever made and just about guaranteed to be the one show that can only be enjoyed by me...and maybe a few folks in Canada. Everything about this show is amazing. The story, the monsters, the music, and most importantly there's blood, guts and swearing. Aside from Metalocalypse, there's no show like it and it's relatively uncensored for the most part.

They've even saw fit to bless us with some choice swears:

Shit Rooster (my personal favorite)
JizzMagician - (because you make jizz disappear.)
Cock Holster (known, but still comical)
Cock Lamp
Ass Taxi

Todd and the Book of Pure Evil has got to be one of the best shows I've ever seen and I completely understand why it was not renewed. There's no way a show this awesome could last on television and there's no way to censor it that wouldn't completely ruin it. At least it had two seasons and a proper ending.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Only in Monster Form

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Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (2013)

Super-agent Ethan Hunt dangles from skyscrapers and otherwise takes daring to new heights on another operation from the Impossible Missions Force. Helping Hunt get the job done is droll fellow IMF agent Luther Stickel.

Tom Cruise does his fourth impossible flick because somehow somewhere, some studio exec still believes that he'll find a mission that Tom Cruise can't complete or will not take on.
 
Joining him this time is the awesome Simon Pegg who doubles as their communications specialist and comedic relief, Paula Patton who plays a very capaable covert agent and Jeremy Renner who has a secret connection to Cruise's character and is also secretly Jason Bourne.

Paula Patton is incredibly sexy and she needs to be doing more. 

Sidenote: Damn you Robin Thicke!

No lie, I got excited for that Ving Rhames cameo. Seriously, where has he been?


Ghost protocol is largely a popcorn flick. There's gun play, explosions, and gadgets. It does it's job. I can admit that I found it to be a little better than I gave it credit for originally, but I think they should stop now. Like right now.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2013)

A younger and more reluctant Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, sets out on an "unexpected journey" to the Lonely Mountain with a spirited group of Dwarves to reclaim their stolen mountain home from a dragon named Smaug.

The Hobbit is the official (three movie) prequel to the Lord of the Rings Saga. Through the greed of Hollywood and the magic of New Zealand, they have found a way to tell a story in three films where the book it was based was able to wrap it all up in one.

If you couldn't infer from that paragraph, The Hobbit is both long and boring. Establishing the team (meaning getting Bilbo ready and explaining the Dwarves) and Bilbo coming into possession of The Ring by cheating Gollum was the only thing of relevance that occurred. There was also a Rock'Em Sock'Em fighting scene. It was pointless, but I mention it for the nostalgia aspect.

 Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots were the shit! But Rock'Em Sock'Em Rock Monsters?

The film was also very pretty, but at one point you would think that someone would speak up and tell somebody that no one wants to watch people walk across and through mountains for two hours. Then again, judging by it's box office returns, there are clearly people who do.


I'm giving the Hobbit a six because of Martin Freeman (Bilbo) and because Gollum was in the movie. Oh and Gandalf. Dude is a badass.

 What I want, is my time back!

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Dwarves vs. Orcs/Trolls
Explosions? No
Nudity? No. I just realized that there are no women in this film series. I guess everyone just comes from eggs?

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A Haunted House (2013)

Malcolm and Kisha move into their dream home, but soon learn a demon also resides there. When Kisha becomes possessed, Malcolm - determined to keep his sex life on track - turns to a priest, a psychic, and a team of ghost-busters for help.

After the liquidation of the Scary Movie franchise, and the bombing of Dance Flick (which was actually pretty good) the Wayans have largely avoided the parody genre. That was a wise decision considering what transpired after Scary Movie 3. (Fuck you Friedburg and Seltzer! Fuck you right in your ears!) Hoping that the shit sprinkles have finally cleared, the Wayans Brothers have decided to put out another spoof film this time mocking the supernatural genre and Paranormal Activity in general.

A Haunted House is a predictable, but still funny film. A few things were unnecessary (like the Pulp Fiction/Sam Jackson references, the Affion Crockett cameo and Nick Swordson) and some of the things felt forced, but much of the other stuff worked. I do worry about how broad of an audience the jokes will reach because this was actually a good film and wasn't a total flop.

Marlon Wayans was funny and I do enjoy me some Essence Atkins. Despite that forehead.

Mmm...*Licking my lips like LL*

 Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes?
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes, but nothing you'll be happy with.

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Gangster Squad (2013)

Los Angeles, 1949: A secret crew of police officers led by two determined sergeants work together in an effort to take down the ruthless mob king Mickey Cohen who runs the city.

 
Gangster Squad, The Untouchables, and another flick or two that I'm sure I'm missing. There's just Something about cops being just as ruthless as the bad guys. Villains are not constrained by the law and that's their advantage. When the cops level the playing field however, shit usually gets real. It's just something that is necessary, but unthinkable in today's society.

Anyway, Gangster Squad was an enjoyable flick. There was drama (of course), but there were more action and gun fights to make up for it. In the climax, they shot up the lobby of a hotel. Twas good stuff. I feel like Emma Stone was a bit miscast but I've gained a new respect for Sean Penn.

Sean Penn is a man who I've never gave proper credit to. I don't like him, but I cannot deny his talent. 

Granted this was just a generic role for him, but for some reason I noticed him.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Some mook ate a shotgun to the face!
Explosions? Mofos were tossing dynamite like they were Looney Toons.
Nudity? No. Surprisingly.

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Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters (2013)

In this spin on the fairy tale, Hansel & Gretel are now bounty hunters who track and kill witches all over the world. As the fabled Blood Moon approaches, the siblings encounter a new form of evil that might hold a secret to their past. 

The concept is absolutely ridiculous, but in the context of this film, it works. Hansel and Gretel were almost eaten by a witch, but they killed her and since then have dedicated their lives to the hunting and killing of witches. What more do you need to know?

Over the top violence makes up for the general crappy concept of this film. In one scene a man is drawn and quartered by tree branches and in another, a whole team of men are utterly destroyed by a troll (solely for the sake of foreshadowing).

 This dude Hulk smashed one scene. Stepped on a dudes head. Pounded another. Crazy.

What stands out to me is that somehow all of the witches know how to fight. So I'm guessing that when they aren't eating children, they are working on their fighting skills? I mean they were really giving it to our heroes at one point.

 Jeremy Renner is in everything these days. He's like a more... profitable Jason Statham.

The goal of the film is to entertain. It easily achieves this. You may have to lower your expectations a bit, but in reality, you're watching a movie about Hansel and Gretel who have grown up to hunt and kill witches. How good can you expect it to be?

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? Yes. Troll violence.
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Booty butt cheeks!

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Django Unchained (2013)

With the help of a German bounty hunter, a freed slave sets out to rescue his wife from a brutal Mississippi plantation owner.

Jamie Foxx plays a slave who is guaranteed his freedom upon completing one task, identifying the men who were his former overseers and helped to ruin his life. Under the tutelage of Christoph Waltz, he takes a shine to the bounty hunting business essentially because he gets paid to shoot white folk. He seeks to reunite with this wife who was branded, ripped away from him and sold into further slavery after a failed attempt to escape.

Somehow I found this to be the least Tarantino-y of his films, but it still worked. What can I say? The man makes good films. There were a few scenes that were played for laughs, including the "Masks On or Off" mob scene, but Jaimie Foxx took me out of it in a few of the other scenes. Luckily Christoph Waltz and Leonardo DiCaprio were there to reign me back in. Even Sam Jackson managed to bring levity to the film as the loyal "Uncle Tom" house negro every slave owner was required to have. I was really not digging the Tarantino cameo. Why was he Australian? Seriously? I'd rather him just get in there and "nigger it up" than listen to him speak in that accent. Were Australians even in the states during the Civil War Era? Why? Also the movie was a bit longer than I'd've liked. Did he seriously think he would win an Oscar for Django?

Anyway Django Unchained is definitely definitely definitely a solid film. Much better than I had originally given it credit for, but not something that I'd give a ten to.

Out of Ten? 8

Violence? Tarantino
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Peek-a-boo titty. Seriously. Blink and you'll miss it.

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Mega Piranha (2010)

 

Former pop princess Tiffany co-stars in this nerve-wracking thriller about gigantic, mutant piranhas who are irradiated in the Amazon River by well-meaning scientists in a misguided attempt to revive the local piranha population. After the fish destroy a tourist boat and the militia bent on stopping them, they escape from their enclosure and begin swimming to Florida. Along the way, they grow even larger and more threatening. Can they be stopped?

A team of scientists in Venezuela are working on increasing the food supply via DNA manipulation. For plot purposes, they have decided to include piranhas as well and "inadvertently" created a very large and very nasty group of piranha who will only continue to grow larger as time goes on.
An American agent is dispatched to find out what happened to a diplomat after his boat is destroyed. After being held up by the Venezuelan military, he heads out to scout the river himself. It isn't long before he runs into the piranhas himself, but through a stroke of luck, he survives. Now that the threat has been revealed, the race is on to stop them from getting to the Mississippi River, which would allow them to reach lakes and rivers waters worldwide.

After an initial strike fails, the military captures the scientists and shuts down their lab. As the scientists are the only ones who can stop the fish, it is imperative that they are rescued. Meanwhile, The piranhas have only grown larger and are literally destroying the town, while heading towards the river.
 
Mega Piranha is a cheesey B-Movie. The piranhas are fast and furious right out the gate, taking down a couple and a boat full of diplomats in less than 5 minutes and as a whole, this movie is straight action. Until the last chapter. With about 20 minutes to go, this film limped toward its conclusion. The worst part of this film? There's no titty. No. Titty. How can there be no titty? That's like THE Cardinal Rule of the genre.

If you're into bad movies, Mega Piranha is one of them. It's cheesy, but that's what you came for.

Out of Ten? 5

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Goemon (2009)

Based on a Japanese folk legend that echoes the tale of Robin Hood, this ninja thriller follows the exploits of Goemon Ishikawa, who leaves his fighting clan after its chief is murdered and uses his skills as a thief to help the poor. But after learning the identity of his leader's killer - the traitorous Hideyoshi - Goemon sets out on a bloody path of vengeance, joined by his loyal friend, Saizo.

In this Robin Hood type story. Goemon is a revered master thief who steals from the rich and gives to the poor.After recovering what they call Pandoras Box, he opens it and it leads him to a scroll/ map. Which eventually leads him to a letter that proves two powerful men were complicit in the death of The former Lord Nobunaga. His adopted father. Now aware of the truth, he sets out for revenge.
Goemon is like "The Spirit" all flash no substance. It's long, dull and it takes itself a bit too seriously [That's what she said.] Plus, I hate when I expect an all out action flick and get sucked into drama. I stopped paying attention halfway through. I may come back to it at a later date, but until then, I'll leave this unrated.

In retrospect, I'll probably never even give this flick a second look.

Unofficial score: 4/10

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Extract (2009)

Poised to sell his successful flavor extract company, Joel's life is pretty sweet -- until an on-the-job accident threatens his livelihood. To make matters worse, his marriage is failing, and a sexy con artist is stirring things up at the office.

Extract is about the owner of a successful flavoring company, who nearly gets taken in by a sweet sexy criminal and has to reclaim his company after its threatened. It is a tough film to write about without spoiling it or just talking nonsense, so I'll sum it up thusly:

Mila Kunis is absolutely sexy. (Her voice can be grating though.)
Jason Bateman is on cruise control. (He really does make it look easy.)
Ben Affleck tries to pretend he's not Ben Affleck by wearing a beard.

 You can't hide behind that beard, Ben. We know it's you. You still stuck.

Out of Ten? 7

Violence? A little
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dark House (2009)

 

Trying to exorcise her worst memories, Claire returns to the foster home where she witnessed a terrible massacre years ago. Capitalizing on its history, a mysterious showman has turned the infamous mansion into a haunted-house attraction. Claire and her friends soon realize that a demonic force has taken over the building and they've been locked inside with a malevolent spirit who wants to perpetrate another mass murder.

A little girl steps into a house to Prove to her friends how tough she is. Inside she finds the scene of a massacre. 14 years later and seriously troubled, her therapist advises her to journey back to the house, in the hopes that it finally puts the events behind her. She only wants to act and at class, an eccentric man appears and offers her a job at his newest attraction, Dark House, aka the site of the massacre.
 
Once in the house, it does not take long for things to get started. Somehow, as ridiculous as it sounds, the spirits infect the computers running the house and as the night goes on, she finds herself trapped, with solving the mystery being her only way out. (But of course not before they kill the black guy)

When they convince the black guy to go, he says, "I better not regret it."  
Spoiler: He Regrets it.
Fun Fact: He's also the nerd.

Here lies the token. He died as he lived...Negro.

Dark House is like Westworld (1979), a movie in which the programs go crazy and actually harm humans. It is an interesting concept, but the film starts to run on fumes towards the end. It is definitely gorier than I expected, but that was a pleasant surprise.

Tangent question: If these low budget films actually spent less money on gore and more on writers, would the films be better?

Out of Ten? 6

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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