Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

On the last day of a family vacation at Disney World, Jim White learns that he's lost his job. Soon thereafter, he begins to lose his mind.

I've actually been led astray by that poster. This movie is pretty bad and there's no salvaging it. I didn't have high hopes or expectations, but I didn't think it would suck sooooo much. While watching, I picked out a few things that irked me:

• This film being black n white. That takes away from the magic of Disney. Which is very well known for its (subjectively creepy) bright and colorful atmosphere.
• The dialogue & characters. Can't really decide which was worst, they both sucked. Like a pair of fake boobs, they neither felt natural.
• The writing/editing/direction. If they weren't so busy running around and filming in secret, the story would have probably felt a bit more cohesive and less rushed/disjointed.
• Smiley, giggly French girls who are clearly stoned and underaged yet are still lusted after American Beauty style by this unemployed middle aged loser. Seriously, one of the girls had braces.
• Cat flu. I guess the logic behind that was: Bird flu has been done. Swine flu is too far out. Mad cow? Not sexy enough. Why not cat flu? Genius.

The novelty of Escape From Tomorrow is that it was secretly filmed in the Disney World theme park, where they explicitly have a "no filming of any kind" policy.  That means that a lot of the film was rushed since they had to film scenes before security caught them. That was pretty ballsy on their part, but it didn't amount to anything but a time waste for everyone involved and everyone watching.

For the first 5 minutes though, it was a pretty good story. I actually sympathized with Jim White, (which is incidentally one of the laziest character names ever) who lost his job while at the happiest place on Earth and has to pretend everything is okay for his family. Not 5 minutes later,  he's standing in line with a bunch of people who are sneezing and coughing and ebola'ing Disney World. The guy doesn't even have health insurance anymore. Throw in an unruly child and a super naggy/frigid wife and I can see why he would go mad.

After that however, nothing. Just visual garbage.

Because Escape from Tomorrow sucks, it feels way longer than it is and should be. To its credit though, although the scenes where Jim White decides that alcohol is the solution to his problems are hilarious, it still doesn't excuse or save this dreck. Overall I'd say it's more of a student film or art-house film that rode the popularity of its viral stunt to a bigger release than it should have had. It flat out sucks though and if I could throw it under the bin, I would. If I could pull a Bill Cosby and buy every copy so that no one else would ever think this was good or interesting or waste their eyeballs in any other way, I definitely would.

Don't waste your time or your life on Escape From Tomorrow.

 

Violence? Yes...No. But that would have improved the film.
Explosions? Of boredom and nagging wife rage
Nudity? No They did film in Disney World, pervs.

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Haunt (2013)

An introvert teen befriends his new neighbor, and together the couple begin to explore the haunted house that his family has just purchased.

 

The Cast:

• Horny teens
• Skeptical family
• Crazy former resident
• Malevolent force

The Situation:

A family moves into a home where several members of the previous family were found dead in separate incidents. The house is established as being pretty fucking creepy, but that's quickly ignored by the new tenants who of course, see it as a fresh start.
At some point in the film, their teenage finds himself seduced by the neighbor's vagina, learns she's being abused and decides to save a ho. Together they discover what appears to be a device that allows them to communicate with the dead and since there wasn't a Ouija board available, they use that.

I'm sure you can guess what happens next.

The Resolution:

There is none. People die. The Malevolent spirit lives and the cycle starts anew.

----------------------------

Outside of hitting at the standard horror bs, I really couldn't determine where they were going or trying to go with this film. I was super confused by the end and the worst part is, I barely remember why I was confused. Which makes me madder. 

The best part of the film was the first exchange between the teens after they contact the dead, where the male character practically states, "It fucking worked. It wasn't supposed to work. It's never supposed to work. I don't want any part of this. I'm out." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Only of boredom and stupidity
Nudity? No

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Iron Man and Hulk: Heroes United (2014)

 

The Cast: 

• The Hulk - Big. Green. Hungry
• Iron Man - Super Rich, Super Smart, Super Arrogant Mech Pilot
• The Abomination - Hulk like mercenary 
• Hydra - Evil Scientists and Arms Dealers
• Thundarberg - Evil villain made of pure energy. 

The Situation: 

Evil villains want to use the hulk's power for their own ends. Realizing that he may be uncontrollable, they've decided to hire the abomination in order to bring him in. After a brief tussle, The Abomination brings the defeated Hulk to the hydra labs where they aim to use his gamma power top fuel their arc reactor.

Underestimating the Hulk's radiation levels, their machines overload and create a living energy weapon who seeks to destroy the world and drink all of it's energy. Aware of an immdiate power outage, Iron Man shows up to investigate and eventually teams up with Hulk (after fighting him of course) to stop the monster and save the world. 

--------------------------------------------------

Things you should know going into this dreck:

• The Hulk can talk and think like an intelligent human being.
• The animation is like a mix of 3D, cell shading and CG. It actually looks pretty bad.
• Tony Stark is still a dick, but he just so happens to be training with his new Hulk Buster armor when all of this goes down.

Marvel has really shit the bed with this one and I hope they come correct with the Captain America/Thor Version. This movie absolutely blows. The story is crappy, the animation is crappy  and it's over an hr long. It's flat out terrible.

 
Violence? Animated
Explosions? Didn't I say it started with a fight between Hulk and Abomination?
Nudity? Only in Tony's Mind. 

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13/13/13 (2013)

For Millennia, calendars have added an extra day every four years. In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar. Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the...

[Even Netflix couldn't even be bothered to  finish their summary. This movie is gonna be terrible..]

The Cast:

• Jack
• Candace
• Crazy Mofos

The Situation:

People are going crazy and everyone is slowly loading their minds. Becoming violent, cranky and generally disrespectful.

According to Candace, a woman he meets at the hospital following his wife's psychotic break, people who were born on a leap year are seemingly immune to the chaos. She explains the situation to Jack. February 29th is not supposed to exist and the current day is 131313, as every leap year has added a day to the calendar.

Although the evidence around him is overwhelming, he decides to disbelieve Candace and rescue his daughter, who most certainly has gone bat shit crazy along with the rest of the world. [If he knew that his daughter was killing and eating spiders, he probably wouldn't have tried so hard to save her.]

The Resolution:

There is no resolution. Everyone dies.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

This is the thing. I felt kinda forced and obligated to watch this movie. Not only have I seen three different versions of 11/11/11, I've seen 12/12/12 AND I suggested 13/13/13 in that review. I brought this upon myself and I don't have much of a choice here. Don't judge me.

Whatever. You're a jerk.

Sidenote:
Why are they still making end of the world Y2k movies? Isn't there some other thing to latch on to?

Sidenote 2:
Asylum movies are a door way into Hollywood for first time directors and actors. They are extremely low budget, so if your movies is good, it opens up more doors. Third movie is not. Far from it in fact. Bad writing, Bad dialogue, bad direction, it's all there and it was about as bad as I expected it to be. Let's never talk about it again.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of violence and F-bombs
Nudity? No

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Only God Forgives (2013)

 

When a cop kills the brother of a British gangster who runs a Bangkok fight club, his crime-boss mother flies in from London to supervise revenge.

 

The Cast:

Ryan Gosling/ Julian
Billy the bro aka Sir DB
Police Chief Chops-A-Lot aka Samurai Cop
Mama (Te quiero, Mamaaaaa!!!!!)
Mai, hot Thai stripper chick.

The Situation: 

Billy and Julian, run a fight club type of operation in Bangkok. Thai men fight, people wager on the outcome and occasionally drugs are passed through.

Billy is a scumbag and he actually deserved to be killed. Raping and killing prostitutes, drinking, beating women and cruising the streets for 14yr old tang? Yep, that's no way to gain sympathy as a character. Julian tracks down his killer and accepts his death as justified. His mother on the other hand, isn't so easily pacified, and she sets off a chain of events and pits the family against the hard edged chief of police, samurai cop who isn't afraid to go above the law and get his hands dirty to stop crime. 

The basic premise behind Only God Forgives is "an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," but with Julian caught in the middle of the chaos. Yes his brother was killed and yes he should want  revenge, but the killing was sort of justified. His mother, on the other hand, wants swift and brutal revenge, not caring that she's up against a samurai cop who is will bring her family nothing but ruin for crossing his path.

-----------------------------

Now I've...had...the time of my liiifffee......

With the exception of The Ides of March, I'd say that Ryan Gosling has been attempting to make the most of his anti hero persona developed in Drive. This film though, doesn't much to help.  He's just in it to look pretty and collect a paycheck. Dude barely talks and except for one scene where he fights (and loses) he doesn't really do shit but look mopey for the entire film. Aside from all of that, it's deliberately slow, painful, and includes a lot of long stares and silence. Tension is supposed to be being built but nothing is really happening other than Karaoke. (Asians sure do like their karaoke)
 

Only God Forgives is like an art house picture film. Like it's trying to be something more than it is. Also, it's a strange movie, Everyone moves like robots. It's weird. Do yourself a favor and don't watch it. Dopest part of this movie is that poster. Which has already been made into a shirt, here

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of slow paced, well plotted violence
Nudity? Yes? No? Idk. They'd have to throw in a lot of titty to salvage this film.

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Trick 'r Treat (2007)

Four interwoven stories that occur on Halloween: An everyday high school principal has a secret life as a serial killer; a college virgin might have just met the one guy for her; a group of teenagers pull a mean prank; a woman who loathes the night has to contend with her holiday-obsessed husband.

 
I remember looking forward to this flick. I thought it was a new horror movie with a new type of villain. But I was disappointed. Trick 'r Treat is actually an anthology of four horror stories. Connecting each of them is that little sack-headed thing on the poster. Each story revolves around someone breaking a "Halloween rule" and being punished for it. It was decent for what it was. I expected different so I'm biased now. Fuck this film.

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity? No

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Red Mist (2008)

A young doctor decides to test an experimental drug on a man who's been languishing in a coma, and the procedure has unexpected consequences: Although the man's body remains rooted to his hospital bed, his spirit can move around at will.

After an acquaintance has a seizure during A night out, a team of young medical interns drop his body at a hospital and work to keep their stories straight. They decided they can't risk their lives and careers admitting the truth so they all pretend it didn't happen. Feeling bad, one of the ladies decides to research a drug that may help the man to recover. The problem is that it is highly experimental and has never been tested on humans. After giving him steady shots of the drug, she finds that he is responsible for the murderers of her friends as he can now control people mentally while seeking revenge for the events of that night.

Red Mist is both bad and pointless. It feels like a lot was cut out, but I'm sure even the omitted parts couldn't salvage this dreck. Skip it. Burn it. And definitely stay away if you or anyone you know suffers from epilepsy. The last scene is unbearable.

Fun Fact: If she had let the guy die in the first place, like her friends wanted, everyone would have lived. That makes her a selfish do-gooder asshole.

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Axe Giant is a dark, contemporary take on the tall tale. Kids at a first-time offenders' boot camp discover the legend of lumberjack Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined.

Here's the story of Paul Bunyan. The absolute truth as told by the local crazy Minnesotan Hillbilly:

He was born with a rare disease that allowed him to be big and tall and live longer, but he'd have the mind of a child. [He became a lumberjack as that just made sense, apparently.] Food was scarce, as animals fled the forest due to the over logging and one winter, the local lumberjacks, hungry, tracked and killed Bunyans blue ox, Babe. He found the loggers cooking and eating him and massacred them. He was hunted down and dragged through town for his crime. They tossed him in an old mine shaft filed with dynamite and lit the fuse, then creating the story of Paul Bunyan the delightful lumberjack to keep prosperity and boost tourism. He escaped from the mine shaft and lived in solitude for years, just growing. The kids disturbed the resting place of his best friend and he aims to kill them all.

Because I want to wrap this up, here's how everyone died:

• The Nerd dies when he grabs the business end of the Crazy old man's rifle.
• Latina is killed when she's chucked into a tree by Bunyan.
• Cocky white dude tries to return what he took from Bunyan, but he gets it spiked right into his chest. Then dragged off for good measure.
• Dick w a badge, Sgt hoke, got chopped in half and then stomped.
• Crazy old man was decapitated
• Slut was spilt in two...by Bunyan's axe. [Having been clam-jammed earlier by the counselor, I'm sure she would have preferred it the other way.] 
• Bunyan is killed by taking a fall into the lake after the local town militia showers him in a hail of bullets
  [The blonde, the counselor and the sheriff lived although the town practically did their best to kill them.]

I'm kind of a sucker for these at risk youth forced into camp and destroyed by some monster movies. The kids are always so terrible and I feel nothing but joy watching them get slaughtered. But I have a problem. At first Paul Bunyan is not a Giant. He is some type of Sasquatch like mongoloid. Then he grows. (He looked like that thing from 300 that betrayed them) Fine. Whatever. What I don't get is how and why his axe grew with him. The ox too. His whole legend makes no sense. Fuck Paul Bunyan! Double fuck you to the Shitty CG and melting muscle suit. Jesus Christ it was terrible.

Seriously, What the Fuck is this?!!

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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The Last Exorcism 2 (2013)

As Nell Sweetzer tries to build a new life after the events of the first movie, the evil force that once possessed her returns with an even more horrific plan.

 

The Cast:

• Nell, a young girl who may or may not have been possessed by the demon Abalam in the first film.
• Abalam, the demon who was in fact real.
• Miss Cleo, who appears later in the film and tries to lend a helping hand during the madness.

 

The Situation: 

Recused from the clutches of Abalam, Nell is cleaned up and starts life anew, attempting to put her past behind her. The demon Abalam, as it turns out, is very real and attempting to consume her body because she's the harbinger of his destruction. Apparently Abalam has left a piece of himself inside Nell, and in a desperate attempt to save her and the world, she undergoes yet another exorcism. As the saying goes, "You're only as good as your first."

The Resolution:

I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that shit happens, but I'd be ruining the movie if I told you exactly what went down and since I can't do spoiler tags on this blog, you're boned; Doomed to watch this dreck if you are curious. People do die though, so there's that.

Some days, I think to myself that ghost/demon sex may be the best sex of all.

The Last Exorcism 2 gained points for being a sequel that started off exactly where the first ended, but that's where it stops. Yes, the last "Last" film, ended weird and open to interpretation, and yes, I do hate that, but it was decent enough to pique my interest in the sequel. Which turned out to be a seriously lackluster film. It moved so slow and was so bad that I lost interest quickly and was just waiting for it to end. I want you to understand, the first did not set the bar super high or anything, but it was competent, at least, and told and a story. This was just flat out terrible and a waste of resources.

At least the first had the preacher. He was charismatic enough to carry it through. Nell was the sole highlight of this film. She was creepy and did a solid job maintaining tension but the nothing happening until the very end and then that shit not at all being worth the wait is what hurts the film.

I don't know what I expected, but my feelings are hurt. The only way I'd accept this film is if it was a setup to an action packed third film. But this movie was a turd and should never be mentioned again.

Violence? Yes. Eventually and even that was weak.
Explosions? Of passive aggressiveness.
Nudity? Nada. They could have at least thrown us a bone.

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The Nun (2005)

Years after graduation, the alumnae of a girls' Catholic school are terrorized by the ghost of a sadistic nun from their high school.

Someone or something, is picking off women and making it appear to be suicides or accidents. After the first two victims are killed, a woman sees what appears to be a nun at both scenes.

During a Senior trip to Barcelona, a young woman named Eve, attempts to do research on the school and the nun, since everything occurred in Spain. She meets a priest who helps her to track down another former student and friend of her mom.  Together, they learn that the school had been closed since 1988 the same year the nun disappeared.

After just missing the third victim, Eve and her friends head toward their school to warn the surviving women of what happened. She finds the them and tells them that Sister Ursula is the one killing people. They vehemently deny that it's her because Sister Ursula is dead. Eve presses on, determined to figure out the cause of the murders. Meanwhile nunny is just picking them off - One by one with water related deaths - while working her way towards Eve. Apparently she plays a larger role in this story than is initially let on and according to the other two, she's completely responsible.

I saw this and said, "A movie about a killer nun? I do believe that's a first." Nope, second. Almost forgot about Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Which was fucking terrible. The bar was set so low. How could you fuck that up? Well, let's make like we're on that Street and Count (Ah ah ah):

1. Movie is pretty boring. Definitely slow in the beginning.
2. The Audio is too damn low!
3. You're at the school, the Nun has killed about 3 people already. She's in the school making spooky shit happen. Everyone is arming themselves. When do you have time for a sex scene? Oh wait the lights are back on, now you don't want it?
4. So an entity made of water becomes flesh and blood when completely submerged in water? Wait, this thing kills with water and you plan to flood an area to kill it?
5. The Nun is a ghost. A water based ghost. What exactly do you plan to do with a harpoon? And where exactly did you get a harpoon? Why are there two?
6. So...you've killed a ghost with a harpoon. What's next?

And the ending shoehorned in a completely ridiculous. improbable and impossible twist considering the story that was told and how the first two kills occurred.

The Nun is beyond weak. I'm 0-2 with killer nun movies. I guess they just aren't entertaining. There were a few films I wished I could give a negative score to. Then I realized that it's my blog and I'ma do what I wants to do.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Slaughter (2009)

On the run from an abusive ex-boyfriend, a woman takes refuge at a new friend's house, where bizarre family members seem to harbor terrifying secrets.

A young woman helps her best friend, Faith, settle into a new town and new life after she decides to leave her abusive relationship. At a bar Faith meets Lola, another attractive young woman, and she seeks out a friendship with her.

Living in constant fear of her abusive ex, Jimmy, [Why are all abusive guys named Jimmy?] things heighten when he somehow obtains her phone number. Under the impression that he has tracked her down, Faith moves in with Lola at the farm and eventually meets the rest of the family. Something is clearly amiss at the farmhouse, but being new and naive, Faith barely notices. Soon enough though, she discovers a terrifying secret.

Giggity!

 

I think that what bothered me the most is knowing that what did happen did not need to happen. A lot of this movie was pointless. For example: If you change your life or move away to escape a dangerous situation, why would you keep the same FB page/contract info? 

Slaughter is a is a very slow moving movie about a girl who escapes an abusive relationship by living on a farm with a girl she met at a bar. While it does take a darker turn about an hour into the film, there's no real tension or action or strife until then. Just characterization. Maybe I'm growing impatient in my old age, but having to wait a hr in for "The Slaughter" is ridiculous. And that's in quotes because nothing really happens. Okay shit happened, but nothing I really wanted or expected.

Anyway, I want to say that this entire film was pointless. After a while, you're just kinda waiting for it to end and that's no way to go though a film.

 

Violence? Yes, eventually.
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009)

An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.

I actually watched this crap and the only thing in noticed rising was my rage. (Hey Ladies... ;-))
Snake eyes and Storm Shadow are clearly the best parts and characters of the film. [Because Ninjas are always fucking awesome. and it takes a lot to make them lame (I'm looking at you American Ninja...)] The entire movie had this cheesy B-Movie feel. Channing (All over your) Tatum, the Armored suits, the reveal of the "Cobra Commander," all of that was the lame icing on this turd cake.

Seriously, what did it really establish besides shitting on a beloved piece of our childhood and spitting in the face of basic physical science? For Fuck's Sake, They had a secret ice base that somehow sank into the ocean!

This movie was beyond crap.

Violence? Yes
Explosions?  Yes
Nudity?  No

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I Am Legend (2007)

Years after a plague kills most of humanity and transforms the rest into monsters, the sole survivor in New York City struggles valiantly to find a cure.

I feel like I should write more about this movie. But you know something? Fuck this movie!

It sucked so hard the first time i watched. But I thought, "everyone loved it, it really can't be that bad. you're being biased." So I watched it again, and I couldn't believe how much it actually did suck. I think people got caught up in the visuals.

  
These are the questions I have for lovers of this movie:

• Why/how is Will Smith's character a scientist?
• Why is it that he's the only one who can stop it? 
• If he really was that valuable, why would anyone leave him there by himself? 
• Was there really just one single solitary lion roaming New York City? 

 
This movie sucked so hard, but everyone was so busy sucking Will to notice.

I'm so over it.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Death sentence (2007)

Nick Hume is a mild-mannered executive with a perfect life, until one gruesome night he witnesses something that changes him forever. Transformed by grief, Hume eventually comes to the disturbing conclusion that no length is too great when protecting his family.

Kevin Bacon is not a badass. Bless his heart though, he really tries here. Death Sentence over reaches and tries to force you to care about his family, so when he hurts, you hurt and when he kills you cheer. I hate being force fed emotions. That shit turns me off as a viewer. I expected better. Shit, I started to cheer for the gang after a while. Logic being, the quicker he is killed, the quicker this crap ends.

Plus, I refuse to believe that Kevin Bacon can go From happy feet to packing heat and be intimidating. Don't get me wrong, there is obviously a story in between, but Death Sentence does not tell it correctly.

  

                                     

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No

Nudity?  No

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Sweat Shop (2009)

A group of friends break into an abandoned factory in order to throw a impromptu party; unaware that it is not as empty as they originally believed.

How could a movie with such an awesome premise shit the bed so thoroughly? 

I'm so upset with this film that I'm not even going to bother with a full review. I'm just going to give you the positives and negatives.

Positives:

• It wasn't even so much of a sledgehammer as it was an anvil with a metal pipe for a handle. That meant more destruction.
• In a locked warehouse, there were no shortage of volunteers. 
• Every bad movie has at least one scene that makes it worthwhile. In sweat shop, that one scene takes place in an elevator and involves head smashing.

Negatives:

•  Sledgehammer guy had help from two random creatures.
• He was skinning people with an anvil.
• You have to wait a while for the dude go on a sledgehammer rampage. Like, a "wait til the end of the film" type of wait.
• They cut away from the bulk of the smashings. That's an Unforgivable offense for a movie that's ABOUT A DUDE THAT SMASHES PEOPLE WITH A GODDAMN HAMMER.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of body parts
Nudity? Yes

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A Lure: Teenage Fight Club (2010)

An undercover female cop enters Belmont High as a transfer student, after several girls in the area go missing. While trying to assimilate in the school, she and her new friends are lured into a place where they must fight for their lives.

There are five things that I feel like pointing out:

1) There's a secret underground fight club where kidnapped teens are forced to fight in life or death battles. A cop is sent in undercover (as a teen) and has to fight for her life to escape.

Actually, that's all you really need to know about the film, but here's some shit I found funny:

1) There were two women on the force. One looked like she could easily fit in with the kids at a high school, the other looked like she belonged on Dawson's Creek. Guess which one they chose?


2) After getting tackled during field hockey (seriously, they put her over a table) The Dawson gets up flips the table and straight up chokes The Rich Bitch, who's all, "use your words! Use your words!" I love a good table flip. The choke was a bonus.


3) At a party, two girls fight. Drunk bitch pushes a girl over a bale of hay and turns away to laugh. Then is surprised when the girl gets up and chokes her. "Ohh so we're just choking people now?"

4) After crashing the first party while looking for Dawson, her undercover bf leaves Drunk Girl and calls it in to his people to shut it down.

5) By the end, one of the girls is stuffed into the trunk of a car. Dawson manages to subdue the driver, and escape as the car right as it starts to careen into a lake. She didn't even try to jump in the water and save the other girl. No one even mentions this going forward.

Bonus:

6) A Lure tries to make up for that last scene with gratuitous titty and then immediately teases a sequel.

There's also this, the pic that got me to watch this crap in the first place:

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Mutants (2009)

While clearing a house for supplies, a man is infected with the disease after a mutant is shot and explodes in his face. His wife, being an EMT packs him up and rushes off to get some space to fix him. She tells him that he has about three days, maybe less before he turns and tries to keep him alive and delay the inevitable while waiting for rescue. The tension increases as 4 other dangerous survivors find them, but despite all of that, it doesn't really get any better or worse until the end as their fortress is besieged by mutants and it becomes a true fight for survival.


Mutants was dull. It just seemed like not a lot was happening. This movie stuck to the standard script and didn't defer. What I did notice was the violent transformation for infected folk. It just looked rough.

I guess that's their contribution to the genre?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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It Waits (2006)

A vengeful beast of legend had been sealed deep within a cave for more than one thousand years. Nearby in a remote forest outpost, young ranger Danielle St. Clair is struggling to confront dark demons of her own.

1. I watched this film for two reasons: I wanted to know what "It" was. And then, was "it" really worth the wait?
2. Whoa??? Are those Actual Indians??? In my Horror movie?
3. Aaannnnd they're gone.
4. They broke down the walls of a cave and explored the ruins. The pictures depicted a beast killing folk. Then he showed up to kill them. The absolutely stupid thing is that the warning was written on the wall inside the sealed cave and they had to get inside to see that warning. Pfft. Natives.
5. A forest ranger sits on the floor drunk, crying, listening to Sarah McLaughlin and being chided by her parrot. Her BFF was killed in a drunken car accident and she's been a wreck ever since. Unfortunately for her, she loses any real sympathy when it is revealed that the cause was drunk driving.
6. She hears a noise at night and goes to check it out. What she finds are huge scratches on the supply shed.
7. Talking with her friend/coworker, she says that she feels a darkness is coming and she may not be able to stop it. (Hey baby, how about you foreshadow those tits?)
8. He tries to tell her that is just survivors guilt but the foreshadowing is just too strong and refuses to be denied. (Unlike dem titties!) 
9. He spends the night and she reveals her deepest darkest secret. He was promptly rewarded with sex (set to country music) for being so cool/supportive. Fellas, there's a lesson here...
10. The Monster appears on the roof and sets off their alarm. He then tears up their satellite and flips a jeep just cuz. Luckily for forest ranger M, he waited until they were done. The Lesson here? Not even 1,000 yr old Native American cave monsters want to be cockblocks.
11. They decide to take turns watching the door waiting for it to strike again. In the morning they manage to escape and head to another location to radio for help. (It was a long night. But at least they got one in.)
12. In the forest, they come across a couple who are lost and too prideful to allow the rangers to help. They are very easily dispatched by the Monster.
13. Male forest ranger buries the bodies and tells her that it may be the same guy that killed those injuns. He convinces her that splitting up is their best course of action and he gets a slow motion walkaway. You know what that means...
14. ...So after he's killed, the Monster goes after Danielle who's now at the tower, solo. She survives, but finds Ranger M's head and shoulders at the shed.
15. After she buries him, she goes on the offensive...by dumping out cans and cans of fruit cocktail, which are supposed to be a crude early detection system. I hope. Or maybe she picked now to express her disdain for fruit cocktail.
16. She manages to fire off a few shots and in the morning, follows it's blood trail to the cave it escaped from. Somehow improbably, one of the Indians survived and explains to her the Monster's myth and history. He says it is drawn to negativity. She of course blows him off, but he insists she cast aside her logical mind, and believe. He gives her the full story and tells her to read it and he'll join her at the tower tomorrow.
17. This is what we know of the Monster: He's Indian, mythological, hunts negative energy, doesn't like water or fire and he's also like a cat that likes to toy with it's prey before killing it. Also, he can fly. 
    
18. She tries to make her escape during the rain but is confronted by the Monster who takes one good look at dem titties, and decides against it (It does sprout wings as a sign of an erection though) and flies off.
19. She manages to trap it in a cave and that also doubles as a metaphor for sealing up her personal demons as well.

Eye roll...

Buried in a cave is where I want to put the memory of watching this crap. Better yet, let's end this with an overly pretentious one liner:

Overall, It Waits was not worth the wait nor its weight as a film. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No. They wouldn't even give us that. SMH.

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