The Man From Nowhere (2010)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

 

A quiet pawnshop keeper with a violent past takes on a drug- and organ trafficking ring in hope of saving the child who is his only friend.

The Cast:

• Badass that just wants to be left alone
• Little girl who warms his heart
• Druggie mom who dances for dollars
• Korean gangsters who are tough guys until they eat a fist or two

The Situation:

After a woman steals a brick of heroin, Korean Gangsters track her down, cut her up and take her daughter. Their neighbor, a reluctant badass and friend of the little girl, gets caught up in the drama when the thugs knock over his shop and rushes out to save her from a grisly fate.

The Resolution:

Badass man goes full Taken and cleans house in route to save the girl. When he gets some bad news, his pissed off meter goes to over 9000(!!!) and he wrecks even more shop.

//////////////////////////////////////

The Man From Nowhere is one of the best crime thrillers to come from (South) Korea. As it starts off, it seems very similar to The Professional, but it quickly takes a different turn once the ball gets rolling and becomes more comparable to Taken. That's not to say it's the same, but Nowhere borrows from both films while guiding the film down a different path. 

It's a solid foreign flick that's action packed, fight filled and well acted. Here's the trailer so judge for yourself.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Of fists to the face
Nudity? Itty bitty titty

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Thankskilling 3 (2012)

Hot on the heels of surprise cult hit  Thankskilling, comes Thankskilling 3 with the return of Turkey, the serial killing Turkey. Thankskilling is not a movie you expect to be good. You know it's bad, beyond terrible even, but that's part of the charm. You're just going along for the ride.

 

The Cast:

Turkey
Uncle Donny
Yomi
Randa Space Worm
Muffy
The Pluckmaster 1 self plucking and roasting oven.

The Situation:

While sitting at home with his family, Turkey is watching the news when he hears the news that Thankskilling 2, was named the worst movie ever made and all copies except for one have been destroyed. Turkey sets out to get the final copy as he inserted bits of an ancient curse into it and that would cast everyone who watched it under his spell and cause them to die a horrible lonely death. 

The heroes, Uncle Donny, Yomi, Ronda Worm and Muffy discover the truth about the film and learn that the last copy must be destroyed in space in order to break his curse. Turkey would very much like to destroy humanity and attempts to kill everyone that gets in the way of his plans. 

The fate of the world is directly tied to the last remaining copy of Thankskilling 2 aka "In space, no one can hear you baste."

The Resolution: 

Turkey is defeated and the world is saved. The heroes get their happy ending, but Turkey can never be killed. 

(((((((())))))))))(((((((((()))))))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))(((((((()))))))

Thankskilling 3 lacks the charm of the first film. I feel that while it's enjoyable, the film drags and it's apparent that they tried to outdo their original. Hitting on some parts and wildly missing on others.

Besides being a bit longer than it needs to be, it's pretty much an excuse to be as ridiculous and as offensive as possible and only people who have liked the first could possibly like the second --and even then that goodwill may be stretched-- but it is so absolutely ridiculous that it becomes enjoyable.

Stray Quotage:

• Nice tits, bitch...in space!
• Your movie was worse than that toilet paper commercial that actually shows people wiping their asses.
• I'm not mean, I'm nasty.
• I got glaucoma. I've got a glock, you've got a coma. I can't see shit.

 For the record, there is not and never was a Thankskilling 2, but here's another Thankskilling 3 poster:

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? First Scene

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Iron Man: Rise of Technovore (2013)

The Cast:

• Tony Stark/Iron Man
• James Rhodes/War Machine
• Shield - Nick fury, Maria Hill, Hawkeye and Black Widow
• Bad Guys

The Situation:

The Howard Satellite, which was created by Tony Stark, is about to be launched. It's technology will allow SHIELD to monitor the full range of human activity all over the planet, with the intention of stopping crime before it happens.

On the day of the launch, a an armored group calling themselves The Raiders attack and try to delay the launch. They claim that their boss is a lot more technologically advanced than Tony Stark will ever be and Tony races off to confront him.

The bad guy is revealed to be Ezekiel Stane, son of Obadiah, one of Tony's first enemies. He calls himself, the future and says that people who place their faith in high technology deserve to die. His goal is to teach humanity a lesson about relying on technology and placing it on an altar. He aims to liberate people from technology by destroying their reliance on it. He also believes that Tony Stark is old technology and his is the new technology that will replace it.

[He also believes in sending mixed messages]

The Resolution: 

Iron Man saves the day. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Stray Quotage:

Stane: Technology and the people who give birth to it are nothing more than false idols leading society to disaster.

Tony: I'll make it up to you. How about I buy you a villa, with a whole support staff?
Pepper: You already bought me that last time you took my vacation.
Tony: Okay, I'll buy you a whole island then. I need your help.

Tony: I've worked with some shady people in the past

The Punisher: This has nothing to do with some rich idiot who dresses like a hot rod.

Tony: Don't do it, Frank. They're just following orders.
The Punisher: Don't worry, they don't need their kneecaps to breathe!

The Punisher: Next time Stark asks for help, I'm gonna put a bullet in him."

   

Rise of Technovore as a whole is kinda dull, but the cameos from the other marvel characters make up for a lot. The Punisher, in particular, is hilarious. The bad guy is Ezekiel Stane, Obadiah Stanes son and in case you forgot who he was, there's a quick flashback to Stane's death in the Iron Man movie.

Now that we got the decent stuff out of the way, let me get to why this only gets two stars:

1) Tony Stark calling this kid "boy" for their anti-climactic face off was kind uncomfortable. Seriously.

2) Nick Fury wastes tons of bots and manpower trying to bring in Tony Stark. Even going as far as to order them to shoot to kill. Which has to be the dumbest thing ever. Logically, if you want him because he's your prime witness or suspect, what would killing him accomplish? Also, he sells you your tech. You don't think he can defeat it? Thirdly, you're friends. Maybe you should just follow him at a distance? Clearly he knows a bit more than he lets on. Fourth: "There's something I've been trying to tell him, but he's blocking all communications" Well, honestly Nick, why do you suppose that is?

The guy they got to voice Nick Fury sounds a good deal like Sam Jackson. It's not 100% match. But enough that I'd allow it.

3) "He's planning on wiping out every living thing on this planet." But that's the thing. If I understand whatever it is this movie had been saying, It's that he wants to eliminate all of the old technology. The people were just bonuses. Then they just kinda shifted the film to fit that narrative. Ridiculous. Also, just wtf is a Technovore? That's never really clearly defined, other than its a threat to existence. [Which it wasn't when the film started.] "Hey look kids, Iron Man!" Pfft. I guess that's enough.

Sidenote: I just want to point out that they lose the helicarrier in this movie and by my count that's maybe the third or fourth one they've lost in general. Get your shit together SHIELD!

Violence? Yes

Explosions? Yes

Nudity? No

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Celda 211 (2009)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

 

 

The Cast:

• Juan Oliver,  a new correctional guard, scheduled to start work tomorrow
• Malamadre, notorious criminal. King of the prison. Voice like Popeye smoked chimneys instead of pipes
• The warden and guards
• Elena, Juan's wife and future baby seal

The Situation:

Touring the prison he's due to start guard work, Juan Oliver struck by falling bricks. As opposed to taking him to the infirmary, the officers on duty take him to Cell 211 to recover. Soon after, a riot breaks out and prisoners take over both the cell block and the entire prison. Out of time, the guards are forced to leave him and he awakens to find himself trapped with the inmates until the situation is resolved.

Stuck inside with no means of escape, Juan immediately gets into prisoner mode, knowing that he must do whatever he can to survive and with virtually no news of what's happening inside the prison, friends and family of the inmates start rioting outside the facility. Right in the thick of things is Juan's pregnant wife, Elena.

The Resolution:

The SWAT team was ready to go the minute they got an opening and they did their jobs when they got the greenlight.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Celda 211 is actually a pretty tense film. Prison riots are no joke and on top of that, the staff also had to deal with riots outside of the prison as well as someone leaking information to the prisoners.

A couple things threw me off though:

1) At what part does a riot become too much riot? They mobbed outside of the prison, threw rocks at the guards and facility then stopped an ambulance and pulled out its passenger. Why you ask? Because prisoners were rioting inside, some were killed and no one was releasing any information. Only in Spain would they have a riot inside and outside of a prison. Nobody cares that much about the prisoners in America.

2) The ETA members on the outside, decide to create more terrorism in response to their members in the prisons being held hostage. Okay. What do they go with? Car bombings. And not of important people either. Just a quick bombing to let everyone know they are upset about the situation.

Here's my question: Why not just blow up the prison or something? Wouldn't that make more sense? Wait, I'm sure you know where the governor or prime minister lives. How about you use that information? Jerks.

Anyway, besides those two things, Celda 211 is actually quite enjoyable. Malamadre is presented as this really intense and intimidating character and Juan thinks pretty quick on his feet. Both are in a ridiculous situation, but for different reasons and throughout the film as tensions increased, Juan thought more like a prisoner than the guard he was supposed to be.

I found the whole thing interesting for this one concept: In the mouth of madness, how long can you keep your sanity?

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Hell Baby (2013)

The Cast:

• The Watsons: The family dealing with demonic possession and pregnancy
• The Neighbor: lives in their crawlspace, often startles folks
• The cops: Just trying to get to the bottom of the matter and spread the Po'boy love
• The Priests:  Chain smoking, Po'boy eating, boob loving exorcists. Not your everyday priests.

The Situation: 

Expecting parents buy a home in an "up and coming" neighborhood, The Maison de Sangre aka the House of Blood. Not too long after the wife begins to act strange and out of character. While strange things begin to occur in and around the house.

Her husband slowly comes to realize that's his wife has been possessed and when he seeks help, two cigarette smoking, sunglass wearing priests sent from the Vatican, show up to investigate.

The Resolution: 

They were unable to prevent the demon baby from being born, but they were able to prevent it from spreading its evil and they found the time to enjoy some Po'Boys along the way.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Hell Baby is not the funniest, but it definitely does have its moments. It's not like they were treding new ground, but they did make an effort to not use the same stale and worn out old jokes that's usually done in these films. A lot of the movie is actually played pretty straight with consistent laughs that are designed to enhance rather than derail the film into parody territory.

Whatever..I'm not sure any of you will, but I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters on this here blog.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? Yes

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This Is The End (2013)

Wanted to see this movie when it dropped. Funds wasn't right just then. The stars have finally aligned. 

The Cast:

Seth Rogan, Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel, Craig Robinson, James Franco, Danny McBride star as themselves. Plus Tons of celebrity cameos including Rihanna, a coked up Michael Cera, and a fiery Emma Watson.

The Situation: 

Jay Baruchel comes to LA to visit Seth Rogen for the weekend. They go to James Franco's house for a party and not soon after earthquakes and the destruction of society as a whole. The guys hold up in the house, board up the windows and doors and try to wait it out. 

Jay floats out the idea that it's the rapture but that is shot down. Yet slowly reaffirmed.

Stray Quotage:

"This place is like a piece of me. You've just stepped in me.
Sweet, you let us come inside you."

"Sick reference, bro. Your references are always out of control."

"Just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside, doesn't mean we can't have fun."

"Is Michael Ceras butthole as cute as I pictured?"

"A huge earthquake comes, who do they rescue first? Actors."

"We're all actors. We pretend to be hard. We're soft. We're all as soft as baby shit."

This is the End is hilarious. I Thoroughly enjoyed it although I think it went on a bit longer than it should have, it was so well put together that I can't hold that against it. Granted I'm late to the party, but I really can't talk more about it because it's too easy to spoil. So go watch it. Then come back.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? No

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Machete Kills (2013)

I was kinda under the impression that Machete Kills was an unnecessary sequel with a huge overblown cast. But I like Robert Rodriguez and I generally trust his judgement. When this movie landed in my lap. How could I refuse?

After a, gun battle wipes out a bunch of soldiers and mercs, Machete is somehow ridiculously accused of killing everyone.  While the local PD are trying to hang him, he gets a pardon from President Carlos Estevez who tells him that the country needs him, as a dangerous revolutionary based in Mexico, has a missile pointed at Washington D.C. that will fire if the U.S.doesn't invade Mexico and take out the cartels. Since diplomacy dictates that the U.S.cannot get directly involved, his mission is to go into Mexico, check it out and kill him if need be. For his participation, he'll have his criminal record wiped clean and will be fully instated as an American citizen.

In Mexico, he learns that the missile is wired to the Revolutionary's heartbeat and it will fire if it stops beating. The only other way it can be disarmed, is if they go back to where it was made. (U.S.A.) and they have 24hrs to do so as he's it's been armed it.

Fighting his way back across the border, Machete feels he's on to something big...

Stray Quotage:

"Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United Fucking States, man."

"Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hair spray. It's part of my cover."

"Boss has a message for you Machete.  

[Kills passenger]

 End of message."

"You know what this is? This is the enema I plan to fire up the ass of the United States."

"Disarm it.
There's only two men who can disarm it.
[Gunshot]
Hah. Correction, one man."

"Now, if I don't shoot you square in the face, I would be violating a contractual obligation."

"You know what you are? Vengeance. You are vengeance and vengeance never dies. It just changes targets."

"For crying out loud, will one of you well paid, well trained gentlemen, please shoot that motherfucker!
[Gunshots]
Thank you!"

Robert Rodriguez is a talented filmmaker. It's amazing to me how he managed to actually utilize each members of the large cast without dragging down the film as a whole. I feel like the bulk of people were cast to get them the exposure they need to break into more mainstream films, and the inclusion of Lady Gaga and Sofia Vergara were more of a personal thing for Rodriguez, because as we all know, "it's good to be the king." I am definitely a fan of bad guy Mel Gibson. I enjoyed Get the Gringo, but Machete Kills is different. Dude just works as a villain and it seems like he's having more fun as a bad guy in general. Dude goes full on supervillain by the end of the film. 

Machete Kills is wild, action packed and full of stars who don't overstep their roles. The story is solid, the action is awesome, Machete himself is still a badass and and I'm kinda kicking myself for not watching sooner. There's an in film trailer for Machete Kills Again...In Space, which is supposed to be the third film in the series. This entire movie builds to that sequel and I'm actually looking forward to it, knowing that it will probably never get made.

Things Machete don't do:

• Smoke
• Tweet
• Joke
• Fail

Things Machete does do:

• Text
• Love everyone
• Kill

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? You know something, I didn't even notice. That's how well everything else worked.

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Cloned: The Reactor Chronicles (2013)

I think I saw this trailer on Hulu. It seemed like an interesting concept. Time travel and stuff with clones are my weakness. There's only one way these things end : with everyone wearing the same clothes and the wrong one getting shot. It's awesome.

The Cast: 

• Derek, Tracy and Craig, the imperfect teens looking forward to camping and chillin.
• Their perfect murderous clones
• Mother Nature ft The Forest

The Situation: 

Three teens are in a canoe, headed towards the campground on Brewster Island. Unbeknownst to them, genetic experiments were carried out on the island, decades ago and the previous day's lightning storm reignited an old experiment.

A lightning storm on the day they've reached the campground  forces them into a nearby cabin for safety. Shit gets thick when the owners return, but they are soon saved by people who appear to be exact duplicates.

The perfect and the imperfect occupy the house together and try to solve the mystery of how everything came to be and what they should do going forward.

...But they know that they can't all co-exist.

Resolution:

I'm sure you can guess the ending. They all end the same. [Is some people gonna die?!]

Cloned is actually a pretty decent film. The end is somewhat predictable, and kinda fucked up, but you can't really be upset. A lot could have been avoided if they had never gone in the house in the first place, but then we wouldn't have a movie.

Stray Quotage:

"Your girlfriend needs a serious lesson in dropping a deuce in the forest."

"We haven't exactly been close lately.
Well, what do you want me to say? You did a singer abroad and I stayed at home and worked at a hardware store."

"I'll paddle slow in case you change your mind."

"Yeah, technically you're great. Maybe even superior. But what's the point if you make the other person feel lousy?"

"It's either we kill them, or they kill us.
Well, can't we negotiate?!"

"We should come up with a password. So we know it's really us. Okay how about Marco!...Polo!
Yeah that's good." 

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Naked people, but no on screen nipples or dongs

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The Collector (2009)

So I watched The Collection first and thoroughly enjoyed it. I knew I was going to have to check out the original and I finally got my hands on a copy. So now I'll get to see just how our intrepid hero, Arkin, came to be part of and subsequently escape the collection.

Arkin is a contractor, working on a house out in Nowheresville, USA. He took the job to help his (super hot) baby mama repay her debts to loan sharks as she's planning on taking the kid and disappearing if she doesn't have the money by midnight. The house belongs to a jeweler and in doing contracted work, he's been casing it. Now that his girlfriend needs the money, he's making his move, against the wishes of his partner, Captain xxx from The Wire. Unbeknownst to him, the collector has also been casing the house, and he's come to collect.

Listen, they are going to take you...

At the beginning of The Collector, I was thinking about how it is probably better that I watched its sequel, first, because honestly, if I had watched them in order, I would have quit 35 min into the first. I'm glad I stuck around though, it does get better. It's still ridiculous though and quite frankly I am surprised it got a sequel with a theatrical release.

What I like about the Collector series is how this dude sets up the most elaborate traps within the most ridiculous time-frames. It truly makes no sense, but they are so evil genius and they look so cool that it's easy to overlook. I also found it funny that after being fooled by traps twice, Arkin wises up and he can automatically see all the setups. Including a floor literally full of bear traps. It's very rare that a character gets smarter over the course of a horror film. Plus The Collector just kills and collects. No rhyme, no reason, no back-story. That's both rare and awesome.

So to answer my original inquiry, how did he get collected? Essentially, he was in the wrong place at the wrong time and refused to die

 

Violence? Yes
Explosions? Yes
Nudity? Yes

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Bullet to the Head (2012)

Stallone is a Hitman who's been in and out of jail and has a long string of arrests but few convictions. At a bar after his last job, he is attacked by a dude, and manages to fight him off, but the guy escapes after killing his partner. He's being tracked down by Detective Kwon a.k.a.The "Ninja Ninja Ninja" guy from Ninja Assassin. Kwon offers to team up, and he refuses of course, but after a group of guys attempted to murder Kwon, he figures they share a common enemy and decides to take him up on his offer.

What do you mean there are no Ninja!!!

Bullet to the Head is a simple film with a simple premise: two guys on opposite sides of the law have the same enemies and must team up to get shit done. This includes a girl (played by the super hot Sarah Shahi) who becomes a damsel and the hired goon who is a beast that must be taken down for them to win. 

The thing about this movie is that it's enjoyable. It doesn't take itself too seriously, yet its not too cheesy either. Stallone's character is named Jimmy Bobo for Christ Sakes. The other thing about this film is that there's a lot happening, but at the same time, nothing is happening. I can't really explain it better. There's a lot happening, but it isn't about anything and while the action and violence are right for its context, I wouldn't say it's over the top, but more "right at the line" instead.

In a world of twilight, hangover and Madea, This is the type of mindless action film that we need. Something manly to let off steam. Stallone clearly knows his audience. He even included a motherfucking axe fight!  Smh. I'm not going to say this movie is dope, but I will say that it was satisfying.

That moment when you squeeze a trigger and a little poo comes out.

 

  

Violence? Headshots. Chest shots. Shots shots.
Explosions? He used to be an explosives expert in the war, so now he explosives everything. He'd fuck around and put a bomb in your coffee if you aren't careful.
Nudity? Not a lot, but it's there. You'll be pleased.

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The Killer Shrews (1959)

***An iCheck Movies Listed Film***

***Killer Shrews are #49 on the Most Wanted Killer Animals List***

On an isolated island, a small group of people are terrorized by giant voracious shrews in the midst of a hurricane.

Seriously, killer shrews? Yeah, I'm in.

The Cast:

• There's Captain Thorne, our hero.
• Ann the damsel in distress/zoologist.
• Jerry the muscle/jealous ex.
• Mario the latino servant/handyman
• Drs. Baines and Craigis
• And Rook, Thorne's shipmate and right hand negro

The Situation:

On a remote island, a team of scientists carry out genetic experiments with the goal of making smaller humans. They had been using the local wildlife as test subjects. In an unintended result, the shrews, became giant sized.

As they have exhausted their food supply, the humans are beginning to look mighty tasty and they are desperate to get at them. The film then subtly transitions into survival horror as they try to wait it out in a wooden house surrounded by shrews who are slowly eating their way through.

For the humans, The only way off the island is the boat that is docked on the other side of the island. Aka they'll have to walk directly through the beasts.

Here's a quick rundown of what they're up against:

• There are about the 300
• They are giant
• They weigh about 100lbs
• They dig
• They are extremely poisonous
• They are starving which makes them deadlier.

How They Escape:

Creating a walking tank out of aluminum barrels and duck walking across the beach then swimming to the boat once they hit water. Try as they might, those crazy shrews just couldn't bite through. Idk they didn't just dig though.

Dig! Dig you Fools! Work for your Meal!!!

The Killer Shrews is a surprisingly well paced film. It was an hour long movie that felt longer than it was as the first half was all set-up, dialogue and characterization, yet there was still time for action when it was time to escape the island. I'm an impatient guy though. I was calling for the shrews about ten minutes in. "No more talking, just get to the shrews, dammit!!!!"

You should know that this is a black and white picture and in addition to the shrews, the dialogue is something to look out for. One of the characters, Jerry, is a legit punching bag for the bulk of the film. It's hilarious. Second best part of the movie, aside from it being about Giant Killer Shrews, of course.

I like the old killer animal films. They are inventive and most importantly, they are only an hr long. Plus, even in the 50s the black dude is the first to go. Shrews like dark meat, I guess.

Stray Quotage:

• Jerry: Everyone in the world is scared of something. Ann: Yeah that's evident. When they came at us last night, you knocked me down to get inside the fence.
Jerry: It's just that I can't stand them.
Ann: And I've discovered something I can't stand...


• Ann: I know. I'm not saying you created them Jerry, I am saying that because of your drunken stupidity in leaving the cage door open, you've created the horrible situation which now exists. 
Jerry: This was a mistake any one of us would have probably made.


• Ann: I'm Sorry I had to threaten you with a gun. But I didn't know how else to stop you.
  Thorne: No, it was very effective. But all you had to do was tell me about them.
  


• Ann: You're a strange man Thorne. You just seem so disinterested in everything.
  Thorne: Let me tell you something. I'm only interested in anything that concerns me. Then I do something about it.
  


• Dr. Craigis: We can't afford to get even so much as a scratch from these animals.
  Thorne: What do you think they're all affected?
  Jerry: Best way to find out is key then all bite you and see what bites you die after.
  Thorne: We might just all get that chance, Jerry. You included!"

Violence? Yes
Explosions? No
Nudity? No

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Dinosaur Island (1994)

For some odd reason, Dinosaur Island is known as a cult classic. I can kinda see how and why, but really, although it has its moments, it's not an endearing film.  Everyone loves it for some reason though. Maybe it's the women. Who watches these for anything but the nubile buxom women?

The Cast:

US Army Rangers

Supple Amazons
Lesser Dinosaurs
The Great One a.k.a. A badly animated Trex

The Situation:

While a group of rangers are flying over an island, their plane suffers a mechanical failure and crashes into the ocean. They were able to raft to the nearest island, which they discover is uncharted and through exploration find that it's home to a tribe of Amazonian women and a slew of terrifying dinosaurs.

The women think they are Gods as one of the guys bears the mark of their prophesied savoir. Legend says Gods will fall from the sky, save the island from famine and go Six on one with "The Great One." As they head off to face him down, they discover that it is NOT The Rock, but a terrifying T-Rex and the job won't be as easy as they thought. 

I spent waaayy too much time making this.

The Resolution:

Dynamite to the mouth. Boom. Head off.
The island is saved, the famine is ended, the guys are hailed as heroes and the Amazons will have meat for days.

 

Stray Quotage:

She had [motions breasts]
Hands?
No!
She didn't have hands? Gross!

Men are brainless beasts.
Sticks and stones will break our bones, but words will never hurt us.

We have sticks! And stones! Yeah let's break some bones!"

We're soldiers. Like your warriors.
Impossible! You're too small and fleshy to be warriors...Even men.

Violence? Yes
Explosions? One
Nudity? Uh, Yeah. Wanton nudity is the only reason these films exist.

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Saved! (2004)

 

When Mary, a devout senior at a Christian high school, accidentally gets pregnant, she starts to see her peers and her faith in a whole new light.

After finding out that her boyfriend thinks he's gay, a young teen decides to do everything in her power to help him. This eventually leads to her sleeping with him, and inadvertently getting pregnant. This obviously changes her outlook on her life and her faith and as she becomes detached from her community they step up their efforts to save her.

With the help of Cassandra Edelstein, the rebel Jewish girl, who is in a Christian school and is totally a rebel, and Macaulay Culkin who is the wheelchair bound brother to the hyper conservative Mandy Moore, she tries to hide her pregnancy until graduation. With two months left, her secret is revealed and things will never be the same.

Stay Quotage:

-You're not born a gay, you're born again.

-Please be cancer, please be cancer, please, be cancer.

-There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the planned parenthood.

- You have to pray on it. Prayer works. It's been medically proven!

Just kidding, Mary has her baby, a happy, healthy lil girl and happy endings reign supreme.

Saved! Is a clever satire played with a wink and a nod to the elements of fundamental Christians, televangelists and life in the bible belt in general. Especially when one's faith has been shaken and they've fallen out with their community. I had been meaning to watch this movie for a whike. Then it just dropped off the radar completely. Although at times it felt like it aimed to beat you over the head with "message" I liked it. You could tell everyone involved was having fun and it showed.

Violence? No
Explosions? Of Christlove!
Nudity? No

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Movie 43 (2013)

Featuring some of the biggest talents in our industry today, and directed by the Farrelly Brothers, Movie 43 is a sketch comedy composed of many different segments. In the vein of The Kentucky Fried movie and The Onion Movie.

As with all movies of this type, some of the sketches are hit and miss and with others the joke runs on a bit too long. I applaud the effort but it's a different time and the charm of those movies is hard to replicate. That first scene though? Genius. Unfortunately, it gave me high expectations for the rest of the film which weren't met.

Movie 43 is about six or seven sketches including the one that introduces and ends the film. Overall, I expected it to be a little longer and a little funnier for what it was, but I'd say it's score averages out to 2.5 but the first scene + my generosity allows me to round up to 3.

Here are some trailers for comparison (since this review is seriously short):

Kentucky Fried Movie (1977):

The Onion Movie (2008):

Movie 43 (2013):

Violence? Mild
Explosions? Mild
Nudity? Happens

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Bait (2012)

A freak tsunami traps shoppers at a coastal Australian supermarket inside the building - along with a 12-foot Great White Shark.

Before shit gets real, all of the animals in town are uneasy and if that's one thing I've learned from movies is to always pay attention to the animals. When animals are uneasy, some shit is about to go down.

The Cast:

Josh [lost his bff in a previous shark attack ]
Tina [who possesses a thousand yard stare]
The dude from nip tuck, who's being blackmailed [The Game is the Game]
Kyle, the douchebag that every must be in every shark film. [a.k.a. shark bait ]
Klepto Kelly and her bf [I have no idea if her name is Kelly, but I think she stole that too]

The Situation:

An earthquake causes a tsunami that hits  Australia. In town is a supermarket which is literally flooded and leaves only a few survivors in its chaos. Soon they discover that not only are they trapped inside, the waves also brought in two 12ft Great White sharks, -one in the parking lot and one in the market- who have tasted human flesh and are hunting for more.

The Resolution:

Hooks, ropes and guns. I'd say it was handled appropriately. 

[Name one thing you're gonna need this stupid fucking rope for!]

Stray Quotage:

- You know, once you get past that gag reflex, it's actually not that bad. [That's what she said.]

- Piss off!
    What do you think your mother would think of all of this?
   PISS. OFF!

- A shark's only curious about one thing. It's trying to decide if we're food or not. [Read that in an Australian accent]

 - You gotta do something.

        What the fuck do I do, ask it to go away?!

 - I'm not a murderer.
     Yes you are. You're a dog murderer. Which is worse than a person murderer." [He was dead the minute she said "murderer." Sharks hate murderers.]

Bait is an Australian killer shark movie that has been on my radar for a bit and I finally found some downtime to get it in. Surprisingly, I Enjoyed it a bit more than I thought I would. It is in no way a game changing film, but there's a simple premise and solid execution which definitely sells it as what I'd consider a good and original shark attack film. Basically , there are several people trapped inside of a flooded supermarket that's filled with sharks. Tense moments abound as the situation gets keeps getting worse for those involved. 

To lighten the mood though, here are a few of the more humorous parts of the film:

• The first victim is an old guy because fuck old people.
• There's a super dramatic "Nooooo!" After someone else gets chomped.
• Tsunami waves come crashing into town and despite everyone screaming and running, the surfers get super excited and run the other way, towards the water.

Again, I'd say this movie is solid. (Especially compared to other fairly recent shark attack films.) I enjoyed it. I'd come over and watch it again if invited. I'll even bring beer.

Violence? Shark related
Explosions? Of shark related violence.
Nudity? Did you know that sharks are naked? They swim faster without clothes, apparently.

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