Mis Peores Amigos (2013)/Promedio Rojo (2004)

Mis Peores Amigos is actually a pretty decent, lighthearted little comedy in which 3 friends reconnect after one falls ill and the others learn he only has weeks to live. The goal is to help him complete a bucket list they made in their teens, which also includes finding a leprechaun and traveling through time. 

 It is a direct sequel (albeit 10 years later) to Primera Roja, the film which first established the main characters and their motivations. In that one, the guys are just trying to survive high school when Roberto, the lead, falls in love with a girl who falls for the handsome bully instead. The same bully who torments him daily.  In between the two films, Roberto, has physically transformed himself from fat nerd to beefy architect and he's purposely left his friends/old life behind, and the reunion in Amigos is understandably frosty.

I didn't know Amores was a sequel until the end, where Netflix hit he with the "you might like these..." and it turned out to be the same story that was narrated and starred the same actors only younger. That was dope and watching these films back to back. I felt more invested in the characters.

This isn't something that's going to sit high on my list, but they are decent at the least. Like Terminator, I didn't know the first one existed until I saw the second,, but I enjoyed both either way.

 

Violence? Happens
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Escape From Tomorrow (2013)

On the last day of a family vacation at Disney World, Jim White learns that he's lost his job. Soon thereafter, he begins to lose his mind.

I've actually been led astray by that poster. This movie is pretty bad and there's no salvaging it. I didn't have high hopes or expectations, but I didn't think it would suck sooooo much. While watching, I picked out a few things that irked me:

• This film being black n white. That takes away from the magic of Disney. Which is very well known for its (subjectively creepy) bright and colorful atmosphere.
• The dialogue & characters. Can't really decide which was worst, they both sucked. Like a pair of fake boobs, they neither felt natural.
• The writing/editing/direction. If they weren't so busy running around and filming in secret, the story would have probably felt a bit more cohesive and less rushed/disjointed.
• Smiley, giggly French girls who are clearly stoned and underaged yet are still lusted after American Beauty style by this unemployed middle aged loser. Seriously, one of the girls had braces.
• Cat flu. I guess the logic behind that was: Bird flu has been done. Swine flu is too far out. Mad cow? Not sexy enough. Why not cat flu? Genius.

The novelty of Escape From Tomorrow is that it was secretly filmed in the Disney World theme park, where they explicitly have a "no filming of any kind" policy.  That means that a lot of the film was rushed since they had to film scenes before security caught them. That was pretty ballsy on their part, but it didn't amount to anything but a time waste for everyone involved and everyone watching.

For the first 5 minutes though, it was a pretty good story. I actually sympathized with Jim White, (which is incidentally one of the laziest character names ever) who lost his job while at the happiest place on Earth and has to pretend everything is okay for his family. Not 5 minutes later,  he's standing in line with a bunch of people who are sneezing and coughing and ebola'ing Disney World. The guy doesn't even have health insurance anymore. Throw in an unruly child and a super naggy/frigid wife and I can see why he would go mad.

After that however, nothing. Just visual garbage.

Because Escape from Tomorrow sucks, it feels way longer than it is and should be. To its credit though, although the scenes where Jim White decides that alcohol is the solution to his problems are hilarious, it still doesn't excuse or save this dreck. Overall I'd say it's more of a student film or art-house film that rode the popularity of its viral stunt to a bigger release than it should have had. It flat out sucks though and if I could throw it under the bin, I would. If I could pull a Bill Cosby and buy every copy so that no one else would ever think this was good or interesting or waste their eyeballs in any other way, I definitely would.

Don't waste your time or your life on Escape From Tomorrow.

 

Violence? Yes...No. But that would have improved the film.
Explosions? Of boredom and nagging wife rage
Nudity? No They did film in Disney World, pervs.

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Tomb Raider Ascension (2007)

**So it turns out that this was a legit film. Wow. It was bad enough to convince me it was a fan remake. You can disregard this entire review. I don't feel like rewriting it.***

Tomb Raider Asencsion is an hr long attempt at a reboot of the popular Tomb Raider franchise. In this one, Lara is 17 and kinda bratty. Her father is world famous explorer, Richard Croft and he has requested that she join him in his newest dig in the Himalayas. Along the way, Her plane starts to break apart and she wakes up in a hospital about a week or three later. 

At the request of her uncle, She returns to her home after her father has gone missing for three years and he's been declared dead. She does not believe he's dead and after an extended dream sequence the film cuts to her running through the jungle, training with a military guy in weapons and hand to hand combat. The family butler, Winston, informs her of the Mayan calendar and her father's last mission. The Ascension Stone is said to hold the power to save the world from the events of the Mayan apocalypse. She decides to take up his search, hoping to both find him and succeed where literally, everyone else who has tried has died failing.

I'm grateful for The most recent Tomb Raider game. It has successfully rebooted the franchise and was so good, it made us forget all the other Tomb Raider related shit (minus the first game). This film was pretty bad, but I've learned since then that it was a fan made remake. Keeping that in mind, I can't judge it too harshly. I can see where they wanted to go with it but seriously, no. 

I know that this movie seeks to cover a lot within an hour, but seriously here's a mixed bag of things that were put to film:

• The Mayan Apocalypse is real and although we've been feeling the symptoms of our impending doom, the governments of the world have managed to convince its populations that global warming is the true culprit and there's no reason to be concerned.
• Lara walks into a, cave, trips over one rock, and finds the unfindable stone that has been lost for centuries.
• It's like they tried to make it as much like the original video game as possible. Including shit like avoiding bullets by doing several cartwheels and backflips in a row.
• There was a moment where her partner calls out to Alfred, her butler, when they've explicitly stated his name was Winston.
• They tried to dress her up like the late 90s version of the character. (Braid, shades, camouflage, etc.)

Despite the bad, (and there was a lot of that,) it was a decent film that did what it could in an hour and it did manage to mix in some humor though. That made things a little easier to swallow. It's a fan made remake, and those are pretty hit or miss. Usually miss though. 

It would be unfair of me to score a fan film, so I won't. Sucks for you. 

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Rapture-Palooza(2013)

Two teens battle their way through a religious apocalypse on a mission to defeat the Antichrist.

The Cast:

• Anna Kendrick
• Craig Robinson
• The Robs (Coddrey/Huebel)
• Rachew Maddow

 

The Situation:

Here one min, gone the next, the bulk of humanity is raptured and many are left below. In addition to the locusts, falling rocks and wraiths, the rapture has also seen the rise of the anti-christ, a Seattle born politician named Earl, who calls himself The Beast

The Beast has big plans for reshaping the world, but falls for the adorkably innocent, girl next door, Kendrick. After learning she's a virgin, he sets out to do damage to her various orifices and plant his demon seeds, firmly establishing his empire.

The Resolution:

The Beast is defeated, and peace returns to the land, but someone is pregnant...

-------------------------------------

Rapture-palooza came out around the same time as This is the End, the other rapture based movie, also starring Craig Robinson. I saw the trailers, read about it, did all that jazz, but I wasn't too enthused. I finally say down to watch it the other day and quite honestly, I enjoyed it. 

The Beast is a legitimate beastly character. He wants what he wants and he's not shy or subtle about it and some of the best parts of the movie were his advances towards Anna Kendrick. Every other character played their role well and you can guess my surprise at finding my guy, Tyler Labine as one of the Beasts' guards.

Needless to say, Rapture-Palooza is not as good as This is the End, but they really can't be compared. On top of everything, the title is "Rapture-Palooza." You kinda know what you're getting into.

Violence? Yes

Explosions? yes

Nudity? No

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Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

I greatly enjoyed the first film. I'm curious as to where they go in this one.

It's a new year at camp half blood and despite saving Olympus on the last film, Percy can't get over the hump of being a one quest chump. 

After the camp is attacked, he learns that he is part of a, grand prophecy, and he will either save or destroy Olympus when the time comes. But he must first seek the Golden Fleece, and heal the tree that provides the barrier of protection for the camp.

Luke, his nemesis from the first film, has turned a few of the other Demi-God's to his cause and he again seeks to bring about the fall of Olympus. He needs the Golden Fleece in order to revive Kronos, King of the Titans who has the power to destroy Zeus and all the Olympians.

Their paths cross in the Sea of Monsters, where the fleece resides and the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

////////////////////

I said it before and I'll say it again, I like Greek mythology. Percy Jackson is a dope series. I haven't read the books and I don't intend to, but the movies are consistently entertaining. The concept is awesome (ancient Greek mythology in the modern world), the special effects are dope and the comedy elements from the first are carried over into the film (although they've been noticeably played down in favor of Percy's battle against self-doubt.)

If you watched and enjoyed the first, you'll like the second. Sea of Monsters is the second film in the series, but you don't have to watch The Lightning Thief to understand/enjoy it.

/////////////////

Stray Quotage:

"It's the chariot of the damned.
         It looks like a NYC taxi.
Same difference"

"I'd be hurt if I wasn't such a self confident individual"

"I had to crawl through the depths of Tartarus itself...and Cleveland"

Violence? Ancient Greek Self defense
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Santa's Slay (2005)

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

This movie supposes that Santa is the son of Satan and was tricked into becoming benevolent and I can tell you honestly that If I didn't need an xmas movie for the blog I would have never bothered. But in the first five minutes it's a given that this will be a bad movie masterpiece. It stars Bill Goldberg as the Bad Santa and if he doesn't deliver at least one spear I will never forgive him or me for watching this shit.

The Cast:

• Goldberg (post taser)
• Teen boy - Nicholas
• Teen girl - Mary
• Artie (they let him out of the warehouse)
• Deebo
• Inept cops
• Grandpa

The Situation:

Goldberg is Santa and he's pissed. People will die. Yaks will be ridden.

As the demon rides near, one teen, his girlfriend and his grandfather must stop him before he destroys their town.

The Resolution:

 

Find a way to survive until the end of Xmas

Goldberg looks like he's having fun. That's important.

Stray Quotage:

"You got me a gun? I don't  want to seem ungrateful, but are you a fucking retard?"

"Ho. Ho. Ho's!" [walking into a strip club]

"We're trapped in a closet on Christmas with Santa trying to kill us. How fucked up is that?"

"What in God's name are you doing?
Well I'm just trying to spread a little yuletide fear.

Santa's Slay is a very enjoyable bad movie by my standards. Bad acting, bad cgi, shitty music, explosive presents, Goldberg. This film has it all and what do we get 34 min into the movie? Spear! Spear! Spear! Yes It was a shitty version, but I'll take it. 

Again, if I didn't need the film, I wouldn't have bothered, but I'm actually glad I did. Dude really is a pretty brutal/efficient killer. and I'm all about the Evil Santas.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Oz The Great and Powerful (2013)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

Someone decided that 60yrs was long enough and the story of the Wizard of Oz has to be told from the wizard's point of view. Exactly who is the man behind the curtain? What are his motivations? Does he dream in Technicolor?

The Cast:

• Oz, charlatan magician/future king
• Zach braff, magicians assistant, future ape
• Theodora, the wickedest of all the wicked witches
• Elnora, creates witches, watches the throne like JayZ
• Glenda, the Good witch

The Situation:

Oz is a conman magician in a traveling circus during the Dust Bowl era of Kansas. He feels that he is better than he is and he shouldn't have to be performing in dusty towns. He wishes to be a great man and while running from some danger, he is caught in the middle of a cyclone and transported to the Land of Oz, where becomes their prophesied savior and saves the land from the terror of the Wicked Witch.

The Resolution:

Despite a rocky journey, he finds himself  defeating the witch and saving the land. He makes preparations for the future saviour because evil can never die.

Along the way, he becomes the man he's always wanted to be and the hero the world always knew he was.

 

   Oz hath no fury like a witch who's scorned...

Oz The Great and Powerful is a better movie and story than I thought it'd be. Idk what I expected, but I found myself pleased. It's an origin story that explains how and why one became wicked and the other became Zordon. On top of that, it movie looks and sounds amazing and is very well acted (even though the writing was hammy). It seemed like they had fun filming and surprisingly no one mailed in their performance, which tends to happen in movies like these. I'm giving special props to Mila Kunis. Her turn as the witch was amazing and she acted her ass off.

All the stuff is there, The Emerald City, The Yellow Brick Road, the flying monkeys, and the witch's water allergy. But there were only a few things that bothered me. Namely, Oz is propheczed to be the Wizard King of the land, but it's never made clear whether he's a king of all wizards or a wizard who is also a king.

Also the super hammy dialogue was a bit much: 

"You could be a good man, if you wanted to." But I don't. I don't want to be a good man, I want to be a great man." Ugh.

That's all I ever wanted for you, greatness." Double ugh. 

I'm like just get to the flying monkeys! and of course the flying monkeys are baboons. Baboons are terrifying.

Zach Braff? How did that happen? Maybe he's running out of that good Scrubs money? 

Nah. He probably always wanted to be a flying monkey or some shit.

 
Stray Quotage: 

- Let's go make some magic
- Of course I'll save this little talking money...in a bellhop's uniform.
- Are you really going to do this? 

         How hard can it be to kill a wicked witch?

    Hard. Really hard. Really really hard.

- Every lie you tell gets us one step closer to the emerald city dungeon.
      Then don't think if them as lies, think of them as stepping stones on the road to greatness

 

Violence? Eh
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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This Is The End (2013)

Wanted to see this movie when it dropped. Funds wasn't right just then. The stars have finally aligned. 

The Cast:

Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Craig Robinson, James Franco, Danny McBride star as themselves. Plus Tons of celebrity cameos including Rihanna, a coked up Michael Cera, and a fiery Emma Watson.

The Situation: 

Jay Baruchel comes to LA to visit Seth Rogen for the weekend. They go to James Franco's house for a party and not soon after earthquakes and the destruction of society as a whole. The guys hold up in the house, board up the windows and doors and try to wait it out. 

Jay floats out the idea that it's the rapture but that is shot down. Yet slowly reaffirmed.

Stray Quotage:

"This place is like a piece of me. You've just stepped in me.
Sweet, you let us come inside you."

"Sick reference, bro. Your references are always out of control."

"Just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside, doesn't mean we can't have fun."

"Is Michael Ceras butthole as cute as I pictured?"

"A huge earthquake comes, who do they rescue first? Actors."

"We're all actors. We pretend to be hard. We're soft. We're all as soft as baby shit."

This is the End is hilarious. I Thoroughly enjoyed it although I think it went on a bit longer than it should have, it was so well put together that I can't hold that against it. Granted I'm late to the party, but I really can't talk more about it because it's too easy to spoil. So go watch it. Then come back.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Santos (2008)

Santos, a failed comic book artist, lives in a parallel universe where he's a superhero who has to save the world.

A Comic book writer finds out that the world he thought he has created is actually real, and the stories he was telling were actually repressed memories. It also turns out that his bff for life is also from the same planet, equally as powerful and intent on destroying the world and he is destined to defeat him using his own powers. Santos is a cheesy, but ultimately self aware flick that nails the comedy from the nerdy aspect of the superhero/comic book genre. Plus Elsa Pataky and her wonderful super powered breasts make an appearance.

Violence?  Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Super Titty

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Tai Chi Zero (2012)

Yang travels to Chen Village to learn a powerful form of Tai Chi. Though villagers are forbidden from teaching outsiders, Yang becomes their best hope for survival when a man arrives with a plan to build a railroad through the village.

A man is born with what is known as "The Three Blossoms of the Crown," a technique that allows its user near invincibility and complete mastery of his martial art. His current boss is a warlord who uses his technique to finish battles and each time he uses it, it takes a toll on his health. After the last fight, he was told that he's dying as he wastes his chi and he should seek out Master Chen and beg him to teach his style of kung fu.

He soon learns that The Chen style of Kung-Fu is not taught to outsiders and he's rebuffed despite his many efforts. However he is determined and once the town is threatened by its prodigal son, he intervenes, hoping to win their favor. Shit quickly his the fan and you'll have to watch Tai Chi Hero to finish the story.

Tai Chi Zero is actually fun and entertaining. It looks amazing and the storyline is both solid and consistent. The action scenes come often and there's very little filler. Just about everyone in the film has a background in martial arts or were someone that was pivotal to martial arts cinema and they get title cards explaining who they are when they first show on screen. That was an idea that's actually dope in concept and execution. Anyway, I'm actually looking forward to  and I hope it doesn't Kill Bill Vol.2 itself. That'd be bad. Mmmkay...

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)

Axe Giant is a dark, contemporary take on the tall tale. Kids at a first-time offenders' boot camp discover the legend of lumberjack Paul Bunyan is real, but is much more horrifying than they could have imagined.

Here's the story of Paul Bunyan. The absolute truth as told by the local crazy Minnesotan Hillbilly:

He was born with a rare disease that allowed him to be big and tall and live longer, but he'd have the mind of a child. [He became a lumberjack as that just made sense, apparently.] Food was scarce, as animals fled the forest due to the over logging and one winter, the local lumberjacks, hungry, tracked and killed Bunyans blue ox, Babe. He found the loggers cooking and eating him and massacred them. He was hunted down and dragged through town for his crime. They tossed him in an old mine shaft filed with dynamite and lit the fuse, then creating the story of Paul Bunyan the delightful lumberjack to keep prosperity and boost tourism. He escaped from the mine shaft and lived in solitude for years, just growing. The kids disturbed the resting place of his best friend and he aims to kill them all.

Because I want to wrap this up, here's how everyone died:

• The Nerd dies when he grabs the business end of the Crazy old man's rifle.
• Latina is killed when she's chucked into a tree by Bunyan.
• Cocky white dude tries to return what he took from Bunyan, but he gets it spiked right into his chest. Then dragged off for good measure.
• Dick w a badge, Sgt hoke, got chopped in half and then stomped.
• Crazy old man was decapitated
• Slut was spilt in two...by Bunyan's axe. [Having been clam-jammed earlier by the counselor, I'm sure she would have preferred it the other way.] 
• Bunyan is killed by taking a fall into the lake after the local town militia showers him in a hail of bullets
  [The blonde, the counselor and the sheriff lived although the town practically did their best to kill them.]

I'm kind of a sucker for these at risk youth forced into camp and destroyed by some monster movies. The kids are always so terrible and I feel nothing but joy watching them get slaughtered. But I have a problem. At first Paul Bunyan is not a Giant. He is some type of Sasquatch like mongoloid. Then he grows. (He looked like that thing from 300 that betrayed them) Fine. Whatever. What I don't get is how and why his axe grew with him. The ox too. His whole legend makes no sense. Fuck Paul Bunyan! Double fuck you to the Shitty CG and melting muscle suit. Jesus Christ it was terrible.

Seriously, What the Fuck is this?!!

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Barbarian Queen (1985)

When Roman forces invade her village, violate her sister and capture her fiancé, an Amazonian queen vows revenge and sets out to liberate her people.

 As Amazonian Queen Amethea gets ready for her wedding, a group of Romans attack on horse back and although the men fight valiantly, the invaders do a lot of damage and collect a lot of new slaves. After the battle, she learns that her sister has also been kidnapped and she embarks on a path of revenge.

Revenge never looked so good...or fought so bad.

Barbarian Queen is such a crappy movie filled with bad dialogue. But that's the thing. You aren't supposed to love the dialogue, your supposed to be watching the hot Amazon women kick all sorts of ass. The sex appeal is the only reason these films were made, might as well enjoy it. Sword fights, barbarians, titty. Can't ask for much else. Okay, maybe you can ask for better dialogue. ::Shrug::

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)

Lara Croft is on a quest to save Pandora's box.

The Tomb Raider movie franchise was basically an excuse for Jolie to hold guns and be what nerds would consider sexy for about an hour and a half. The plot has her searching for "Pandora's Box," because she's a treasure hunter who doesn't want it to fall in the wrong hands.

Angelina is badass as Lara Croft. That I can't deny. The movie itself however, isn't that good. At all. I wasn't expecting it to be awesome because it was a sequel to a previously crappy film, but shit, I what I got was barely better than Blood Rayne. (Strong statement, I know) A Pre-Spartan Gerard Butler co-stars if you're interested, but I'd say watch only if you'd like to suffer through another bad video game movie or if you have a Jolie + water fetish.

 

Violence? Yes

Explosions? No

Nudity?  No

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The Sorcerer and the White Snake (2011)

After herbalist Xu Xian weds a woman who saved him from drowning, he discovers that she's an incarnation of the 1,000-year-old Madam White Snake.

Jet Li is a monk, well, sorcerer I guess, who's been battling the the White Snake, a bewitching demon. After a quick opening scenes battle, he manages to defeat her and trap her in a spiritual rock. Years later, an herbalist nearly drowns and is saved by a mysterious woman. It turns out she's the reincarnation of the white snake and the sorcerer attempts to either recapture her or kill her, much to the herbalists chagrin. After she's taken out (spoiler alert!) He tries to break her out and when danger befalls him, she essentially does the same.

 I would do anything for love, but I won't do that...

At its core, The Sorcerer and the White Snake is about love. Specifically a  forbidden interspecies love between man and demon. It supposes that humans and demons are capable of going to extended lengths for love. Outside of that drama, it also has awesome visual effects and Solid kung fu action. But it loses points for a random talking rat demon(s).

 

Violence? No
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Zeus is pissed that someone has stolen his lightning bolt. Since the brothers cannot steal each other's powers, he automatically believes that Poseidons son is the culprit. He gives Poseidon 14 days to return it, or he will declare war.

Percy Jackson is what he believes to be a normal high school teen who happens to suffer from dyslexia. He lives with his mom and deadbeat stepfather in an apartment in NYC.

Everything changes for him on a museum field trip. His teacher changes into a fury, his best friend is revealed as a guardian, and the tour guide was a keeper of a huge secret. Turns out that even his mother is in it. When they finally break it down for him, his mother reveals that he is a demigod. The son of Poseidon and a mortal.

Although he vehemently denies it, Everyone is after him because they have been led to believe that he has stolen Zeus' bolt. Hades kidnaps his mother and holds her for ransom. He intends to use the bolt to break out of his prison and rule Olympus. Percy basically decides "fuck that, I don't have the bolt anyway" and sets out to gain entry to hell to retrieve his mom. Along the way, he grows into his abilities, finds the bolt, the true culprit and reconciles with Poseidon. 

Sean Bean as an immortal? Unfathomable.

How did I miss this movie? The Lightning Thief is a pretty darn good movie. The visual effects are dope and the comedy breaks up the ridiculousness. I'm digging how they've taken Greek Mythology and blended it with present day society. (Olympus is accessed from the empire state building, the entrance to Hades is in Hollywood California, etc) and there's a fucking Minotaur.

What I didn't like was how they had about 10 days to find the bolt and 

1) Percy really didn't give a fuck about that. He was only in it to save his mom. (It basically landed in his lap)
2) they drove from NY to CA (with a stop inbetween in TN) and still had enough time left to lose 5 days in a drug induced haze.

Ridiculous.

Then they stole a Maserati (the logo is a trident) and Rosario Dawson showed up in a corset and I just about forgot my whole damn argument. 

 Oh. My. Zeus.

Check out the noticeables in the rest of the cast list: 

Brandon T. Jackson 
Sean Bean [Immortal]
Kevin McKidd [Rome!!!]
Steve Coogan [Rock Me Sexy Jesus!]
Melina Kanakaredes
Uma Thurman [The Bride]
Pierce Brosnan [The Bond]
Catherine Keener

Joe Pantoliano [Matrix!!!]

And no one mailed in their performance. Uma Thurman killed it as Medusa. 

Fuck it, I'm a sucker for Greek Mythology. Percy Jackson is the shit. 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Battle: Bigfoot (2012) vs Sasquatch (2003)

I don't think I've ever seen a Bigfoot movie outside of Harry and the Hendersons. I saw these two on Netflix and figured I'd kill birds with stones. I did a comparison and holy black on a Popo, did Bigfoot suck.


The Poster

On first glance, I would give this to Sasquatch. He looks more menacing. Plus any incarnation of Bigfoot should never ever be that far out of a forest. 

Winner: Sasquatch.

The Plots:

Sasquatch: After finding the mutilated bodies of the crew of a downed plane in a forest, a rescue party realizes there's something deadly in the woods with them.

Bigfoot: After Bigfoot unleashes his wrath on music lovers at an outdoor music festival, crunchy granola peacenik Simon Quinn vows to save the Sasquatch.

Uh, they are both equally terrible. I can't give a victory to either of them.

Winner: Neither.

The Cast:

Sasquatch: Lance Henriksen, Erica Durance.

Bigfoot: Danny Bonaduce, Barry Williams, Andre Royo, Sherilyn Fenn, Alice Cooper

Pfft. As much as I want to hate on BonaDouchy, there is really no contest. Not only did they get the Partridge and Brady families together, they got Bubbles from The Wire, and Alice Cooper too.

Winner: Bigfoot.


The Monster:

 Bigfoot:

Sasquatch:

The monster in Bigfoot was an atrocious Computer Generated hairy turd, that only hot larger as the movie went on.

The Sasquatch -outright- looks like the offspring of a Sasquatch, a Viking and a zulu warrior. But he still looks better than that other crappy version.

Winner: You tell me which one looks more like a "missing link." Sasquatch


Monster in Action:

Bigfoot: Bigfoot was a rampaging beast. All he did was run amok and eat people. And grow.
He also has tunnel vision and a taste for human blood. 

Sasquatch: Sasquatch was a thinking man's monster. he only killed for revenge and he tried to mate with a human female. He watches from a distance and torments them from afar. Even going so far as to frame a deer for his actions.

This one was tough. I'm all for reckless monster killing, but no matter how many heads he ate, the Bigfoot really was terrible. Sasquatch dragged a woman through the woods, and then killed her when she rejected him. If that isn't horny male behaviour (Yes, with a "u") idk what is.

Winner: Sasquatch


Defeating the Beast:

Bigfoot: Goes on a rampage that ends with him, the heroes and Roosevelt's face being blown up at Mt. Rushmore.

Sasquatch: Sasquatch revealed himself and stares at the remaining guy. The story ends there. an epilogue reveals that although they knew he was real, they denied his existence.

Winner: Bigfoot. What can I say? I'm a sucker for an actual ending.


Final Tally/Thoughts:
Although it was close, Sasquatch pulls it out 3-2.  Sasquatch was easily the better film. Bigfoot was like the worst of all killer animal bad movies. I just wish I could give negative stars as a score. From the graphics, to the audio, to the dialogue and even the cast, i don't think there's a single redeeming quality to this film. Syfy has done way better shit than this. They were clearly mailing this one in. AND, how the fuck does a Bigfoot turn into the Scrappy Doo version of King Kong? To top it all off, they teased me yet again, with a Gatling gun. Fired for 2 seconds. Again, I need more. 

So since Sasquatch is a better film, it'll get the score.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Spiders (2013)

When huge mutant spiders invade New York's subway, a transit supervisor and a health inspector must try to stop the spread of the killer arachnids.

Spiders are shown in space aboard a satellite that they've ravaged. It is then broken by a passing asteroid and crashes into earth. Directly into the nyc subway system. [I don't really think they're actually in New York though. Bastards.]

The first guy to die is named Jimmy. Hah. Classic Jimmy. They claim he hit the third rail and was electrified. Unsatisfied with that logic, his boss heads into the tunnels to try and piece together what happened.
His ex wife is down there for some reason as a health inspector and refuses to give the okay to re open the subway. Citing the dead rats and the space waste. [Somehow the health department has jurisdiction over the subway tunnels. You have to love Bloombergs New York.]

It's revealed that the spiders are actually an alien life form who--after gene splicing-- have taken the form of spiders and a Russian scientist is working with a U.S. military commander to obtain the queen egg for nefarious purposes. That egg was once inside of Jimmys body, and had since been removed by our hero and his ex. Barely confined to the subway, the Spiders breach the surface and are now above ground seeking to make a larger nest for their queen, who comes through and predictably fucks things up. The army, the navy, and the entire nypd tried and failed to take her down. You want to know how they beat her? She was rammed to death by a speeding train car that pushed her into the subways electrical grid.

Two quick thoughts:

I first thought they would automatically be giant killer spiders and I was disappointed that they weren't. They are pretty big, but nothing like what's on the cover. The only thing better than killer animals is Giant killer animals. Then they said just about the best thing a guy like me could hear, "They grow Six inches per hour." Aka like Master Wu say, "patience grasshopper. Giant Spider must grow first"

People like to gawk and spectate. Once the area was cordoned off, there were nothing but bystanders. They told them it was a virus which predictably put them in a panic. What if they had just told them that it was spiders? Giant fucking spiders. I guarantee you that area would have been clear. Except for a few nutjobs with "we heart spiders" signs.

Ooohh: Let's play Do You know how I know?

Do you know how I know they aren't in NY?

• The health department operates like a research and development lab and has their own cars.
• Dude was on the phone, in a moving train car, traveling underground and talked from the time he got on the train until he got off.

You know how i know this is a bad movie?  The Dialogue.

• "They've quarantined Emma, in the apt. i can't get to her." "We have to go find her" Sigh. 
• So what's the plan? Well we're gonna get past the heavily armed guards and the giant spiders, get Emily, and get her past the heavily armed guards and giant spiders then get out of here."

You know how else?

• The military are entirely overpaid and inefficient. They had a fucking gattling gun! And couldn't hit shit. The spiders were like 8 ft by this point. There's no fucking excuse.
• All of the spiders have teeth. Which is ridiculous. But since they are technically space creatures, I'll allow it. Chang?

 

Sidenote: I need more Gatling Gun in my life. Dude was on it for like 2 secs before the spiders got him. That's not enough. They need to make like Busta Rhymes and gimme some more. 


Spiders was pretty bad, but It also had its unintentionally funny moments. Like how it shocked the scientist when the rogue colonel went rogue and turned on him too. I found that funny. Also how they killed the queen and walked away. just disregarding the rest of the colony. I guess we're just gonna forget about them, huh?

Anyway, Sometimes you find yourself in the mood for a bad movie. ::Shrug:: This time: Spiders aka Spiders 3D. Yes, Seriously. It was 3D. The main draw was space spiders. How could i pass that up?

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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